Brenda Seefeldt Amodea's Blog, page 10

The Lie of Forgive and Forget

So much unspoken shame is added to your pain when you are told to forgive and forget. Because you can’t forget. The pain is real. The pain is justified. The pain is also your beginning.

You should not forget. As if you really could. This God-given life is teaching you something. I’m just sorry this betrayal has hurt you so much. This new beginning for you means the ending of a life you used to know. A life you probably still want, at least at this point.

“The brokenhearted are indeed the bravest among us—they dared to love, and they dared to forgive.” –Dr. Brene Brown, Rising Strong

Hello, brave one. I’m asking you to move towards forgiveness. I’m also agreeing that you won’t forget this betrayal. You will not forgive and forget. Your life is forever changed.

Forgiveness and trust are often lumped together and they shouldn’t be.

Forgiveness has to do with the past. Trust has to do with the future. (Trust, Dr. Henry Cloud)

Forgiveness pays a debt. Trust is earned.

Here is where forgiveness and trust cross each other. If you lead your life with unforgiveness you will have a problem with trusting anyone. This will keep you locked up in a small world.

Hello, brave one. The unforgiveness in your life is not your best look. Please move towards forgiveness as hard as it is.

Read also: Bitterness and Revenge Are Not Protecting You Even Though They Feel Like a Friend

If I give you permission to not forgive and forget, do you think you can move towards forgiveness?

To trust again—anyone again—you have to know the track record of the person.

The 5 Essentials of Trust from Dr. Henry Cloud are Understanding, Intent, Ability, Character, and Track Record. (Read more details here.) Each one builds on each other. I am asking you to forgive this person but you aren’t being asked to forget what was done because if trust is to be built again—with anyone—you have to remember the track record.

I may forgive those who have smashed my heart but this doesn’t mean we are back in relationship. We start over with those 5 Essentials of Trust to see if even a relationship is possible. Too often it is not. I count the losses. I grieve the losses. I’ve had so many losses since the covid pandemic has ended. Now I’m trusting God to bring a return of new relationships to my life.

We had a conversation about this at my church. Because this is what we do. Someone mentioned the process he went through to forgive the person who robbed him at gunpoint. He noticed he was beginning to forget this person and what happened. Was this “forgiving and forgetting?” Was this good? Many words of encouragement came back to him. These are signs of him healing because he moved towards forgiveness. And wisdom because he is less naïve.

This is the connection between trust and forgiveness. I am inviting more trusting relationships. I am also not being naïve. I still need this gift of people.

To live this larger and braver life, especially after healing, you will be able to trust again. You will be able to trust again because you are wiser. You simply can’t “forgive and forget” and move on like your heart wasn’t smashed.

Curious question: What is the the agenda of the one who is advising you to “forgive and forget?”

The post The Lie of Forgive and Forget appeared first on Bravester.

Forgiveness Without God

Forgiveness is the heart of God.

When Adam and Eve sinned, they were told they were going to die. But they didn’t. They had to leave the Garden of Eden, they had to suffer the pains of this earth, but they lived to a very old age.

When Cain murders his brother Abel he is told he is going to die. In a mark of mercy and grace, God puts a mark on Cain so that no one will kill him. He lived to a very old age, had children, has a lineage.

In the Gospel stories, Jesus overflows with forgiveness first, then healing.

On the cross, Jesus is in between two guilty criminals. One asks for forgiveness and it is granted at this last minute.

On the cross one of the last things Jesus said was a plea that God forgive those who crucified him.

After the resurrection and before the ascension, in those short days Jesus intentionally forgives Peter and the other disciples.

This is my quick list from the Bible. Forgiveness is the heart of God.

We are living in a post-Christian culture. These are the three popular types of forgiveness now:  

Pressure to nonconditionally forgive:  The victim forgives so that the greater good can move on. This is too often done under pressure from someone leading this greater good. You as the victim never get to grieve what was done to you because you are asked to fast forgive. (Read a good list as to why we fast forgive here.). You are probably also told this lie of “just forgive and forget.”Transactional forgiveness: The offender is run through a gauntlet until he/she is wounded sufficiently. You have the power to make this person earn forgiveness. This feels like justice. Exercising power over someone is not forgiveness. It is another skillfully hidden way to pay people back and get control over them. It is revenge masquerading as virtue.The righteousness to not forgive at all. Note the power here again. Forgiveness supposedly victimizes the victim again. By asking someone to forgive you are adding a new hurt to an already-hurting heart. Plus you might give the offender a way to control you. Forgiveness is supposedly a way abusive people maintain their power so you take away that power by not forgiving them.

Forgiveness is hard. This is why I call it a Bravester virtue. It is one of the bravest things you can do and leads to your braver life. There is lots to read about this here.

What feels off to you about these “new ways” of forgiveness in our post-Christian culture? Can you put your finger on it?

In all three of these models, God is done away with. No need to depend on a Savior who isn’t us.

They all contrast with costly grace which the Bible talks about.

In Tim Keller’s last book, Forgive: Why Should I and How Can I? (where I learned this), he broke these three models of forgiveness into this: 

Cheap grace = The nonconditional-forgiveness model:  The emphasis is on the victim being therapeutically liberated from anger. Confrontation with the offender may be involved, but only if and to the degree it helps with the victim’s inner healing, which is the only concern. This focuses on “forgiving and forgetting” (which is a lie) but does end up letting the offender off the hook.Little grace = The transactional-forgiveness model:  The emphasis is on the offender earning forgiveness. The victim gives up anger only if the offender earns it through extensive acts of repentance and reparation. Only when the offender has suffered enough will I maybe grant forgiveness.No grace = The no-forgiveness model:  Forgiveness is abandoned completely in favor of the pursuit of justice for the victim. Which ends up being revenge which then leads to endless cycles of retaliation and vengeance, back and forth, between the victim and the wrongdoer.Ask yourself this honest question. In your struggles with forgiveness, which lack of grace way are you choosing?

