Elora Canne's Blog, page 11
October 27, 2021
Attachment Theory and Your Relationships
[I invite you to sit back, relax and take in the extraordinary information that our Guest Blogger, Human Behaviour and Social Change Expert, Kristy Riggal, has written.]
Relationships have evolved a lot since the 50’s and 60’s. Divorce rates are skyrocketing, as is the epidemic of anxiety and depression. I have dedicated the better part of the last 7 years + of my life to understand the why, through field research and my education. Here is a morsel of what I know to be true and factual.
https://unsplash.com/@tylernixcreativeDid you know the first 10 years of your childhood development set you up for your adulthood and how you show up in your adult relationships? There are actually 5 peak waves that shape and mould you before the age of 18/19 years of age.
The child brain doesn’t fully develop and is largely ‘unconscious’ until around the age of 8-10 and continues to develop into your 20’s. Those first 10 years are crucial, as a child relies solely on the conscious parent to ‘teach them how to live life on life’s terms’.
It teaches you how to relate to people in adulthood, readying you for ‘consciousness’. Unless your parent is still ‘unconscious’ due to their own childhood wounds. Stuck in a perpetual cycle of what I call an adult child parenting a child. This is detrimental to childhood development and your adult relationships.
Below is an example of what I would call an extreme form of an unconscious parent/child dynamic.
A 45-year-old man, admitted for overdose due to a narcotics addiction. He would often call his weary mother crying “Mummy they’re being mean to me.” He was clearly in a lot of emotional pain. Addiction (a broader subject) is bred primarily from emotional trauma, often within those first 10 years.
His mother’s response? Nothing. She didn’t come to see him, probably because of frustration.
However, I could intuitively see, the relationship between this man and his mother was clearly disconnected. The behaviour outwardly was really a mere symptom of unhealed emotional trauma and pain.
The parent/child dynamic often breeds rejection and abandonment wounds when the below specific things happen.
https://unsplash.com/@jr_morannnHow a rejection wound manifests itself in adulthood
Men and women who have had disconnected, avoidant, anxious and depressed caregivers will often in adulthood unconsciously seek disconnected, avoidant anxious partners. To reinforce the childhood belief “I’m not loveable”, “I’m unworthy of being loved in a healthy way, I don’t know how to receive love in a healthy way”, “please keep proving to me that I am unlovable and unworthy of healthy loving connections, this is how I stay connected to my primary caregivers’ emotional pain, I want to fix it for them so they can love me the way I need.”
“I don’t deserve,” is the common inner belief system along with a world of unmet desires and needs.
The convex of the rejection wound is the Abandonment Wound.
Abandonment wounds often occur when the primary caregiver is not as freely available to the child. Ie. Death of a parent, divorce, mum going to work full time, Dad ‘never being around’. Often leading to one or both of the parents reeling in guilt and over-compensating by over giving through outward sources. Cotton-wooling the child and giving everything to the child they didn’t have. “Here, this is how I will show my love to you.” Toys, holidays, things, excessive availability.
The belief system then becomes for the child, “I deserve everything” and entitlement. You have taught me I MUST be loved in this way and if you don’t, my outward behaviour will show you exactly how deeply unhappy I really am. Domestic violence can often occur when a person has a deep abandonment wound.
https://unsplash.com/@butenkovph
There is a real difference in protecting your child and over protecting. Teaching healthy boundaries is SO crucial in early life as is balance into guided independence, to make mistakes and/or deal with tough situations like death, divorce, house fire, death of a pet.
Holding space for a child is crucial in their development. But suffocating them or under nurturing does them a disservice in learning about themselves.
There are also three other kinds of childhood wounds which I won’t go further into, but they may resonate with you.The wound of betrayal = need for control
The wound of humiliation = need to comply with the pack and to ‘fit in’
The wound of injustice = becoming socially and environmentally rigid in the way you act, behave and appear to the world. This is to help reduce the betrayal and humiliation wounds.
Intergenerational emotional trauma exists on a micro and macro trauma level. Unhealed emotional trauma has been medically proven to cause addiction and a plethora of other health issues. Yet the brain CAN heal and so can you and your relationships. It first starts with understanding yourself and your own needs, knowing how to ask for them to be met and trusting your needs can and will be met in adulthood. You just need the safe space to learn and lean into it with the right kinds of support systems to re-find your voice.
