Josh Gunderson's Blog, page 9

The World Cancelled My Cruise and I Lost My Damn Mind

It shouldn’t really be a surprise to anyone but… my cruise got cancelled.

I was really holding out hope that we’d be sailing in May but when the CDC extended their “no sail” guidelines another 100 days it was pretty much a given that I wouldn’t be sipping colorful drinks on a ship deck anytime soon.

Naturally this caused me to lose my damn mind.

So I did what any normal person would do and I hunted down the recipe for my favorite Royal Caribbean Margarita (The Smokey Rita), chased down all the appropriate ingredients while practicing responsible social distancing, and made it… and then put on a video of the ocean and sat in front of my TV drinking it while pretending I was on a cruise ship.

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So that’s how my self-isolation is going.

Be well all.

Because the World Just Isn’t Weird Enough

I’ve been blogging for five years now and it’s certainly been an interesting ride. My first entry was posted in March 2015 and there’s been some irregularity in it all but I’ve always done my best to post as much as possible. It’s been a struggle as of late more out of lack of motivation than lack of things to talk about. This whole self-isolation thing is really messing with my mental health. One of the biggest things it how much I miss my friends.

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In an effort to stay sane, I’ve been talking to many of my friends on the phone more just shooting the shit and sharing quarantine stories. While I was talking to Ashley-Michelle one afternoon I realized that now would be the time to finally get going with our idea to start a podcast. We’ve been talking about it since last year but never really had the time.

Now we have nothing but time.

So we did it.

We’re officially podcast people.

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For our first episode we kind of just talked while both on instagram live. It was a lot of fun but definitely a whole lot of weird. You’re more than welcome to check it out here:

The podcast is called “The Millennial Agenda” and it’s pretty much about nothing at all. Probably not the best way to describe it but who the hell knows. It’s pretty much just us chatting about whatever. For the second episode we chatted about cooking. I read an article that said that Millennials don’t know how to cook and I took great offense to that.

We ended up talking at great length about our cooking habits. It was a lot of fun. You can heat that episode here:

Tonight we’re recording our third episode and hopefully working out a schedule for recording. During our down time we’ll likely be doing two a week and move to once a week when we’re finally back to work. I’m looking forward to the weirdness we have to offer.

Hopefully you get a chance to listen and if you like it- we can be found on most hosting platforms like Google and Apple.

This isn’t a post so much as an update on what I’ve been up to. I’m trying to get the motivation to write more it’s just been really tough. I’m getting there. I promise. More of my weirdness to come.

I’m Just A Drug Dealer For Cats Now

All over the internet you hear people talking about how much their dogs are loving having them home all day every day. I’m of the VERY strong belief that cats could not only care less, but they are quite pissed about it.

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I’m pretty sure mine are sick of me at this point. Between the move and the quarantine they are about over me.

That said, I’ve officially moved and have been working on getting settled into my new home. I guess the big perk of not being able to work right now is that I’ve had the time to actually get things in order and whatnot instead of living out of boxes and tripping over crap for weeks on end because I don’t know what a day off is.

I still have some boxes I’ve been ignoring but the bulk of the work is done. Lord knows I have plenty of time to deal with the rest.

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The move has been interesting on the cat front. Where Burger and Guinness came down with me from Massachusetts and we’ve lived in a few different places- Lemon has only known the one home. We’ve all been there for about six years so they were nice and comfortable in their kingdom.

The movers had come earlier in the day so Guinness and Lemon were both high stress as they hate strangers. The two of them managed to rip chunks out of me, which was loads of fun. After the big move happened, I came back to get them. I figured they’d feel better with familiar smells and whatnot everywhere. I had gotten some things set up and unpacked for them.

The cat move went about like anyone who knows them would expect. Burger walked herself into the carrier with no problem and fell asleep like it was another normal day. Guinness fought the carrier but relaxed a bit once she realized there was no escape. Lemon, however, fought tooth and nail getting into the carrier and SCREAMED the entire car ride- aside from the day I brought her home and a couple vet trips- she’s never really been in the thing.

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It’s been about two weeks now and they’ve gotten pretty settled. I mean Burger is the most unbothered cat in the world so she was owning the place within minutes of us arriving. Guinness took a bit to warm up and Lemon even longer. We all got there for the most part.

