Josh Gunderson's Blog, page 8

Do We Even Know What a Millennial Is Anymore

My life is really nothing if not the full embodiment of the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.”

If you recall, I started a podcast back in April since life in quarantine gave me the time to finally get it going. There were five episodes recorded and launched out to the world and it… wasn’t great. But it was all a learning process. I realized that the direction we were going in wasn’t one I was happy with or really leading to any sort of fulfillment.

Rather than give up I decided to pull a Hollywood move and reboot. I removed the original episodes, retooled the image of the podcast and got to work making something I could be proud of. And I think I finally did it!

Which leads me to the point of this post- which I probably should have written on Monday but it’s been a weird week.

The rebooted edition of The Millennial Agenda launched this past Monday and I invited two of my friends from back in Boston to join me in answering the question “What Even Is a Millennial?” and naturally it all took a very weird and beautiful turn as we navigated trying to figure it all out.

You can check out the episode here:

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“What’s Behind The Black Curtain?”

New episodes will be posted every Monday and you can find them wherever you listen to Podcasts. Let me know what you think!

Halloween Horror Nights 30: Where Do We Go From Here

When I put on my schedule to write a post about Halloween Horror Nights today, I had something completely different in mind for what I was going to talk about. I should know better than to try and plan anything in the year 2020. What a fool I am.

Because today we finally got an announcement about Halloween Horror Nights after months of agonizing silence.

Halloween Horror Nights has been cancelled.

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Like many, my heart is broken but I’ll be honest in that I wasn’t sure I would have even gone to the event this year. This is a sentiment that I have repeated a lot over the past couple weeks as people have asked if I knew anything about HHN. My go-to thought was “I know how stupid people act during the event in normal times, I don’t want to see how they’re going to act now.”

FOR REFERENCE: How Not to Be An A-Hole At Halloween Horror Nights

While we know that construction and hiring for Halloween Horror Nights has been happening, we knew very little about the event itself with Universal remaining uncharacteristically tight-lipped about the event and for good reason. The world is ending. For those of us that are diehard fans of the event, it’s been hard to cope with not knowing anything with the start date inching closer and closer. We did see the façade for the Tribute Store go up this past week which inspired some hope.

I was cautiously optimistic because, again, I wasn’t sure at what capacity I would be participating in the event.

With the news breaking this morning that the event would not be taking place, all of this is rendered moot. I’m actually quite proud of the fandom of HHN for now going to the crazy Disney Passholder route of being angry at everyone and everything. Matter of fact the only in-fighting that I’ve seen so far has been someone accusing someone else of being racist for some reason.

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I think we had all been slowly accepting that this cancellation was going to come all while holding on some hope. Naturally, there is a lot of disappointment and frustration but I think what’s important right now is to point all that energy towards those that let us get to this point.

Twitter seems to ge a different story where some people are PISSED and I have been snacking on their rage all day.

Regardless of how anyone feels, I truly believe that Universal was doing everything they could to bring this event to us this year, but the reality was it just couldn’t happen.

Who’s to blame? Look north to Tallahassee. Look even further to the White House. The disgusting lack of leadership in our state and country is what is to blame. People who refuse to wear masks are to blame. Please who have refused to take this seriously are to blame.

At this point I think it’s important to note that my anger right now isn’t just because of the cancellation of Halloween Horror Nights. This is all the pent up rage and frustration that I have felt through all of this.

I have found myself asking the same question over and over today from the first moment my phone rang with a local new outlet wanting my opinion about the cancellation-

How did we get here?

We are months into this pandemic and things are only getting worse. We have an administration both locally and federally that has not taken this seriously at all. Calling it a conspiracy and wrongly casting doubt upon experienced scientists in an effort to save face. An administration that has spent more time casting blame upon others rather than standing up and taking action to help protect lives.

But no.

I could also, EASILY, get into the anti-maskers and the Trumpers who seem to think this is all a hoax. And some day I would just LOVE to touch on the people touting “My body, my choice” signs who are also anti-abortion.

And let me just say that if you are more upset about a Halloween event being cancelled then you were for the murder of George Lloyd or Breonna Taylor then you are a shining example of the privilege that plagues this country worse than the Coronavirus.

That’s gonna be a whole other TEDtalk.

