Brenda Seefeldt Amodea's Blog, page 6

The Bummer Realities of a Brenda‑Centered Youth Ministry

There was a time in my life when I thought pretty highly of my Brenda based youth ministry. I felt alive. I felt like I was making a dent in this world. I felt true joy when some teens “got it.” But I also felt tired, overwhelmed, stressed, etc.

Something had to change.

Something did change. But first have you ever felt or thought (maybe even voiced) these thoughts?

 I pour myself (often sacrificing my personal time) into that one special youth. That one youth who I know will be the lead youth, that strong youth. That one youth who will actually make a difference among his friends. I pour myself into that one youth only to have this last for two years because once he gets his driver’s license and a job to support the car he no longer has the time for youth group responsibilities. And I’m left missing our relationship.

 Even though I have millions of things going on, I am expected to remember a teen’s birthday or if a teen had a band concert even though I wasn’t asked to attend. It should be easy for me to keep track of 40 teen birthdays and the schedules of 9 different schools.

 I try so hard to be hip and relevant so I can try to understand teens’ lives. Yet if I mention that I still prefer listening to DeGarmo & Key, I’m the loser. And no, I don’t want to spend my few bucks to see “Final Destiny 3” so I can be relevant.

 I am supposed to be friends with only people ages 11 to 18. Anybody older would betray these friendships or so I find out from reading a MySpace entry. Besides I already don’t have enough after school pizza times to meet with the youth who do want to talk to me.

 Very few people are concerned that I don’t have good relationships with people my own age.

 I’m always trying to schedule more one on one times with individual youth because I see that their faith walk needs that individual attention. But I can never seem to find the time to get to all of these individuals. That frustrates me to no end because I know I can do more.

 If I could schedule every moment I have out of the office, I can maybe get to all those pizza times but I have to be in the office for a certain amount of hours. I have to update the webpage, schedule the worship practice, edit the video, and arrange travel arrangements (total ugh!) for the next road trip. Or I have to work my regular job and still do all these other items.

 I know that if I could just get a hold of this one youth, I can talk him out of making some big mistakes. But he’s not returning my phone calls or e mails. I need to spend even more time im prayer.

 If I want to do something because I want to be with my family or I just want to rest or do something with people my own age, I am selfish with my time.

 I am supposed to look over every silly teenage thing a teen does even if the behavior is not socially acceptable. Or it makes the church look bad. If I correct you, I’m not cool. And I have to listen to the incessant whining of why I corrected you.

 I listen to teens and hear what they are going through. I hear all sorts of warning signs which I know from my experience are not good and will probably lead to bigger problems. But I am not allowed to share those concerns with any parent because I’m their friend.

 Nor will they listen to me when I tell them from my aged experience what these behaviors may lead to. I’m their friend, but I still don’t know what it is like to be them.

 Since I am their friend, I am not supposed to be surprised when she cancels on youth group to spend time with another friend.

 There is always that one teen who demands all of my time. Even though there are 30 other teens, I am expected to spend countless hours with just her. And I already do spend a lot of hours with her. She has been with me when I buy groceries so often that she can pick out what food I like. But that is still not enough.

 My life is an open book to my teens. They have met my parents, heard all of my adolescent stories which I have honed to become great lessons, and some have spent time in my home. But if I ask a teen why his grades are slipping, I am trying to know too much.

 If I have a bad day, I never hear the end of it. But if a teen has a bad day, I’m not supposed to notice.

 A teen can talk bad about me, write things about me on MySpace, glare at me, gossip about me, and tell her friends that I am intrusive, but my feelings aren’t supposed to get hurt.

 When IMing a teen, it’s okay if she IMs ten other people while she’s talking to me but if I don’t respond back quick enough to her smiley face, I don’t care about her.

 When a teen has a crush on someone and suddenly his behavior is goofy and hurting the group dynamics, I am not supposed to notice.

 I remind teens of the concert by e mail, announcement, postcard, and phone call but many teens will still forget.

 In scheduling that special retreat, I bend over backwards to make the schedule work for the most teens. But as soon as she has something better to do, she is not coming anyway.

 In scheduling that special retreat, I bend over backwards to make the retreat special. But if so and so isn’t going, she isn’t going to go either. No matter what I have planned, hyped and encouraged.

 I spend hours and hours making every part of the youth retreat special. I designed special retreat books. I put together what should be some powerful skits. I came up with one non music form of worship as well as put together a music worship team which will travel. And I gathered all of the props for every game. Yet I still will have ten youth who have paid but did not show because something more important came up.

 When a teen graduates, even though I had spent tons of time with him, he doesn’t say thanks, doesn’t call or doesn’t even send an e mail letting me know how college is going.

 Then a year later I hear that this teen has now joined a fraternity and is doing things I taught him not to do. But my schedule is too busy scheduling in those pizza times to even write him a letter.