Delving into your childhood is not a slaying or blaming contest, it is merely a fact-finding mission to understand why you are the way you are in life and in relationships. When you understand yourself on a deeper level you can then have compassion for others on a deeper level and your relationships will flourish.
You can find more of Kristy's work at the following links:
Let us know in the comments if this article resonated with you.
October 19, 2021
Couples, Communication, and our Stories
[I invite you to sit quietly, read and contemplate this resonant article by Guest Blogger Kate Jiggins]
At this point in my life, I have two “jobs.” Job number one is a people helper. A listener. A psychotherapist. I have been sitting with people – witnessing their stories – for close to 20-years. Yikes! Sometimes it feels like I am just out of graduate school. Like a new puppy. Wide eyed. Enthusiastic.
Image credit Canva
My other “job”? I write. I tell stories about real life. Real people. Real struggles. Real triumph. Real inspiration. Stories that connect, support – hopefully inspire people to push themselves - explore what’s on the other side of that unhelpful conditioning. Limiting beliefs. Crappy stories. Those re-runs that keep us stuck.
Overtime, in my personal work, and my time with couples, I am beginning to see – more importantly understand - the power of story. Mine. Yours. Theirs. Others. It’s true, we all have unique stories. However, the big question is - how cognizant are we about the themes of our stories – especially in the context of intimate relationships?
Our stories: A deeper dive
Undeniably, storytelling is an integral part of what it means to be human. For millennia - through voice, gesture, dance, poems – myths, tales, lessons, learnings, and legends have been passed down through the generations. It is no surprise, consciously or unconsciously – stories are a part of our DNA.
In general, our stories are created, held, and recalled on two levels. In my work with people, I refer to this as Level I and Level II story. Level I story lives in the frontal cortex. Basically, the newest part of the brain just behind the forehead. Imagine a library. These are the books we can easily access. Flip through. Browse. Put back. Re-access as needed.
https://unsplash.com/@directedbylinaThis is also where we complete tasks like linear thinking, planning, and organizing. We create and hold thoughts here. This is where thoughts become story. Narratives about the past – what was: “I should have…” thinking. Stories about the future: “What could happen…” thoughts.
Interestingly, we are not particularly good with present – real time stories. With here and now content such as, “I’m fine. You're fine. We’re fine.” This is due to - negative bias – a deeply wired, unconscious survival strategy (…another article for another day).
So, what about Level II story?
Level II story is the stuff way under the hood. Level II stories swirl around, deep below the surface of mental thought chatter. In the back of the brain. Out of Level I awareness. These stories show up in the body/mind as images, feelings, and sensations.
Powerful and impactful. These are the narratives that are truly running the show. These out-of-sight, yet very much alive - stories - are shaped by countless events. Timeless. Complex.
For couples, the importance of really seeing our – under-the-surface - Level II stories is vital.
Why? Because stories -generally someone else’s – have, over time, become a truth. Our truth. A truth that shapes the way we see the world, our relationships - each other.
These stories influence how we love, communicate, and respond. Our internal narratives also influence what we believe about ourselves – and our loved ones. How we behave, and the choices we make. Pause for a second. Let that sink in…
I really want you to hear this. I repeat… our stories - generally someone else’s - become our truth. This truth influences the way we see the world. Determining how we show-up. What we believe – about ourselves – and others. How we react, love, and communicate.
Powerful. Right?
https://unsplash.com/@lndtxphotoWhen we start uncovering, understanding, and seeing our Level II stories. The narratives we have internalized – automatic, unquestioned, unexamined - as simply story vs. truth. As fact. The way it must be. Or luck. Or a gazillion other words we use to justify and rationalize our reactions - it’s a game changer.
I would like to suggest an exercise and give you a couple of tips.
Imagine
Maybe, for a moment, you can imagine, the incredibly powerful effect – positive and negative - our Level II stories can have on our intimate relationships. To illustrate here is an exercise for you to try.
