Brenda Seefeldt Amodea's Blog, page 21

Brave Decision to Brave Decision Doesn’t Always Mean the Right Decision

Sometimes I make the wrong decision. This is my broken roadof faith.

My faith has not been smooth. My faith has been full of goodintentions as I still have made wrong decisions.

I can either be full of regrets or realize that my road is real and not smooth. That every day I am living slightly braver. #saynotoregrets #saynotoshame

Because I am not alone. I’m not the only one trying to make the brave decision but getting it wrong. Let’s take a look at the book of Acts because this happens frequently there.

What? A book in the Bible has wrong decisions in it?  The Bible is filled with so many other brokenhuman decisions that it does not surprise me at all to find the same in themighty Book of Acts. 

For many, many people, the book of Acts is their favoritebook of the Bible. It is where everything that Jesus was taught was lived out. Itis the story of those disciples Jesus left behind with his instructions whowent out then into all the world. Acts is full of some of the Bible’s mostexciting stories and completes the stories of some of the bumbling men we got toknow who walked with Jesus.

We, as a church, often take the stories in the book of Actsand try to find their place in our church today. We want to see Star Trek-likeexperiences that Philip experienced (Acts 8:26-40). We want to see cities cometo know God, key people in those cities turn in repentance (my personalheartbeat).  Some youth groups and somechurches have even taken the name “Acts 29″ as a way of saying that theyare fulfilling the next chapter in that book. 

The Book of Acts is full of people who wanted to give all they can for God and witnessed the great growth of the Church–yet made human mistakes in the decisions they had to make.

Because of the hype surrounding this book I have missed this fact.

I have to make spirit-led decisions all of the time.  Maybe even more so than most because I am a pastor. Because my decisions may affect eternity. (Your decisions do too if you really think about it.) I have to make some doozy decisions which I do spend a great amount of time praying and pondering about. A great amount. Yet sometimes I have been wrong. Sometimes? It feels like it is more often than that. The doozy decisions always have consequences.

The Book of Acts records plenty of this stuff. They were menwho were excited about Jesus but didn’t have a clue as to what they were doing.They just were going along, praying and pondering, and seeing great stuffhappen. Yet not every decision they made was “right on.”  The Book of Acts records these too.

It only takes the reader to read chapter 1, verse 21, before the first bad decision was made. The disciples chose Matthias to replace Judas as a disciple/apostle. It seems they rushed into a replacement, like twelve was some spiritual number. (Remember that #12 Judas was no longer with them.)  If they had waited on the decision, it is likely that Paul would have been chosen. But at the time of this decision, Paul was Saul and was out to kill them. Time needed to happen. God always uses time. Someone should have spoken up and said no to the dice and agreed to wait (Acts 1:21-26). This is the last we hear of Matthias ever again. No where in history. Not in the book of Acts. Not in the Bible. Not in any other apocrypha or historical resource. This is Matthias’ one moment in history–the winner of drawing lots, a shake of a dice, picking a number between 1 and 10.

The apostles made some very great, very huge right decisions. Peter going to visit with Cornelius was a very good one (Acts 10)–and one that Peter struggled with. It took three personal visions for Peter to make the right decision. Which means he made wrong decisions before he made the brave decision.

What about the decision over John Mark (Acts 15:36-41)?  I am sure Paul and Barnabus both spent a great deal of time praying about that one. Yet they couldn’t agree. They even argued.  Who made the right decision? 

Even Paul appealing his case to Rome might not have been theright decision. It says in Acts 26:32 that AndAgrippa said to Festus, “He could have been set free if he hadn’t appealed toCaesar.” Did Paul in his zealousness, and maybe a bit of pride in his Romancitizenship, over do it here? 

Lots of very good things did happen because of Paul’szealous decision including Paul going to Rome according to a word God gave toPaul. That night the Lord appeared toPaul and said, “Be encouraged, Paul. Just as you have been a witness to me herein Jerusalem, you must preach the Good News in Rome as well.” Acts 23:11.

Every human decision turned into huge and great things happening.Even with the split of Paul and Barnabus, good things happened. More peopleheard the good news of Jesus Christ. 

Isn’t that just like God? God always redeems something good outof our human decisions. A lot of good came out of these decisions made in Acts,but were all of them “from God” or “led by God?”

May your bravery define you. May you grow from one bravedecision to the next brave decision to the next brave decision.

May you make small, deliberate tweaks to your thinkingbecause you choose to give God more credibility than everyone else.

May you not be afraid to make wrong decisions because youare letting bravery define you, you are making these small, deliberate tweaksto your thinking, and you know God will redeem what is left.

God amazingly always does.

My life is one of imperfect progress on this broken road of faith. I am still making progress.

The post Brave Decision to Brave Decision Doesn’t Always Mean the Right Decision appeared first on Bravester.

Emotions Move Us Towards God—All of the Emotions

Not just these emotions.

