Brenda Seefeldt Amodea's Blog, page 8

Today’s Teens Have No Social Obligation to Go to Church

I have been a youth pastor my whole adult life, which means it has been a long time of going to church. Through the 1980s, 1990s, 2000s, 2010s, and now the 2020s. I’ve seen a lot change from serving Gen Xers, Millennials (what happened to the Gen Yers?), Gen Zers, and I hope Gen Alpha. I summarize these many changes in this clever article.

Something happened after the 1990s era of youth ministry that led these now parents to not prioritize church attendance for them and thus their children. I have my well-lived and well-researched reasons as to why. This is not the space for that. There is already too much space being taken up on the internet and podcast world about this.

I know, since I’m still in this youth ministry space, that today’s teens have no social obligation to go to church. Their friends aren’t there. They aren’t judged as “bad Christians” for not being in church. If they want to learn about Jesus, they can find one million resources on their smartphone.

This is also true. Research is showing that teens do want to know more about Jesus. Jesus is intriguing to them.

In this crazy world of increased anxiety everywhere, teens are also looking for sacred spaces. According to this research, seeking sacred spaces helps teens:

feel connected to the divine and others in new and different waysfind a space to reflect on and process new experiencesbetter understand themselves and the world around themexperience the emotions that contribute to overall well-beingSome teens are finding their church to be this sacred space. Too many teens are not; haven’t considered the church; and haven’t considered trying a church as a possibility.

In the yesteryears of say the 1980s, going to church was a regular practice for the majority so church being a sacred space was a consideration. Today, this is not true. The word is out that we are okay if we don’t go to church. Worse, that church isn’t a sacred space.

This is not an article about defending the Church or guilting anyone back into church attendance. I’m a pastor still so that should say enough about where I’m coming from.

Teens are under no social obligation to go to church. This thought gives us, especially you parents, a new opportunity.

Teens are looking for this loving, trustworthy, wise, and just Jesus. Teens seek sacred spaces to help them process this complicated life.What if teens could discover this Jesus without the end times prophecy fears and behavior modification teachings?What if church wasn’t a numbing experience?

Mike Cosper wrote this for Christianity Today,

“So we embrace image-magnifying video to project larger-than-life pastors and worship leaders, never asking what other messages a technology mostly used at rock concerts and political rallies might be communicating. We import chest-rattling subwoofers and fog machines. Leaders read on stage from smartphones and tablets. Worship ministries distribute style guides for what band members should wear onstage (I am not making this up), and we gather in windowless, climate-controlled environments that stop time like movie theaters and casinos.” 

Where is the sacred? Church has become a wall of noise. Even announcements are programmed. Where is the space for the sacred?

What if church provided space for silence, to breathe? To have a reason to turn off the smartphone?What if church provided a place for learning, not telling?

Teens become committed to what they are learning. Learning is a growth mindset. Learning means the learner has some buy-in to the process. Learning means the learner will have the discomfort of learning something new.

Being told the things doesn’t provide learning.

What if church provided the intergenerational relationships that teens desire?This is a church teens would have no social obligation to attend but would want to attend. To find the sacred space to rest their anxious souls.

Find a church like this. Have the faith conversations with your teen. Please.

Read also: Find a Church Like This.

The post Today’s Teens Have No Social Obligation to Go to Church appeared first on Bravester.

Why the Sexual Revolution Has Hurt Our Souls and Bodies

I do not know enough to answer this moral and philosophical statement but I will be quoting someone who does.

What I do know is what I hear in my 40+ years of ministry. And what so many studies keep figuring out. Like this new study that found having multiple sexual partners during the dating years leads to higher divorce rates in future marriages. But that’s not all. “Sexually inexperienced” individuals, or those who have only had sex with their spouse, are most likely to be flourishing in marriage.  These “sexually inexperienced” individuals report the highest levels of relationship satisfaction, relationship stability, sexual satisfaction, and emotional closeness with their spouses. Source.

The broken-hearted stories I pastorally counsel and these many studies tell me that our casual attitudes about sex are having negative ramifications on our souls and our bodies.

We know this in our souls and our bodies but the culture doesn’t affirm this. You keep pushing through the way our “sexually active” culture says it is supposed to be. You wonder if perhaps something is wrong with you and not the culture. So you shut down what your soul and body are saying to you.

Someone who has wrestled with this failure of the sexual revolution is Louise Perry. She published a surprising successful book called, The Case Against the Sexual Revolution. Louise Perry was raised in an agnostic environment and believed the culture got it right. Until she decided to think deeper.

This article is leading you to listen to this thoughtful interview with Louise Perry and Justin Brierley.

https://justinbrierley.com/surprisingrebirth/episode-11-the-sexual-revolution-why-louise-perry-changed-her-mind-the-surprising-rebirth-of-belief-in-god-podcast

Note: This is a scripted podcast series with interviews from many people all making this case. Enchanting.

