Elora Canne's Blog, page 13
July 15, 2021
Heal Your Own Heart First
Welcome to the second instalment in our new mini-seriesOur Relationship with Ourselves
https://unsplash.com/@bartlarueepplerSpiritually, the four chambers of the heart represent:
♥ Compassion: Kindness, concern, consideration, care
♥ Love: Fondness, reverence, respect, value
♥ Understanding: Thoughtful, altruistic, accepting, patient
♥ Emotion: Feeling, sentiment, passion, sensation
https://unsplash.com/@snowidesignz Physically, the four chambers are divided into two atria and two ventricles: 👉(You don't need to know this but it relates to the metaphysical paragraph below, that's why I've included it).
∞ The right atrium receives oxygen-poor blood from the body and pumps it to the right ventricle.
∞ The right ventricle pumps the oxygen-poor blood to the lungs.
∞The left atrium receives oxygen-rich blood from the lungs and pumps it to the left ventricle.
∞ The left ventricle pumps the oxygen-rich blood to the body.
Below the image is a link to a 6 minute talk between Esther Perel and Dick Schwartz. They speak of our inner voice and how to use it to our benefit. I particularly liked the 8 C's at the 4.57 minute mark of the video which relate to the metaphysical paragraph below. (DISCLAIMER: I don't agree with the closing remark about our parents as it's my belief that we reach a certain understanding when we know the consequences of our own actions - our parents were doing the best they knew at their level of awareness).
Understanding Our Inner Critic
YouTube conversation between Esther Perel and Dick Schwartz: Understanding our Inner Critic
Metaphysically, we combine the two systems to create meaningful interactions:
✔ Showing compassionincludes, but is not limited to, kindness, concern, consideration and care. These benevolent traits can be draining if you are continually pouring them out to others. Like our physical heart receives oxygen-poor blood, this is likened to you receiving others’ drama.
✔ You can loveand respect your loved ones and still let go of their drama mentally. This is the second attribute of spiritual representation of our heart space. You can be fond of someone without holding onto their fears; pump the negativity out replacing it with positive thoughts until they have left your thoughts just as our right ventricle pumps the oxygen-poor blood to our lungs to be cleaned.
✔ Being understandingof those close to you, means accepting their need to have someone they can trust to vent to. To be thoughtful in your response requires patience on your behalf without absorbing their problem. Always remain altruistic to yourself first, so you can only receive healthy thoughts, just as the third phase of our physical heart receives oxygen-rich blood for our own body.
✔ The emotionthat you impart onto others, pumps them with positive feelings about themselves and ultimately, you too, will feel sensations of passion and sentiment, mirroring the heart as it pumps oxygen-rich blood to your body.
😜 To lighten things up a little, answer these 6 cheeky questions about you and your partner. Not only will you have a laugh together, you'll also be able to relate a little better to each other.
Enjoy! Happy Couples Quiz
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
July 7, 2021
Own Your Self-Worth!
I think it's important to have a great relationship with ourselves before we can expect a better relationship with our partner." Jude - Quantum Healing Connection
Welcome to our new mini-series:Our Relationship with Ourselves
Photo by Drew Colins on Unsplash"I determine my self-worth from now on!" This was me after a particularly tough disagreement with my husband of 35+ years. Disagreements happen. They're a fact of life, but when our self-worth is undermined we have to stand up for ourselves.
That was a pivotal moment in our relationship.
It truly gave me a Superpower I had never owned before. It helped me understand that I do not need to be small to fit someone else's ego; I do not need to keep quiet when I disagree - I found my self-worth Superpower that day and it helped both of us forge a healthier environment for our relationship.
Ali and Cameron Daddo speak of this concept in their 'Separate Bathrooms' podcast. The episode is titled Save our Marriage. It's worth a listen to help understand the growth and evolution required in any relationship if it is to sustain the rigors of everyday life. Save our Marriage
When we talk about our self-worth, it's not the vanity of looking at ourselves and admiring our outward appearance, it's about valuing our morals, ethics and opinion. It's about showing people how we will accept being treated and how we will NOT accept being treated.