All of them.

Guilt, sadness,and the feeling that you are not “enough” are forms of loneliness.

I know a mom who had to separate from her husband. This separation has been a long time coming. Since then she has had to make so many hard decisions to create a safe place for the family while he uses every means possible to keep her feeling small and helpless. Which means she continues to struggle with guilt for her part of the marriage failing. She does have her part of responsibility, as everyone does. There is no “what if” enough for her to help heal the marriage though. It is easier for her to feel guilty with these “what ifs” than to realize the sadness that her marriage has become. Her broken marriage is a sad story. Her carrying false guilt is a way for her to try to control the outcome and not have this sadness. In her loneliness, the guilt feelings win out and keep her feeling small.

I know ayoung father who has recently been divorced from an unhealthy marriage. He isbeginning to heal. He is pro-actively working on his own inner healing so hedoesn’t repeat his mistakes and can care for his children. The inner healing ishard work but he’s committed. Even as he has many lonely nights. He chooses theloneliness for the gain of his future.

I know a youngman who was in and out of foster care because his mom couldn’t take care of himand his father has never claimed him. There are lots of wounds here. As anadult he has had too many unhealthy love relationships. He is just beginning tounderstand that he expects every woman who says yes to a relationship to be areplacement of love that his mother never gave him. No woman wants to be amother replacement, even a broken woman. This is a pattern he is trying to notrepeat anymore. He is lonely. He has been lonely even with these women.

This is justone week in my life as a pastor walking through such stories with my people. Lonelinessis always mentioned.

Are youfeeling lonely?

Will you doanything to not be alone?

We arebetter at causing pain than sitting in our own pain.

The emotionsyou are feeling are real. Don’t try to numb those emotions with shoppingtherapy or alcohol or any other numbing behavior. You also don’t need toapologize for having emotions. We all have the privilege of feelingemotions—the whole gamut of emotions.

Don’t ignorethe truth that you are lonely. Something is not wrong with you because you arelonely. This is a real emotion and you have it now. But you also don’t have tolet it lead your life, especially lead you to decisions of regret.

Becauseemotions move us toward God. God who loves to meet us in that messy middle.

Because emotions are tunnels.

Emotions, at their most basic level, involve the release of neurochemicals in the brain, in response to some stimulus. You see the person you have a crush on across the room, your brain releases a bunch of chemicals, and that triggers a cascade of physiological changes—your heart beats faster, your hormones shift, and your stomach flutters. You take a deep breath and sigh. Your facial expression changes; maybe you blush; even the timbre of your voice becomes warmer. Your thoughts shift to memories of the crush and fantasies about the future, and you suddenly feel an urge to cross the room and say hi. Just about every system in your body responds to the chemical and electrical cascade activated by the sight of the person.

That’s emotion. It’s automatic and instantaneous. …Left to their own devices, emotions—these instantaneous, whole-body reactions to some stimulus—will end on their own. …in short, emotions are tunnels. If you go all the way through them, you get to the light at the end of the tunnel. –Burnout:  The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, Emily and Amelia Nagoski, p. xii

Guilt startsand then guilt ends.

 Loneliness starts and then loneliness ends.

Anxietystarts and then anxiety ends.

You justneed to get to the end of the tunnel. (So hard at times.)

God loves tomeet us in that messy middle. And at the end of the tunnel, as well as thebeginning of the tunnel.

It is inthat messy middle that God becomes particularly “loud” in our lives.

When your heart is so smashed…  When you can’t figure out how you are going to make dinner tonight much less show your face at that meeting…  You remember a song. It might be a worship song but it also very likely is a powerful lyric with an angry beat (is this just me?). Maybe you remember a scripture. Maybe you remember someone you love and admire, looking you in the eyes and telling you something that is so beautifully wise you have it written in a journal somewhere. But suddenly there is this message inside my head and it is on repeat.

This messageon repeat becomes the definer of this time period of my life. Every time I hear that song I rememberhow loud God was speaking to me.

I find thesemessy middle times are when God is most personal to me.

Psalm 66:16-20 – Come and listen, all you who fear God, and I will tell you what he did for me. For I cried out to him for help, praising him as I spoke. If I had not confessed the sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened.

But God did listen! He paid attention to my prayer. Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw his unfailing love from me.

God never tells me to get over my emotions and just get past them. God meets me there in my emotional mess. Sometimes I’m so emotional I believe God has abandoned me. Until I get through that tunnel and I realize how present God always was.

My life has been through many tunnels of despair and loneliness. I’ve believed so many lies while lost in that tunnel. Yet God has never left me. God has always paid attention to me. God has never ignored me.

This reminds me of my favorite cartoon. That is me over my 40+ year faith life.

So many grooves.

God has never ignored me. God wants to hear every emotion I have. I have cried, screamed, and raged at God–and this all moves me closer to God. I have collapsed in my despair and yet I hear that song lyric over and over and over.

