Josh Gunderson's Blog, page 5

I’ll Likely Never Run Disney Again

Just one quick scroll through my blog and you’ll see that I’ve been a big fan of the RunDisney races since I ran my first one back in 2014. My first race would turn out to be the final running of the Tower of Terror 10-Miler. A month later, I ran my first half marathon with Wine & Dine (the race is affectionately known as the “splash and dash” amongst those who ran it.

For the next five years, I would be an avid RunDisney fan, flying from coast to coast to complete and absurd number of races (while spending a more absurd amount of money). I felt the investment in my overall health was worth it. Over those five years, I was in the best shape I’d been in my life.

It has been three years since my last race, which was in April 2019 with the now defunct Star Wars Half Marathon Weekend. I was set to run the WDW Marathon at the beginning of this year but the rise in COVID cases and the fact that I was booked to speak at a school a week after the race, I didn’t want to run the risk of getting sick and losing the work. Thankfully, RunDisney was kind enough to give me a refund in the form of a gift card which I’ve very slowly been working through over the past year.

Flash to April of this year when the 2023 WDW Marathon weekend went on sale. It’s the 30th Anniversary of the Marathon and the 10th Anniversary of the Dopey Challenge and I was all about it. Unfortunately, I was on a plane when registration opened and the web site had crashed and was down for most of the day. By time things were working again, the races were 100% sold out. They have reopened here and there since but not the Dopey, which is really the only reason I’d do the weekend if the option presented itself.

With the onset of the pandemic, RunDisney finally began offering virtual options for their races but I’m honestly disgusted with how much they are charging for them.

For those unfamiliar, a virtual race is one where you do the miles on the honor system and they mail you the medal(s). With Disney you’ll also receive the race shirts that you would also receive at the in-person races.

Now. RunDisney races are expensive. If you’ve run them before, the price tag is understandable. Live entertainment and meet and greets all along the course, top notch water and recharge stops along the route, and the experience of running through world class theme parks and sometimes behind the scenes.

100% worth it in my option. I was fully prepared to drop nearly $700 to experience the magic and the fun of the Dopey Challenge again.

For reference, the race costs for the weekend:
5K: $103.40
10K: $146.04
Half Marathon: $213.20
Marathon: $218.53
Goofy Challenge: $431.73
Dopey Challenge: $660.92

If you are a runner a like to do races, you’ll know that these prices are ABSURD. But you’re paying for the experience.

Here’s what pisses me off. The price of the virtual races. Again- you are paying for the medals and the shirts to be sent to you and that’s it. That’s all you get. Here are the prices:

5K: $84.21
10K: $105.03
Half Marathon: $125.79
Marathon: $127.92
Goofy Challenge: $293.15
Dopey Challenge: $511.68

Say it with me now:

For reference, the OUC Half Marathon which takes place in December and is a fantastically fun race is just $100 and that’s if you wait until the last minute to book it. The price as of me sitting down and writing this is $90 and the starting price when registration opened was $70.

So the virtual prices are just absurd. Beyond absurd, they’re disgusting.

I’m sure there’s some corporate, bureaucratic reason for the prices but I’m not buying it.

Overall, the prices for the races have made them unrealistic for me. In Orlando alone we have a number of amazing races that are significantly cheaper. I’ve been lucky enough to spend five years running the Disney circuit and I’m sure there will be an exception along the way, but I’m pretty certain my RunDisney career has come to an end.

I never say never because my sister really wants to run a race and she wants that race to be Disney. For her, I’ll do it because it would mean her and the rest of her family coming down for a visit and we’d be doing more than just running.

They’ve also recently announced that the Disneyland races will be returning in 2024. I actually loved those races more than anything run at Disney World so I could be convinced to return to California. At the same time, I know the first races back with be a battle just for registration so might not be right away that I make my return.

The moral of the story, if there is one, is that I miss running races and I want to return to it. I just don’t think it’s going to be at Disney.

I Don’t Think I’m Allowed at the Vet Office Anymore

Remember like, a week ago, when I wrote about taking Lemon to the vet and making an ass out of myself with a cute vet tech? For a refresher you can visit the post: How Are You Still Single? Oh, That Makes Sense

Well, I wrote that under the impression that all of my vet needs had been met and I wouldn’t have to return for a while. You know, so everyone could forget that I’m an awkward toad that needs to be stopped.

Burger really went there and said, “Bet, bitch.”

She’s had a bit of a cold for longer than the internet recommends and I was at my limit for the number of times a living being could sneeze in my face. I had originally made her an appointment for the weekend but when I returned from not being murdered at the movies, I discovered she had been pulling her fur out.

Seriously, it looked like a cat had exploded in the apartment.

I ended up getting her a last minute appointment for the following day. It was a drop off appointment as opposed to a “sit and wait” one but I knew Burger could handle it. For Lemon, I had taken time off of work to take her to the vet and sit and wait because I know how much she hates everything and everyone (much like her father).

Burger, on the other hand, is the queen of the damn world and I was more concerned that she would take over the building and become their new ruler.

Thankfully, the vet tech I was dealing with this time around was NOT the cute one but I did see him through a window working in the back so there was still potential of me making an ass out of myself. Shockingly, I was able to drop Burger off with little incident though it’s always something fun when I introduce her to a new vet.

