Fern Schumer Chapman's Blog, page 8
June 29, 2023
How Photos and Social Media Posts Wound Distanced Family Members
The post How Photos and Social Media Posts Wound Distanced Family Members appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
June 14, 2023
Choosing No Contact With a Toxic Family Member?
Going no contact is a decisive step taken to end physical, psychological, or emotional suffering at the hands of an abusive sibling or other family 
member. As a tactic to protect oneself from continual hurt, it is generally the last resort.
Photo credit: Alex Green/Pexels
The post Choosing No Contact With a Toxic Family Member? appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
Found in my 98-year-old mother’s apartment!
This is the earliest photo I’ve seen of my mother, Edith Schumer nee Westerfeld. Taken in 1925 in Stockstadt am Rhein, Germany, Edith is pictured here when she was only months old. The second woman from the right is holding her, and that’s her older sister, Betty, standing in front of their mother.
Edith and Betty survived the Holocaust, as my grandparents had the foresight to send both of them to America separately as unaccompanied minors when they were only 12 and 14 years old. Tragically, my grandparents were murdered.
What strikes me about this image is my grandmother’s expression. As I posted this, I realized that this is the only photo I’ve ever seen where my grandmother is smiling. Most of the photos I have of her are from the traumatizing 1930s.
I remember reading a story at the Illinois Holocaust Museum and Education Center about a Holocaust survivor’s son. A teacher told the boy’s mother that there was something wrong with him because he never smiled. The mother immediately realized that the boy didn’t smile because she never did. She decided to train herself by staring into the mirror and forcing a grin, so she could address her son’s lack of emotion.
Sadly, not many photos of my mother as a young woman show her smiling either.
The post Found in my 98-year-old mother’s apartment! appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
May 31, 2023
A Hidden Cause of Troubled Family Relationships
Researchers have identified many root causes of estrangement, but undiagnosed autism is not on that list.
The post A Hidden Cause of Troubled Family Relationships appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
May 24, 2023
Therapist Praises Brothers, Sisters, Strangers
Therapist Whitney Goodman praises Brothers, Sisters, Strangers on Tik Tok, and identifies her favorite quote from the book.
@whitneygoodmanlmft#brotherssistersstrangers #adultsiblings #siblings #familytherapy
♬ original sound – Whitney Goodman, LMFT
The post Therapist Praises Brothers, Sisters, Strangers appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
May 22, 2023
Who will want to read this?
My mother, Edith Schumer, 
was a Holocaust refugee who fled Nazi Germany as a 12-year-old unaccompanied minor. She never said a word about her past – even though the anguish and abandonment she felt in fleeing her village alone had defined her life.
She lost everything in 1938: her home, her family, her language, her loyalties, her identity. The way she coped was to never speak of her early life, and, as a child, I quickly learned that I was never to ask. Her past was like a busy intersection, which I was to avoid at all costs. As far as I knew, she had no mother, no father, no childhood friends, no family legends, no religious traditions. For decades, I felt I hardly knew her or her history and, without that knowledge, I had only a limited understanding of myself.
To my surprise, when I was six months pregnant with my third child, my mother decided she wanted to visit her small German town together to reclaim her past. Finally, the wall of silence began to crumble. On that first trip in 1990, we met the people she had known, saw her family’s expropriated home, stepped back in time at the desecrated Jewish cemetery where our ancestors were buried.
The more I learned, the more I understood her. And I began to see the universality of her story: a traumatized child, an immigrant without family or past, haunted by all she had lost.
It became clear that this was a story I could and should tell. So I wrote my first book, Motherland, combining her scraps of memory with moments from our journey into a family quilt of history.
“Who’s going to read this?” she asked. “Why would anyone care?”
But they did. As the book caught on, I began to speak about it in public. To my surprise, my mother started to come along, always taking a seat in the very back row. Hearing her story told and retold, she was freed of its terror, and she gradually started to sit closer to the stage. I began to measure her comfort level with her story by the seat she chose.
One day, I said to the audience, “My mother is here with us today.” As the audience gasped and turned to look, she stood, walked to the stage, and began answering questions. A standing ovation was her reward.
Over time, her real reward was a new peace of mind. By sharing my mother’s story, we unwittingly brought about her recovery. I had provided her with the narrative trauma victims need to rise above its ravages. Our audiences – standing one by one, over and over, to share their own feelings of sympathy – joined me as her witnesses.
Over the years, we’ve spoken in hundreds of schools. Ironically, the very subject she avoided when I was a child eventually became a source of pride and identity for her.
Mom turned 98 last week, and a middle school teacher sent her this moving birthday greeting: “Your life is teaching profound lessons to so many! I am delighted to know you through your daughter!!! May you always be surrounded by love, joy, and peace! Today, I celebrate the precious gift of your life!!!”
The post Who will want to read this? appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
Choosing Between Authenticity and Attachment
The post Choosing Between Authenticity and Attachment appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
April 11, 2023
Grieving the Death of an Estranged Family Member
The illness or death of an estranged family member can present one of the most vexing moments for those cut off from that person and/or others in the family.
The post Grieving the Death of an Estranged Family Member appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
April 9, 2023
THE SIBLING ESTRANGEMENT JOURNAL gets a new look!
A guide to exploring your troubled sibling relationship through writing.
Link to order: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BLLTT6SJ#SalesRank
The post THE SIBLING ESTRANGEMENT JOURNAL gets a new look! appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
March 30, 2023
Author now offers one-on-one estrangement coaching
I have worked with many clients as they navigate the range of emotions of sibling estrangement – from anger to sadness to rumination. Often, those who are shunned are struggling with ongoing grief, as they mourn the living.
I offer private, one-on-one sessions to discuss estrangement, reconciliation, and family relations in general. I draw upon my research for the books I’ve written on this topic as well as my lived experience from 40 years of estrangement from my only brother and nine years of reconciliation. Please contact me at fernschumer@gmail.com for more information.
The post Author now offers one-on-one estrangement coaching appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
