Brenda Seefeldt Amodea's Blog, page 4

Brenda-Based Youth Ministry vs. Church Family-Based Youth Ministry

It is hard to see my name in the title but it is there on purpose. Too many youth ministries are centered on the youth pastor. No one would ever tout ourselves as so central to a ministry. Yet whether from church expectation, our training, or our makeup, we have become too central.
Let me ask this test question. When you first arrived at your church, did you feel that your number one priority was to hang out with the teens so they could get to know you? And you felt this was important to be done before they would believe in the next youth ministry vision? That simple and oft-used statement then leads to the next question. Why do they need to believe in the new youth ministry plans you brought with you? Why do you feel the need to change things as a way to show ownership of the youth ministry? Why is the youth ministry changing when you arrive instead of you continuing what has been happening but what maybe tweaked under your leadership giftings?
This central relationship is such an assumption of ministry priority that a guy I won’t name but who is the director of student ministries for publishing company advised in a past Youth Worker Journal. “If you are a youth worker in a small church, you can have everyone over to your house for dinner or take the whole group out for milkshakes without robbing a bank. If you only have a handful of students in your group, you can get out to their high school football games or concerts. You can remember everybody’s birthdays, and you can pray for each one specifically each day. You can show them how to do their own personal Bible study and you can answer specific life- related questions.” (May/June 2008) That is a lot of you to be doing so much. What about the rest of the church family?
No wonder I was so tired before in my Brenda-based youth ministry. And overwhelmed. And stressed. And physically ill. No wonder my personal life used to be such a mess.

Another test question. Have you ever voiced any of these complaints?
I pour myself (often sacrificing my personal time) into that one special youth. That one youth who I know will be the lead youth, that strong youth. That one youth who will actually make a difference among his friends. I pour myself into that one youth only to have this last for two years because once he gets his driver’s license and a job to support the car he no longer has the time for youth group responsibilities. And I’m left missing our relationship.
Even though I have millions of things going on, I am expected to remember a teen’s birthday or if a teen had a band concert even though I wasn’t asked to attend. It should be easy for me to keep track of 40 teen birthdays and the schedules of 9 different schools.
Very few people are concerned that I don’t have good relationships with people my own age.
I’m always trying to schedule more one-on-one times with individual youth because I see that their faith walk needs that individual attention. But I can never seem to find the time to get to all of these individuals. That frustrates me to no end because I know I can do more.
If I could schedule every moment I have out of the office, I can maybe get to all those one-on-one times but I have to be in the office for a certain amount of hours. I have to update the webpage, schedule the worship practice, edit the video, and arrange travel arrangements (total ugh!) for the next road trip. Or I have to work my regular job and still do all these other items.
I know that if I could just get a hold of this one youth, I can talk him out of making some big mistakes. But he’s not returning my phone calls or texts. I need to spend even more time in prayer.
If I want to do something because I want to be with my family or I just want to rest or do something with people my own age, I feel guilty about being selfish with my time.
I am supposed to look over every silly teenage thing a teen does even if the behavior is not socially acceptable. Or if it makes the church look bad. If I correct you, I’m the bad one.
I listen to teens and hear what they are going through. I hear all sorts of warning signs which I know from my experience are not good and will probably lead to bigger problems. But I am not allowed to share those concerns with any parent because I’m their friend.
Nor will they listen to me when I tell them from my aged experience what these behaviors may lead to. I’m their friend, but I still don’t know what it is like to be them.
Since I am their friend, I am not supposed to be surprised when she cancels on youth group to spend time with another friend.
My life is an open book to my teens. They have met my parents, heard all of my adolescent stories which I have honed to become great lessons, and some have spent time in my home. But if I ask a teen why his grades are slipping, I am trying to know too much.
A teen can talk bad about me, text things about me to others, glare at me, gossip about me, and tell her friends that I am intrusive, but my feelings aren’t supposed to get hurt.
When IMing a teen, it’s okay if she IMs ten other people while she’s talking to me but if I don’t respond back quick enough to her smiley face, I don’t care about her.
I remind teens of the next event by email, announcement, postcard, and phone call but many teens will still forget.
In scheduling that special retreat, I bend over backwards to make the schedule work for the most teens. But as soon as she has something better to do, she is not coming anyway.
In scheduling that special retreat, I bend over backwards to make the retreat special. But if so-and-so isn’t going, she isn’t going to go either. No matter what I have planned, hyped, and encouraged.
When a teen graduates, even though I had spent tons of time with him, he doesn’t say thanks, doesn’t call or doesn’t even send an e mail letting me know how college is going.
Then a year later I hear that this teen has now joined a fraternity and is doing things I taught him not to do. But my schedule is too busy scheduling in those one-on-one times and editing videos to even write him a letter.
These complaints are symptoms of a Brenda-based youth ministry where everything becomes centered on me not because I need it to be that way. Not because of my ego or because I believe my relationship with that teen alone would change his/her life. Not even to justify my salary. It is this way because this is what youth ministry has become. (And if you are honest with yourself, one of these reasons may be the truth for you.)

There is a better way to do things. It’s not even a new concept. The church family has always been there to be a part of youth ministry. The new concept may be the youth worker recognizing the value of the church family and being the one to purposely bridge these important relationships.

At my own church, we’ve been doing our own style of Church Family-Based Youth Ministry for ten years now (documented in the Pair of Cleats archives). This is a summary of what we’ve found so far.

Bringing parents into the youth ministry doubled our group size. But that is not why we do it.

Including as many church family members into various youth ministry plans widely expanded the adults I can call on. It is so much easier to find help. But that is not why we do it.

When I scheduled the youth group to prepare a meal for the homeless shelter, I didn’t get the expected hesitation of too many minors in the industrial kitchen without the appropriate number of adults. I got a chipper relief in her voice when I told her we do youth group with our parents required to be involved. But that is not why we do it.

When my Wild Frontier travels require me to be gone for extended periods of time, nothing falls apart. Since nothing is centered on me, all of the adults know their roles and have been ministering freely in their roles while I’m around so this simply continues when I’m gone.

Since nothing is centered on me and in the event I ever leave my church, there won’t be that huge transition the youth will suffer through. This youth ministry matches the personality of the church, not the youth minister, so the next youth minister should be able to step right in and continue with what has been the practice with his/her leadership giftings which will be different than mine. I know I will be missed but I also know that there won’t be a rebuilding of the youth ministry in the year after I leave.

But the big reason why we do church family-based youth ministry is because we realize that teens take their spiritual cues from their parents. Even if they don’t have spiritual parents but spiritual longings, these teens attach themselves to other adults in our church family who do. Sometimes even fondly calling these other adults “mom” or “dad.” In all reality, a teen’s faith will only grow as far as the parents’ faith. So why not challenge the parents alongside the teens? Why not provide other spiritual “parents” for the teens (Second Family members)? Ones who will still be at the church long after I have moved on.
I also realized what the National Study on Youth and Religion discovered. “Most teenagers are quite positive about their relationship with their parents, and four out of five teenagers who attend church or synagogue willingly name adults in their congregations whom they enjoy talking to, and who give them lots of encouragement. In the NSYR, three out of five youth names one or more adults in their congregations, other than their parents, to whom they can turn for support, advice, and help. In fact, the number of adults available for such support rose proportionally to teenagers’ religious devotion.” (Almost Christian, p. 152) There is a direct correlation to a growing faith and church family involvement in the growth of that faith. (Yes, this is the second time in three months in a row I’ve quoted this). I’ve seen that direct correlation in our ten years of practice.