Here are some bullet-pointed moments to peak your interest:

“We have a deep intuitive feeling that sex is special for some reason. It may be that has evolved in us for some reason. Regardless, that’s how human beings feel about it. And if you go around trying to pretend otherwise you will generally make yourself miserable and other people miserable. There are some women for whom they really can enjoy casual sex like that, who can ‘have sex like a man’ (that’s the expression used in Sex In The City). But the vast majority of women actually don’t feel like that. What they will normally end up feeling is deep instinctive feelings of discomfort and distress which are very difficult to articulate.”“I think the real losers from the sexual revolution in particular are poor women. There are some ways in which women are inherently more vulnerable than men in all times and places. We are smaller physically than men; we are more vulnerable to violence; we get pregnant, which is a joy and a wonder but also bring with it all sorts of pain and vulnerability. Poor women are particularly vulnerable because the sex industry has always been the terrible threat hanging above poor women’s heads. What we see in the sexual revolution is not an attempt to protect women from that fate, but a repackaging of it–‘sex work is empowering’–and all that liberal gloss over what is actually any ancient form of exploitation and oppression.”Louise Perry has wrestled and realized that there have in fact been two sexual revolutions. The revolution of the 20th century in which technology such as the pill broke the link between sex and childbirth, and changing social mores did away with the requirement for monogamy and marriage. For all its advantages in breaking stigma and shame around women’s sexuality, Perry says that the consequent enormous rise of the porn industry, the commodification and de-personalized nature of sex, and the subsequent rise of the surrogacy industry has also come at a huge cost for women, men and children. She has been increasingly arguing that we need a return to the first sexual revolution–when Christians changed the Greco-Roman culture, insisting that sex was not just about recreation or the powerful exploiting the weak–but was something sacred that required consent, love and faithfulness and was aimed at raising children within a family unit.“The idea that a slave woman’s sexual violation is abhorrent. That’s an idea that comes from Christianity and was absolutely not universally recognized in the ancient world or many other cultures. I really do think that feminism comes out of Christianity and is completely reliant on Christian moral principles.”

(All quotes from Justin Brierley email, January 31, 2024)

Somehow 51% of adults under the age of 30 believe that open marriage is acceptable. Source. Would this opinion change when we realize that open marriage is only good for the one who has the power? Have we been sold this lie from those who want to keep their power? Listen to the podcast.

Listen to your soul. Listen to your body. Have a little vanity. Recognize that you are worth more than the compromising you are doing to have lukewarm sex just to “get it over with.” Recognize that you do want a secure connection that is a love for a lifetime. And recognize that the God of our Bible got it right. There is a reason the first sexual revolution brought human dignity to the world, which was a new thing. This Judeo-Christian ethic has permeated the world and it is based on a value of human dignity.

This “Jesus way” is good for your soul and body and for those who have lesser power. The “Jesus way” is good for all.

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Be the Brave Compassionate Friend (Feel the Pain)

Mark 9:14-29 tells this story of this father who cared for a son who was tormented by seizures and by a spirit of self-destruction. The boy needed constant watching because he would throw himself into fire or water to self-harm. This father was “on” all of the time to keep his son alive. This father was desperate to save his son and desperate for rest himself. So he brought the boy to the spiritual leaders for help.

This is how the story opens. We see these spiritual leaders arguing about how to help the boy. Instead of helping the boy or the father they are spewing their wise words to offer advice and point fingers. They probably offered some platitudes and a drive-by prayer. But they never entered into the pain of the father or the boy. They showed little compassion. Even the disciples of Jesus removed themselves from the pain of the father and the boy by entering into the knowledge debate.

Meanwhile the father is desperate. These spiritual leaders didn’t understand his pain.

Jesus enters the holy church huddle and says, “You faithless people! How long must I be with you? How long must I put up with you? Bring the boy to me.” V. 19.

Yikes. Not what anyone wanted to hear.

But then Jesus turns to the father and shows compassion asking, “How long has this been happening?” V. 21.

Finally the father feels heard. Feels seen. Like there might be some hope.

With just that flicker of hope the father cries out, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” v. 24.

Hardly a profound statement. Hardly a bold declaration of faith. Or is it?

We are a mix of fear and faith.This is exactly how I feel when my heart is smashed. I believe God is for me but right now I believe God has abandoned me.

This is why platitudes don’t touch my pain. This is why drive-by prayers are appreciated (because I do believe prayer changes things) but I am also so overwhelmed in my pain that I don’t see the end of my pain. I am a desperate mess and I need someone to see this mess with me.

Has anyone ever told you that your pain is too loud? 

Do you feel like you are one who people avoid?

People avoid you—or really your pain—because:They are not comfortable with pain. It makes their world uncertain.Their own doubts about God are triggered. To see your pain triggers doubts that God is cruel.They want to use some sort of invulnerable magic to take away your pain. When that didn’t work, they are uncomfortable.They minimize your pain.They believe you cannot be angry at God. That we should not question God.

All of these are not helpful when you just want this pain to end and to know that God did not abandon you. Can someone see you in this?

We need this gift of people who are not afraid of our pain. I wrote a book to help you become that kind of person. There are 3 pages of a list that is very helpful. We have enough holy huddles of advice and finger pointing.

To be this kind of friend to me means you are not afraid of your pain either. The Bible says that God places words and commandments for kindness and decency upon our hearts. Why are these words placed upon our hearts and not into our hearts? It is because we keep our hearts closed by being busy or tired or distracted.

So the holy words are placed on top of our hearts and there they stay until that one day when my heart breaks and the words fall in.

I am not afraid of your pain. May you find people in your life who are not afraid of your pain and who will carry you through until you can declare bravely, “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!”