Lemon has always been a little more on the anxious side and she’s been a bit rough over the past couple months with all the stuff going on around her. She certainly picks up on my anxiety and it affects her which makes me feel bad. She’s taken to over-grooming herself and she’s got some pretty decent bald-spots going.

Since it’s near impossible to get near a vet right now with everything going on, I did some research online about what could be the problem. It seems like stress is the big thing. Since I’m home a lot right now she seems to be doing better but little things still freak her out. A lot of noises to get used to.

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Today I ended up buying a calming collar for her after reading about them online. I’m buying a special diffuser for her but the shipping is taking longer than I would have liked so the collar was the best option for now. She seems pretty okay with it so I’m letting it be. The thing has some pretty… interesting reviews online when it comes to safety so I’m mildly concerned about it. There’s a good chance I’m going to take it off of her when I’m not going to be around for extended periods. I’ve got the diffuser on order so for now we wait.

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In an effort to make sure they were all getting love, attention and proper stimulation I decided to buy some new toys. They obviously have their toy box but they don’t seem too interested in any of their old toys. I found some compressed catnip toys that seemed perfect for the three so I snagged them. Needless to say the results have been interesting.

Since catnip really holds their interest for a short period I don’t get it for them that often. The three of them went INSANE. Even Burger, who doesn’t like to let anyone see her act like a cat, went a little nuts which was hilarious.

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Catnip seemed to have various effects on them. Lemon, who was a bit pissed about the collar had some fun with it but preferred her favorite toy instead. We call it “Sparkle” and if you even mention it to her, she gets all excited. She loves to play fetch with it. Since it makes her so crazy, I have to keep it locked up unless it’s playtime. She was quite happy to see it.

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Burger passed out and looked hilarious while she did it.

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Guinness got a wild case of the zoomies like I have never seen before and went bolting around the house like a crazy cat. She ended up behind the TV where she knows she isn’t allowed but I wasn’t about to stop her.

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Now we are all just hanging out. The catnip mice are in the freezer to keep them fresh as was recommended to me by the internet. So it’ll be a fun surprise in a month when I forget what is in that Tupperware container in the freezer.

Yes, I Have A Tattoo. No, You Can’t Touch Me.

It happens more often than you would think and it’s equally disturbing each time. A complete stranger running their hand along my arm.

It just happened last week. Social distancing was just in the infancy of becoming a buzzword and we’d certainly had been instructed to avoid physical contact with others but that sure as hell didn’t stop this lady.

“That’s cool,” she said as she ran her clammy fingers along my arm, caressing the tattoo there. “Oh my god you have more!” She flips my arm around to look at the rest. My smile is more of a grimace as I gently pull away and offer her a menu to look at and ask her what she’d like to drink.

This isn’t a rare occurrence for me, sadly.

Worse is when people spot the keyhole tattooed behind my ear and decide the best thing to do it pretend they have a key and poke me. “What’s that unlock?” they joke.

My rage, sir. It unlocks my rage.

Touch me again and see what happens.

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Yeah, I have tattoos. Fourteen of them if you really must know. Many of them are covered up by my day-to-day wear but the ones on my arms and behind my ear are visible to all. Because they are so visible people tend to comment on them and I’ll never be mad about it. Go ahead and compliment them, the artists did a great job and if I didn’t like them, I wouldn’t have gotten them. Totally fine by me to hear kind words.

Not fine? Touching me without permission. Never okay. Just because it’s coupled with a compliment doesn’t make it right.

It takes me a long time to warm up to people touching me as any of my friends and co-workers will tell you. It takes a while for me to be okay with hugs or anything else like that. Frankly I find it strange when anyone wants to hug me. Nothing against you, I’m just weird.

Regardless- you don’t ever know someone’s personal limitations when it comes to physical contact and you have no idea what touching without consent means to someone. A tattoo doesn’t change that at all.

My tattoos don’t give you sudden permission to touch me. Unless I get one that expressly says “touch here” in which case, it’s fair game. But mine don’t say that at all.

Only I get to give you that permission.

This goes not just for me but for everyone you encounter regardless of the ink on their skin or even the clothes they are wearing.

Consent belongs to me and me alone. If you want to see them ask! Need a closer look? Ask!

