Brenda Seefeldt Amodea's Blog, page 14

Memes to Share About the Brave People in My Life

Are you one of those brave friends too?

I need to be in a vulnerable relationship with somebody. I need encouragement. I need cheering on. I need to be told that I made the right choice. But here���s the thing. Not just anyone can tell me that. For it to sink into my calloused heart it has to come from people who know that calloused heart. This knowing comes from my feeling safe enough to be vulnerable.

These vulnerable relationships for me often include more than one person. I trust certain people which then allows me to lead the rest of my life with a bigger and braver faith.��

Friendships are an important part of our spiritual formation.

The post Memes to Share About the Brave People in My Life appeared first on Bravester.

Please Remember Me

A random church renovation led to a story that captured the heartstrings of many people.

Holy Trinity Church in Sunderland, England, was undergoing a renovation. A church has not met in that space since 1988. Stuffed down the side of one of the pews was a note written 125 years ago. It was written by a 13-year old choir boy who was orphaned. William Elliott on August 11, 1897, wrote on the back of an order of service this note as a request to not be forgotten.

I love teen boys. They simply want to be seen. We all want to be seen–and hopefully remembered.

The note said: 

Dear friend, whoever finds this paper, think of William Elliott who had two months and two weeks and four days on the 11 of August 1897. Whoever you are that finds this paper don’t tear it up or throw it away… keep it in remembrance of me, W. Elliott…I was the leading boy of this choir… I love you if you love me.

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-t...

This was stuffed down the side of one of the pews because here in this church this orphaned boy wanted to be seen and remembered by someone. I believe that here in this church he was seen.

���I love you if you love me.��� This is the cry of a wounded boy���s heart. This is the cry of everyone���s wounded heart.

This pulls at my youth-pastor-heart. This pulled at many people���s hearts because this story went viral.

William came to live in Sunderland Orphanage Asylum after his father was washed overboard in 1887 and his mother could no longer take care of him. He lived at the orphanage from 1892 to October 29, 1897���which was his 14th birthday. This birthday was just weeks after he wrote his letter, stuffed it, hoping that someone would remember him because he knew he would be gone.

Of course, people started researching now to see what became of William Elliott. This is not my research. I���m one of the hooked ones who have been following this story.

Two years after William���s release from the orphanage, he followed his sister to immigrate to New York when he was 19. He soon enlisted in the US Navy. This led to a 42-year career, serving in both World Wars.

William had two children, eight grandchildren, and was married three times. His first two wives left him a widower. At the age of 84, William died in a San Diego rest home in 1968 and was buried at Arlington National Cemetery in Washington DC. In Arlington National Cemetery he will never be forgotten. Source.

Did William���s innate desire to become someone lead to his 48-year honored Navy career? Is this what drew him to the Navy? So many questions we could have asked if this note was found a hundred years ago or even 60 years ago.

It is hard growing up as a teen boy. Not that I would know but I���ve seen thousands of teen boys in four decades as a youth pastor. Their antics, their silliness, their respectfulness (I have received this sooooo much), and their farts are all an effort to be seen hoping that someone will say to them, ���You are going to be a good man.���

I want to be that person. I particularly want to tell parents to be that person.

Parents, tell them. Tell them that adolescent development and all the extras that come with it are temporary. Tell them they are not stupid, just developing. Give them a good foundation. Tell them that they are good and will grow into good men. Bring them around a circle of good men so they can observe all the details of how to be a good man.

I wrote these expectations I have for teen boys. Parents, use this.

I���m sure this is why I ended up raising four boys, who are now all over the age of 40. I���m still telling them they are good men.

I���m sure this is why I���m in contact with many graduated teens who are now men. They are either still seeking this from me or keep reaching out to show me that they are good men. They are good men. This is why I love being a youth pastor.

May you–and may our churches–see the wonder of teen boys and remember them.

May our teen boys know this so much they won’t have to write a note, hide it in a pew, and hope someone remembers them.

The post Please Remember Me appeared first on Bravester.

About the Leading Cause of Teen Deaths

The leading cause of death for teens is now firearms.

It used to be car accidents.

I have lots of thoughts about this.

I���ve been a youth pastor for 40 years. Back in the 1980s suicide was a huge concern. At that point suicide was the #3 cause of death of teens. Us young and passionate youth pastors, my many peers, were teaching every way we could so that suicide wouldn���t become #2. I was so well-versed in this I was even the chair of our county suicide prevention coalition. Suicide never did reach #2.