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Catastrophizing Your Maybe Relationship

When you are in love, your brain changes. You also believe that the birds are singing for you personally. When you are in love, suddenly the world is a better place. The world is better because love is a brave decision. And your brain is changed.

Joy always involves relationships. Now you have “the one” and you feel like joy is pouring out of your pores.

Unless you suffer from foreboding joy and you start to feel dread that this beautiful “one” is going to break your heart.

So you start catastrophizing to protect your heart.

The three parts of your brain that become activated when you are in love are pleasure, risk, and attachment. Watch this TedTalk from Dr. Helen Fisher about the science. You feel the truth of this TedTalk because the risk of love is real.

“Love is a homeostatic imbalance.”

–Dr. Helen Fisher

Who likes to live in imbalance?

No wonder love is a brave decision.

Foreboding joy is a protective and justified behavior. When you feel joy, you believe that every traffic light is turning green because you are having a good day. Foreboding joy is “I’m not worthy of having this joy so I must sabotage it before life sabotages me.” Because certainly I’m not worthy enough to have this good thing happen to me. Those green lights I’m driving through are just leading me into a 5-car smash up.

The root here is do you believe you are worthy of feeling joy? Do you believe you are worthy?

For those who struggle with foreboding joy, you sabotage feeling pleasure, you want to avoid risk, and your attachments leave you full of insecurity. Which leads you to protect your heart so you catastrophize relationships too early.

Like this woman:

Personally I think this might be a green light. Someone who doesn’t derive an identity from social media? Someone who will put down his/her phone over dinner with you? Someone who doesn’t have to document every minute of his/her life?

Over on Facebook there are more than one Facebook groups dedicated to “Are we dating the same guy?” What kind of guys are you dating if you are catastrophizing with this thought? You actually have to join these groups which means quite a lot of women are dating these kinds of guys. Unless you are joining just to be voyeuristic about these bad relationships to give you reasons to catastrophize.

The vulnerability of dating isn’t helped if you are using dating apps which are now known to be full of scam profiles. In 2021, people reportedly lost $547 million from romance scams, an 80 percent increase from 2020. Source. Oh dear. What a mess dating apps or “love meets algorithm” have become. Actually the whole internet has become a mess. I used to believe in dating apps to get your numbers up of meeting worthy people. I’m rethinking this right now while dating app companies are using AI to clear out these scam accounts. Does that make you feel any more comfortable? This is not a justifiable reason to catastrophize the real person you had a date with.

Dating is vulnerable. Bravery always involves vulnerability. Falling in love is vulnerable, especially because it triggers the brain to light up pleasure, risk, and attachment. Dating and choosing who to date are brave decisions. No wonder you have butterflies…or nerves.

I want to call out this habit of catastrophizing of every relationship because you are too anxious about this one being a bad match. You are doing this before the relationship has proper time to grow.

This catastrophizing is keeping you locked up in a small world.

This protective habit of catastrophizing takes up large amounts of time and attention in your already busy life. You spend a lot of energy thinking about the worst-case what-ifs—on top of the bad things that just happen every day. What would you do with all that time and energy if it wasn’t lost on catastrophizing? What would you and your friends talk about if this conversation wasn’t taking up all of your time together?

This justified habit of catastrophizing can lead to heightened anxiety, prolonged feelings of physical pain, risk aversion, and less confidence in problem-solving when big issues do arise. What brave decisions could you be making instead of the harm of this rumination?

This “responsible” habit of catastrophizing seems like an effort toward acceptance of reality but it’s actually a strategy for avoidance. How much larger could your world be if you stopped avoiding love and joy at the risk of heartbreak? What if you weren’t afraid of this pain?

Love requires vulnerability. Joy requires vulnerability. Dr. Brene’ Brown in her research found that joy is the most vulnerable emotion. Why? Because deep down for whatever reasons you have, you don’t believe you are worthy of joy. It is easier to hustle for it or to find it in how you control your situations or to earn any joy you have felt. Notice the control you want over your life in each of those. Notice how you want to spare yourself from any pain.

Catastrophizing feels safe and responsible. But this is really exposing a problem within you and your struggle with your worthiness.

With vulnerability–not the exhausting search for control you are seeking–comes the possibility that you will have your heart smashed. This is a 100 percent possibility. God is always faithful. That is also 100 percent. God always redeems your pain.

You are not exempt from pain. You are not unworthy because your life has pain in it.

A failed date does not define you. Or a failed relationship. That failed date becomes a “so what.” A story. Maybe a humorous story.

Can you consider the thought that you can survive a heartbreak?

Can you bravely change the story from “no one likes me” to “some people like me?”

Can you bravely change the story from “I’m not loveable” to “Someone is going to be awful lucky to love me?” (Have some vanity.)

Can you change this loud thought of “I’m not loveable” to “My brain is telling me that I’m not loveable so I need to lead my brain a bit more here?”

Can you consider the possibility of enjoying this growing relationship and have less anxiety about it? Even if this relationship ends?

Anxiety is real as it has also become a generalized term. Is your anxiety really fear of rejection? Fear of being dumped again? Bitterness from a previous hurt? All of these make you feel anxious but the source is not anxiety.

Can you consider stopping to allow your anxious thoughts to lead your life?

Can you rethink that catastrophic thought with “I’ve had these thoughts before and I have grown through it?”