ASK!

If I say yes, go for it. If I say no, honor that.

That goes for everyone and everything.

So go ahead and compliment my tattoo. If you want to touch it, ask first. SPOILER ALERT: it feels just like normal skin and there’s no real point in you even putting your gross fingers on me. But ask. That’s going to be a whole lot better than me freaking out and punching you in the face.

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What To Expect When You Weren’t Expecting

Since I find myself with an abundance of free time right now- I’m working on my backlog of blog post ideas. I’ve been up to quite a bit and there’s been a lot of crap going on- I just haven’t the proper motivation or desire to write anything. Now, I’m sitting in my car at an autoshop with some poor man under the car. On top of being a horrible blogger, I’m terrible at general car maintenance. I am VERY overdue for an oil change. I’m sorry poor man under my car.

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Can I also mention that I find the whole concept of drive-thru oil changes both wonderful and weird. I get to awkwardly sit in my car while some man crawls around under me. The price is a little more than I would care to pay for an oil change but here we are.

If you’re mentally chastising me for not practicing everyone’s favorite buzzword right now, I would agree but A) I needed to get this done because it’s been an obscene amount of time since my last oil change and B) I needed to get some boxes from Lowes. I also made a quick trip to the store to try to get some food. I, thankfully, didn’t need a whole lot because there wasn’t much to pick from.

I really hope that when this is all over people take a long hard look at how ridiculous they acted. Yes, this is a wildly unprecedented event, something I hope to never have to experience again. I’ve seen a lot of fear in people’s faces and their actions and it makes me sad.

I’m not saying I’m not scared. I’m painfully worried about what happens next. I do know that once things start to get back to some sort of status quo, the restaurant will be there and I’ll go back to saying weird things to people who dare sit at my bar. We know our jobs are waiting for us when this is all over.

But I was laid off of my marketing job. My full-time job. And that scares me. I mean, I understand why they did it, the whole company was laid off to give us the ability to apply for unemployment. We know that we’ll have the opportunity to apply for our jobs again once this is over, but there is no timeline for when this will end.

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And then in the middle of all of this, I’m in the process of moving. I’m not now, or probably ever going to go into the details of the ‘why’ of this situation but it’s what’s happening. Certainly not ideal to be trying to move in the middle of the world ending yet here we are.

Needless to say, I’ve not been having the greatest year.

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So what does all this mean? Whelp, I’ve decided that I’m going to try to write something for this poor little blog every day. Like I said, I’ve got a bunch of things jotted down that I’ve wanted to write, I just haven’t had the time. Now I do.

Even with moving there’s still time to write. I hate packing with a fiery, burning, passion so regular breaks to just sit with my notebook are a welcome distraction. Mostly because it keeps me from wanting to just set everything on fire from having to deal with it. Had I more time to pack and move, I would go through and donate or trash a bunch of stuff but since I don’t have that luxury, I’m going to deal with it when unpacking.

Who are we even donating to anymore? Salvation Army is psychotically religious and supports groups that I can’t get behind. Goodwill is just plain evil. I know books can likely be donated to a local library. Who takes toys? I have some knick-knacks that I know kids would probably like. They are too advanced for a daycare.

Anyone have any thoughts?

And where do clothes go now.

WHAT ARE THE RULES ANYMORE?!?!

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There Are Definitely Ghosts Here and I Don’t Care What Anyone Says

It’s hard to think that less than a month ago, things were totally normal and I could just pop over to Target and buy some toilet paper. I also had a job then. It was a better time.

Anyway, before the world went insane, I took a trip to Portland, Oregon to speak at a school. Ashley-Michelle tagged along because she’d never been to Portland and wanted to escape from Florida for a bit. Because of the way our flights fell, on our last day we had some time before the red-eye flight to explore (more to come on those adventures).

After lunch we had pretty much exhausted our options on things to do after discovering that the bookstore we wanted to visit was A) not all that exciting and B) impossible to find parking anywhere near it.

I did some quick searching for things to do and stumbled upon the Pittock Mansion. It looked creepy and fun and like a great way to kill some time. I didn’t bother telling Ashley-Michelle where we were going because I knew she’d be on board with the madness. And she totally was.

