Fern Schumer Chapman's Blog, page 3

Join the Book Launch part for 90 on Jan. 10!

How far would you go to avoid being forced to kill?

That is the question Bruce Wasser faced as a young man!

The year is 1969; Bruce is 20, and 90 was his lottery number. The number that guaranteed he’d be drafted into the military—likely becoming a soldier in the Vietnam War.

Join us for the ZOOM book launch party on Friday, January 10, 2025, at 8:30 pm EST, (7:30 CST, 6:30 MT, 5:30 PST) as Mr. Wasser discusses his compelling new coming-of-age memoir about his arduous journey to becoming the first non-religious conscientious objector in San Diego’s history.

Mr. Wasser also will host a Q & A with his co-author and wife, Fern Schumer Chapman. They’ll answer questions about the book and their experiences of writing this memoir together. Please have your paperback or eBook of 90 at the ready, as we will take a screenshot of participants holding up their copies.

Get your book at https://www.amazon.com/dp/1962817121#SalesRank

Space is limited. To register for Mr. Wasser’s Next Lesson, please email fernschumer@gmail.com and we will send you a link.

Can’t wait to see you there!

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In a Toxic Relationship…”Let Them” or Hear Them

The “Let Them Theory” argues that chronically disrespectful relationships shouldn’t be sustained. Instead of trying to fix the other person, the theory posits, it’s best to “let them” behave as they will. Is it a good idea?

 

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Bored Panda quotes FSC on what happens when siblings choose partners

“AITA For Refusing To Babysit After My Sister Demanded I Stop Bringing My BF To Family Events?”

 

Author of Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation, Fern Schumer Chapman, suggested that one of the siblings choosing a partner can be a perilous moment in their relationship. “A new partner may feel threatened by, or jealous of, closeness between brothers and sisters…”

https://www.boredpanda.com/man-refuses-babysit-homophobic-sisters-kid/

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How a child’s mental illness can psychologically stamp a family

A new novel explores a sibling’s lifelong struggles with a mentally ill sister.

Psychologytoday.com blog post

KEY POINTSWhen a sibling suffers with mental illness, family members may feel anxious, overwhelmed, and resentful.Some brothers and sisters stay in an unhealthy job or relationship out of loyalty to a mentally ill sibling.Through transference, old childhood feelings toward a sibling often resurface in adult relationships.

 

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Excited to announce the release of my new book: 90 – A Conscientious Objector’s Journey of Quiet Resistance

How far would you go to avoid being forced to kill?

90 is the number that, on a cold December night, hijacks a young man’s future.

The year is 1969; Bruce is 20, and 90 is his draft lottery number. The number that guarantees he’ll be drafted into the military—likely becoming a soldier in the Vietnam War.

In this compelling memoir, one young man—an outsider among his privileged peers at Princeton University – questions everything he believes as his life is dramatically reshaped by an overwhelming moral dilemma. His father’s death deprives Bruce of the guidance he needs in this most masculine decision: whether to fight or declare himself a conscientious objector who refuses to kill. Would a real man do whatever his country asks? Or must he follow his conscience, placing integrity above friends, family, and his own future?

“90 is a living thing to me. Who knew a number could have so much power? It’s behind whatever I say or do, every decision I make – getting involved with someone, whether to protest, if I can even go to law school. 90 robs me of my freedom! “

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Siblings Who Swindle Siblings

Discovering that a sibling is stealing from an estate is devastating, 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘩 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘴𝘺𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺. Scott Rahn, an attorney at RMO Probate Litigation—a firm specializing in probate litigation involving contested trust, estate, probate, and conservatorship matters in California and Texas—says it’s important to identify the issue as early as possible to minimize losses. This type of theft is actually common, Rahn says, and family members should know the signs, including: Unexplained financial activityConfusing transactions—large withdrawals or transfers; unusual increases in spending; new accounts or credit cards, or names added to existing accounts as authorized users, beneficiaries, or joint owners—are red flags. Sudden changes in estate planning documentsNewly named beneficiaries, executors, or trustees on a will or trust—especially when the new document disproportionately benefits one sibling—are another red flag. Possession of estate assetsSometimes a sibling is caught red-handed with property or assets that belong to the estate. This sounds the alarm that these assets were acquired through theft. Interference with estate managementSiblings should be concerned if a brother or sister hires a new or different estate planning professional, limits access to information, or excludes siblings from the decision-making processes.If you suspect that a sibling is engaging in any of these behaviors, it’s crucial to act swiftly. Consulting with a probate attorney can help you protect the estate and preserve your rightful inheritance. While confronting a sibling about estate theft can be emotionally draining, delaying action may lead to greater financial losses and deeper family rifts. Clear communication and legal guidance are key in navigating these challenging situations and ensuring that justice is served, even within the confines of complex family dynamics.

