Elora Canne's Blog, page 13
June 17, 2021
Listen With Your Eyes
https://unsplash.com/@lawlesscapture"The first important point to realize is that only a small part of what you are communicating at any moment is coming from the actual words you are saying. There are three ways that we are constantly sending out messages to those around us: body language, tone of voice and actual words." - Decoding Love by Andrew Trees
I've done extensive research in the art of communicating, particularly with people who are emotionally vulnerable. To continue our communication thread, we'll look at a variety of ways we can be more receptive to our partners' needs and convey our message with more awareness and perhaps subtlety.
In the book Decoding Love, Andrew Trees goes on to say, "In most casual conversations, what we say is the least important of the three aspects of communication."
Consider a conversation you're having with someone while they're checking their mobile phone. This is a tragic reality of our society. Not only are they missing all the nuances your body language is portraying but they're also missing the deeper connection, the eye contact, the intimacy of a shared moment.
Conversations like that get watered down, the person talking shuts down a little to avoid the feeling of neglect from being mostly ignored. Worst of all, communication on a larger scale shuts down too because the person who is talking feels that they are not valued.
Emotionally Vulnerable People
https://unsplash.com/@alexandruzTo an emotionally vulnerable person it feels like they are not enough. It feels like the other person is not interested in what they have to say or that whatever the other person is looking at on their phone is more important than they are. Low self-esteem ensues - a huge red flag erupts in the mechanics of the relationship.
How can we fix this?
Understand first, rather than respond:
❤ Eye contact - there is a world of emotion to be found by looking someone in the eyes❤ Speak with a low-pitched voice - calm conversation is more productive ❤ Observe facial expressions - you can discern emotion and redirect the conversation accordingly❤ Physical touch - a brief touch on the arm or hand can soften most aggressive responsesIn a startling discovery from Andrew Trees' research in Decoding Love, he found that the reason for this failure in marital communication was that the longer a couple was married, the less attention they paid to each other. For any theory of marriage predicated on good communication, the study reveals just how daunting that task [communication] can be.
❤ "Only connect," as E.M. Forster wrote in the epigraph to Howard's End. Useful advice not just in our search for love but in the most basic expression of our humanity.
We'll end with this succinct question from Andrew Trees' book Decoding Love:
❤ What sort of value do you place on companionship? 📣 I'd love to hear your perspective.
https://unsplash.com/@ericjameswardDid you learn something new? Share it with us so we can all benefit and grow beautiful relationships.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
June 10, 2021
Highly Sensitive People
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Thank you to everyone who has responded with suggestions for our new series on the blog. We'll start with communication, specifically with highly sensitive people through difficult conversations.
New Blog Series Highly Sensitive People – How to handle difficult conversations
Difficult conversations are part of all relationships. They are awkward, uncomfortable and confronting, but they need to be had. If one, or both, of you is highly sensitive, the conversation is that much more difficult to navigate. If one, or both, of you is hot-headed, the conversation falls to pieces too quickly.
Mark Twain Quote: I can live for two months on a good compliment
Personally, one compliment every two months just would not cut it. But compliments don’t communicate difficult points of view to highly sensitive people anyway. Not if you’re trying to gain their understanding. After all, that is the point of a discussion. Not to win or be right, but to gain understanding from your partner so they can grasp your perspective and discover deeper aspects of you that they never understood before.
When you and your mate take the time to see each others’ point of view, you uncover layers of growth that open up your relationship for opportunities to discuss uncomfortable problems that need to be aired for discussion.
So, how do we go about gaining their understanding?
Explain what your emotions feel like
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That may sound too simple because emotions and feelings are the same thing but there’s an important distinction: When you label an emotion, it doesn’t portray your exact feelings, but when you describe how that emotion makesyou feel, voila, you have opened a magical portal of discovery. New information that your partner can relate to and digest because they can relate to it.
Once you’ve given your partner that information, their perspective will tilt towards acknowledgement. Acknowledgement means acceptance - for you. And the greatest accomplishment in any relationship is to gain acceptance; belonging – seen as a unit and a team to face the world together. Once you’re united in your front, you can achieve even greater success in uncovering more complexities and resolving misunderstandings with more depth and sensitivity.
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I think honest communication is key if we want to achieve happy relationships. Do you agree?
