Brenda Seefeldt Amodea's Blog, page 16

We Can’t Be in a Relationship with Everybody We Love

Love is not enough.

Some people don’t love you back. Some people are too toxic.

This hurts you. This causes you to go through all of the stages of grief. Do grieve because this is a loss that matters.

Because this is a loss that matters it doesn’t mean you should hang to hope to have this person back. Or you should contort yourself to get this person back. We can’t be in a relationship with everybody we love.

It is heartbreaking to want to be in a relationship with someone you love while also realizing you can’t due to this person’s unacceptable behavior. You know this behavior is unacceptable in your soul–as your soul is breaking. Love is not enough. Pay attention to this emotion of pain. God is leading you somewhere.

This may apply to your love relationship. This may also apply to that unhealthy family member. Or that unhealthy friendship. Love is not enough for a relationship based on feelings, DNA, or titles. There is more to love than this.

When love and relationship are put into a proper and healthy perspective, we understand what Jesus meant when He said, “Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?” He points to the disciples and says, “Here are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of my father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother (Matthew 12:46-50). In other words, Jesus was saying, relationship love is a verb, it produces fruit, it’s based on actions and behavior that the word validates (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) — not simply feelings and titles. –Patrick Weaver

Relationship love is a verb, it produces fruit. What is the fruit in your life from this person whom you love so much? Make this truthful list. Ask your team to help you make this list. What are they seeing as the fruit of your life? Is this good fruit or bad fruit?

We talk about boundaries here a lot. Let’s put that question this way. How many of your boundaries are being trampled?

Are you excusing behavior that is disrespectful?Are you giving in to things that are not in accord with your values?Are you settling for the crumbs of this relationship?Are you staying in a relationship that you know has passed its deadline? Have your gift of people told you this too?Have you gone back into a relationship that you know should be over or have stronger boundaries? (It’s hard to end a DNA relationship but you are in charge of those stronger boundaries.)This doesn’t just apply to that person you are dating. This is also that friend who continues to mistreat you. Or that family member.

Up until now you’ve been hoping that your love would be enough to help this person you love so much become aware of the unacceptable behavior. You know you can’t change him/her but you have hoped to love this person enough so he/she can figure out these behaviors are unacceptable and do need to change. If not you, who else? You must stay. You must love. You must love unconditionally—and lie to yourself about how your soul is breaking.

Love is supposed to heal you and not damage you.

Your body is keeping score. Your viscera (stomach and intestines) have nerve cells (neurons) that send data via a lightning-fast neural pathway called lamina I in your spinal cord up to your brain. When your gut speaks, it is telling the brain what is going on. This information is raw, primary and unfiltered.

Your soul and your body knows that something is wrong. You can lead your brain. You can learn that ending or putting up boundaries in that relationship is the best thing for you. It is bringing joy, peace, and happiness back into your life again. Aren’t those supposed to be a part of love too? Don’t you want to be free from that gut-clenching—a true physical reaction?

Love pries open your chest and pulls open the door of your heart so someone can walk right in and make this mess that remakes you into something more beautiful.

–Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way, p. 131

You are becoming more beautiful. I’m not sure you believe me at this very moment but you are. Pain is your beginning and there will be a beautiful ending. Worthy you is worthy of more beauty.

Love doesn’t require relationship, relationship requires behavior that agrees with your Savior. 

–Patrick Weaver

Ponder and twist this quote around in your mind for a while?

Read also: Run Away From the One Who Wants to Fix You

The post We Can’t Be in a Relationship with Everybody We Love appeared first on Bravester.

The Real of Waiting for Your Love for a Lifetime

I want to start with these words because they are real. They are from a writer who’s every words I read. She’s so brave on her journey so when she wrote this I stood up and clapped for her. Because I have these questions for God on her behalf also. I shake my fists at God on her behalf. Maybe on your behalf too.

A long time ago, I reasoned that my waiting was a time for healing, maturing and learning my identity. I understood that some people are called to do this work with a partner in their marriage, however, I was called to do it beforehand. In all honesty, I feel that at this point in my life story, those things that God wanted to work out in me in my youth, He has done. I feel that the level of healing, maturity and understanding of purpose and identity have been reached. And that causes my own eyes to tear up with questions. Why am I waiting? –Nicole Miller https://betterthanwine.net/2021/11/29...

Right?!!!!!!!

There is real holy tension in that question. Holy tension is the discomfort of being stuck in between but knowing that if you can make a brave vulnerable decision something holy is going to happen. So I don’t have answers here. Just venting what you are venting hoping you don’t feel alone in the waiting as you continue to make the brave decisions to find your love of a lifetime.

Because can’t God bring you that someone to at least help you move that couch? Or to ask about that car question? Or come with you to that doctor appointment? For me in my long years of singleness I was on staff at churches. I was so tired of the looks and whispered questions because I was a pastor who was dating. Couldn’t God just bring me my partner now so I can focus on the real of ministry and not on other people’s small-mindedness?