The biggest questions we need to be asking ourselves, on the whole, is-

Where do we go from here?

In Orlando, an event like Halloween Horror Nights brings the promise of hundreds if not thousands of jobs for performers, technicians, artists, bartenders, and support staff. Additionally the boost the local economy is tremendous.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that once everyone has moved out of their mourning stage for the event it’s time to take action.

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The cancellation of the event will leave hundreds still without a job and put a great many out of a job period. The additional federal money to subsidize unemployment ends this week with no extension in sight as the powers that be keep fighting like angry tweens.

So when we’re done being sad, let’s be angry:

Write your representatives and demand further direct aid for those economically displaced, our creative teams, techs, scareactors, and everyone else who have been working hard to make this event happen that no find themselves abruptly out of work. Remember that many families have lost a lot more than a Halloween event this year, and if you are so blessed to have your health at this time, be grateful. Recognize that until we set our selfishness aside and 95% or more of us wear a dual-layered mask or face covering in public, we are going to continue to lose ground in the fight against COVID-19.

Most importantly- FUCKING VOTE.

If you’re mad, frustrated and scared right now, remember the people who put us in this position and let them know in November that you aren’t willing to put up with their shit anymore.

For those looking for work who are not at risk, maybe consider looking into working at the polls. In order to make sure that we have polling places open for access to all, they need staff and normally this is done by elderly members of our communities. This is not really an option for them in these uncertain times so consider looking into that. There is still a need for census workers so that is also an option.

My thoughts are with all of you who are hit the hardest by loss. Let’s hope we can all work harder to do better and get us back to work!

The Return of the Basic White Girls (And They’re Pissed)(But Not Really)

For any of this post to make sense you’re going to need to flash back to this lovely post from last month: “Do You Want Basic White Girls? Because This is How You Get Basic White Girls!”

TL;DR: Someone randomly left a case of White Claw on my doorstep and I still have no idea why.

We’re a little over a month since the random drive-by White Claw incident and I had pretty much put it out of my mind and went about my life.

THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN!

July 17th was just another day for me. I woke up, went to work, did stuff. Everything was perfectly normal. Following work I hit up Target because I needed groceries. I spent some time judging people who were apparently above following county mandates for wearing masks. Also judged some people who don’t seem to realize that if your nose isn’t covered, that mask isn’t doing shit.

Unless you were taking a break to snort some coke maybe? Though I can’t imagine that’s a smart pastime right now.

It’s not smart any time but at this point, anything goes.

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I went home not thinking anything of the day until I climbed the stairs to my front door and found this:

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WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

This has become the internet’s greatest mystery.

I had asked around to my neighbors last time this happened and I wasn’t about to do it again. I really don’t want to be known as the crazy White Claw guy. My community is gated and since we’re still pretty locked down, I have only had one person over to my new place and he definitively wouldn’t have done this. Plus he had never been there until after the first mystery delivery.

The thought then went to maybe it was a delivery service but since this is “alcohol”, it would require a signature to be delivered and wouldn’t just be left on a doorstep.

So now I’m left with yet another case of this stuff.

I’m going to need a sugar daddy to buy me a ring doorbell so I can catch this crazy person and let them know that if they’re going to leave free booze- I’d prefer whiskey.

Don’t Mistake My Silence for Complacency: I’m Still Learning

For so many reasons, it is a strange time to be a blogger. Over the past couple months my writing has almost slowed to a halt and if my Instagram account was a child, I’m certain social services would have taken it away from me by now. I’m still active on my Twitter because it’s where I go to unleash my stupidity for the day and no week is complete without slightly trolling the Universal Studios Orlando account (because Halloween Horror Nights is king and everything else is bottom tier—I will not be taking questions at this time.).

For the most part my absence from the world of the internet has gone either unnoticed or was understandable considering the state of the world- especially Florida where we have become a joke to the rest of the world. Some have noticed my absence and decided it was important for them to comment about it in some weird ways. Like this one message I received on Instagram that I shall boil down because it was a rambling mess but the intent was clear- you have an influence online through a blog, Instagram and other digital means- why aren’t you saying more?

They are referencing my perceived silence on Black Lives Matter, which, I have more than once, brought up on Twitter and have posted about on Instagram. A big part of my social media absence is that it feels painfully stupid and selfish to go back to online business as usual on my social feed. My last post pretty much summed up all my feelings:

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We can get into a greater debate about candy corn at another time.