There is no standard youth ministry model which works across the board. Church situations vary. Leadership personalities vary. What I do at my church will probably not work as a whole at your church. But I do know that ABrenda based youth ministry@ is not the way youth ministry should be done. For me or for you.

When my church asked me to step in as overseer of the youth ministry, I didn’t want to do it because of these very complaints. I was already emotionally spread thin with my work with God’s Family. Nor did I desire to be a part of what I hear youth workers complain about again. According to Wild Frontier thinking, there had to be a better way. So the pastors and I prayed about what to do and we stumbled onto how we do family based youth ministry. I have learned much from that stumbling point on.

Bringing parents into the youth ministry doubled our group size. But that is not why we do it.

When I scheduled the youth group to prepare a meal for the homeless shelter, I didn’t get the expected hesitation of too many minors in the industrial kitchen without the appropriate number of adults. I got a chipper relief in her voice when I told her we do youth group with our parents required to be involved. But that is not why we do it.

We do it because we realize that teens take their spiritual cues from their parents. Even if they don’t have spiritual parents but spiritual longings, these teens attach themselves to other parents who do. Sometimes even fondly calling them “mom” or “dad.” So in all reality, a teen=s faith will only grow as far as the parents’ faith. So why not challenge the parents alongside the teens?

I can tell you why not. This model does present a whole new set of problems one could complain about. A parent could have soccer as a higher priority than youth group. A parent could have a very immature faith that has been stuck for fifteen years. A parent could still expect me to do the spiritual training of their child despite me telling her for three years that it is her responsibility. I remind parents of the concert by e mail, announcement, postcard, and phone call but many parents will still forget.

But this I know. The parent is who God ordained to be responsible for their child’s faith. I am called to be that church resource to help them. I do this because I love teens.

Mark Riddle wrote in his blog http://www.theriddlegroup.com/blog/ar..., AThe gospel exists within community, not simply the family. Ministry to teens has never simply been about two people (parents) in the lives of a child. It is far more than this. Churches who take parenting seriously but who do not take community seriously are only shoveling the hot coals of guilt upon the heads of parents and then setting them up to fail. There is no healthy parenting outside of community.”

This is true. It takes both family and church family–to grow a child=s/teen=s faith and I’m in the position to help both do their roles.

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The End of the Superpersonality Youth Minister

This model did not allow me to witness to the youth at school since that would be considered proselytization which was not allowed on school grounds. I could just “hang out” with them.  This model also gave my youth an easy approach to witnessing since all they had to do was invite their friends to the youth meeting and not actually get into their testimony or the plan of salvation.

As the saying goes, “That was then, this is now.”  Now laws have limited yours and my exposure on the public school campus.  Just recently the Supreme Court ruled that graduation prayers given by a minister are unconstitutional.  That is the most recent example of how the public school campus is being closed to us adult youth workers.

However, at the same time the laws have moved greatly in favor of student rights to shire their faith on campus.  These rights are greater than what we could ever have hoped to achieve.

The next paragraph of information may be family to you but please allow me to give a brief overview of this particular that I am referring to.  Back in 1984 Congress passed a law called the Equal Access Act which stated that Bible clubs have the same access rights on public school campuses as any other non-curricular clubs.  In June of 1990, the Supreme Court upheld that right in a case called Board of Education of the Westside Community Schools vs. Mergens.  What the Supreme Court decision said was if a school is 1) a secondary school, 2) receives federal funds, 3) and has other non-curricular clubs, students have a legal right to start a Bible club.  This right also allows students to hang posters, distribute flyers, use the public address system, wear Christian t-shirts, etc.  I have plenty of information on this if you want to know more.

Let me take this information a step further as to what it means to us as youth leaders.  The season has passed where the quality of the youth program or the personality of the youth worker is what draws youth into the kingdom of God.  Now the work of evangelism lays mostly on the youth.  We will still be meeting youth who do not know Christ and we will still be desiring to offer the best program possible for the youth ministry.  However, our youth can share the good news of the gospel with their lab partners, lockermates, team mates, etc., on their territory.  Our job is to equip our youth to do just that.  Our focus needs to be on building you youth to do this work.

For those of us who are veterans in youth ministry, this may be a hard change.  We’ve relied so long on our personality and/or program that our security in ministry may rest in it.  For the rest of us veterans we may shout for joy because it frees us up from planning yet another event to draw unchurched youth in the hope they come to Christ. It gives us an opportunity to practically teach our youth how to live out their faith.

For the majority of youth workers are volunteers, you are now freed from the time pressures you may have felt.  The thoughts you have wrestled with concerning “if only I were on full-time staff” or “if only I had more time to put in” no longer are of great concern.  Not that you can still desire to be in full-time youth ministry but that you can now focus on equipping your youth to do the youth work you haven’t had the time to do.