These are real needs. I also desperately wanted my someone to take me to that doctor appointment instead of the random person who signed up to drive me. I was sick quite a lot when I was single and had to share processing the news from that appointment with someone who I knew wouldn’t be with me at the next appointment. Some of them were the same ones who were gossiping about me being a single pastor.

The longing to have someone whom you know is your first phone call or who will partner with you in the logistics of life is why you feel this waiting time is unfair. What is wrong with these longings?

These are the right things to ask God for. There is no selfish motive in them. This is nothing about loneliness or other needs that you might regularly shame yourself for having.

This isn’t the only shame you struggle with. When you are asked to have dinner with friends from your small group or that great Godly older couple invites you to their home, you are that odd-numbered plate on the table. No one ever says anything because they really are glad you are there. It is you who feels the odd one out with that single place setting. You hate it so much that sometimes you turn these good offers down.

You suffer from shame for this longing for a love for a lifetime because of a teaching from your church or youth group teachings that are still stuck in your head. Or from reading some of those Christian books or listening to some of those Christian podcasts. All things you should be doing to grow yourself along the way. But sometimes these people do shame you for wanting that love relationship. Right? This is so wrong.

You can long for love companionship without the shame. Because this longing is good. Infuriating at times too. It is this longing that is leading you to make the brave decision to brave decision to brave decision to wait for the right match. I honor you.                   

Some of those brave decisions are you deciding to grow and heal now before marriage. You have come so far and still no match. Why God?

Then you go to the wedding of a couple who you know has a trainwreck of a relationship. Why does she get to be married while still having so much growth work to do and here you are sitting at another odd-numbered place setting for the reception?

Another reason to dread that wedding reception (but still go to support that friend whom you love)–the stupid advice married people will give you. Such as how they found their partner when they weren’t looking. Which properly interpreted means I should stop this longing in order to “trick God” into leading me to someone. What a stupid thing to say. It is also probably untruthful because this how they choose to remember their single struggle. The worst of this advice is compiled here.

Good things come to those that wait, right? That’s a platitude and I wrote a book about how platitudes are said not to help you but to remove the one saying it from your pain.

Maybe the waiting is because your right match is still growing. This is the one answer I have learned from my love story. It is an answer that does not satisfy me at all though I do love my love for a lifetime.

I got married later in my life to John. I dated a lot. I turned down marriage proposals (though they were all nonsensical ones). I lived our Brave Dating mantra:

Live your life to the full bravely following after Jesus. Now. As you are living bravely, who is keeping up with you? This is the match for you.

Brenda Seefeldt Amodea

This is how I ended up with John. He kept up with me.

But I’m John’s third wife. That’s a whole other article about how God and I wrestled about my faithful waiting to end up being a third wife. Which means I had to wait to get married later until John found Jesus and was divorced…again. So why did I have to wait so long because of John’s mistakes? John fully sees the Holy Spirit wooing him to Jesus through all of those years. He sees that now. Meanwhile I was waiting and dating and waiting and dating trusting God for the right match.

I have no doubt that I married the right match. We are celebrating 25 years of marriage. But to have an answer that I had to wait til John was catching up to me does not rest well in my soul. I don’t have any other wisdom on this. It is an answer that just doesn’t rest well in my soul.  

So waiting friend whom I honor, I understand. As I cheer you on. Keep on making those brave decisions. God will give you this desire of your heart. You won’t forget about what you’ve learned in these single years and you won’t forget about your loneliness and your frustrations with God over it. But to wait for that love for a lifetime match is so worth it. It is worth every brave decision.

The post The Real of Waiting for Your Love for a Lifetime appeared first on Bravester.

Hope is Having Bloody Fists

I cannot even tell you which words by Jo Saxton I like the most. Is it hope having a tear-stained face? Is it hope having bloody fists? Because I know my hope has.

Or is it because I have learned that hope does fight for the hardest parts of my life. I know my hope has. My hope is not necessarily pretty.

My brave broken-hearted life has taught me that hope is not pretty and involves gutty vulnerable me. It is not this ethereal platitude which is popular everywhere.

What I’ve collected here is what I’ve learned about hope. Some comes from life. Some comes from Dr. Brene’ Brown who has surprising scientific research about this. Some comes from wise others who I listen to.

Hope is not a feeling. It is a cognitive behavior sequence.

Hope is not a wish nor is it a prayer. I do hope in prayer but hope doesn’t offload this or easy button this to God. I still live in the holy tension of I don’t know what to expect.

Hope doesn’t guarantee me the expected outcome.

Hope involves me and my vulnerability. Again, I can’t offload this to God.

Hope doesn’t ignore fear, anxiety, and doubt; hope confronts fear, anxiety, and doubt. This is where the bloody fists come from. I walk with a limp too.

