Brenda Seefeldt Amodea's Blog, page 11

To the Exhausted Soul Trying to Stop the Chaos

To you living deep inside overwhelmed land.

You have made so many hard decisions in the past couple of years. Just about every area of your life has been rearranged. So many of these decisions have been made in the overwhelming midst of fear because you knew you had to—despite the fear.

Each decision you have had to make has given you a sense of control over your life. Because it was YOU making the decision. Because you couldn’t depend on anyone else. Because you didn’t have to depend on anyone else, which is one of the reasons why your life is gladly rearranged.

Yet here we are. Despite these many decisions, you still don’t have any control over the outcome. Life still hurts. Love still hurts. Your house still breaks. Your son still has problems. You still disappoint people, especially those in authority. You are not protected from the tirades of that person who wants to keep you small.

(Notice you are not alone here.)

Your first response when you are overwhelmed again is to find some sort of control again. You turn to yourself to think of the next hard decision you have to make. Because you have to make the decision. You think and overthink about your next plan. You think and overthink how you can counterattack the tirade. You think and overthink how you can live your life full of joy.

You have had moments of joy. You have noticed them. You have appreciated this new part of your life because it had been a long time since you felt joy. So now you want to plan your joy.

(Something about that last sentence shouldn’t look right to you.)

You can do all of this planning—all of these attempts at control—and the outcome still is not guaranteed. Something still happens that hurts like hell. That triggers every fear that you know. And the fears you have yet to put words to.

So you think and overthink and plan some more. You must do something. Because only you can do something. This is the lie you believe you are comfortable with.

Then you seek confirmation that you are able to do something. Sometimes you seek it from social media. Sometimes you seek it from those select few who you trust. You hope that hearing this confirmation (or counting the likes) will give you some guarantee that your life will stop being so overwhelming. Only we don’t have any power to guarantee you a safe outcome either. (I wish your gift of people did have that power.)

So here you are trying so hard to do the right things, stay two steps ahead of every possible outcome so you can stop being overwhelmed by life. And life still wallops you.

Because the truth is you cannot control your outcome. You are doing everything to try to control life and you still can’t prevent what overwhelms you.

There is one who can—God—and he is not. You are so angry at God but you would rather be angry at people or at yourself than be angry at God.

So you do this next. When you grow most exhausted at the failure of trying to control your outcome, instead of turning that anger to God, you turn it on to yourself. You create the scenario in your head that you are not good enough for anyone. That you will never be good enough for anyone. Of course, this is based on a lie too. It is easier for you to be angry with yourself than to be angry at God.

There was a time you trusted God to lead you to a way out but God was silent. Or aloof. Or maybe God just doesn’t care that you are suffering so much. This is where your trust in God’s goodness broke.

In response you decided you had to take control over your life because no one else would. Nor God.This is the better alternative to you than to be cussing, screaming, and mad at God. You would have to care about God to have that many emotions. And you don’t. God has so disappointed you.

You say to me, I was taught to not be angry at God. I was taught to trust and have faith.

To trust and just have faith has made you a liar to God. Or a bargainer with your promise of trust so God will deliver on the promises he is supposed to do. There is no honesty in that.

You haven’t been honest with God in a while. How could you? God has broken your heart.

So tell God that. Try those honest words. But they are going to cause you to feel. You are going to feel that disappointment. And anger…so much anger. So many scary and uncontrollable emotions.

And there it is. Uncontrollable emotions. Your world already feels out of control enough. Why can’t God be someone you can count on? Why can’t God be reliable?

I wish I could answer those questions for you.

To be angry at God would mean you would have to trust God again. And you would rather not. You think you are doing just fine. Your life is better than a couple of years ago. But your gift of people see you growing more and more exhausted and bitter. That bitterness scares us.

Your freedom, peace, joy, and healing (and probably some other good things) will come when you are honest with God. That means you put words to your anger and your long list of disappointments and let God have it.

I have done this with in my life. Thrown full-blown honest and angry conversations when I’ve stopped making my deals and stopped my supposed-to beliefs. These have been raw moments and I have always received my answers. I now walk with a limp though, metaphorically referring to Jacob story in Genesis 32. Which has become my favorite Bible story.

Psalms repeats often how “the Lord is our strength.” Such a trite saying yet it holds deep truth when studied and not used as a platitude. David learned this from all of the emotions that he shared with God. Which makes for some uncomfortable psalms. He felt those emotions and ended up with that truth again and again and again.

And trust me, I’m mad at God too on behalf of you. But I also am not in the position to give you answers that will bring you strength. This is for you to find. 

May you find the Psalms to be your dear friend. For me, it is Psalm 18. It is my gift to you. I also believe there are more personal words in those uncomfortable psalms for you to find. Start here. Feel these uncomfortable emotions by reading the Psalms. Use those words to start your honest conversation with God.

If you dare to make this one big brave decision, you will find this bigger and lower God.

Spoken from experience.

