Elora Canne's Blog, page 11
November 25, 2021
Real Relationship Tips that Work!
https://unsplash.com/@k_yasserHere are my 5 tried and tested truth bombs that work!Listen with your eyes! Making and maintaining eye contact - without staring like a stalker! - shows your genuine interest and makes the person who is talking to you, feel heard and acknowledged. Make time for each other And make it meaningful. Instead of just going on a picnic, out for dinner or for a walk or hike, do something special to mark the occasion. Perhaps a quiet dance at home before dinner, or a favourite pillow/cushion for the picnic - get creative! This shows the other person that you truly want to be with them.Do something just for them To make someone feel valued, do something that you might not enjoy but you know they do. It could be a movie of their choice but not particularly your taste, or maybe cook/order their favourite meal even if you really felt like pizza! This let's them know that you've really thought about them.Be kind just because If your partner hates their feet being touched for goodness sake don't give them a foot rub! But if they love a shoulder massage, do that instead. Kindness begets kindness and if you're the one initiating random acts of kindness in your relationship, do so with love and it will be returned.Ask if they would like help If you see your partner struggling with something, ask first if they need help. That way you're not just jumping in and doing what you think needs doing or giving help that you think they need. Asking first, gives them the opportunity to decide if and what they would like help with. This gives them their power back to take control of a situation that might have been stressful.
A special blanket taken on an afternoon walk turns the ordinary into the extraordinary!
https://unsplash.com/@hannaholingerThese are all tips, tricks and strategies that I've used in my relationship with my husband and we are still going strong after 35 years of marriage. And by strong I mean our relationship is better than it ever was before.
Even better than the passionate younger days.
Now, we get to be our best selves in a secure, loved environment, feel loved, BE loved and loving of each other, flaws and faults included.
Do you have a favourite tip or relationship hack that works for you as a couple?Or perhaps you have some valuable advice that would help other struggling couples?
Share it below in the comments, be part of something huge! Let's start a relationship revolution!
Relax in the joy of knowing what it feels like to be loved
https://unsplash.com/@thefalsehenryIf you're interested in the scenic route we took to grow our relationship to where it is today, I have a quick-read ebook full of tips and ideas for date events that will make a real difference to your connection: Creating Sparks that Last
You can also take a deeper look at the evolution of our relationship from tempestuous teens to midlife love in my memoir, En Route - available for pre-order TODAY!
I can't wait to hear what tips and advice you have for your relationships -
together forever, better than before.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
November 18, 2021
Honour the Men in Your Life
International Men's Day is held annually on 19 November. It is an opportunity to celebrate men and boys in all their diversity. Many people also use the day to highlight some of the key social issues that men and boys around the world face. International Men's Day Info
Disclaimer: The following information is based on my opinion entirely and is not meant, in any way, to persuade the reader's rights to their own opinion. The celebration of the men in our lives DOES NOT INCLUDE abusive relationships. Please seek help if you are in an abusive situation: Global Link
Honoring the Men in Our LivesWe all start off in life with a male figure-head 'somewhere' in our lives. Some may not be present as father-figures but we are all conceived by both male and female interaction.
So what is it then, that determines our perception of the male presence around us?
Undoubtedly the direct attention of those in our daily lives, whether it be family, friends or colleagues affect our overall psyche to establish a pattern for future intimate relationships.
In my memoir, En Route, I discuss in detail, my relationships with the prominent males in my life. My husband being the main character as our story unravels from young love to mid-life love. As you can imagine, we have had to go through many transformations to keep up the the ever-changing landscape of our growth and maturity. Along with our various roles in career, parenthood and empty-nesters, the changing outlook through aging did a lot to metamorphose our relationship as well.
To pay tribute to my husband on International Men’s Day, I’m offering my ebook for free. Creating Sparks that Last showcases the progress of our emotional closeness and connection through 35 years of marriage.Available at this link
Sadly, four highly respected males that I've written about in my memoir have since passed, and only one of them received my manuscript in email format. I'm not even sure if he got to read it because it was just a few days later that he transcended.
Which is why I wanted to make sure I give tribute, TODAY, to all the males who have shaped me in some way, whether positively or seemingly negatively. We can either grow better or bitter from our experiences and I choose to grow better.
https://unsplash.com/@dj_jpegIf we want our men folk to open up to us we need to give them the right tools to learn to process their emotions in a healthy way.
I encourage you to listen to this 7 minute video by motivational speaker Leo Buscaglia on Taking Risks. He says, "The greatest risk in life is to risk nothing." Leo is closely aligned with his emotional awareness. He shares valuable ideas on the connections we make with others.