Hope is expressed not in certainty but in curiosity. It is my curiosity that keeps me leaning in to hope.

Hope is found in the small, everyday-ness of life. Not just the extraordinary or the exceptional. This could be (and time always varies such things) the feel of the sun on my face, the sound of the rain outside my window, the cool grass underneath my bare feet, or eating a whole bag of chips (such a treat for me!).

Hope is a function of struggle.

Hope leads to resiliency. “Hope has scraped knees, because it keeps crawling forward.” Those scraped knees are part of my beauty.

Hope moves me forward.

Hope lightens my darkness. I have learned where God is in that darkness. Something I will never forget.

Hope increases my faith.

Hope is infectious.

St. Augustine described hope this way,

“Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are.”

Do you see how anger and courage are a part of hope?

Hence why hope has a vulnerable heart and bloodied fists. Why hope is sweaty and keeps crawling forward. Without hope, I couldn’t involve my emotions to have the resiliency to keep on crawling. Hopelessness shuts off these emotions. Easy-buttoning to God protects me from these emotions.

Are you starting to see how hope involves you?

This is not the kind of hope that ignores current circumstances. This is not the kind of hope that goes around current circumstances. This is not the kind of hope that dismisses current circumstances.

This is the kind of hope that can come only in the midst of my circumstances. Hope does fight for the hardest parts of my life.

This comes from Dr. Brene’ Brown and her research. Hope is a combination of:  setting goals; having the tenacity and perseverance to pursue those goals; believing that worthiness is your birthright so something good is going to happen to you. Simply defined, hope is Plan B. I have the ability to make a Plan B and this is where my hope grows.

Plan A has crushed me at times. Things were supposed to go this one way but it didn’t happen. I can wallow (I have). I can be angry at God (I have). I can turn that anger outward on to many people (I have).

But when I can make the decision to make a Plan B I have found hope. I have felt my anger and I have found my courage to move me to believe that I am worthy of a different outcome.

Some of you struggle with your worthiness to understand the brave audacity of that statement. Pay attention to that. Keep growing.

Plan B has also crushed me but I have chosen to set goals, my tenacity gives me room to change and revise those goals because deep down I know I’m worthy of having something good happen to me.

I loved my Plan A. I loved my Plan B. I love my Plan M and am hoping. Curiosity has me engaged. I still have hope because I still believe in the larger story.

Hope without a realistic reason to believe then becomes a wish. Hoping that I or someone else will change, or that a situation will be different, will not make it a reality. There must be a real reason to believe and to try again.

Wishes keep you safe from disappointment too because you don’t have to be emotionally involved.

Beauty is uncomfortable. Vulnerability is uncomfortable. Hope having bloodied fists is uncomfortable.

But what a life this larger story is! A safe faith says, “I know you are omnipotent so I will feel helpless while I wait on you.” A brave faith says, “Here is my cry and here is my anger and here is how I feel. Thank you for blessing the godly.”

What a life this cognitive behavior sequence is! I hope my hope is infectious to you.

So infectious that you will sit in the holy tension of all of this. Highlight that one sentence that captured you. Post it on your mirror. Put it on your lockscreen. Allow it to bloody up your faith for at least a week.

So what did you learn?

May you live slightly braver as I am also.

The post Hope is Having Bloody Fists appeared first on Bravester.

What to do With Your Pain. Start Here.

Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us.

Ecclesiastes 7:3

This nugget sounds like it came out of a fortune cookie. Or found on a meme. It is straight scripture full of that truth that hits your soul on a deep level. You too?  

Sadness does have a refining influence on us.

That verse is from the NLT version. This is from the NIV. Frustration is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. Ecclesiastes 7:3.

This refining influence is good for the heart. Even your broken heart.

This pain can heal or this pain can separate. (Read The Ways You Offload Your Pain or every article in Ways You’d Rather Deal with Pain and you will see the separation.)

This pain is a beginning or this pain is a door to distrusting God.

Here are three things I have learned.  

Pain is only the beginning, There will be a beautiful new chapter.

An ending happened and it feels like the end. This is why it hurts so much. We are in need of a beginning. Pain is the signal of that new beginning.

If the most important thing in life is the person you become, then growing is one of the hardest things you will ever do.

Pain feels hard. Pain feels unfair. Pain exposes vulnerability (but that’s not a bad thing, it just feels awful). Pain leads to confusion.

Here’s the beautiful thing about confusion. From the research that Dr. Brene’ Brown does:

“It turns out that confusion, like many uncomfortable things in life, is vital for learning. According to research, confusion as the potential to motivate, lead to deep learning, and trigger problem solving. A study by Sidney D’Mello found that when we’re trying to work through our confusion, we need to stop and think, engage in careful deliberation, develop solution, and revise how we approach the next problem.” –Atlas of the Heart, Dr. Brene’ Brown, p. 62

 Like many uncomfortable things in life, confusion is vital to learning. You are on your way.