Once you grasp the importance of your self-worth, then you can work on offering a relationship the essence of who you are.
When a partner undermines you, it is never about you.
It is never about what you can change.
It is always about their process of emotion.
Radical Self Love
When you are the one in your relationship dynamic having an emotional experience, it would serve you well to remember, too, that this is your experience to process and it does not reflect on your partners' issues. Read this article for just a small example of a minor blip in my equilibrium, which I managed to resolve with radical self love: Love Yourself First
In the first paragraph at the top of the page, we spoke about the value of self-worth as a Superpower from within. Now I understand that the paragraph above, Radical Self Love, speaks of external gratification as a form of self love; what I want to emphasize is the act of knowing our self-worth is valued enough to warrant self indulgence. We deserve self-care. Always. ALWAYS.
In our younger years, we are so indoctrinated by society to fit, be flashy and keep up with the latest trends. I have an important pivot to share with you which will show you how to value your own trends without having to fit into the latest fad: Grow Your Self-Worth
No growth happens overnight. It takes small steps for a very good reason. We can only deal with small amounts of deepening awareness at a time, so that we can process it and evolve accordingly.
Let me know in the comments if this resonated with you. It is such a deep topic with many layers to unravel; I'd love to hear your opinion.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
July 1, 2021
Awkward Conversations and How to Fix Them
https://unsplash.com/@jonathanborbaOne thing is for sure: Marriage and relationships take a lot of work; a lot of honesty with ourselves and our partners. Michelle Obama speaks openly on her anniversary with Barack.
[This will be the last of our 4-part mini series on effective communication in relationships. Keep a look out for our new series next week!]
Honesty with ourselves: Let's begin thereIf our partner says things that make us feel uncomfortable, we have to first examine what it feels like inside of us in order to understand why we feel that way.
For example, "Are you going to dinner dressed like that?"A seemingly innocent question right?
WRONG.
It's an accusatory question and it makes you feel defensive.Great! Now you can start to understand why it makes you feel that way.
You might have any number of reasons - they'll be personal to you as we're all so very different.
When you've discovered why you feel a certain way, you are better equipped to absorb the question about your outfit without judgement.
You're able to answer with confidence, "Yes I am." Head held high, no explanation necessary.After all, you chose that outfit with particular reasons in mind, so they are yours to keep.
Being honest with ourselves means acknowledging our feelings, NOT hiding them, but also not letting them consume us.
Once you've given your feelings a nod of acceptance, maintain the status quo of being true to you, by validating your reasons for your choices - validating them to yourself primarily - but if you're in a relationship where you feel better explaining yourself, you're fully entitled to do that.
These are awkward conversations to have, no doubt about it but once you can be honest with yourself, you can begin to be honest with your partner.
Listen Learn Love
https://unsplash.com/@brett_jordan* Get the lowdown on ways to have deeper conversations here: Take me there!Honesty with our PartnerNow let's turn the tables and suggest you're not a fan of your partner's outfit. They're completely entitled to wear it remember, just like you were to wear yours.
How might you better guide the conversation to be a discussion and not an accusatory question?
Some scenario's might go something like this, "I like that shirt you're wearing, but the blue one really brings out your eyes." It's not meant to be a BS sandwich, it's meant to be an honest compliment.
Chances are their eyes will light up BUT if they look downcast at the thought of you not liking what they're wearing, reassure them with a swift comeback, "I don't expect you to change, you're always my babe/honey/sweetheart no matter what you're wearing."
It's still an awkward conversation, but it's an honest conversation.
Nothing you've said is hurtful or untrue.
I mean, she wore heels to the beach!
https://unsplash.com/@jakobowens1*Get inspired! Click to see 4 easy ways to deepen your connection with your love: Show me the magic!
Learning about ourselves is liberating. That's one thing I've learned. I'd love to hear some of the things you've learned about marriage or relationships, and about yourself. Let me know in the comments.
Join our happy readers today! I'm in!