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I didn’t get a picture but apparently the parking lot used to be a tennis court and maybe a pool. I say maybe because I don’t remember but it would make sense. I would totally put a pool there. Though Portland gets cold and pools are hard to maintain. Maybe just put the tennis court back.

Oh yeah, if it was up to me I would totally buy this place and live there. You know, when I get super rich. The place would need some serious safety upgrades because it wasn’t built to withstand earthquakes. Oh, and there’s also the murderous ghosts that totally live there AND I DON’T CARE WHAT THE DOCENT LADY SAYS!!

I mean take a good long look at this place and tell me it isn’t haunted by some poor tortured souls. I should mention that we also went on a super rainy and depressing day which only lent to my theory of gruesome murders. I’ve also been watching a lot of American Horror Story lately.

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As we wandered around I subtly hinted at both my desire to move and my theory of ghosts. The volunteer poo-pooed both of these things and I feel like she’s working for the demons that live there. All of them wanted to ruin my fun.

I would find those damn ghosts.

SIDE NOTE: I’m totally sorry if you happened upon this post while searching for information about the Pittock Mansion, you’re not going to find it here. I should also mention that all of this is mostly in my head and probably not true. I’m seriously what’s wrong with the internet BUT THIS PLACE IS TOTALLY HAUNTED AND I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS!!

The tour of the place is self-guided and we just aimlessly wandered and quickly learned that there are some places that guests weren’t allowed to go including the entire third floor. I assume these areas are where the ghosts are all hanging out.

I see you up there ghosts!

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I was actually starting to believe in the lack of ghosts until we stumbled upon one of the kid’s rooms- it might have been a playroom but I threw away the map and I’m writing this based on my memory and we all know how great that is.

Anyway, as we were looking at the maybe playroom I discovered the Annabelle like-spirit that I know is haunting the place in the form of THE DEMON CLOWN FROM EVERYONE’S DAMN NIGHTMARES:

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There is not one person in this world that can convince me that this thing isn’t coming to life and murdering people. And you want to know something, he’s taking the souls of his victims and trapping them in these damn demon dolls. CONVINCE ME THAT THERE AREN’T SOULS TRAPPED IN THESE DOLLS, I’LL WAIT!

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You better believe that I googled the shit out of this place as soon as I got home. The only mention I could really find of possible ghosts was that the original owners peacefully haunted the place. Apparently they died soon after construction was done and since they didn’t get to enjoy it while they were alive, they haunt it in their deaths. But like in a Casper way and not an Annabelle way.

Which I’m calling bullshit on because LOOK AT THE DAMN MURDER COWN!

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Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk.

Here’s Why DoorDash Is Evil, Especially During Quarantine

Whelp, here I am.

Jobless.

As of last night, I worked my final shift at the restaurant until further notice. With the theme parks closed and the hotels closing tomorrow, there are just no people. As a result, hours have been drastically cut for everyone. Some of us were just a little less lucky than others.

It’s me. I’m less lucky.

Thankfully, the parent company has set up some relief for team members. The set up a fund for us that will pay us based on our normal schedules for the next two weeks. But it’s only two weeks. After that, who knows. It’s looking like a good number of us will have to file for unemployment for the time being.

This is stressful as hell now.

But not why I’m here.

My restaurant, like many other is making it’s way toward the take-out only model of doing things which is part of the reason why so many cuts were made. Once this happens each shift will only have three people on it- manager, cook, to-go employee.

Can I let you all in on a big not-so-secret when it comes to your DoorDash, Postmates, Ubereats orders? The server at the restaurant, doing all the work to ensure your meal is together and correct, isn’t making any money off of your order. When you tip on your order that money is only going to your driver, we don’t see any of it.

So imagine you’re me last night, putting together an order for a family of five that totaled around $100. I meticulously check every aspect of the order to make sure it’s how you want it, and is cooked to perfection. You might have tipped $10 or even the full 20%. I’m not going to see any of it.

I will see your DoorDash driver walk in and shove his phone in my face and scream “DOORDASH!” at me.

Serious side-note, DoorDash drivers are rude as hell. They are in a hurry to get things done and don’t care about anyone else, just picking up that next delivery. And you know what, more power to them, they wanna make money. But they will be rude as hell about it.