Take a moment to reflect on the last time you were aware of an overreaction. An emotional response that, on reflection, seemed larger than the event called for. Your reaction clearly didn’t fit the crime (…always a clue). Maybe an argument with a significant other? Last-minute changes in plans? Maybe an unexpected disappointment?
Take a breath. Bring the image/memory/event up into your mind’s eye. Begin to replay the movie. Slowly. Frame by frame. Try to keep that Level I - thinking/judgment – off, away to the side. Drop into the body. Connect with the images as much as possible. Imagine watching a movie with the sound off. How’s it going?
Now try the following.
Step 1: Gently. See if you can notice
What is happening in your body? Sensations? Hot? Cold? Tightness? Tension?
What feelings are you connecting with? Anger? Sadness? Fear? Rejection?
Where do you feel this in the body? Chest? Stomach? Jaw? Head?
Now, without judgement – notice any other information that may arise.
Step 2: With curiosity inquire
What is this about for me?
Have I felt this before? When? Where? Who? How old?
Step 3: With buckets of compassion - see if you can connect with any story fragments this memory holds
What do you notice?
How old?
Who was there?
What happened?
What did you learn back then? (This is important. This is the old story)
Step 4: Reflection – ask yourself
Is this story true for me today – relevant in this current situation?
Does this story still fit me - here as an adult in 2021?
How would I like to change/rewrite this old story?
What would I prefer my present-day truth be?
How would I prefer to respond – present day – when X happens again?
These are powerful exercises. Although, these steps don’t take long - allow yourself enough time. Space. Grace. Maybe some tea? Tissues. Also, a notebook by your side can be helpful.
If you find these steps really stir the waters. It’s okay. Simply stop. Take some breaths. Switch gears. Connect with something more pleasant. Take a walk. Take a warm bath. Talk to a trusted friend, partner, or therapist.
Practical tips for you and your partner
What are some clues – signs - that unhelpful – Level II story – might be coming-up in your intimate relationships?
Look for – blaming, judging, criticizing – feelings/language/behaviors. You always! You never! – are common examples.
Feeling personally - blamed, judged, criticized, or defensive – can also be a sign. I can never say anything! “It’s always my fault! – can be helpful clues.
Intense physical sensations/feelings/reactions that – on reflection – seem too big for the event. For instance, if you are exploding or feeling devastated when your loved one forgets to pick-up milk – there might be some Level II story lurking somewhere. This is ripe for self-exploration, reflection, and discussion.
https://unsplash.com/@calebekerothRel... and mountainsHave you ever summited a mountain? There’s the long, hard climb. Finally, you reach the summit. The clouds part. The sun peeks through revealing a breathtaking view. You sit still - in absolute awe. On a clear day you can see for miles and miles and miles. Simple. Clear. True.
At times, even the best relationships can sometimes feel like we are summiting Everest. Twists. Turns. Rocks. Roots. Surprises. Personally, I think relationships are one of the hardest and – most rewarding - things we will ever do. Parenting is up there too…
When we start to see, own, and re-craft our unexamined stories the fog begins to clear. This creates space for listening, hearing, and responding with knowledge and self-understanding. Clear. Simple. True.
Now that we are awake in our relationships. We can begin to respond to our loved ones with awareness, wisdom, and insight. In time, communication becomes guided by our present-day narrative as opposed to a version of an outdated story from the past.
If we can begin to rewrite our own epic sagas and leave them where they belong – in the past, we can begin to see ourselves - and our loved ones - as wonderful imperfect humans.
Until next time…
Kate Champion is a personal growth writer, psychotherapist, runner, and backpacker. Kate is obsessed with real people with inspiring stories -who are beating the odds – determined to live their best lives. Author of Never Too Late. Inspiration, Motivation, and Sage Advice from 7 Later-in-Life athletes. Kate uses words to connect, support, and build community.
You can connect with Kate at: https://katechampionauthor.com/
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
October 14, 2021
Healing Through Life's Jagged Edges
https://unsplash.com/@mscheid
I invite you to read our inspiring article on the formative relationship between parent and child by Guest Blogger: Maria C. Palmer
I was a recent college graduate, who like many twenty-somethings had no clue what path my life would take. I was floundering. My feet were planted in two worlds I was creating a new life in the land of dreams in Los Angeles, CA, all while keeping secret my life back home in Pittsburgh, P.A., where my father was unexpectedly incarcerated.
