Avianna Lemonier's Blog, page 3

Reminder: abusers stalk and harass to remain in control. It’s not because they miss you or need you in their life so much that they just have to be in contact with you somehow – it’s because they are grasping for any form of control they can find.

“Is That Right?”

When I was in middle school, I spent a lot of time with a group of people who had one person as their ringleader. This person was a huge bully but, for whatever reason, everyone acted like she wasn’t. If she made you her target, everyone would turn against you without question and you’d be subjected to horrible bullying. 

In one instance of this, she began targeting another girl in the group for seemingly no reason and began a vicious campaign against her. At one point during all this, I was sitting in one of my classes with another person in the group making hopeful plans for all of us to go see some movie that was out or something (knowing good and well my mama never let me out the house – and I’m glad now that she didn’t!). As I excitedly listed all the people that could come with us on this outing, I absentmindedly mentioned this person in the group who had been ousted. However, I quickly realized my error and corrected myself, noting that she wouldn’t be able to come with us on our outing and hinting at the fact that everyone was (at the direction of the group’s ringleader) mad at her.

It took a minute for the person I was talking to realize (or maybe remember) what I was hinting at – I don’t know why I was hinting instead of just outrightly talking about what was going on. It was likely due to fear – I was extremely afraid of the ringleader. But a moment after she did, she stopped and looked at me and said, “But is that right?” questioning whether it was okay for the girl who had been ousted to be treated as she was being treated.

I was so shocked to hear someone actually question the ringleader’s behavior (and scared because I was worried someone else might hear) that I stared at this person dumbfounded for a really long time. So long that she eventually took my shocked expression as a sign that she had said the wrong thing so she changed the subject. No matter how I tried to get her to return to the previous topic of conversation, she wouldn’t. 

But that moment has always stayed with me – the fact that this person bravely questioned what was wrongly happening in that group. I wish I had been that way and I want to be that way.

When I was very young (I came to faith in Christ as a child), God personally convicted me to wait on Him for my future spouse

Unfortunately, I have not always been obedient to Him in this which has led to nothing but hurt, regret, anger, frustration and so much more. My disobedience led to my being in situations that I didn’t need to be in, never had to be in or even know anything about. But God is kind and loving and merciful. He restores and reverses and rectifies. I am so grateful for His convicting me to allow Him to choose my spouse even as a child. I am so grateful for how He is preparing me and my future spouse for one another. There is nothing better than what He has for me. It will be so worth the wait and it always has been.

When a man walks ahead of you in public

Just saw a post on social media where someone pointed out what a red flag it is (most of the time) when a man constantly walks ahead of a woman when they’re out together in public and, honestly, YES!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll never forget the day it occurred to me that all the men in my life who have genuinely cared about me – and I’m including friends and family members as well – always walked beside me when we were out together in public. But those who did not have good intentions toward me always walked way ahead of me leaving me trailing behind them.

Among other red flags that were usually present in the latter scenarios, that action of that person leaving me trailing behind them just oozed with disrespect – I could literally feel the contempt in it. I think this all could also apply to a woman walking way ahead of a man as well.

While I’m here, some other red flags that stood out to me:

Making a big deal about being chivalrous (key phrase: big deal – chivalry is cute when it’s not suspicious ). For example, making a big deal about opening car doors for me or opening doors for me in general to the point of getting “offended” if I do those things for myself. I’ve been in situations with guys who would make me sit in the car and wait for them to come open the door for me because opening doors for myself was “not allowed”.  Me waiting in the car in literal agony because when I’m ready to get out of the car, I’m ready to get out of the car CHARLES

While this might sound ~ so luxurious ~ this show of being super chivalrous usually paralleled other not-so-chivalrous, abusive behavior at the same time.

I’m pretty sure I had another one but I can’t remember it anymore. It’s gone now. Goodnight.

Religious Abuse | Reflecting on My Sole Experience Attending a Charismatic Institution

In 2018, I briefly attended a charismatic institution (I refuse to call these places churches because that’s just not what they are – they are usually better referred to as cults). I’m pretty sure that was the only experience I’ve ever had regularly attending one. It was a terrible experience that continues to negatively impact my life to this day as I have been subjected to stalking and harassment by individuals connected to this place since I left it. But I’m glad that it was what it was because it sowed seeds of exposure and was used by God to turn me away from charismatic teachings.