I can tell you why church-family based youth ministry doesn’t happen. Working with parents does present a whole new set of problems one could complain about. A parent could have soccer as a higher priority than youth group. A parent could have an immature faith that has been stuck for fifteen years. A parent could still expect me to do the spiritual training of their child despite me telling her for three years that it is her responsibility. I remind parents of the event by email, announcement, postcard, and phone call but many parents will still forget.
And bringing in as many church family members does take extra work to inspire, challenge, and ask for their participation. This type of work is not hanging with teens which is often where we prefer to spend our time.
Then there are our own personal egos. Honestly, I don’t get to teach as much and I am not “the hero” to teenagers anymore. These are ego issues and you know it.

This I know though. It takes both–family and church family–to grow a child’s/teen’s faith and I’m in the position to help both do their roles. This is my rightful role. Plus I feel alive and healthy again.

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The Generation Gap

In my ten years of youth ministry, I have always held to the belief that the parents’ place in youth ministry is in parent meetings and helping out with food or transportation on an occasional basis. It was a rare discovery to find parents who could serve as a volunteer staff member.

The reasons for this were that youth in their years of struggling for identity would be cramped with their parents in the youth meeting. The youth group is the place where youth could share their struggles of growing up and try on new roles and new expressions.

Something happened recently though that has caused me to rethink this belief. In my youth group we have a habit of welcoming newcomers with wild clapping and cheering. One night one of our newer girls brought her mother. She stood and introduced her mother and the youth broke out in the loudest and wildest welcome. It gave me the chills. This mom was more than welcomed to be a part of “the group.”

The thought came to me—maybe this generation gap is actually one of Satan’s schemes to steal, kill and destroy this generation.

The increase of the destructive behavior by adolescents is common knowledge. What kept me as an adolescent from getting into so much trouble was 1) fear of my parents finding out; 2) fear of the impending lecture; and 3) fear of hurting my parents. I had plenty of opportunities to be in trouble but this “gapless” relationship I had with my parents prevented that. Simple knowledge tells us that the more communication there is between parents and teens, the less trouble the teen will be in. When there is distance and miscommunication, the choice to get into trouble is made easy.

For years we as youthworkers may have been attributing to this generation gap—sometimes even becoming surrogate parents to youth who have parents. Instead of attributing to the generation gap, we should be eliminating it.

Our youth ministries should be places where parents feel welcomed—even applauded wildly. I know, it’s hard enough to make visitors feel welcomed. If parents see teenagers being ministered to, especially their teenager, they will feel welcomed.

More than parents being welcomed at a youth meeting, parents ought to be a part of the meeting and even the volunteer staff team. Why? 1) Parent’s knowledge and experience can be of great benefit. 2) Other youth might really like someone’s parents thus dawning on that youth that their parents may actually be “cool.” 3) Youth who may not have parents or have quasi-parents can form healthy relationships with other parents. 4) Youth who are experimenting with new found independence steps can find youth group a safe environment to test these steps “with” their parents. 5) The parent and teenager “gapless” relationship can be nurtured developing that closeness that prevents bad choices.

Your mind may have immediately thought about a teenager who would hate to have his/her parents at his/her youth meeting. He/she should would react or clam up and it would seem to have devastating effects on the work that has begun in him/her. But I believe the core of the father heart of God is to close this generation gap and restore the family. “He will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse.” Malachi 4:6.

This generation gap is a post-World War II development. It has not always been there nor is it a part of the healthy development of teenagers. In fact, growing up a teenager today tends to be very unhealthy. Our youth ministries can close that gap and turn the hearts of the children to their fathers and mothers.

This is an “out there” thought. Out there on the Wild Frontier.

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The Long Transition to Church Family-Based Youth Ministry

Maybe by now you are becoming more and more convinced from the now many blog writers and resources (like from Wild Frontier!) encouraging you to include parents and your church family into your youth ministry in a greater measure..  Certainly you’ve been swayed by the great amount of statistical research that backs this up.  We continue to compile these numbers at Support Statistics.

But you still may have questions as to how to incorporate this new practice of youth ministry into your local church situation.  This may be true especially if you’ve been at your church for some time and the youth ministry is clicking along well.  This change would come easier if there are apparent problems in the youth ministry or if you are already in a transitional season.   No matter what stage the youth ministry is in, you know that you know that you need to make this transition.  There is this Holy-Spirit nagging that you must listen to.  So here are some tips. 

After beginning the discussion about the role of parents in youth ministry since 1994 when Mark DeVries challenged us to rethink this, three separate models of family ministry have shaped up.  Those three are briefly:

Family Integrated – All age-segregated ministries are eliminated. There is no youth group, no children’s ministry, nothing age-graded.  The generations learn and worship together with parents bearing primary responsibility for the evangelism and discipleship of their children.

Family Equipping –Most of the age-segregated ministries remain intact but the church leaders plan and organize their ministries so that they champion the place of parents as the primary faith trainers.  Often parents are required to serve.

Family Based – No radical changes occur in the church’s internal structure. The church family still maintains youth ministry, children’s ministry, singles ministry, etc.  Teens may still experience worship and small groups in peer groups, separated from other generations, but each ministry sponsors events and learning experiences that are intentionally designed to draw generations together.

When we refer to CFBYM, we refer to a mix of Family Equipping and Family Based that also intentionally includes the church family.  What you do at your church will most undoubtedly be your own combination and have your own flavor.   Go as the Holy Spirit leads. 

No matter what flavor your form of CFBYM grows into, there will be a long and intentional season of transitioning.  Stay with it.  There will be some intentional transitions which you can lead with.  But honestly more of this practice will be caught than taught.   Stay with it. 

Before we talk about the intentional transitioning you can do from your youth leadership position, I must mention the importance of your senior pastor, elders, leadership committee, etc., being on board with you and this new practice of youth ministry.  The youth ministry is not an island.  You are making this transition because you desire to intentionally bring youth ministry back into the center of the church family.  To succeed all of the church’s leadership needs to be on board with this transition.

If they are not yet on board, this is where you must start.  CFBYM.org is full of helps to do that.

There are some roles you can play and some practices you can incorporate from your role as youth worker that will help you lead during this transition.  The following is a starter list:

The youth ministry plans and calendars are under you and your leadership team’s direction.  You can purposely plan in events to introduce these ideas to the teens as well as the parents and other adults in the church.  I’ve used this picture description many times to explain this.  A CFBYM youth leader is the master of one big chess board with the prize being the faith and formation of the teens.  In this role you are moving all of the pieces of the church to interact with the teens.  Every person from the widows to the nursery workers are your beloved pawns, rooks, and queens to set up opportunities to pass on their faith experiences to the teens.  Brainstorm with your leadership team how you can intentionally incorporate the parents and church family into your calendar. 

This is more than just creating CFBYM events.  A common leadership mistake in bringing about change is to try to get people to buy into programs.  While you may schedule through programs, it is more important for you to have the church family embrace the principles.  This is where the time of transition becomes lengthy.  People quickly adapt to programs but may or may not experience change.  To adapt to principles takes purposed time. 

You will need to let go of some youth group favorites to make this transition. Another problem which arises from just creating CFBYM events, especially those more in the Family Based style of youth ministry,  are when these events are added into the already existing youth ministry plans.  These well-intentioned plans tend to be yet another meeting or yet another activity squeezed into the already full youth ministry schedule.  Most family schedules cannot handle yet another meeting to attend, so too often these new added meetings will get skipped in favor of what is already scheduled.  In this transition, it will be very likely that something you’ve done before or have done traditionally may need to be dropped. 