The post To the Exhausted Soul Trying to Stop the Chaos appeared first on Bravester.

I Choose to See You Not as a Monster

There is this African proverb: 

When I saw you from afar, I thought you were a monster.

When you got closer, I thought you were just an animal.

When you got even closer, I saw that you were a human,

but when we were face-to-face I realized that you were my brother.

Our scarcity-driven culture has us seeing each other from afar an awful lot. It is awful.

The Super Bowl He Gets Us commercial captured this so well.

Do you see the faces treating each other like they are monsters?

What is happening to us?

“Conflict can be healthy. Expressing outrage at injustices, being a voice for the voiceless, and boldly representing your values and identity are important parts of the human experience. Jesus did all these things. But how often do our conflicts devolve from a dignified defense to a dehumanizing hate for others? And how often do we just consume conflict that really has nothing to do with values and everything to do with our guilty pleasure of hateful content, just like a grade school fight?” https://hegetsus.com/en/love-your-enemies

Is this why we waste time watching Jerry Springer, reality TV, YouTube and TikTok? I’m spanning decades of divisive junk with those choices. Why do you like it? How much time have you wasted? What is this doing to your soul?

Is this why we are bunkering from each other from afar?

These algorithms that feed us this divisive junk are selling you emotional manipulation of dehumanization.

“Pitting us in ideological battles, amplifying hateful moments and stories in all of humanity all of the time–it is a great way to build an audience and sell ads. It’s also an effective way to make people feel angry, isolated, anxious, and distrustful of others. And, just like a slot machine, our social apps reward the pleasure centers in our brains with likes, shares, and comments when we participate–commenting on that divisive video or sharing that snarky meme. It’s systemic. It’s diabolical. And it works.” https://hegetsus.com/en/love-your-enemies

Algorithms are emotionally manipulating us to see each other as monsters. Don’t you feel used and dirty?

And your soul is damaged. No wonder loneliness is more prevalent than ever. No wonder we witness more acts of anger—and dehumanization—than ever before.

Can you bear to hear about another mass shooting? There is a mass shooting seemingly daily now. (Don’t let this become background noise.) Or another young person killed by the police? And then find out that photos of that beatdown are posted on social media like the lynchings of yesteryears were turned into postcards?

My soul cannot.

I need to cling to the way of Jesus more than ever.Jesus was able to express outrage at injustices and was a voice for the voiceless because he practiced what he taught. His most famous saying may be, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:39)

Yes, that neighbor too. That co-worker. That influencer. Somehow can we bravely, thus vulnerably, love that person as much as I love myself?

Jesus sets the standard and fills in the gaps with his life. This is my beginning and end point and it is filled with grace. My brave life aspires from here.

Is your soul seeking for hope while you also feel the fear because the world is so scary right now? Do you feel the holy tension of this? Especially because you really do want to bunker away safely. You want to close your heart while you also want to live bravely compassionate.

May I call you to the brave decision? You know what that decision is. May the holy tension you are choosing to feel make this brave decision all the more obvious.

A safe faith does not inspire. A safe faith does not lead to awe-inspiring moments. A safe faith does not remind you of Jesus.

Something I have learned from making these brave decisions. I am no longer overcome by irrational fear that God really doesn’t have a good plan for me. Or that God is cruel. I have learned from years of God’s faithfulness that I do not need to fear feeling vulnerable but that I can brave up and walk into it because God always carries me through. When I live such a daring faith, I grow to have no doubt about this.

So I choose to see you as not a monster–even if I disagree with you. You may consider me your enemy. I may be wounded by you. But I choose to see you and not dehumanize you.

Read also: Written Prayer for Those Overwhelmed by Too Much Information

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The NotOK App

Notice how all those numbers are 1 out of every 2 teens and young adults. Thankfully that same number is also seeking help.

For girls, some newer numbers from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (February 2023) says this is worse. Nearly 1 in 3 teen girls report that they have seriously considered suicide, up almost 60% from 2011. The report also said about 20% of teen girls reported experiencing rape or other sexual violence in the previous year, an increase of 27% over two years. Almost 3 in 5 girls said they felt persistent sadness or hopelessness that interfered with their regular activities, and more girls than boys reported being bullied online or via text messaging. https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2023/02/13/high-school-girls-record-violence-suicide-risk-cdc/11247425002/

Lord, hear our prayers.

This app was designed by two teens! One was just 13-years old. Just another reason why teens are so amazing.

Watch this interview with the creator, Charlie Lucas, to learn more about the app. Or to just be amazed by this teen.

Basically this app has a large red button that can be pushed when your teen feels like he/she is not ok. This could be from a test anxiety or feeling danger at a party or physical accident. The notification comes with a GPS location. When this button is pushed a message goes out to these 5 contacts who can then text, call, or go to the teen. Or you can push the button for yourself. This app is not just for teens.

After pushing the button, the user also receives a breathing prompt to help calm you down while you are waiting for the contacts to respond. Just a little thing that is thoughtful.