Primarily, my relationship with my Dad would have shaped my view initially, until I became my own person and formulated my own outlook. My unique variations of personality and traits ultimately shape who I am.
Other prominent males in my life have been many and varied, from my two sons, to my step-dads, grandfathers, uncles, honorary uncles, cousins, friends and siblings. Male colleagues played a role in my early working days but later I worked in the mostly-female environment of childcare.
I don't want to make generalizations here but I want to say that the psyche of men as a whole is an untapped resource of emotion with a LOT of misunderstandings along the way.
Traditionally, their role is one of provider and problem-solver, but more recently, men are being encouraged more and more to allow their emotions to be visible to the outside world; that it is not an ill-conceived notion of weakness to admit mental fatigue.
Men need to be given the opportunity to really explore the feel of their emotions and to experience the healing of going through the hurting of it.
Elora Canne
What can you do today, to honor the important male's in your life?
Your partner, sons, relatives, friends or colleagues.
Let them know how much they mean to you and maybe even highlight what it is you value about their character.
Let me know in the comments if you found this helpful
And if you're interested in reading about the prominent men in my life and how they shaped me, you can pre-order my memoir HERE in kindle format today, and print form in the next week, for release February 2022.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
November 11, 2021
What Makes You Happy?
Thank you for your patience while I made a huge move, relocating house, home, hearth and heart. As you can tell, this move was a big deal for me, moving far away from my family. This may seem counterintuitive to my happiness but the joy I have already found after just two weeks in my new home far outshines any shadow of sadness that might have been lingering.
https://unsplash.com/@taiscaptures5 Things Making Me Happy This Week
For that reason, I wanted to share with you the pleasures I have gained from setting up home in a far away place:
Finding new interests that excite ME:First off, the emphasis is on 'me' because without my own pleasures in life, I have very little joy to impart to others, whether intentionally or by exuding my vibe.
It's not necessarily big events or material possessions for me, it's the miniscule shift in awareness.
When I am attuned to my surroundings, the cognitive alertness of gratitude is heightened. When I say 'attuned to my surroundings', I mean noticing the tiny - the glint of sunshine on a dewy leaf; the whooshing sound of wind through the leaves or, more sensorial, the feel of the chill water tickling my toes.
You see, we've moved to a coastal village and, although forests and trees are my sanctuary, I am finding new experiences that bring peace to my inner being. New experiences in surroundings I am not customarily comfortable in - paddle boarding, sand-in-toes beach walks and ice cold ocean waves. But these are stimulating my appreciation for the unknown and undiscovered secrets of new life.
I've spoken of the sanctity I find amongst trees quite a bit in my memoir, En Route, and it’s just opened for preorder at this link! Release date February 2022.
2. Witnessing the deep satisfaction of seeing my husband thrive:I was really surprised at how deep a feeling of satisfaction I got after seeing the pleasure in my husband as he enjoyed the activities that bring him contentment. I'm not a fan of boating or fishing but he is, and accompanying him gave me the gift of appreciating his joy.
There have been a couple of experiences where this has happened in our relationship before, I've written about them here and have been just as surprised to discover them then, as I was now.
Living on the water has always been my husband's dream for as long as we've been together. I've known this from day 1. In fact, an interesting take on manifesting one's life is that, as a school girl before I met my husband, I told my friends that I wanted a man who enjoyed water sports! Strange, as I'm more forest than ocean loving. But when I met him, we enjoyed going to the beach and water-skiing just about every weekend. Now we're back to living the life we both imagined living!
3.The sweetness in anticipating family visits:The build-up to expecting family for a visit is made all the more celebratory with the plans we make to create happy memories.
Memories don't just happen.
Planning for them, makes them happen.
And it's in the planning that we get to anticipate the joy of happy times together. Our first visitor was our youngest son and our second visitors were our oldest son and his family. Both visits required different outcomes. Both visits were highly anticipated by my husband and I as we carved out experiences that we thought each of them might enjoy. This delighted us as much as it delighted them to engage in experiences they couldn't participate in at home.
4. Re-Inventing a new life, meeting new friends and neighbours:Research shows that the cells in our body renew themselves entirely, every 7-10 years.
https://www.science.howstuffworks.com Has a great explanation under the heading:Know yourself; love yourself; be true to yourself - read more at the link below or read the brief summary next.
Cell regeneration
What Frisen found is that the body's cells largely replace themselves every 7 to 10 years. In other words, old cells mostly die and are replaced by new ones during this time span. The cell renewal process happens more quickly in certain parts of the body, but head-to-toe rejuvenation can take up to a decade or so.