And remember, a CFBYM event is not a parent meeting where you bring everyone together to present your agenda. 

Not all of your intentions need to be events.  Use the church bulletin, church newsletter, church website, etc., to inform and educate your church family.  Do a short devotional on a Scripture that values the family (there are more of those than Scriptures that support traditional youth ministry).  Include nuggets of research from the collected Support Statistics.  Also use those mediums to report true testimonies of the good things that happened at a CFBYM event.  Maybe have that influential adult write his/her own report of his/her experiences of mixing with the teens.  

The definition of youth ministry success will have to be changed.  The previous measure may have been numbers or something better like teen faith commitments.  It may have been simply the energy that the youth ministry created in the church.  The new definition of success should become the numbers of lives who will be in Church (not necessarily yours as there are life transitions) ten years from now.  That is an entirely different measurement but one that is more life changing for the teen and for the life of the Church. 

Last month we mentioned in “A Youth Ministry with Staying Power”, another intention may be to arrange a mentor relationship for one of your teens with a specific member of the church family.  It’s not an event but you’ve moved yet another chess piece towards the prize of the faith and formation of that one teen.  By the way, this is a busy role for you.  

Another area of transition will be what you do with your “youth space.”  For many years we’ve all fought to have our sacred space for the teens.  A space we could decorate and create an environment that helps teens feel comfortable and thus more open to faith ideas.  To transition doesn’t necessarily mean you have to give up your space but you certainly will want to open up your space.  Not only by inviting parents and church family members through your doors so often that the door may not be necessary but to also purposely open up the entire church building to be “youth space.”  You and all of the church leadership can strive to create the atmosphere that the teens are comfortable and feel wanted in the worship center, hallways, nursery, kitchen, and maybe (gasp) the church parlor. 

I do not believe these practices are inclusive.  Are there purposed transitional moves you have made that you would like to share here to complete this list?  Submit these to Amanda@wildfrontier.org.  We are actively seeking 150-word submissions for our new interactive digital magazine, YM Shorts.  What you have tried is exactly what we are looking for so please submit so others can find success as they make this transition.

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A Youth Ministry with Staying Power

High schools don’t have staying power anymore.  What I mean more specifically by that declaration is the senior year has become a joke.  Some of the education programs have become a joke.  Just ask the students.  Forty-nine percent of high school seniors want their senior year education to be more meaningful, especially in the area of practical programs and skills that could help them better prepare for college or a job.  Twenty-nine percent say their senior year is a waste of time.  And interestingly, 59 percent say they would work harder if their school offered more demanding and interesting courses.  I have taught seniors when I’m in my role as a substitute teacher.  From my view, very few want more demands once spring hits or even before.  But I may be wrong.  Read more about these numbers at http://www.ypulse.com/teens-think-hig...  

From that “read more,” here are two comments from high school students that stand out to me:  “School does not teach us many practical life-skills.  I do not need to learn trigonometry.  I don’t need to know how to structure an analytical essay on some boring bit of literature.  School is a waste of time.  Property development and multi-level marketing is where the money is.”

And: “I’m in high school, 10th grade, and honestly I have to agree here.  High school is just a mindless barrage of trials to see how low you’ll sink to get an A+.  There is literally nothing I am learning right now that I can or will use in my future life, except maybe algebra.  I want to be a concept artist for a video game company.  I’ve been dedicated to this decision for years now.  But in the last two years of my academic life I have learned exactly nothing that would help me become that.  And it’s precisely because of that I’ll end up working in a McDonald’s for the next 30 years.  Thanks high school.  Seriously, I’ve had to do my own research and teach myself about the gaming industry, and to me that’s all I should be doing right now.  But apparently, doing menial projects week after week about a book that relates in no way to the present day is more important.  Once again, high school, I can’t thank you enough.”

Here’s an educated opinion on this same line of thinking.  Robert Epstein is a renowned psychologist who is raising the question that teenagers or adolescence is obsolete.  Not just the high school education but the life stage of adolescence. This paradigm-thought was birthed in him from observing his sons.  “I just got curious about it because my second son was very mature. I recognized when he was 14 or 15 years old that in some ways he was more mature not just than his older brother, but he was more mature than I was. That made me curious. I began to wonder why my son was getting in trouble for stealing my truck, when in fact he could obviously drive. Why couldn’t he just drive? Why was he stuck in high school where he was doing well when it was obviously a waste of his time? Why couldn’t he start a business at 14 or 15, which he was obviously ready to do?”  From this viewpoint he did his research and is actively raising the question to every audience if adolescence is a myth. (“Teenage Turmoil?  Not So Much, Says Author of Teen 2.0,” U.S. News & World Report, April 2, 2010)

Did you realize that the creator of Chatroulette is a 17-year old teen from Russia?   The creator, Andrey Ternovskiy, says he has been coding since age 11.  His dad taught him.  He’s Russian and I’m not familiar with their education system, but what does our education system have to offer someone like Andrey other than a paper diploma?  The Russian education system didn’t have staying power to offer Andrey because he’s a high school drop out and that paper diploma is not necessary for his bright future.  I have an 8th grader in my youth group who is reading A Brief History of Time by Steven Hawking (physic theories behind quantum mechanics, relativity, etc.) as pleasurable reading.  What does my youth ministry offer someone like that?

Right now the top ten jobs in-demand in 2010 did not exist in 2004.  How does a public school education keep up?  Teachers are currently preparing students for jobs that don’t yet exist which will use technologies which don’t yet exist to solve problems we don’t know are problems yet.  And too often these teachers are teaching with science equipment from the 1990s. 

I have a now-grown-youth who is one of those called-by-God teachers extraordinaire.  She teaches high school seniors—and not those high school seniors who want the more demanding work.  She has the ones who want to pass her English 12 course just to get that diploma.  I asked her these questions and Syn-D Lazo’s response is, “They (her students) have little use for Macbeth and The Canterbury Tales.  It is not good to fill their minds with information that will just take up space where useful ‘career’ information can go.  So, I typically try to go light rather than have them memorize things that will just take up valuable brain space (and let’s be honest, can be Googled later if necessary).  I’ll be honest, the math I learned in high school is only good for figuring out sale prices and making sure I have enough money to pay my bills.” 

High school education is broken.  This matters to youth ministry because we model youth ministry somewhat to the education system.  They enter when they enter middle school and they exit when they graduate high school.  One of the results of this modeling we youth workers are finding and everyone has an opinion on (including us) is that youth ministry does not have staying power.  By the time graduation comes, how active are your seniors in your youth ministry program? 

So here is my Wild Frontier thought for you.  What can we do differently with our mini-adults who are yet minors and are also living in delayed adolescence yet are able to make life-impacting differences?  What do you do with a rebelutionary in traditional youth ministry?

Another thought.  I’ve had this item for so long that I don’t remember where I got this from.  It is from some youth pastor’s blog from about four years ago.  Apologies to the author.  To quote this anonymous thinker, “I think youth ministry must reconsider the fact that it has embraced a power-structure that subjects adolescents to ‘giving their all to Jesus’ with little risk to the youth ministry or the youth pastor.

We monitor their behaviors.

We channel them toward our events.

We use them for our purposes.

We often separate them from family and school relationships.

We shame them into uniformity.

“And we wonder why they don’t stick around after high school. Let’s just say, we can’t blame the senior pastors. We maybe have to look at ourselves.”