You are choosing this because it feels safer, protective, and you do feel a little bit of power when the betrayal has made you feel so powerless.

Forgiveness is the heart of God and it comes at a great cost. What happened on the cross changed everything.

We are asked to be dependent on this Savior who isn’t us so we can be set free of the destructiveness of sin that isn’t freedom but lies to us that it is.

Christ suffered for our sins once for all time. He never sinned, but he died for sinners to bring you safely home to God. He suffered physical death, but he was raised to life in the Spirit. 1 Peter 3:18

The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God. 1 Corinthians 1:18.

Our savior-less religion, which I call the Religion of Enoughness, is exhausting and empty. When do you know if you are enough? Or have done enough?

What about a dependency on God who has done enough because God loves?

The sign that you have been forgiven is a heightened capacity for love, for grace giving, for forgiving others and an entirely more peaceable life. The more we understand the core of who God is–who is love and justice which means forgiveness–we become more like Jesus which makes the decision of forgiveness more possible.

Forgiveness is God’s gift to human hearts that are prone to turn hurt into hate.

Another honest question to ask yourself. Does the removal of God in forgiveness and justice (God has been removed from justice too) have anything to do with our divided, angry, dehumanizing current culture?

We need a Savior who isn’t us. This is not working.

The post Forgiveness Without God appeared first on Bravester.

The Forgiveness Journey Requires Time

You don’t have to be a fast forgiver. You have permission to take time. Forgiveness is such a loaded word. It has betrayal pain attached to it. It has “supposed to’s” attached to it.

Forgiveness is a journey that begins in pain and ends in hope. Healing from the unfair is the journey. These words are about giving you grace for the journey.  Hint:  Journeys require time.

There are people who forgive too fast. For so many wrong reasons:

Because I am supposed to.Because I’ve been shamed into it.Because I want to move on.This is white-knuckling and doing it anyway.This is punishing myself because I am stuck in my pain.This is done to avoid my pain.This feels responsible.This is done to gain an advantage over the person I am forgiving.Because I’m a good Christian.Because I want the power of the grudge.Because mom made me.Because my intention to is the right thing.To wipe out my emotions.To start the process of grief.This is not honest.This makes things worse.

Did I leave a reason off of the list?

Have you forgiven too fast and have regrets?

Are these reasons why you are stubbornly refusing to forgive? Or feel justified to not forgive?

I am granting you permission to wait with God through the holy tension of forgiveness so healing can really happen.

Author Lisa Pascavis Smith shared this honest moment in the book, Grace Gab, about recovering from her husband’s unfaithfulness:

I knew God was calling me to forgive and show love toward my husband. Like Gideon, I delayed doing what God was calling me to do, and He met me with grace. He allowed me time. It wasn’t that I was being disobedient, just postponing what needed to be done, because I needed time to process my pain. God gave me that grace space. He met me in my heartache and stayed close to me as I walked through the hardest season of my life. –p. 26

Did you notice that God allowed her time to be on the journey of forgiveness? God gave her grace space. Not a “supposed to” command but time to move toward forgiveness.

I have found this to be true every time.

Did you also notice that in that grace space she found God to be close to her?

God is not disappointed in your inability to forgive. God is not aloof until you can forgive and be back in the blessing. God really is close to you in this healing journey. God is leading you every step of the way to the healing point of forgiveness. Because forgiveness is core to the heart of God. The heart of God is to forgive much and to forgive often. It is the very distinctive of God, over the many other universal gods.

Psalm 40:1-3 gives these words of hope and permission to wait and heal. I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.

This is God coming near to you when you can’t do what you know you are supposed to do.

This is God coming near when you are stuck in your pain. That pit of despair is as bad as it sounds. You know it like I know it, right? God has to be near to set my feet on solid ground again and to steady me.

The middle of this journey towards forgiveness is full of mud and mire. It is the pain you wish you weren’t feeling. It is the slow realization of the depth of the betrayal. It is seeing your naivete’ and that makes you feel very stupid. It is also the real fear of not knowing who to trust and the doubt if you can ever trust anyone again.

Verses 3 to 5 are about trust. Because many will see what God has done and be amazed, including me again. From Dr. Henry Cloud’s 5 Essentials of Trust, the last one (with all 5 building onto each other) is track record. You trust again when you can see the track record. When God is near you do see his track record. In the mud and mire it is hard to see the track record though. Right?

Each of the 5 Essentials of Trust (Understanding, Intent, Ability, Character, Track Record) involve time. The healing from betrayal involves time. You have permission to take time to heal. I think Psalm 40 and the whole of the Bible gives you permission to take time to heal.

What about Matthew 6:14-15 and the Lord’s Prayer? “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. 15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This sure sounds like a “supposed to.” It certainly sounds conditional.

When you pray the Lord’s prayer, which may be daily for so many of you, you don’t want to be a liar.

This verse adds pressure to be a fast forgiver.

Let’s zoom out a wee bit. I believe Jesus is saying this is who I am and this work of forgiveness is life-transforming. When you read the life of Jesus, this is certainly who Jesus is.

The sign that you have been forgiven is a heightened capacity for love, for grace giving, for forgiving others and an entirely more peaceable life. The more we understand the core of who God is–who is love and justice which means forgiveness–we become more like Jesus which makes the decision of forgiveness more possible.

This is not conditional. This is the result of growth—imperfect progress growth. We have been granted time to grow.

You know you are moving towards the decision of forgiveness when God stirs it up inside of you. The signal to you is when you realize there is bitterness growing inside of you. You don’t wish to be a bitter person. You wish to be more like Jesus and Jesus forgives. You start believing there is a possibility that you can forgive and free yourself of this pain. You pray the Lord’s Prayer and you know this is now a possibility.

Forgiveness begins in pain and ends in hope. This is the journey.