You see, Burger had a portion of her intestines removed when she was a kitten and as a result, she has been very small her entire life. Every time I take her to a new vet, their immediate reaction is “HOLY SHIT, YOU CAT IS NOT OKAY!” So I needed to explain that to the tech.

There’s also the fact that Burger firmly believes that she is a parrot and wants nothing more than to be sitting pretty on someone’s shoulder. It’s actually something I have to warn everyone about who comes to visit my home. Whether you like it or not, you’re going to end up with a cat on you. And it’s going to be Burger.

With all of that said, I left my precious angel with the vet and went about my day… meaning I went to work.

All went well until pick-up time.

There was a bit of a wait when I got back to the vet’s office and so I was standing there, minding my own business, when overly-attractive vet tech emerges from the back and graces us all with his presence. We made eye contact and for some, wild reason, I turned into a awkward teenage girl from every young adult rom-com ever made and went with this move:

As if this man had any damn clue who I was. The LOOK I received from him. It was one of confusion and possibly fear.

He likely went to the back and, upon reflection, recalled, “oh, that’s the tired guy with possible diarrhea.”

 This is, in fact, what I have written in my Tinder bio.

(I don’t have tinder)

I retrieved my cat and we went about our day, me wishing that I could jump off a tall building and Burger having successfully made everyone in the office fall in love with her… I need to learn her secrets.

As for the official diagnosis, I’m going to be honest in that I’m not satisfied with the service we ultimately received because we’re still having issues. I feel like I paid $100 for her to hang out at the vet’s office all day but no one bothered to look her over for anything. She’s still over-grooming and sneezing and their opinion was “she’s stressed because you went on vacation.”

Therefore, I have a feeling we will be ending up back there again soon and hopefully I can get some real answers and be less awkward.

I’m Going to be Urban Legend-ed in a Mall Parking Lot Aren’t I?

This is the story of how I died.

That might be a slight exaggeration of the events that unfolded but I’ll be honest, there was a moment of “holy shit, I’m about to become one of those fucking urban legends.”

Let me set the scene.

I decided to go see a movie after work because there is nothing like taking yourself on a nice movie date. I opted to see Jeepers Creepers: Reborn since it was only playing for three days and this was the one night I could go. (Spoiler alert: it was horrible and I might write about it at another time because it was just that bad and the world needs to know.)

Naturally, by the time I got out of the movie it was late and dark out. I should mention that there’s a movie theater where I work so my car was parked where I had left it in the morning which was in an area that wouldn’t see a lot of action at that hour of the night.

I really didn’t think much of it until I got to my car and saw a yellow sticky note on the driver’s side door handle.

Here it is:

Obviously, I saw this and immediately thought that someone had hit my car while I was parked there all day but then, because of who I am as a person, my brain immediately went to all those stories you hear about people finding weird things on their car and when they investigate they get kidnapped and human trafficked and whatnot.

I was torn between wanted to check out my car for damage and wanted to get the hell out of there.

Deciding that I was prime kidnapping material, I got into the car and left the area. I stopped in a different part of the parking lot that was completely empty and well lit, did a quick look around, and found absolutely nothing wrong with it. No dents, broken things, nothing.

I needed to stop for gas as it was so while I was there I did a Google search for similar notes left on cars. The internet seemed a bit torn about what was happening. Some people reported that it was overly aggressive dealers looking to buy your car and sell you another one, others talked about their car having existing damage and these people wanted to fix it, and others mentioned human trafficking schemes trying to get you to go to a second location.

Given the childish handwriting on my note, I can only assume that it was a thirty-year-old Russian woman who can pass as a child and was planning on murdering me in my sleep after I adopted her.

Needless to say, I won’t be calling my future murderer any time soon.

Be safe out there friends.

A Beginners Guide to Not Being an A-Hole at Halloween Horror Nights: 2022 Edition

Well, here I am, looking all foolish and shit. I was naïve to think that maybe, just MAYBE this would be the year I wouldn’t have to sit down and write this but then the world was like, nah bro, we’re going to be a-holes.

I also was silly to think that if I just re-shared my 2018 edition of this post that it would be enough but I’m realizing as I type this, I should develop this whole thing into a series of TikToks so that way they people that are being the true a-holes at HHN this year will see it (I’m looking at you Generation Alpha… which is what they are apparently called and I hate it).

You’ll likely find some inconsistencies throughout this but mostly grammatical. For instance, I have no idea if it’s scareactor or scare actor and spell check hates both of them. Also, at this point, this entire post is a Frankenstein’s monster of all the year’s I’ve sat down to write this. You’ll get over it but I just want you to know that I know that things are a bit messy and I just don’t care.

OH YEAH, THE DISCLAIMER: There may be some foul language. I can’t be sure because I am just starting to write this but who the hell knows where it’s going to lead. Just in case I go off on a rant that includes foul language- you’ve been warned. If I don’t end up using foul language, I apologize for wasting your time on this lengthy disclaimer. I mean, now I feel obligated to swear. I might just throw a random “FUCK” in there at some point for you.

It has become apparent from what I have been seeing on Twitter that the ass-clowns are out in full force this year and I find myself once again compelled to share some nuggets of wisdoms for anyone planning on stepping foot onto the hallowed grounds of this sacred event.