That means a new physical vessel for us a good few times over the longevity of our lives. So why not new character-casting as well? Now don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about shallow pretense of someone we are not, I'm talking about selecting experiences, friends and goals in alignment with new expectations for our new lives.
What new endeavours would you pursue if you didn't put any limitations on yourself?
https://unsplash.com/@basglaap5. De-cluttering - Fresh Outlook; Letting Go:Confession: I am a hoarder! Not the obsessive unhealthy type but WOW, do I hold onto stuff!
Why? I had to ask myself this repeatedly. And not just while I was packing up at our old home, but unpacking in our new home too.
And I came across a truth, a discovery which I think might apply to a lot of us.
It's not so much the stuff that we want to hold onto, as much as the memories that the stuff brings. I know this to be true of a coffee mug I was keeping - not even my mug! It belonged to my son which he bought on a trip overseas - I was nowhere near at the time because he was a young adult traveling with friends. I WASN'T EVEN PRESENT WHEN HE BOUGHT THE COFFEE MUG! Yet I wanted to keep it because of a funny travel story he told us relating to the infamous mug. Why? I ask again. Because, as his mother, I wanted to experience every facet of his life. I didn't want to let go of the fact that he is my baby. And so I realised that it was time for me to let go. To let go of outdated thought patterns, material possessions that no longer inspire admiration and a lifestyle that no longer suits my new outlook.
I trust you've enjoyed our little sojourn and are inspired to re-evaluate your priorities in a brand new way of life.
💬 I thrive on being inspired by other people’s feel good stories so let's start a conversation in the comments and share our newfound inspiration with each other.
Recap:I do hope you enjoyed the fresh perspective of each of our Guest Bloggers over the last 5 weeks. Let me know in the comments what you enjoyed about their articles and I'll be sure to give them your feedback.
ICYMI Here are the respective links to each article:
Gentle Loving Kindness by Janice Melmed
Healing Through Life's Jagged Edges by Maria Palmer
Couples, Communication, and our Stories by Kate Jiggins
Attachment Theory and Your Relationships by Kristy Riggal
The Importance of Self-Care by Jessica Ruiz
Remember to subscribe so you don't miss out on our life hacks and relationship tips each week.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
November 3, 2021
The Importance of Self-Care
[I invite you to take in the information below and apply it to your daily self-care routine as set out by our Guest Blogger Jessica Ruiz]
Javier Allegue Barros via Unsplash
If we don’t take good care of ourselves, who will?
Self-care is very important. We are sometimes so busy taking care of others that we forget to take care of ourselves.
dancing.
I love to dance and I love music.
Dancing is a fun way to exercise. Don’t get me
wrong, I know that things happen, and it
is hard to exercise, but you also need to take care
of your health. It's important to find an exercise
routine that suits your health needs.
read books. I have books that I still need to read.
I know we can be busy, but we also
need to spend time with family and friends.
Spending time with family and friends by
going out and going to the park. Especially in
these times we need to be grateful for the
simple things in life.
but I try not to eat too much junk food. Drink
water. Try to drink less soda.
For example: I love chocolate and will eat
chocolate twice a week.
Soda- I will only drink soda when I go out to eat.
Junk food-I love potato chips. I try to eat a small
bag once or twice a week.
(Disclaimer: Always consult your health care
provider before making changes to your nutrition
plan).
love to journal. I started journaling during the
4th grade. I remember my teacher
introduced us to journaling. Journaling helps to
express yourself with words. Others
express themselves through art.
Some people draw or paint. My talent would be
journaling and writing.
We hope you have found this information to be useful and would love to hear how you implement Jessica's ideas and suggestions. For more information and to read her inspiring work, simply click on the links below:
Latina Relationship Coach Website
October 27, 2021
Attachment Theory and Your Relationships
[I invite you to sit back, relax and take in the extraordinary information that our Guest Blogger, Human Behaviour and Social Change Expert, Kristy Riggal, has written.]
Relationships have evolved a lot since the 50’s and 60’s. Divorce rates are skyrocketing, as is the epidemic of anxiety and depression. I have dedicated the better part of the last 7 years + of my life to understand the why, through field research and my education. Here is a morsel of what I know to be true and factual.
https://unsplash.com/@tylernixcreativeDid you know the first 10 years of your childhood development set you up for your adulthood and how you show up in your adult relationships? There are actually 5 peak waves that shape and mould you before the age of 18/19 years of age.
The child brain doesn’t fully develop and is largely ‘unconscious’ until around the age of 8-10 and continues to develop into your 20’s. Those first 10 years are crucial, as a child relies solely on the conscious parent to ‘teach them how to live life on life’s terms’.