It may also help to be reminded again of what forgiveness is not:

Letting go of healthy forms of anger.Allowing others to continue to disrespect your needs and boundaries.Lying down and becoming a human doormat.Telling the wrongdoer that the past is no longer significant and everything’s fine now.Agreeing to become best buddies with the wrongdoer.Pretending to go back to normal relations as if nothing happened.Denying that you may still have to live with pain caused by the wrongful deed.Condoning of a bad behavior or the justifying of an offense.Waiting for an apology first, or whether the person will ever be talked to again.Demanding of reconciliation. Reconciliation, which is the coming together again of two upset parties, is not necessarily the outcome of forgiving.Losing.The easy way out. This is one of the bravest things you will ever do.You have permission to take the time to have the possibility of forgiveness stirred up inside of you because you are choosing your imperfect progress growth. Because you are understanding more and more this God of love who oozes forgiveness and grace.I pray you heal from the things no one apologized for.

Hopefully this is more desirable to you than your misery of the unfair that you are carrying around.

Hopefully you want to fling that unfair to the God of Justice.

The God of Justice can make this unfair thing fair again—better than you can. Read Psalm 37:28, Psalm 45;6, Isaiah 5:16, and Isaiah 55:8-11 for specifics on that promise.

There is one thing evil cannot overcome—ever. That is forgiveness. On the cross Jesus declared, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34. 

Evil had no response back. Forgiveness won that day. Evil still has no response to forgiveness. So if you stay in unforgiveness, evil thrives. You have permission to take time to move towards forgiveness to find this freedom that is core to the heart of God.

A Bravester quality is daring to forgive. We understand that it is not easy and that there is vulnerability, thus bravery, involved. This is not a simple command to be obeyed out of the Bible. We also know the beauty of the brave life that follows forgiveness. I choose the beauty.

Read more about the journey: The Journey of Forgiveness.

Read the rest of Psalm 40 to read about the good news of God’s justice, tender mercies, the honesty of losing courage, the prayer for who has destroyed you, and a plea for God to hurry.

The post The Forgiveness Journey Requires Time appeared first on Bravester.

The Forgiveness Journey Requires Time.

You don’t have to be a fast forgiver. You have permission to take time. Forgiveness is such a loaded word. It has betrayal pain attached to it. It has “supposed to’s” attached to it.

Forgiveness is a journey that begins in pain and ends in hope. Healing from the unfair is the journey. These words are about giving you grace for the journey.  Hint:  Journeys require time.

There are people who forgive too fast. For so many wrong reasons:

Because they are supposed to.Because they’ve been shamed into it.Because they want to move on.This is white-knuckling and doing it anyway.This is punishing yourself because you are stuck in your pain.This is done to avoid your pain.This feels responsible.This is done to gain an advantage over the people you forgive.This is not honest.This makes things worse.

Did I leave a reason off of the list?

Have you forgiven too fast and have regrets?

Are these reasons why you are stubbornly refusing to forgive? Or feel justified to not forgive?

I am granting you permission to wait with God through the holy tension of forgiveness so healing can really happen.

Author Lisa Pascavis Smith shared this honest moment in the book, Grace Gab, about recovering from her husband’s unfaithfulness:

I knew God was calling me to forgive and show love toward my husband. Like Gideon, I delayed doing what God was calling me to do, and He met me with grace. He allowed me time. It wasn’t that I was being disobedient, just postponing what needed to be done, because I needed time to process my pain. God gave me that grace space. He met me in my heartache and stayed close to me as I walked through the hardest season of my life. –p. 26

Did you notice that God allowed her time to be on the journey of forgiveness? God gave her grace space. Not a “supposed to” command but time to move toward forgiveness.

I have found this to be true every time.

Did you also notice that in that grace space she found God to be close to her?

God is not disappointed in your inability to forgive. God is not aloof until you can forgive and be back in the blessing. God really is close to you in this healing journey. God is leading you every step of the way to the healing point of forgiveness. Because forgiveness is core to the heart of God. The heart of God is to forgive much and to forgive often. It is the very distinctive of God, over the many other universal gods.

Psalm 40:1-3 gives these words of hope and permission to wait and heal. I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.

This is God coming near to you when you can’t do what you know you are supposed to do.

This is God coming near when you are stuck in your pain. That pit of despair is as bad as it sounds. You know it like I know it, right? God has to be near to set my feet on solid ground again and to steady me.

The middle of this journey towards forgiveness is full of mud and mire. It is the pain you wish you weren’t feeling. It is the slow realization of the depth of the betrayal. It is seeing your naivete’ and that makes you feel very stupid. It is also the real fear of not knowing who to trust and the doubt if you can ever trust anyone again.

Verses 3 to 5 are about trust. Because many will see what God has done and be amazed, including me again. From Dr. Henry Cloud’s 5 Essentials of Trust, the last one (with all 5 building onto each other) is track record. You trust again when you can see the track record. When God is near you do see his track record. In the mud and mire it is hard to see the track record though. Right?

Each of the 5 Essentials of Trust (Understanding, Intent, Ability, Character, Track Record) involve time. The healing from betrayal involves time. You have permission to take time to heal. I think Psalm 40 and the whole of the Bible gives you permission to take time to heal.

What about Matthew 6:14-15 and the Lord’s Prayer? “If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. 15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This sure sounds like a “supposed to.” It certainly sounds conditional.

When you pray the Lord’s prayer, which may be daily for so many of you, you don’t want to be a liar.

This verse adds pressure to be a fast forgiver.

Let’s zoom out a wee bit. I believe Jesus is saying this is who I am and this work of forgiveness is life-transforming. When you read the life of Jesus, this is certainly who Jesus is.

The sign that you have been forgiven is a heightened capacity for love, for grace giving, for forgiving others and an entirely more peaceable life. The more we understand the core of who God is–who is love and justice which means forgiveness–we become more like Jesus which makes the decision of forgiveness more possible.

This is not conditional. This is the result of growth—imperfect progress growth. We have been granted time to grow.