Parents: Either Accompany Your Goblins to the Event or Leave them at Home

Yep, this is going to get me some hate mail but I really don’t care.  Parents needs to stop just dropping their teens off places and letting them run amuck without proper supervision. I’ve has encounters with teens lately that have boggled my mind and I’m seeing it happen at Horror Nights as well.

From personal experience, I stopped a teen from riding his skateboard indoors while I was at work. I very kindly asked him to stop and he just stared at me as if I was a complete moron. I think that he thinks that he was intimidating me but it wasn’t working. I finally asked, “do you understand what I just said or do I need to call security and have them explain it to you?” That finally got his attention.

The lack of respect that I’ve experience from teens over the past few months while at work, I’ve seen in the parks as well during Halloween Horror Nights. They just don’t give a shit and don’t understand that actions have consequences. Worse, is that a lot of them are pulling these stunts for internet clout, recording interactions with security guards or (in the case of HHN) scareactors for the sake of posting them to whatever platform they think will get the most likes.

Where are their parents in all of this? Who the hell knows. While CityWalk has enacted a curfew for minors, it would seem that this hasn’t translated to the theme parks. Sure, they can’t get into CityWalk at all after 9pm but that’s more than enough time to get in and into the event before curfew.

Even then, there’s still nothing stopping parents from bringing their kids in and leaving them to their own devices.

Parent, I’m sorry. You need to do better. You kids are harassing, accosting, and abusing the staff and performers at this event. It’s a problem and it needs to stop. If you plan to let your teens and tweens attend this event, you had better plan to stay with them. Otherwise, please don’t be surprised when they end up with bans from the park and possible charges pressed against them.

What You Call Content, We Call Evidence

I did touch on this above but I would like to expand- all of you complete morons who are acting like total asshats and recording it for internet clout (harassing scaractors, attacking scareactors, sneaking up on scareactor— basically being a complete douche-nozzle to performers) and then posting it- thanks! You’d not only made it easier to identify you but have hand delivered the evidence needed should someone wish to press charges.

I can’t, honestly, understand this trend of acting a fool or harassing people trying to do their jobs in exchange for a few likes on social media. You’re not going to become the next big thing for acting like an asshole.

I don’t have anything else to say to that other than knock that shit off. Or if you’d like to explain to me what the advantages are of this behavior, please hit the comments because I’m honestly having a really hard time understanding it.

Turn Off Your Damn Flashlight/Camera Flash

Yes the scarezones are dark and scary. That’s the point. Having your flashlight on is painfully irritating to performers and messes up their ability to see what they are doing, especially since they are relying on their night vision to be able to do their job.

Now, as a photographer I can understand the frustration of the lighting in the scarezones but I also know how terrible flash looks in these photos.

How does it look Josh?

Fucking terrible. Don’t bother.

When I realized what a pain low-light photography was, what did I do? I did some research online and bought a low-light lens and learned how to photograph in the dark without a flash. It’s highly frustrating and hard but it’s worth it.

While we are on the subject of taking pictures…

Scare Actors are Not Your Personal Models

One of my biggest pet peeves are the photographers that I see taking up scare actors time by posing them all over the place to get pictures.

Newsflash.

They are not models, they are actors doing a job.

Personally, I thrive on action photos and prefer that actors keep doing their thing. If they slow down for a brief moment or linger a little bit longer for me then that’s on them. I have never and will never ask an actor to pose for me.

In the interest of full disclosure I have, on occasion, advised friends to “move towards the light”.

In a “I need more light so I don’t use flash like an asshole” was not a “time to move on from this world” sort of way… in case that wasn’t clear.

Keep Your Damn Hands to Your Own Damn Self

During the 2015 run of Halloween Horror Nights the actress playing Carrie in the Drive-In Scare Zone had to resign midway through the run because she was constantly being assaulted by guests. Even after increasing security in the zone, including OPD, people still felt the need to put their hands on her.

In 2018, a performer in the Killer Klowns from Outerspace was attacked and beaten by a group of teenagers. More of a reason why kids shouldn’t be allowed in. At all. Ever.

My point?

DON’T TOUCH THE ACTORS

Even to get their attention.

Keep your hands off.

They aren’t allowed to touch you. You’re not allowed to touch them. That’s how this game works.

They have a job to do. If you’d like to ask them for a photo, wait until they are looking at you and ask politely. If they say yes, be quick. If they say no, then don’t be a jerk about it. There’s a good chance, they’ve been instructed by their management not to pose for photos. Sometimes this is because other people have ruined it for others (refer to the above photographers taking up time posing actors).

Don’t get pushy. Don’t be a jerk. They are following the rules.

You should too.

Let’s Just Pretend the Event is 13+, honestly 18+, even more honest- people should have to take a damn IQ test

Can we take a moment to discuss parents that brings their small children to the event and how terrible they are? I’m sorry, it drives me insane.

I see it all too often every year- kids that are clearly terrified and don’t want to be there, and parents forcing them along.

I know there are no age restrictions on the event but let’s use some damn common sense people.

For more on this please see my post: A Parent’s Guide To Halloween Horror Nights

Honestly, as I write/revise this whole post, I’m starting to believe the event should just be 18+. I know and understand that this will never happen but the fact that cameras have been added to houses and the constant reports of teenage goblins harassing performers and staff- that CityWalk curfew should become an event curfew and when it comes to HHN, no one under 18 should be allowed in without an adult and must be accompanied at all times. Teens found without their guardian should be immediately removed and not allowed back in no matter what.