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
June 24, 2021
Mindful Listening with Wrapt Attention
@johnschnobrich UnsplashIntimacy is not only physical connection, it is also mindful connection.
People start to heal when they feel heard.
Mindful Listening:"Focus on your partner and really listen in to what they're telling you." Making Couples Happy - John Aiken
❤ Listen, but don't fix - just empathise.❤ Listen, but don't interrupt - just connect.❤ Listen, but don't judge - just understand.
This kind of listening helps people connect through empathy, or as I prefer to call it, kindliness. To me kindliness is more tangible. Empathy can seem a bit vague to those who don't have it, whereas kindliness gives a better indication of what is expected; concern, interest, support.
When you listen without interrupting, you become present. Using facial expressions and gentle gestures strengthens your presence. When you listen without jumping to conclusions or trying to fix their problems or offering advice, you stay with your partner's emotions and validate them.
Sitting face to face, making eye contact shows that you are curious, engaged and attentive.
Just focus on your partner's facial expressions
aj-alao UnsplashIf you're part of a couple that tends not to listen well to each other, take the time to start paying attention.
Simply listen.
Be curious and engaged without saying anything. Over time you will naturally start to listen this way.
Talking, supporting, connecting and dreaming together actually speeds up physical healing according to research from John Aiken's book, Making Couples Happy.
So I'll leave you with a thoughtful excerpt to think about when next there is a disagreement brewing:
"According to Sue Johnson, the pioneer of emotionally focused couples therapy, we now understand that we are neurologically hardwired by millions of years of evolution to find a mate, to love and to cherish, and to be loved and cherished - to be attached, and to connect. Our mate becomes our safe haven."
QOTD - Are you your mates safe haven?
@neobrand UnsplashDid I miss anything? Share below :)
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
June 17, 2021
Listen With Your Eyes
https://unsplash.com/@lawlesscapture"The first important point to realize is that only a small part of what you are communicating at any moment is coming from the actual words you are saying. There are three ways that we are constantly sending out messages to those around us: body language, tone of voice and actual words." - Decoding Love by Andrew Trees
I've done extensive research in the art of communicating, particularly with people who are emotionally vulnerable. To continue our communication thread, we'll look at a variety of ways we can be more receptive to our partners' needs and convey our message with more awareness and perhaps subtlety.
In the book Decoding Love, Andrew Trees goes on to say, "In most casual conversations, what we say is the least important of the three aspects of communication."
Consider a conversation you're having with someone while they're checking their mobile phone. This is a tragic reality of our society. Not only are they missing all the nuances your body language is portraying but they're also missing the deeper connection, the eye contact, the intimacy of a shared moment.
Conversations like that get watered down, the person talking shuts down a little to avoid the feeling of neglect from being mostly ignored. Worst of all, communication on a larger scale shuts down too because the person who is talking feels that they are not valued.
Emotionally Vulnerable People
https://unsplash.com/@alexandruzTo an emotionally vulnerable person it feels like they are not enough. It feels like the other person is not interested in what they have to say or that whatever the other person is looking at on their phone is more important than they are. Low self-esteem ensues - a huge red flag erupts in the mechanics of the relationship.
How can we fix this?
Understand first, rather than respond:
❤ Eye contact - there is a world of emotion to be found by looking someone in the eyes❤ Speak with a low-pitched voice - calm conversation is more productive ❤ Observe facial expressions - you can discern emotion and redirect the conversation accordingly❤ Physical touch - a brief touch on the arm or hand can soften most aggressive responsesIn a startling discovery from Andrew Trees' research in Decoding Love, he found that the reason for this failure in marital communication was that the longer a couple was married, the less attention they paid to each other. For any theory of marriage predicated on good communication, the study reveals just how daunting that task [communication] can be.
❤ "Only connect," as E.M. Forster wrote in the epigraph to Howard's End. Useful advice not just in our search for love but in the most basic expression of our humanity.