Chap Clark also mentions this in Deep Ministry in a Shallow World:  “Church and parachurch youth ministries tend to be far more supportive of adolescents and less agenda-driven than nearly every other system in their young lives.  But we still represent a huge, often faceless organization—the Church.  Kids perceive us as being more committed to getting them to participate in our events and trips than to them as individuals.  In my discussions with thousands of students, many have confirmed that this is one reason for their apparent spiritual lethargy and lack of consistent, free, and passionate growth.  They simply do not trust the adults who run programs.  As much as they may like us, most will hold back at some level because they see us as adults with self-serving agendas.”  (Chap Clark, Deep Ministry in a Shallow World, p. 71)

Teens are a part of a youth ministry with a power-structure that benefits the youth leaders and the other adults in the church family.  Teens are a part of a school system with a power-structure that benefits the teachers.  Those SOL tests are not to test the proficiency of the student but that of the teacher.  Is it no wonder that they check out when they are approaching self-reliancy?

Ponder.  Pray.  Let these Wild Frontier thoughts sink in. 

And don’t let that pondering lead you into a programming panic.  With all of these ideas which are swirling around in your head and maybe in your journal, take a look at your resources in your church family.  You don’t necessarily need to offer something new for this age.  You can direct members of your church family to further the staying power of the church family’s youth ministry.  Whether it is offering a Bible study for just seniors (yes, a program) or finding an internship/mentorship for a certain teen.  By opening the resources of the church family, the Holy Spirit will lead you to some great options to challenge the mini-adults who are minors and live in delayed adolescence yet are able to make life-impacting differences?  And this may give your youth ministry staying power.

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Holy Tension

As part of our Lenten observations this year, each week (including Easter) a teen is teaching an object lesson to the church. These teens are the recipient of years of children’s sermons, particularly at Advent, so I thought I would create a little holy tension in them by proposing they teach the church family in a way they were recipients of when they were younger.

The volunteer the first week was a new member to our group and not the recipient of those children’s sermons. But he volunteered to do the first week, much to my surprise. He experienced lots of holy tension as he set the stage for the following weeks as well as being new to the church family. What would inspire the “new kid” to volunteer for this project at all–and for the first week? I thanked his parents because their impact was obvious. Yet still what drew the “new kid” to this challenge?

For the second week, a longtime teen in our church volunteered. He too was nervous to do this as he’s on the shy side. Still he willingly volunteered. The holy tension only grew in him as his spot in the Sunday morning lineup got bumped as our worship band went in another Holy Spirit-led direction. He waited through song after song after prayer after song for his time to teach. Yet when he finally had his turn, he wowed the church family with his depth of teaching and a personality that few have seen. This was quite a memorable day for Randy, which became more memorable by experiencing the amount of holy tension that he did.

My definition of holy tension is nerves, often created due to a challenge, that create a spiritual marker in a teen’s life as a memory when reliance on God was needed and God showed Himself faithful. Holy tension is found in favorite Bible stories–maybe this is why they are favorite Bible stories. When the friends of the lame man saw that the house Jesus was in was full, their love compelled them to the rooftop as an access to Jesus. They experienced holy tension as they opened up that roof and lowered their friend. When Ananias was told to find Saul, he experienced holy tension. Wasn’t this the same guy who wanted to kill all Christians, thus himself? Yet God had spoken and he had to go, nerves and all. When Peter got out of the boat to walk on water, he had holy tension and then a great memory. For those few moments, he actually walked on water. If he hadn’t moved on that tension, he never would have experienced something so memorable. Randy has had many memories from his 17 years in our church yet his Lent teaching will be one of the stronger ones he retains as he experienced a lot of holy tension that day. And to this I say, amen.

A commonplace for holy tension is on a mission trip. When that teen has been asked to dig a latrine hole and the boys in the group didn’t really attempt but she did and dug out most of it (true story), holy tension was there and this is a strong memory for her. When a teen is asked to lead worship for a youth meeting, holy tension is created. It is when that holy tension is no longer recognized in that worship leader that you have an ego problem with that leader.

Another commonplace for holy tension is at altar calls or times of commitment. If a teen just needs to lift his/her eyes to make a commitment, not a lot of tension is created. But if something more is asked of him/her to make this commitment, holy tension is created–memorable holy tension. The danger here as we’ve all seen too often is when that holy tension changes into manipulation. When you are the one planning, plan the right holy tension for those commitments.

To simplify, here are three reasons why you should provide times of holy tension:
To create an awareness that God is alive and actively working in their lives.
To provide opportunities that shows that God is faithful.
To provide memories which will be spiritual markers.

Truth is holy tension generally happens by either Holy Spirit-led opportunities or when a challenge has been purposely planned. The Holy Spirit-led opportunities are ones I’m continually grateful for. They are also random. For me personally (and maybe you), I have to continually work on my Type-A-personality-driven heart to not miss them. As for planning the challenges, this is something I do purposely plan at my church and something I challenge you to plan. Here are some ideas to help you plan this way:

• Live in your holy tension and let it be known. This is not something just for teens. Recognize the times in your life when you experience holy tension and then share your stories. More importantly, share your current stories. Our personal holy tension stories from our teen years have already made their way into many of our teaching moments. Also share your current stories.

• Ask good questions often—those questions that make you go hmmm. Jesus did this I believe hoping to create that holy tension in his listeners.

• Expound on teachable moments. Those are the Holy Spirit-led opportunities. When you see one, highlight the holy tension.

• Create challenges for your teens to experience holy tension. If possible, personalize these challenges as often as you can.

• Demystify failure. Failure is a part of holy tension–recognize it as so. Failure does produce tension. With some insight and guidance, that tension can turn into holy tension. The danger is to minimize the failure and miss the teachable moment.
John Ortberg, teaching pastor at Menlo Park Presbyterian Church, formerly of Willow Creek, had this to say about the importance of demystifying failure: “Teach that failure is essential to learning. And it’s not the same as competence. I read a study involving a pottery class. They divided students into two groups. One group would get A’s by making one really good pot. The other one would get A’s by making 50 pots, no matter what they looked like. Guess what? The students in the 50-pot group made the best pots! They’d make one and it would be no good. And they’d make another one, get a little better. They’d make another one, get a little better. They just kept learning how to make better pots.
“The one-pot group put all this pressure on themselves over one pot, but they never learned how to make a pot well because they didn’t fail enough.” (Leadership Journal, January 1, 2004) (Side note: How much do your overachieving-and-stressed-out teens need to receive this message?)
Take a moment to remember the memories of what has happened in your last year of youth ministry. Do you see now in hindsight these times of holy tension for individual teens or for your entire group? Do you see times that were Holy Spirit-led and just happened? Also do you see times where you purposely planned holy tension? Holy tension is a great tool in the spiritual formation of teens. Now that it is identified, continue on.

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Teaching to Our Conclusions

The tasks of Faith Shaping is probably the sole reason why I’m still in youth ministry 28 years later. I love seeing the light turn on in the hearts of teens. Teens are in that wonderful (it does have days of wonder) season of life where they are moldable while in the process of making true life decisions. And honestly, I love being an influencer in that. I particularly love moving around the members of my church family to help the teens go through the Faith Shaping Tasks. In doing that I’m doing my job better and I still get to see those lights turned on. And yes, this is really all about me and the joy I have. While I don’t want to lead a Brenda-centered youth ministry with everything centered on me, I do want personal joy from the work that I do. And being a part of shaping the faith of teens does bring me joy.