We repeat here often the importance of giving your teen other adults in his/her life. Because the research says so. Because you also had those special adults when you were a teen. Because you want your teen to take his/her faith into adulthood.

There is no reason for you to be the only voice in your teen’s head.

You are a brilliant parent. But you won’t hold every bit of wisdom for your teen. Nor are you the first whom they want to ask for help from.

You are a brilliant parent. But your teen won’t hear you every time. Especially with the new brain science that finds the developing teen brains tune out the mother’s voice.

A simple and wise parenting move is for you to set your teen up with the best adult voices in his/her life. And then help your teen place them in this app.

Read also: 

Creating the 5:1 Ratio Your Teen Needs

Intentionally Give Your Teen Others

Seeking Adults Who will Answer Questions

Who Do You Ask to Be in Your 5:1 Ratio Group For Your Teen

Bonus note:  This same report from Springtide Research found that 58% of BIPOC young people and 52% of white young people say that faith matters for their mental health. Faith matters still. While you are worrying about your teen, keep passing on your faith. And remember #thebravepray.

O Lord, hear me as I pray; pay attention to my groaning. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, or I pray to no one but you.

Psalm 5:1-2

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The Crutch of Pop Psychiatry

“It is hard not to feel as if you are inadequate or have failed. (A diagnosis can) take some of the pressure off.”

”It’s okay to be imperfect if you have the explanation of a diagnosis for your limitations.”

This is what this Religion of Enoughness has given us. We want to be self-diagnosed to have a psychiatric disorder to give us the grace we need.

The Religion of Enoughness is this Savior-less religion that puts you as the justifier of your entire existence. You become the inner accountant who takes extensive notes on your failures to measure if you are enough.

It is a religion because our very DNA wants us to have a religion. Our brains need a religion to help us order our world. Since so many are rejecting dependency on a Savior, our brains came up with this new religion. And social media is so very willing to be the “Bible” for us. Social media has become the standard we try to measure our enoughness with.

Of course, the standard is always changing.

The Religion of Enoughness has us all needing crutches.

You’ve heard this mantra aplenty in our culture of the Religion of Enoughness, “You, and only you, are ultimately responsible for how happy you are.” This becomes the justifier of your decisions, the good and the destructive ones.

If my happiness is up to me, how do I know that I am happy? How do I know when I have “made it?” Who will tell me? Who is setting the standard?

Those of us who depend on a Savior who isn’t us set the standard as Jesus who pours grace on us like it is the never-ending gift that it is.

Social media is now giving us the “gift” of self-diagnosing a psychiatric problem to help explain why you can’t reach your enoughness.

Hashtag ADHD or bipolar or depression or anxiety and you can diagnose yourself from people claiming to be experts. #Tourettessyndrome might explain why there is an increase in young people seeking medical help for tics, though these were tics they didn’t have before they saw the videos. This is called the social contagion effect. Has life gotten so competitive that people are actually seeking to be diagnosed with Tourettes Syndrome?

I am so grateful that our mental health care is a frontrunner topic now. In the early 1980s I chose a psychology major over theology in my pastoral training because I knew I was dealing with people with human problems. I also knew I could pick up good theology teaching in so many other places, which I have. I am so happy that we are all talking about mental health now, especially in our churches.

But there is a difference between pop psychiatry and pop psychology. Pop psychology is applying theories of counseling to your friends over coffee. Pop psychiatry is someone often untrained diagnosing serious psychiatric disorders.

How many narcissists have you met or are hearing about from your friends? More than who are actual narcissists. Narcissism is a personality disorder with very little medical help. If you love someone who has been diagnosed as a narcissist you are on a long road of continual heartbreak. The rest of these “narcissists” are ill-behaved and selfish individuals who are taking up the air of healing from those who really suffer.

This Religion of Enoughness has given us pop psychiatry so we can have a good excuse as to why we are not enough.

A diagnosis relieves you of the pressure to be perfect from the striving of perfectionism.

A diagnosis allows you to live with limitations.

A diagnosis takes the overachieving pressure off.

A diagnosis gives you a community to belong to. Because the community of Enoughness is competitive.

A diagnosis gives you belongingness. There are online communities just waiting to welcome you. A self-diagnosis serves as a “ticket” for entry.

A diagnosis can explain why you have certain undesirable qualities like shyness. Because in the Religion of Enoughness shyness is not acceptable.

A diagnosis can help you feel special or stand out, especially if you are still achieving with your diagnosis. Now you have another way to show the world how enough you are. You are so enough you can overcome your diagnosis.

A diagnosis shows vulnerability because it’s not cool to be perfect anymore—as you continue to strive to be perfect using your diagnosis as that means.

A diagnosis is an “offset” to relieve the guilt from growing up in a privileged background. A diagnosis allows even the privileged to voice their thoughts and feel included.

All of these thought are taken from this article from PsychologyToday.com written by Joseph E. Davis Ph.D. Read it.