We'll end with this succinct question from Andrew Trees' book Decoding Love:
❤ What sort of value do you place on companionship? 📣 I'd love to hear your perspective.
https://unsplash.com/@ericjameswardDid you learn something new? Share it with us so we can all benefit and grow beautiful relationships.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
June 10, 2021
Highly Sensitive People
https://unsplash.com/@css
Thank you to everyone who has responded with suggestions for our new series on the blog. We'll start with communication, specifically with highly sensitive people through difficult conversations.
New Blog Series Highly Sensitive People – How to handle difficult conversations
Difficult conversations are part of all relationships. They are awkward, uncomfortable and confronting, but they need to be had. If one, or both, of you is highly sensitive, the conversation is that much more difficult to navigate. If one, or both, of you is hot-headed, the conversation falls to pieces too quickly.
Mark Twain Quote: I can live for two months on a good compliment
Personally, one compliment every two months just would not cut it. But compliments don’t communicate difficult points of view to highly sensitive people anyway. Not if you’re trying to gain their understanding. After all, that is the point of a discussion. Not to win or be right, but to gain understanding from your partner so they can grasp your perspective and discover deeper aspects of you that they never understood before.
When you and your mate take the time to see each others’ point of view, you uncover layers of growth that open up your relationship for opportunities to discuss uncomfortable problems that need to be aired for discussion.
So, how do we go about gaining their understanding?
Explain what your emotions feel like
https://unsplash.com/@jonathanrados
That may sound too simple because emotions and feelings are the same thing but there’s an important distinction: When you label an emotion, it doesn’t portray your exact feelings, but when you describe how that emotion makesyou feel, voila, you have opened a magical portal of discovery. New information that your partner can relate to and digest because they can relate to it.
Once you’ve given your partner that information, their perspective will tilt towards acknowledgement. Acknowledgement means acceptance - for you. And the greatest accomplishment in any relationship is to gain acceptance; belonging – seen as a unit and a team to face the world together. Once you’re united in your front, you can achieve even greater success in uncovering more complexities and resolving misunderstandings with more depth and sensitivity.
https://unsplash.com/@neonbrand
I think honest communication is key if we want to achieve happy relationships. Do you agree?
Comment your thoughts and let's open the conversation.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
June 6, 2021
Your Turn!
Image credit Priscilla du Preez via Unsplash
Hi blogger fam, I'm dropping into your inbox on a Monday instead of Friday today - SURPRISE!
New Blog SeriesI'm starting a fresh conversation here on the blog and I'd appreciate your input. But more on that in a minute.
The reason for today's post is to let you know that I'll be sending out an email to all my blog fam later in the week. The topic is the same, but I needed to give you a heads-up.
The reason for the heads-up is because I'll be sending the email via Mailerlite through my gmail address. If you don't already have me in your inbox, it might mark it as suspicious. It even marked it as suspicious for me when I sent myself a tester email haha.
Image credit Harli Marten via UnsplashNavigating relationships can be tricky
Tell me I'm not the only one who feels like this, right?
And so, I'm excited to launch a brand new series in our blog and I'm interested to know which topics you would like me to research and discuss.
It's time to delve into deep conversation about the myriad facets of couples and relationships. We've talked of the many ways to improve our connection, particularly in established partnerships. Now we dig deeper. What is your biggest challenge?
If you follow me on social media here Elora Canne (Instagram) or here Elora Canne Facebook you might've already seen a similar post. I've received some brilliant feedback there if you'd like to join the conversation over on Instagram or Facebook. Otherwise, I'll hear from you via email or in the comments below.
Can't wait to share fresh new solutions for your relationship trouble spots.
June 3, 2021
A Good Relationship Isn't Something You Find
Image credit @carolinamarinelli on Unsplash
Setting goals as a couple helps unify your focus. It connects your purpose for your relationship and ensures that you are both invested in its longevity.
Working towards the longevity of your relationship can take effort, but setting goals together is one of the easiest ways to do it. Because you're both invested in the same outcome of that particular goal, it gives your relationship direction and purpose.
As quoted from Revive Your Midlife Marriage - Midlife Marriage Strategist on Instagram:
A good marriage isn't something you find. It's something you make, and you have to keep on making it every single day.