The meaning and purpose behind our pain is that it’s freeing us–one painful layer at a time–from our anxieties and attachments, from our shadow self. And it’s maturing us, if we let it. Pain is this hidden gift. Healing rarely comes without pain.

But it does suck right now. Pain is this hidden gift is not a platitude to cover up the real of your pain.

Find your gift of people.

I mention very often about the danger of numbing our emotions so be as shocked as I was when I read this. And then laugh. John Mark Comer wrote this for a leadership blog.

I asked Ronald Rolheiser about how to deal with transference. He lit up and said:

I asked Ronald Rolheiser about how to deal with transference. He lit up and said:

“Transference is the number one thing they don’t teach you in seminary,” he said. “Seminary prepares you to do ministry, but it doesn’t prepare you for what ministry will do to you.”

Then I asked, “How do I process that in prayer?”

“Do you drink alcohol?”

“Whaa… Yes, but…”

Get a bottle of something good, get together with a few other leaders who get the pain, and just hold each other.”

That I will do with my gift of people!!!! I wrote a book about this but I didn’t include doing it with good alcohol!

With my people (and this is boundaried) I find healthy ways to grow to where this pain is leading me. These people hear my confusion, don’t give me platitudes or drive-by prayers, do pray for me, check in on me, and tell me when they see me growing—because sometimes I don’t see it. What a gift.

Some of my favorite people are the ones who will get mad at God with me.Trust God who sees you.

No matter how safe your gift of people are, there are some things you only feel safe to share with God. Make the time to be your honest self with God. All the pain, all the ugly, all the doubt, all the confusion, all the anger.

This is faith mixed with total confusion. This is what faith looks like. A safe faith says, “I know you are omnipotent so I will feel helpless while I wait on you.” A brave faith says, “Here is my cry and here is my anger and here is how I feel. Thank you for blessing the godly.”

That sounds like most of the Psalms to me. I trust this God who will hear my pain and place those same thoughts throughout the Bible.

I have learned from years of God’s faithfulness that I do not need to fear my pain but I can find God in the midst of it, in that darkness. When I live such a brave faith, my trust issues with God become less and I grow to have no doubt about this. I am growing. I am growing that God’s love is for me and to not interpret God’s love by life’s circumstances

Pain has a Holy Spirit magic way of making you beautiful.

That is not a platitude either. It is something I have learned.

I am suffering well. I am maturing. I am seeing beautiful magic in my life. Sadness does have a refining influence on me.

Photo by David Vázquez on Unsplash

The post What to do With Your Pain. Start Here. appeared first on Bravester.

The Ways You Offload Your Pain

We are better at causing pain than sitting in our own pain.

Do you, like so many others, do almost anything to not feel pain? Very few people have the bravery to feel the pain without rationalizing, blaming, or shutting down. Even me. I still rationalize, blame, and shut down to offload my pain. I have my moments. But they are just that—moments. Because I have learned that God has hard-wired me for pain and pain is always a beginning. Pain signals a beginning so I pick myself up and look for the brave decisions to be made to move me along to this larger story.

This is way better than becoming disembodied from my experiences and disconnected from my people. That is the fruit of these offloading (thus numbing) behaviors. Every time. You will see when you read this. You will understand because you have lived this.

Emotion Modification

Yep, this is changing, reframing, skimming the surface of emotions so you don’t have to feel the actual emotion. Emotion modification is putting that mask on you. You are putting that heavy mask on you. (As you judge so many others as fake?)

Every emotion reveals a belief about who we are and what we want. Every emotion shows us where we have placed our identity and our value. Every emotion reveals how we see God. If we want to reshape our emotions, we need to address the underlying beliefs.

Especially anger. Anger most often is covering up one of these more vulnerable emotions:  loneliness, rejection, fear, anxiety, frustration, confusion, grief, hurt, sadness, isolation, shame, jealousy, helplessness, overwhelming stress, humiliation, embarrassment, depression.

Do you see how it is easier to be angry than to feel any one of these emotions?

Embrace the emotions, especially the ones you’re afraid of and the ones for which people have wrongly judged you. They are real. They are valid. They aren’t bad in and of themselves. Emotional vulnerability is a strength. Emotions are tunnels that always lead us to God. To God who created emotions. Perhaps so we can understand God better?

Emotion is a testing ground. What do your emotions reveal about your identity? Where have you ultimately placed your trust? Is there a disconnect between how you feel and God’s promises? Now those are healthy conversations to have.

Some of my favorite people are the ones who will get mad at God with me.We Armor Up

This is straight Dr. Brene’ Brown research because it makes so much sense. We’ve all done this—at least once.

“When we’re in fear, or an emotion is driving self-protection, there’s a fairly predictable pattern of how we assemble our armor, piece by piece:

I’m not enoughIf I’m honest with them about what’s happening, they’ll think less of me or maybe even use it against me.No way am I going to be honest about this. No one else does it. Why do I have to put myself out there?Yeah. Screw them. I don’t see them being honest about what scares them. And they’ve got plenty of issues.It’s actually their issues and shortcomings that make me act this way. This is their fault, and they’re trying to blame me.In fact, now that I think about it, I’m actually better than them.