Can you trust your discerner more? The discerner in you is part-brain, part-instinct, and part-Holy-Spirit. Some dates you just know right away that it is a bad match. Trust your discerner more. Which means you may also need to trust your discerner to give someone another date. You can survive a second bad date.

Read also: There are Too Many Variables as to Why the Date Didn’t Work Out and A List to Help You Not Date Someone Who is Emotionally Unavailable.

Can you trust some of the people in your life to help you discern too?

Can you believe that you are not the sum of your mistakes?

Can you believe that you are worthy of having someone love you?

I feel you catching your breath. You want to be braver. You want to stop this self-sabotage. Today is your day to decide to live slightly braver. May you not unsee the possibility you are feeling right now.

p.s. Worthiness is your birthright. Your value was settled at the cross.

The post Catastrophizing Your Maybe Relationship appeared first on Bravester.

Why Are We So Isolated?

(That title will make even more sense if you listen to the song, link at bottom.)

In the fall of 1981 I was in my first apartment with my first room mates. One afternoon I went down to the record store and purchased an album from a band I hadn’t heard of. Why? I don’t remember but that’s what we did back then we were feeling independent and rich.

The album I purchased was Rockin’ Revival by Servant. I proceeded to play it on our record player in the living room for 4 hours straight. The album only contains 8 songs. I played it over and over and over. The lyrics grabbed me. I moved the needle again (what we had to do back then) and listened to it again. Until my room mates finally said to stop and verbally said, “What is wrong with you?” They already thought I was too passionate about my faith.

I moved the needle back again, found the headphones that had a cord to the stereo, and listened for a couple more hours.

This album impacted me. But it was vinyl, the band was not well known, and so I lost it when I converted to cassette and CD. Recently while in a prayer time I remembered something from this album and wondered if I could find it on this deep dive thing we call the internet. Sure enough, in one search I found the whole album on YouTube.

Oh the wonders.

I knew every lyric still. Lately I’ve been waking up singing the songs.

One of the songs that “broke” me back then broke me again. It’s called “Isolated.” Here are the lyrics:

I’ve got a secret/ Nobody knows about it/ My wife and I are fighting/ We’re almost separated/ And there’s nothing I can do to stop it

So I sat there/ Silent in the Bible study/ I could not communicate/ There was no way I could relate/ And I was too afraid to tell anybody

Somebody tell me/ I really want to know/ Somebody tell me/ Why are we so/ So Isolated, so isolated, isolated, isolated/ So Isolated, so isolated, isolated, isolated/ So Isolated, so isolated, isolated, isolated

I called up the church/ And they put me on hold/ The secretary said/ The Pastor’s out to lunch/ But I could catch him after 18 holes

So much later/ After a toke or two/ I was feeling a little bit better/ A thought occurred to me/ If I just see you once a week/ Then why do we need each other

Somebody tell me/ I really want to know/ Somebody tell me/ Why are we so/ So Isolated, so isolated, isolated, isolated/ So Isolated, so isolated, isolated, isolated/ So Isolated, so isolated, isolated, isolated

Come next Sunday we’ll all get together again/ I’ll have a lonely six days and I’ll be all messed up by then/ Come next Sunday we’ll all get together and then/ (Spoken)  We’ll sing about the power, share for an hour, shake hands/ And we’re on our own again

I really need some money/ And it’s isn’t a joke/ But I’m afraid/ You wouldn’t even speak to me/ If you knew that I was broke

I got the finance company/ And they take good care of me/ But it’s such a shame/ Why can’t we be a family/ Like He wants us to be/ Stop playing this silly game.

Somebody tell me/ I really want to know/ Somebody tell me/ Why are we so/ So Isolated, so isolated, isolated, isolated/ So Isolated, so isolated, isolated, isolated/ So Isolated, so isolated, isolated, isolated

This song broke me in 1981 about how the Church was failing to really help people. Because these feelings from these lyrics are true. Now 43 years later, this is still a problem for the Church. Or maybe its worse because we have the wonder of the internet to reveal this problem for the Church. The isolation we do feel while attending church or that Bible study is confirmed when we read from others on the internet. We have so many friends and family opting out of church. We have real church hurt from real betrayal.

If I just see you once a weekThen why do we need each otherMaybe we’ve always have had this isolation problem.Come next Sunday we’ll all get together againI’ll have a lonely six days and I’ll be all messed up by thenCome next Sunday we’ll all get together and thenWe’ll sing about the power, share for an hour, shake handsAnd we’re on our own againSo why go to church at all?For those of us who go, it is a brave decision. We are at risk for betrayal. We are at risk of being misunderstood and judged by fellow readers of the same Bible we read. Bravery always involves vulnerability and risk.

But when you find a church full of good people, this brave decision is a lot easier. You have found your gift of people which helps you manage that marriage problem and debt problem and the problem that overwhelms you right now.

You find joy because joy always involves relationships. We need faces because joy involves faces. We need faces for our brains to read joy to help us through the big emotions that lead us to want to isolate. (Read the science of this.)

(I write a lot about our need for people because you can’t live this brave life without people.)

Make the brave decision to try church. Isolation is not good for you.

These lyrics broke me back then before I began working at churches because I wanted to be part of the solution. Then I was called to be a pastor and work for churches. I believe this album had a lot to do with that and how I’ve led ever since.