Sound harsh? You did this to yourselves. (I say that like I have any power of this… if only I did, it’s be over for all of you)

KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS TO YOUR OWN DAMN SELF: Part 2

About mid-way through this 2017’s HHN run, a performer in the American Horror Story house was roundhouse kicked in the face.

Roundhouse.

Kicked.

In.

The.

Face.

I’m sorry, that is not a normal human reaction to being scared. You have to be a special kind of asshole to do something like that.

Another performer in The Shining house was punched so hard she was sent to the hospital with a concussion and could no longer perform for the run.

Another actress in American Horror Story was punched in the face.

Sensing a theme here?

Don’t be an asshole and keep your damn hands to yourself.

If your fear reaction is violence then maybe you should stay at home.

Three Words: Designated. Smoking. Area.

For some stupid reason people seem to think that just because the sun has set, the whole world is their smoking area.

Nope. We’re still in a theme park. Rules still apply. You can’t just smoke anywhere.

Yet they do.

It’s 2018 and, I’m sorry, smoking is a damn dirty habit and we all know better. Yet for some reason, people will light up wherever they feel like it with little regard to those around them.

I’m including people that vape. It still smells gross and I don’t need that in my life.

Yes, I know lines get long but either get out of line to smoke or you’re going to need to wait. I had a guy in front of me in a line vaping and I got caught in the cloud and damn near threw-up. I was gagging and made a point to let this guy know that if I’m about to lose my pizza fries, it’s going to be on him and I would give zero fucks about it.

If you feel the need to slowly kill yourself, that’s on you. Second hand smoke is still harmful to the rest of us so stop being a jerk and wait until you’re in an appropriate area to smoke.

KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS TO YOUR OWN DAMN SELF: Part 3

It is 2018. If there is one thing that we’ve all become experts on, it’s sexual harassment/assault. In case you are uncertain, here’s a quick rundown:

Sexual assault  is an act in which a person intentionally sexually touches another person without that person’s  consent, or coerces or physically forces a person to engage in a sexual act against their will. It is a form of sexual violence which includes rape (forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration or drug facilitated sexual assault), groping, child sexual abuse or the torture of the person in a sexual manner.

Are we all caught up? Good.

WHY HAVEN’T WE LEARNED THIS LESSON?!

This year seems to have brought out a special blend of douche-canoe as stories of sexual assault against performers and even staff of the event.

A witch in Scary Tales was groped and felt up. An actor playing a pig in the same house was grabbed in the crotch by a guest. The same for an actor playing Micheal Meyers in the Halloween house. The actor playing Steve in the Stanger Things house was pinned against a wall by a guests and forcibly made out with. A friend of mine who is a tech was on set fixing something while a house was open and a guest came up behind her and grabbed her chest.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

In no world is this kind of behavior okay. It is illegal. I’m not just talking getting kicked out of the event and trespassed from the park, I’m talking about police getting involved and you ending up with a record.

I honestly cannot, for the life of me, fathom what makes people think this is okay on ANY LEVEL.

I’m beyond mortified.

Leave the Scares to the Scare Actors

Do you have an overwhelming desire to run up behind people and scream at them and scare them?

GREAT!

Audition to be a scare actor!

Are you at Halloween Horror Nights and being paid to scare people?

GREAT!

DO THAT!

Are you are Halloween Horror Nights and NOT being paid to scare people?

No?

THEN STOP RUNNING UP BEHIND SCARE ACTORS AND SCREAMING AT THEM!

It is there job to provide the scares. If you don’t like that and you’re going to get upset and scream at them, then maybe this isn’t the event for you.

Actors have a job to do and they are concentrating hard on doing it. Don’t create and unsafe environment for them by screaming in their ears and running away. If you think this move is going to impress girls or your pre-pubescent friends, I can promise you, it’s not.

And so help me, if I see you do something like this and your escape route comes by me I’m tripping your ass and I can promise that witnesses will probably non-existent because NO ONE LIKES YOU. I don’t work here, you’re not getting me fired.

In Conclusion

There is still plenty of time to enjoy the event and in an effort to help others enjoy it as well, just follow the above rules and I promise it’s going to make life a hell of a lot easier for all of us. And feel free to follow this advice in all aspects of your life.

If that’s all too much to remember, then just remember this: STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE.

Did I forget anything? Anything I should take into consideration for the inevitable 2023 edition of this post? Let me know in the comments! Did you enjoy this post? Share with friends! Do you enjoy my nonsense? Click follow or subscribe by email!

That’s all.

Turns Out I Don’t Mix Well With Others

As we may all recall from my recent posts, I recently went on a solo cruise AND I am terrible at talking to people. If you have no idea what I’m talking about I suggest you go back and catch up on the reading assignments from this week. (SEE: How Are You Still Single? Oh, That Makes Sense and I Made It Out Of My First Solo Cruise With My Organs Intact)

Turns out that those two things combined will lead to some very interesting situations, which is inevitably lead to something ridiculous happening to me.

On the first night of the cruise, I was feeling surprisingly awake and ready for an adventure so I decided to hit the LGBT Mixer.

