Avianna Lemonier's Blog, page 2

Teaching Racism

I think one of the saddest things about the racism I experienced in school is that the people who perpetrated it were taught it by their parents who were taught to be racist by their own parents and so the cycle went on.

And the cycle continues.

It would be one thing if the racism that was directed toward me was isolated to my younger years but (and I am willing to give room to the fact that there may be some people who targeted me because of the color of my skin in school who are now changed and different), in adulthood, I learned through a series of unfortunate events that many of the people who targeted me with racism in school still embrace racist views today – and the current political climate has likely emboldened those views.

And the same racism that I endured is being taught to younger generations as well.

I pray that this cycle of racism and prejudice will be stopped in the community that I experienced it from. Racism is a terrible legacy to leave to your children.

No Contact

Please stop shaming people for going no contact. Most of us would never have chosen to cut off contact with the people that we did unless it was crucial to our safety and well-being to do so. And it needs to be understood, since some like to argue that cutting off contact with someone is an extreme and dramatic step, that when you are dealing with a narcissistic person, your physical safety is always at risk even if they have yet to put their hands on you.

True narcissists display an insane (demonic) level of rage at a victim removing themselves from the abusive environment and once you step away from them, no matter how slowly or quietly you do it, they will stop at nothing to destroy you. Physical harm is always a looming threat.

And the reality is that there are certain relationships that God simply does not want in our lives. Period. If I were still in contact with the people that I have now separated myself from, I would be in direct opposition to God’s plans for my life and foolishly be ignoring the warning signs (some of which were actually neon lights!!) that He sent for me to get out of those relationships and the paths he cleared for me to be able to. My walk with Christ would not be where it is now – I actually might not even be a Christian since many of those relationships were actively trying to pull me away from God.

If an abuse survivor is telling you that they have cut off contact with someone, trust that decision. They likely know things you don’t. They likely have witnessed things that you have not. Forgiveness does not always equal reconciliation.

Something that has been so encouraging for me, shifting my perspective in the process of healing from abuse…

Is meeting new people and forming new relationships. Getting out of that bubble that the abuse has created. No human being is perfect but healthy friendships, family relationships, work relationships, romantic relationships, etc. do exist.

My prayer is that every survivor of abuse can experience finding out that there are people in the world who are not like those who abused us. There are people in the world who are kind, loving and uplifting. This is a broken, fallen world but it is possible to find people who will truly care for you.

Narcissistic Family Structures | Adults Competing With Children & The “Crazy” Relative Narrative

Growing up, I had a relative (who was at least twice my age) who, in addition to being abusive in other ways, was constantly competing with me at everything I did. They were not the only relative I experienced jealousy and competitive behavior from but theirs was the most chronic. I can’t begin to describe the confusion, trauma and discomfort that I experienced being a child but having a full grown adult constantly trailing behind my every move attempting to prove their superiority over me – sometimes even in situations where doing so made them look ridiculous because they were competing with me at things that conflicted with their age.

Although I am now aware of certain factors that influenced their behavior toward me that I was not aware of previously, their behavior was still inexcusable. Whole parts of my life – significant moments in it – were snatched away from me because of this person’s jealousy. As much as I can remember (and there is always a possibility that I might be remembering wrong), no one in the family unit ever reprimanded them for their behavior toward myself or anyone else – I was not the only person who was targeted by them. Excuses were just made including one instance where, at the beginning stages of my going no contact with this particular side of the family, I was told that behavior like that of this relative that I’m writing about is “normal” for certain older relatives in a family unit. That sentiment is what inspired me to make this post:

Their behavior only got worse when they began having children that they could also use to try to make me feel inferior and it continues to this day even though I am no longer in communication with them and have not been for years now.

When I consider behaviors like this and others that I witnessed growing up in a narcissistic family structure, one of the biggest emotions I feel is anger. Does an adult obsessively competing with a child sound normal? It doesn’t to me. Yet, no one ever publicly acknowledged how abnormal (or traumatizing) this was and is. However, countless other relatives were labeled “crazy” and “unstable” for a variety of often imaginary reasons all because they had crossed an abuser in the family structure who, in retaliation, was attempting to diminish their credibility and reputation.

I know of so many people whose lives have been wrecked by the “crazy” relative (or “crazy” friend, partner, colleague, etc.) narrative that is often common in narcissistic, abusive environments. Anyone who pushes back against the abuse in these environments is labeled “crazy”. These labels can sometimes be removed or shifted to a different person (or people) depending on the abuser(s) perception of others in the environment at any given time.

These labels are sometimes reinforced by the abuser(s) pressuring their victim(s) to seek therapy, mental health support and even medication to validate that there is something “wrong” with them. But, in reality, it’s not the victim who is actually unstable – it’s the abuser(s). Now that I’m sitting here pondering it all, it reminds me so much of the stories that we often hear of women and men in previous centuries being confined to asylums all because they refused to fit into the status quo or because they angered someone who had the ability/authority to send them away. It also reminds me of the countless stories we hear of people being lobotomized for the same reasons.