You know you are moving towards the decision of forgiveness when God stirs it up inside of you. The signal to you is when you realize there is bitterness growing inside of you. You don’t wish to be a bitter person. You wish to be more like Jesus and Jesus forgives. You start believing there is a possibility that you can forgive and free yourself of this pain. You pray the Lord’s Prayer and you know this is now a possibility.

Forgiveness begins in pain and ends in hope. This is the journey.

It may also help to be reminded again of what forgiveness is not:

Letting go of healthy forms of anger.Allowing others to continue to disrespect your needs and boundaries.Lying down and becoming a human doormat.Telling the wrongdoer that the past is no longer significant and everything’s fine now.Agreeing to become best buddies with the wrongdoer.Pretending to go back to normal relations as if nothing happened.Denying that you may still have to live with pain caused by the wrongful deed.Condoning of a bad behavior or the justifying of an offense.Waiting for an apology first, or whether the person will ever be talked to again.Demanding of reconciliation. Reconciliation, which is the coming together again of two upset parties, is not necessarily the outcome of forgiving.Losing.The easy way out. This is one of the bravest things you will ever do.You have permission to take the time to have the possibility of forgiveness stirred up inside of you because you are choosing your imperfect progress growth. Because you are understanding more and more this God of love who oozes forgiveness and grace.

Hopefully this is more desirable to you than your misery of the unfair that you are carrying around.

Hopefully you want to fling that unfair to the God of Justice.

The God of Justice can make this unfair thing fair again—better than you can. Read Psalm 37:28, Psalm 45;6, Isaiah 5:16, and Isaiah 55:8-11 for specifics on that promise.

There is one thing evil cannot overcome—ever. That is forgiveness. On the cross Jesus declared, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34. 

Evil had no response back. Forgiveness won that day. Evil still has no response to forgiveness. So if you stay in unforgiveness, evil thrives. You have permission to take time to move towards forgiveness to find this freedom that is core to the heart of God.

A Bravester quality is daring to forgive. We understand that it is not easy and that there is vulnerability, thus bravery, involved. This is not a simple command to be obeyed out of the Bible. We also know the beauty of the brave life that follows forgiveness. I choose the beauty.

Read more about the journey: The Journey of Forgiveness.

Read the rest of Psalm 40 to read about the good news of God’s justice, tender mercies, the honesty of losing courage, the prayer for who has destroyed you, and a plea for God to hurry.

The post The Forgiveness Journey Requires Time. appeared first on Bravester.

30 Bible Verses About Living Slightly Braver

People hurt. Life hurts. I have had my heart smashed and made the brave decisions to get up again. I would like to help you live slightly braver so you can live a larger story. That’s why there are lots of words on this website. We also have God’s word of encouragement to cheer us on to make those brave decisions. I have pulled 30 of my favorite Bible verses from my own Bible reading that I believe encourage us to live slightly braver.

I define bravery as your decisions to actually trust God. That is full of vulnerability because with God there is not the guarantee of the controlled outcome you want. Can you trust God for that larger story even if it is different from the outcome you want?

I have learned from years of God’s faithfulness that I do not need to fear feeling vulnerable but that I can brave up and walk into life because God always carries me through. God’s promises are rich with this. I have learned to trust this Larger Story God.

A broken heart is always a beginning. This pain is a beginning or this pain is a door to distrusting God. I choose these promises.

The Bible is this long up-and-down story of God always being faithful. This is found in the overcomer stories that the Bible includes. This is also found in the dark stories that the Bible also includes.

Reading the Bible takes you low and takes you high and you see God’s faithfulness throughout. Sometimes when you read the Bible you are amazed that God stayed faithful. You read about a God you can trust.

This is why I so often refer to God as the Larger Story God. There is always a larger story unfolding and God is faithful all the way through.

I often learn this on the other side of my pain. Though I am getting better at trusting this while I am in the messy middle of pain.

30 Verses About Living Slightly BraverMay my learned wisdom give you hope to make those daily decisions to live slightly braver. Because I know that God has not abandoned you either.

No, I will not abandon you as orphans—I will come to you. John 14:18

God is for you. God is not angry with you. God is not aloof. The Bible is clear about this.

What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Romans 8:31

God is for you. And he will help you. I wish I could tell you that he will help you in the way you expect or the way you want. This is where the larger story comes in. You do have help because your story is larger than you realize.

Yes, the Lord is for me; he will help me. Psalm 118:7

I want you to notice something about all three of these next verses. What is God’s position? He is drawing nearer to you, even stooping down, because you reached out. God is not a stupid God, he is a stooping God.

I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray. Psalm 17:6

He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters. Psalm 18:16

I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath! Psalm 116:1-2

God’s hold on you is stronger than your hold on him. And he has no intention of letting you go. God is in this with you to the end of this larger story.

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. Ephesians 3:18

God’s hold on you is stronger than your roller coaster. You know your up-and-down and in-and-out decisions. Why would God continue to hold on to inconsistent you?

Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that his kindness is intended to turn you from your sin? Romans 2:4

God has a bigger purpose for you and your life than whatever you are going through. Your life is a story that goes way past the chapter you are in now.

The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way? Proverbs 20:24

The Lord is watching everywhere, keeping his eye on both the evil and the good. Proverbs 15:3

Pain is not a mistake to fix. Pain is temporary and redeemable. God redeems every bit of it.

I am worn out from sobbing. All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears. My vision is blurred by grief; my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies. Go away, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer. Psalm 6:6-9

God cares that you hurt so much. How close does God have to be to you to catch your tears? How much can be redeemed when every tear is recorded?

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8

God promises to you a love and peace beyond understanding, even in the depths of your pain.

Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7

This promise may be my favorite promise in the entire Bible. I wish I was exempt from pain, especially as a Christian, but God hard-wired us to handle pain. And this is the promise that tells me that I am made to grow.