“Diagnostic categories and brain talk are all too often being used in ways that have very little to do with mental illness.” –Joseph E. Davis Ph.D.

Getting a diagnosis becomes even easier with “internet doctors” you can find on TikTok who will diagnose you and give you prescriptions with a 10-minute phone call.

Social media has been helpful (it really has) to give people information so they can have “symptom language” to get help from a doctor. I had a teen who I guessed was bipolar. But I am a pastoral counselor, not a psychiatrist. Through social media she was able to add up her symptoms. With my encouragement she knew how to ask a doctor for help. She was pretty scared in this process but she also knew deep in her soul that this part of her could be true.

I don’t need her to be a part of a bipolar community of acceptance. I need her to take her medicine so she can be the beautiful creative that she is. She doesn’t need her diagnosis as a crutch to explain her limitations.

And people say Christianity is just an emotional crutch for those who can’t handle life.

The Religion of Enoughness has us all needing crutches. Whether it is the numbing behavior of drinking too much wine or crazy-busyness or a psychiatric diagnosis.

How about choosing a Savior who isn’t you?

Jesus sets the standard and fills in the gaps with his life. This is my beginning and end point and it is filled with grace. From here I can mature into who I already am.

I choose a Savior who isn’t me. I choose this countercultural way. It is full of imperfect progress and that is beautifully enough.

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Things You Can Do While You are Waiting on God for Your Spouse

Nearly everything. You can definitely live a brave life now–and love your single life.

Here are some random starters to get your brain brainstorming:

Plan, budget, and take a road trip.Plan, budget, and take a solo weekend trip.Find an article about the 10 best pizzas in your area. Make plans with different friends to try each of those pizzas. Find an article about the 10 best Thai restaurants. Do the same. Eat a lot of good food. Lead a small group. You want to study more of the Psalms and have conversations about what you are learning? You put together a small group and do that.Lead a social justice action group. Are you worried that white America is growing apathetic again years after George Floyd? Put together your own group to have these uncomfortable race conversations. Remember that social justice is a marathon of change, not a sprint. Your part is part of this marathon.Volunteer somewhere that makes your heart break. The world needs the heartbreak you risk. Budget and buy the Pampered Chef cookware. Don’t wait to receive this at your wedding shower. Cook with the good stuff now.Turning 30? Plan your own Turning 30 shower. Create a gift list of updating all that college stuff and passed-on stuff so you can kick off your 30s with your own adult stuff that you choose. You plan a fabulous party for all of your friends to celebrate you this way. Photograph and scrapbook this party.Do something spontaneous at least once a month. That is 12 times a year minimum.Create or modify and perfect a recipe that is true to you. Even name it after yourself. Whenever you prepare this recipe for the rest of your life you will be celebrating that you created this while you were single and living this full life which will make this food famous.Seek out a mentor, preferably someone two generations older than you. Use your time to spend time with this wise saint. This is totally selfish because of how you will grow.Who do you need to forgive? Forgiveness is a journey that begins in pain and ends in hope. Do the hard brave work now.Do something that requires risk. Realize you are capable of so much more than you think.

Read also:  4 Tips to Make Room for “Yes.”

Something has gone terribly wrong when young Christians believe that their main purpose in life is to get married–to have marriage as the sole grown-up purpose. So much opportunity is lost. So much living. So much impact. And what scares me the most is you may find yourself with nowhere to go when you finally arrive at that (false) magic moment of marriage.

You get to live your life to the full now. You get to live your life. To wait for that love for a lifetime will be a brave ride. Oh the stories you will have to tell about that brave ride! Your stories will amaze people, maybe even that special one you could meet along the way.

All along the way God is molding you which is making you attractive to the spouse you’ve not met yet.

Oh the opportunities for you. Oh the stories you will tell. Oh the impact of your life. Oh the many good and interesting people you will meet. One may be your future spouse.

Sitting around and doing nothing but waiting on God to start your life is actually based in fear. You may claim that you are being responsible and trusting God but that would not be true (fear lies). The definer of your life becomes fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, fear of being called unlovable, or even fear of trusting God because there is no trust in God when you are trying to control the outcome this much. None of this is very attractive—as in will not attract the kind of match you are trusting God for.

Failure does not define you. Failure means you tried because you believed you are worthy of something good happening to you. Even if that failure is an epic Lifetime-movie-story failure of a past relationship. Even if. You are worthy of something good happening to you.

Instead you have the choice to let your bravery define you. You choose to grow from one brave decision to the next brave decision to the next brave decision and create this wonderful story which you will tell for the rest of your life.

What a brave ride. (I want to hang out with you too.)

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Gossipy Church Ladies

My life is a story of getting my heart smashed and the many times I have chosen to get up. I have gotten up because of the people in my life. I have put a lot of intentionality into the people I have chosen to be a part of my life.

As a pastor I say often, people are a part of spiritual formation. Ugh, people. Because people bless and people disappoint. People are going to disappoint us. You are going to disappoint people. But people are still a part of spiritual practice. I wrote my book about this.