So from my love of faith shaping, I appreciate this quote. Chuck Bomar, founder of collegeleader.org, in referring to the faith development of teens wrote, “I think the biggest way we push students into foreclosure is that we automatically teach conclusions. As adults, we’ve thought through faith, and we’ve thought through what it is we believe and why we believe it…and then we come to conclusions. Then we come to our kids and we teach them our conclusions, and then we teach them how to apply our conclusions. By doing that we tend to rob students of a healthy faith development process.” (“Riding the Highs and Lows of Teenage Faith Development,” Fuller Youth Institute, November 2008)

What a great reminder. Faith development is a process. And I have role in shaping that faith. But no part of my role should be to teach my conclusions.

When you think about it, teaching our conclusions is a default mode. One default is because it is a much easier way to teach. There is the natural progression of the beginning, the middle, and the end. In that progression, we get the opportunity to share our wisdom which feels like we are being more effective–especially when we can pass on that one wise nugget we are passionate about. However if we are not cleverly careful, we will also teach our conclusions.

Another reason for defaulting to teaching our conclusions is we love our teens. Because of my love for the teens, I’d like to spare them my painful lessons of growth and share the wisdom I’ve learned from those painful lessons of growth. It is much easier to teach, “This is the way of faith that I’ve learned. Now walk as I did and you will have success,” than it is to teach, “God loves you and created you with a purpose. Now walk out your faith and see what God teaches you.” One way is teaching to our conclusions. The other is pushing our teens into a healthy faith development process–one where I may watch them stumble and get hurt. It is hard to watch that. Yet stumbling and learning is just as much a part of Faith Shaping as watching a toddler learn how to walk and seeing him fall down over and over again only to get up and meet his destiny as a walker.

To avoid my personal pain, I could easily fall into the habit of teaching my conclusions and not teaching about the lessons learned on the way to Faith Shaping. But I choose not to. And I have to remind myself to choose not to. It is an easy habit to slip into.

I read somewhere (can’t remember) that there are two kinds of teaching methods. One is to teach in a circle. When teaching in a cirle you don’t know where the lesson is going to end as circles don’t have ends. But the advantage is the depth of discussion. It’s hard to default to teaching conclusions with all this directed discussion. The disadvantage is it can be messy. I don’t need to describe that as we’ve all been in that situation at least once.

The other teaching method is to teach in a line. This is the first, second, and third point messages. The advantage of teaching in a line is breadth of content as we can know what we want to teach and have the means to bring the teens to that point. The disadvantage is the content may be tuned out because the teens aren’t asking the questions that match what you are passionately teaching. They may not be asking questions at all.

Both kinds of teaching are needed in youth ministry and it would be wise to incorporate both kinds in a balanced approach. But what is not needed is teaching our conclusions without including the teens to learn for themselves along the way of faith shaping.

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Challenge: To Get Your Youth to Gain From Sunday Church

You are a great teacher. You are a great Bible teacher http://www.wildfrontier.org/what2talk.... But unfortunately, your senior pastor is not. At least not enough to keep the teens= attention. Between worship songs that are older and unfamiliar and/or your pastor=s style of preaching and/or other reasons which you know, your youth may not get much out of church. Since your role as the youth worker is to bridge the parents to the youth and to bridge the youth to the church family, here are some ways to help your youth engage during Aadult church.@

Don=t call it Aadult church.@ Don=t even intimate that it is Aadult church.@ This service is for the entire church family so be sure that every part of your language and body language communicates that point.Never criticize. Never criticize your pastor in front of the youth or the parents. You two are serving together and should have the entire church family in mind as you serve. Even if some of your youth are caring enough to confront you about why they don=t like Sunday church services, don=t offer up excuses in your pastor=s defense. Give him/her your full support no matter what. Then schedule a meeting with your pastor to discuss your teens= concerns.Creative teaching methods. Ask your pastor to add some creative teaching methods to the sermon. Some pastors may be stuck in their ways (a stereotype that is often not as true as the stereotype) and may not respond to a direct request. But did it hurt to ask? However some pastors, because they do love their teens, may respond openly. If he/she seems open to some creativity, help by providing resources. Give him/her websites, files, books, etc., of ideas he/she can possibly use. If your pastor does add something creative or something to get beyond the speaching-to-a-passive audience method, give him/her proper props. Such good feedback will almost guarantee another try at it.Standing ovation. When your pastor is finished with a particularly clever and/or interactive sermon, as a youth group stand and give him/her a standing ovation at the end of the service. This is something you will have to talk about, create a signal sign for, and practice prior to actually doing it to pull off the surprise effect. However such positive encouragement will certainly encourage your pastor to try such a sermon-type again. And if there would be anyone in the congregation upset about a creative element in the sermon, they couldn=t be upset anymore if the youth gave a standing ovation. Further, can you imagine the response any visitors would have? They would obviously think that if this is a church where teens give standing ovations for the teaching of the Bible, this must be an innovative church worth joining.You use creative teaching methods. Not only during youth group but on those special occasions you get to preach to the church family. Incorporate what you do in your youth group to the church family. As you are preparing for this certain Sunday, you will gain an understanding as to why pastors fall back on the speaching method of teaching so readily. With speaching the outcome of the message is more controlled and more predictable. When you add creative teaching methods, you are adding unknown elements and you may not be able to work the sermon back to your closing challenge which holds the purpose for why you are teaching. Push through the uncertainty and teach creatively. See what sort of feedback you get and subtly spread that feedback back to your pastor.Encourage your youth to e-mail sermon illustrations to your senior pastor. Of course, let the pastor in on this idea. Your youth are already watching stories, viewing YouTube, maybe even writing poems or stories. Encourage them to pass these on to your senior pastor. Give them his/her e-mail and turn them loose. The first time your senior pastor uses one of their ideas, everyone else will get on board so encourage your senior pastor to use one idea as soon as possible. After a time, your senior pastor can put together an e-mail list of resource help for future sermons which your teens can then find specific illustrations for him/her.Personal audio/visual assistant. Some pastors are not as technologically savvy as you so adding such creative teaching elements may be intimidating just because he/she wouldn=t know how to do it. Offer up a youth or two (who are reliable) to serve as Sunday morning audio/visual assistants. Arrange for them to meet with the pastor, hear what he/she wants done and set them loose to arrange it for Sunday morning so your pastor has no worries about this part of the message. After several sermons the pastor and his/her assistants could be a fine-tuned preaching machine. And these privileged youth will have a closer relationship with the pastor which will spill over to the rest of the youth.Senior pastor as regular youth teacher. At least quarterly invite your pastor to teach at a youth meeting. The reasons why are many. The pastor will get to know the youth a bit. The youth will see firsthand that the pastor is behind the youth ministry and does love them. And the youth will get used to his speaking style which will help during church family services.Take notes. Not write notes. This is an obvious idea and often recommended so think of it more this way. Teaching your youth how to take notes and how to make an outline from the sermon (3-point sermons play perfectly into this) will be teaching them a skill they can use in school and which they will definitely need for college.Secret words. Ask your pastor to plant 5 funny or bizarre words into the message and keep those words a secret between the pastor and the teens. Have your pastor give these words to you to pass on to the teens so you can explain the secret. Another twist: ask your teens to give 5 words to the pastor which he/she needs to incorporate into the sermon. Again, this is a secret between the pastor and the teens. While the teens are listening for their secret words, they may also catch another truth or two out of the sermon. And more importantly, they will know that the pastor is interested in them.The next question. Some preachers are preparing fill-in-the-blank sermon outlines which are included in the bulletin to help everyone with the message. This is a good start. I know pastors think they are being so trendy by doing this but, as teens know too well, life is not fill-in-the-blank. As well as filling in the blank, encourage your teens to write down what the next question should be under a fill-in-the-blank point. Maybe it=s a question they can answer for themselves. Or maybe it is a question that he/she doesn=t know the answer for. Encourage each teen to e-mail you their Anext questions@ from the sermon and promise you will e-mail back an answer. Not only will this involve your teen in the sermon, you will get a chance to answer real questions from them.Teach your traditions. Some of the disconnect may be from the younger generation not Agetting@ the traditions of your church. I picked this idea up from the back page article from the Youth Worker Journal (September/October 2007) called AStirring It Up.@ Tom Bergler opined about the adolescence of the church (the one including adults) saying, ASpend some of it trying to get young people excited about the rich heritage and traditions of your church. Don=t be so eager to appeal to students in their language that you forget to teach them the foreign language of the biblical faith.@ Brilliant. Some of us have been so long in our church traditions ourselves that we have simply forgotten that our youth feel disconnected from them. Can you imagine the creative teachings you can come up with to bring the awe and respect back to such traditions?Vocabulary lesson mixed with Balderdash. During a sermon a new word or several new words could be used. Have the teens write down the new word and try to guess at its meaning. This may distract him/her from the sermon a bit but he/she will still be learning. Encourage the teen when he/she gets home to look up the new word and find out what it actually means. Then ask him/her to apply it to his/her regular vocabulary for the week.Learn through art. For your creative types, provide sketch paper and charcoal and ask them to sketch what art comes to mind from the sermon. Keep the supplies in a plastic container so they are always available in the sanctuary (but hide them throughout the week so others won=t play with the supplies). Encourage the teens that their art can be realistic or abstract. Encourage them to let the Holy Spirit use the pastor=s words and their vision to create something. Designate a bulletin board for these pieces of art noting the name of the sermon and the date so that everyone in the church family is blessed by the insight from your talented youth.Set up questions in the bulletin. Make the adults in your church family talk to the youth. This Alittle@ contact with others in church will greatly increase your teens= experience in church. Although you love your teens and know how unscary they are, other adults don=t always see that. They are often intimidated by teens, especially when they sit in packs. Ease this fear or help it to go away completely. One idea is to put in one simple and non-threatening question for the adults to ask the youth weekly in the bulletin. Examples of such questions are: What was something joyful that happened this week? What are you most looking forward to this week in school? These require more than a yes and no answer and they often require a sentence or two. That small start of conversation will grow week to week. I=d say Amoney back guaranteed@ on this one but Pair of Cleats already isn=t costing you money.