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

What do I mean by being made to grow? That I can live slightly braver from brave decision to brave decision to brave decision? Pain is my beginning.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. Romans 5:3-5

Do you see the progression of pain to endurance to strength of character to hope? Whether you have read a biography or know the story of someone you respect, you see this progression from pain as the beginning in their larger stories. This endurance and strength of character and the hope they give you is why you want them in your life. You also can live your life this way. Consider your pain your beginning and grow.

God is close to you in this pain. This is a promise oft-repeated throughout the Bible, like in the very popular Psalm 23.

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. Psalm 23:4

This is another favorite Psalm. God has always remained close to me through my larger story which has lots of pain. Or is it because I make these slightly braver decisions that God feels close to me? This is his promise after all. Do those who dare to live slightly braver also know deep down that God is close to them thus they can make those brave decisions?

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18

Five more promises for you that God is on the side of the broken.

He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds. Psalm 147:3

God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. 2 Corinthians 1:3

I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul. Psalm 31:7

The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time. Psalm 34:19

Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice. Psalm 55:17

Speaking of those long haunts of the night, God is with you in that darkness too.

As the people stood in the distance, Moses approached the dark cloud where God was. Exodus 20:21

Because God is with me in my decisions to live slightly braver, I can dare to love and dare to forgive.

Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Romans 12:9-10

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Colossians 3:13

May you feel the possibility. May you start making that brave decision to brave decision to brave decision. This is how you live slightly braver.

Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you. Philippians 4:9

God sees your larger story and has you in mind.

The Lord says, “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8

God will do this, for he is faithful to do what he says, and he has invited you into partnership with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. 1 Corinthians 1:9

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1

My 30th promise for you is my blessing to you as you decide to live slightly braver.

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

In my life of choosing to live slightly braver, I have learned a lot about hope. Hope is not a wish nor is it a prayer. God is the source of hope but hope can’t be off-loaded to God. Hope involves me and my vulnerability. Hope doesn’t ignore fear, anxiety, and doubt; hope confronts them. You can see the markings of hope in my bloody fists as I’ve hung tightly to this Larger Story God.

May you learn from the Bible how to make small, deliberate tweaks to your thinking because you choose to give God more credibility than everyone else. Welcome to a slightly braver life.

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A Good Match is Not Enough for a Relationship to be a Good Match

This can also be titled “When can I know to trust someone I am dating.”

We date to “move towards” someone special. This is what Dr. Henry Cloud has to say about the basicness of trust:

“Trust sends a signal to our entire being that says, ‘Move forward.’ When we trust, we move toward a person, a group, a deal, a company, or whatever the object of our trust may be, and invest our hearts, time, energy, love or wallets. When we don’t trust, we get a strong internal message in the opposite direction: ‘Move away.’” –Dr. Henry Cloud, Trust:  Knowing When to Give It, When to Withhold It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It When It Gets Broken, p. 2

We have to date people to know who to move towards. This is a brave dating practice. Read more:

“Only Date Someone You Would Consider Marrying.” (Bad advice.)

Maybe Coffee is Just Coffee (And Not Your Love of a Lifetime)

The wise Dr. Henry Cloud has created these five essentials which can help you determine if you can trust someone. This can be a new friend, a business partner, or maybe a love for a lifetime. These can also be applied as you are learning to trust God again—or to trust God for the first time.

Intent — You’ll trust when you know someone’s motives are good.

Understanding — You’ll trust when you feel someone understands you.

Ability — You’ll trust when someone has the ability to do what you need them to do. A surgeon, for example, should know how to perform an operation.

Character — You’ll trust when someone’s character reveals traits such as honesty, love, compassion, mercy, courage, patience, etc.

Track Record —You’ll trust someone based on their past behavior. –Dr. Henry Cloud, Trust

So when you actually go on a date with someone, like a coffee date, you are getting to know this person’s intent towards you and to see if you are understood. This is what those first conversations are about.

It is so wonderful to have someone’s full attention! It is so wonderful to be heard! Often we so appreciate the attention to our stories–or are enamored with the attention–that we start trusting this person we’ve had more than one date with. But as you can see from these very practical essentials this is only the beginning of trust. Each one of these essentials build to the next one.

Intent builds to understanding.

So hard question for you:  Have you ever dated someone who you were attracted to, had good conversations with, but when you went home you still felt alone?

Is this because you are not understood? Is much of your conversation about you trying to be heard but this person is not really listening? Or putting you into the box he/she wants you in? Or is conversating with you to persuade you? You have his/her attention but it is not with any understanding of who you are. Pay attention to that loneliness. This is a red flag.

Understanding builds to ability.

You may have a wonderful connection with someone but here is where things can go awry. Because this person may not have the ability to be in a relationship with you. It may be as simple (and painfully difficult) as a location problem. It may be that this person isn’t a Christian. It may also be that this person does not have the ability to resolve conflict in a healthy way. Or does not have the ability to be resilient under stress. Or does not have the ability to be financially responsible.

Love is not enough for a relationship to be a good match.  

I think ability is the one area we (too many of us) excuse away to keep a relationship.

Thus we feel heartbroken when we should have seen the red flag. And that red flag doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. He just doesn’t have the ability, for one of 100 reasons.

Ability builds to character.

You are now getting to know this person. You are growing to get to know this person beyond the rush of the attention of those many first dates. You may be thinking that you wouldn’t be dating this person if he/she didn’t already have good character. That was important to you before you had the first date.

Character is more than morality or good ethics. As Dr. Henry Cloud repeats often, not lying, cheating and stealing are “permission to play” traits. You need to know about this part of someone’s character before you start dating. But this is not enough.

Time reveals the rest of a person’s character such as virtue, self-control, perseverance, godliness, responsibility, and kindness.

Someone can have those “permission to play” traits and you can still have the feeling that this person can’t be trusted. This is because this person doesn’t really understand you. Trust is the confidence that someone will guard what is important to you, what you need, possess, or desire. Whatever your interests are, someone you trust will safeguard the interests you entrust to them.