It teaches you how to relate to people in adulthood, readying you for ‘consciousness’. Unless your parent is still ‘unconscious’ due to their own childhood wounds. Stuck in a perpetual cycle of what I call an adult child parenting a child. This is detrimental to childhood development and your adult relationships.
Below is an example of what I would call an extreme form of an unconscious parent/child dynamic.
A 45-year-old man, admitted for overdose due to a narcotics addiction. He would often call his weary mother crying “Mummy they’re being mean to me.” He was clearly in a lot of emotional pain. Addiction (a broader subject) is bred primarily from emotional trauma, often within those first 10 years.
His mother’s response? Nothing. She didn’t come to see him, probably because of frustration.
However, I could intuitively see, the relationship between this man and his mother was clearly disconnected. The behaviour outwardly was really a mere symptom of unhealed emotional trauma and pain.
The parent/child dynamic often breeds rejection and abandonment wounds when the below specific things happen.
https://unsplash.com/@jr_morannnHow a rejection wound manifests itself in adulthood
Men and women who have had disconnected, avoidant, anxious and depressed caregivers will often in adulthood unconsciously seek disconnected, avoidant anxious partners. To reinforce the childhood belief “I’m not loveable”, “I’m unworthy of being loved in a healthy way, I don’t know how to receive love in a healthy way”, “please keep proving to me that I am unlovable and unworthy of healthy loving connections, this is how I stay connected to my primary caregivers’ emotional pain, I want to fix it for them so they can love me the way I need.”
“I don’t deserve,” is the common inner belief system along with a world of unmet desires and needs.
The convex of the rejection wound is the Abandonment Wound.
Abandonment wounds often occur when the primary caregiver is not as freely available to the child. Ie. Death of a parent, divorce, mum going to work full time, Dad ‘never being around’. Often leading to one or both of the parents reeling in guilt and over-compensating by over giving through outward sources. Cotton-wooling the child and giving everything to the child they didn’t have. “Here, this is how I will show my love to you.” Toys, holidays, things, excessive availability.
The belief system then becomes for the child, “I deserve everything” and entitlement. You have taught me I MUST be loved in this way and if you don’t, my outward behaviour will show you exactly how deeply unhappy I really am. Domestic violence can often occur when a person has a deep abandonment wound.
https://unsplash.com/@butenkovph
There is a real difference in protecting your child and over protecting. Teaching healthy boundaries is SO crucial in early life as is balance into guided independence, to make mistakes and/or deal with tough situations like death, divorce, house fire, death of a pet.
Holding space for a child is crucial in their development. But suffocating them or under nurturing does them a disservice in learning about themselves.
There are also three other kinds of childhood wounds which I won’t go further into, but they may resonate with you.The wound of betrayal = need for control
The wound of humiliation = need to comply with the pack and to ‘fit in’
The wound of injustice = becoming socially and environmentally rigid in the way you act, behave and appear to the world. This is to help reduce the betrayal and humiliation wounds.
Intergenerational emotional trauma exists on a micro and macro trauma level. Unhealed emotional trauma has been medically proven to cause addiction and a plethora of other health issues. Yet the brain CAN heal and so can you and your relationships. It first starts with understanding yourself and your own needs, knowing how to ask for them to be met and trusting your needs can and will be met in adulthood. You just need the safe space to learn and lean into it with the right kinds of support systems to re-find your voice.
Delving into your childhood is not a slaying or blaming contest, it is merely a fact-finding mission to understand why you are the way you are in life and in relationships. When you understand yourself on a deeper level you can then have compassion for others on a deeper level and your relationships will flourish.
You can find more of Kristy's work at the following links:
Let us know in the comments if this article resonated with you.
October 19, 2021
Couples, Communication, and our Stories
[I invite you to sit quietly, read and contemplate this resonant article by Guest Blogger Kate Jiggins]
At this point in my life, I have two “jobs.” Job number one is a people helper. A listener. A psychotherapist. I have been sitting with people – witnessing their stories – for close to 20-years. Yikes! Sometimes it feels like I am just out of graduate school. Like a new puppy. Wide eyed. Enthusiastic.
Image credit Canva
My other “job”? I write. I tell stories about real life. Real people. Real struggles. Real triumph. Real inspiration. Stories that connect, support – hopefully inspire people to push themselves - explore what’s on the other side of that unhelpful conditioning. Limiting beliefs. Crappy stories. Those re-runs that keep us stuck.