I found acceptance and purpose in a charity started by a drinking, smoking, swearing, gambling Catholic nun, who was much too fashionable to be caught dead in a habit. Get On The Bus brought children to visit their mothers and fathers in California state prisons. As Sister Suzanne passionately reminded anybody who would listen, “This program has nothing to do with the parents, and it is all about the children. Children are the silent victims of crime. They didn’t do anything wrong, but suddenly their essential bond with their parent was broken, and due to other circumstances surrounding the prison complex, they may never know when they will see that parent again. This is why Get On The Bus exists. Children have a right to see, touch and talk to their incarcerated parent.” Sister Suzanne recognized my connection and passion and tapped me to run Get On The Bus as Program Director.
https://unsplash.com/@nate_dumlaoIn charge of the entire program, I worked with the children and their caregivers, an army of volunteers, and the prisons themselves to bring thousands of children to visit their incarcerated parents. Through the child-parent relationships forged during these visits, I saw first-hand how the children in this program gained confidence, became more emotionally stable, and stayed out of trouble. Children who kept a relationship with their incarcerated parents were much more likely to stay on the right side of the law and stay out of prison than those who did not have this bond. There was even a change in the incarcerated parents, and the jails in general. Leading up to the visits, and for a period afterwards, wardens noticed better behavior and a friendlier atmosphere among all inmates, both those part of the program and those not. I was truly changing the world for the better.
Maria Costanzo Palmer is a well-known force in the nonprofit world. She has worked on both coasts for organizations that give voice and equity to the marginalized members of society.
She and her former high school teacher, Ruthie Robbins, co-wrote the 2021 Page Turner Finalist unpublished manuscript On the Rocks (currently on submission), a narrative nonfiction story.
On the Rocks chronicles the journey of her father restaurateur personality, Joseph Costanzo, Jr., in his rise to success in the 1990's as owner of the highly acclaimed Primadonna Restaurant, radio host, columnist, and aspiring politician through his sharp fall, ending in an investigation and a stint in federal prison in the early 2000's.
For more information and stories from Maria C. Palmer, please visit her at mariacpalmer.com
She can also be found on Twitter, Instagram and FacebookWhat would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
September 30, 2021
Gentle Loving Kindness
Reviving a Lost Art
Image credit Jill Wellington courtesy of Pexels
[I invite you to read this thought-provoking article on self-reflection by guest blogger Janice Melmed]
I’ve been feeling quite overwhelmed lately. There has been so much going on in my life and I have felt pulled in so many directions at once. Distracted and not fully present, I reversed my car into a lamp post and jarred to a stop. I drove carefully home and I finally pressed pause on the chaos. I sat down and for a few moments I tuned into my body and I asked myself what I needed. Never mind what everyone else who I was giving my energy to needed, what did I need? I was surprised when the answer came back as gentle loving kindness. I decided to explore that a little deeper and to really understand what it was I was craving. Closing my eyes, I focused on my breathing, and once I was still, I allowed my senses to explore the words.
Gentleness brought images to mind of soft pastel colours, the sounds of tinkling music, sunlight filtering though trees, a softness like downy feathers, and my shoulders released and relaxed. Loving felt more like bright orange leaves in the autumn, dramatic tango music, blood red roses, feelings of intense heat from a roaring fire, and the pit of my stomach tingled with a frisson of excitement. Kindness was all greens and blues, with music that sounded like the ocean waves, springs of gently bubbling water flowing over rocks, the warmth one feels when snuggled under a duvet cover on a cold winter’s morning, and my body felt still. But when I strung those three words together as ‘gentle loving kindness’ I saw in my mind’s eye an endless comforting blackness with tinges of the softest pink, the music was meditative and peaceful, fields of yellow canola flowers stretched as far as my eyes could see, and my entire body softened and unfurled like the tender green shoots of a tree fern. I felt completely safe and nurtured. Such is the power of words. It’s been a long while since I’ve taken the time to engage with my senses and allow my body to tell me what it needs. I realised I have been so very busy taking care of everything and everyone else that there wasn’t a drop of gentleness in my own existence, I wasn’t being loving towards my own body, and I was being very far from kind to myself. I had lost the art of living with gentle loving kindness.