Another plus in this new ‘90s youth ministry is the work of evangelism is not being done by one church or one youth ministry.  It is being done by Christian youth.  No matter what denomination they come from, they are all meeting together for one purpose, to spread the good news of Christ.

I know we all have the desire to be unified among all denominations and churches in our youth work.  We have worked hard and spent much money to do events together to cross these denominational boundaries.  The results have taken a toll on the time we can allocate to our youth ministries and very little of the unified goal is accomplished.  Through these Bible clubs (which include prayer meetings or whatever the students which to do) we may finally have found the solution.

While in Bible college, the same youth ministry professor had us praying in class we as out of class for the youth revival of the ‘90s.  This is what he lived and bread for beginning in 1984.  It is now 1992.  Two years have passed but the groundwork is there.  Revival is beginning.  The laws of the land have given us new keys to the kingdom to reach this generation.  There is new strategy to be planned.  We are in for some exciting years.

Reflections from 2011:  It was 10+ years later that my wild-frontier opinion completely changed on the effectiveness of school Bible clubs.  I had hopes in 1992.  By 2004 this plan has been mostly ineffective. 

Also the 1990s and now the ‘00s have passed and I’ve yet to witness this widespread youth revival.  Though I do have hopes this year from what I predict will be the results of the Occupy Wall Street movement.  We’ll see over time if this wild-frontier thinking is correct. 

What is amazing is how Brenda-centered youth ministry was in the 1980s and how Brenda-centered it was taught to be.  I see here an early glimpse of my frustrations which led to the revelation in 2003 of how youth ministry was centered on the youth worker which led to the wonderful fruit of Church Family-Based Youth Ministry. 

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Like Rizpah

Rizpah was one of the daughters of Saul and she had two sons.  Her two sons, Armoni and Mephibosheth (not the Mephibosheth David befriended), were hanged to their death by the Gibeonites as were several other of Saul’s descendants.  Rizpah, a mom and lover of her sons, can teach us a lesson out of what she did for her dead sons. 

This is what she did:  “Rizpah daughter of Aiah took sackcloth and spread it out for herself on a rock.  From the beginning of the harvest till the rain poured down from the heavens on the bodies, she did not let the birds of the air touch them by day or the wild animals by night.”   2 Samuel 21:10 CEV.

From the beginning of harvest until the rains came,  Rizpah stayed with her dead sons day and night.  That is about five months.  For five months she was there so the birds and other animals would not have her dead sons.  Picture this.  A woman holding that sackcloth, standing on the rock, and shaking the sackcloth at those vultures screaming, “Stay away you vulture!  You will not have my sons!  They may be dead but they are still my sons!  You can’t have them!”  Even when her sons were rotting and smelling, she was there shaking that sackcloth.

Isn’t that what we do for people we deeply love?   Those that we love beyond human words?  We stand on the rock of Jesus Christ and do everything we can to keep the vultures away from loved ones.  “No, drugs, promiscuity, apathy, you can’t have them!  No, MTV, you can’t influence my kids!  No, Satan, you can’t touch them!”

And even when they are ugly in death, rotting and smelling, we are still there waving our sackcloth standing on the Rock.

Recently I was invited to a 14-year old boy’s birthday party.  Someone I know from the school I substitute at.  I received his invitation with the American Gladiators on it from his sister because he has been expelled from Godwin for selling drugs.  I received a childish looking invitation for a boy who is guilty of a very adult crime.  Of course, I went.  I was the only white person there but I was shaking my sackcloth keeping those vultures off of him.  He=s not completely dead yet.  They can’t have him.

You probably have stories and stories of the sackcloths you’ve been shaking for the sakes of loved ones.  But Rizpah’s story doesn’t end there.  “When (King) David was told what Aiah’s daughter, Rizpah, Saul’s concubine, had done…  David brought the bones of Saul and his son Jonathan from there, and the bones of those who had been killed and exposed were gathered up.  They buried the bones of Saul and his son Jonathan in the tomb of Saul’s father Kish, at Zela in Benjamin, and did everything the king commanded.  After that, God answered prayer in behalf of the land.”  2 Samuel 21:11‑14.

King David heard about Rizpah and what she had done.  He was so moved that he took down what was left of her sons and had them buried in the tomb for the kings.

Isn=t this our role as youth ministers?  Being there for our youth, defending the evil away, watching over them, until they are ready to be with the King.

Continue shaking that sackcloth.  Even when they seem to be smelling and rotting.  It may seem to be so hopeless.  The rewards may be few.  Many sackcloths need to be shaken at those vultures for the sake of our loved ones.

Take heart.  They will eventually be taken to the King. 

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Gen Z is Finding Jesus Without the Church

I’ve been praying for revival among young people since 1983. It is something one of my professors inspired me to do. I joined him in many early mornings praying for the revival of the 1990s.

