Elora Canne's Blog, page 14
May 13, 2021
Hot 🔥 Relationship Goals
Image credit @unsplash by @jonathansborbaWhen James and I completed our Date Year Experiment, we came away with solid ideas of what we wanted our relationship to look like. We set goals to ensure that we got the very best outcome. I'll outline some of them here, along with additional ideas from practicalintimacy.com
https://pin.it/1N7Qi1l
🔥 Know your boundaries and limitations: ❣ As well as knowing your own boundaries and letting your partner figure out theirs, you also need to know your limitations: own your faults, your shortcomings and areas of required improvement. Don't try to dictate your partners' limitations to them, this is about you taking ownership of your own stuff.
🔥 Validate your own feelings and emotions: ❣ Maintaining the status quo to keep the peace is not an option. Name your feelings, name your emotions without having to defend them. They just are because that is what you're experiencing.
🔥 Prioritize YOU time; passion projects, hobbies and interests: ❣ It took me several decades to learn that this is not being demanding. It's a necessity. It doesn't mean you're not acknowledging your partners' needs, because they too, are responsible for prioritizing their own needs - you are not the source of their accomplishments and entertainment.
🔥 Be willing to risk rejection for what is important to you: ❣ The happily-ever-after myth is exactly that, a myth. Autonomy respects the right to our opinions, values and perspectives - which includes the freedom to disagree, even if it means risking that rejection for what is important to you. You've heard it before; sometimes you have to agree to disagree, respectfully.
🔥 Learn how to embrace healthy conflict: ❣ We embrace healthy conflict by seeing differences of opinion as growth. Accepting that there will be times of challenge and conflict in your relationship helps to understand that it is not a bad thing. Growth mindset through difficulties means finding solutions and facing changes together.
~ Every relationship looks different so your goals and outcomes will be indicative of your personality and that of your partner. I'd be really interested to know how some of your goals might differ from those I've mentioned above. Drop me a comment to let me know.
~ Start a conversation with your partner today. Then, if you’re comfortable, share your findings so we can learn from each other.What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
May 6, 2021
Keep Your Connection Alive
NO SPARK STAYS ALIGHT WITHOUT EFFORT
Our Date Event for the year proved to be thoroughly worthwhile. James and I had bonded over new experiences and quality time alone, but that by no means meant we could sit back and watch our marriage continue to flourish all on its own.
Just as there is no perfect person out there, yes I’m talking to you, there is also no perfect relationship or marriage out there. If you consider for a moment, that essentially you are two strangers from different backgrounds with your own opinions, cultures and personality, so you are bound to disagree on some topics, which is to be expected. And if you’re not disagreeing some of the time, I would venture to say that one of you is sacrificing too much of yourself or possibly even being unnecessarily passive.
We should be playing to each others’ strengths not highlighting weaknesses, but building them up as best we know how.
Every day we are faced with situations that conjure up anger or irritation but the trick is to find ways to diffuse that wick – I’m not saying deny your anger, simply soften it to be less intense. Whether it be with an extra long hug, or agreeing to a little emotional ‘space’ or possibly even distracting yourselves with a walk or music or whatever it is that brings on your happy face. Then, when you’re in neutral territory/mental space, you can agree to have a mature discussion about your differences. This doesn’t always guarantee that one or the other will agree with each other, but it is okay to accept differences. In fact that is the cornerstone of all successful relationships –
Love the faults you fell in love with.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
April 29, 2021
Compromise is a Beautiful Thing
https://unsplash.com/@courtniebt13Our date on this occasion required compromise. Not usually a big problem in healthy relationships so it was little hardship to convince James to come with me to the Market. As we strolled around looking at this stall and that, he even showed interest in the items I was looking at.
A door stopper for one, which the ever practical man in him couldn't help but state, "I can fit one for you."
Well thank you dear, I thought, but I don't want a spoke sticking out of the skirting on the wall for the door to magnetize to, I would prefer a more aesthetically appealing one like this weighted anchor thanks. Instead, I concurred to have a look at other options.
In the end, James was happy for us to go back to the stall to buy the anchor door stop. Well wouldn't you know it? Nope, it wasn't sold, it was still sitting there waiting for me, but the vendor's Point of Sale device couldn't connect to the wifi signal and we didn't have any cash on us.
I had been given a beautiful opportunity by the universe to learn a little lesson here.