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Refinery29 tackles estrangement, quotes Brothers, Sisters, Strangers

“Writer Fern Schumer Chapman, who was estanged from her brother for over 40 years, wrote in her book Brothers, Sisters, Strangers that when siblings cut ties, they’re left in ‘a world of secrecy and shame’, even if they’ve made the right decision for themselves. The feelings that come with this decision are complex and will vary by person depending on why they’ve chosen to cut ties.”

 

 

https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/estranged-family-members-relationships

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People Pleasing as a Trauma Response

When faced with the pain of estrangement, some people develop coping mechanisms that, while seemingly helpful in the moment, can result in deeper emotional struggles. People-pleasing is one such response. To avoid further rejection, an individual may bend over backward to meet others’ expectations – often compromising one’s own needs and well-being.For those who have experienced estrangement, the fear of losing another important connection can be terrifying. This fear can trigger a pattern of people-pleasing, as the individual constantly seeks approval and validation in hopes of preventing another painful separation. However, this response can lead to a cycle of self-neglect and emotional exhaustion.People-pleasing as a trauma response stems from the deep-seated belief that one’s worth is tied to others’ acceptance. It’s a survival mechanism in response to being shunned or cut off by a loved one. Yet, when people-pleasers inadvertently suppress their true selves, they run the risk of feeling resentment, burnout, and even deeper isolation.Healing from this pattern requires recognizing the underlying trauma and learning to set healthy boundaries. A people pleaser needs to reclaim his/her own voice, honor his/her own needs, and understand that a person’s value isn’t dependent on anyone else’s approval. True connection comes from authenticity, not from sacrificing self to please others.

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Making the Painful Decision to Go No-Contact with my Narcissist Brother

Hi Fern,

I recently discovered your efforts to discuss sibling estrangement and have ordered your book, workbook, and listened to podcasts. It’s been helping me to process some of my grief that I’ve been dealing with concerning my older brother. I decided to share my story with you, as I feel like it would be another decent outlet to talk through some of my feelings. It’s a very long and complicated story so I apologize in advance for my wordiness, but it does feel good to get it out and put it into words.

My name is Krissy. I have one older brother (3-ish years older) and two loving parents. My brother and I have never been close but we all lived nearby and remained a part of one another’s lives. My brother was a social chameleon when we were young and learned how to mingle with every social group in high school. He was a tennis jock, theatre star, cool stoner, singer and drummer in a band, party guy, Boy Scout, signature “bad boy” that all the girls wanted (included many of my friends and “it” girls of my year) and was one of the most popular names in school. I was, on the other hand, much more reserved. Was mostly friends with the “nerds” and did not spend much time socializing. I mainly spent my time writing.

My mother and I used to get into arguments because I wasn’t involved in many extra-curricular activities in high school…and that was honestly because my brother was already amazing in every club at school. I would always just be his “little sister” and pale in comparison to his greatness. I played tennis for a little, but was not as talented, and I would’ve liked to have written for the newspaper…if my brother wasn’t in that club as well. We didn’t fight as kids, not really. But we were just so very different; we weren’t friends. Still, I looked up to him in so many ways. I got into video games because he played video games. I became a lifeguard at the same waterpark that he worked at. I secretly didn’t mind his “stardom” because it put me on the map. No one would’ve known who I was had it not been for my older brother.

I even went to the same college that he did…and that is perhaps my biggest regret. Had I not met my amazing husband there, I would’ve wished I never went. See, my brother found religion when he attended college. Which was good at first! We were always a Christian family but never attended church regularly. My brother found this church group at college and it redefined a lot of who he was. He stopped drinking, smoking weed, sleeping around (I assume, never actually confirmed), and vowed to live a Christian life. And he has…but at many a cost.