I choose to live my brave life in the church despite of the gossipy church ladies. Why are churches made up of gossipy church ladies? Why do they flock and thrive in churches? I won’t answer that sad question but I know it is true. You know it is true too. You’ve been hurt by them too.

I served as a single youth pastor for 15 years. I also chose to date publicly so I could teach my teens about brave dating practices. (Note:  This was back in the 1980s and 1990s. No harmful purity teaching came from me.)

So imagine the gossipy church ladies with me! I overheard some of it. I imagined a lot of it. I didn’t shrink myself because of them. I also made wise decisions because of them. While those ladies were sinning in their gossip, it also provided me an accountability in my decisions. The gossipy church ladies have shaped me in good and bad ways.

Gossipy church ladies can do some lasting damage.

This may not be your story but does this hit how you have felt?

 “I heard he’s on drugs,” Mrs. Cline said. She was a deacon at the First Assemblies. Fifty-five years old, unmarried, straight as a broom with lips so thin they looked like a slit across her face.

“No,” Mrs. Morton gasped.

“Oh yes, honey. Why do you think he doesn’t come around here anymore? He’s not busy playing this season, so we know he’s not too busy.”

“That’s sad. That’s sad he’s on drugs.”

“It is sad, but—and I really do hate to say this—there kind does seem to have a taste for drugs. I mean, they are always on drugs. That’s why there’s so much crime.”

 “You’re right. I have noticed that.”

I had been studying my Bible verses in the Sunday school room when I overheard that conversation in the hallway. If I’d heard it today, I know what I would have done. I would have marched right outside and told them that there is no data to support the idea that black people are biologically more given to drugs or crime than any other race. I would have marched out of that church and never looked back.

But I was ten years old and I was ashamed. I sat stock still in my chair and hoped that they couldn’t hear me on the other side of the door. I gripped the open flaps of my Bible so tightly that I left marks pressed into pages. When they left, I let out the breath I was holding, and pinched the skin between my thumb and index finger, a trick I’d picked up to help keep me from crying. In that moment, and for the first time in my life really, I hated Nana (brother on drugs) so completely. I hated him, and I hated myself. –Yaa Gyasi, Transcendent Kingdom

You have felt shame like that, right? These words cause you to remember that moment when you froze, wished you could disappear, and you decided to hate yourself instead of hating the situation or hating the awful gossiping church ladies.

This excerpt comes from the fiction book, Transcendent Kingdom. On the back cover you can read that the story is about suffering and God and science. The protagonist is wrestling with all three as she does neurological experiments on mice and deals with her mother’s depression. These two life events find her desiring her childhood faith. You can see why I devoured this book.

It is easier to hate ourselves than it is to hate the sin of those awful gossiping church ladies. This is the web of shame.

Shame wants me to stay small.

Shame lies.

Shame changes the truth of the story.

Shame survives by convincing me I’m alone.

Shame tells me that I am unloveable.

Shame survives by convincing me that I am alone.

Shame is never being enough so I thought I had the entitlement to do wrong.

The sin of the gossipy church ladies changes to become my excuse to sin.

I’ve written a note to you, the gossipy church ladies, and to those of you who have been hurt by the gossipy church ladies.

Dear gossipy church ladies, please stop it.

This is a sin. Your desire to be “in the know” and to power over your own unhappiness is harming precious souls who are trying to figure Jesus out.

You already know that at the bottom of your unhappiness is your own struggle with sin and shame. You are doing your best to make your own imperfect progress. So to be with your gossipy church ladies is a reprieve from your own struggle and a moment of joy away from your shame. I see you, too.

The signature mark of God is redeeming the shame. Your shame too. This is the story Jesus lived out. This is the victory won for us on the cross that dark Good Friday which became this beautiful day. Beauty is uncomfortable but can comfort others.

May you embrace the beauty of all of our imperfect progresses. May you embrace the beauty of your imperfect progress. So you can stop the ugly of your gossip.

My prayer is you can’t unsee this.

From one brave soul of imperfect progress to you, Brenda!

Dear you who has been wounded by gossipy church ladies, please trust the church again.

There are more not gossipy church ladies than gossipy church ladies. They are just not as loud. They are, like you, bravely making their imperfect progress and have a lot of wisdom to give you if you bravely ask. This is the kind of wisdom learned and the kind of wisdom learned from failure. They are worth trusting as you make your brave decision to brave decision to brave decision.

It is these people who have defined my life. It is these people who allow me to live this brave life. These are the people who are a part of my spiritual formation. Try to trust these people who attend church with these gossipy church ladies.

My prayer is you can’t unsee this. Because we want to see you.

From one brave soul of imperfect progress to you, Brenda!

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto.

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Do I Fit In This Relationship or Do I Belong In This Relationship?

I love asking this question to a group:  What’s the difference between fitting in and belonging? This always leads to a good conversation.