https://unsplash.com/@jacksondavid
How do we lose this art? We became overly busy. We became focused on the doingpart of life and we relinquish the space for simply being. In today’s fast paced world, people are moving at such a rapid rate, constantly chasing the next goal, the next opportunity, growing and reaching, striving, pushing, checking, balancing, following, or leading, judging, or ignoring… and seldom do we stop and simply be in the exact moment we are in with nothing else on our hearts other than to experience the beauty of the moment. Mental health issues are escalating, small children start school already beset by anxiety disorders, depression is rife and tensions are high. We are living out of resonance with our natural state, we have abandoned the principles of gentle loving kindness. It seems trite to say we are human beings and not human doings, but I feel there is definitely something there to be considered.
We push ourselves to the limit and if we find we are tired we drive ourselves even harder. We step over one another to get ahead, and we focus on goals and achievements rather than the journey and the joy. The divorce rate is shamefully high, and we appear to have lost the ability to love ourselves, never mind one another as we compete and divide and separate, needing more to be right than to be together. We have become too busy to show kindness to strangers or more importantly to ourselves. We drive ourselves harder and harder and we compensate when our bodies try to tell us something is wrong. We take medicines to subdue and hide symptoms that should never be ignored and we stop listening to our intuitive self. Under the relentless onslaught of demands we place on ourselves, eventually things begin to go wrong. Stress, injury, illness, and suffering become our reality and when we eventually crash our car into a pole, we cry out in despair, “Why did this happen to me?”
https://unsplash.com/@sickhews
Take an honest look at your life and ask yourself if you are living gently, lovingly, or kindly. Try to think back to if you have ever lived that way, or when last you did live your life by the principles of gentle loving kindness. When last did you truly prioritise your own wellbeing, the wellbeing of your family, friends, neighbours, and perhaps even total strangers. When last did you offer a helping hand to someone in need, or help an elderly lady cross a busy road. When was the last time you considered the environment, your carbon footprint? When last did you stop in your unending busyness to smell the air after a summers rain, or notice the nest filled with chirruping baby birds in the tree outside your home. When last did you notice that there are soft green leaves pushing through the cracks in the road, and thrill at the strength and determination of the plant trying to make its way to the sun. When was the last time you hugged your children, or lay on the grass and looked up at the clouds holding hands with your loved one? Have you ever looked around you at the massive skyscrapers reaching for the sky and marvelled at how, what began as an idea in someone’s mind, was slowly developed and coaxed to reality through the labours of many people. Do you take the time to appreciate architecture and the careful juxtaposition of the different elements with the surrounding buildings and landscapes so that they enhance one another and create beauty in spite of their unnatural existence? Or have you been too busy driving yourself to achieve without taking any time to cultivate a balanced life?
https://unsplash.com/@joshuaearle
Tune In To Your Senses
How about if tomorrow you wake a little earlier, just five minutes, and instead of reaching for your mobile devices and launching yourself into the onslaught of information, frantically scanning in case you might have missed something in the night, you just lie there with your eyes closed.
Feel the heavy warmth of the bed covers, the softness of the fabric of your pyjamas. Feel the skin on your feet and say hello to your toes. If you have a partner then become aware of the soft rhythm of their breathing, or perhaps smile as they snore and grunt in their sleep. Tune into the environment of your room and taste the air with your nose. The residue of yesterday’s perfume on the clothes you discarded at bedtime. The comforting smell of fabric softener on your linen and the accompany joy of knowing you’ve slept in freshly laundered sheets. Let your ears tune into the surrounding world, the birds, perhaps the sound of the wind, passing traffic, maybe someone else is stirring in the home. Then gently and slowly stretch out your body. Breathing deeply, allowing the ripples of movement to spread from the bottom of your feet, right up through each muscle and limb to the top of your head. Raise your arms slowly above your head and stretch fully and luxuriously.Release your breath and then softly open your eyelids and allow your vision to swim into focus. Take a moment to notice the room you are in. Pause and remember the moment that photograph on your dresser was taken. Pull the memory to the fore and allow your heart to expand as it recalls the details, the excitement, the joy of the moment that was worthy of photographing. And then swing your legs over the side of the bed and sit up. Be amazed at how easily your body functions, or perhaps be grateful that you are still able to get up unaided. Those precious few minutes where you slowly engaged all of your senses, allowing yourself to emerge from the cocoon of sleep gently, lovingly, kindly, sets the tone for the day ahead. You can still live a full and busy life, but if you can mindfully begin to press pause in between moments, just long enough to engage your senses, and fully appreciate the moment by playing with the imagery in your mind, that simple act will begin to bring balance to your life. You will engage the incredible power of gentle loving kindness and your life will flourish as a result.