“People think it’s a long walk from ‘I’m not enough’ to ‘I’m better than them,’ but it’s actually just standing still. In the exact same place. In fear. Assembling the armor.” –Dare to Lead, Dr. Brene Brown, pp. 51-52

Do you see what I mean by all we’ve done this at least once?

Projection

Ugh. There are regrets with this one. Projection is the unconscious process of projecting emotions, desires, or character traits that you don’t like about yourself onto someone else. Until you see yourself doing this and you hate yourself for doing this. Then maybe some armoring up happens. It’s a wicked cycle.

A common example of this for me is when John is trying to teach me a new techy application. I feel stupid as he’s teaching me so I catch myself trying to make him feel stupid. Often it’s in some off-handed comment that is totally unnecessary. It is wiser for me to embrace the vulnerability that I don’t understand technology and to be grateful that I have a patient partner who does and who puts up with me.

This gratefulness takes a while to learn because my vulnerability is quite uncomfortable. And that unnecessary comment can be a “fun” zinger to make. Except it is mean and ungrateful.

Projection is a form of blame shifting (see more below) rooted in fear of shame so you want to shame other people. Much of so-called “cancel culture” is a form of projection. It is an attempt to offload the fear of shame by shaming and rejecting others.

Transference

This one is a bit harder to see. It takes self-reflection and leaning into your vulnerability. In transference you take the hurt of what someone did earlier to you and place it on someone new.

A simple example is you were single, dumped, and thusly broken-hearted by a pastor you were dating so now you don’t trust any pastor. You have this emotional trigger based on some unhealed trauma but you don’t recognize it. You only see the many reasons why people shouldn’t trust pastors. Yet this is only you. You are projecting that everyone feels this way about pastors. When you find out that not everyone feels this way you armor up or blame shift. Oh the wicked cycle.

I wish this was all so simply seen as my example. This pain is often rooted much deeper. It is the reason why you keep choosing bad matches to date. Or the reason why you can’t keep a friend for more than 6 months. It is the reason for your rejection anxiety. It is the reason why you don’t lean into your vulnerability and you keep your world small.

All of these reasons sound so justified until you find the trigger and see your pattern.

Let’s think about that new friend you just made. The one you have high hopes for to truly see you, maybe even carry your pain. You don’t see it but you are transferring all of your unfulfilled desires to be accepted, to be part of an “in” group, and to be included like you were not when you were hurt as a child. But your new friend is human with human limitations. One day something is going to set you off, some kind of emotional trigger based on your past trauma. You will feel betrayed. You will feel justified in that betrayal. So you cut this friend off and feed yourself the story that something is wrong with her. When in reality, your friend is growing in this relationship just like you are. He/she’s not perfect either.

Transference is especially acute with any kind of authority figure who you put in as a “stand in” for a previous authority figure who created the trauma. You are looking for someone to “stand in” because your heart has a hole missing from the one who caused the trauma. Your “stand in” is not perfect either.

There is a lot of pain wrapped up in all of this. This is a cycle until you decide to heal and break this pattern. 

Blame-Shifting

Blame-shifting actually hides our desire to find some control in this crazy and painful world.

Enemies serve at least two psychological purposes in our lives. First, they give us someone to blame so we don’t have to face reality and take responsibility for our own life, to grow and to mature, or to face our shame. Second, they give us a sense of control when the world around us feels out of control.

Our enemies are the people we “other” so we think our lives are better or so we feel in control of our outcomes. When we “other” others or dehumanize others the world feels less disordered and less scary and maybe evil is under control. Do you see how fear is treated like it is a good for us? Enemies give us an object for our fears so we can justify our fears as being good for us.  

We see this so clearly in the political arena. Politicians from the Right make statements that undocumented immigrants are ruining our country and politicians from the Left act like every Trump voter is a white supremacist. The psychological trade-off with politicians is we put them in control as a way to help us feel in control and safe.

Some of you know this fear and repeat these fabled storylines. Some of you are leaning into your vulnerability and are trying to see this broken world with a braver lens than these simplifications–and that triggers some fear still. Blaming others becomes a comfort.

Just that sentence reads so un-Jesus-like that it hurts.

What if you were not afraid of your pain? Of your broken-heart?

Pain is not a mistake to fix.

We are hard-wired for pain.

Healing rarely comes without pain.

And lastly, remember this. Pain is not a mistake to fix. It is the signal of a new beginning.

You will make it through. You will grow. You are worthy of every daily progress. God is with you in every bit of this darkness too.

Then voila! One day you will realize that pain has this Holy Spirit way of making you beautiful.