Because there is a big difference, right?

When you are dating someone you want things to work out. You want to be in love. Fitting in feels like enough.

When you are trying to fit in, or trying to make this match work, you tend to hide pieces of who you are. You contort yourself. You become smaller. It too often comes down to survival. You simply want to be in love and fitting in feels like enough. Because… and because… and because…you know your reasons.

Fitting in is not enough. You really want to belong.

Is this relationship asking you to reduce yourself down to a simmer and pour it into a Jello mold? I heard that somewhere and can’t forget that visual. Are you melted Jello trying to stay in this relationship?

The people who love you are noticing these “red flags.” Are you listening to them? I believe your soul is also noticing these red flags. Are you listening to your soul? You know this but you don’t want to know this. You want to be in love.

Many people believe they have fallen in love, only to realize their “love” is based on need—a need to be accepted. Or a need to be valued or a need to be affirmed or a need to be taken care of or to be nurtured or to be kept safe. None of this is the fulfillment of belonging.

There is this “power” in hooking someone too. It feels good. You feel good about yourself. But this isn’t belonging either.

So often in the desire to fit, sex becomes a part of the relationship. But sex doesn’t guarantee belonging. Good sex is faithful, fruitful, and points us to God, where belonging starts. Bad sex tells the lie that our bodies don’t have spiritual significance.

We think fitting in will help with the loneliness. This may be one of your “because excuses.” Without belonging you end up being lonelier than you were in the first place.

Sometimes it’s easier to fit in with what is comfortable rather than what is healthy.

Fitting in is not enough. You really want to belong.

Belonging sees your significance. Belonging does not shrink you. Belonging grows you.  

Belongingness is honest. Honest is a big word.

Belongingness is a settledness that begins on the inside and grows as you lean further into the fullness of God and the fullness of the relationship.

Belongingness has some vanity in it.

Belongingness is beautiful because you know your authentic and imperfect self is loved and valued.

You can grow a love for a lifetime from belongingness. This means you must end the “fitting in” relationship you are hanging onto because love is not enough for a relationship to be a good match. There is little chance that this melted-Jello you will be able to grow this relationship into one of belonging.

Try again with the next one. Have a little vanity. Date as your authentic and imperfect self. This person is dating you “as is.” There is a lot to learn in this article. Getting to know this intriguing person is the fun part of dating. The assumption is you are getting to know the whole person—not just the good parts. Over time you also learn about the broken parts, the healed parts, and the parts which are in the process of healing. Just like the wonder of you.

The wonder of you is worth a life of belonging to people.

Read also: We Can’t Be in a Relationship with Everybody We Love.

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When You Don’t Know What to Say

A platitude is said because someone didn’t know what else to say and you do want to comfort your friend. You heard your friend’s vulnerable mess and you felt it. It triggers those doubts you are wrestling with. You wish you could say something wise so you can give this person comfort that everything is going to be okay. Also you need to know that everything is going to be okay. This is an awkward moment. Your friend just vulnerably trusted you with his/her bloody soul and unspoken questions and you don’t have an answer. So you say a platitude that wraps that pain up into a small box. The platitude felt like a good thing to say.

It was not. That platitude removed you from that pain and left your friend even further alone with those unanswered questions.  I wrote a book about this.

A drive-by prayer is similar. Again there is that awkward moment of genuinely wanting to help but not knowing what to say. A prayer is a good idea because God will know what to do, especially because you don’t know what to say. A prayer from you is telling your friend that I will trust God with this outcome on your behalf. This prayer has a conclusion.

Except you get to go back to your normal life, even with your questions. Maybe your friend just wanted to be heard. Just wanted to be able to say these doubting questions about God out loud. Your friend needed you to say “me, too” and then sit in the awkward together. Maybe praying together in that awkward about the questions. This is a prayer that doesn’t have a conclusion.

What is the difference between being in a community of “nice” people versus a community of “real” people?  At this time in your life, which one do you prefer?  Why?

Being nice is a whole lot less vulnerable. Being real is full of awkward and not knowing what to say or do but trying anyway.

Embrace the awkward. Trust the Holy Spirit to use that awkward to reveal truth to you and to your friend. Shut up, listen, and trust the Holy Spirit for the outcome. Even when you say something so simple and truthful such as, “I don’t know.” In that truth the Holy Spirit is already at work.

We have the story of Job and then we get to meet his friends.

Job 2:11-13 – When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.

What Job’s friends did turned into a beautiful Jewish tradition called shiva, which literally means “sitting sevens.” Friends just come and sit with one who mourns for seven days. These friends just sit with them. The awkwardness becomes less awkward, the Holy Spirit is set loose to comfort. The friends’ silence was brilliant.  Their silence was a gift. 

These friends don’t fidget and try to find an explanation about why this horrible thing happened and happened for a reason. Or remind them that everything is going to be okay because Romans 8:28 so they can stop crying now. The awkwardness is allowed, the Holy Spirit is set loose to comfort.