The last essential is track record.

Time is needed for this one too. This is having the ability for a relationship and having the character and track record to back that up.

Your team can also help greatly here. They know you and want the best for you so they will tell you the things you are lying to yourself about to stay in this relationship.

It was my team that convinced me to marry John. His track record was two divorces and I had never even been engaged. Why would I be interested in someone like him? I wasn’t, honestly. We were friends and my friends knew him. They were the ones who convinced me that his divorces were no longer a part of his track record, mostly due to the work God was doing in his life because they knew him too. Time was allowed for that. My friends were obviously right and I’m so grateful for their persistence and willingness to say the things I didn’t always want to hear.

Because this is all about trust, right? Trust is so core to finding your love for a lifetime. Trust is essential for a thriving marriage in so many many many ways.

You need to have each one of these essentials and to build on them which takes time to know if this is a good match. If something is off, pay attention to that–now.

Stop playing this this trick on yourself–I will only think of the good parts of him/her trick. That feeling in your gut that something is off is likely because something is off. When you ignore that feeling and start remembering the only good parts of him/her trick, you begin to miss someone who does not exist. You focus just on the parts that you like and fail to look at the whole of the person, which includes the negatives which time has revealed to not be a match for you. Time has revealed that you can’t trust this person. Sometimes even if this person is a really good guy. So you never make the ending because you feel like you are losing something wonderful. But this person you are really in love with does not actually exist. This is the lie you keep telling yourself, probably because you do feel so understood–at least sometimes and you hope that this will always be enough.

Time and trust issues will reveal that this will never be enough. You will become even lonelier after you are married to a bad match.

There is some hard truth in this article. Sorry/not sorry. I hope you have other people in your life who will also tell you this hard truth. You can trust those people–probably because of their intent towards you, their character, their ability and their track record.

We see you and think you are pretty special enough to tell you these hard truths.

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Find a Church Like This

This is a journalistic article from Christianity Today about how youth ministry helps grow a teen’s faith. As you will learn when you will read, it involves you and it involves the entire church family. Find a church that allows teens to be part of the life of the whole church.

Youth Pastors Ditch Gross-Out Games and Help Student Ministry Grow Up

When I say journalistic, I mean this is a researched article, not an opinion piece.

Here is one bit of research from the article:

“In the 2021 book Handing Down the Faith: How Parents Pass Their Religion to the Next Generation, researchers found that the most powerful influence on the faith lives of American teenagers and young adults ‘is the religious lives of their parents.’

“The authors identified three factors in determining whether an adult child remains in their faith past high school. Those factors include:

If the family attends church at least once a weekIf the parents reported that their religious faith was ‘extremely’ importantHow often they have conversations about religious matters

“In other words, keeping kids in their faith into adulthood is nearly impossible without parental commitment.

“’If parents would increase the frequency of those conversations by just one standard deviation,’ said Andrew Zirschky, research professor in youth ministry at Austin Seminary. ‘They will have a 66 percent reported increase in their reported level of faith in 10 years.’”

Did that catch your attention? Because you will have read that here many times at Bravester.

Parent Are Number 1 

Why as a Youth Pastor I Put So Much Work into the Moms 

The Cradle to Adulthood Pipeline is Broken 

Home Bible Teaching is Now the Thing 

And many more. This is what Brave Parenting is all about. 

Prior to Bravester I wrote youth ministry resources banging this very drum. I wrote two cover articles for Group Magazine (THE youth ministry magazine back in the day) in the 2000s. I wrote for all the then youth ministry publications repeating what I was learning. Some of the things I wrote (and have ownership of):

In 2007 I created a list to help youth pastors incorporate their teens better into the life of the church – Challenge: To Get Your Youth to Gain From Sunday ChurchIn 2006 I wrote about what is wrong when a youth ministry is centered on a personality instead of the church family – The Bummer Realities of Brenda-Centered Youth Ministry In 2005 I wrote about the research I was just reading about – The Not Abandoning Church 

I am banging my drum loudly–and with some bragging–in this article because I have been saying this since 1996! After having my own ministry crisis moment and spending time in a wrestling season with God. Why were my own beloved teens from my church leaving after high school graduation? Was a relationship with me not enough? What about their relationship with Jesus? What about their positive memories? No, it wasn’t. It was then that I shifted all of my priorities to better equipping of the parents.

Heartbreak is always a beginning.

May I encourage you yet again to have more conversations with your teens about faith and doubt.

May I also encourage you to find a church that doesn’t “silo” the teens from the life of the church but has place for them in the center of the church.

This will make a longer life impact than cool youth pastor Brenda. (I still think I’m cool.) To opinionated me, it is worth making a church change over. Or worth the reason to get you and your family back into church.

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The Women Who Stayed

This is for us women who are deciding to support each other and not be the “mean girl” any longer.

The resurrection of Jesus is this beautiful and amazing story. The first witnesses to all of it is the women who stayed with Jesus and the relationships they had with each other.

John 19:25 – Standing near the cross were Jesus’ mother, and his mother’s sister, Mary (the wife of Clopas), and Mary Magdalene.

Of course we know that the men scattered. Except John because he is also mentioned in John 19. The women—together—stayed through the entire horror of the crucifixion.

Matthew 27:57-61 – As evening approached, Joseph, a rich man from Arimathea who had become a follower of Jesus, 58 went to Pilate and asked for Jesus’ body. And Pilate issued an order to release it to him. 59 Joseph took the body and wrapped it in a long sheet of clean linen cloth. 60 He placed it in his own new tomb, which had been carved out of the rock. Then he rolled a great stone across the entrance and left. 61 Both Mary Magdalene and the other Mary were sitting across from the tomb and watching.

After watching the horror of the crucifixion, the women continued to stay close to the scene—together.  