So now in my advanced wisdom (or is it age?!), I feel less lonely especially when the despair comes. I’m not exempt from pain. I know that  pain is my beginning and pain is going to end and in that messy middle I will be making some very strong memories with God because he is the loudest then.

I am going to be okay. I always discover a bigger God and then live in a bigger braver world.

The post Emotions Move Us Towards God—All of the Emotions appeared first on Bravester.

My Faith Has Need of Each Other

I write this coming out of this crazy Covid-19 season when we isolated ourselves. During this crazy Covid-19 season I was laid off from my church and began a new home church. Because the loneliness was real. Because the isolation was real. Because I hungered to have deep conversations of faith again. And many around my husband and I also hungered for that (I may have been pressured a bit to start this church). Sitting in front of a screen for church just wasn’t enough because we weren’t having these faith conversations.

So we started a church that allows for these conversations. Forreal, the order of our service makes space for conversations to happen. We meetthrough Zoom, have added a lot of technology to make the Zoom experiencebetter, and we are gathering other people of various years of faith fromdifferent states to have these conversations together. I, as the pastor, haveto trust that when I open up a conversation my message may go “off the rails”and be okay with that. Because that conversation may be the Holy Spiritdirection that the people need.

We are all surprised at how much we need this. How much ourfaith has grown and become “live-able.” We are finding how much we have need ofeach other.

Which makes me think of the beautiful book, The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, which taught me that we do have need of each other. This is the story of how the Little Prince made a friend.

“I am looking for friends. What does that mean—tame?

“It is an act too often neglected,” said the fox. “It meansto establish ties.”

“To establish ties?”

“Just that, said the fox. “To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you take me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world…” –p. 66

(Must read pp. 67, 68, 69, 70 and 71 also.)

Beautiful. Because my heart wants to be seen as unique in all the world. My heart cries for that. I am faithfully and bravely living out my faith for God so I want my story to be seen by someone. I want to be known.

I want my pain to be known too. This broken-hearted bravelife hurts too. This part of me needs to be known too. Especially when thereare days—and weeks—when I need someone to carry my pain.

I need this gift of people.

To establish ties means when my heart gets smashed, mypeople pray for me, remind me of truth, and hold me together, even carrying mypain for me. It’s hard to feel alone in your pain. It’s even harder to feelunknown in your pain. I can be known in my pain.

To establish ties means when I feel “not enough,” my peoplecan point out the lie that is overwhelming me.

To establish ties means that when I experience feeling empty because I am just one person trying to figure this out, my people can join me in it with their good and broken wisdom (I get both) as they tell me and demonstrate to me that I am not alone in this.

To establish ties means that I don’t have to hide my sadnessworrying that it may be uncomfortable for others. I am safe to be sad with mypeople because they know me. Sadness is the beacon that actually signals mypeople.

To establish ties mean that when I have been gaslit, mypeople will tell me the truth and show me reality. Gaslit people definitelyneed safe people.

To establish ties mean that when I am full with anger, someone or someones will hold me accountable and point this anger into a positive direction. Anger signals to me that there is something I value. Anger is part of my righteous fight. Sharing this with your people changes it from something potentially negative to transformative.

To establish ties mean that when my life has this big,wonderful, joyful moment I share it with my people and they feel nearly as muchjoy as I am. Because they have been with me for both—the joy and the overcomingjourney.

Can you imagine going to a church where you have establishedties?

Hopefully you have a friend group who provides this for you.We need this gift of people.

Sadly, you are able to feel alone and still be with people. Thinkof someone in a hospital. There are people everywhere yet it is still a verylonely experience. You can be in a marriage and be so very alone. You can be apart of a church and still be alone.

And loneliness lies to you. (Read about the science of that.)

“Taming” is an act that is too often neglected. We have our reasons for that. Some reasons are legitimate from some legitimate trust issues. Some reasons are simply excuses to keep us safe.

For me to have “established ties” with my church people has grown my faith to be bigger. I’m growing to understand an even bigger God. A bigger God who is writing uniquely beautiful stories in the people I am learning from in our conversations. My faith now has need of each other.

p.s. I don’t pastor a perfect church. We are messy. We are very new. We don’t have children’s ministry yet. But we sure do like each other. Larger Story Church.

(Photo from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

The post My Faith Has Need of Each Other appeared first on Bravester.

Awkwardly Praying my Pain with Psalm 143

v. 1 – Hear my prayer,O Lord; listen to my plea! Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.

My desperate prayers generally sound the same. Help! Hear me! Now! I rarely pray complete sentences, especially when I’m in pain.

Sometimes I will throw in some flattering words to Godmostly because I do believe God is good and will hear my prayer. I am pleadingmy desperate prayers to God because I do believe God is faithful and righteous.