In this new data suicide still is not #2. Or #1. With all of the new data on the rise of anxiety in teens you would think so. This is what I assumed when I read this new data. You would think with the mention of firearms that suicide would be a part of that.

Thankfully no. As if this is some sort of good news. These high numbers of firearm deaths is actual gun violence. In fact in 2019 alone there was a 29 percent increase in gun violence deaths for those under age 19. Gun homicides across the US in all age groups rose 33 percent in 2020. Those are high percentages.

Gun violence deaths is larger than car accidents (now #2), drug overdoses and poisoning (now #3), and cancer. Of course, this is larger than suicide. This is homicides, not suicides. I have lots of thoughts about this.

For 39 of my 40 years of being a youth pastor, car crashes was #1. These numbers have dropped dramatically mostly due to better vehicle safety. Teens are still teen drivers (they still have that growing teen brain) but cars are better built to provide safety for all, especially teen drivers.

Some experts are saying that the rise in handgun ownership is to blame. Covid had a direct effect in the increase of handgun purchases. We are aware of all the high profile shootings that happen on school campuses and inside malls. Those numbers pale in comparison to the numbers of deaths due to interpersonal violence. Which means that gun-related injuries is also an increasing problem.

There is an even sadder note (this is personal to me) about the increase of gun homicides from all age groups. Black Americans make up 14 percent of our population and yet they make up nearly half of all homicide victims. 2020 is the first year that more children and teens were killed by guns than in car accidents. But gun violence has been the number one cause of death among Black teenage boys over 15 for the last decade. This grieves me so. ��

When my boys were teens in the 1990s I made the decision that I would get between a bullet and them, even at the cost of my life. Thankfully this never happened. But I knew about the stolen guns they were handling and I knew about the beefs between crews that were going on and I knew that it would just take a moment for something to escalate to this point. We did lose my son���s cousin, a young man I knew well and discipled, to gun violence because his roommate was in a beef. The conflict escalated to a warning gun shot into their rented home. It just so happened that the bullet hit Maurice in the forehead while he was on the couch. Another good young black man gone.

These new numbers hurt my broken heart. The lives of young black men are a passion of my heart.  

I���m mentoring an incarcerated man (introduced to me from one of my sons in prison) who aspires to be a children���s book author. He has written a series for children ages 6 to 12 called TaQuan Makes a Choice. The first book in that series is about TaQuan being asked to hold a real gun from an older teen and the choice TaQuan has to make. This does not sound like a children���s book about bunnies in the sun. How would you illustrate a book like this? But you can see the importance of the message, right?

We are in year 2 of trying to find a publisher. I have found an agent who has pitched this book series to 14 different publishers. Four have said no. We are still waiting and praying to hear from the other nine. Will one of these have the foresight to try this series? Because you can see why this series is needed.

(You can follow this story and get to know Latif at his webpage, Stay Focused Stay Free.)

The rise of gun ownership is only a small part of this problem. The dehumanization of the other is a part of this problem. ���Powering over��� thus the need to carry a gun is a part of this problem. The ingenuity of ���ghost guns��� is a part of this problem. Hopelessness is a part of this problem.

My broken-hearted bravery leads me to discern that the way of Jesus is the solution. The way of Jesus is hope for the future, as well as hope for today. Hope leads to better decision making today. The way of Jesus is compassion on the other. The way of Jesus is identity not in carrying a gun but in who God is growing you to be, which is living in hope of making that Plan B.

There is so much to teach. There is so much to pray for. There is so much to walk through with���how hope is best caught.

Parents, you have your very important role. I will continue to do mine. May lots of others join us.

John 10:10, a favorite verse of mine since the 1980s, teaches, ���The thief���s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” I���ve hated teen death for a long time because Satan has taken out worldchangers before they could become their God-given purpose. My heart is broken yet again but I will continue on yet again.

For the love of teens���for the love of our young black men���

Brenda!

Sources: NBC News, The Guardian

The post About the Leading Cause of Teen Deaths appeared first on Bravester.

Pain is Always a 10—Until it Isn’t

Have you seen in doctors’ offices a poster to help the patient identify the pain level? This is something you can use to help your teen learn perspective about those big emotions.

Big emotions is a normal part of adolescent development. It’s a part brain growth. A part of adolescent development is feeling these emotions for the first time and creating those neural pathways for the future. This is feeling all of the emotions.