I wish it was voila. Time is part of this process. But once you start with pain as your beginning, the process can start and this new beautiful chapter can be written. Stop the offloading and the stalling of the process.

(Photo by Jilbert Ebrahimi on Unsplash)

The post The Ways You Offload Your Pain appeared first on Bravester.

A 3.5 Hour Coffee is Not a Coffee Date

I am a big believer in coffee dates.

But not for 3.5 hours. I don’t care how great the connection was to extend the coffee date for that long. This relationship is starting off muddled already. If it starts at all.

The design of a coffee date is to get to know someone in real life (IRL). You have moved from texts and phone calls to face-to-face. This is a big step to figuring out chemistry–something important to notice.

Any coffee shop location is almost always designed to be conducive for conversation. Two coffees, and maybe a snack, are on the budget-side for meeting with someone new. The length of time a coffee and conversation takes allows for an easy exit if things aren’t going well. The public location of a coffee shop makes it a safe public meeting place. Thus you have the coffee date. It is meeting someone new to discover who you are and thusly get to know someone, do something fun, and with no pressure.

A coffee date is not a relationship. It is the starting place to discover who you are while mixing the chemistry with another person. And most importantly, what did you learn about you on this coffee date?

Read:  How Do You Want to be Remembered After a Date?

A 3.5 hour coffee date is not a coffee date. Someone or both someones are “spilling too much tea.” (Get it? Not coffee.)

Like everything else involved with dating—and with your healthy mental health—a coffee date requires boundaries. The boundary should be 2 hours at the most. Maybe. Ideally less.

But why you ask? When there’s such a connection?

I know it feels so good to have someone be listening with rapt attention to your stories. It feels good to have that sort of attention–to be asked those questions which lead you to the stories you want to tell and to have that possible special someone nod and smile and give you affirmation that you do have an interesting and good life. You can do this in under 2 hours and not give away so much of yourself to someone you may or may not see again.

Read:  How Much to Share About You On Those Dates

There is a right pace of growth for a relationship. So much so fast is not growing anything well.

How about creating a little mystery about you? Leave this person wanting to know you more so there will be a second date. Mystery is not game-playing. Leaving a coffee date in under 2 hours is not game-playing. Mystery is allowing the relationship to grow well. It is giving space for growth. Part of attraction is simply mystery.

(This same rule applies to talking to someone everyday by phone or Facetime for weeks before there is a coffee date. If a few phone calls are going well, one of you better move forward and invite to meet in person. A coffee date is the safe way.)

It is also protecting your soul. This person may walk away with a piece of your soul eventually. Maybe even after this one coffee date. Only a good match should know that much about you.

Do you know what else a 3.5 hour coffee date says about you? It says you have a lonely and desperate life to allow time to waste away like that. Maybe you do have a lonely and desperate life but you don’t want this new person to know that yet. All of the time spent on the phone or on this coffee date definitely communicates that you have so little going on. It may also read that you are desperate.

And perhaps these unboundaried coffee dates lead to you attracting the same type. Again. No matter how much fun you are having.

Have a little vanity. Create a little mystery. Keep that coffee date to a boundary so this someone continues to want to get to know you.

Now that this next coffee date will be under 2 hours, you have time to read What Did You Learn About Yourself on That Coffee Date and ponder this good list of questions. With your team maybe?

(Photo by Ian Keefe on Unsplash)

The post A 3.5 Hour Coffee is Not a Coffee Date appeared first on Bravester.

So You Are Starting to Date Again. Good. Start Here.

Welcome back to this brave world of dating, again. I’m so glad that you believe that you are worthy of a love for a lifetime, again.

Deep down you do believe that you are worthy of a love for a lifetime again. But you are also filled with trepidation. So much is changing in the dating world. You are risking the chance of having your heart smashed. You are going to need to risk being vulnerably seen by someone new. Or maybe several someones until you can find that right match.

You are not alone though! You have your gift of people who will form your team support. You have me giving you all kinds of honest wisdom. I’m also available for a Zoom coffee. And you have your trust in God that he is with you through it all. This desire to start dating again didn’t just come from you. I believe God whispered it to you first.

We are all a mix of fear and faith so our trust always has issues. But trust that whisper. Trust how God is leading you into this new story in your life.

This time you are going to do dating differently, hopefully a bit better. Because you are wiser. Life has taught you some hard lessons. But those tough lessons have also taught you that you are a wonderful match! Have a little vanity about that! So let’s start here.

You have everything inside you that someone is seeking. Start with that truth which cannot be denied. Women, It’s Okay to Have a Little Vanity.

Who are your people whom will “carry your pain” through this next adventure? Find them. Identify them. Tell them. Invite them into this adventure with you.

Do this journaling work before you start dating. It will be fun and will help lessen some of your nerves. Do this also with a friend or two. This is a fun exercise. How Do You Want to Remembered After This Date?

