Fern Schumer Chapman's Blog, page 12
September 22, 2022
In Memory of Gerda Katz, my mom’s best friend on the ship in 1938
The first time Gerda and Edith “talked,” they said hello and then sobbed together. No words were necessary. Each felt the other was the only person who understood their deep uprooting and unbearable losses. The Nazis murdered my mother’s parents and many family members. Some of Gerda’s loved ones perished, too.
After th
eir reunion, I asked my mother, “Why was it so important to see Gerda again?” She said, “I knew she had suffered as I have. Seeing her was like looking in the mirror. It was like finding my twin.”
Gerda and Edith were historical twins.
When the two resumed their friendship, they talked on the phone twice a week. They never ran out of things to say, and they could feel each other’s moods.
Gerda had never told anyone about her traumatic childhood and her history. My mother encouraged Gerda, giving her the confidence to tell her story to her children and grandchildren. Gerda gave Edith unconditional love and understanding. As my mother said many times, “seeing Gerda was like seeing my parents again.”
Before they would end their phone conversations, the two old friends had a ritual.
Edith would tell Gerda, “You are my sister.”
And Gerda would whisper into the receiver, “And you are my sister.”
My mom wanted to attend Gerda’s funeral in 2017, but she said it would be too painful for her. During the last days of her life, Gerda was not coherent. But, when she had a moment of lucidity, she told her daughter, “Tell Edie I love her.”
Gerda and Edith modeled true friendship. They spoke in German and English. They giggled like schoolgirls. They shared the ups and downs of their lives. They fretted about politics and world affairs. They cried together about the weight of their shared history.
Most of all, they stepped into each other’s lives and filled in the holes.
Top: Gerda in hat; Edith with hands on head. Bottom: Gerda (l); Edith (r)
Link to book about Edith and Gerda’s childhood immigration journey:
https://lnkd.in/e36RWVbR…
#holocaust #ushmm #education #historymatters #middleschool#highschool #unaccompaniedminors #immigration #education#relationships
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September 17, 2022
How to grieve an estranged sibling relationship
The estranged often experience “frozen grief”—mourning without resolution. Essentially, sibling estrangement requires mourning a living person. Unlike in death, however, this mourning process fails to bring acceptance and gradual recovery. We experience all the emotions of grieving but can’t reach a resolution.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...
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September 7, 2022
Another remarkable find in my mother’s old photo album!
H
ere, my mother’s sister, Betty, (4th from left) is flanked by her German friends just before she fled Nazi Germany for America in 1937. In her writings, Betty described how she got her passport.
“I was a wide-eyed fourteen-year-old, very much a country bumpkin. Everything was new and interesting. Life lay ahead of me and, if it were not for Hitler, things would have been fine.
“But I knew I would come to America sooner or later. I went to the police presidium to apply for a passport. This was a tedious, lengthy, and bureaucratic procedure. I had to go back to a certain office many times. It took months, but I finally got that passport.
“The day it arrived my mother said I needed to go to the American Consulate in Stuttgart. I mailed my passport and other papers to the office. Then, I traveled by train to Stuttgart, where my mother’s cousins picked me up at the station in the evening. My appointment was the next morning. My mother’s cousins were an elderly, lonely couple who had no children, and I was glad I didn’t have to stay with them more than one night.
“At the Consulate, I met people of all ages seeking entrance papers to the U.S., including teenagers like myself who were called in for physical examinations and short interviews. All went well except one thing – my passport was lost! This was a terrible blow. Without this document, I couldn’t leave the country. To this day, I swear it was stolen and used for illegal purposes.
“I took the afternoon train home, tired and discouraged. When I told my parents what happened, my father was not dismayed. ‘Wait,’ he said. ‘I have an idea.’ With some duplicate passport pictures, he went to the Burgermeister’s office right across the street from our house in our little town, Stockstadt am Rhein. My father told officials that he needed a children’s passport for me, never mentioning what had happened. They could not deny him. I was born in the town, and everyone knew us. The age limit for a children’s passport was sixteen, and I was only fourteen. In three days, I had a new one, very official and legal.
“I still have that passport; it was my lifeline. Without it, I could not come to the U.S., and I surely would be dead, killed in the camps like my parents.”
To learn more about my mother’s and Betty’s childhood immigration experiences: https://lnkd.in/gX9fs8FJ
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September 3, 2022
How estrangement defines other relationships and friendships
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/node/1179330/preview
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A Reader Asks, “How to Move On?”
READERS: Do you have any suggestions for Eleanor? She needs help coping with her losses.
I don’t even know where to start. My brother cut ties with my mom and I in 2016, with no fight or one singular issue being the reason, except a less than ideal relationship that formed between our family and my brothers girlfriend at the time (now wife).
I have no idea what happened – we went from being siblings who talked regularly, to infrequently, to only seeing each other at a rare (dysfunctional) family event, to nothing. My brother got married in 2017 which was the first major sting of it all, as my mom and I were not invited. However, my dad, aunt, uncle, grandparents and my dads girlfriend were all there. This estrangement has also affected my relationship with everyone else in the family too because by not choosing sides and saying something to my brother, it feels as though they have chosen a side – his.
Last year my brother and his wife had their first child, a baby girl. And that is the ache that just won’t go away now. I have been following my brother’s wife on her public Instagram, keeping up with baby girl’s first year of life, craving a relationship more than anything. Most likely my partner and I will never have children, and my partners family lives on the other side of the world. The only opportunity for a strong relationship as an aunt is with baby girl, and I am terrified that I’m never going to be given that opportunity.