What we got in the 1990s was a bad form of youth ministry that emphasized a stage and fandom that has led to this deconstruction trend. (Deconstruction has always been a stage of faith, social media made it famous.) I have a lot of opinion on that as I was there and had my own deconstruction of youth ministry methods beginning in 1994.

To my happy and curious ears I am delighted to hear about the outbreaks of revival among Gen Z. Beginning with the Asbury Outpouring and what has spread to many college campuses and other places young people are. We are seeing repentance happening, forgiveness of others, and a turning to the way of Jesus.

What we are not seeing are these same affected young people showing up to church. Or any of these revival moments happening inside of a church.

The Barna Group’s newest numbers reflect this. Since 2020, the percentage of Gen Z attending church weekly has dropped from 22 percent to 16 percent, while those not attending at all has risen from 28 percent to 37 percent. Source.

Those are some bad numbers. 16 percent of all Gen Z attend church weekly. 37 percent of all Gen Z don’t attend church at all. Note that this maps on to the years after the Asbury Outpouring.

Maybe you have heard also about the spiritual “openness” of Gen Z. This is another Barna Group finding. One I have found personally hopeful because in my 40+ years of youth ministry I have seen teens stop attending church in big numbers. I have seen what happens when parents in the 1990s chose sports over Sunday morning church and the effect this had on their teens who now get to make their own decisions. Church was modeled as unimportant and “it’s okay to belong to a church but we don’t have to go every week.” Now they aren’t going to church at all, at least 37 percent of them. Especially with the internet, Gen Z can learn about Jesus in other places than the Church. The void of the habit of attending church is why I believe they are more open. They know so little about Jesus.

Yes, Gen Z (and Gen Alpha) is more spiritually open. But that doesn’t mean they are always drawn to Christianity. They are being drawn to enchantment, which Christianity is full of. They are being drawn to mattering, which Christianity is full of. Or can be full of.

Gen Z is having Christian spiritual experiences but are not finding a church because they are drawn to enchantment; to mattering; to something more than the “magic” they have grown up with that their smartphone has provided. They are not finding a church because Church is too corporate, too institutionalized, too stale, too expected.

You know this to be true also.

Gen Z is finding Jesus in other places that they consider sacred. The Church is not on the list.

Without proper discipleship, this spiritual openness can lead to learning some bad Christian teachings—which will certainly be thrown away in the future in a big ball of social media deconstruction talk. These bad teachings are not a part of the Christian story that is over 2,000 years old. We are people of a place. We are people of a person, not a notion or belief system or philosophy but the person of Jesus Christ.  This has placement and is not fluid. We belong to something. This is why we quote ancient creeds.

Enchantment that leads to a creedal faith happens in intergenerational relationships. It happens when young curious souls connect with aged wise souls. There is some magic in that. There is some stickiness in that. This happens more often in a church. Or in some churches, because some churches will keep that stage-mentality for as long as they can.

Gen Z wants to hear their names being said. Saying their names means they matter to someone. That means a lot in this “loneliness epidemic.”

Gen Z are curious about you. You who has “made it” and how you made it. You who has a committed love story, because they have so rarely experienced this. You who knows their name and they know that they matter to you.

Gen Z will test whether you will tenaciously stay in relationship with them. Because they have been left by so many significant others by this time in their lives. The weight of perseverance falls on us church people more than them who sometimes show up and sometimes don’t. A church can provide a place of tenacious adults who don’t abandon.

Gen Z have enough say-so in life that they want to be a part of a dialogue. They do have something to contribute. Church tends to be monologue and those in up-gens being the only voice. Gen Z is too influential to not be a part of the dialogue.

Gen Z wish to be authentic. This should be something that the Church welcomes. Gen Z are assaulted by performance—surrounded by sales pitches—in every part of their life. Social media is a performance-driven ecosystem. Church can feel like a performance is asked of them too. Institutions that purport to be sources of truth are all under suspicion (including the Church). All of this has created a driving hunger for the truth in them, hence the spiritual openness. Can your church provide this? Including the truth that Jesus does declare some things as wrong? Strong convictions are welcomed when you are spiritually curious, as this Gen Zer tells us:

“And it’s so destabilising for children when adults don’t have strong convictions. I think it makes young people nihilistic. What else can we do? We have nothing to fight for or rebel against. We don’t build anything because for that you need a foundation of beliefs. We can’t even believe the opposite of what our parents believe because they don’t really believe in anything. How can you rebel against a Void? …We aren’t revolting because we were restricted by too many rules; we are revolting against too much freedom. When everything is permitted, the only rebellion left is to give up on it all.” –Freya India https://www.freyaindia.co.uk/p/the-need-for-adults