Random thoughts about my time in that place in no particular order (warning: I wrote a lot and could have written even more and please excuse any grammatical errors) – I want to note that this was a highly narcissistic environment and that played a heavy role in the things I experienced:

I blindly trusted so much of what was being told to me by individuals in this institution because I trusted them as “prophets” or “messengers of God” – which they are not. This was used against me in a MULTITUDE of ways.At one point, as, unbeknownst to me, the person who had invited me to this institution was beginning the larger scale of a smear campaign they had launched against me, they said to me, with (in hindsight) fake tears in their eyes and what was more than likely a smirk on their face, in summary, “Satan is going to try to tear us apart but we can’t let him”. I then tearfully hugged them reassuring them that this would not happen completely unaware of what was going on behind the scenes.My mother saved my life by demanding to come with me the night that I was supposed to be “baptized” (I’m using quotations because, again, this was not really a church and it has no real connections to Christian faith, it only pretends to) by individuals in this institution. I had not wanted her to come to the “baptism” due to her being very unhappy with my being involved with this place and constantly raising concerns about it and the people running it. Prior to this, there had also been a tense interaction between her and one of the leaders of this institution which I had wrongly blamed her for. I just did not think it would be a good idea for her to come with me. However, I eventually agreed that she could come after she continued to press the matter. I learned later that there was something being planned that night by the person who had invited me to this institution that was meant to put me in danger. If my mom had not been adamant about going with me that night, I might not be alive today. That night, God allowed a number of things to happen (including allowing other things that were being planned against me to backfire) that resulted in my severing all ties with this place – thank You Lord.I met the person who invited me to this place in college. While I will never know how much they used that environment to lure people into this institution, it is widely known that cults love to target college students for a number of reasons including how vulnerable they often are. I was definitely in an extremely vulnerable place in my life during the time that I attended this institution.I believe there were people involved in this institution who were truly Christians. I pray that they have (or will) come out of that deception.When I made the mistake of telling the person who had invited me to this place that I was considering stepping back from it, the abuse I experienced there got worse. Many people who have escaped cults say the same thing when they talk about their experience: never tell anyone that you are thinking about leaving. And they are right. After this conversation was had in private, I was subsequently called up in front of the “congregation” and, among other things, labelled with having a “spirit of rebellion”. I’ve since learned that when you begin to (rightly) question things in environments like this, you are usually labelled with having that “spirit”. At the time, it didn’t even occur to me that my telling someone that I was considering leaving and my being called up in front of everyone the way that I was were related. I just genuinely believed that these people were acting as God “led them” and only trying to help me even though there were so many signs that the opposite was true.Some people have pointed out the racism that is often embedded in charismatic teachings about generational curses and I believe that that’s a valid concern. I was subjected to both covert and overt racism in this environment.They tried to marry me off to someone which is apparently a thing that charismatic institutions often do. Any resistance I (or others) had to this and any concerns that were brought up were not taken well.There was a language barrier present in this environment and this was often used against me.Beneath the self-righteous attitudes and emphases on appearances (i.e., women wearing pants being frowned upon and similar practices), there were secret lives and heinous, rampant, unrepentant sin. The same people involved in this rampant, unrepentant sin were constantly shoving my own failings (along with imaginary ones), which I was very open about, actively turning away from and deeply repentant over, back in my face and using them against me. They continue to do this to this day.This was an institution with a male “pastor” and a female “co-pastor” (again, using quotations because this place is not a real church). They were husband and wife. Not only is this unbiblical as women are not called to be pastors (I say this as someone who for YEARS was deceived into thinking that I was called to be a pastor) but, in addition to the wife being an abusive figure in this institution, it was known and obvious that she was the person who was actually running it and dominant over everything – not her husband.In being involved with the charismatic movement, just as with being involved with things like witchcraft and the new age, one is dangerously opening their life up to Satan and demonic forces. The charismatic movement and the new age/witchcraft are the same exact thing just painted in different colors.Things like “prophecy”, “receiving messages from God” and “casting demons out of people” were used as opportunities to abuse.The charismatic movement’s emphasis on emotion makes it very easy for predators to gain an audience because all you have to do is know how to work yourself and the crowd up into a frenzy in a certain way and you will automatically be deemed a gifted speaker, a “godly” person and a “messenger of the Lord”. I can remember, at least once, watching someone go from saying horrible things in private to, in literally the next second, standing up and shouting what was really nothing more than a flurry of basic charismatic sayings to an enthusiastic reception.The one and only time I was “slain in the spirit”, I was not. First of all, I was pushed. Second of all, I was very emotional and overwhelmed at the time (partially due to the abuse I had endured from this institution). So when a “prophet” (who was a man twice my strength and stature) stopped to “prophesy” over me, after being terribly mistreated by the people in this institution I was involved with, I was filled with emotion at the thought that I was not being ignored or passed over but that, instead, (in my deceived mind) God had a “word” for me too just like everyone else and so I began to cry. When he pushed me backward toward two women waiting behind me to catch me, I hollered (again, due to nothing but my emotions) and allowed myself to fall, be caught and then be placed on the ground. Then, I just laid there crying for a couple of minutes until I was done. To this day, I still have no idea what this “prophet” even said to me before he pushed me backward and no one would tell me (this relates to the language barrier that was present; while I understand the language that he was speaking, my understanding of it comes and goes).I sincerely wish I had never gone anywhere near this place and if I had known what I now know about the charismatic movement, I never would have. But, again, I am glad that I did have this experience as it helped expose the truth about these false teachings to me.After everything that has happened, I seriously doubt that the person who invited me to this institution and others who were running it are actually Christians.Most, if not all, of the music sung at this institution was by institutions like Bethel and Hillsong. This surprised me because even though I was actively embracing charismatic/NAR beliefs and had been for most of my life, I had heard about the many concerns that were being raised, at that point, about Bethel and Hillsong and knew enough to be cautious of them. Considering how piously this institution I was attending presented themselves, this preference in music was odd to me. I just kept thinking to myself, “Do they not know how dangerous Bethel and Hillsong are?”.