I was helping a guest and a DoorDash driver shoved her phone between us, into my face and yelled “DoorDash!”

I was telling that story to another guest one time and they didn’t believe that this happened… until a DoorDash walked in and shoved their phone in my face. They don’t even tell you the name on the order, they just assume you’ll know which of the 20 DoorDash orders in the back are theirs.

We don’t.

Worse is when they show up too early for the order and get angry when you tell them it’s not ready and then get pissed with every passing minute. Especially when I’m on the bar, I’m going to go back to taking care of my tipping guests and I’ll check on the order when I have a minute. I still have a job to do and dropping everything to stand in the back staring at the cooks making your order isn’t going to help anyone.

So the reason I’m bringing this up is because I want you to think long and hard about your restaurant employee when you’re making your order. Now, McDonalds and other Fast Food places are one thing- places where you don’t normally tip, they are making a wage. The average McDonalds employee make around $10. Please note that I said average, if you make less than that please don’t come for me.

Anyway, think about really any of us that are still on the front lines. I’ve spent the last three days working directly with the public. I’ve had to wash my hands so much that they are raw and no amount of moisturizer is working on them. I’ve had to touch used silverware, napkins, plates and money. I’ve done all this to survive.

Once a restaurant goes to take-out only, only a select few are getting those hours. I am not one of them, sadly. But please take care of those who are there. Understandably, some people can’t leave the house right now. This threat we are facing is a serious one for some more than others.

But please consider picking up your own food. You can still order curbside from us and when you pay online you are able to tip the employee working.

So think about this before you go for DoorDash or all these other delivery services. I don’t want to take money away from them, but I think it’s also important to realize that we are the restaurant make nothing from this when we are really doing the heavy lifting.

This is honestly something that’s bothered me for a long time and it’s a big part of the reason why I never personally use these services. Sure it’s convenient but at what cost really. I’ve brought this up before when it comes to to-go food because when they bar is in charge of running take out, we’re only making server wage which is currently around $5.50 an hour.

I had one night recently where I was inundated with take-out orders and spent a solid hour doing only that. Each and every one of them was a DoorDash order which means for a full hour I was busting my butt while trying to take care of my few guests and the service well (making drinks for other servers) and I made nothing off of it. An hour of insane work with orders that all together totaled around $300 and I made nothing but server wage from it.

So please think about all that before you place that order. Not just not but for when things go back to normal as well.

Okay. Rant over.

A Plague upon Your Servers

I don’t remember if I wrote about it, but last year I had a fun conversation with some guests at the bar. They were in town for a few weeks and became regulars on the nights that I was bartending. This was right before I was set to go on my cruise and we, naturally, spent a great deal of time chatting about that.

At one point, one of them asked what kind of vacation benefits we get and I just laughed. Truth of the matter is, when it comes to working the food service industry, there’s no vacation time. When we take days off, there is no compensation for it, we just don’t make money. So when we take a vacation it actually costs us more than you think.

Now, go ahead and ask me about my sick time.

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That’s right. We don’t get any.

Right now, the hot topic for everyone is the coronavirus. No one can so much as cough or sneeze without anyone around them freaking the hell out. The news is doing a fantastic job and whipping everyone into a panic but not properly reporting or sharing information. Businesses are starting to take measures to protect their employees and guests. For example, I saw a sign at a Starbucks saying that for the time being, they would not be using guests’ reusable cups from home.

Makes sense.

I didn’t think much of it but last week they had us all sign new food safety forms and yesterday, a fun little sheet showed up that we all had to mark down that we were washing our hands at least once and hour and immediately after going to the bathroom or touching anything that could be considered contaminated (money, dirty dishes, etc). Therefore, we are supposed to be washing our hands constantly.

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Moreso, as a rule, if we are sick, we are supposed to stay home. This is where things get annoying. Because I’ll be completely honest, I’ve worked sick. Just about every server ever has. I’ve had times where I’ve told managers that I’m sick and they’ve made me continue to work.

I’m lucky enough to work somewhere where they do offer health insurance. It isn’t great but they offer it. I have it, it still costs an arm and a leg to go to the doctor and I can’t even imagine how much an emergency room visit would run me. I’m currently indebted to Quest Diagnostics for about $1500 for standard tests that I had done ages ago.