In closing, the Lifeway Research study (http://www.lifeway.com/lwc/article_ma...?) on why young adults leave the church has been getting lots of press, blog notice, brainstorming conversations, etc. Lots of great ideas will come from this research. With that background, I would like to close with this quote from yet another Youth Worker Journal (May/June 2007) (disclaimer: I do not work for them!) by Gene C. Roehlkepartain of Search Institute, AAll young people feel that they need more and better relationships with adults. (But) it=s striking how few young people have good, sustained relationships adults with in congregations.@

And I will add this quote from Chap Clark referencing his study of midadolescence and the abandonment that they feel, ALastly, the most effective thing we can do to foster spiritual maturity in our children is to integrate them into adult relationships in the body of Christ. Because midadolescence developed due to our collective neglect and abandonment, we must undo its effects by bringing adults and kids together. Young people should be allowed and encouraged to participate in adult Sunday school and Bible study classes, go on men=s and women=s retreats, and serve on ministry and service teams with adults. The more your child feels that they are part of something bigger than themselves and that they are included in not only a family but the family of God, the more they will allow themselves to be drawn into a level of faith that will strengthen and lead them for the rest of their lives.@ (Center for Youth and Family Ministry http://www.cyfm.net/article.php?artic...)

The Lifeway Research study is highlighting that there are things the Church can do to stop young adults from leaving. All of these fifteen ideas are attempts to do just that.

Your Wild Frontier challenge is to create a youth ministry program that is more than a youth ministry. What needs to be added, dropped, or changed so that your youth can come near and direct with the entire church family? Can your Sunday mornings (which is the largest church family time) change so that your youth are sitting at the Abig table@ and not at the Achildren=s table?@ Have a sit down with your pastor and see what the two of you can come up with. (Remember: Any other ideas you come up with we beg you to submit at our sister site, www.FamilyBasedYouthMinistry.org under Church Family Ideas.)

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Some Insight Into Community Experiences

A lot of effort gets expended to develop youth group community. The theory is good which is why effort is expended. When individuals of different ages, different schools, different backgrounds gather together to learn about the same God in the same youth group, community makes that experience go so much further. We all have memories of such experiences in our own Christian faith walk, whether it was on a retreat or a Chrysalis weekend or a small group Bible study or an extended season in a youth group.

There are two universal truths about community experiences: they come whether planned or unplanned and they come to an end no matter what you plan.

As we ponder community, start by asking yourself a few questions. Which friends from high school do you still have now? If you were a part of a youth group, which friends do you still have from that youth group now? Do you cringe a bit when you think of your own behavior from those days? Have you ever made a comment that you are nothing like who you were in high school (often ending with a “Praise God”)?

Like a lot of decisions from high school, these relationships often don’t continue into adulthood. But also like a lot of things that have formed the foundation of your life, these relationships did form you.

Some of you may have some friends from those days. Some of my youth from a youth ministry in the mid 1980s are still close friends even though some of them completely deny their faith today. I recently attended a wedding for two grown youth from my current church. Grown youth gathered from seemingly all 50 states for this wedding to honor Stephanie and Brian who spent ten years, including youth group years, to get together.

Both of these youth groups mentioned experienced emotional and powerful seasons of youth ministry. There were memorable Holy Spirit initiated times which could not be duplicated. I can say this as truth because I was involved. The community was planned but community took on a much greater form than planned. This sort of community also came to an end.

Too often though, high school friendships are more like what Jessica Alba experienced when she was a teen. As quoted by Jessica, “There was a time when it (fitting in) was hard, and I tried to fit in. And my parents would talk me through it when I came home crying. My grandfather and my dad would always say, ‘In five years you will not care about these people.’ And then I thought about it. I thought, you’re right in five years none of these people are going to matter. And I was like, why am I trying to impress all these people when they’re not going to have any impact on who I am as a person unless I want them to?” (Seventeen, August 2005)

Some of Alba’s fitting in times came while attending a church youth group where she ended up not fitting in and eventually left. Truth is, her grandfather’s and father’s advice is right. In five years most high school friends won’t matter unless they make that teen into a person he/she didn’t want to be and he/she has to live with the fruit of those decisions. This includes youth group friends.

You know this is the truth.

I fear what we offer best (or should offer) at youth group is often sacrificed or passed over for community. Effective Bible teaching often takes a backseat to building community. I understand why. Those moments of community are fun and often memorable. They sit so well in the soul. However we are not the Boys & Girls Club or a community center. We are a church with the expectation of offering something about God. We should be teaching Biblical truths in ways that teens can understand. Community is that wonderful bonus.

Murray Brown, in an article for Youthworker Journal (July/August 2005), wrote about why youth don’t want youth group community. Please allow me to summarize his points.

 “Most already have their own communities.” And for many that is not the youth group. This doesn’t make the youth group unimportant. It may be the only place they receive Bible teaching that they understand and relate to. However, another community may better serve their social needs.

 “Youth lack the motivation to develop relationships beyond their own tribe.” If their community of choice or tribe fulfills their needs of acceptance, safety, and friendship, they don’t feel the need to make more real relationships with another community. That doesn’t mean they dislike the people in youth group (if that is not their tribe). It’s just that they are satisfied with what they have.