How about being a better version of you this time? A truer version of you. You have learned, grown, and matured, right? This time you can be more “hard to get.” This is NOT a game-player. This is you knowing you so you can attract better. You can be attractive. Really. You Can Be One of Those Known as Hard to Get.

Need a little refresher to help your discerner. Here’s a starter list. Green Lights, Yellow Lights and Red Lights of Relationships.

Maybe you know this by now but I’m going to remind you anyway. Every guy/woman you date is going to be the wrong one until he/she is the one.

Search the Bravester site for “Brave Dating Practice.” There is more wisdom for you.

And remember remember remember this. A failed date does not define you. A failed date is a failed date. Are You Okay That You Were Rejected by a Bad Date?

Well beautiful you, you are on this journey of discovering who this new person is—and discovering who you are in the process. This is exciting. This is being vulnerable. This requires bravery.

I can’t wait to hear about it. (Do you want to have that Zoom coffee?)

The post So You Are Starting to Date Again. Good. Start Here. appeared first on Bravester.

Memes to Share About Faith Being Brave

Faith and bravery do go together. Because life is a broken road of faith. It is hard. It is bumpy. The road is not straight. The road is not even. It is definitely broken. Yet amazingly you are still moving down that road. There is not a failure too big to take you off of that road. That road is made up of the stories of your brave decisions and your failures all carried together with the unfailing love of God who pursues you through it all. God defines love as a pursuing force that is not dependent upon your response back. God is going to continue to pursue and love anyway because he is love. This is the Truth.

With God you have a chance to know that you are loved—supernaturally loved—therefore you are worthy and valuable and that God is personal with you. You are not alone on this brave and broken road of faith. You are an overcomer.

I define bravery as your decisions to actually trust God. That is full of vulnerability because with God there is not the guarantee of the controlled outcome you want. So you make small, deliberate tweaks to your thinking because you choose to give God more credibility than everyone else.

Brave faith is the real. Brave faith inspires others. Is brave faith your story?

The post Memes to Share About Faith Being Brave appeared first on Bravester.

A List to Help You Not Date Someone Who is Emotionally Unavailable

A rock never hopes, connects, or is brave.

You don’t want to date a rock, no matter how cute he is or how pretty she is. Or what kind of job he has. Or what kind of money she comes from.

An emotionally unavailable person does not make a good match–and is guaranteed heartbreak for you. Because you are going to try so hard, you are going to contort yourself so much, to make this relationship work. When it was never going to work in the first place.

The following is a list of red lights which will help you discern (part-brain, part-instinct, and part-Holy-Spirit) if this person is emotionally unavailable. Prayerfully you will read this and see clearly the truth about the one you are interested in. Or maybe you will read this and start justifying why your other is not this. That is a sign to you too.

I wish more for you. There is a better match for you out there.

He/she won’t open up about past, present or future. This should frustrate you because you are only receiving surface level answers. Despite your gentle prodding. Despite your openness. Deep level revealing should not happen on the first date or maybe even the tenth date but eventually it should happen. We are not meant to be rocks. All of the relationships in your life should grow so that you know each other. Aren’t you tired of the surface level answers to your questions?He/she has unhealed wounds. Maybe you’ve gotten into the deeper stuff in your conversations. Yet you keep seeing a pattern of stuckness because there are unhealed wounds. Someone can be aware of their wounds and still do nothing about healing those wounds. This is a red light so please notice it. These unhealed wounds will prevent your other from being emotionally available to you because he/she is too stuck in the emotions of that wound.He/she can’t let go of the past. More stuckness. You are not the one to help him/her move forward. I know you want to be the one because you see the good potential in this one (and maybe you also like to rescue people, that is a red light on you) but your other has to heal outside of you.He/she reveals a struggle with rejection anxiety. Rejection anxiety is a lot like foreboding joy. Your other is setting him/herself up to be rejected before the relationship even starts. You can say all the right things to him/her but this rejection anxiety is too strong to see your value. Again, you will not be the one to heal him/her of this. Cut your emotional losses and find a better match.He/she blames others/has a lack of self-awareness. This is a red light of not being emotionally mature thus not emotionally available to you. You need to be with someone who is on your level of emotional maturity, who is also in the healing process as you are. If you continue dating this person and getting to know this person, this behavior should actually wear on you. It is not attractive. And don’t be surprised when you are the one to be blamed eventually.He/she doesn’t follow up or follow through. What is his/her inaction saying to you? This stuff is so easily justified as you become contorted justifying it. Stop. We use Dr. Brene’ Brown’s definition of boundaries here often. It is BIG or “what Boundaries need to be in place for me to stay in my Integrity to make the most Generous assumptions about you.” When you keep accepting someone’s lies like this, you are hurting your integrity. Stop the generous assumptions in these circumstances because you are losing your integrity.Where is he/she in the discipleship process? Again, this is not something you will learn early in the dating relationship. But as you are getting to know your other, who is speaking into his/her life? Who are the gift of people in his/her life? There better be somebody. These somebodies better be people whom you’ve met and like.Then there is the player. You receive all of the emotional attention you want—for a time. When really he/she never made him/herself emotionally available to you. It is all part of the pursuit that players thrive off of. Or what unhealthy emotionally unavailable people use to try at relationships. Which means this person didn’t start out as a player, this person is a rock rich in unhealthy and unhealed behaviors. If he/she is too flattering and too emotionally-bonded too early, this is a clue.