For a teen who is experiencing so many new and often big emotions, everything registers as a 10. But that is not very helpful to you as you try to figure out how to respond. What is really a 10 and needs my immediate attention and wisdom and what is less than 10 and will pass in 5 minutes? This is not so easy to discern. What you may think is a 5-minute outburst could actually be a window into a deeper problem.

Remember that perspective is not learned “in the moment.” In that painful moment, it will always be a 10. Allow that 10 to be true. Comfort your teen as if this adolescent problem is a 10—every time.

This will mean you will have to interrupt what you are doing. This means you will have to give your teen time—time you probably don’t have. This means you will have to feel your teen’s pain—even if to you it feels silly. This means you will have to watch that you don’t roll your eyes or say something trite. This means you don’t say, “When I was your age…”

This is a vulnerable moment and you have to be in it.

I have a parent in my church who calls this “interruptive parenting.” She’s willing to be interrupted by Holy Spirit-led moments to let her teens know she sees them in their pain, which for her is so often nonverbalized.

After that moment has passed, bring out the pain scale you have stored in just that right location. Ask what number that life crisis deserves now. This is such a teachable moment!

Your teen will begin to learn about perspective.

Your teen will learn that pain does end. And that pain is not the end of everything.

You can introduce your teen to where God really is when life hurts so much. This is when you can share what you have learned. This is when you can share how you’ve come to trust God through it all. (Such a powerful truth to pass on.)

You can teach your teen about bravery. Which I define bravery as your decisions to actually trust God. That is full of vulnerability because with God there is not the guarantee of the controlled outcome you want.

You can teach about “holy tension” which is the discomfort of being stuck in between but knowing that if you can make a brave vulnerable decision something holy is going to happen. Something holy can happen out of this pain that was a 10.

You can teach your teen to not be afraid of his/her pain. How pain is always the beginning to something. A broken heart is always a beginning.

You can teach that God has hard-wired us for pain. Our brains were created for growth and change.

It is in these moments that you can teach your teen about the newness of these emotions and the Larger Story God.

All of this because you decided to not be afraid of your teen’s pain, to interrupt your life, and to pull out this pain chart to have this discussion.

We are cheering for you, parent.

The post Pain is Always a 10—Until it Isn’t appeared first on Bravester.

Pain is Always a 10���Until it Isn���t

Have you seen in doctors��� offices a poster to help the patient identify the pain level? This is something you can use to help your teen learn perspective about those big emotions.

Big emotions is a normal part of adolescent development. It���s a part brain growth. A part of adolescent development is feeling these emotions for the first time and creating those neural pathways for the future. This is feeling all of the emotions.

For a teen who is experiencing so many new and often big emotions, everything registers as a 10. But that is not very helpful to you as you try to figure out how to respond. What is really a 10 and needs my immediate attention and wisdom and what is less than 10 and will pass in 5 minutes? This is not so easy to discern. What you may think is a 5-minute outburst could actually be a window into a deeper problem.

Remember that perspective is not learned ���in the moment.��� In that painful moment, it will always be a 10. Allow that 10 to be true. Comfort your teen as if this adolescent problem is a 10���every time.

This will mean you will have to interrupt what you are doing. This means you will have to give your teen time���time you probably don���t have. This means you will have to feel your teen���s pain���even if to you it feels silly. This means you will have to watch that you don���t roll your eyes or say something trite. This means you don���t say, ���When I was your age������

This is a vulnerable moment and you have to be in it.

I have a parent in my church who calls this ���interruptive parenting.��� She���s willing to be interrupted by Holy Spirit-led moments to let her teens know she sees them in their pain, which for her is so often nonverbalized.

After that moment has passed, bring out the pain scale you have stored in just that right location. Ask what number that life crisis deserves now. This is such a teachable moment!

Your teen will begin to learn about perspective.

Your teen will learn that pain does end. And that pain is not the end of everything.

You can introduce your teen to where God really is when life hurts so much. This is when you can share what you have learned. This is when you can share how you���ve come to trust God through it all. (Such a powerful truth to pass on.)

You can teach your teen about bravery. Which I define bravery as your decisions to actually trust God. That is full of vulnerability because with God there is not the guarantee of the controlled outcome you want.

You can teach about ���holy tension��� which is the discomfort of being stuck in between but knowing that if you can make a brave vulnerable decision something holy is going to happen. Something holy can happen out of this pain that was a 10.