 “Youth lead busy lifestyles.” Another reason to not extend themselves into other lives outside of their tribe. Some are already overly stressed.

 “Youth lack the skills to communicate adequately to those beyond their normal sphere of life.” We always need to remember that our teens are minors. They are protected by laws because they are not yet capable of processing decisions, emotions, and morals of adult things. As we grow in adulthood, we have developed skills to welcome those outside our sphere. Our teens haven’t yet.

I’d like to add a few more:

 Today’s youth are also finding community online. They have friends they consider to be true friends online. They have two way conversations on a regular basis with people they may or not have met. In youth group we often have linear conversations beginning and ending with the youth leader.

 Also due to the anonymity of the internet, community is easier because there is not a face attached. True feelings and opinions can be shared because there is not the face to face contact.

 Youth groups are often run in a different circle from their school. Youth group adds another community we want them to be a part of. Some youth choose youth group as their favorite community of choice and thrive no matter what you plan. Some won’t thrive no matter what you plan. Dr. Christian Smith found in his study, The National Study of Youth and Religion, “If teenagers have socially significant relationships that cross at church, that cross with other families of believers, then that helps out a lot (having a growing faith). But many teenagers have their socially significant relationships almost exclusively through school; even if they have friends at church, the youth group is a satellite out there on the fringe of their life, rather than at the center.” (Ethics and Public Policy Center, February 15, 2005)

 Community memories are Holy Spirit happenings. You plan. Sometimes things click. Sometimes you’ve got 15 long dead minutes. Sometimes you have seasons of youth group community. These are memorable. When looking back with that hindsight knowledge, you know that you planned but what happened was truly a Holy Spirit happening.

 Community memories most often do not come from entertainment, attractive and flashy youth programs and/or youth rooms. Group Magazine ran a survey (The Cool Survey) and found that only 21 percent of youth group kids said that “a fast paced, high tech, entertaining ministry approach” was why they came to youth group. “A welcoming atmosphere where you can be yourself” was chosen by 73 percent. Too many youth workers spend too much time creating that “experience” which I believe is not all that important to teens. And it certainly doesn’t create community. It creates spectators.

 Community is a season. A Chrysalis weekend always creates community. But you can’t “set up tents” in that community forever. And as with the seasons of living on Planet Earth, every season is needed. Even the winter times.

So what do you do with all this insight? Personally I do strive for community in the youth group at my church. But I won’t compromise the Bible teaching to do that. In the busy suburban living area of Washington DC I often don’t have the luxury to build the youth group community but I never plan it out and I rely more on the Holy Spirit to surprise us with some times of community. Who knows, one of them may grow into a long season.

Hopefully this Pair of Cleats has stirred some new and realistic thoughts into your head to help build the right youth group community for your youth group.

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A Culture of Noise–Or Not

You know we are a culture of noise when you try to enforce the rule on your weekend retreat of no outside music.  Teens always balk at it.  You have to continually confiscate all sorts of electronic devices that earphone music into their heads.  These days you even have to look for the jackets and sunglasses that have electronic noise makers wired in.

Then there is the issue of cell phones.  Do you ban them at group meetings?  Do you accept them with rules?  Round and round you can go with that issue.

Oh the quagmire technology has brought us!

The following are some quotes.  Some are from current young authors who are clearly not coming from a Biblical worldview.  Some are from ancients.  See if you can find the common denominator. 

Author Marty Beckerman of crass cultural insight books, Death to All Cheerleaders: One Adolescent Journalist=s Cheerful Diatribe to Teenage Plasticity and Generation S.L.U.T.: A Brutal Feel-Up Session with Today=s Sex-Crazed Adolescent Populace, was quoted in a magazine interview:  AWe have a sense of lukewarm contentment.  All of our pleasure zones are plugged into a central electric buzz that kind of keeps us pacified but doesn=t really fulfill the soul.@ (The Age, August 10, 2004)

You may be familiar with this one:  ABe still and know that I am God.@  (Psalm 46:10) Or this one:  ABe at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.@  (Psalm 116:7)

Koren Zailckas wrote a book about her teenage drunken years called Smashed.  She wrote the following about a birthday party she attended when she was 14‑years old, which was also the first time she drank alcohol:  “The party is in a basement.  We’re made to hide behind the sofa and yell ‘Surprise.’ There is a cake, and a horror movie in the VCR.  The birthday girl’s mother periodically comes downstairs with more Pepsi or plastic forks, but for the most part, she simply leaves us alone.  It’s summer, after all.  We have a ping‑pong table, Sega Genesis, Slip ‘n’ Slides, a basketball hoop, MTV, a giant trampoline, and the pleasure of each other’s company.  If only she knew:  It takes so little to entertain us.”

AThen, because so many people were coming and going that they did not even have a chance to eat, He said to them, >Come with Me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.@  (Mark 6:31) AAfter He had dismissed them, He went up into the hills by Himself to pray.  When evening came, He was there alone.@  (Matthew 14:23)

From the conclusion of AGeneration M: Media in the Lives of 8-18 Year Olds,@ an extensive study on the amount of media absorbed by this age group:  AIt is difficult to conceive of when (or how) today=s young people might avoid media and media=s messages, even if they wanted to limit their media exposure. …Without question, this generation truly is the media generation, devoting more than a quarter of each day to media.  As media devices becoming increasingly portable, and as they spread even further through young people=s environments–from their schools, to their cars, to their pockets–media messages will become an even more ubiquitous presence in an already media-saturated world.  Anything that takes up this much space in young people=s lives deserves our full attention.@  (Kaiser Family Foundation)

AThe Lord said, >Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.=  Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.A (1 Kings 19:11-12)

From 14-year old Bronte as interviewed for a Time cover story, “My parents always tell me I can’t do homework while listening to music, but they don’t understand that it helps me concentrate.@  (Time, March 27, 2006) 

Also as quoted from thousands of teens to me over the years, AI have to have my music on when I fall asleep otherwise I can never fall asleep.@

AI will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.=  (Psalm 4:8) AOn my bed I remember You; I think of You through the watches of the night.@  (Psalm 63:6)

We are a culture of noise.  Noise is also a part of current youth ministry.  For more welcoming youth room dynamics, background music blares.  Maybe even video screens.  We start a meeting with a shout to God or a loud Aup@ worship song.  Some teen worship bands think that if they are not crunching loud then they are not leading in worship.  Some members of your church have probably complained that the youth group is too noisy.  Some high-tech youth groups have Aa ping‑pong table, Sega Genesis, Slip ‘n’ Slides, a basketball hoop, MTV, a giant trampoline, and the pleasure of each other’s company.@ 

Here=s a thought.  Maybe our teens are saying, AIt takes so little to entertain us.@

If you have been convicted of contributing to this noise culture or if you are at least interested in mixing this up, the following are ideas you can borrow to schedule in silence:

C          Verbally encourage your youth to turn off their televisions, music, whatever, which is on when they are trying to go to sleep at night.  Encourage them to spend that time praying.  Even if they fall asleep while praying, their minds will have been quieted.  And the youth lose the excuse that they can=t sleep unless music or whatever is on. 

C          For a meeting or two, turn off the background music/video etc., that you normally turn on as a way to make the room more inviting.  Watch for the reactions of the youth.  Do they miss it?  Why do they miss it?

C          During a youth meeting, set aside 20 minutes for silence.  Prep the 20 minutes with the verses from this article or others, set the clock, and see what happens.  Some may giggle.  Some may whisper.  Some may doze.  Some may appreciate this more than they know.  Some may hear personally from God, maybe for the first time.