Comment your thoughts and let's open the conversation.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
June 6, 2021
Your Turn!
Image credit Priscilla du Preez via Unsplash
Hi blogger fam, I'm dropping into your inbox on a Monday instead of Friday today - SURPRISE!
New Blog SeriesI'm starting a fresh conversation here on the blog and I'd appreciate your input. But more on that in a minute.
The reason for today's post is to let you know that I'll be sending out an email to all my blog fam later in the week. The topic is the same, but I needed to give you a heads-up.
The reason for the heads-up is because I'll be sending the email via Mailerlite through my gmail address. If you don't already have me in your inbox, it might mark it as suspicious. It even marked it as suspicious for me when I sent myself a tester email haha.
Image credit Harli Marten via UnsplashNavigating relationships can be tricky
Tell me I'm not the only one who feels like this, right?
And so, I'm excited to launch a brand new series in our blog and I'm interested to know which topics you would like me to research and discuss.
It's time to delve into deep conversation about the myriad facets of couples and relationships. We've talked of the many ways to improve our connection, particularly in established partnerships. Now we dig deeper. What is your biggest challenge?
If you follow me on social media here Elora Canne (Instagram) or here Elora Canne Facebook you might've already seen a similar post. I've received some brilliant feedback there if you'd like to join the conversation over on Instagram or Facebook. Otherwise, I'll hear from you via email or in the comments below.
Can't wait to share fresh new solutions for your relationship trouble spots.
June 3, 2021
A Good Relationship Isn't Something You Find
Image credit @carolinamarinelli on Unsplash
Setting goals as a couple helps unify your focus. It connects your purpose for your relationship and ensures that you are both invested in its longevity.
Working towards the longevity of your relationship can take effort, but setting goals together is one of the easiest ways to do it. Because you're both invested in the same outcome of that particular goal, it gives your relationship direction and purpose.
As quoted from Revive Your Midlife Marriage - Midlife Marriage Strategist on Instagram:
A good marriage isn't something you find. It's something you make, and you have to keep on making it every single day.
She goes on to ask: 'Are you accepting things that could really be different if you put a little time, energy, and intention into it?'
Marriage can feel overwhelming and make you feel like you don't have the energy to work on it, so we ignore what's happening and try to fill up the empty spaces with other things.
It doesn't have to be so hard. We've suggested simple ideas below to get you started:
💛 Start with one goal and work on it. Just one.
💛 Everyday choose to do one thing that can improve your marriage. Just one.
💛 Ask for what you need.
💛 Listen intently to your spouse.
💛 Ask powerful questions. "What makes you feel that way?"
💛 Share words of affirmation.
💛 Do Something nice for your spouse for no reason.
💛 Plan meaningful time together.
💛 Encourage and be fully present in each moment.
💛 Forgive. No one is perfect.
💛 Touch more.
💛 Don't compare your marriage to other marriages.
💛 Don't settle for mediocrity.
💛 Add your own inspiration here. And share it with us in the comments so we can inspire others too.
~ If you want to know more about how to improve your marriage, Revive Your Midlife Marriage also has a podcast of the same name. Find it here:
May 27, 2021
Bring Your Marriage Back from the Brink
You can also find new ways to feel by learning more about each other.
To recap on last weeks’ post about honest and open vulnerability and making a commitment to the happiness of your relationship, I’ve got a few pointers below to steer the process in the right direction.
To learn a little more about your mate it’ll help to understand some of these ideas:
Unique 🔸 What are your interests, individually and as a couple?Connect 🔸Physically and emotionally with eye contactConsistent 🔸 Commit ahead of time to a time frame that suits both your calendars for date eventsVulnerability 🔸 Be prepared to talk of sensitive issues without fear of betrayalLaughter 🔸It really is the best medicine; choose outings that tickle your funny bone
I am not a marriage counsellor, I’m not even a relationship guide; what I am, is a wife. I have been a wife to the same man for 33 years. I won’t say always happily because that would be a false representation of reality. Marriage is not pretty. It’s not meant to be. What it is meant to be is a commitment to putting in the effort to pretty-up the not-so-pretty gaps.
As two strangers from different backgrounds, uniting as one, you are expected to have differing values, opinions and points of view. The secret to remember is that there are many perspectives with many differing points of view and they are all valid – they all have a role to play in developing your relationship to greater heights.