You can teach your teen to not be afraid of his/her pain. How pain is always the beginning to something. A broken heart is always a beginning.

You can teach that God has hard-wired us for pain. Our brains were created for growth and change.

It is in these moments that you can teach your teen about the newness of these emotions and the Larger Story God.

All of this because you decided to not be afraid of your teen���s pain, to interrupt your life, and to pull out this pain chart to have this discussion.

We are cheering for you, parent.

The post Pain is Always a 10���Until it Isn���t appeared first on Bravester.

Dating You “As Is”

When you are meeting someone for that coffee date, you want to put some effort into hygiene and a cute outfit. Because you are cute. You will probably dress cuter than you would for when you meet with your friends for coffee.

Your friends get you “as is.” This new intriguing person gets a more spiffed up you but he/she is still dating you. Your whole you—even if only the good parts are seen on that first coffee date, and probably for the next several dates.

Getting to know this intriguing person is the fun part of dating. The assumption is you are getting to know the whole person—not just the good parts. Over time you also learn about the broken parts, the healed parts, and the parts which are in the process of healing.

Time reveals who this intriguing person is. Time may reveal that this growing relationship is not a match. This is one of the purposes of dating. This means that not everyone you date will the “the one.” Until you do find your love for a lifetime.

This means eventually your not-so good parts are going to be seen by someone you are dating. At least I hope this happens eventually. Because there will be major problems that will likely end the relationship if you keep only presenting your good parts. Major problems like, “If you lied to me about that, what else have you lied about” kinds of problems.

If you are only presenting your good parts in your dating relationships, why are you doing this? This is an identity question. Which also means you probably don’t want to do the hard work to answer it truthfully.

If you are only giving your good parts, I’m going to guess you feel like you are not enough. This matters so much in dating because you will then look for the “ideal” or perfect person to make up for what you feel is lacking in yourself.

This is not a good match for you. This is why you keep attracting the wrong type.

So how do you date “as is” when “as is” feels like you are setting yourself up for rejection every time?

First of all, every relationship you try will come to an end until you do find the one. This one is just common sense—which we don’t often think about. Maybe because we dread the emotional toll of the end of relationships so much.

Remember this. A failed date or a failed relationship is not a definer of who you are. There are so many variables as to why things didn’t work out.

How about trying to be “as is” in a group of safe people first? This is your team. This could be a small group you try at your church—or another church. (Search and find the one you want!) This could be your intentional friend group who all agree together to see into the vulnerable stuff of each others’ lives.

These people will help you safely grow and to become better spiritually formed. Exposure and influence to such people grow you in such areas as:

Gain awareness of what you like and don’t likeDefine who you are and who you are notDevelop your “no” muscleStop blaming othersStop playing the victimPerseveranceCompassion for othersBecome proactive, not reactiveSet limits and boundariesChoose and enforce your valuesAccept others’ choices because you can’t control themRealize your separateness and independence from othersWhat is honestyWhat is trustworthyHow to be clearBetter listening skillsChallenge your distorted thinkingChallenge you to a larger view of God

This takes time. This takes your vulnerability. This is hard work.  This is the beginning of finding your boundaries.

Read also People Are a Part of Spiritual Practice.

If you do choose to join a small group (this may be your brave decision because small groups contain people), you are not allowed to dominate the center of the small group so you can hurry up this process. You must participate as part of the group while purposely practicing the things on this list. This is why it takes time. The small group likely does not exist to help you grow. Though this small group will be the catalyst to help you grow.

Here is the truth I want you to remember as you put in the hard work and the time. I see your worthiness and you are more worthy than the losers you’ve been attracting. I believe you are capable of attracting more than one right person. And I can’t wait to watch you be this whole person who is dating whole people and the one who will be a good match with which will lead to a love for a lifetime. I see this for you. Because you are trusting yourself to be vulnerable to me (by reading, though we can get a Zoom coffee sometime) and the people you are choosing. We are going to find joy in watching you. This will be your diary of a relationship.

The post Dating You “As Is” appeared first on Bravester.

Dating You ���As Is���

When you are meeting someone for that coffee date, you want to put some effort into hygiene and a cute outfit. Because you are cute. You will probably dress cuter than you would for when you meet with your friends for coffee.

Your friends get you ���as is.��� This new intriguing person gets a more spiffed up you but he/she is still dating you. Your whole you���even if only the good parts are seen on that first coffee date, and probably for the next several dates.