If you are curious about this music, here’s the song “Isolated.”

Here’s the whole album.

“Suburban Josephine” also broke me. This could be one of the reasons that led me to make many of my brave decisions. When hearing this song again all these decades later I still felt the fear of regrets from Suburban Josephine. My story is not her story because I’ve made many brave decisions. Listen to that song and imagine being 18-years old and deciding on some brave decisions?  

The last song on the album may really be my Bravester theme. Let’s sing this together!

Thanks for reminiscing with me and this foundational moment that I’m just now realizing shaped me deeply.

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No Situationships for You. I Hope.

Spangler Candy Company is embracing the blurry in relationships and candy. The brand will launch its “Situationship” boxes of iconic conversation hearts candies for Valentine’s Day 2024. Instead of something clear like “Be Mine” this box of candies will have blurred messages because of the lack of clarity in dating that dating has become.

No wonder so many hate dating. And I agree that this type of unclarified dating is too messy to get involved with.

Dating has become such drama that we now have a candy that reminds us of that.

“The specially designed boxes contain blurry, misprinted candies that are as hard to read as Gen-Z relationships. … The brand is encouraging confused singles everywhere to get them while they last and give the gift as blurry as their relationships.” –Evan Brock, vice president of marketing for Spangler, Source

Funny. Not funny.

“Situationships” have now crossed over from slang to a clinical diagnosis. According to the  Cleveland Clinic, “’situationships’ are ‘romantic entanglements where the participants haven’t established the nature of their relationship.’ Situationships can be with people you met when you are in town or your plus-one for events. Those relationships ‘have no labels, exclusivity or boundaries.'”

Dating should never end up in a situationship.

One of our brave dating practices is clarity. Clarity is letting the other person know where you are at along the way. Clarity is plain and simple words—that are said. Not hinted at. Not pantomimed. Not nonverbally given. To speak the words is a bit scary (hence the bravery) but those words are plain and simple gifts.

The bravery of clarity will give you a label, exclusivity, and boundaries. As well as trust and respect.

Situationships cause you more anxiety than the relationship is worth. You waste so much time trying to figure out what is going on. You twist your heart a lot too.

Wait, is it a relationship? Do you want it to be a relationship?

Must read: About that Guy That Looks at You Like You are the Sunshine in His World But You Don’t Even Know If He is Your Boyfriend and About Your “Friend” Who is the “One but is Never Your Boyfriend.

This is the story of too many of my relationships…or situationships.

Here is my seasoned advice to you to help you not get into situationships:

Clarity all along the way.

Clarity is kind. There is nothing kind about a situationship.

Check in with yourself about your loneliness.

Dr. Henry Cloud (big fan here) wrote “If you do any of the following, then you might be giving up boundaries because of a fear of being alone:

Putting up with behavior that is disrespectfulGiving in to things that are not in accord with your valuesSettling for less than you know you really desire or needStaying in a relationship that you know has passed its deadlineGoing back into a relationship that you know should be overGetting into a relationship that you know is not going anywhere

“Your aloneness makes you get involved in relationships that you know are not going to last, so your aloneness must be cured first. The best boundary against giving in to bad relationships, less-than-satisfactory relationships, or bad dynamics in a good relationship is you not needing that relationship. And that is going to come from being grounded in your spiritual life, grounded in a support system, working out your issues, having a full life, and pursuing wholeness. If you are doing those things, you will not be subject to saying yes when you should be saying no.” –Dr. Henry Cloud email, November 5, 2019

(We all love lists, right?)

Clarify your sexual boundaries when you are grounded.

Defining this brave decision early and with conviction will help you on that lonely Saturday night or when you are seeking that plus-one situation.

Good sex is faithful, fruitful, and points us to God, for whom our hearts ultimately yearn. Bad sex tells the lie that our bodies don’t have spiritual significance. Your body has spiritual significance. You are worth more. (Please read.)

Wrestle through the question of “how far is too far” with these thoughts:

If your love for a lifetime is out there somewhere wrestling with this same question, how would you want him or her to answer it?What level of physical involvement would lead you to lie about your past?What story do you want to tell?Have some vanity.

Another brave dating practice. This is something inside of me and you that says “I am worth it so I will decide to…”

I’m not naive to believe that none of you have to accept a situationship as a part of your dating life. Even if this blurriness is a large part of today’s dating culture, complete with candy. Try brave dating. There will not be room for a situationship to develop and you will be a great match for a worthy someone.

This is our core principle:

Try these ideas to meet worthy people. Read more here at Brave Dating. And don’t accept these candies this Valentine’s Day.

(Photo credit: https://www.pennlive.com/life/2024/01...)

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The Crazy That Dating Is Now. But I Still Believe In It. Part 2.

Sadly–or is this good–there is a part 2 to this article. This one pertains to all the extra of dating apps. You can find Part 1 here.

How did being ordinary become someone who is not date-able?

Swiping has a lot to do with that. When you swipe do you really have enough information to swipe left?

There is more to dating than swiping. (I feel the clench in your stomach.)

Then there is the scientific theory of the paradox of choice. This theory asserts that while some choice is better than no choice, too many choices can also adversely affect the happiness of individuals.