Overtime, in my personal work, and my time with couples, I am beginning to see – more importantly understand - the power of story. Mine. Yours. Theirs. Others. It’s true, we all have unique stories. However, the big question is - how cognizant are we about the themes of our stories – especially in the context of intimate relationships?
Our stories: A deeper dive
Undeniably, storytelling is an integral part of what it means to be human. For millennia - through voice, gesture, dance, poems – myths, tales, lessons, learnings, and legends have been passed down through the generations. It is no surprise, consciously or unconsciously – stories are a part of our DNA.
In general, our stories are created, held, and recalled on two levels. In my work with people, I refer to this as Level I and Level II story. Level I story lives in the frontal cortex. Basically, the newest part of the brain just behind the forehead. Imagine a library. These are the books we can easily access. Flip through. Browse. Put back. Re-access as needed.
https://unsplash.com/@directedbylinaThis is also where we complete tasks like linear thinking, planning, and organizing. We create and hold thoughts here. This is where thoughts become story. Narratives about the past – what was: “I should have…” thinking. Stories about the future: “What could happen…” thoughts.
Interestingly, we are not particularly good with present – real time stories. With here and now content such as, “I’m fine. You're fine. We’re fine.” This is due to - negative bias – a deeply wired, unconscious survival strategy (…another article for another day).
So, what about Level II story?
Level II story is the stuff way under the hood. Level II stories swirl around, deep below the surface of mental thought chatter. In the back of the brain. Out of Level I awareness. These stories show up in the body/mind as images, feelings, and sensations.
Powerful and impactful. These are the narratives that are truly running the show. These out-of-sight, yet very much alive - stories - are shaped by countless events. Timeless. Complex.
For couples, the importance of really seeing our – under-the-surface - Level II stories is vital.
Why? Because stories -generally someone else’s – have, over time, become a truth. Our truth. A truth that shapes the way we see the world, our relationships - each other.
These stories influence how we love, communicate, and respond. Our internal narratives also influence what we believe about ourselves – and our loved ones. How we behave, and the choices we make. Pause for a second. Let that sink in…
I really want you to hear this. I repeat… our stories - generally someone else’s - become our truth. This truth influences the way we see the world. Determining how we show-up. What we believe – about ourselves – and others. How we react, love, and communicate.
Powerful. Right?
https://unsplash.com/@lndtxphotoWhen we start uncovering, understanding, and seeing our Level II stories. The narratives we have internalized – automatic, unquestioned, unexamined - as simply story vs. truth. As fact. The way it must be. Or luck. Or a gazillion other words we use to justify and rationalize our reactions - it’s a game changer.
I would like to suggest an exercise and give you a couple of tips.
Imagine
Maybe, for a moment, you can imagine, the incredibly powerful effect – positive and negative - our Level II stories can have on our intimate relationships. To illustrate here is an exercise for you to try.
Take a moment to reflect on the last time you were aware of an overreaction. An emotional response that, on reflection, seemed larger than the event called for. Your reaction clearly didn’t fit the crime (…always a clue). Maybe an argument with a significant other? Last-minute changes in plans? Maybe an unexpected disappointment?
Take a breath. Bring the image/memory/event up into your mind’s eye. Begin to replay the movie. Slowly. Frame by frame. Try to keep that Level I - thinking/judgment – off, away to the side. Drop into the body. Connect with the images as much as possible. Imagine watching a movie with the sound off. How’s it going?
Now try the following.
Step 1: Gently. See if you can notice
What is happening in your body? Sensations? Hot? Cold? Tightness? Tension?
What feelings are you connecting with? Anger? Sadness? Fear? Rejection?
Where do you feel this in the body? Chest? Stomach? Jaw? Head?
Now, without judgement – notice any other information that may arise.
Step 2: With curiosity inquire
What is this about for me?
Have I felt this before? When? Where? Who? How old?
Step 3: With buckets of compassion - see if you can connect with any story fragments this memory holds
What do you notice?
How old?
Who was there?
What happened?
What did you learn back then? (This is important. This is the old story)
Step 4: Reflection – ask yourself
Is this story true for me today – relevant in this current situation?
Does this story still fit me - here as an adult in 2021?
How would I like to change/rewrite this old story?
What would I prefer my present-day truth be?
How would I prefer to respond – present day – when X happens again?
These are powerful exercises. Although, these steps don’t take long - allow yourself enough time. Space. Grace. Maybe some tea? Tissues. Also, a notebook by your side can be helpful.
If you find these steps really stir the waters. It’s okay. Simply stop. Take some breaths. Switch gears. Connect with something more pleasant. Take a walk. Take a warm bath. Talk to a trusted friend, partner, or therapist.