Getting to know this intriguing person is the fun part of dating. The assumption is you are getting to know the whole person���not just the good parts. Over time you also learn about the broken parts, the healed parts, and the parts which are in the process of healing.

Time reveals who this intriguing person is. Time may reveal that this growing relationship is not a match. This is one of the purposes of dating. This means that not everyone you date will the ���the one.��� Until you do find your love for a lifetime.

This means eventually your not-so good parts are going to be seen by someone you are dating. At least I hope this happens eventually. Because there will be major problems that will likely end the relationship if you keep only presenting your good parts. Major problems like, ���If you lied to me about that, what else have you lied about��� kinds of problems.

If you are only presenting your good parts in your dating relationships, why are you doing this? This is an identity question. Which also means you probably don���t want to do the hard work to answer it truthfully.

If you are only giving your good parts, I���m going to guess you feel like you are not enough. This matters so much in dating because you will then look for the ���ideal��� or perfect person to make up for what you feel is lacking in yourself.

This is not a good match for you. This is why you keep attracting the wrong type.

So how do you date ���as is��� when ���as is��� feels like you are setting yourself up for rejection every time?

First of all, every relationship you try will come to an end until you do find the one. This one is just common sense���which we don���t often think about. Maybe because we dread the emotional toll of the end of relationships so much.

Remember this. A failed date or a failed relationship is not a definer of who you are. There are so many variables as to why things didn���t work out.

How about trying to be ���as is��� in a group of safe people first? This is your team. This could be a small group you try at your church���or another church. (Search and find the one you want!) This could be your intentional friend group who all agree together to see into the vulnerable stuff of each others��� lives.

These people will help you safely grow and to become better spiritually formed. Exposure and influence to such people grow you in such areas as:

Gain awareness of what you like and don���t likeDefine who you are and who you are notDevelop your ���no��� muscleStop blaming othersStop playing the victimPerseveranceCompassion for othersBecome proactive, not reactiveSet limits and boundariesChoose and enforce your valuesAccept others��� choices because you can���t control themRealize your separateness and independence from othersWhat is honestyWhat is trustworthyHow to be clearBetter listening skillsChallenge your distorted thinkingChallenge you to a larger view of God

This takes time. This takes your vulnerability. This is hard work.  This is the beginning of finding your boundaries.

Read also People Are a Part of Spiritual Practice.

If you do choose to join a small group (this may be your brave decision because small groups contain people), you are not allowed to dominate the center of the small group so you can hurry up this process. You must participate as part of the group while purposely practicing the things on this list. This is why it takes time. The small group likely does not exist to help you grow. Though this small group will be the catalyst to help you grow.

Here is the truth I want you to remember as you put in the hard work and the time. I see your worthiness and you are more worthy than the losers you���ve been attracting. I believe you are capable of attracting more than one right person. And I can���t wait to watch you be this whole person who is dating whole people and the one who will be a good match with which will lead to a love for a lifetime. I see this for you. Because you are trusting yourself to be vulnerable to me (by reading, though we can get a Zoom coffee sometime) and the people you are choosing. We are going to find joy in watching you. This will be your diary of a relationship.

The post Dating You ���As Is��� appeared first on Bravester.

Why Teens Must Do Hard Things–The Brain

Written by Eden Detwiler, age 14.

100 billion. That���s a big number. As teenagers, we rarely think of a number that huge. Trust me, a million is a lot for my mind to grasp.

Thankfully, we have a God who loves big numbers.

One fact I learned recently is that we have 100 billion neurons in our brain and 100-1,000 trillion synapses.

While this might seem like some fancy fact you learned in science class, this statement is actually proof of why teenagers must do hard things.

The Creator���s Design

God has amazingly created your brain. Hands down, it is one of the most extraordinary and astounding things to learn about. It is even more mind-blowing that He���s shared this information with us!

The psalmist overflowed with praise for God���s design in Psalm 139:13, ���For You formed my inward parts, You knitted me together in my mother���s womb. I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.���

The psalmist understood that God made you fearfully and wonderfully���and that includes your brain.

When we are teenagers, our brain is developing into our adult brain more than at any other time in life. Our brain will always be changing but the teen years are the most formative! Everything we do makes a connection in our brain called synapses. Things we do all the time, like reading and writing, produce synapses that are really strong! Other connections, for tasks you don���t do that often, are weak.

God designed your brain to form all these billions and trillions of connections for a purpose���that you glorify God and love Him with all your mind (Matthew 22:37).