I will never forget the moment I fully understood that the relatives who were always being pointed out to me as “crazy” were in fact not. They were just the ones who were willing to tell the truth about what was happening in the family. I cannot escape the gut-wrenching, vomit-inducing feeling I have when I think about how many of those relatives had their lives totally upended by the narratives that were spread about them (and to them about themselves) and the injustice of it all. Or the fact that many of these narratives are still being pushed – in some cases even though those who were victimized by them are long dead.

I also cannot escape the overwhelming desire to make something of my life, to tell about the things that I witnessed, on behalf of these people especially as someone who was/is targeted with that same “crazy” relative narrative myself. If there is one thing that narcissistic abuse has taught me, it’s to pay attention to the person in a room or environment who is being silenced with the “crazy person” label. A good chunk of the time, that person is the one who is telling you the truth that someone else doesn’t want you to know.

Age-Gap Relationships

*Please excuse any grammatical errors on this or any of my other blog posts, I have a bad habit of writing posts late at night when I’m basically half asleep.*

I have noticed that with many people who have been in relationships (or situations) where there was a large age gap between themselves and the person they were involved with – particularly people who, at a young age, dated individuals who were much older than them – the older that one gets (and the closer they get to the age of the person they dated), the more the red flags in relationships (or situations) like this become apparent to them.

This is something I can relate to. Unfortunately, I have been in multiple situations where I was involved with people who were much older than I am – most of these situations occurred in my early twenties. There were also several instances when I was still underage of older men expressing an interest in dating me. At times, I erroneously believed that I was interested in them as well.

For most of my life, people have constantly told me that I am “mature for my age” and that I will more than likely end up with someone older than me because “boys my age won’t understand me”. For most of my life, statements like that have shaped my perception of dating and marriage. At one point in my life, I even declared – publicly – that I only dated older men. Thankfully, the aforementioned statements no longer have an impact on my life.

I do believe that it is possible (!!!! IN NON-PREDATORY SITUATIONS !!!!!) for people who are far apart in age to genuinely fall in love with one another and then go on to have a beautiful relationship. However, if someone is going out of their way to date people way younger than them – or if someone is going out of their way to date people way older than them – there is a problem.

As I get older and look back at the ages I was when I was involved with older men, I cannot fathom even considering someone that young as a possible partner. In my eyes, I see someone who is just a few years younger than I am as a child – a literal baby. Now, at this stage in my life, even though I’m older myself, I can no longer even wrap my mind around being involved with any of the men that I was involved with back then. Now that I have matured, grown and healed, it’s insane to me to consider dating someone that much older.

I see now that no matter how nice or normal some of those men may have been (and few of them were), the fact that they were even willing to date me as young as I was was a huge red flag and indicative of other problems.

I feel that there is a great amount of trauma behind the statement that I once made that one is only willing to date individuals older than them. Also, I’m sorry but the idea that I would only be able to get along well with an older man as opposed to someone my age due to my maturity level is laughable because most of the men who were willing to pursue me when I was so young were EXTREMELY (bold and italicizing isn’t enough – I think I need to pay for a blimp to display this message across the sky to really get the point across) immature.

Tallahassee ❤️

Tallahassee, FL will always have such a special place in my heart. This is the place that God has always used to teach me about faith, life and relationships. This is the place where my life has always made sense – where my life has always been stable and safe. My heart loves it here so much.

Lord willing, if I have sons, I’m naming one of them Tallahassee!!! I’m doing it!!!!! Maybe I’ll even marry a man named Tallahassee!!!!!

A Thought | Racism in Miami, FL

Lately, when I think about the racism I experienced in schools growing up in Miami, I’ve been flabbergasted at why I and my parents did not report those incidents to the appropriate parties. I guess there were many reasons why we felt like we couldn’t (and sometimes I was afraid to tell my parents about certain things) but, dude, I had teachers who were stopping class to go on rants about “the blacks” and was having racist things yelled at me in the cafeteria among a laundry list of other awful (worse) things. Even my parents witnessed the racism in the schools I attended and were subjected to mistreatment themselves. They thought that by sending me to the schools they did, they were providing me with better learning opportunities. As much as my heart bleeds for how African-Americans in Miami get treated, lately I’ve been questioning why we’re not doing more to push back against certain things.

And I understand that, in many ways, we are pushing back but then there are all the ways where I see us not doing so and allowing things to be done that shouldn’t be – and that are often illegal.

Trump & Narcissistic Abuse

Trump is interesting because you can literally teach a detailed class on narcissistic abuse based solely on him, the way people interact with and respond to him, the way he treats others, etc. He’s also a perfect example of how the narcissist and their flying monkeys’ antics always backfire in the end.

God bless the men who do what they’re supposed to do.

God bless the men who do what they’re supposed to do. Men have to go through so much that they don’t get to talk about (or don’t feel that they can talk about). We have to take care of the ones who do right, pray for them and let them know that they’re appreciated.

One of the Worst Things About Narcissistic Family Structures

One of the things I have found to be most saddening as someone who grew up connected to narcissistic family structures on both sides is the legacy of abuse left behind by previous generations. There are so many things I suffered as a direct result of wicked seeds that were planted by people who had passed away long before I was even born.