If you or anyone you know is struggling to re-connect to the beauty of their marriage or relationship, please seek professional guidance before you throw in the towel. There is so much affection and renewed compassion and understanding to discover with new facets to your partner you never knew existed. How could you have known, if you have not allowed your relationship to grow in its new identity and expand its boundaries?
You can bring your marriage back from stagnating on the brink of the Stone Age so long as you commit to adapting to the Modern Age of your evolved marital landscape.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
May 20, 2021
Marriage Manifesto
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♥ Notice how I said ‘unique’?
There is no one size fits all to a relationship so don’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s.
Each one is a unique fit.
I largely chose our dates myself for Date Year but I made sure to integrate James’ preferences as well. This is how our experiences became unique to us.
I use words like ‘both’, ‘our’ and ‘us’ because marriage is exclusively about the two of you. Three’s a crowd, no doubt about it. We’re not talking about socializing, we’re talking about connecting. Your marriage needs to grow the two of you together so choose your date experiences wisely.
♥ Be consistent. Don’t let the inconvenience of everyday life get in the way of making a commitment to the happiness of your marriage.
♥ Regularity brings results. A once-off just won't cut it.
♥ Honest and open vulnerability is a necessity to bringing trust into any relationship. Some dates need neutral space to bare your soul.
♥ Shared laughter is healing laughter. Remember to create a few fun experiences too.
Image credit @scott-broome via UnsplashHow have you managed to make date outings work for your relationship? I'm always interested in reading how other couples have been successful in creating greater happiness in their relationships. Do you go out on regular dates or are you more of a 'wing-it' couple, as the mood strikes? How about at-home dates? Do those work for you?
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
May 13, 2021
Hot 🔥 Relationship Goals
Image credit @unsplash by @jonathansborbaWhen James and I completed our Date Year Experiment, we came away with solid ideas of what we wanted our relationship to look like. We set goals to ensure that we got the very best outcome. I'll outline some of them here, along with additional ideas from practicalintimacy.com
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🔥 Know your boundaries and limitations: ❣ As well as knowing your own boundaries and letting your partner figure out theirs, you also need to know your limitations: own your faults, your shortcomings and areas of required improvement. Don't try to dictate your partners' limitations to them, this is about you taking ownership of your own stuff.
🔥 Validate your own feelings and emotions: ❣ Maintaining the status quo to keep the peace is not an option. Name your feelings, name your emotions without having to defend them. They just are because that is what you're experiencing.
🔥 Prioritize YOU time; passion projects, hobbies and interests: ❣ It took me several decades to learn that this is not being demanding. It's a necessity. It doesn't mean you're not acknowledging your partners' needs, because they too, are responsible for prioritizing their own needs - you are not the source of their accomplishments and entertainment.
🔥 Be willing to risk rejection for what is important to you: ❣ The happily-ever-after myth is exactly that, a myth. Autonomy respects the right to our opinions, values and perspectives - which includes the freedom to disagree, even if it means risking that rejection for what is important to you. You've heard it before; sometimes you have to agree to disagree, respectfully.
🔥 Learn how to embrace healthy conflict: ❣ We embrace healthy conflict by seeing differences of opinion as growth. Accepting that there will be times of challenge and conflict in your relationship helps to understand that it is not a bad thing. Growth mindset through difficulties means finding solutions and facing changes together.
~ Every relationship looks different so your goals and outcomes will be indicative of your personality and that of your partner. I'd be really interested to know how some of your goals might differ from those I've mentioned above. Drop me a comment to let me know.
~ Start a conversation with your partner today. Then, if you’re comfortable, share your findings so we can learn from each other.What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
May 6, 2021
Keep Your Connection Alive
NO SPARK STAYS ALIGHT WITHOUT EFFORT
Our Date Event for the year proved to be thoroughly worthwhile. James and I had bonded over new experiences and quality time alone, but that by no means meant we could sit back and watch our marriage continue to flourish all on its own.
Just as there is no perfect person out there, yes I’m talking to you, there is also no perfect relationship or marriage out there. If you consider for a moment, that essentially you are two strangers from different backgrounds with your own opinions, cultures and personality, so you are bound to disagree on some topics, which is to be expected. And if you’re not disagreeing some of the time, I would venture to say that one of you is sacrificing too much of yourself or possibly even being unnecessarily passive.