Why do we all need a church? Because we want to matter. By mattering I mean,

“Mattering is a form of enchantment, a conviction that, in some mystical way, the cosmos sees you and honors your pain and struggles. Your emotional and mental well-being rests upon this bit of magic. Because the conviction that you matter is nonsense when considered from a purely factual point of view. The physical universe, all those supernovas and black holes out there, cares nothing about your suffering or your heroic efforts to love and care for the people in your life. The belief that you matter is a residual bit of magic, similar to the soul, smuggled in from our enchanted past, the conviction that God sees and cares for you.” (Hunting Magic Eels, Richard Beck, p. 56)

I’ve been quoting that a lot lately, especially in my church. Mattering is the belief and conviction that you matter, that your life has cosmic significance regardless of external circumstances. Because something outside of you (and your striving) sees you. God is personal and cares about you. I want to be one of those adults that tells young people that…often. I will be tenacious.

Read also: Today’s Teens Have No Social Obligation to Go to Church

Find a Church Like This

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Why Teens Aren’t Rebelling Anymore

I began my writing career having been inspired by this quote back in 1990 from film director John Waters (Cry-Baby, Hairspray) from a backpage article for the special edition Newsweek issue to kick off the last decade before the Twentieth Century. 

“Sex, drugs and rock and roll all seem so old hat. Who would have ever thought you could die from sex? It was much more fun when you only went to hell. In the old days, the most curious rebels took drugs to think more; now the stupidest ones take them so they don’t have to think at all.

“…Stop being so rebelliously lazy. Here’s how to horrify me so it will work. Start off by making it cool to be poor again, the only way left to be un-American. You shouldn’t want to be rich, you should want to embarrass the rich. Don’t move to New York or Los Angeles; stay home and scare the neighbors. …The uncoolest thing in the ’90s will be racism. My generation will pretend to be liberal, while still thinking the same stupid racist thoughts. Expose us by reversing the usual negative cliches and watch all the phony, politically correct parents see red. …Since you can’t have promiscuous sex anymore, consider yourself lucky. No sex makes you more nuts and that’s good. Besides, you didn’t get to think up sex in the first place, so why bother? …Yeah, yeah, yeah, they took drugs in the ’60s. So what?! Then they all became alcoholics and addicts. And now, even worse, you’ve got to listen to how they overcame their addictions.

“See? It’s easy to get a rise out of us old farts. You’re finally on to something new–a dawn of devious teen behavior to mock the millennium. Get moving!” 

So many thoughts 35 years later.

Now we are legalizing marijuana. (I have strong thoughts about that.) Teens and young adults are having less sex but only because of the increase of porn, which can so easily be found on our devices which are with us 24/7 and which were only a Star Trek-reality back then. Racism did continue through the 1990s, 2000s, change started happening in 2010s, and then 2020 happened. (Changing racism is a marathon, not a march.)

What has happened to our teens since then?

“And it’s so destabilising for children when adults don’t have strong convictions. I think it makes young people nihilistic. What else can we do? We have nothing to fight for or rebel against. We don’t build anything because for that you need a foundation of beliefs. We can’t even believe the opposite of what our parents believe because they don’t really believe in anything. How can you rebel against a Void? …We aren’t revolting because we were restricted by too many rules; we are revolting against too much freedom. When everything is permitted, the only rebellion left is to give up on it all.” –Freya India https://www.freyaindia.co.uk/p/the-need-for-adults

Read the rest of that article and hear a Gen Zer begging for adult guidance. I believe she is prophetic.

The Void is what we’ve left our next generations because…well, read the article because everything is called out. This is on us.

Guidance, teaching discernment, imparting wisdom, protection, passing on values, saying clearly “this is wrong,” restrictions is what she is asking for backing it up with proof of the brokenness they’ve grown up in. All things parents can supply, grandparents can supply, and the Church can supply. Let’s not back away from this opportunity any longer. Jesus does declare some things as wrong.

Our young people need to hear this. From us. From adults. From adults who care about them.

This is why I support intergenerational relationships in church in every way possible. More of this please.

Yes, we may be canceled or some other form of “rebellion” in the process with their 16-year old brains. It sounds like the risk will be worth it. We are in a larger story here. Our end game is not pleasing a 16-year old.

“Children are crying out for more protection. They need reassurance that there is a right and wrong. They need adults to define and defend it. And to hold them to a standard. Because when there’s nobody around to judge, there’s also nobody around to ground, or to guide. Nobody to be harsh but also nobody to be honest. Nobody to get in your way but also nobody to get you out of your own way. I really believe my generation is anxious today because we had so few adults in our lives to feel confident in.” –Freya India

You can count on me, dear 20something, to make these brave faith decisions to stick with you throughout. And to find other adults to join me.

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Our Story of Committed Love

(Picture of “old” us at Citi Field at a NY Mets game because sports is one of our love languages.)

I am an avid follower of Gen Z writer and influencer, Freya India. She writes words about what I love about teens and 20somethings and my worries for them.