Karma was teaching me to compromise.
James had smiled outwardly while wandering aimlessly through the myriad market stalls, despite it not being his thing. Fortunately for us the market location was right on the beachfront so we ambled along the path, empty-handed, except for a robust cup of coffee, admiring the yachts moored on the marina and the dolphins frolicking in the waves.
Compromise leads to give and take; not always getting our own way; appreciating what others enjoy and/or value; putting consideration for someone else first. Whilst I knew that James doesn't ordinarily enjoy markets, I did know that the ocean is his happy place. With the beach right in front of the market I wagered that he could tolerate the market for a walk along the waters' edge.
I got a door stopper, James got the sea; it was the best of both worlds in my view.
Life doesn't always go our way and as trivial as this situation was, it showed me that alternatives to an expected outcome can be a good thing.
James and I found a solution that pleased both of us; both relishing in each others' happiness. Sometimes, making someone else happy also boosts your own happiness.
* Tell me, dear reader, have you ever had to compromise and then found yourself better off than you expected?
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
April 22, 2021
Love Yourself First
We're going to take a step back today with the important distinction that it is not a step backWARDS.
We're going to remind ourselves that without self-love our relationships suffer.
What does loving yourself mean to you?
In my experience, radical self-love is both internal and external. Earlier this week I'd had a bad nights' sleep and woke up feeling it. I recognised the need for a little 'me-lovin' so took myself out into the garden. Alas! There were roadworks out the front (I live in a cud-de-sac!) and a jackhammering neighbour out the back! No space for self reflection outdoors. So what did I do to show myself a bit of self-care? I wrapped myself up in bed.
My mindset was nowhere near ready for affirmations of self love so I simply listened to my breath.
After just a few minutes my focus turned inward. I noticed that I was well, I was loved and I was very fortunate to be wrapped up in bed. The switch was miniscule. I hardly noticed that my thoughts had changed until I started feeling relaxed.
With that, I chose to fill my belly with comfort foods; for me that is a spoonful of peanut butter and a cup of coffee. And I felt sufficiently content at that stage to cope with the noises of the outside world. The garden is usually my refuge, so back outside I went and this time, I actually integrated the hum of the jackhammer into my psyche - I started humming along with it. What else was there to do after all? I couldn't stop the noise so I internalised it.
This whole time, my husband, recognising my foul mood, had kept his distance but at this juncture, when he heard me humming, he joined me outside with a peace offering, a chocolate. And this is what he said, "Sweets for my sweet," my response..."sugar for my honey." And all equilibrium was restored.
The art of loving yourself is different for everyone so let's share our self care practices to help our community, our relationships and, most importantly, ourselves.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
April 15, 2021
INTUITION
Follow your nose, it knows what to do
Rocks of Knowledge Given the fire ravaged state our small town was in at the time, our intended 5km bike ride to the beach had to be re-planned. The poor air quality and visibility would have compromised our health and safety and besides, other people had suffered far greater loss than our intended bike ride.
We hopped into our car instead and decided to ‘see where we would end up.’ Following the roads to cleaner air we found ourselves in Tuncurry and literally followed our noses to be led hand-in-hand to the Rocks of Knowledge. Firstly following our noses was both literal and figurative as we sought out clearer air to breath and quite frankly found ourselves at the Rocks of Knowledge.
If we had ridden our bikes, we certainly would have had a wonderful time, but on this occasion instead, we got to hold hands and amble into a profound wisdom to trust our instincts – this was a broader aspect of knowledge we hadn’t expected to acquire, yet we followed our own guidance right into its knowing.
To trust our instincts meant a quiet stroll, intimately connected with our interwoven fingers; this could never have occurred on our bike ride – one simply can’t hold hands while cycling.
Rocks of Knowledge certainly gave us reason for introspection. Large boulders as they were, they appeared intimidating but to walk up to them and feel their rough exterior puts us physically in touch with their alive vulnerability. Their atoms are continually being pummeled by wind, sun, spray of the ocean and are being changed constantly into something finer, smoother yet equally powerful. Sand. Rocks take eons to evolve into sand but evolve they do.
We too, can stand tall and proud while being pummeled by life and yet our rough exterior can quite easily become softer, smoother and our new lease on life can evolve into something more refined like the grains of sand that cling to our toes as we traipse our way through life together, hands fitting tightly, intertwined forever.