One of my favorite verses is��Romans 12:2��which says, ���Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.��� And yet, I didn���t know how literal this is!

As teenagers, we���re given the responsibility to shape our brains for our adulthood. We have the opportunity to ���renew our minds��� by saturating ourselves with God���s truth. We can make it our goal to use His Word to divide the truth from the lies. We can either maximize our time as teenagers by forming godly mind-connections now, or we can work hard later to weed out the lies we let ourselves believe.

Imagine your brain as a garden. You are planting seeds and pulling weeds for your future adult brain. Trust me, the good seeds you plant will produce a thousand fold. But if you allow the weeds to grow, they will dominate your garden overtime. Talk to your grandparents and parents. They will tell you it���s harder to learn and remember the older you get. Take advantage of how malleable your brain is now! You don���t get this time back! It���s a glorious, God-given time.

The Brain of Culture

We���re always being influenced. Perhaps one of the greatest influences for teens today is our culture. How does culture influence us? Well, one way is through what we watch, what we read, and what we see. It���s all influencing us, forming synapses, even if we���re not conscious of it. This is such a great responsibility! No wonder it says in 1 Timothy 4:12, ���Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.���

For example, a teen might play video games all the time. They might eat, sleep, and dream video games. Do you know what this teenager���s adult brain will be like? That adult brain is wired for playing video games. Now I have nothing against video games. They can be fun, but we must be mindful of what our attention is on most of the time.

This could be said for anything��� your friends, your job, your hobbies. It has been said, ���what you behold, is what you become like���. This should be a scary thought for those of us who spend more time thinking about worldly things than God���s Kingdom!

Now, God, in His grace and mercy, can redeem and change the brains and hearts of people who have formed strong ungodly mind-connections. However, we should still heed the warning God gives us in 1 John 1: 15, ���Do not love the world or the things in the world.���

Our God knows that what���s best for us is Himself, not the world. He gives us this command and the responsibility to steward our minds and time well so that we are shaped into reflections of Christ.

Developing a God-Glorifying Brain

The goal of the teenage brain should be to become more like the mind of Christ Jesus. So, how do we go about forming our brain to glorify and honor God? How do we form strong godly synapses? The answer is simple.

1.We grow in knowledge of God: We get to know God through studying His Word, spending time in prayer, fellowshipping with Christian friends and mentors, and connecting with the Church.

2.We grow in love for God: When we spend time beholding God, growing in knowledge of Him, we are forming our brains to love Him and to love others. We are conforming to Jesus��� image and working with the Holy Spirit toward sanctification. What joy! We also know that those who love God, follow His commandments (John 14:21). Our love for Christ spurs us to action, which spurs godly mind-connections.

God made your brain for a purpose. He fashioned every part of you to glorify Him. Let���s set out to become the God-glorifying, people-serving, hard-working people He intended us to be.

So, the next time you think of a really big number or marvel at your brain, remember that you���ve been given a responsibility. Praise God for wonderfully designing the teenage brain!

Read more about this God-given authority to lead our brains. Here and here.

Eden Detwiler is a fourteen-year-old homeschooler from lands far far far away. Actually, she is now residing in KY, U.S.A. She adores starbursts, hot cups of tea, and sitting in warm chairs cuddled up with good 800 pages long novels. Aspirations of hers would be pursuing a career in being a missionary and an author. Her goal is to love God, love others, and be all in for Christ���s kingdom. If you want to support her check out��her blog! (Endorsed by Bravester.)

Previously published on the Rebelution.

The post Why Teens Must Do Hard Things–The Brain appeared first on Bravester.

Teens Learn Hope From Parents

This nugget from Dr. Brene��� Brown���s book, Atlas of the Heart, stopped me.

“It���s also important to know that hope is learned. According to Snyder, children most often learn the habit of hope from their parents. To learn hopefulness, children need relationships that are characterized by boundaries, consistency, and support. Children with high levels of hopefulness have experience with adversity. They���ve been given the opportunity to struggle, and in doing that they learn how to believe in themselves and their abilities.