Once again she wrote this and it inspired me.

“What I’m most envious of is how people used to fall in love, how they used to stay in love. Many young people today were exposed to online porn before they even had a first kiss. Many of us have never known finding love without swiping and subscription models. We have never known flirting before it became sending DMs or reacting to Snapchat Stories with flame emojis.

“Romance is being killed in other ways, too. Our therapeutic culture pathologises love, convincing us that everything is a trauma response, that being dependent on someone is a deficiency. Science and reason remind us that love is nothing more than a chemical reaction. Now a crush on someone is just an attachment issue.

“Ultimately I think we are raising a generation full of doubt. The psychologist Erich Fromm talks about ‘faith’ and ‘doubt’ as being character traits, as sort of dispositions of the soul. We are a chronically doubtful generation—of ourselves, of the world, of love, of each other. And we think this feeling of doubt is a reason not to commit to things, whereas really, we are doubtful because we don’t commit.

“So, if I’m honest, I’m probably asking you about this because I just like talking about marriage. I love to hear about love, and what it takes—the compromise, the sacrifice, and what comes from that. My generation is starved for love stories. Or commitment stories, you could say.” –Freya India https://www.freyaindia.co.uk/p/rejecting-the-machine (Subscribe to her.)

Dear Freya and all the others with the same ache in their souls,

Here is one story of committed love. Mine. The story that inspires me to keep making my brave faith decisions.

I first fell in love somewhere around age 16. But it was not a love for a lifetime. Thankfully it was not a damaging love that shaped my future decisions. First loves have that possibility.

I fell in love two other times before I married my now husband of 28 years. Both of those were great matches. What I mean by that is there was chemistry and there was friendship and there was likemindedness. But sometimes love is not enough for a love for a lifetime. Both didn’t want to marry a pastor and all that comes along with that.

I did date a lot in those years. Because I was dateable but only for so long because most didn’t want to date a pastor. I could have suffered from a lot of rejection but I learned this dating practice of having my vanity.

Vanity is that something inside of me that says “I am worth it so I will decide to…” In my case, I decided to trust God to wait for the better match because I am worth it. I also decided to not waste my heart on those lesser guys who would only have a few dates with me…because I’m worth it.

I also never had to try to find love by swiping and subscription models. I do believe this would have broken me. I had my vanity and I was honest and forthright about my call to be a pastor. Because of this I had a rule that if any guy asked me out I would say yes. They knew they were asking out a pastor, but I also often thought they really didn’t know what being a pastor means as was proven by no second date. Good thing I had my vanity. The amount of fakery on dating apps never would have allowed me to keep that rule.

It was that rule that allowed me to meet my husband. We were acquaintances who liked talking to each other. But there was no chemistry, no attraction, at least on my side.

John did do the shocking move and called me on the telephone back in 1994 and asked me out. It was an actual direct ask. I was caught off guard and said yes because that was my rule.

We went on a couple of dates that are a blur to this day. I was “meh” about the whole thing and we stopped the dates but continued to talk on the phone. We had a fundraiser we were working on together which is how we met in the first place. Over time our fundraiser talk lessened as we started talking about our lives. The fundraiser never happened.

I loved this season of being friends with John. He was safe. He was good to talk to. I felt seen and heard and no expectations. In hindsight this was truly foundational.

Until that one day John declared we could no longer be “just friends.” He felt differently and made that brave declaration. I was moved to uncomfortable because I wanted the friendship but I didn’t want his baggage.

John is twice-divorced and comes from a family of dysfunction. I couldn’t believe that God’s best for me was this mess. With hindsight wisdom, his two divorces barely affected our marriage, but the family dysfunction did.

When life becomes uncomfortable it is time to recognize the holy tension of it and go through the holy tension of it to figure out what is going on. For me this was a wrestling with God time which culminated in a week-long fast. I came out of that time with a clear decision. I loved this guy, I was attracted to this guy, and we were getting married. To which John agreed wholeheartedly. There’s the romance of our relationship. A long friendship and a decision.

A year and a half later we were married in a wedding ceremony that gave me zero nerves. I was that sure. The only reason why we waited that long to get married is we didn’t want to get married during MLB baseball or NFL football seasons. Sports is one of our love languages.

It is in the marriage that the romance really starts.

I don’t know how John has done it. With zero role models in his before-marriage life, his life goal is to be a good husband. He is. His first instinct is to serve. He’s a giver. He supports my dreams. Every day I feel beautiful with this man. He tells me that often. Though it took a while, I believe him. Even as I’ve aged, I know I still take his breath away mostly because he tells me so often. With my aging body failing me, this never failing from him keeps my confidence up.

John is far from perfect but he has a desire to learn. This is such a good quality.