Alas, the seven days of silence together came to an end and then Job’s friends began to speak—a lot. Suddenly they became experts and had answers. Thus we get 33 chapters of theories of where God is in this pain. Job became someone the friends had to fix. Read Job’s responses. Not once did he say, “Oh yeah, now I feel better. Thank you for your wisdom. Thank you for fixing me.”

When we try to say something because we are overwhelmed in the awkward, we come across as trying to fix the problem. And as for me when I’ve been this broken, I want you to fix the problem! I want this problem over with. I want an answer. I want this pain to end.

Your words of wisdom, coming from the love you have for me, cannot fix the problem. This pain is my beginning.

This pain is my beginning or this pain is a door to distrusting God.

I want to be fixed. I want to find the path through. But maybe this is what I need:

 “I remember sitting across from her with a big piece of cake between us, wringing my hands in my lap, as I reasoned out loud, ‘I can fix this. I can definitely fix this. I can make him want me back. Or I can do this thing on my own and make a system of sorts. A system to make me better and stronger and wiser because of this.’ ‘Or you could just be sad and not make a system, she said quietly. ‘You could maybe just eat a little cake and cry, if you need to.'” –Hannah Brencher email, July 18, 2022

Give me a bag of chips please (my much preferred choice) and let me cry. A “me, too” response tells me that pain is my beginning and I am here with you. Maybe because you have learned something about this Larger Story God because you have known pain too. That is enough.

This sort of “me, too” action is enough. A prayer without a conclusion is enough. And it is not awkward at all.

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Dating App Trends – Preparing You for 2023

Situationships

Tinder has declared “situationships” as the top dating app trend of 2022. We’ve been talking about this for years. Read About That Guy That Looks at You Like You Are the Sunshine in His World but You Don’t Know If He’s Your Boyfriend. Maybe because I’m trendy smart? No. Mostly because I’m so tired of hearing about these situations involving real hearts who want love, who are trying to figure things out, who contort themselves in the hopes to find love, and who end up with broken hearts.

According to Tinder a situationship is “when you’re not quite dating someone, but you’re not just sleeping with them either.” So yes, in some contorted way this is people saying they are looking to grow into a relationship. Tinder’s in-app survey among users 18-24-years-old in the U.K., U.S., and Australia done November 2022 shows that “1 in 10 respondents prefer ‘situationships’ as a way to develop a relationship with less pressure.” Tinder also noticed a 49% jump in members adding the term to their profile status from January to October this year. https://mashable.com/article/tinder-situatonships-year-in-swipe

We do believe in dating apps as one of the ways to date for the simple reason of meeting more people. Meeting more people is simply one of the things you have to do.

But yes, dating apps are mostly used to feed the “hook up culture.” Are you able to figure out all of those acronyms now found on dating profiles? Acronyms that are not about dating but rather hooking up?

Another report found that a majority of young people are not using dating apps to find serious relationships. Over the last three years, the percentage of young people who agree that they’re “just looking for a good time and [are] not interested in settling down,” has increased more than 10 points, to now nearly 40%. (YPulse’s Dating & Relationships Report 2022) So realistically you can pass over at least 40% of all dating profiles you look at.

But now you can look into those profile statuses for “situationship” and maybe read it as an intention of a relationship seeker. I much prefer someone come right out and say they are a seeking a healthy dating relationship, but in the weird dating app world this may be a marker. Or not.

Dating Reboot

Of course, covid changed nearly everything about dating and how you meet new people. Let’s just consider this a good reboot because dating needs a good reboot. All of that covid time alone allowed many people to consider and reconsider some of their values. Some have decided to stop the crazy-making decisions they were justifying and choose wiser.

Post covid we have all grown more concerned about the increasing mental health crises we are noticing. Notice this also. We’ve never had more sexual freedom than we do now—and we have more mental health problems than ever. Is this a coincidence? I think not.

Slow Dating

In those app profiles look also for “slow dating.” Slow dating is not a new idea but it is new on the dating apps.

Before covid one of the problems of dating apps was that you would text with someone for weeks or months before there was ever a date. You were left “hanging” about what the intentions of the other was because the app world is set up that way. Then covid came and it wasn’t safe to meet new people.

Now “slow dating” is a thing and is being defined as a thing. That is the difference–it is defined so you do know the intention of the other.

Basically slow dating is you match with someone, you chat, you go on maybe a Zoom date, you exchange Spotify playlists, and maybe two months later you go on an actual date. It is simply a more intentional way of getting to know someone in a variety of mediums before meeting in-person.

Beige Flags are the New Red Flags

First, eyes wide open on those red flags! Do not ignore them. Do not justify them. Do not contort yourself. Listen to your soul. Listen to your team. Listen to your friends. If there is an acronym in someone’s profile it is probably a red flag.