We should be playing to each others’ strengths not highlighting weaknesses, but building them up as best we know how.
Every day we are faced with situations that conjure up anger or irritation but the trick is to find ways to diffuse that wick – I’m not saying deny your anger, simply soften it to be less intense. Whether it be with an extra long hug, or agreeing to a little emotional ‘space’ or possibly even distracting yourselves with a walk or music or whatever it is that brings on your happy face. Then, when you’re in neutral territory/mental space, you can agree to have a mature discussion about your differences. This doesn’t always guarantee that one or the other will agree with each other, but it is okay to accept differences. In fact that is the cornerstone of all successful relationships –
Love the faults you fell in love with.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
April 29, 2021
Compromise is a Beautiful Thing
https://unsplash.com/@courtniebt13Our date on this occasion required compromise. Not usually a big problem in healthy relationships so it was little hardship to convince James to come with me to the Market. As we strolled around looking at this stall and that, he even showed interest in the items I was looking at.
A door stopper for one, which the ever practical man in him couldn't help but state, "I can fit one for you."
Well thank you dear, I thought, but I don't want a spoke sticking out of the skirting on the wall for the door to magnetize to, I would prefer a more aesthetically appealing one like this weighted anchor thanks. Instead, I concurred to have a look at other options.
In the end, James was happy for us to go back to the stall to buy the anchor door stop. Well wouldn't you know it? Nope, it wasn't sold, it was still sitting there waiting for me, but the vendor's Point of Sale device couldn't connect to the wifi signal and we didn't have any cash on us.
I had been given a beautiful opportunity by the universe to learn a little lesson here.
Karma was teaching me to compromise.
James had smiled outwardly while wandering aimlessly through the myriad market stalls, despite it not being his thing. Fortunately for us the market location was right on the beachfront so we ambled along the path, empty-handed, except for a robust cup of coffee, admiring the yachts moored on the marina and the dolphins frolicking in the waves.
Compromise leads to give and take; not always getting our own way; appreciating what others enjoy and/or value; putting consideration for someone else first. Whilst I knew that James doesn't ordinarily enjoy markets, I did know that the ocean is his happy place. With the beach right in front of the market I wagered that he could tolerate the market for a walk along the waters' edge.
I got a door stopper, James got the sea; it was the best of both worlds in my view.
Life doesn't always go our way and as trivial as this situation was, it showed me that alternatives to an expected outcome can be a good thing.
James and I found a solution that pleased both of us; both relishing in each others' happiness. Sometimes, making someone else happy also boosts your own happiness.
* Tell me, dear reader, have you ever had to compromise and then found yourself better off than you expected?
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
April 22, 2021
Love Yourself First
We're going to take a step back today with the important distinction that it is not a step backWARDS.
We're going to remind ourselves that without self-love our relationships suffer.
What does loving yourself mean to you?
In my experience, radical self-love is both internal and external. Earlier this week I'd had a bad nights' sleep and woke up feeling it. I recognised the need for a little 'me-lovin' so took myself out into the garden. Alas! There were roadworks out the front (I live in a cud-de-sac!) and a jackhammering neighbour out the back! No space for self reflection outdoors. So what did I do to show myself a bit of self-care? I wrapped myself up in bed.
My mindset was nowhere near ready for affirmations of self love so I simply listened to my breath.
After just a few minutes my focus turned inward. I noticed that I was well, I was loved and I was very fortunate to be wrapped up in bed. The switch was miniscule. I hardly noticed that my thoughts had changed until I started feeling relaxed.
With that, I chose to fill my belly with comfort foods; for me that is a spoonful of peanut butter and a cup of coffee. And I felt sufficiently content at that stage to cope with the noises of the outside world. The garden is usually my refuge, so back outside I went and this time, I actually integrated the hum of the jackhammer into my psyche - I started humming along with it. What else was there to do after all? I couldn't stop the noise so I internalised it.
This whole time, my husband, recognising my foul mood, had kept his distance but at this juncture, when he heard me humming, he joined me outside with a peace offering, a chocolate. And this is what he said, "Sweets for my sweet," my response..."sugar for my honey." And all equilibrium was restored.
The art of loving yourself is different for everyone so let's share our self care practices to help our community, our relationships and, most importantly, ourselves.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