The largest family baggage John brought into our marriage was his attitude towards money. As a pastor I’ve always lived on a very tight budget because I’m a pastor. He lived as if money was falling out of his pocket, which is how his family lived. It was just a year into our marriage when the money ran out. With money falling out of his pocket we had lots of extravagant and memorable dates. When it ran out, he continued to live like that reasoning that my budgeting was not realistic. Until we ended up with a large debt load. He was right and I was wrong, until I became so right as we’ve lived with reducing this debt now for 26 years.

This is a breach of trust. Trust is so core to a marriage.

How have we overcome this to reach 28 years of marriage? Both of us have a commitment to the institution of marriage. We decided before we got married that divorce is not an option. But I don’t feel trapped in a disappointing marriage. John has continued to learn. John has remained humble. John has persevered. John has hustled to find extra ways to decrease this debt. John has continued to be a giver and support my very not profitable and very rewarding career. John has allowed me to become this brave story.

In return, John has been allowed to do/dream/pursue whatever he wants.  He loves being an entrepreneur. With that sort of freedom, he has become a great provider, a great man of God, happy, with a devoted wife who loves him so much.  John has become who he has always wanted to be.

It helps that being married to me is near perfection. Not. I’ve had to grow and learn too. But with this devoted and humble husband, this is relatively easy to do.  This is the man I waited for to marry. He has proven to be what I was waiting on. No compromising my soul to be with this one!

I could and should list other factors such as having the same faith (thankfully John also has a brave faith), same moral code, and intentionally surrounding ourselves with a life team of friends who support both of us. We’ve learned to speak each other’s love languages. We’ve had great joys and some very hard smashed heart seasons we’ve had to grow through together (you’ve ready my story here at Bravester). We intentionally grow through these life events together.

So to those with this ache in your soul, may this real story of pain and beauty inspire you. You have the opportunity to learn before you make your “love for a lifetime” decision, specifically to not contort yourself to settle for someone less than. To have your vanity and to attract a worthy one. You are quite a catch. You will attract a worthy one.

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Dear 20Something

Dear 20Something

The post Dear 20Something appeared first on Bravester.

Becoming Enchanted Again with Advent

So we begin the liturgical season of Advent. With this hope that we have need of each other. With this hope of waiting for the Savior with each other. Advent is a season of divine anticipation. We know Jesus has been born, but we enter the anticipation again. We enter into the waiting.

Who likes waiting?

It’s more fun to wait together. This is part of the magic of Christmas. 

Even for you whose hope has been smashed.

We live in this disenchanted world where magic seems to be only saved for Christmas. This Advent season I give you the enchanting story of a baby born to a virgin who changed the world.

We love science and technology, I love science and technology, but we’ve lost our ability to see God, to be enchanted by God.

God must make sense somehow. I can’t trust something or someone who doesn’t make sense. Trust issues with God are triggered. Hope is too risky.

Guess what? God is larger than what makes sense. So we have a baby born to a virgin and born into poverty.

Prayer is harder when you are disenchanted. Prayer seems too much like magic. We struggle when the magic doesn’t work so it’s safer to stay disenchanted. Why get your hopes up with prayer?

Yet we pray when we don’t know what to do or say. “I’ll pray for you” becomes those words. Even atheists say it. This is because everyone hallows. To hallow is to make or declare something as holy and sacred. To set apart and make holy.

We pray, “Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be your name.” That’s a good starting point. 

The reason we say “I’ll pray for you,”–even if we don’t believe in prayer or in God or have serious doubts about prayer working–is that when we face great pain, we feel compelled to hallow it, or to set it apart from the normal stuff of daily life.

Hallowing is enchanting.

Disenchantment cannot hallow, and we feel its impotence acutely in the face of suffering.

This is why “I’m so sorry” or “I’ll be thinking of you” feels so inadequate. “Sending my thoughts” feels emptier because what good are your thoughts in this moment of pain?

When pain is deep, we long for enchantment so we want to hallow the moment. Prayer is the only thing up to the task of trying to make sense of what doesn’t make sense.

Prayer might not “work” but it hallows.

We hallow because human life requires a sacred texture. Some things have to be set apart from the common and ordinary flow of events. (Thanks to Richard Beck and my new favorite book, Hunting Magic Eels, for teaching me this.)

This is one of the purposes of the liturgical calendar. This is why we stop to celebrate something called Advent.

Life can be just one day after another after another. But to hallow something means we are setting something apart as special and noteworthy. We come with an expectancy of enchantment, maybe even magic. An answer to prayer about this pain would be magic.

We need to give this moment of life a significance and weight beyond the next Netflix binge. Life is more than workday to workday, entertainment to entertainment, screen to screen. We crave holy days and sacred moments. We need to light candles and sing. All the better when it is with people.

Isn’t your heart awakened and your five senses awakened at Christmas?

I love this quote from a writer I follow, Marcie Alvis-Walker:

“I am convinced that the reason Christmas has remained while other traditions and celebrations have faded from history is that the story sells itself.