One last question. Is any of this you? Is this why you are attracting bad matches? You take the time to heal. You surround yourself with the gift of people who will vulnerably see you and lead you to wholeness. Then see if you will attract better matches.

Remember that a failed date or a failed relationship does not define you. This emotionally unavailable person has nothing to do with you not being worthy of connecting to someone. This is not a rejection of you. This person–who is temporary in your life—does not define you. Unless you grant that power to this person–to this temporary and emotionally unavailable person.

Love for a lifetime is out there. Emotionally available men and women do exist, and you can find them. You just need to stop wasting your time on the ones who are definitely not available—emotionally or otherwise.

I wish more for you. There is a better match for you out there.

(Photo by Darius Krause from Pexels)

The post A List to Help You Not Date Someone Who is Emotionally Unavailable appeared first on Bravester.

I Know Teens Lie to Me

Your teen lies to you too. But it’s not in that nefarious, disrespectful way.

I meet with the teens from my church (as well as any graduated teens who still want to meet with me!) for one-on-one times as often as possible. During these times together I always ask probing questions. There is not much small talk. I’m taking advantage of these moments to find out what is really going on inside of their heads.

This is why I know they lie to me. They answer my probing questions more often with what I want to hear.

Not because they want to please me but because this is who they want to be.

I am asking them questions so they can put words onto the why of their decisions. Or what this decision may lead to in two years. Or is this what they really meant with that decision?

Because of adolescent development, and more specifically brain growth, these are all new experiences and new thoughts. This is why the laws of the land protect teens. My questions and time with my teens are designed to help them give words to thoughts they may be having deep inside their heads or thoughts they may have never had at all. I’m intentionally providing them a safe space with me to ask those questions and help them have words for what is happening inside of them as they are growing up.

I also effuse exuberant praise when I see the good decisions. I intentionally go over the top because I want the teens to know very clearly that those questions, those thoughts, those decisions are in the right direction.

I also realize that teens have one life at church with me and an entirely different life at school and maybe a different life with you, parent. This is normal adolescent development. This hasn’t changed in 40 years of youth ministry.

This is why I have believed for a long time and have put into practice the two things in my control that will help teens bring their divided lives together:  my nosy conversations (which no one says no to) and intergenerational relationships with the many beautiful people in my church.

I know teens lie to me. It is a part of faith formation.

Your beloved lies to you too. Because they do want your approval but are also filled with self-doubts. Heck, even their bodies are uncertain and are failing them in adolescence. They desire affirmation from you–as they don’t have the words to tell you what is really going on. Because they know about their fake life and don’t want it but don’t know what else to do. Because they are afraid of seeing your face fall in disappointment.

One teen shared with me:

I feel as if I need to be perfect for my Dad. I feel like I need to be “perfect” because he came to this country for me and has given me everything and I sometimes take him for granted. He has sacrificed so much for me and I let him down at times.  When I let him down, I apologize and feel so guilty. I begin to cry to myself and just think of how much I’m a “let down.“  –Cathy, age 17

Do you see Cathy in your teen?

Or this 12-year old who asked to be anonymous:

I feel like I need to be perfect for everybody in all I do and that puts soooooooooooooooooooo much pressure on me. I’m sooooo worried about what others think about me. I cried when I got a 98% on a test. I’m always working towards perfection. I’m also really depressed all the time. Even when I’m supposed to be having fun.

Age 12. Struggling to put words to the crazy talk that is deep inside of her.

Parent, I know your heart just broke. I know your insecurity to parent your teen just ratcheted up too many levels. I know you feel like you will fail your teen—or already have. Pause for a moment. Recognize the fear that is involved. Don’t let fear lead. 

Help give your teen words. Some ideas are in that article. (I love that article one of the early ones I wrote.) Have those taxi drive times. Say the magic words of “tell me more.” Try.

Like I have grown to understand, I realize that teens lie to me. I realize that it is a part of their faith formation. I intentionally put teens into situations where they may lie to me so I can help them process those deep down thoughts they are afraid to think of.

Remember always, you are a great safety net your teen has to fall into. You will always be their first safety net. Parent, you can also recognize your teen’s lies and help them grow through it so shame does not take root. This is holy tension for you—defined as the discomfort of being stuck in between but knowing that if you can make a brave vulnerable decision something holy is going to happen.

Something holy is going to happen. I promise.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

The post I Know Teens Lie to Me appeared first on Bravester.