The so-many-choices seem beneficial at first. I love and recommend Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, because it does talk about how you can get your numbers up to meet more people so you can meet your match. The flipside of this though is because of the plethora of dating apps (they are a profitable business) the scarcity fear is increasing with “what if” there is someone out there who is better for me. Which means you are nagged with this thought, “What if you’re settling, and a better guy shows up in a year?”

You could be missing out on the nice guy right in front of you. The one you have been putting work and time into.

Dating apps are a part of dating. Because you have to meet people.

From a poll from Survey Monkey 56% of adults have a negative view of dating apps:  55% men and 59% women. 49% of people who message someone through a dating app never receive a response.  –YPulse, December 17, 2019

True that, right?!

You have to do a lot of work to get just one good date.

When you are viewing online profiles, you want to know right away if he/she is The One. When all of the information you know is from a one-page profile. That is all you know.

For so many good and right reasons, we have come to judge so quickly. Swipe too quickly. So harshly. Probably because the odds are much higher that the profile is really of a jerk. We know the odds are higher that you will never receive a response.

The guy who seems great on a dating profile can turn out to be disappointing as often as the guy who isn’t your type turns out to be appealing. None of these people are real until you’re in a committed relationship with them.

Dating profile interpretations:

I’m too ambitious = I’m ruthless

I’m too honest = I’m insensitive

I’m too giving = I’m needy

I’m too independent = I’m a workaholic

I’m too analytical = I’m too judgmental

What judgments can you add to this list?

A failed date does not define you. That failed date becomes a “so what.” A story. Maybe a humorous story.

Dating app dates lead to many humorous stories. Like the time a friend decided to meet someone IRL. She got to the restaurant and searched for a man who looked like the photo she had seen online. She told me she only saw one person who vaguely resembled the photo who also looked more like he could be the father of her date. That was the man who introduced himself saying, “There are probably two things I should tell you. I am older than I said, and shorter than I said.”

Thankfully my friend snarkily replied, “This is how you expect to start a date by lying from the beginning?” And she left the restaurant.

Sometimes you do get dressed up with no where to go. This is okay. A failed date doesn’t define you. And what a story you have to tell! #datefail

There are too many variables as to why the date didn’t work out.

And you can be okay that the date didn’t work out.

There is less sex happening in dating.

As a youth pastor who pastored teens in the 1980s, 1990s, 2000s, 2010s, and now in the 2020s I have seen this statistical number change a lot–in the bad direction. I have sat with too many teens and young adults who have made regretful decisions. Good sex is faithful, fruitful, and points us to God, for whom our hearts ultimately lean. Bad sex tells the lie that our bodies don’t have spiritual significance.

So in a way I am rejoicing about these decreasing numbers. Except these decreasing number have little to do with the decision that our bodies have spiritual significance.

Says one young adult man, “The internet has made it so easy to gratify basic social and sexual needs that there’s far less incentive to go out into the ‘meatworld’ and chase those things.” (Generations by Jean M. Twenge) It used to be that dating was a “meatworld.” Now it is less “meatworld” but more and more men and women have porn habits. That is not what you are looking for.

Anxiety about meeting new people.

Another trend Jean Twenge noted from her deeply researched book, Generations. The judgmental cancel culture has made meeting someone akin to stalking. No one wants to be known as a stalker but striking up a conversation with someone you met who appears interesting could end with that accusation. Not funny as you know it is true. I have a friend who started seeing a guy she met through a dating app. One day he texted her too many times, and too many times while she was napping, and she called him a stalker.

In the age of the smartphone, we have the ability to choose whom we interact with. We follow or unfollow whom we want; we reply to posts we have an ulterior motive to reply to; we ghost everyone else. So how are we meeting new people?

On dating apps? Which brings us full circle of when you swipe do you really have enough information to swipe left?

Which is why I still believe in brave dating. Brave dating is dating to discover who you are. The result of this learning process will then lead you to a good match to give you that “love for a lifetime” you desire. Because vulnerability is involved, you must approach this process with bravery.

Don’t forget about Jesus.

Anxiety will keep you out of vulnerability. Date with a team. Read the great amount of wisdom here at Brave Dating. Grow your discerner (part-brain, part-instinct, and part-Holy-Spirit). Bring Jesus into all of this. Ask some good people out.

I don’t say “bring Jesus into all of this” flippantly or as Christianese. I know many of you already have trust issues with Jesus. You’ve been so disappointed that your life hasn’t turned out as you dreamed of when you were a teen. I’ve been a youth pastor a long time so I recognize this. You may even be angry with God that you haven’t met your love of a lifetime yet.

Or your heart is so battered from a bad relationship you stayed in. Shame is keeping you from trusting Jesus for something better for your life.

I stand in that gap for you. I’m here to say that I have hope for you. Read my words here. Talk to me IRL. I have learned that Papa God is gathering the materials. When you are overwhelmed with your trust issues, lean on me.

The post The Crazy That Dating Is Now. But I Still Believe In It. Part 2. appeared first on Bravester.

The Crazy That Dating Is Now. But I Still Believe In It. Part 1.

I believe in dating. I believe in dating to find your match.

But I do have to admit, dating is a lot more vulnerable and crazy than when I was dating. Here are some random notes from me to say, “I hear you and I feel you” as I still say try brave dating. Brave dating is dating to discover who you are. The result of this learning process will then lead you to a good match to give you that “love for a lifetime” you desire. Because vulnerability is involved, you must approach this process with bravery. Moreso now than ever before. (I’m sorry the world has changed like this.)