I know some of you do not believe God is good. You also pray such desperate prayers because life…right? But you don’t really know if God is good or if God is really listening. You keep praying the desperate prayers anyway because you don’t know what else to do. And because maybe maybe maybe if you pray enough, maybe if you say the right combination of words, maybe if you bargain enough, then God will listen.

Because you—and I—don’t know what else to do but praydesperate prayers. We need supernatural help.

v. 2 – Don’t put yourservant on trial, for no one is innocent before you.

In my desperate situation that I need supernatural help for,why would I pray that I won’t get put on trial? I can’t even get a sentenceout.

So do I believe that I caused this? Do I believe that Iwasn’t good enough, or trying enough, or praying enough, or wise enough andcould have prevented this desperate situation from happening? Do I believe thatI had some control over this situation?

v. 3 – My enemy haschased me. He has knocked me to the ground and forces me to live in darknesslike those in the grave.

I need to remember that I do have an enemy. What is going onright now is not God’s fault. It’s not my fault because I wasn’t enough. I havean enemy who wants to destroy me.

It is easierto blame God or to blame myself than to realize the scary realization that theenemy wants to destroy me. John 10:10 says Thethief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them arich and satisfying life.

Suffering is spiritual warfare. Suffering causes me to entertain crazy thoughts that would lead to future regrets. Suffering will either grow me or it will weaken me. Suffering is the battleground for my soul.

My enemy loves to keep me in the darkness but this I have learned:  God is also there in the darkness. This is the promise:

And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness–secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name.

IIsaiah 45:3

In thisdesperate time, I need those secret riches.

v. 4 – I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear.

Even though I know God is in the darkness with me and I knowmy enemy is out to destroy me, I am still losing all hope. I am still paralyzedwith fear.

Knowing this truth isn’t enough right now to shut off my brain which is full of so many scary thoughts. This is truth. This is why I have my people whom I have asked to carry me.

v. 5 – I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done.

This is why I practice gratitude. I practice gratitude before the tragedy hits so I can practice gratitude during the tragedy.

v. 6 – I lift my handsto you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain.

Do I trust God enough to thirst for him now as parched land thirsts for rain? Or does this just read prettyas I keep my view of God small?

Because totrust a bigger God means I have to trust God. Now. When I’m in so much pain.

Prayer is my attempt to trust God to do something. My rambling, confusing, and selfish prayers–which I minimize because it is easier to hate on my efforts of prayer than to trust God to answer my prayers. It is easier to declare that I am not a good prayer person than it is for me to actually trust God to hear me and answer my prayers.

This is a continual struggle.

v. 7 – Come quickly,Lord, and answer me, for my depression deepens. Don’t turn away from me, or Iwill die.

My depression deepens. I have got to beg God to do somethingto help me. No matter how much I struggle with my awkward prayers.

v. 8 – Let me hear ofyour unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk,for I give myself to you.

Each new day gives me a chance to be a little bit better.Perhaps something good will win the battle for the fear that keeps my brain paralyzed.Perhaps I will remember again what God’s unfailing love means to me.

The Hebrew word for “unfailing love” here is khesed. Khesed love is generous and loyal. I really really need a generous and loyal outpouring of God’s love…right now.

It sure is easier to trusta generous and loyal God too.

v. 9 – Rescue me frommy enemies, Lord; I run to you to hide me.

There is the enemy (whom I refuse to capitalize) and then there are enemies that the enemy uses to destroy us. I need to be hidden because I am so vulnerably ripped open right now. Psalm 144:1-2 (the next Psalm) begins with Praise the Lord, who is my rock. He trains my hands for war and gives my fingers skill for battle. He is my loving ally and my fortress, my tower of safety, my rescuer. That is who I need to hide me.

v. 10 – Teach me to doyour will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on afirm footing.

There’s that generous God again.

v. 11 – For the gloryof your name, O Lord, preserve my life. Because of your faithfulness, bring meout of this distress.

Here’s my begging prayer again. I’m sure I will pray this way again. And again.

v. 12 – In yourunfailing love, silence all my enemies and destroy all my foes, for I am yourservant.

Unfailing love. Generous love. Loyal love. God does not fail me. God’s love towards me does not call me a failure. I am dependent on this Savior. Amen.

(Photo credit: by Samuel Martins on Unsplash)

The post Awkwardly Praying my Pain with Psalm 143 appeared first on Bravester.

At Her Church

Brenda is pastor of Larger Story Church. Larger Story is a hybrid church plant that meets every Friday night at 7 pm EST/6 pm CST. This is a new breed of church where conversations happen during church. Where you are seen whether you attend locally or from a different location. The conversations take the core of Bravester http://bravester.com/checklist-of-god... and add depth and practicality with intergenerational wisdom.

Hear past message series at YouTube channel.

Each message here is designed for you to use in your small group or family setting. The conversation questions and additional resources are included.