“Of course, it’s also true that it endures because the Church endures. But tell me, when was the last time that only the faithful partook in holiday glee? Unless they’re hosted by a church or a religious organization, what office parties are known to gather in reverence of the birth of the Savior?

“…Haven’t you ever wondered at that? This bizarre, unbelievably far-fetched story of angel visitations, a virgin birth, a geriatric birth, a non-verbal priest, some shepherds, a census, some Far-East Asian astrologers, a tyrannical ruler, a baby massacre—and a partridge-in-a-pear-tree—endures.” https://blackeyedstories.substack.com...

So I give you the story of a baby born to a virgin, born into poverty and dependency in need of parents.

To become enchanted again is to feel some hope. Life has smashed you. Hope is too risky.

But what if… What if you could feel the magic again?

Make the brave decisions as Advent and then Christmas awakens your senses to the possibility of magic.

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Why I Am Pro-Guilt and Anti-Shame

I am pro-guilt. I hate shame.

Guilt is different than shame.

Guilt is the Holy Spirit twinging you to do better. It is part trained conscious and a lot Holy Spirit. Guilt says, “here is your moment to make that virtuous choice.”

Shame is the monster that keeps you small. Shame is the fear of disconnection—it’s the fear that something you’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that you’ve not lived up to, or a goal that you’ve not accomplished makes you unworthy of connection.

Shame is not my friend. Shame is not responsible.

Shame feels comforting when I feel so helpless.

Shame does not make the situation any better.

Shame lies. Shame changes the truth of the story.

Shame survives by convincing me I’m alone. Shame tells me that I am unloveable.

Shame is exhausting because I have to keep up with the lies.

Shame prompts me to toss away the good gifts I am given.

Shame is never being enough so I thought I had the entitlement to do wrong.

Shame causes me to talk to myself in ways I would never talk to those I love and respect.

Shame loves to be that voice in my head repeating again and again that I am never enough.

Shame thrives in secret keeping. 

Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.

I have a strong opinion about shame. I have lost too many friends to the “responsibility” of shame.

Shame beats you up. While guilt wakes you up.Do you see why I am anti-shame?

Maybe this will help you see this. This is a Dr. Brene’ Brown practice.

There is a difference between guilt and shame.

Guilt = I did something bad

Shame = I am bad.

Guilt = “Great girl, really bad choice.”

Shame = “Bad girl.” 

Do you see why I’m anti-shame?

Your sin does separate you from God.  It puts a wall up that only Jesus can take down because he is the only one without sin. There is forgiveness available for you, always.

There is a popular teaching that God can’t stand sin, thus God can’t be in the presence of sin. It goes like this: God is holy and loving; you are a sinner; God hates sin and can’t be in sin’s presence; don’t worry, the cross brings good news because now the God no longer sees you but instead looks at Christ and his cross.

Surprisingly when Jesus came to earth he didn’t start puking everywhere because he was now amongst sinners. In fact, he is found with sinners. He was not disgusted by them but he ate dinner with sinners. He was found laughing in the presence of those who sin.

Of course, Jesus was upset by harmful systems which is why he called out the Pharisees. This is a justice issue, which means Jesus acts. You can’t have love without justice. (Think deeper about that.) Justice does not mean shame.

Your shame puts up a SECOND WALL. This wall we put up ourselves. This one keeps Jesus away. Those of you experiencing shame right now know this. You are doing everything you can so Jesus won’t look at you.

In the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve sinned, Genesis 3:9 records, “The Lord called out to the man, ‘Where are you?’”

Where are you?

God wasn’t shaming them. God was looking for them. And he’s been looking for us ever since. God has arranged the universe to come close to you.  Romans 10:11 says “As Scripture says, ‘Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.’” (NIV)

God does not use shame to pursue us. God is not insecure that he needs to use shame to “power over” us to call us back.

The guilt of what both Adam and Eve did was the guilt that caused them to hide. There was that twinge that we did something wrong. The shame came in their varied attempts to hide themselves further.

Do you see why I’m pro-guilt?

In your imperfect progress, may you listen to those guilty twinges more. Because I promise you, the movement of God is to make beautiful things. The signature mark of God is redeeming the shame.

Hello, beautiful.

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Is It Harder Being a Teen Today?

I’ve been a youth pastor since the 1980s. I’m in my 5th decade of believing in teens. I’ve also lived through all of those decades with the teens and have learned a lot. Read about this unique perspective.

I can soundly say that today’s teens are different. I write about that here.

But is this just my limited perspective? What do parents think?

Read this clever graphic article from Pew Research to get the real numbers. Again, with clever graphics. Sometimes a visual helps, right? I just had to pass this on.

Why Many Parents and Teens Think It’s Harder Being a Teen Today

What do you think?

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