Beige flags also need to be paid attention to. Beige flags are signs on a dating app that clearly show someone hasn’t put much thought or effort into their profile, thus they probably won’t put much thought or effort into a relationship. Because you are a reader of Brave Dating, you have probably already figured this out. Now it has a trending name. Google or YouTube beige flags and you will get a fun education.

Nostalgia-Stanning

A good profile has some “nostalgia-stanning.” These are deep dive pop culture references that are a part of you, especially the nostalgic you. Maybe even the part of you before dating broke your heart so much.

So you put this obscure pop culture reference into your profile and if someone comments about it, you feel understood. That maybe this stranger who just messaged you is different from all of the other idiots who have been messaging you. https://www.stylist.co.uk/relationships/dating-love/nostalgia-stanning-millennial-dating-trend/709415

I fear I didn’t help you with these trends. Because how do you figure all of this out and the intentions of the other who has your eye and not feel jitters and vulnerable? Is this crazy stuff worth it?

Yes. We believe in dating here at Bravester. Download our free resource. We also know all too well of the vulnerability of dating. There is a 100% chance you are going to have a broken heart and there is a 100% chance you will one day meet your love of a lifetime. Read everything we have. Put a team together. And use your discerner, part-brain, part-instinct, and part-Holy-Spirit. Try to date again. You are also wiser and have your values better figured out since covid.

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Papa God is Gathering the Materials

Waiting is a part of our faith. The essence of the word faith implies waiting. Do you see it?

Do you like it? No. Me neither.

I hurt, now. I’m confused, now. I’m uncertain, now.

Waiting feels like an inconvenience. We can’t even stop at a stoplight without taking out our phones so we are doing something.

Waiting leaves us with a silence we don’t know what to do with. So we take out our phones again.

Waiting is vulnerable. We are not in control. Someone or something else is dictating our time. Faith is vulnerable too.

Waiting is trusting that God has our larger story. This involves trust and you may have trust issues with God.

We’ve worked hard to eliminate as much waiting from our lives as possible. We stream music instantly, watch movies on demand, and use apps to order food before we even get to the restaurant. So a God who makes you wait adds an unappealing aspect to a religion that already has an antiquated reputation. And then there are the trust issues.

Here’s a brave thought for you:  Waiting can also give you rest.

Yes, waiting causes a range of uncomfortable emotions and sometimes some positive emotions, but waiting can also give you rest.

Waiting is a part of our faith. It is part of the movement of God. The movement of God is often in seasons.

We have this horrible season called winter, says the one who grew up in Minnesota. Winter is where everything dies and we wait and wait and wait for spring.

Winter is uncomfortable. We have to bundle up and the cold still seeps into our bones.

Winter moves so slow. We move slower. Though that may be a good thing compared to the hustle of the summer season.

Amazingly in the dark cold of winter, important growth is still happening.

The dirt is frozen but it is never still. During winter is when microorganisms are breeding, moving, and eating. Wind and sun and fungi and insects are doing things that leavens the soil, making it richer and better, readying it for planting. The metaphors about waiting are rich.

Winter turns up the rocks. Over the winter, water under the soil freezes, and when it does, it also expands, pushing unseen rocks upward. The freeze/thaw cycle will eventually produce enough force to heave buried stones forth. The earth pushes a solid lump against the forces of gravity toward the light to get rid of it. More rich metaphors for you.

(Thanks to Jennifer Lee Dukes and her book, Growing Slow: Lessons on Un-Hurrying Your Heart from an Accidental Farm Girl, for this rich wisdom.)

What is this season of waiting doing inside of you? Are you getting ready for new growth? Are the rocks in your life getting expelled?

There is also this surprising beauty of winter. There are days when we are snowed in and we make the most wonderful memories. As hard as waiting seasons are, beautiful memories are still being made.

What would the practice of waiting well look like?

I know for me that as I’ve aged, grown wiser, walked this life in tree time, and have made a lifetime of brave decisions that I have learned to wait well. My story is here honestly in these Bravester pages. I have not always waited well. This is me, Psalm 69:3, I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched. My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me.

My faith is gutty and raw and brave. I hung in there through all of the waiting for God to redeem the mess. I don’t know how to “easy button” my pain to God and continue living like the mess didn’t happen. My faith wrestles, hangs in beyond my feelings, and I walk away with a limp as I know God is for me.

A safe faith says “I know you are omnipotent so I will feel helpless while I wait on you.” A brave faith says “here is my cry and here is my anger and here is how I feel. Thank you for blessing the godly.”

I asked this question at my church (we have lots of conversations during church) and received this answer that took away my breath. Waiting well looks like Papa God gathering materials. Materials needed for that larger story.

Waiting is not passive. Nor is it God’s abandonment. There is always something growing and moving in that cold frozen dirt of waiting. This Larger Story God is busy in your waiting putting together the larger story. You, in the waiting, are growing, healing, changing, and heaving those rocks out of your life. You are trusting more.

Waiting feels like forever while there is still so much growth going on.

Papa God is gathering the materials for your story. Something beautiful is happening.

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