Practical tips for you and your partner
What are some clues – signs - that unhelpful – Level II story – might be coming-up in your intimate relationships?
Look for – blaming, judging, criticizing – feelings/language/behaviors. You always! You never! – are common examples.
Feeling personally - blamed, judged, criticized, or defensive – can also be a sign. I can never say anything! “It’s always my fault! – can be helpful clues.
Intense physical sensations/feelings/reactions that – on reflection – seem too big for the event. For instance, if you are exploding or feeling devastated when your loved one forgets to pick-up milk – there might be some Level II story lurking somewhere. This is ripe for self-exploration, reflection, and discussion.
https://unsplash.com/@calebekerothRel... and mountainsHave you ever summited a mountain? There’s the long, hard climb. Finally, you reach the summit. The clouds part. The sun peeks through revealing a breathtaking view. You sit still - in absolute awe. On a clear day you can see for miles and miles and miles. Simple. Clear. True.
At times, even the best relationships can sometimes feel like we are summiting Everest. Twists. Turns. Rocks. Roots. Surprises. Personally, I think relationships are one of the hardest and – most rewarding - things we will ever do. Parenting is up there too…
When we start to see, own, and re-craft our unexamined stories the fog begins to clear. This creates space for listening, hearing, and responding with knowledge and self-understanding. Clear. Simple. True.
Now that we are awake in our relationships. We can begin to respond to our loved ones with awareness, wisdom, and insight. In time, communication becomes guided by our present-day narrative as opposed to a version of an outdated story from the past.
If we can begin to rewrite our own epic sagas and leave them where they belong – in the past, we can begin to see ourselves - and our loved ones - as wonderful imperfect humans.
Until next time…
Kate Champion is a personal growth writer, psychotherapist, runner, and backpacker. Kate is obsessed with real people with inspiring stories -who are beating the odds – determined to live their best lives. Author of Never Too Late. Inspiration, Motivation, and Sage Advice from 7 Later-in-Life athletes. Kate uses words to connect, support, and build community.
You can connect with Kate at: https://katechampionauthor.com/
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
October 14, 2021
Healing Through Life's Jagged Edges
https://unsplash.com/@mscheid
I invite you to read our inspiring article on the formative relationship between parent and child by Guest Blogger: Maria C. Palmer
I was a recent college graduate, who like many twenty-somethings had no clue what path my life would take. I was floundering. My feet were planted in two worlds I was creating a new life in the land of dreams in Los Angeles, CA, all while keeping secret my life back home in Pittsburgh, P.A., where my father was unexpectedly incarcerated.
I found acceptance and purpose in a charity started by a drinking, smoking, swearing, gambling Catholic nun, who was much too fashionable to be caught dead in a habit. Get On The Bus brought children to visit their mothers and fathers in California state prisons. As Sister Suzanne passionately reminded anybody who would listen, “This program has nothing to do with the parents, and it is all about the children. Children are the silent victims of crime. They didn’t do anything wrong, but suddenly their essential bond with their parent was broken, and due to other circumstances surrounding the prison complex, they may never know when they will see that parent again. This is why Get On The Bus exists. Children have a right to see, touch and talk to their incarcerated parent.” Sister Suzanne recognized my connection and passion and tapped me to run Get On The Bus as Program Director.
https://unsplash.com/@nate_dumlaoIn charge of the entire program, I worked with the children and their caregivers, an army of volunteers, and the prisons themselves to bring thousands of children to visit their incarcerated parents. Through the child-parent relationships forged during these visits, I saw first-hand how the children in this program gained confidence, became more emotionally stable, and stayed out of trouble. Children who kept a relationship with their incarcerated parents were much more likely to stay on the right side of the law and stay out of prison than those who did not have this bond. There was even a change in the incarcerated parents, and the jails in general. Leading up to the visits, and for a period afterwards, wardens noticed better behavior and a friendlier atmosphere among all inmates, both those part of the program and those not. I was truly changing the world for the better.
Maria Costanzo Palmer is a well-known force in the nonprofit world. She has worked on both coasts for organizations that give voice and equity to the marginalized members of society.
She and her former high school teacher, Ruthie Robbins, co-wrote the 2021 Page Turner Finalist unpublished manuscript On the Rocks (currently on submission), a narrative nonfiction story.
On the Rocks chronicles the journey of her father restaurateur personality, Joseph Costanzo, Jr., in his rise to success in the 1990's as owner of the highly acclaimed Primadonna Restaurant, radio host, columnist, and aspiring politician through his sharp fall, ending in an investigation and a stint in federal prison in the early 2000's.