The first date is awkward—with good reasons.

Don’t confuse a good dater to be good husband material. That guy who is awkward or too quiet or not funny on a first date might be acting that way because he’s excited about you, not because he’s a jerk.

First date skills have nothing to do with what kind of a husband a guy will make.

Your type may be skewing your expectations on how well or how badly this date is going.

Sometimes it’s easier to connect with what is comfortable rather than what is healthy.

Is who you are attracted to best for you?

Are you looking for someone who represents where you want to be in life? Or someone who represents who you want to be in life?

Do you see the difference? Do you see the big difference?

Nice guys are not given enough chances. Is potential more attractive to you than good guys who are “boring?”

Nice guys may be “boring” because you don’t have to put on a dog-and-pony show (you know what you do) to get an obligatory crumb thrown your way. They’re “too nice” because they don’t support or exploit your warped relational belief system that “nothing worth having comes easy.”

Besides, consistency does not equal boring.  

Is there the magic of “the one?”

Yes, but this comes after a lot of growth in each of you and growth in the two of you together. Yes, I’m mentioning work and time but this is how the magic happens. Romance is in the growing relationship. Romance is in the growing relationship that is full of the mundane.

Here’s another thing to blame on social media. Once upon a time when relationships faced problems, people understood that this was to be expected. They communicated and tried to fix it. But thanks to social media comparison, if a relationship faces a challenge people compare it to a false expectation. The presumption is made that this problem means they are with the wrong person. They blame that person for not meeting their expectations, throw that relationship away, and go in search of that fictional relationship that social media told them to expect.

We now have “cushioning.” People will semi-commit to dating but still flirt with other people as a means of leaving their options open. They like you but they are also on the lookout for the next best thing. Because the choices have widened so much due to the internet, those who believe in the “soul mate fallacy” are continually looking for “the one” even while they are with you and truly like you. Due to some unfounded belief of “the one” you are not enough to this one. Oh yes, you are nearly perfect and he/she does value your time with you but you are still not enough. They are still looking for that “magic” of “the one.”

Why would you want to date when it leads to being exposed to not-enoughness? Because you already are. This is the new religion.

You actually like staying home more than going out.

It’s okay to admit this. I know you imagined this beautiful outgoing lifestyle you would have in your 20s and 30s but now that you are this age, you find yourself staying home more than you ever thought you would—and liking it.

You are not alone in this. Researchers have discovered you. They (YPulse) have discovered that 72% of you would rather stay in than go out on the weekends. Whether it’s because you find nightclubs less appealing, are drinking less, saving money, or focusing on mental health—there are many reasons why you and your group are homebodies. Apps like Netflix, Doordash, and Etsy have made it easier for you to do things from the convenience of your home. It is even easier to do that Target trip. Source.

This is one reason why the church I lead meets on Friday nights. Friday night are becoming more of a night to slow down and rest (a consistent message of our church) than the hubbub of Friday night noise (and Sunday morning noise).

What does life look like when you don’t try a date on a Friday night?

You don’t have to commit a lot of your schedule for those first dates.

Try a coffee date. Don’t turn a coffee date into a 3.5 hour coffee date. No matter how great the conversation is.

I don’t know if this is good or bad. But I have more of these nugget insights to have a second article. You can read that here.

The post The Crazy That Dating Is Now. But I Still Believe In It. Part 1. appeared first on Bravester.

Would You Have Made the Brave Decision to Touch the Wall of Water?

There is a Jewish midrash about two named men, Reuven and Shimon. These two were a part of the Israelite migrant caravan that walked through the parting of the Red Sea. But they had a whole different experience than the many unnamed people who walked beside them. The midrash is:

“Apparently the bottom of the sea, though safe to walk on, was not completely dry but a little muddy, like a beach at low tide. Reuven stepped into it and curled his lip. ‘What is this muck?”’

“Shimon scowled, ‘There’s mud all over the place!’

“’This is just like the slime pits of Egypt!’ replied Reuven.

“’What’s the difference?’ complained Shimon. ‘Mud here, mud there; it’s all the same.”

“And so it went for the two of them, grumbling all the way across the bottom of the sea. And, because they never once looked up, they never understood why on the distant shore everyone else was singing songs of praise. For Reuven and Shimon the miracle never happened.”

The brave decision was to look up.Fun question:  If you were one of those walking across on dry ground with walls of water on each side of you, would you have touched the water?

This has been a fun conversation we’ve had at my church (where we always have such conversations). The answers could be like a personality test.

Some would have run through as fast as possible. Some would have run their finger through all the way. Some would have with trepidation touched it just a bit afraid that they would be the cause for the wall of water to collapse. Do you see the personality types?

Which one would you have been?Would you have been like Reuven and Shimon only looking at the mud?

Consumed with thoughts of the one bad thing that is happening to you?

Resistant to change?

Filled with fear, especially fear of change and/or the unknown?

Keeping on ignoring all that is happening around you?

Ignoring the very things that can actually improve your future?

Not hearing the voices of those who surround you?

So beat up with life that you don’t know how to look up?

So defeated by life that you believe that mud is the best you get?

Believe that what you know now is good enough?