I can only speak to Royal Caribbean on this but each night of the cruise; there is a self-led LGBT Mixer at one of the bars. For this particular trip, it took place at the wine bar, Vintages.

In an effort to make myself as desirable as possible, I first stopped at my room and through on a hoodie because I was cold. Frankly, there’s nothing that says “I would love to be approached and talked to” like a Halloween Horror Nights Hoodie.

This attempt at being social can be summed up with a single tweet:

It also did not occur to me that anyone who was planning to show up to this event, wouldn’t do so alone. There were plenty of people in the bar but they were all paired off in the peer groups they had come on board with. I was the only solo flyer and I wasn’t about to actually ENGAGE with people.

We know that wouldn’t go well.

I was about to leave when an older man joined me at the bar. We exchanged a few pleasantries and ended up chatting a bit about wine. He mentioned that he wasn’t much of a wine drinker so I eventually led him through what he might like and helped him pick out something to drink. We chatted a little bit about my former bartender life and I thought I would at least have someone to chat with while I finished the glass of wine I was in the middle of.

It would turn out that he would stare into the middle distance while silently nursing his wine than engage any further with me. I’m just sitting there like, “sir, I just helped you pick out wine LIKE A NICE PERSON!” Apparently, that is all I was good for.

Maybe he knew that I was tweeting about him…

I ended up getting lost in reading a book on my Kindle app and ordered a second glass of wine. (I was shockingly awake given the hour, I’m normally dead to the world by 9:30pm).

At this point, potential sugar-daddy had abandoned his own glass of wine and moved on with his evening, leaving me alone in my corner of the bar.

And then I got kidnapped.

I was wrapping up my second glass and ready to actually call it a night when a guy who had come in with a gaggle of others was up at the bar ordering a drink. He commented on my tattoos and asked if I was alone. The fact that I was solo was unacceptable to him so he invited me to join the herd.

They seemed harmless enough so I joined them. Turns out, they were a mixture of friend groups that had all met over the course of the day. I suppose that’s what happens when you bother to socialize…

As I was new to the group, I was immediately interrogated. I mean, it was more one of them screaming at me “so what’s your story” and me having no idea what to say so I went with, “it’s available on Amazon.”

We chatted for a bit and eventually people broke off from the group and did their own thing. I was left with the friend group of the guy who originally kidnapped me. Apparently, it was kidnapper, his friend and his friend’s ex all on a trip together. They had others in their group that were elsewhere on the ship.

I was having an enjoyable enough time until kidnapper made it weird. We had gotten into the line of questioning about whether or not I was single and kidnapper came back to me with, “I’m married but not on this cruise.”

It was then that his intentions were clear and I was having absolutely none of it. I politely excused myself to go to the bathroom and promptly ran away to my room to actually, finally go to bed.

Thankfully he was drunk enough that whenever he saw me the rest of the trip, it didn’t register who I was. Needless to say, I didn’t end up back at the mixer the rest of the nights.

They do also have a singles mixer but it’s open to everyone so I feel like that adds in a whole new level of awkward.

Maybe, MAYBE, I’ll give it a try on the next trip.

I Made It Out Of My First Solo Cruise With All Of My Organs Intact

Well..

Remember, like, two posts ago when I was longing for my next cruise and I thought it wouldn’t be until January of next year? WE WERE ALL WRONG!

I would turn out that cruises get REALLY cheap during the fall when all the kids go back to school. I ended up snagging a really last minute Labor Day cruise but the only minor catch was that it was going to be a solo cruise since it was so last minute and during a time when normal people are working.

It also helps that I basically live on Royal Caribbean’s web site and am watching those prices like a damn hawk.

Apparently, people find it very strange that I’m perfectly okay with doing things on my own and there was a lot of weird concern that I would be on my own. Reality is, I spent a decade on the road, travelling around solo so I got used to doing “group activities” solo. Going to dinner, seeing a movie, zoos and aquariums? I got this.

The itinerary for this particular cruise was relatively identical to the last three cruises I’ve taken so I was very familiar with the ports and I was back on the Independence of the Seas which I had just been on in May. I actually treat excursions like I do theme parks- I’ll do stuff if the person/people I’m with want to do it, otherwise it’s not the end of my world if it doesn’t happen.

I also wanted to use the alone time to not only relax but get some much needed writing done since I have been stalled out on my new book.

One of my manager’s from the restaurant where I used to work would embark on solo cruises all the time, he loved it, and now I can see why.

The reality is, you’re going to meet and chat with new people whether you like it or not. Or, if you’re me, you’ll end up running into people you know, whether you like it or not (a story for a different time). Even if you don’t end up meeting new people, you end up overhearing some crazy shit and it makes it all worth it (another story). The point is, you will never be lonely while on a solo cruise.

I’d like to pretend that this whole post is going to be full of advice for solo cruisers but y’all have to remember that I enjoy being the most boring human on the planet.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- there is SO MUCH to do on the ship. If you are cruising solo and are nervous about leaving the ship, you’ll still have enough to do. There are amazing live shows to watch, trivia games, lectures and there’s taking all-important “me time.”

I ended up getting a lot of reading and writing done which was pretty much my goal. Soak up vitamin D, read some books that have been sitting on my shelf forever, and get the word count on the new book up to at least 25k and I was able to accomplish that while enjoying some time away from the world.