Back to my point along with the coronavirus. I work two jobs that I really enjoy yet neither of them offer sick pay. Getting sick is expensive and add in no income what do you get? Me dragging my sick ass into work.

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I’m not writing this to scare anyone, I’m sure someone will take it that way and freak out that servers are going to be spreading the plague to everyone. If you get that out of this then it’s probably for the best that you don’t dine out anyway- you seem like the type that doesn’t tip properly.

I honestly am not even 100% sure why I’m writing this. I just couldn’t help but think of all of this while working the other night. So many people don’t understand how hard it is for some many out there when it comes to money and healthcare and overall health in general.

While I personally think there’s a whole lot of disinformation and unnecessary panic in the world, I think that we are seeing the spread of a virus around the world. There’s a very good chance that we’re going to see it continue to spread because people can’t afford to take time off from work to be sick. I know I don’t. I’m going to keep taking care of myself as best I can but who the hell knows what’s going to happen.

It’s scary to work in the food industry and be sick. Like I said, I’ve been made to work when sick. I’ve been guilted into coming in not feeling well because of staffing issues. I’ve had fellow servers and bartenders come in half-dead because they couldn’t afford to take the night off. That’s why so often in many jobs once one of us is sick- we all end up sick. But management will guilt you into coming in, will threaten your job if you call out.

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I guess my point is.

Can everyone just not be a dick and wash their freaking hands.

And calm the hell down.

And tip your servers.

Thanks.

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To All the Movies I’ve Ignored Before

Hello dear people of the internet, I’m back with another strange wondering because I’ve recently realized that I’ve developed a weird habit… non-habit… I don’t know what it is but I’ve sure got it. Have it? Gotten it?

Listen. Words are hard.

I was scrolling through Netflix the other day and saw that Kill Bill, Vol 2 was on there and I haven’t seen it. I had watched the first one years ago with a guy I had been seeing. He’s actually the subject of this post from a while ago about my favorite first date.

Anyway, we had watched the first one together and I had really like it and we had planned to watch the second one the next time we saw each other. We never saw each other after that and as a result I’ve never watched it. I couldn’t bring myself to watch it either. Someday I might.

Then last night I was scrolling through my Vudu account for something to watch and there’s a couple movies I own on there that I still haven’t watched yet. Each one, I had said I would specifically watch with certain people- some I still have in my life, others I don’t.

So basically, there are a bunch of movies I haven’t watch simply because I had promised to watch them with people and I haven’t….

Am I the only one doing this?

Am I a crazy person?

Well, yes I’ma crazy person.

But does anyone else do this with movies and TV shows.

I should probably just suck it up and watch them.

HELP INTERNET.

Target is More Excited for my Baby than I Am

Whelp, it happened. I had a kid.

At least according to Target.

I never thought this day would come.

For reasons I don’t care to go into now, we were without water for a few days at the beginning of the month. With the madness of what was going on, coupled with my insane schedule, it was difficult to be able to take a proper shower. Sure, there was the option of running to my gym for one but my schedule wasn’t going for it.

Not an excuse at all but there it is.

As a result, I decided to go with a runners trick and get some baby wipes to use to clean myself off for the couple days I was going to be a gross person.

I also learned that the term for washing off with baby wipes is “take a hoe bath.” So this experience has at least been educational.

Anyway, since I’m a classy hoe, I bought my baby wipes at Target and naturally made sure to log in my Target Circle account and use my RedCard to save money. Again, classy hoe. As a result, I’m now getting an OBSCENE number of push notifications regarding baby products. Like, a lot.

Cribs? Diapers? Formula? Target has me covered.

Honestly, you’d think with the amount of cat food, wine and pints of ice cream I’m always buying they’d know that I’m single as fuck.

But no. Buy one pack of baby wipes and BOOM! You’re with child.

My big question is why the hell there are so many flavors of baby wipes.

Cucumber mint? REALLY?! Peaches & honey? WHY?!

Naturally I was on the phone with my sister while I was scoping out the varieties and had a lot of out loud questions about why the hell a baby’s ass is being treated better than me as a human in general. There were some people giving me some very… unamused looks in the aisle.

I didn’t care.

I needed my hoe-bath.

And now I’m a cucumber-minty hoe.

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