How though can we stand tall and proud while being pummeled? We are so often enlightened as to ‘what’ to do but not the ‘how’ of it. Well I think this little sojourn may have given me the answer, given that it was at the Rocks of Knowledge after all, it is appropriate that some wisdom be imparted onto me to broaden my awareness of enlightenment.
How then?
· Expand your understanding – a rock does not experience the thrashing of wind, sun and sea on its surface as either negative or positive, it just is. Now we are not rocks you might reason, but we too, can withstand life’s ups and downs if we can learn to accept what is without reacting impulsively. Not easy I know, but that is one ‘how’ that we can practice: just observe, learn patience if nothing else and continue being your ‘rock’ solid self.
· Find value in the evolution of your personality – a rock turns to sand slowly but surely and there is value in the sand becoming a beach, a home for crabs and other sea critters, a place to build castles, a material to create glass and its infinite possibilities. Quite right, our bodies can turn into none of those things but we can turn into compassionate, caring, empathetic, sympathetic souls as we witness the struggles of those doing the bullying.
· Stand firm – boulders do not readily budge. Yes there are devastating rock slides but for the purposes of this illustration I am referring to the solid Rocks of Knowledge. They allow the waves to crash down on them because they have to, to become something different. They withstand the blazing heat of the sun because they need it to disintegrate into particles and they tolerate the fierce wind because it blows their new particles onto new land.
There we have three ways in which to trust our intuition and know that most experiences are for our greater good.
If you have experienced the wisdom of nature, I'd love to hear about it in the comments.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
April 8, 2021
What value can you bring to a relationship?
Image credit Tyler Nix via Unsplash
The 3 Dating Tendencies
Quite honestly, I think all relationships have a combination of Logan's 3 dating tendencies. The trick is to juggle each of them in equal measure.
The Romanticizer: The reality is that there are no perfect relationships. Period. We have to accept that there are ups and downs in every single relationship on earth. Once we can accept that fact, it is easier to move towards improving the quality of our interactions without striving for perfection.
The Maximizer: Whether it's you or your partner who has unrealistic expectations of the other, it's important to state your boundaries. That is the secret sauce to maintaining integrity in your relationships. Respectful boundaries deserve respect.
The Hesitater: If your self-doubt is based on either of the above tendencies, you need to look at your 'why'. Once you appreciate your personality for its strengths you will have a deeper understanding of what it is you can offer a partner. Then you will be in a healthier position to trust your contribution to your relationships.
(Check it out, I'm No. 50 on the list of Feedspot's Top 100 Relationship blogs - not affiliated)
https://blog.feedspot.com/relationship_blogs/
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
April 1, 2021
The nature of love
Quoted from Gretchen Rubin: My husband has to put up with me putting dirty dishes in the sink, not the dishwasher, and I have to put up with him buying more without seeing what we already have. Ask me how much soy sauce we have! And my daughter puts empty containers back in the fridge or cupboard. But love conquers all. What are your kitchen squabbles?
Below is a fabulous article from Grace Dent at The Guardian that epitomizes the nature of love and our commitment to those we love.
https://www.betterapp.us/posts/12671688
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
March 26, 2021
En Route: The best is yet to be
Something wonderful is happening so I wanted to share the excitement with you.
In 7 months I will be a published author! I have written my memoir which is an expansion of ‘Creating Sparks that Last,’ which you might already have read. If you haven’t, it’s available at the link in the top post; it will give you the backstory to my memoir. If you’re unable to access the link I’ll gladly email the ebook/pdf document to you.
Anyway, back to my memoir, ‘En Route: The best is yet to be.’ In the unraveling of my inherent people-pleasing practices I uncover a hidden dragon within. This self-empowerment helps me give voice to my opinions; to speak up in trying times and to face adversity head on. From all this self-discovery I learn new ways of engaging in all my relationship dynamics. From siblings, to offspring, in-laws, parents and partner, I find my identity and mightily so!
If you’d like the same empowerment for your life, register your interest in being the first to receive ‘En Route.’ Leave a comment or email me via our contact form at the menu. Thanks for your support, you’re the best! What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
March 18, 2021
Mental Wellbeing
Treating our mental health well like we should our physical health is a necessity. To this end, James and I indulged ourselves with a Gold Class movie night out. We went the whole hog as they say – pre-ordering snacks to be delivered to us periodically through the movie. Lounging back in our recliner chairs sipping on tannin rich merlot, the aroma swirling around my nostrils, I was basking in the sheer opulence.