“As someone who struggles watching my kids struggle, I can tell you���this is hard. I remind myself of the saying, ���Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.��� One thing that bolsters my commitment to letting my kids figure out on their own things that are both developmentally appropriate and possible is thinking about the alternatives:  hopelessness and despair. ���Dr. Brene’ Brown, Atlas of the Heart, p. 101

Snyder is in reference to C. R. Snyder and his book, Handbook of Hope. I���m sure I want to read more about this but the book costs $120. So���

I write a lot about hope because it is a part of bravery. Hope isn���t an emotion. Hope isn���t optimism. Hope is a habit. Hope is a way of thinking that requires brave decisions. John Parsi, the executive director of the Hope Center (I���ll call him an expert) says,

���Optimistic people see the glass as half full, but hopeful people ask how they can fill the glass full.���

–John Parsi, The Hope Center

These are the brave decisions. These are the tenacious decisions to make that Plan B because you believe you are worthy of something good happening to you.

This is something cannot be offloaded to God. This is you having to enter the emotional tunnel and travel through the whole tunnel. This is hope having bloody fists.

So, of course, I took notice when one of the voices in my head said that parents are the ones to teach that hope is a habit. And then she gifts us with the how to parent and teach hope. These are all Bravester.

Boundaries

Every child needs to learn boundaries or ���what is okay and what is not okay.��� This is Parenting 101. The reason behind this is the research that discovered boundaried people are the most compassionate people. You want to raise a child who knows how to show compassion for the world. This builds hope. Your child will not be afraid to make that brave decision to show compassion because your child will know that the failure of that compassion does not change who they are. They are free to hope and believe in the others.

Consistency

Another Parenting 101 lesson but to stay consistent is so hard. This is your brave decision to brave decision to brave decision. Because there are days you just want to slack off and take the easy way.

This is the gift you give your teen when you can be tenacious in consistency just this bit longer:  Your teen will learn how to predict life. When your teen can���t figure out how to gauge you, your teen is then learning how to live with anxiety and chaos in what is supposed to be the safe place.

The world is scary and unpredictable enough. Your teen needs to have the home be the safe place to navigate boundaries, adversity and failures and they will learn this from gauging you.

Support

There is rah-rah support which means basically I am saying the words but I���m not showing the words to be true in my consistency. Then there is the support that allows for adversity and failure, as well as the successes, and then feels into the pain of failure and walks your teen all the way through that emotional tunnel.

You don���t forget someone who carries your pain. You feel even more loyal to that person. This can be you.

When you feel supported like this, one cannot help but be a hopeful person feeling worthy to make that Plan B.  

Experience with adversity

Encourage your teen to do the hard things. As this one 14-year old teen wrote, this actually helps brain growth. That is reason enough.

With your support you can teach your teen so much about navigating through adversity. It is the first decision after deciding to not quit that begins the life lessons.

To encourage you to help get your teen past that decision to not quit, this is a great example from John Parsi:

���If there���s an accident on the I-10 or construction on the Broadway curve, I have to work around that to get to my destination. I can���t just stop in the middle of the highway and give up. I have to navigate through the traffic using hope theory and ultimately take agency to literally steer my actions.��� Source.

How does that win feel now? Give your teen that feeling. Even as you feel the agony of the process.

Do this before your teen turns 18, when you have a lot more say in your teen���s life.

Opportunity to struggle

There is a lot of discomfort in struggling. Discomfort can teach your teen so much.

Discomfort teaches problem solving and coping skills. You get the privilege of teaching your beloved the right coping skills.

Discomfort teaches grit and the power that grit will have for the rest of his/her life.

Discomfort also teaches the the joy of overcoming. Do you see how this leads to hope?

Failure is a Bravester value. Failure teaches so much, including to not fear failure. We have this great resource for you about failure for teens.

Suffering is a part of your teen finding his/her identity. Which is hopefully an identity of hopefulness.

The alternative to not doing these hard things as parents, as Dr. Brene��� Brown shared, is hopelessness and despair. None of us want this.

Then there is this. This is what I believe in my soul. This is why I���m in my 40th year of working with teenagers as a pastor. Teens who grow with hope will be our worldchangers. They will make the brave decisions. They will love even though that love will lead to heartbreak because this is what worldchangers do. They will figure out how to make that Plan B and love again. This will change our world.

The post Teens Learn Hope From Parents appeared first on Bravester.

People are a Part of Spiritual Formation

Ugh. People.

I mean generally we like people. We like our family (most of the time). We love our friends (maybe because we get to choose them). For some of us, we love social gatherings and the pulse of people. For some of us, we only have the energy to do a few of those social gatherings every so often. We can all agree that we like that people exist.

Then the pandemic came and we only had the option to ���bubble��� with a few certain people. For every one of us, we actually liked this option. Even the extroverts. Life was mandated to be simpler���especially the vulnerable parts of life.