When it comes to micro-blogging my feelings, I believe I have been clear on the subject. My mantra as of late has been “Wear a Mask and Arrest the Cops that Murdered Breonna Taylor”.

The reason I haven’t written in grander detail is because I don’t, honestly know what to say beyond, I’m still learning.

I’m shocked and appalled by how much we aren’t taught in school about the true history of our country. I’m hurting so much for all of those who are in pain, not just now, but through history. More-so I’m disgusted with the country I call home and the idiot that we put in charge of it. Granted, I didn’t vote for him but our shitty systems put him in the white house.

I am cis-gendered, gay white man. I am no expert on racial injustice. I didn’t choose my skin color and I can shed the privilege that it affords me. Whether I realize it or not, I am afforded far more than people of other racial groups, genders and ethnicities. I recognize this and I am angered by the fact that people with a different skin color or gender aren’t given those same privileges.

I’m beyond frustrated and I know that my emotions are nowhere near those who have endured so much more than I could possibly imagine.

So I’m learning.

I have spent the past two months educating myself, which I believe can be one of the best things anyone can do. Knowledge is power.

I feel it would be wildly self-involved to chronicle this learning process so rather I’ll share the books that I have purchased and been reading:

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There is still so much to learn but this is the beginning. I’m more than open to anything else people can send my way to educate myself.

Beyond that, I’m heading the advice and following the lead of the people of color in my life. This is not my battle to lead but it sure is one that I’m going to fight in.

A Walk Down Memory Lane; or, 5 Kids Fight Off An Alien Invasion

It all started in a Scholastic book fair, like most things did in the 90’s. That book fair was pretty much the greatest thing in the history of the universe. Do they still do them?

They do. Apparently they are a nightmare for the people at the school running it but it’s Christmas come early for students.

And remember those order forms you’d get like once a month? I remember sitting at my desk or at home, marking off everything I wanted, spending money that I didn’t have. Those were the days and I’m 100% okay with going back to them. There really is no going back to that amazing. I guess the closest thing to it would be when you’re two glasses of wine into your evening and searching around Amazon.

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But that’s where this story starts. A book caught my eye because of the nature of cover. Sure, you should never judge a book by it’s cover but I did and I regret nothing. It was a teenage boy turning into a hawk and boy did I have some questions. Here’s the cover:

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To the left of that same book was another with a girl turning into a cat, to the right was a girl turning into a dolphin.

WHAT WAS HAPPENING?!

And this was my introduction to the Animorphs.

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At this point I was very much a Goosebumps kid and absolutely loved devouring them so Animorphs was a logical move for me. Now there was even more to purchase at the book fair! It’s a bummer that I no longer have any of these books. They were left behind on various moves from parent to parent during my childhood. Considering it’s been about 20 years since I last thought about them, it’s safe to assume they’ve all moved on to someone else’s collection.

OMG I’m pretty sure a bunch of my old books have a sticker in them saying “This Book Belongs to the Personal Library of Joshua Gunderson” or something to that affect. Let me know if you have one- that would be funny. Unlikely but still funny.

I’m trying really hard to remember when I stopped reading the books. I have never finished the series and looking at the list of books and descriptions my best guess is that I stopped reading them less than halfway through around book 23 or 24. This makes sense because this was around the time that I moved to live with my dad in California. We lived in a small town so my access to new books was limited. When I lived with my mom before it was easy to walk to the nearby Stop & Shop and pick up the newest book each month. With my dad trips to anywhere that sold books was limited.

At this point I know most of the details of how it all ends because I live a world where the internet exists. But I thankfully live in a world where the internet exists! It would turn out that the entire series and companion books (excluding the “Choose Your Own Adventure” Style ‘Alternamorphs’) is available for free download in PDF form.

So you best believe I loaded those bad boys on my tablet!

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As of writing this I’ve re-read the first five books in the series. Considering it’s been almost 25 years since I first picked up the series you can imagine my surprise that my parents ever let me read these books.

Mild Spoilers Ahead

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There is nothing in the way of foul language, aggressive sexual content (really any sexual content), drugs, alcohol- nope nothing that would cause a church lady to clutch her pearls. Nah, we get a hell of a lot deeper than that stuff.