For more information and stories from Maria C. Palmer, please visit her at mariacpalmer.com
She can also be found on Twitter, Instagram and FacebookWhat would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
September 30, 2021
Gentle Loving Kindness
Reviving a Lost Art
Image credit Jill Wellington courtesy of Pexels
[I invite you to read this thought-provoking article on self-reflection by guest blogger Janice Melmed]
I’ve been feeling quite overwhelmed lately. There has been so much going on in my life and I have felt pulled in so many directions at once. Distracted and not fully present, I reversed my car into a lamp post and jarred to a stop. I drove carefully home and I finally pressed pause on the chaos. I sat down and for a few moments I tuned into my body and I asked myself what I needed. Never mind what everyone else who I was giving my energy to needed, what did I need? I was surprised when the answer came back as gentle loving kindness. I decided to explore that a little deeper and to really understand what it was I was craving. Closing my eyes, I focused on my breathing, and once I was still, I allowed my senses to explore the words.
Gentleness brought images to mind of soft pastel colours, the sounds of tinkling music, sunlight filtering though trees, a softness like downy feathers, and my shoulders released and relaxed. Loving felt more like bright orange leaves in the autumn, dramatic tango music, blood red roses, feelings of intense heat from a roaring fire, and the pit of my stomach tingled with a frisson of excitement. Kindness was all greens and blues, with music that sounded like the ocean waves, springs of gently bubbling water flowing over rocks, the warmth one feels when snuggled under a duvet cover on a cold winter’s morning, and my body felt still. But when I strung those three words together as ‘gentle loving kindness’ I saw in my mind’s eye an endless comforting blackness with tinges of the softest pink, the music was meditative and peaceful, fields of yellow canola flowers stretched as far as my eyes could see, and my entire body softened and unfurled like the tender green shoots of a tree fern. I felt completely safe and nurtured. Such is the power of words. It’s been a long while since I’ve taken the time to engage with my senses and allow my body to tell me what it needs. I realised I have been so very busy taking care of everything and everyone else that there wasn’t a drop of gentleness in my own existence, I wasn’t being loving towards my own body, and I was being very far from kind to myself. I had lost the art of living with gentle loving kindness.
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How do we lose this art? We became overly busy. We became focused on the doingpart of life and we relinquish the space for simply being. In today’s fast paced world, people are moving at such a rapid rate, constantly chasing the next goal, the next opportunity, growing and reaching, striving, pushing, checking, balancing, following, or leading, judging, or ignoring… and seldom do we stop and simply be in the exact moment we are in with nothing else on our hearts other than to experience the beauty of the moment. Mental health issues are escalating, small children start school already beset by anxiety disorders, depression is rife and tensions are high. We are living out of resonance with our natural state, we have abandoned the principles of gentle loving kindness. It seems trite to say we are human beings and not human doings, but I feel there is definitely something there to be considered.
We push ourselves to the limit and if we find we are tired we drive ourselves even harder. We step over one another to get ahead, and we focus on goals and achievements rather than the journey and the joy. The divorce rate is shamefully high, and we appear to have lost the ability to love ourselves, never mind one another as we compete and divide and separate, needing more to be right than to be together. We have become too busy to show kindness to strangers or more importantly to ourselves. We drive ourselves harder and harder and we compensate when our bodies try to tell us something is wrong. We take medicines to subdue and hide symptoms that should never be ignored and we stop listening to our intuitive self. Under the relentless onslaught of demands we place on ourselves, eventually things begin to go wrong. Stress, injury, illness, and suffering become our reality and when we eventually crash our car into a pole, we cry out in despair, “Why did this happen to me?”
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Take an honest look at your life and ask yourself if you are living gently, lovingly, or kindly. Try to think back to if you have ever lived that way, or when last you did live your life by the principles of gentle loving kindness. When last did you truly prioritise your own wellbeing, the wellbeing of your family, friends, neighbours, and perhaps even total strangers. When last did you offer a helping hand to someone in need, or help an elderly lady cross a busy road. When was the last time you considered the environment, your carbon footprint? When last did you stop in your unending busyness to smell the air after a summers rain, or notice the nest filled with chirruping baby birds in the tree outside your home. When last did you notice that there are soft green leaves pushing through the cracks in the road, and thrill at the strength and determination of the plant trying to make its way to the sun. When was the last time you hugged your children, or lay on the grass and looked up at the clouds holding hands with your loved one? Have you ever looked around you at the massive skyscrapers reaching for the sky and marvelled at how, what began as an idea in someone’s mind, was slowly developed and coaxed to reality through the labours of many people. Do you take the time to appreciate architecture and the careful juxtaposition of the different elements with the surrounding buildings and landscapes so that they enhance one another and create beauty in spite of their unnatural existence? Or have you been too busy driving yourself to achieve without taking any time to cultivate a balanced life?