The only time things got a little weird was when I went to see the production of Grease. I had snagged the same spot I had been in for a show a couple days before and hoped I would be treated to the same, no one sitting around me, that I had enjoyed then.

I was joined by a rather chatty woman who very quickly reminded me too much of my mom for comfort. She had noticed my backpack and asked if I was working while on vacation. I mentioned that I was working on a new book and that naturally sparked more conversation. She had decided that we were now best friends and I was treated to a full life story.

At one point I had zoned out, cursing myself for sitting down 20 minutes early. It was brought back to reality when she mentioned, “illegal human organ harvesting on the black market” and my brain was like…

Sadly, it was not the strangest thing I had heard on this trip but it certainly took the cake.

She then ended up being the worst person to be sat next to during a show as she kept getting up (at one point almost being run over by the cast who was jaunting through the aisles of the theatre) and then pointing out various things happening on stage.

Yes, Sandy is over there on a balcony, I’m familiar with how live theatre works, thank you.

Far too much like my mom for comfort and I hated every minute of it.

Thankfully, after the show, I spotted the cruise director, Ricky, who I had met back in May so I stopped to chat with him for a spell because it gave me an excuse to not be near the organ-harvesting lady anymore.

I do have more stories to tell but I’ll leave it here for now. I survived my first solo cruise and didn’t wake up in a bathtub full of ice so I consider it a win.

If you are hoping for more insane stories and happenings, you are in luck! I’m going on a weekend cruise at the end of the month with Angela again and another solo trip at the end of October. And, for the record, I booked the January trip.

I’d like to pretend that I’m slowly becoming a cruise blogger. Wouldn’t that be something? Granted, I doubt any of my content about cruising is what Royal Caribbean is looking for.

Or are they?

Hit me up RCL, let’s make some magic.

How Are You Still Single? Oh, That Makes Sense.

As someone who is single in his 30’s, the most obnoxious question is always, “how are you still single?!” Its right up there with straight women who think, “OMG if you were into girls, I’d be all over you” is endearing.

I recently had an office therapy session* where we discussed my dating history and my absolute unwillingness to play the dating game anymore.

*Office therapy session is what I call it when someone comes into my office and we start chatting and then things get deep and real very fast and it turns out we both just need an actual therapist but we have no health insurance and live in America.

Earlier this year, I was seeing someone and we discussed that a bit as my therapy partner was familiar with the relationship. I didn’t write about it or really share it publicly because it wasn’t anything defined and (if I’m being honest) I never really share relationship stuff anyway because I firmly (and usually correctly) believe that it’s not anything that’s going to last. All good things.

We were together for a while without really defining anything and things eventually fizzled out and ended. Like they do.

I did have a moment of “I’ll download Tinder” again and that went as well as expected. First guy I matched with came back with “Boy, are you a guerrilla enclosure? Because I’d like to drop a child in you.”

And that was the end of that.

Recently, I had to spend a great deal of time at the vet. Lemon developed an aural hematoma and, thankfully, didn’t need surgery but we had to make several trips to the vet over the course of a couple months to check in on her recovery progress and see how much money I could charge to a single credit card.

Because things are still COVID-y, I spent 100% of the vet visits sitting in the waiting area while Lemon went off on a grand adventure. I actually think I spoke to the actual vet one time, while the rest of my experience was dealing with the vet techs.

One of the techs in particular was incredibly cute and very sweet. I dealt with him the most over the couple months that we spent back and forth to the office and it was magical.

I mean, Lemon hated every minute of it because it combined everything she hates: the cat carrier, the car and people who aren’t me.

On our last visit, I decided to dial and charm up to an 11 because, who knew when we would see each other again. Keep in mind that a Josh 11 is a normal person 2.5 at best. Also, it was luck of the draw that we ended up with him as our tech, but we did.

He called us up the counter and began running through the normal, beginning of appointment questions.

“How’s Lemon doing?”
“Pissed to be here but other than that, good.”
“Any nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, lack of appetite, excessive sleeping, exhaustion?”

Now, the answer to this question was no but I decided it was go time for the flirting.

Well, my brain only latched on to the last two things he said which were “excessive sleeping and exhaustion” and went with “I don’t know about her, but I sure do.”

At this time, my brain caught up with my stupid mouth and realized what I had just done.

After a moment of very awkward silence I finally said, “Nope, she’s good. I’m going to go sit down now.”

Shockingly, he didn’t profess his love for me right then and there and refuse to let me leave until I gave him my number and a promise of a date.

So this is now the story I tell when people ask me why I’m single.

I would really like to pretend that that was the only stupid thing that I said to this poor man while we were at the vet’s office that day but it wasn’t, we’re just going to leave it at that because it honestly didn’t get better.

Thankfully all the cats are nice and healthy and maybe by time we return, he’ll have forgotten how awkward I am… until I say something even stupider.

Do You Even Vegan Bro?

FAIR WARNING: If you clicked on this post thinking you were going to get an insightful entry about the joys and wonders of veganism (is that what it’s called?) then you are very much in the wrong spot and I’m going to very much encourage you to just go away now because, I’ll be honest in saying that I will never be in the mood to deal with your bull in the comments later. In addition, I’d like to point out that grammar check hates that sentence because it’s so damn long and I will not be changing a damn thing about it.