The problem with this church is that it ended up being a bit of a skeptical on campus. Many at the college accused them of poor treatment and “cult-like” tendencies, but that’s a longer story. The main problem with this church was what it did to my brother. I believe it triggered something in him, and his real narcissistic behavior began to shine. Because he became a symbol of something in that church. Everything he was in high school, and more. He was the popular one; he had all of their attention; and they seemed to worship him over the years. He found an environment that would fuel his desperate need for attention, belonging, and acceptance.

For some reason, because my parents and I did not attend his church, we became “the enemy” in his eyes. He rarely ever visited home, despite our college being 30 minutes away from our parents, and when he did, he always brought reinforcements from his church with him. Later, he would always bring his wife’s family over to our house without invitation. His brother, sister, and mother-in-law became consistently present in our “family get-togethers” because he never wanted to be alone with us. He blamed my parents for his behavior in his youth. Blamed them for his alcohol and drug use, as well as an apparent sexual assault situation. To this day, I’m still not sure it ever happened; he tends to exaggerate things, but whatever happened, he blamed my parents for it. Particularly my mother. I’m not sure what he blamed me for, exactly, but he’s always had a problem with my “attitude”. For years, he tried to get me to go to his church for my “anger problems” which I’ve never really had, but he acts as if my anger is why we don’t get along.

My mother is an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and I truly believe he’s aware and takes full advantage of that fact. He’s said many hurtful things to me and my mother over the years and it’s taken a heavy toll on my mother. He’s told me I’m going to hell, wished I wasn’t his sister, and yet has consistently blamed me for our lack of relationship, claiming that I never tried to be in his life, despite the many years I spent trying to be there for him while he mainly ignored my presence.

Something interesting my mother and I noticed over the years…he and his wife never asked any questions about our lives. They never asked about my job (any of the jobs I’ve had), apartment, my cat, my husband, wedding planning, nothing. They never ask “how are you?”. When I would greet them with the usual greeting “Hey! How have you been?” They answer the question, but they never reciprocate. It’s never “I’m good, how are you?”. It was always “I’m good.” His in-laws also began treating us like that, and this happened for YEARS. It still does. They were not interested in our lives at all; I’m not even sure if it’s intentional or just instinct on their part. They probably don’t even notice…but it is very hurtful. They only see us out of obligation – not love, or even because they want to.

Over the years, I tolerated this behavior and tried my best not to challenge him or his wife on behalf of my father’s wishes. My father is a people pleaser and never wanted to rock the boat. He was worried that any poor treatment of my brother would result in him cutting off our access to their granddaughters. And while he might’ve been right, it still became very painful to be treated poorly at every family gathering. There was always something that happened to upset either my mother or myself, and it was like this for nearly 15 years.

I love my parents very much…and it ate me up inside watching as my brother mistreated them over and over and over again. About a year ago, we had a family “incident”. I had since moved out of town for my husband’s job and happened to be visiting while my brother and sister-in-law were on vacation in Europe. Their daughters were staying with my parents at the time. To sum up the events, they became outrageously upset because we did not tell them that I would be staying in the same house as their daughters. Apparently, I wasn’t allowed to spend time with them alone…but that had never been communicated to me. A lot of other events triggered this but my brother’s mother-in-law called my father and began disparaging me and my character, and why I wasn’t allowed to be around the girls.

This caused an immense feud that almost resulted in him not being invited to my wedding. My parents were furious. I was…upset and confused for a number of reasons. He still came to my wedding, but things were not quite resolved. As I’m not sure they ever will be. My husband and I went to dinner with my brother and his wife shortly before the wedding and it was…interesting. While a lot was discussed, nothing truly came out of the conversation. It was clear to me, on that day, that my brother is secretly filled with rage. At one point, he could not even look at us as he was physically shaking with anger and was clearly having trouble controlling himself. I’ve never seen him like that…or anyone. He could not even really put into words what his issue was with me or my mom, but it’s very clear that he does NOT like to be challenged. And my mother and I challenge him. Or, rather, when he mistreats us, we speak up about it. He also refused to go to therapy with me and my parents to try and resolve issues. My parents and I sought out a Christian therapist together, but could not convince my brother to attend.

The more I read into narcissism, the more this makes sense. He’s in his perfect Christian world where he’s seen as an honorable mentor, a speaker, influencer, an important man of God. But he does not like it when his flaws are brought to the surface.