If you would like to attend on a Friday night from wherever you are, please message us HERE for the Zoom link.

The post At Her Church appeared first on Bravester.

True Love Saves The World (Which Means Your Heart Will Break)

Life is pain, your highness.”

Wesley, from The Princess Bride

Thus the fairytale ends and true love saves the world.

Because love hurts. As beautiful as love is, it always hurtswith the 100 percent possibility of smashing your heart.

What pain does not have to lead to is sucking your life right out of you. Oh there are days you can’t get out of bed in the morning. There are weeks (months?) when you feel like this pain will never end. There are times when you are going to need other people to help you carry your pain.

Because the pain is real.

English doesn’t really give us words to help describe pain. We have beautiful words to describe love. But a sufferer of pain cannot find the words to describe it to a doctor much less to our family and friends. We just don’t know how to describe our pain. Saying it is real just doesn’t feel like enough.

So I minimize my pain.

Or don’t talk about it.

Or hide it.

Or ignore it.

Or power over it.

Or lie to myself about it.

Or lie to my family and friends about it.

Or I numb my pain–which really complicates things because what I choose to numb with generally leads to some sort of regret which is painful so I numb yet again.

Or I pretend I am better.

Or I beat myself up for being so weak.

Or I beat myself up for allowing the vulnerability which now hurts so badly.

Or I simply beat myself up.

I feel less pain when I beat myself up.  

I am better at causing pain than sitting in my own pain.

Why can’t I handle my pain like a champ? Ouch. That very question has me trying to power over my pain. Has me in that comparison/judging trap.

Because there is no hierarchy of pain. Suffering shouldn’t be ranked, because pain is not a contest. (P. 13, I Wish I Could Take Away Your Pain)

If only I had the words to explain my pain?!?!?! Maybe then Iwill feel at least heard.

Maybe Dumbledore can help.

“Harry, there is never a perfect answer in this messy, emotional world. Perfection is beyond the reach of humankind, beyond the reach of magic. In every shining moment of happiness is that drop of poison: the knowledge that pain will come again. Be honest to those you love, show your pain. To suffer is as human as to breathe.”

J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter & The Cursed Child, p. 258

I am breathing. I know I am breathing.

Breathing means life. Life is pain, your highness.

I can’t escape the reality that the Bible teaches that suffering is not a unique experience. It’s not a strange experience. It’s not a surprising experience. It’s not an episodic experience. It is a universal experience.

“I also affirm Christ will one day return to consummate His Kingdom (Revelation 19:7-8) and redeem all of creation (Romans 8:19-25), where He will wipe away every tear from our eyes, where death shall be no more, and where there will be no mourning, nor crying, nor pain (Revelation 21:4). But that day has not yet arrived. And until that day comes, all creation groans as in the pains of childbirth (Romans 8:22). Until that day comes, there will remain an important place in the Christian life—especially the mature Christian’s life—for things like tears, pain, and grief.

David C. Wang,https://lifewayresearch.com/2020/05/1...

I suffer because I choose to love. I choose to live my life to the full. I choose to not allow the pain to define me but to grow me. I choose to not keep my world small and trust a big God anyway. I choose to let my pain draw me towards prayer not away from prayer. Towards people not away from people. Towards authenticity not towards wearing a mask.

When in a room of people, seeing someone’s pain suddenly makes that person the safest person in the room. Not that tragic person that overshares (which is a numbing behavior) or sucks up all of the drama of the room. But that person who is present in that room anyway.

I can choose to be that person. I can choose to be that vulnerable person who has pain and shows up authentically anyway. I am hard-wired to overcome.

As Dr. Brene Brown found in her research, “Courage is a collection of four skill sets that can be taught, observed, and measured. The four skill sets are:

Rumbling with vulnerability Living into our values Braving trust Learning to rise (Dare to Lead, p. 11)

This doesn’t keep me stuck in my pain. This is so very Bravester. And makes my world–and your world–beautiful.

True love saves the world. The very words Jesus lived out on the cross that broke him.

The post True Love Saves The World (Which Means Your Heart Will Break) appeared first on Bravester.

Will I be okay if I have a son in pictures and memories only while he has a life away from us?

I wonder if one of our sons will ever be in relationshipwith us again.

My husband and I have had the great privilege of raising 4 boys whom we did not birth. That is a beautiful story, a painful story, the story that has made me who I am. I would make that decision again and again and again.

My home is filled with photos of this good decision.

Two of my sons are beautiful and good men. Two ended up inthe prison system anyway. One is not communicating with us now.

This is not the first time. We’ve had seasons of when we don’t hear from him. Years. But he always returns. Then he wanders away again. Then he returns. We are in one of those times when we don’t hear from him.

But I’m wondering (is fear speaking?) that at age 39 he will make the final decision to separate from us.

Will he want a fresh start away from us? I hope that alsomeans away from his birth family but that is complicated. Too complicated forme to give sound advice on.