 This post is very much about a nightmare guest I had at my bar one night.

I have no idea why this story popped into my head the other day but it did, and as I very recently celebrated two years away from the nightmare that was working at a restaurant. It’s also been a hot minute since I’ve written about my bartender life (SEE: The Restaurant Revolution: Why I Left Industry and Why I’m Not Going Back) so I figured it was time to return.

I will, proudly, mention that the above-mentioned post found 15-minutes of fame back when I posted it, which is always a fun time for me. When it was making the rounds, plenty of people rightfully assumed I was talking about working for Chili’s. I was always tightlipped about where I worked when I wrote about it primarily to discourage stalking (I have been stalked before and did not enjoy it) and because of a weird sense of loyalty I felt to a company that treated me like shit. Even in my post raging against the industry, I still didn’t drop the name because I felt a wildly stupid need to protect them.

The Stockholm syndrome was real and I didn’t even realize it.

Anyway, back to my demon vegan story.

I was working the bar one night and this woman took a seat at my least favorite end of the bar, so I should have known she was going to be trouble.

SIDE NOTE: Yes, I had a side of the bar that I hated. It was the furthest spot from everything I needed to do my job and I just irritated me to no end. I’m not sure if other bartenders feel this was about spots on their bar top or if I’m just crazy but, here we are.

I greeted her and gave her a menu with the standard “let me know if you have any questions” and went about my duties as the world’s okayest bartender. I returned a few minutes later and the fun began. She started asking me about vegan options, at which point I directed her to the horrible little computers (at that time known as Ziosks) on the bar that gave a list of what was vegan, vegetarian, gluten free, etc. Her annoyance began immediately.

She began grilling me on different menu items and how to make them vegan friendly, and I continued to refer her to the ziosk because a) I really didn’t have a clue and b) I didn’t really have the time to baby step this woman through the whole damn Chili’s menu. Also, you’ve come to the place know very much for serving up as many dead animals as possible to someone at once. Seriously, Google the Boss Burger and tell me how much Chili’s cares about vegans.

She is getting pissed at me because of my lack of vegan knowledge and is essentially calling me an idiot for not bending over backwards for her. I just keep smiling and try to move things along by getting her to at least pick out something to drink.

Her response to that? She rolls her eyes and lets out with, “I bet you don’t even know how to make a vegan margarita.”

I. Am. Flummoxed.

“Um, margaritas are vegan,” I respond. I might not know much but I do know that there is nothing that came from an animal inside of a margarita. The drink is made of three ingredients: tequila, orange liquor, and lime juice. All of them come from plants. She chose to ignore me.

“Wow, they really need to train you people better, it’s not like this job is that hard.”

Through gritted teeth I ask again what she wants to drink and she finally just orders a Corona. (I think… I was either Corona or Coors Light- both are standing out in my brain right now.)

With the drink portion of the meal experience taken care of, we are back to the meal. This woman has honed in on the salad portion of the menu so we are getting somewhere. I just looked at the Chili’s menu to try and jog my memory about what salad we could have possibly been talking about but it looks like they’ve removed quite a bit since my time with them so who knows.

She continues to be awful and belittling and eventually orders a salad. Considering it was a salad I knew that the most that really needed to be done to make it vegan friendly was to remove the cheese from it and the only dressing option was one of the vinaigrettes.

Then, after all of that, THIS BITCH ASKS THAT I ADD SALMON TO HER SALAD!

At that point I wasn’t even going to ask any questions as I had very much lost my patience with the situation and let it be. I put in the order and carried on with my life because this woman was clearly not right in the head. When the salad came out, I had noticed that the kitchen had put the normal toppings on the salmon which included queso fresco crumbles but my capacity for giving a shit had ended.

I dropped off the plate and asked if she wanted another drink. She once again asked me if I had any idea how to make a vegan margarita and I just stared at her because I really didn’t know how to response anymore.

She took a silence as my answer and said, “this is why people end up in jobs like this, they are incapable of learning” and then she dug into her salmon covered salad.

It’s stories like this that remind me why I can’t even fathom the idea of returning to the service industry. Between the stupidity of people and how rude they can be, it’s just not worth it.

WILDLY UNRELATED: While writing this post, I was watching the movie Hell Fest which is currently available on Netflix and it is not great. Do with that information what you will.

Scandal on the High Seas; or, My Perfect Day at CocoCay

Y’all if you ever want to wildly scandalize an entire cruise ship from your fellow passengers right through the captain of the ship- you should skip out on visit CocoCay.

I should mention that I highly doubt that Captain Gus really cared whether I got off the ship in CocoCay but I’d like to believe it was true. I can tell you that our room attendant, server, bartender, activities director and literally every person we talked to on the second day of our cruise was VISIBILY UPSET about it.

I have been on four cruises in my life so far (I would really like that number to be higher but my bank account disagrees with that emotion).

UNRELATED: I’m in the market for one of those Sugar Daddy relationships where I literally have to do nothing but enjoy spending his money on me. Me on a cruise makes me happy. Me happy makes you happy. SEND ME ON MORE CRUISES!

UPDATE: I’ve been informed that there are actually apps and websites that you can use to match with a sugar daddy. If this isn’t the darkest timeline then it is the weirdest for sure.

RANDOM THOUGHT: Should I find one and sign up… you know… for the blog?