Since that weird day, he’s continued to treat my parents poorly. He’s exploded on them at minor problems that arose and has now “punished” my mom and said she is no longer allowed to speak to him on the phone. Only text, to which he barely responds. And he’s very proud of this decision, claiming how “at peace” he is now and bragging to my father about how happy he is now. Meanwhile, my mom suffers in a state of grief, saying that she “has no son.” My father is not quite sure what to do about the situation, and I live 9 hours away and have removed myself entirely from the situation – which has proved immensely helpful for me but still frustrating as I feel helpless when it comes to my parents.

Well things have changed for me. I’m married now, to an INCREDIBLE man, and we are now expecting our first child. And recently, the sibling relationship has been tormenting me more than usual because I am now agonizing over the decision of whether or not to allow my brother to be involved in my child’s life.

I feel like it’s my duty to protect my child (and my husband) from the toxic and cruel behaviors of my brother. The guilt I feel mainly stems from my nieces, who have done nothing wrong and deserve to have a little cousin in their lives…but I’ve made the extremely difficult decision to not tell my brother about the pregnancy. I’ve also blocked his number on my phone and severely restricted access to my social media counts for both him and his wife. What makes this even more difficult, for me, is my faith. I also happen to be a very strong Christian, and I’ve struggled with whether or not God would want me to “estrange” my brother. I was never sure what the Christian decision was…

But maybe, sometimes, God closes doors for a reason. Not to open a window, but to shut out the cold.

I have strangely felt an immense feeling of peace since making the decision to go no contact. The idea that I truly do not know when I will see or hear from him next is…freeing. I still feel sad that I will never have a healthy, caring sibling relationship like so many of my friends do, and in many ways it does feel like grieving someone who has died. A few weeks ago, I had what I call my “Final Cry” where I broke down and talked to God, wishing my brother and my nieces farewell, and accepting that it wasn’t my fault. Forgiving yourself in these situations is so important. I suffered for so many years, agonizing and dissecting everything I might’ve done or said to make him treat me the way he has. It plays with your mind, making you feel like the enemy they make you out to be, that you ARE a bad person and maybe you DO deserve this.

It was immensely difficult to crawl out of that hole. And some days, I find myself back in that hole again, having to crawl back out, but it has become easier and easier over the years. And having made the decision to go no contact, I no longer have to worry about getting a stressful text or phone call, and having that ruin my entire day. I don’t think of him as much. I’ve taken pictures down. I’ve put him and his family out of my mind, and the anxiety has lessened. I don’t talk about him that much anymore, because I have so much in my life to be thankful for that one person who doesn’t likely simply doesn’t matter or change anything.

Unfortunately, the pain will never really go away, and I accept that. I’ve let go of a lot of my resentment and gave up what I can’t make sense of to God, for it’s not for me to make sense of. In the end, as a believer, my brother will be the one to answer for his behavior. He will have to justify his choices to God…and I’m not saying that to feel some satisfying need for revenge but instead to know and embrace that it’s out of my hands. It’s no longer my fight to go to war for. I no longer feel an obligation to defend my family from him, as much as I would like to. I don’t have to protect them – God will do that for me. All I have to do is love my family like my brother cannot. God has blessed me with a husband who also loves my family, and we love his family as well. We’ve become a new family, and I’m immensely excited for our future <3

Thank you for listening to my story.

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The estranged are rendered voiceless

There is no recourse, no self-defense for the shunned.When a sibling is cut off, he/she loses the opportunity to present his/her side of the story, ask questions, or apologize. The shunned are rendered voiceless. Cutting off a sibling wields a weighty club of control, denying a sister’s or brother’s very existence; the shunned often feel anxious, rejected, hopeless, and powerless..As silence stretches on for months and even years, rumination replaces action for the shunned. Rumination, the constant replaying of events and conversations, erodes any remaining urge to attempt a productive conversation. In time, the shunned may come to feel that the prolonged silence is a deliberate act of hurt—its own form of betrayal and abuse.This emotional void leaves deep scars, as the shunned grapple with an overwhelming sense of unworthiness and confusion. The estranged feel deeply the absence of communication, as well as a profound sense of isolation and helplessness. The shunned are left to navigate a landscape of unanswered questions and unresolved feelings, often without much information as to why there is no contact.However, healing is possible. By engaging in self-reflection through journal writing or by seeking professional help, the shunned can begin to rebuild their sense of self-worth and find peace.

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