©Janice Melmed
~ Thank you for this beautifully written work on self-reflection Janice.
~ You can read more of Janice's thought-provoking work at the link HERE
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.September 23, 2021
Your Tone Matters
https://unsplash.com/@isthatbrock
As I have traversed through this maze of uncertainty, blindly forging my way ahead without being able to see the way forward, I found many forms of growth and awakening processes along the way.
En Route: The best is yet to be by Elora Canne
As I have matured and supposedly wizened up and been open to the teachings of the universe, it has dawned on me that maxims such as ‘treat others like you want to be treated’ cannot be directly translated, just like many foreign languages cannot be directly translated.
🙊
Treat others like you want to be treated actually works by default. For example, although in my mid-adult years I have focused on being very literal and positive with my words (mostly) when speaking with other people, this certainly does not always come back to me directly, but in a roundabout way instead.🙉Say what you mean and mean what you say – with love. This has been my motto for many years but it has taken me 50 odd years of orbiting the sun, to establish that when I am being my authentic self I am reflecting that back to another person – their response to me is their authenticity – and they do not always match up.🙈It’s not an ‘instant fix. My sensitivity and willingness to talk kindly, slowly brings about an awareness in others (mostly) as they too realize that treating others like they would like to be treated has cause-and-effect ramifications. If their response is agitated, emotional or animated, it affects the mutual outcome. And so, really, treating others as you want to be treated actually does work, not only in conversations but in our actions too. It just took a lot longer for me to understand that the process has to ‘fit’ the other person’s psyche in order to create shared reciprocity.Perhaps you're wondering how this relates directly to relationships?Do you feel ignored, unheard, not listened to?Deep conversation is my number 1 top tip:➤ If you want your partners attention, make it known: use their name; choose a quiet moment.
➤ Find a neutral space, whether outdoors, in a cafe or your backyard away from household distractions.
➤ Make eye contact.
Now you're ready for a conversation where you'll be heard, acknowledged and listened to.
https://unsplash.com/@solomacLet's connect on the socials and carry on the conversation!
Find me on Insta here
Click here to find me on Facebook
And if you'd like to join my Launch Team Enthusiasts for my memoir release in February 2022, contact me through the form in the menu bar above. I have a free gift for all Launch Team Enthusiasts!
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
September 19, 2021
Surprise!
I wanted to let you know first that I'm sending out invitations to my blog family to join my Launch Team Enthusiasts.
You'll receive an email from me soon and I didn't want it to get swallowed up in your junk mail.
Please look out for it. The subject line is my name, Elora Canne - Creating Sparks that Last blog.
I can't wait to hear from you.
Have a fabulous week.
Let's do this!
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
September 17, 2021
Want to Thrive in Your Relationship?
As I see it, a relationship should evolve with experience and maturity just as our preferences in foods and beverages do. Elora Canne: En Route memoir
To explain the quote above, we'll start with loving ice cream and later, with a more health conscious awareness, we turn to frozen yoghurt as a delicious alternative.
As age creeps up and with it a broader perspective, green smoothies become the next best thing to improve our health and meet our flavour needs.
Then time wears on and we try an even healthier option – say kombucha – as our bodies begin the journey into our wisdom years.
Let's Thrive on our Relationship Journey
By and by we realize there really is no magic elixir to prevent life and relationship mishaps, but most importantly of all, the realization hits that all of these beverages we’ve enjoyed along our relationship journey have one thing in common – they have been primarily mixed with water.