During the pandemic we learned how optional church is. We still found a way to grow our faith but it didn���t have to be surrounded by people. So post-pandemic many are not returning to church. The main reason for this is because there are people there. Dumb people, judgey people, rude people, pushy people. All of these people also happen to go to church. If only these sort of people didn���t go to church.

So when I lead that people are a part of spiritual practice, you feel the ���ugh.���

There is the spiritual practice of  ���working out your salvation with fear and trembling��� by doing it on your own and there is the spiritual practice of doing this work with others, like people.  The second option is actually the harder (duh!) and better way (how about some growth success?).

On your own means you do incorporate the right spiritual practices into your life. You seek God for spiritual answers to your emotional pain. You keep ���giving it to the Lord.��� You memorize scriptures about your position in Christ. You maybe even fast.

These are good practices but they also can become things you strive to do to get God���s attention.

Because of what you are trying to overcome, God feels inactive. Which leads to anger at God. I am okay with anger at God because it is a show of trust in God. But on your own it is more likely you will feel like a spiritual failure. You keep ���giving it to the Lord��� so why isn���t God doing anything? What more should I be doing?

This is where people come in. Especially those wise overcomers themselves who are not afraid of your pain. Look for these people to be in your life.

There are these people whom you can tell your story to���that story that your brain is regurgitating back to you all of the time. The story that defines your view of the Invisible God���which is often too small. These people can look you in the eye and tell you the truth so your brain can start regurgitating that. These people can hold your hand or give you a hug and you feel the truth. You may not believe the truth tomorrow but maybe you will in three months. Especially when you are in regular space with these people.

To accept someone���s love and encouragement, to be truly seen, amazingly helps your other spiritual practices. What you are reading in the Bible starts to make more sense (this one is an amazing a-ha). You are finding it easier to pray. Maybe because you are praying for more than just your losses or your depression or your overwhelmed state. You find yourself praying for others:  for these people; for the people your people love; for other big problems in the world. You then find compassion growing inside of you. You find a larger world opening up because you are growing to trust a Larger Story God.

You also are learning about yourself. You see that you have developed a pattern of disconnecting from people. You see how you have allowed yourself to not need anyone so your hurt was never touched by anyone. You see now how your depression or your overwhelmed state grew to the size it is.

Spiritual practices now have become more than prayer and Bible study. Your new spiritual practices also include:

Being able to cry/grieve over your lossesTo accept comfort from peopleTo repent of relational patterns that have kept you from loving othersTo learn to forgive those who have hurt youTo overcome the defenses that have kept you from responding to loveTo learn that God is a whole lot bigger and loving than that box you contained him (and her) in

This is all a whole lot less of your striving to get God���s attention.

There are other things you grow to learn about yourself. Such as:

Gain an awareness of what you like and don���t likeDefine who you are and are notStop blaming othersStop playing the victimPerseverenceBecome proactive, not reactiveChallenge distorted thinkingLearn new Bible reading ideasLearn new ways to pray

And for when you are back in overwhelmed land (do not shame yourself when that happens), someone who will know how to pray for you when you are no longer able to pray.

This is a growing faith. But it involves people.  But people���

I wrote a book about this.

���I know, people disappoint.

���People betray, people get busy, people say stupid things like ���God knows what he is doing.��� (taken from I Wish I Could Take Away Your Pain, p. 5)

I wish having a Christian friend meant I wasn���t exposing my vulnerable self to be hurt. Or to be betrayed. But that is assuming that my Christian friend is perfect when I know I am an imperfect friend to my imperfect friends.

You still need people. You still need connection. We are designed by God this way. Healthy spiritual practices involve people.

You may have heard this parable from me before. And I���m sure you will again.

A young boy was walking with his father along a country road. When they came across a very large tree branch, the boy asked, ���Do you think I could move that?���  His father answered, ���If you use all your strength, I���m sure you can.���  The boy tried mightily to lift, pull, and push the branch, but he couldn���t budge it. Discouraged, he said, ���Dad, you were wrong. I can���t do it.?  His dad said, ���Try again.���

This time, as the boy struggled with the task, his father joined him. Together they pushed the branch aside.  ���Son,��� the father said, ���the first time you didn���t use all your strength. You didn���t ask me to help.���

For me to live this brave life���with all of my strength���means I rely on my gift of people. May you find such people for your life.

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