C          At a retreat, schedule in 2 hours of complete silence.  Allow the youth to spread themselves out to their own alone spot and to take only their Bible with them.  Some may giggle.  Some may whisper.  Some may doze.  Some may appreciate this more than they know.  Some may hear personally from God, maybe for the first time.

C          Have an Annual Boredomfest.  Put away with all the big stuff you normally provide.  Allow the youth to only bring their Bibles.  Then see what happens.  Follow the Holy Spirit. See what types of memories are formed out of boredom.

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The Bummer Realities of a Brenda‑Centered Youth Ministry

There was a time in my life when I thought pretty highly of my Brenda based youth ministry. I felt alive. I felt like I was making a dent in this world. I felt true joy when some teens “got it.” But I also felt tired, overwhelmed, stressed, etc.

Something had to change.

Something did change. But first have you ever felt or thought (maybe even voiced) these thoughts?

 I pour myself (often sacrificing my personal time) into that one special youth. That one youth who I know will be the lead youth, that strong youth. That one youth who will actually make a difference among his friends. I pour myself into that one youth only to have this last for two years because once he gets his driver’s license and a job to support the car he no longer has the time for youth group responsibilities. And I’m left missing our relationship.

 Even though I have millions of things going on, I am expected to remember a teen’s birthday or if a teen had a band concert even though I wasn’t asked to attend. It should be easy for me to keep track of 40 teen birthdays and the schedules of 9 different schools.

 I try so hard to be hip and relevant so I can try to understand teens’ lives. Yet if I mention that I still prefer listening to DeGarmo & Key, I’m the loser. And no, I don’t want to spend my few bucks to see “Final Destiny 3” so I can be relevant.

 I am supposed to be friends with only people ages 11 to 18. Anybody older would betray these friendships or so I find out from reading a MySpace entry. Besides I already don’t have enough after school pizza times to meet with the youth who do want to talk to me.

 Very few people are concerned that I don’t have good relationships with people my own age.

 I’m always trying to schedule more one on one times with individual youth because I see that their faith walk needs that individual attention. But I can never seem to find the time to get to all of these individuals. That frustrates me to no end because I know I can do more.

 If I could schedule every moment I have out of the office, I can maybe get to all those pizza times but I have to be in the office for a certain amount of hours. I have to update the webpage, schedule the worship practice, edit the video, and arrange travel arrangements (total ugh!) for the next road trip. Or I have to work my regular job and still do all these other items.

 I know that if I could just get a hold of this one youth, I can talk him out of making some big mistakes. But he’s not returning my phone calls or e mails. I need to spend even more time im prayer.

 If I want to do something because I want to be with my family or I just want to rest or do something with people my own age, I am selfish with my time.

 I am supposed to look over every silly teenage thing a teen does even if the behavior is not socially acceptable. Or it makes the church look bad. If I correct you, I’m not cool. And I have to listen to the incessant whining of why I corrected you.

 I listen to teens and hear what they are going through. I hear all sorts of warning signs which I know from my experience are not good and will probably lead to bigger problems. But I am not allowed to share those concerns with any parent because I’m their friend.

 Nor will they listen to me when I tell them from my aged experience what these behaviors may lead to. I’m their friend, but I still don’t know what it is like to be them.

 Since I am their friend, I am not supposed to be surprised when she cancels on youth group to spend time with another friend.

 There is always that one teen who demands all of my time. Even though there are 30 other teens, I am expected to spend countless hours with just her. And I already do spend a lot of hours with her. She has been with me when I buy groceries so often that she can pick out what food I like. But that is still not enough.

 My life is an open book to my teens. They have met my parents, heard all of my adolescent stories which I have honed to become great lessons, and some have spent time in my home. But if I ask a teen why his grades are slipping, I am trying to know too much.

 If I have a bad day, I never hear the end of it. But if a teen has a bad day, I’m not supposed to notice.

 A teen can talk bad about me, write things about me on MySpace, glare at me, gossip about me, and tell her friends that I am intrusive, but my feelings aren’t supposed to get hurt.

 When IMing a teen, it’s okay if she IMs ten other people while she’s talking to me but if I don’t respond back quick enough to her smiley face, I don’t care about her.

 When a teen has a crush on someone and suddenly his behavior is goofy and hurting the group dynamics, I am not supposed to notice.

 I remind teens of the concert by e mail, announcement, postcard, and phone call but many teens will still forget.

 In scheduling that special retreat, I bend over backwards to make the schedule work for the most teens. But as soon as she has something better to do, she is not coming anyway.

 In scheduling that special retreat, I bend over backwards to make the retreat special. But if so and so isn’t going, she isn’t going to go either. No matter what I have planned, hyped and encouraged.

 I spend hours and hours making every part of the youth retreat special. I designed special retreat books. I put together what should be some powerful skits. I came up with one non music form of worship as well as put together a music worship team which will travel. And I gathered all of the props for every game. Yet I still will have ten youth who have paid but did not show because something more important came up.

 When a teen graduates, even though I had spent tons of time with him, he doesn’t say thanks, doesn’t call or doesn’t even send an e mail letting me know how college is going.

 Then a year later I hear that this teen has now joined a fraternity and is doing things I taught him not to do. But my schedule is too busy scheduling in those pizza times to even write him a letter.

There is no standard youth ministry model which works across the board. Church situations vary. Leadership personalities vary. What I do at my church will probably not work as a whole at your church. But I do know that ABrenda based youth ministry@ is not the way youth ministry should be done. For me or for you.

When my church asked me to step in as overseer of the youth ministry, I didn’t want to do it because of these very complaints. I was already emotionally spread thin with my work with God’s Family. Nor did I desire to be a part of what I hear youth workers complain about again. According to Wild Frontier thinking, there had to be a better way. So the pastors and I prayed about what to do and we stumbled onto how we do family based youth ministry. I have learned much from that stumbling point on.

Bringing parents into the youth ministry doubled our group size. But that is not why we do it.

When I scheduled the youth group to prepare a meal for the homeless shelter, I didn’t get the expected hesitation of too many minors in the industrial kitchen without the appropriate number of adults. I got a chipper relief in her voice when I told her we do youth group with our parents required to be involved. But that is not why we do it.

We do it because we realize that teens take their spiritual cues from their parents. Even if they don’t have spiritual parents but spiritual longings, these teens attach themselves to other parents who do. Sometimes even fondly calling them “mom” or “dad.” So in all reality, a teen=s faith will only grow as far as the parents’ faith. So why not challenge the parents alongside the teens?

I can tell you why not. This model does present a whole new set of problems one could complain about. A parent could have soccer as a higher priority than youth group. A parent could have a very immature faith that has been stuck for fifteen years. A parent could still expect me to do the spiritual training of their child despite me telling her for three years that it is her responsibility. I remind parents of the concert by e mail, announcement, postcard, and phone call but many parents will still forget.

But this I know. The parent is who God ordained to be responsible for their child’s faith. I am called to be that church resource to help them. I do this because I love teens.

Mark Riddle wrote in his blog http://www.theriddlegroup.com/blog/ar..., AThe gospel exists within community, not simply the family. Ministry to teens has never simply been about two people (parents) in the lives of a child. It is far more than this. Churches who take parenting seriously but who do not take community seriously are only shoveling the hot coals of guilt upon the heads of parents and then setting them up to fail. There is no healthy parenting outside of community.”

This is true. It takes both family and church family–to grow a child=s/teen=s faith and I’m in the position to help both do their roles.

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