Bland, tasteless, colorless water.
And that is exactly what our relationships are made of too.
🚰 You have to see the flavorless banality as part of your togetherness if you’re going to make a go of loving this soul you have chosen to be your life partner.
🍦 It can’t only be about rich and creamy ice cream or flavorsome kombucha.
👥 No, you and your partner are both human beings designed to experience the whole gamut of life and its emotions; and essentially the majority of the being that you are, is made up of that boring yet life-giving water.
🧊 Love that stuff in you, your partner and your life because your very life and love depend on it!
📜 In the following article, you'll find actual steps to take to start improving your relationship today: Bring your relationship back from the brink
What’s new on the blog?
Guest bloggers for the month of October! They'll be sharing their relationship expertise with us.
I have an exciting line-up of articles which I’ll share in next week's blog post.
I’m excited to read some new perspectives on relationships, whether intimate, platonic or self-love.
Talking of fresh perspectives, my book is shaping the lives of many couples for the better. You should give it a go too. Your relationship will thrive! Grab it at the link: Creating Sparks That Last
If you're looking to set the mood while you read Creating Sparks That Last with your love, I have the perfect love songs playlist for you: Date Night In
As always, I'd love to get involved in a conversation about different ways to sharpen our relationships so drop a comment below and let's start a conversation.
September 16, 2021
Want to Thrive in Your Relationship?
As I see it, a relationship should evolve with experience and maturity just as our preferences in foods and beverages do. Elora Canne: En Route memoir
To explain the quote above, we'll start with loving ice cream and later, with a more health conscious awareness, we turn to frozen yoghurt as a delicious alternative.
As age creeps up and with it a broader perspective, green smoothies become the next best thing to improve our health and meet our flavour needs.
Then time wears on and we try an even healthier option – say kombucha – as our bodies begin the journey into our wisdom years.
https://unsplash.com/@noellejleeLet's Thrive on our Relationship Journey
By and by we realize there really is no magic elixir to prevent life and relationship mishaps, but most importantly of all, the realization hits that all of these beverages we’ve enjoyed along our relationship journey have one thing in common – they have been primarily mixed with water.
Bland, tasteless, colorless water.
And that is exactly what our relationships are made of too.
🚰 You have to see the flavorless banality as part of your togetherness if you’re going to make a go of loving this soul you have chosen to be your life partner.
🍦 It can’t only be about rich and creamy ice cream or flavorsome kombucha.
👥 No, you and your partner are both human beings designed to experience the whole gamut of life and its emotions; and essentially the majority of the being that you are, is made up of that boring yet life-giving water.
🧊 Love that stuff in you, your partner and your life because your very life and love depend on it!
📜 In the following article, you'll find actual steps to take to start improving your relationship today: Bring your relationship back from the brink
Guest bloggers for the month of October! They'll be sharing their relationship expertise with us.
I have an exciting line-up of articles which I’ll share in next week's blog post.
I’m excited to read some new perspectives on relationships, whether intimate, platonic or self-love.
Talking of fresh perspectives, my book is shaping the lives of many couples for the better. You should give it a go too. Your relationship will thrive! Grab it at the link: Creating Sparks That Last
https://unsplash.com/@woodwatchIf you're looking to set the mood while you read Creating Sparks That Last with your love, I have the perfect love songs playlist for you: Date Night In
As always, I'd love to get involved in a conversation about different ways to sharpen our relationships so drop a comment below and let's start a conversation.
What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.September 9, 2021
The Kind of Life You Want
https://unsplash.com/@jennymarvinCommitting to a life-long marriage through difficult times takes a lot of courage. I had to define for myself the kind of life I wanted. Was I willing to forgo some of my identity to take on the characteristics of a partner who, just 30 years ago, was a complete stranger to me? Had I really got to know him at all? In this life that we share, how deeply had we truly got to know each other?
Not so deeply at all, I was to learn. In spite of the many epiphanies through our year-long travel escapade, what we did on a daily basis in the humdrum of a nine to five lifestyle eroded the lessons learnt and the coping mechanisms we had adopted. Outwardly we have a wonderfully marvelous life, yet our invisible introspection, unseen by those around us, slowly dims the light in both of our eyes. Old habits took over as we forgot to create special moments together. Our lives became mechanical.