Do you realize that this path is actually your new beginning. If only you can make the brave decision to look up.You may find yourself on a new shore singing songs of praise with others.

This quote comes from one of those water-touching people from my church.

Read also: What Lies Have You Been Telling Yourself to Avoid Facing the Truth?

(Photo credit to Anglican Diocese of Perth)

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Do prayers change anything in this unjust world?

What is your reaction when you see #thoughtsandprayers–often on social media hence the hashtag–posted about something terribly unjust?

That hashtag has become emotionally loaded. At that moment of tragedy we don’t want just thoughts and prayers, we want action. We want to feel safe again. We hate that our fears our triggered. We want justice. We want an ordered world. We don’t want to even know about the grief that these others are feeling.

Some people lob this hashtag up as something to say because you don’t know what else to say. I believe in the power of prayer so I believe this is doing something.

Add that social media adds pressure to respond. We have to say something and we don’t know what to say so we try a hashtag.

I also believe that some people post this hashtag and never intend to do anything to make a way for justice or to help the victims. Hence the growing anger at this hashtag #thoughtsandprayers.

Is this why the praying hands emoji was created? What does that really mean?

Some believe prayer doesn’t do anything. We need action. We need change. We don’t need a hashtag platitude.

Sometimes and some people see this hashtag as virtue signaling. Again, this isn’t going to change anything.

We have a lot of prayers happening—or so we talk about—but are they changing anything in this unjust world?Saying we will pray doesn’t remove us from getting involved. Our involvement may now be a practice of contending prayer for this injustice.

Two of the great historical abolitionists are Sojourner Truth and Frederick Douglas. Shortly after the passage of the Fugitive Slave Act of 1850 that required runaway slaves to be brought back to their masters, Frederick Douglas expressed his despair to Sojourner Truth. He was a runaway slave. He was losing hope that slavery would ever end. Would anything ever change in this unjust world?

Sojourner chastised him and his lack of faith with four little words, “Frederick, is God dead?”

Those words appear on Sojourner Truth’s gravestone.

We continue to pray because God is not dead.

To deal with the issues of injustice or what has unfairly happened to you, we need contending prayer. We need prayer that is fighting words to fight the long fight. Because God is not dead.

A sign of true prayer is that it always leads to action.   

My thoughts create a burden. My thoughts keep me awake.The way to process my thoughts so I can sleep is to pray. I very much believe in praying so you can fall asleep.What does God want to see happen about this burden?Through prayer you start to understand God’s compassionate heart.This helps you know what actions to take, and whether you want to or not.Some ideas start forming in your head. Contending prayer is where the good ideas come from.Prayer is an action. Not a hashtag platitude. Prayer is the elevator that brings us into the strategy room of heaven.

Now we aren’t reacting to the evil today. This is more strategic. This is full of wisdom. Your mind takes on the imagination of Christ as to what to do about this problem. You begin with a reaction and no idea what this person really needs. Then prayer gives you a plan. Crazy God ideas comes out of contending prayer.

Note:  The Bible must be a part of contending prayer. For one, it helps you have words for the long haul that contending prayer is. Sometimes you just need to pray the words in the Bible because you don’t know what else to say. Also, the Bible can show you those crazy God ideas.

Contending prayer is:

Wrestling with the unseen realm.Intercession. Intercession means we care. This is why we try prayer.We feel the pain and hold on to the promise of God. What is God’s dream for this problem?We hold on to hope.We stand in the gap and pray speaking the truth into our reality.We are praying to win. You are a contender.

When we pray, we move angels. Look at Hebrews 12:14-22 – Work at living in peace with everyone, and work at living a holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. 15 Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. …No, you have come to Mount Zion, to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to countless thousands of angels in a joyful gathering. Live wisely, come to the mountain (which is a consistent metaphor of God meeting us throughout the entire Bible), and move angels.

Of course there is Ephesians 6:12, For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. And this beautiful description found in Revelation 5:8, And when he took the scroll, the four living beings and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb. Each one had a harp, and they held gold bowls filled with incense, which are the prayers of God’s people. (Also Revelation 8:3-5.)

Do you see the tenacity in this?

This is a long commitment. In my life and the greatest story of my life, it only took 30 years of contending prayer over the life of my sons. From the contending prayer I figured out how to raise our boys so they could break generational cycles. This took only 30 years…and counting.

Do you see how contending prayer is needed to change things beyond what you have control over?

Sometimes contending prayers are just a groan. (Romans 8:26-27). Because you have no words left. Or groans for days. Or screams. Or praying the truth of my soul which is never in complete sentences.

The work of prayer is the work of the unseen.

At the end of a complicated parable Jesus taught on prayer, Jesus summarizes in Luke 18:8. I tell you, he will grant justice to them quickly! But when the Son of Man returns, how many will he find on the earth who have faith?”

God’s heart is to grant justice quickly. Evil is in the way. God is looking for agreement on earth. He is looking for people to agree and align with his intentions, with what he has already declared. Prayer is how we do this. This is more than a hashtag platitude. This is contending prayer.

“We must all practice violence and remember that he who prays is fighting against the devil and the flesh…Satan is opposed to the church…the best thing we can do, therefore, is to put our fists together and pray.” 

Martin Luther

Hope is having bloody fists. This is one way I fight forward.

#thebravepray

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