Months ago, seeing the chronic emotional pain this has caused me, my partner tried reaching out to my brother but received no response.
As my niece recently turned one, I tried reaching out myself. I sent them both the same message – not addressing the pain or anger that I feel, but instead focusing on wanting to see my niece and build a relationship with her. I received no response.
I followed up with a gift and card addressed to baby girl and have still received zero response. I am at the end of my rope. Do I give up and find a way to accept that they will never be a part of my life? What are they telling my niece about me? What will she grow up thinking about me? I am so heartbroken at the thought that she will think I don’t care about her. I haven’t even met her yet, and love her so much.
How do I move on, and not have this affect my life through a constant emotional ache? Part of me wants this pain to go away, but moving on also means giving up hope of any sort of relationship ill have with my brother and niece.
The post A Reader Asks, “How to Move On?” appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
How to Move On?
READERS: Do you have any suggestions for Eleanor? She needs help coping with her losses.
I don’t even know where to start. My brother cut ties with my mom and I in 2016, with no fight or one singular issue being the reason, except a less than ideal relationship that formed between our family and my brothers girlfriend at the time (now wife).
I have no idea what happened – we went from being siblings who talked regularly, to infrequently, to only seeing each other at a rare (dysfunctional) family event, to nothing. My brother got married in 2017 which was the first major sting of it all, as my mom and I were not invited. However, my dad, aunt, uncle, grandparents and my dads girlfriend were all there. This estrangement has also affected my relationship with everyone else in the family too because by not choosing sides and saying something to my brother, it feels as though they have chosen a side – his.
Last year my brother and his wife had their first child, a baby girl. And that is the ache that just won’t go away now. I have been following my brother’s wife on her public Instagram, keeping up with baby girl’s first year of life, craving a relationship more than anything. Most likely my partner and I will never have children, and my partners family lives on the other side of the world. The only opportunity for a strong relationship as an aunt is with baby girl, and I am terrified that I’m never going to be given that opportunity.
Months ago, seeing the chronic emotional pain this has caused me, my partner tried reaching out to my brother but received no response.
As my niece recently turned one, I tried reaching out myself. I sent them both the same message – not addressing the pain or anger that I feel, but instead focusing on wanting to see my niece and build a relationship with her. I received no response.
I followed up with a gift and card addressed to baby girl and have still received zero response. I am at the end of my rope. Do I give up and find a way to accept that they will never be a part of my life? What are they telling my niece about me? What will she grow up thinking about me? I am so heartbroken at the thought that she will think I don’t care about her. I haven’t even met her yet, and love her so much.
How do I move on, and not have this affect my life through a constant emotional ache? Part of me wants this pain to go away, but moving on also means giving up hope of any sort of relationship ill have with my brother and niece.
The post How to Move On? appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
August 30, 2022
Germans live uncomfortably with the houses once owned by Jewish families
In a town near my mother’s German home, Büttelborn, a woman became distraught when she discovered that she was renting the former home of a Jewish family. After the son of the original owners came from Israel to visit his old home, the current resident said, “I feel like a thief.”This article in the Jerusalem Post describes how a family that now lives in the former home of a Jewish family in Stralsund faced history. The current residents devoted the past eight years to tracing the family history and locating and reuniting more than 30 descendants from Germany, the Netherlands, Israel, the United Kingdom, the United States and Brazil — an interesting way to atone.https://www.jpost.com/diaspora/article-715326?fbclid=IwAR3X8FvcFsSMhWePyHI-X9wTMkJBk54oOS47u-FL-PhVSHi_cUORdM-ra0AThe post Germans live uncomfortably with the houses once owned by Jewish families appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
August 24, 2022
Another remarkable photo from my mother’s old album!
Another remarkable photo find in my mother’s old album! This one shows Mom’s sister, Betty, who took mandolin lessons with a group of boys . When the Nazis came to power, her teacher terminated her lessons.
Here’s how I described the experience in IS IT NIGHT OR DAY?
“But now, suddenly, we were filth, Jews polluting the village. In 1935, the Nuremberg Laws cut us off completely, and after living in our town for more than two hundred years, the Westerfelds were no longer citizens. We couldn’t vote, couldn’t go to the theater or concerts or restaurants. We were still tolerated in the public school, but there were no more music lessons for Betty and me; Mr. Klaus, our mandolin teacher, told my father that even though Betty showed talent and he would have liked to work with her, he was not allowed to teach Jews anymore. Worse than that, Vati couldn’t open his shop’s doors to sell feed and supplies to the farmers.”
Link to book: https://lnkd.in/g27iaCaN
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A Reader Benefits from Filling Out the Survey!
Your survey was actually very therapeutic as it helped me to think more deeply about the nature of our sibling estrangement instead of just feeling bad and anxious about it. The survey was challenging to complete. It took me several days.
(Here’s the link: https://fernschumerchapman.com/sibling-estrangement-survey/#gf_5)
I really enjoyed your book. The use of personal anecdotes to illustrate the information you were presenting brought the information to life. Its incredible to know that sibling estrangement happens all over the world and for as many reasons as there are sibling pairs.Thank you so much for contributing so much insight and care to so many people!Susan S.The post A Reader Benefits from Filling Out the Survey! appeared first on Fern Schumer Chapman.