Edited 6/27/25 to add this point:

During the time that I attended this institution, the person who invited me to it chronically attempted to drive me into various crises of faith. They made it their personal business to constantly try to shipwreck my faith and this behavior continues to this day.

Edit 10/4/25:

Lately, it has occurred to me that, considering how deeply the person who invited me to this institution disliked me (arguably from the moment that they met me), it’s strange that they were constantly inviting me to it. I feel like they were trying to lure me there to have more access to me to harm me.

The Pressure To Be In A Relationship

One day, when I was in high school, I was having a conversation with someone when they suddenly asked me if I had a crush on anyone. I thought about it for a moment and, to my own surprise, I realized that I didn’t. I actually had no desire in that moment to even think about boys. Between being busy with school, things that were going on in my personal life and whatever else was on my mind, boys were just not a priority – or even a thought.

When I told this person that I didn’t have a crush on anyone, they looked at me like I had fifteen heads. Whatever the reason for this look, it made me feel incredibly self-conscious. So from that moment on, I made it my business to always have a crush on someone – even when I didn’t. This led to disastrous (and ridiculous) results .

In the early years of my adulthood, I pressured someone into what I now don’t even consider to have been a serious relationship just because everyone else seemed to have someone and I didn’t want to be left out. Now, in the present, so far away mentally, spiritually and even physically from those two phases of my life, I no longer feel (and will not tolerate being) pressured into thinking that I have to be in a relationship for any reason if that is not where God has placed me.

People – particularly in the body of Christ – need to leave more room for the fact that, for many people, being single isn’t a problem or a devastating state to be in. In fact, some people are called by God to singleness.

I’m waiting for God to bring the person that He has for me into my life and until then, I’m very content with being single – and there’s nothing wrong with that ! Especially in this day and age, the last thing anyone should be doing is pressuring anyone to be in a relationship just because. It’s just not worth it and it never ends well.

After spending too many years hating the way GOD made me, those moments of deep love and appreciation for the way HE designed me are absolutely everything!!!

Easy Chickpea “Chicken” Nuggets!

Pulse about two cups of drained and rinsed chickpeas (mine were canned) in a food processor until well mixed but still textured. Transfer to a bowl, add 1 egg and preferred seasonings and combine.

Take portions of the mixture that are about a tablespoon in size each and form little nuggets. Then coat each nugget in seasoned gluten free oat flour (season to taste).

Fry each batch of nuggets until golden brown (or the color in the picture).

Oat Flour is Insanely Easy to Make!

Last year, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s thyroiditis and my doctor advised me to limit/decrease my intake of gluten, soy and dairy as these things are often triggers for people who have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I listened to him and, as a result, the past year has turned into an interesting (and very positive, might I add) journey in terms of my relationship with food!

I’ve been sharing some of my meals and recipes on various social media platforms but just realized today that I could also be sharing them on this blog! So we’ll start with oat flour:

On March 13, 2025, I learned that making oat flour is literally as easy as just throwing oats into a blender! That’s it. That’s literally all you have to do – throw some oats into a blender.

You should also remember to start the blender too. That’s important.

Ta-da!

The problem of racism and discrimination in Miami

The problem of racism and discrimination in Miami is so distinct and unlike anything anywhere else. As big of an issue as it is, it’s something that should be more widely discussed at this point and I feel like it’s not.