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Tune In To Your Senses
How about if tomorrow you wake a little earlier, just five minutes, and instead of reaching for your mobile devices and launching yourself into the onslaught of information, frantically scanning in case you might have missed something in the night, you just lie there with your eyes closed.
Feel the heavy warmth of the bed covers, the softness of the fabric of your pyjamas. Feel the skin on your feet and say hello to your toes. If you have a partner then become aware of the soft rhythm of their breathing, or perhaps smile as they snore and grunt in their sleep. Tune into the environment of your room and taste the air with your nose. The residue of yesterday’s perfume on the clothes you discarded at bedtime. The comforting smell of fabric softener on your linen and the accompany joy of knowing you’ve slept in freshly laundered sheets. Let your ears tune into the surrounding world, the birds, perhaps the sound of the wind, passing traffic, maybe someone else is stirring in the home. Then gently and slowly stretch out your body. Breathing deeply, allowing the ripples of movement to spread from the bottom of your feet, right up through each muscle and limb to the top of your head. Raise your arms slowly above your head and stretch fully and luxuriously.Release your breath and then softly open your eyelids and allow your vision to swim into focus. Take a moment to notice the room you are in. Pause and remember the moment that photograph on your dresser was taken. Pull the memory to the fore and allow your heart to expand as it recalls the details, the excitement, the joy of the moment that was worthy of photographing. And then swing your legs over the side of the bed and sit up. Be amazed at how easily your body functions, or perhaps be grateful that you are still able to get up unaided. Those precious few minutes where you slowly engaged all of your senses, allowing yourself to emerge from the cocoon of sleep gently, lovingly, kindly, sets the tone for the day ahead. You can still live a full and busy life, but if you can mindfully begin to press pause in between moments, just long enough to engage your senses, and fully appreciate the moment by playing with the imagery in your mind, that simple act will begin to bring balance to your life. You will engage the incredible power of gentle loving kindness and your life will flourish as a result.
©Janice Melmed
~ Thank you for this beautifully written work on self-reflection Janice.
~ You can read more of Janice's thought-provoking work at the link HERE
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.September 23, 2021
Your Tone Matters
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As I have traversed through this maze of uncertainty, blindly forging my way ahead without being able to see the way forward, I found many forms of growth and awakening processes along the way.
En Route: The best is yet to be by Elora Canne
As I have matured and supposedly wizened up and been open to the teachings of the universe, it has dawned on me that maxims such as ‘treat others like you want to be treated’ cannot be directly translated, just like many foreign languages cannot be directly translated.
🙊
Treat others like you want to be treated actually works by default. For example, although in my mid-adult years I have focused on being very literal and positive with my words (mostly) when speaking with other people, this certainly does not always come back to me directly, but in a roundabout way instead.🙉Say what you mean and mean what you say – with love. This has been my motto for many years but it has taken me 50 odd years of orbiting the sun, to establish that when I am being my authentic self I am reflecting that back to another person – their response to me is their authenticity – and they do not always match up.🙈It’s not an ‘instant fix. My sensitivity and willingness to talk kindly, slowly brings about an awareness in others (mostly) as they too realize that treating others like they would like to be treated has cause-and-effect ramifications. If their response is agitated, emotional or animated, it affects the mutual outcome. And so, really, treating others as you want to be treated actually does work, not only in conversations but in our actions too. It just took a lot longer for me to understand that the process has to ‘fit’ the other person’s psyche in order to create shared reciprocity.Perhaps you're wondering how this relates directly to relationships?Do you feel ignored, unheard, not listened to?Deep conversation is my number 1 top tip:➤ If you want your partners attention, make it known: use their name; choose a quiet moment.
➤ Find a neutral space, whether outdoors, in a cafe or your backyard away from household distractions.
➤ Make eye contact.
Now you're ready for a conversation where you'll be heard, acknowledged and listened to.
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What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
September 19, 2021
Surprise!
I wanted to let you know first that I'm sending out invitations to my blog family to join my Launch Team Enthusiasts.
You'll receive an email from me soon and I didn't want it to get swallowed up in your junk mail.
Please look out for it. The subject line is my name, Elora Canne - Creating Sparks that Last blog.
I can't wait to hear from you.
Have a fabulous week.
Let's do this!
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