Hell, they could have had a Stephen King-style child orgy in the middle of the book and THAT would be the tamest part of the whole thing.

Book 1 sees the death of a character within the first couple chapters! We meet Prince Elfangor, an Andalite Prince who crash lands on earth. You’d think that this would be an important character you’d want to keep around to help our new Earth heroes and- NOPE BITCH JUST GOT CONSUMED BY ANOTHER MEMBER OF HIS RACE THAT TRANSFORMED INTO A BIG MONSTER-ALIEN AND ATE HIM!!!

You also learn that one of the main character’s brother has been infested by an alien that is controlling his every action and if that wasn’t enough- the books ends with one of the main characters getting stuck forever in the body of a hawk.

Not to mention these teenage protagonists are forced to kill fellow human beings as early as this first book. Granted it’s an implied dead but it’s right there in the text:

“Cassie had gotten away clean. It had been the suspicious Controller policeman who had grabbed her. He was the only Controller to know her name, where she lived, and that she had been spying on The Sharing. Cassie said we didn’t have to worry about him anymore.

She didn’t want to talk about what had happened to him.”

– The Invasion

Ya know, just kid things.

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Not enough for you? Book 3 that same character stuck as a hawk contemplates bestiality, eats a mouse, and attempts suicide. Book 4? One of the characters, while morphed into the body of a dolphin, gets ripped apart by sharks. Book 5? Why not have our heroes almost be ripped apart by an army of ants and show early signs of PTSD for their trouble. Oh, and one of their mothers who everything thought had died two years prior is actually the leader of the alien invasion.

If my parents only knew.

I mean, in the grand scheme of things, Animorphs hit on a lot of the same themes as the Harry Potter books with the difference being that Potter eased you in. We didn’t see the death of a major character in the wizarding world until the very end of Goblet of Fire. Sure there were some bad things that happened to Harry and company over the course of the first few books but it took a solid three years of readers within that world to be emotionally ripped apart.

Animorphs didn’t have time for that nonsense- this was war.

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That all said, there’s a very good chance I’ll be writing more on the topic as I work my way through the series.

Any Animorphs readers out there?! LET’S CHAT!!!

I Owe That Raccoon A Lot of Money

If you would have told me at the beginning of 2020 that I would be spending an inordinate amount of time catching fish in order to sell them in an effort to pay back a massive home load to a raccoon—I would have wondered what the hell you were on and if you were willing to share.

Flash to May of 2020 and we’re in a whole new world.

I caved to some intense FOMO and joined the cult-like world of Animal Crossing: New Horizons. I’m just as shocked as the rest of you- totally not my scene but 2020 has been a raging dumpster fire so we might as well roll with it.

Now, before this year, I had never head of Animal Crossing. I mean, I’m sure I’ve heard it in passing but I’m not a big video game person so it wasn’t anything I would have invested any time in. This changed after the launch of New Horizons because suddenly all of my social media feeds were filled with questions about Turnips and people obsessing over heavily anthropomorphized animals.

I had questions.

I knew Ashley-Michelle and her roommates were obsessed with the game so when I went to visit them for a haircut, I asked for clarification on EVERYTHING about the game. They patiently answered my questions with great enthusiasm but I still wasn’t sold. I had been perfectly content spending my newfound free time watching Netflix and playing Candy Crush. Why mess with a good thing?

During my interrogation of the trio about the game, they mentioned one of their villagers was a bit of a bitch and they wanted to kick her off of the island. They mentioned that if I was playing I could come visit their village and help in their daily torment of her to make her leave.

Tempting…

At this point in the game, I was heading back to work so all thoughts on animals and their crossing left my mind. It was almost a week before I thought about it again. I messaged our group chat and asked about the bitchy mouse. She was still there. I joked about finding a Switch to buy so I could help drive the mouse away. I was met with a resounding, “DO IT.”

I had gotten some gift cards for my birthday and those bad boys were burning a hole in my pocket. I thought, ‘what the hell?!’ and went for it. Finding a Switch wasn’t easy since everyone and there brother was sold out. I ended up finding one at a GameStop an hour away. I ordered it online and set on a journey to go pick it up. This was in May when things were still pretty locked down- there was literally nothing else to be doing.