Is he tired of disappointing us? Of making me so sad?

Is this the time he is too exhausted to even try to stayconnected to a normal life?

Or is this the time he puts in the hard work to heal—andthus has to separate from us for a time to heal? (My heart beats hopeful onthis one.)

Will I be okay if he decides to permanently disconnect from us?

We have consistently pushed him to find healing for the tragedies that have happened in his life. Maybe he is just tired of trying to “get better.” Maybe he thinks he can never get better so he will avoid us to spare us that pain. Maybe he is tired of my pushing. I can’t push if he doesn’t talk to us.

The “what ifs” could haunt me. The “what ifs” have haunted me. Years ago I was trapped in that shame cycle. Eventually and bravely I decided to stop letting shame lie to me. To stop letting shame change the story. When parenting these boys when they were younger I had no idea what I was doing, and what the depth of their pain was. I don’t believe they knew how to share that pain, they didn’t have words for it yet, or even realized what was normal and not normal. I have to believe the truth that we did everything in our means to give them a safe home and unconditional love. We have continued to do that—as best as we know how–as they have had to navigate adulthood. We have three grown sons who are actively a part of our lives.

Is having three enough when I have photos everywhere offour?

I don’t know. I’m living in an “I don’t know” time of mylife.

This piece of the Bible speaks about “I don’t know” times oflife, John 16:12-15:

“There is so much more I want to tell you, but you can’t bear it now. When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future. He will bring me glory by telling you whatever he receives from me. All that belongs to the Father is mine; this is why I said, ‘The Spirit will tell you whatever he receives from me.’”

Do you see that lovely“I don’t know” time period?

While we are in it the Spirit of truth comes to guide us into the truth.

I can overwhelm myself with the “what ifs” and even worse“what I should have done.” I could do that because that is something I can do.During “I don’t know” time periods I just want to do something! So shamingmyself is a way for me to control the outcome.

But as I mentioned, shame lies. Shame changes the truth ofthe story.

The truth is I do not control this outcome.

We moms love to control the outcome. But when it comes toour prodigals, we cannot. Thus the fears that swirl inside of us and make uscrazy.

My fear is real. This is a fact. I have my son’s repeatedbehavior as proof that permanent separation is possible. So my fear sends mycrazy mind thinking that if I just knew what he was thinking and that this washis decision, I think I might live through it. It’s like I’m setting myself up nowfor the coming hurt so it won’t hurt as much when or if it does it happen.

But do you see it? It is the lie I’m telling myself so Iwon’t hurt as much if this does come to be. I’m trying to control the outcomeagain.

How can I protect my heart from such a devastating outcomewhile trusting that the Holy Spirit is telling me just what the Father wants meto hear at this time? By staying in this holy tension. By not jumping to aconclusion to protect my heart before it becomes reality. Holy tension definedhere is the discomfort of being stuck in between but knowing that if you canmake a brave vulnerable decision something holy is going to happen. Holytension is very much a part of a brave life.

The truth is I love a son who struggles. I know I will love him no matter what the outcome of his life is. This is parent’s heart stuff that is part of the core of who we are as parents. This means my heart will be smashed again. This also means that I truly put the skin on this life quote of mine:

“The brokenhearted are indeed the bravest among us—they dared to love, and they dared to forgive.”

Dr. Brene Brown, Rising Strong, p. 156

So my son is not talking with us right now. This doesn’t mean that I’m not a parent to him. It certainly means I’m not out pursuing him, bantering him, begging him, guilting him to stay in relationship with us. It means I trust God for the outcome and every minute I have loved this beautiful boy has made me a better person. This better person is learning to lean into listening to the Holy Spirit who is revealing to me all that I can know from the Father at this very time, this “I don’t know” time.

This leaning in requires me to be still, to pray, to stop my frantic brain, to study God’s word deeper, to ask others to pray for me (because there are times I cannot pray), to sometimes ask others to carry my pain. In other words, to do behaviors that will make me a better person. A better person of faith.

Which makes my identity not as my son’s mom but as God’sdelight.

One of those identities is not possible right now. The otheris where my brave life starts from.

This article was originally published here, one prodigal mother to another.

The post Will I be okay if I have a son in pictures and memories only while he has a life away from us? appeared first on Bravester.

What Happened in 2020

As if dating was vulnerable enough… 2020 brought a whole new definition for risky dating.

You may know that I love reading stats. At least half of my email subscriptions are from research companies I trust. This is simply a fact about dating in 2020 and 2021.

51% of singles have given up on love during the pandemic.

–YPulse, February 25, 2021

Sigh but true, right? I get why it was easier to “shelter-in-place” than to try to date. Because really, this is what an actual date would have looked like. And the guy could have even been this hairy because he couldn’t get a haircut during the shutdown.

So why try.