She goes on to ask: 'Are you accepting things that could really be different if you put a little time, energy, and intention into it?'
Marriage can feel overwhelming and make you feel like you don't have the energy to work on it, so we ignore what's happening and try to fill up the empty spaces with other things.
It doesn't have to be so hard. We've suggested simple ideas below to get you started:
💛 Start with one goal and work on it. Just one.
💛 Everyday choose to do one thing that can improve your marriage. Just one.
💛 Ask for what you need.
💛 Listen intently to your spouse.
💛 Ask powerful questions. "What makes you feel that way?"
💛 Share words of affirmation.
💛 Do Something nice for your spouse for no reason.
💛 Plan meaningful time together.
💛 Encourage and be fully present in each moment.
💛 Forgive. No one is perfect.
💛 Touch more.
💛 Don't compare your marriage to other marriages.
💛 Don't settle for mediocrity.
💛 Add your own inspiration here. And share it with us in the comments so we can inspire others too.
~ If you want to know more about how to improve your marriage, Revive Your Midlife Marriage also has a podcast of the same name. Find it here:
May 27, 2021
Bring Your Marriage Back from the Brink
You can also find new ways to feel by learning more about each other.
To recap on last weeks’ post about honest and open vulnerability and making a commitment to the happiness of your relationship, I’ve got a few pointers below to steer the process in the right direction.
To learn a little more about your mate it’ll help to understand some of these ideas:
Unique 🔸 What are your interests, individually and as a couple?Connect 🔸Physically and emotionally with eye contactConsistent 🔸 Commit ahead of time to a time frame that suits both your calendars for date eventsVulnerability 🔸 Be prepared to talk of sensitive issues without fear of betrayalLaughter 🔸It really is the best medicine; choose outings that tickle your funny bone
I am not a marriage counsellor, I’m not even a relationship guide; what I am, is a wife. I have been a wife to the same man for 33 years. I won’t say always happily because that would be a false representation of reality. Marriage is not pretty. It’s not meant to be. What it is meant to be is a commitment to putting in the effort to pretty-up the not-so-pretty gaps.
As two strangers from different backgrounds, uniting as one, you are expected to have differing values, opinions and points of view. The secret to remember is that there are many perspectives with many differing points of view and they are all valid – they all have a role to play in developing your relationship to greater heights.
If you or anyone you know is struggling to re-connect to the beauty of their marriage or relationship, please seek professional guidance before you throw in the towel. There is so much affection and renewed compassion and understanding to discover with new facets to your partner you never knew existed. How could you have known, if you have not allowed your relationship to grow in its new identity and expand its boundaries?
You can bring your marriage back from stagnating on the brink of the Stone Age so long as you commit to adapting to the Modern Age of your evolved marital landscape.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
May 20, 2021
Marriage Manifesto
Image credit @casey-horner via Unsplash
♥ Notice how I said ‘unique’?
There is no one size fits all to a relationship so don’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s.
Each one is a unique fit.
I largely chose our dates myself for Date Year but I made sure to integrate James’ preferences as well. This is how our experiences became unique to us.
I use words like ‘both’, ‘our’ and ‘us’ because marriage is exclusively about the two of you. Three’s a crowd, no doubt about it. We’re not talking about socializing, we’re talking about connecting. Your marriage needs to grow the two of you together so choose your date experiences wisely.
♥ Be consistent. Don’t let the inconvenience of everyday life get in the way of making a commitment to the happiness of your marriage.
♥ Regularity brings results. A once-off just won't cut it.
♥ Honest and open vulnerability is a necessity to bringing trust into any relationship. Some dates need neutral space to bare your soul.
♥ Shared laughter is healing laughter. Remember to create a few fun experiences too.
Image credit @scott-broome via UnsplashHow have you managed to make date outings work for your relationship? I'm always interested in reading how other couples have been successful in creating greater happiness in their relationships. Do you go out on regular dates or are you more of a 'wing-it' couple, as the mood strikes? How about at-home dates? Do those work for you?
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