I rushed home with excitement to get started on my journey to harass a video game mouse.

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I got the hang of things pretty quick but there was a lot to lean. Thankfully a bunch of people I know were fans of the game and I was added to a Facebook group dedicated to nerding out about Animal Crossing. I’m so thankful for these folks because they were a BIG help in getting me started in the game, especially since I still had A LOT of questions.

Funny enough, the bitch mouse moved out before I had a chance to harass her.

This was fine because I had my own villagers to worry about now. And they were awesome enough to celebrate my birthday with me.

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It was extra sad because my birthday was the day after I started playing so my island was trash and nothing super special happened. Since we were still in lockdown it was nice to have someone to wish me happy birthday. I spent the day with my villagers eating sushi and drinking whiskey… that last part was in the real world in case that was unclear. Granted, if there was a way for my Animal Crossing character to sit on the beach with a handle of Jameson and drink while looking wistfully of into the distance…. I’m down.

I also got stung by a hornet so… that was fun. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWOLLEN FACE!

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And while I never did get to harass the mouse I’ve taken to yelling at the snot child that shows up every Sunday. Yes, she has an actual name but she’s a snot child and we all know it!

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Needless to say I’ve settled into the life of an Animal Crossing Islander and I’m fully addicted. Now that I’ve unlocked a number of things to do around the island, I’ve been working my butt off to create a nice island paradise.

It’s only sad because now all I want to do is talking about Animal Crossing to anyone who will listen. Thankfully a number of my co-workers play but a majority don’t and those folks are quite sick of listening to me talk about it….

BUT COME ON HOW CUTE IS SIMON!

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Yes, I’m aware I have a problem…

A Beginners Guide to Not Being an A-Hole at a Restaurant: Pandemic Edition

Alright people- this is happening. Frankly, it’s been a long time coming. I’ve been working in restaurants for over four years now and, for the most part, I’ve kept my server rage to myself. A lot of times I’ll think about writing something in the moment and then I don’t end up doing it because I get home and I’m too tired to think and then I’ve calmed down.

But times are different and after two weeks of being back at work, I’m annoyed enough with the world that this shit is going to be said.

I really don’t know what I expected when I returned to work a couple weeks ago. I was excited to be back and making some sort of money since Florida Unemployment is a raging dumpster fire. I had really thought that anyone choosing to dine out in these crazy times would be patient and kind and understanding. While I didn’t expect money flying at me hand over fist, I expected people to be a bit more generous when it came to tipping.

Boy was I so damn wrong.

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I will be honest in saying that not everyone has been a giant douche-canoe of a human being but enough have to make me shoot flames out of my ears. To be honest, working right now is mentally and physically exhausting. We’re at reduced hours but I’m still coming home feeling like I just ran a damn marathon. Everything hurts, including my brain.

So I’ve decided to let ya’ll know what’s what when it comes to dining out during these crazy times (and frankly during regular times in some cases).

SO BUCKLE THE FUCK UP KAREN- THIS IS HAPPENING!

TIP YOUR DAMN SERVERS

The minimum wage for tipped employees in the United States is $2.13 an hour. Thankfully, most states have a higher minimum- Florida, for example, is at $5.54 as of the beginning of 2020. But that’s still pennies once you take out taxes and everything. My most recent paycheck after returning to work was for $11.46.

My point- we rely very much on tips to survive. More so, we are putting ourselves at a lot of great personal risk to return to work to wait on you. Many of the people I work with have had next to no luck with Florida unemployment so returning to work felt like the best option. If you don’t tip, we don’t make money.

My first night back I was royally stiffed by a table. They were so rude I actually asked my manager if I was being punk’d because there was no way anyone could be this terrible, especially in these times. I wasn’t, they were just horrible people. After running me ragged and treating me like shit, they tipped $2 on a $60 check.

At least once a shift after that first night, I would get stiffed by a table in that fashion. Normally, I’m not the type to look table by table but rather focus on what I’m taking home at the end of the night. But when I came to the end of a 7 hour shift on a Saturday night and walked out of the building with $45.00, I was a bit annoyed.

MORE SO- You servers have to tip out. Thankfully, I am the bartender and I don’t have to tip anyone at the end of the night but the normal servers do. I reached the point where I told servers not to tip me out because they were making so little money- it didn’t seem right for me to take more from them.