Mark 16:1-4 – Saturday evening, when the Sabbath ended, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome went out and purchased burial spices so they could anoint Jesus’ body. 2 Very early on Sunday morning just at sunrise, they went to the tomb. 3 On the way they were asking each other, “Who will roll away the stone for us from the entrance to the tomb?” 4 But as they arrived, they looked up and saw that the stone, which was very large, had already been rolled aside.

The women were together, planning and preparing. Notice the relationship they had with each other.

Luke 24:9-10 – So they rushed back from the tomb to tell his eleven disciples—and everyone else—what had happened. 10 It was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and several other women who told the apostles what had happened.

The women knew first. Together the women knew first and then spread the good news. This is the good news that changed my life.

These women were in relationship with each other. Notice how they stayed together after Jesus died. Did they go to one person’s home and sit together in lost disbelief? Did being together help them process their grief? Did they stay together to practice Sabbath together? When did the men join or rejoin them? Did they help the men process their grief?

It was the women—together—who came up with the plan to give Jesus a proper burial. Did this idea to give Jesus a proper burial come from trying to process their collective grief? What conversations were had as they were collecting the spices and oil for this proper burial? Did the preparation for this new goal of honoring Jesus’ dead body give them some purpose in their grief?

Did any of them secretly believe that Jesus would rise from the dead? Is this why they went so early? Did they talk about that possibility together? What was their conversation about on the way to the tomb? Was there any conversation? We know one question was, “Who will roll away the stone for us from the entrance to the tomb?”

On the way from the tomb what was their conversation? “Jesus is alive!” “I knew it!” “Can you believe what an angel looks like?”

Can you imagine the emotions in those moments? All of the emotions? Can you imagine sharing those emotions in the safety of other women?

The women who followed Jesus—all the way to the foot of the cross and then to the tomb—were in relationship with each other. They weren’t competing to get Jesus’ attention at the expense of the other. They weren’t grouping into gossipy cliques. They weren’t threatened by the other. They weren’t criticizing the color choice of their head coverings. They didn’t communicate with eye rolls.

I actually can’t say I know this for sure. I am making a solid guess that they were so sure of who they were because they knew how Jesus saw them that none of this “women drama” was necessary to create their own powerful identity.

Because you know today that every eye roll is really saying “I need some power in this moment to know that I matter.”

These women’s insecurities were healed because of their proximity to Jesus. They recognized their power—in a time when women had very little power—and used it without devouring the other women in the group. They used their power together.

This is the beautiful gift of people. Women, we can have this with each other.

We don’t need be defined by comparing ourselves to each other. Our insecurities can be healed when we learn how Jesus sees us. This healing can help us bravely lean into vulnerability with each other. To risk the fear of gossip. To risk the possibility of having an honest moment of sharing true emotions and then leaving that honest moment trusting that it won’t show up on someone’s Instagram story. To find the beauty of our strength when we are together as women figuring life out.

People are a part of our spiritual formation. Women, we need each other in ways that only women need.

I am willing to risk the hurt from other women to have women in my life. This is a brave decision but my identity is in Jesus so I want to do more brave things with women alongside with me.

What if we see an angel also? What if we—together—can show the broken world Jesus in his truthful beauty?

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Pain is a Meeting Place with God

This pain can heal or this pain can separate me.

This pain is my beginning or this pain is a door to distrusting God.

Two different perspectives with two very different outcomes. I have the autonomy to decide which one. This is my brave decision.

My pain leads me to an honest question. How can God allow this horrible thing?

I cannot figure God out. God is supposed to be good. But this God is unpredictable. I love God whom I love and who breaks my heart. Why?

My mind wanders to thoughts of disbelief in God because that makes more sense to me than believing in God who would allow this horrible. The thought that God chooses to not protect me or abandons me in my depth of despair sends me into deeper despair. I can’t bear it. Therefore, God must not exist. The “God gig” is up.

This disbelief becomes a solace. It is more comfortable than the abandonment that I am feeling. It also appears to be the safest option. My heart is already so smashed and trying to figure out why God allowed this horrible to happen smashes my heart even more.

Disbelief in God–or another option of creating a smaller God with my own rules–makes more sense to me than believing in God who would allow this horrible.

I have been here, more than once. This is where I have learned that pain is a meeting place with God. It is a place of the truest honesty.

In that pit of despair is my meeting place with God. This is my hope having bloody fists.

In that pit of despair from the horrible thing that is real (it really happened to me, I can’t minimize it away), it really feels like God has abandoned me. I do tell myself lies so I can figure out what happened. Loneliness lies too. People become scary because I don’t want them to know my dark thoughts. Or my raging anger at God. Despair does a darn good job at keeping me small and in that pit.

In my truest honesty, I let go of my “supposed to’s.” I let go of my control. I ask all of my questions. I feel all of the emotions, especially the painful and hopeless one of despair.

From that pit of despair, God meets me and I see beauty. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. Psalm 40:2.God draws near to lift me.

There is no other way to pull me out. God has to come near. God does come near. I can testify that he has. God leads me to solid ground—that solid ground is rarely what I expected. Hence why my “supposed to’s” keep God small.

For me to be steadied as I walk along, God has to be close to steady me. Continually.

When I allow God to lead me out from my haze of despair, I am amazed at the gifts of beauty. Often they come in people’s faces. People’s faces who did not give me platitudes or drive-by prayers.

“When there is a storm, believe God. When there is stillness, believe God. He is too holy to deceive. Too holy to lead you anywhere but to truth. When God tells you to ‘cast your cares on him because he cares for you,’ he is not lying. 1 Peter 5:7. There is no deceit found in his mouth then; search for it now and you will only find light. He can be trusted with our cares because a holy God cannot be an apathetic God.”

–Jackie Hill Perry, Holier Than Thou, p. 59

Pain is a meeting place with God who is not apathetic.

But sheesh, this horrible broke me. And made me. This is what the beautiful people know. You can’t reason this out of us because we have seen God in that pit of despair with us. We have seen God be near and holy, bigger and lower.