These are important moments to take for ourselves, and each other. The movie we chose was Joker. In light of a recent emotional meltdown I had had regarding my career, this was a particularly sensitive story for us to follow. It was a dark storyline with uncomfortable truths to follow, but oh so necessary for us as individuals and for the greater community as a universal whole. Doing something out of the ordinary, watching a movie out of the ordinary nudges us towards growth. Understanding of others. Tolerance towards others. Compassion towards our own state or sense of being.
Thought-provoking, socially inept, mental health complexities brought to the fore, Joker was disturbingly, brutally worthwhile to watch. Incidentally Joaquin Phoenix won the Oscar that year for his role as the main actor, creating worldwide awareness of this prickly condition. Airing it to be a topic to be discussed openly.
It is time to take mental wellness seriously. James and I drew closer as a couple due to being able to speak more openly about our fragilities and vulnerabilities as a direct result of watching Joker. It’s not that we were never close enough to have those awkward conversations, it was just that we had never seen the necessity before. Now we knew that it is most definitely not healthy to store our concerns in our heads. And it is most decidedly unnecessary too. There is no shame in being emotionally fragile and the more we talk about this, the better not only do we ourselves feel, but the better our community will be with happier more stable citizens in it. And herein lies the key – talking. No-one can hear you if you don’t say anything. People are fickle and can misinterpret warning signs or silence in and from others as being antisocial or ‘disturbed’. Most people tend to shy away from those situations purely because they don’t know how to handle them. So our responsibilities as a community are two-fold then – first let’s remove the stigma towards mental unrest and let’s educate the broader society in ways to encourage uncomfortable communication regarding mental stability, thereby creating healthy, happier human beings. We all have our insecurities and when they are acknowledged, we feel valued. Mental health/unrest/instability – call it what you will – comes in many shapes and sizes. Depression, breakdown, meltdown, disorders, lack of confidence, complexes and many others that I am undoubtedly unaware of, all need to be embraced, faced and dealt with sensitively and effectively. That does not mean giving someone a pill to ‘help them get better’, that is not how mental illness works. It needs to be healed from inside one’s head as well, because that is where it starts and that is where the problem lies.
Wow, somehow this date became a passion project on mental wellbeing. James and I are more aware of each others’ sensitivities because of our growing awareness of each others’ needs, strengths and failings. When you love someone, you love the whole gamut of them. Not one of us is perfect and even when we first meet the love of our life, we often overlook their idiosyncrasies but in a long-term marriage such as ours, those idiosyncrasies can no longer be overlooked because they become an insidious part of daily routine. They have to be loved – not liked – but if you continue to love the very faults you fell in love with, you will learn to tolerate them to a greater level of growth.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.March 4, 2021
Finding Yourself
This is the end screen of a video that I tried valiantly to upload. It’s an introduction to my first date with my husband to give you a little backstory about how we met. If you’d like to listen, it will be uploaded on my Instagram and Facebook accounts. Both are named Elora Canne. FacebookInstagram
I was 18 when I got a call from this husky voiced man who I was immediately drawn to. Mutual friends had introduced us as I was too shy to ask anyone to my Year 12 Formal.
I thought this 22 year old man epitomized the height of maturity for calling me ahead of the Year 12 Formal for a pre-date instead. This was to ensure we’d hit it off and not ruin the Formal. How considerate! How mature!
On our pre-date there were 6 of us out for dinner and we had a merry time with a few glasses of wine (it’s legal at 18 in South Africa). My date offered me another glass of wine and in my prim and proper 18 year old voice I replied with, “No thank you, I’ve had far too many wines of glass already.” Well apparently that was him smitten and we’d both decided from that first date that this was a relationship we wanted to pursue.
Fast forward through married life, parenthood and full time work, we had to reinvent ourselves time and again. We had to evolve with our changing circumstances if we were to stay together happily.
Now as empty-nesters we view each other and ourselves with new eyes all over again. It was necessary to rediscover shared interests while maintaining our individuality and our separate interests. That’s where our Date Year experiment came in and I cannot recommend it HIGHLY enough.
We added so much value to our relationship through exploring our new role as middle-aged, happily married empty-nesters. I’d love to know if you’ve found ways of reconnecting with your partner too. Let me know in the comments so we can share and grow together.What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