Or you did try a dating app or two or 10 but that was the same thing as hanging out on Instagram. It was a lot of scrolling, maybe a comment or two, and likely some ghosting. Even you did the ghosting because you were just not “up” for going out on a date. Or you met this guy…

It does help to laugh about it. That’s one of my goals here. 2020 (and 2021, because this is not ending any time soon) is going to be something we talk about for years to come. Memes are one of the best ways to describe what 2020 was like.

Maybe you made some of the best memories ever while sheltering-in-place. Maybe you grew a lot in your faith. Maybe you took the time to find some healing from former wounds. Maybe you saved a lot of money.

I hope there was lots of growth of you in 2020. Dear reader of Brave Dating, may this not be you.

Because it is time to try dating again. Sign up for the 8-day email series to get the best, practical, and possible dating tips. Read more here because I have a lot to say to you.

I wrote this a while back. 8 Reasons Why Dating is Still Complicated, Even Brave Dating. I could change the title to “9 Reasons…” and add the Covid protocols. Dating after Covid-life doesn’t remove any of these reasons why dating is complicated. But dating is still something you can try again. Give a good character person a chance!

Because you are worthy of a bigger world. Have some vanity.

With the love of a God who pursues you–and has never changed his mind in that pursuit of you–it is hard to remain a victim to your life. You grow to have this desire to overcome. This also includes trying to date again.

When you are an overcomer, the present is controlled by your choices, in spite of the real pain of your past. Be an overcomer. Overcome 2020 like…

Another stat from the YPulse webinar I attended. Don’t believe the numbers people are touting about the increase of divorce in 2020. No doubt some relationships suffered–because they were already suffering before 2020. But…

71% of those in a relationship say their relationship grew stronger during the pandemic.

–YPulse, February 25, 2021

Those are some overcomers.

The post What Happened in 2020 appeared first on Bravester.

Bitterness and Revenge Are Not Protecting You (Even Though They Feel Like a Friend)

Have you ever been so angry about an unfair thing that you’ve scared yourself?

Anger, as well as fear, are not signs that you are carrying unforgiveness. Anger is a part of the grieving process and this unfair thing certainly is a loss of something. Fear is a loss of control of what you know and this unfair thing has changed your entire world.

Let me first apologize to you for anyone who has spoken shame into your life because you are struggling to forgive someone. Forgiveness is a Christian fundamental and it is also complicated. I preached a 15-week series on forgiveness just to teach this fundamental of faith. It is complicated. Forgiveness is a journey that begins in pain and ends in hope. You are on a journey. Anger is a part of that journey.

But unforgiveness grows in rumination. Remember that forgiveness is God’s gift to human hearts that are prone to turn hurt into hate.  You are hurt. I’m worried about that hurt turning into hate.

Anger and bitterness are different. Bitterness is an optionfor you. In response to anger, you can choose between bitterness andforgiveness. One of those is a brave decision. One of those feels like a friendof protection.

One of those protections is we believe bitterness gives expectations that God and/or those around us will fix the unfair, get us back to our normal, and will give us the apologies we think we deserve. I so badly want the unfair fixed. I understand this. I want to be justified for my feelings.

The core of bitterness is not hate but hurt. This unfair has changed your life, probably for forever. This hurt is real. Thus why bitterness feels like your friend. It is some way to control how this unfair thing has caused you to lose control of your life.

To try to regain any semblance of control, we can choose bitterness and sweet revenge. I can so easily justify that if people aren’t going to be made to pay for what they’ve done to me externally, at least I can make them pay by harboring bitterness against them. The only legal revenge most of us have access to is resentment.

Resentment does not lead to the brave decision of forgiveness. Resentment sounds like hardness. It sounds like your soul is becoming hard.

Then there is this soft thought. Bitterness isn’t found in those whose hearts are hard but rather in whose hearts are most tender. Bitter people are not necessarily hard-hearted. Bitter people have been made to feel unsafe.

When you already live with the unfair, to feel unsafe is just too much. You feel pure fear of being hurt again. You search for anyway to feel safe again. Bitterness feels like that friend that makes you feel safe again. Resentment feels like that extra protection.

Protection becomes the motivation behind bitterness toprotect the tender heart you desire.

But bitterness lies. Bitterness turns the hurt into hate.

There is so much hate in this world right now.

Bitterness will not only rob you of love, empathy, hope, creativity, and joy. It will lead you on a path to start dehumanizing others. Bitterness will not be satisfied until your soft heart is changed and it has taught you how to hate your neighbor and to distrust God.

There is so much dehumanizing in this world right now.

Ephesians 4:32 encourages us to be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just asGod through Christ has forgiven you. A practice of forgiving one anotherleads to kindness and tenderheartedness.

We are coming full circle. Bitterness hardens your heart.Forgiveness makes you tenderhearted.

Our world needs more tenderhearted and less dehumanizing.