Pain has beauty in it. Beauty seeps out when your decisions of bravery define you. When you choose vulnerability over numbing. When you allow the beauty of pain to shape you. This shape often has the form of Jesus. In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation. 1 Peter 5:10. There is that promise again of God drawing near to you and placing you on a firm foundation.

This is what the beautiful people know.

“The deepest things that I have learned in my own life have come from the deepest suffering.”

–Elizabeth Elliott

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Home Bible Teaching is Now the Thing

I can date myself. I grew up in Sunday school classrooms that sang the hokiest of songs but songs that also taught us the Bible. We sang “Zacchaeus Was a Wee Little Man” and “Rejoice in the Lord Always.” That last one was done in round when we had a good song leader. If you are my age, one of those songs just got earwormed into your head. If you are younger than me, YouTube will earworm that song for you. It is how I remember many Bible stories and verses.

These hokey songs were later replaced with more modern versions and many many Veggietales songs.

Songs can do this for us. Songs from our childhood help us remember Bible stories, verses, and Bible truths long into our adulthood.

This is not true for many of Gen Z and Gen Alpha. Because they aren’t being dragged to church and children’s church like we used to be.

My ministry friend, Rick Lawrence, wrote this about some new research.

“As ministry leaders, we’ve embraced a common narrative about the exodus of young people and young adults from the church—we know this generation is fed up with the church’s hypocrisy, disinterest in social justice, and general irrelevance. But a new study by the American Enterprise Institute, a conservative-leaning Washington DC think-tank, reveals a more nuanced picture…

“’Young adults today have had entirely different religious and social experiences than previous generations did,’ writes the Institute’s Director of the Survey Center on American Life, Daniel A. Cox. ‘The parents of millennials and Generation Z did less to encourage regular participation in formal worship services and model religious behaviors in their children than had previous generations. Many childhood religious activities that were once common, such as saying grace, have become more of the exception than the norm…’

“…The factors driving what researchers call ‘disaffiliation’ are more diverse than our narratives typically include, and are important to pay attention to as we consider shifts in our calling…

“Childhood experiences of a ‘robust’ faith, anchored in the authentic relationship with God modeled by parents, fuel a lifetime trajectory in the church. Cox says, ‘If someone had robust religious experiences growing up, they are likely to maintain those beliefs and practices into adulthood. Without robust religious experiences to draw on, Americans feel less connected to the traditions and beliefs of their parents’ faith… [And] there is little evidence to suggest that Americans who have disaffiliated will ever return.’“Involvement in ‘formal religious activities’ is much less common for young people today than a generation ago. Almost two-thirds of Boomers attended religious services with their parents, but that drops to 45 percent for Millennials and 40 percent for Gen Z. Sunday school participation reveals a similar gap—again, almost two-thirds of Boomers attended some kind of religious education program, while only four out of ten Millennials (43 percent) and Gen Zers (42 percent) have done the same.“Involvement in ‘informal religious activities’ at home have actually been more common for young people than a generation ago. Fewer than one out of five Boomers (17 percent) say they read Scripture or religious stories with their families once a week, but a quarter of Millennials (24 percent) and Gen Zers (21 percent) said so.“Weak involvement in a relational faith as a child leads to a slow decline in interest and engagement in the church. Cox says: ‘Most Americans who have disaffiliated from their childhood religion cannot point to a single event or incident that precipitated their departure. Rather, most say they gradually drifted away or, at some point, decided they no longer believed in their religion’s teachings or beliefs.’“The level of warmth and closeness kids experience with their parents is an important factor in their decision to stay with or leave the church. More than half of those who stayed involved in their church into adulthood (54 percent) say they turned to their parents first when they had a problem. Just forty-one percent of those who left their faith said the same.“Kids raised in theologically liberal homes are four times more likely to leave the church later on than kids raised in theologically conservative homes. Just over three in ten people who were raised in a theologically liberal tradition (31 percent) have left the church. In contrast, fewer than one in ten people from conservative homes (7 percent) have disaffiliated.“Once their family disaffiliates, kids raised in those homes tend to stay disaffiliated into adulthood. ‘One of the most significant changes in patterns of religious change is the rising retention rate of nonreligious Americans,’ says Cox. ‘Today, nearly two-thirds (65 percent) of Americans who report having no childhood religious affiliation say they still are unaffiliated as adults, rivaling that of established religious traditions… Over the past 15 years, the retention rate for religiously unaffiliated Americans increased by nearly 20 points.’”

Source: https://vibrantfaith.org/the-future-of-faith/

Those bullet points are full of bad news. The kind of bad news that your soul has already known, just now backed by research. I hope you discuss this research with your parenting partner. Feel the holy tension of it.

But did you notice that there is an increase in younger parents doing “informal religious activities” in the home? An increase. But then you know this because you had to figure something out for your children during the pandemic. You had to face your insecurities and find some sort of rhythm of spiritual practice in your home. May I encourage you to continue to do so? It is the difference maker. It is better than 100 Veggietales songs (though you can play those songs in your home over and over again and consider this as something good.)

My friend, Rick Lawrence, who is in a position of influence greater than me, is creating resources with these two focuses:

Shifting our attention from the church to the home as the focus of our equipping, creativity, and pastoral innovation.Focusing on both parents’ vertical relationship with God and their horizontal relationship with their kids is key to the crucial process of identifying as a follower of Jesus into adulthood. This means we treat the pastoring of parents as an intentional emphasis, and the mentoring of parents as “warm and authoritative” influencers in the home as a priority.

Your home as a place of faith formation matters. Your influence on your child matters–for generations to come.

What can I do to encourage you more? Please try something. There is probably a retired flannelgraph somewhere you can use for teaching Bible stories.

Read also: The Cradle to Adulthood Pipeline is Broken

Why as a Youth Pastor I Put So Much Work into the Moms (Statistics Tell Me So)

Making Bible Reading a Family Practice

Teens Learn Hope from Parents

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