UPDATE: I’m honestly too afraid to search for that, I’m pretty sure I’m already on a number of FBI Watch lists…

My first time to CocoCay was back in 2018 when the island was under construction. This is when I was on the cruise with my sister. I think we lasted about an hour or so before we got bored, hot and sick of all the other people so we went back to the ship. On the 2019 cruise, we were scheduled to hit CocoCay but the ocean had other thoughts about that so we spent an extra day in Nassau.

If I’m being honest, we never would have gone in 2019 because our plan was to never leave ship.

So technically, I really haven’t been to CocoCay since 2018 doesn’t really count (according to other people) and obviously it just didn’t happen in 2019.

Cut to 2022 and my latest cruise and, much like in 2019, my plan was to never leave the ship. I guess this idea sounds insane to people but it is honestly my dream come true. When the ship is docked at port, everyone leaves, when everyone leaves, I HAVE THE SHIP TO MYSELF!

I’ve never been much of a “sit on the beach” person and I look at a cruise much like I look at visiting the theme parks- if I’m with someone who has something they absolutely want to do, I’ll do it. Otherwise, I’m perfectly content with keeping it simple.

On top of that, we weren’t the only ship at port in CocoCay that day so essentially double the number of people would be on the island while we were there. I’m not a people person so I really enjoyed just having the downtime on the ship with the few people that stayed behind as well.

I also don’t think people realize that there’s a good amount of things to do on the ship during port days. Trivia, art shows, workshops, etc. It is an absolute blast if you enjoy some downtime without the crowds.

Honestly now that I write that, I think I might take the time on my next cruise to be a decent blogger and write about all the things you can do on a cruise without leaving the ship.

Jesus, is this what it’s like to be a good blogger?

Fuck.

If you are wondering, I’m already eyeing some cruises for next year. My goal is for another journey at sea in January 2023. It’s likely going to be a solo cruise which I’ve never done before so if anyone has advice on cruising solo, I’m all ears. Whether it’s staying on the ship or exploring something in port. Might be fun.

Otherwise, I’m likely going to sit on the ship and work on my new book depending on where I’m at with it at that time.

Hey, Philippines… You Good Fam?

I’m fairly certain that if I were any other human being, I would have been excited by the series of notifications I got from WordPress last week.

For the record, my blog here is hosted by WordPress. Hosted as in where I pay for my blog to live. They don’t give me free blog. Well it could be free because they offer that but I pay for it. And they don’t pay me for it. Basically what I’m saying is that this isn’t an ad for WordPress. They don’t care that I’m here.

At any rate. While I was on the cruise last week, I received a fun notification from WordPress that my blog has surpassed 100,000 views. 

As I am a terrible blogger, I have no idea if this is an amazing milestone or just another Saturday afternoon for any other blogger.

It’s confusing because I’ve been on WordPress for 9 years according to a recent notification from them but THIS blog, Avoiding Neverland (formally Josh’s Universe) hasn’t been around as long. The 9 years celebrates the birth of “Breaking Down Digital Walls.” You know… my other neglected blog.

Based on the first post, I started this blog in March 2015 so… Avoiding Neverland is 7 years old. 100,000 views on this blog in 7 year.

Also, I just got curious and looked at the views on “Breaking Down Digital Walls” over the past 9 years. As of writing this, it’s sitting pretty at 40,633. I’ll take it considering I have been horrible at posting there and it’s an educational blog and all that jazz.

So I guess it’s pretty cool that my weird little blog has been viewed over 100,000 times. According to the stats it’s been viewed by over 74,000 visitors. Which I don’t know if that’s individuals or if multiple visits by the same people on different days is counted…. Someone who is better at this than I am probably knows.

So, the reason for my writing today is that I’m very concerned about what’s going on in the Philippines.

In addition to getting the notification that I hit 100,000 views, I got a few notifications over a couple days that my “stats are booming!” This is always cause for concern because I then have to stop and wonder what stupid thing I said that was potentially going to get me in trouble.

Turns out a post from June of 2018 has been making the rounds overseas and racking up a decent view count. The post in question is “Reasons Why You Probably Shouldn’t Date Me” which was written as something of a joke but also a giant warning to others. (I went back to look at the post and fell down the rabbit hole of my own blog… I don’t remember writing “Dating in 2017; or, Why I’m Gonna Die Alone” but there it is.)

I’ll likely never know why the post is going crazy right now… in the Philippines…

This is up there with the time my post about how much I hate DoorDash went nuts in Australia not too long ago. Same thing was happening- booming stats with no explaination.

For reference I’m talking about my post “Here’s Why Doordash is Evil, Especially During Quarantine.”

So, if anyone has any insight as to what the heck is happening, please let me know. Maybe someone in the Philippines wants to date me and their on the fence about it so they keep going back to the blog post.

I have a new passport, just send me a ticket and I’ll come meet you in person and offer undeniable proof as to why you shouldn’t date me. I’m great on paper, so much worse in person.

UPDATE: While searching for photos to use as a cover for this post, I fell down a rabbit hole of the Philippines and now I want to visit… so I’m now pretty certain that this was an elaborate conspiracy on behalf of the Philippines tourism bureau (is that a thing?) to get me to visit them and… it’s working. I also have always wanted to go to Australia.

Fuck, that’s some good advertising.