If only we let go of our justified reasons to not forgive. If only we understood forgiveness better. This brave decision of forgiveness is one of the core fundamentals of the Christian faith for a reason. It is the way of Jesus.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

The post Bitterness and Revenge Are Not Protecting You (Even Though They Feel Like a Friend) appeared first on Bravester.

You Heal When You Forgive Unfair

About that long journey to healing.

I’m sorry that I can’t offer you a quick fix. There is abattle going on for your soul. It is a battle worth fighting. You are worth thebattle. There will be pain but pain is your beginning.

The process of healing begins with pain. This is found in Romans 5:3-5. Out of my broken heart I can find a way to set new goals and strengthen my tenacity muscles because I believe worthiness is my birthright. I can make the decision (and this is a me-thing not a God-thing) to find a Plan B. God is the source of my hope (and yours) because God has hard-wired me to endure and make it through.

You already are feeling pain so may you desire to findhealing.

When you realize that God has hard-wired you for pain, you realize the possibility to overcome. And I’ll add the word triumph.

Triumph means battle. The battle is prerequisite for the victory. The victory is on the other side of the battle.

–Pastor Michael Todd

Battles are always unfair. You don’t fight fair in a battle.

Unfair things have happened to you. This is why your heart is so smashed. This unfair thing has caused you to feel helpless. To feel anger. To feel vengeful. To want to control this outcome—or any outcome. To feel some power. …To ask three different women to tattoo your name onto them so you feel loved. (Read that story.)

These women had nothing to do with the unfair thing thathappened. But you powered over them in an effort to make that unfair thingfair.

And you still feel unloved.

Unfair leads to offense. You are hurt by offenses. Your hurtothers by offending them. It’s a wicked web of pain.

You can’t make fair out of what is unfair.

This is an exhausting and soul-sucking way to live.

To heal you have to validate the unfair thing(s) thathappened. Not justify it with some excuse. Not make yourself small so you canbe okay with it. Not ignore it. Not power over it. Not try to change your lifewithout healing this root—because this root will destroy your new life nomatter how hard you try for it to not. You will offend those you love the mostby your trying to ignore this unhealed root of unfairness.

You have to name the unfairness. You have to feel theunfairness. Which you already do as you are trying to power over and numb anddesperately fill that hole in your heart. You think holding on to that unfairthing is actually protecting yourself.

You heal when you forgive unfair.

How can this be?

Forgiveness and correcting wrong are two different things. You are not being asked to correct the wrong. Or to make the unfair fair. This is God’s responsibility. And trust me, God is all about justice. Especially justice for you whom he loves so much.

Forgiveness is one of those brave choices. Daring to forgiveis how I move from victim to hero in my story.

Even though forgiveness is commanded from God, we ignore or we justify away or simply refuse. Forgiving these others feels like too much for God to ask from you. God has got to understand why it is too much (he still does) so you think you don’t have to. You simply can’t forgive.

But…forgiveness is God’s gift to human hearts that are prone to turn hurt into hate.

You know this to be true. You feel the hate that used tojust be hurt. You are tired of this wicked web of pain.

Forgiveness becomes possible because you are deciding tocooperate with what Jesus has already done. This is what forgiving thisperson(s) is being asked of you. Then you go on this journey of forgiveness.

No where along the journey are you asked to:

Let go of healthy forms of anger. Allow others to continue to disrespect your needs and boundaries.Lie down and becoming a human doormat.Tell the wrongdoer that the past is no longer significant and everything’s fine now.Forgive and forget. Agree to any sort of relationship with the one who hurt you.Pretend to go back to normal as if nothing happened.Deny that you may still have to live with pain caused by the wrongful action.Condone the bad behavior or justify the offense.Wait for an apology first.

Forgiveness is having “a memorable moment in time when we’re saying, ‘I’ve decided I have suffered long enough because of what other people have done to me. So I’m going to sever myself from this unforgiveness attachment to this source of suffering. I am going to walk in healing.’”  –Lysa TerKeurst, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget

God is with you. In all of the unfairness. The unfair ishard but God is still with you.

Psalm 37:28 – For the Lord loves justice, and he will never abandon the godly.

Psalm 6:8-9 – Go away, all you who do evil, for the Lord has heard my weeping. The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer.

Psalm 103:6 – The Lord gives righteousness and justice to all who are treated unfairly.

These are just three verses out of so very many in the Bible.

You heal when you forgive the unfair. You stay stuck if you don’t. Aren’t you tired of being stuck? Or being so angry? Or so small?

Forgiveness is one of those brave decisions. Also commanded by God throughout the Bible. Try this new way. Find your triumph. Walk in healing.

You are worth the battle. You will overcome.

P.S. Do you want some deeper and helpful insight on these thoughts. Watch Michael Todd’s message. It is worth the hour+ time.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

The post You Heal When You Forgive Unfair appeared first on Bravester.