Learning to redefine the meaning of love after 30 years means learning to redefine boundaries that no longer have any meaning. Boundaries that were significant to a 17- and 22-year-old couple madly in love are worlds apart from the boundaries of a 50- and 55-year-old couple at odds with each other’s idea of mid-life contentment. Finding a compromise that makes both partners happy is ongoing if you are to make a permanent home together.
https://unsplash.com/@laurenraderphoto The outcome depends largely on how much you are prepared to give of yourself to make another human being happy whilst maintaining your own happiness.
It does not mean, however, that you have to throw in the proverbial towel on your relationship. It just means you have to work together to find your way back to a common path that will lead you side-by-side to an ever-evolving landscape of sharing and cherishing each other’s dreams and strengths. My head swirls sometimes with the thought that it is up to me to make a difference, but really, it is not. That is another altruistic untruth I had to uncover – if we want something to change, we have to change ourselves first. It is only up to me to make a difference if I am the only one wanting things to be different, but if the feeling is mutual, then both parties need to make the effort.
And so, after 31 years of marriage (at the time of writing), we found ourselves living with the awkwardness of new partners rediscovering a set of guidelines to live by in which we could both flourish. We share platitudes like ‘How are you, How did you sleep, and How was your day?’ These are mindless banalities like ‘What would you like for breakfast?’ or ‘What would you like to do today?’
https://unsplash.com/@maierfotoConversely, ‘How are you?’ is completely different to ‘How do you feel?’ I’m not saying that we should rely on each other to make ourselves happy. Quite the opposite. I am happy and content to be a loner within the walls of marriage, but James would like to share more time together. Was I going to choose to love myself with complete self-indulgence or was I going to compromise and find ways in which I could both indulge in my own space and share in his preferences as well?
After sharing our youth and middle-age together, I certainly didn’t want old patterns to re-emerge in a never-ending loop, so we had to find ways to renew our interest in each other without the distraction of worldly travels and work to blur the layers of love and companionship.
We had to learn new ways of connecting in a new era instead of going full circle and repeating past mistakes. That’s not to say we wouldn’t make new mistakes because I certainly know by now that a relationship never reaches ‘perfect’ status – perfect does not, and should not, exist.
To be perfect means to stagnate.
❤ This is a closing extract from my memoir, En Route: The best is yet to be. It is a deeply introspective view of my relationship with myself in respect to my relationship with those who influence my connection to life.
❤ It will be released in February 2022 which is a delay from my original release date of October 2021 - this is purely because we have gone ahead with our decision for a skychange. I can't call it a treechange or seachange because James and I are complete opposites in that regard, but skychange embraces us both.
❤ I'm curious to know if you would like to register your interest in being notified of the exact release date for my memoir?
❤ Perhaps even joining me as a launch team enthusiast to share posts on your social media platforms from time to time?
❤ Let me know in the comments or via the contact form in the menu above if either of those options appeal to you. No strings, obligations or ulterior motives attached 💖
❤ If you'd like to read our prequel which actually gives the backstory to my memoir, click the link here
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September 2, 2021
You're Just 1 Hour from Better Loving
There she is! Introducing my book baby, which, just by the way, hit the No.1 Best Seller list in it's category on launch day!
The category is One-Hour Relationships Short Reads! That's it - in just one hour you could be on your way to a whole new way of life.
Imagine how good that will be. You and your partner can be reading TONIGHT, together and start living your best lives as a couple madly, deeply in love.
Grab your chance HERE!
Wake Up Tomorrow Morning With a Clean Slate
https://unsplash.com/@matheusferreroHere's how my book, Creating Sparks that Last, has helped other couples just like you:
Don’t you just LOVE that this reader is so inspired to create new sparks, new memories and renewed connection, in her marriage? I do!
This next reader just blew me away with her enthusiasm for her husband to read the book:
You’re just an hour away from living your romantic dream, and at just $.99c, I’d say that’s real value.
Don’t delay: Grab it today.
Come back in an hour and let me know what you thought. I’m all ears!What would it feel like to have a happier relationship? Request your free PDF download in the comments.