One night one of my co-workers took a party who stiffed her on a pretty significant check. When you do that, you actually cost that server money. If I had not said no to tip share- she would have essentially paid to wait on that table.

Ya’ll fought so hard to get things reopened- your “thanks” isn’t enough to pay our bills- your default tip should start at 20% and only go up from there.

WE. ARE. STRESSED.

One of my regulars came in and admitted that he was shocked to see me back upon the Phase 1 reopening. I was too but we have Florida’s unemployment system to thank for that. At the time I was still waiting to get paid by them. This was the case for many of the few servers who returned. We had no income and it was getting scary. Many of the returning servers are parents and needed the money to take care of their family and DEO was giving us nothing.

I didn’t feel super great about returning to work but I wanted to be able to pay my bills and have food to eat so I sacrificed my safety to come back.

So yeah, I’m stressed the fuck out. Many of us are. So keep that in the back of your mind when you go out to eat. We’re not thrilled about being back to work and it has nothing to do with being lazy- we’re scared of getting sick but we’re even more scared about losing our homes and starving.

Even more- we don’t know what we are bringing home. My first few nights back at work I was coming home and stripping on my doorstep and immediately running them to the washer to be cleaned. I calmed down a bit over time (I stopped putting on a show for my neighbors) but I was worried I was bringing something home. So my clothes were still being washed every night the moment I got home and I was taking scalding hot showers. Do you have any idea just how stressful that is?

THIS MASK IS NOW A PART OF MY REQUIRED UNIFORM

Let me go ahead and share this story with you.

First Guest of the Night:

CRANKY OLD MAN: (referring to my mask) I can’t hear you with that damn thing on, you need to take it off.

ME: I’m sorry I’m not allowed for my safety and yours.

CRANKY: Well I’m sorry because I’m not allowed to tip you if you’re wearing a mask.

At this point in the game I’ve seen all sides of crazy when it comes to people. Some of the biggest “conspiracy theorists” have tried to educate me in my civil rights and tell me that I don’t have to wear a mask if I don’t want to. My retort to that is quite simple- the mask is now a required part of my uniform. Even if it wasn’t I would still be wearing it for the safety of my guests.

Now that our county has issued an order requiring everyone to wear masks expect for obviously during eating and drinking- I can only imagine how people are going to act. I just keep referencing those signs you see on occasion- “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service”. Just add masks to that.

YES THERE ARE EMPTY TABLES- NO YOU CAN’T SIT THERE

Business has definitely been picking up. My first night back was slow as hell and I walked away with $45 after a seven-hour shift… which sucked- but things have been picking up. In the state of Florida, restaurants can operate at 50% capacity, which means we aren’t using at least half of our tables. Weekends have certainly been picking up which is nice but people are still twat-waffles.

The other day a family came in expecting to be sat right away. When they were told there would be a wait the mom FLIPPED OUT on the poor host.

“What do you mean we have to wait- half these tables are empty!”

“We are operating at 50% capacity due to the regulations in place”

“That’s ridiculous!”

Ya’ll- it’s the law. We don’t control the law.

PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED- DAMN IT.

Once upon a time, our lounge was self-seating. Which was annoying as hell in the best of times because naturally people would want to sit at the only dirty table and would be dicks about it. It’s worse now.

Management tried to tell me that it was still self-seating and I argued that we really can’t do that. We have to disinfect every table every time we clean it.

The other day I cleared a table but hadn’t gotten around to wiping it yet. It was very obvious that the table was still dirty. The host had wandered off and two gentlemen went ahead and sat themselves at that table (I won’t even go into how I had three very clean tables they could have gone to).They complained that the table was wet and I said I was going to have to move them because people just left it and it needed to be cleaned and disinfected. They were fine about it, thankfully but others have been a pain.

This was actually when I got into the argument with management about it. Because I felt that A) the host should be at the stand whenever they’re not seating a table and B) the bar area can’t be self-seating right now because we need to make sure we clean the tables!

This leads me to:

YOU’LL SIT WHERE WE PUT YOU AND YOU’LL LIKE IT

Not only are we working at a reduced capacity but we’re working with a skeleton crew. There have been some nights where there would be me in the bar/lounge and another server in the dining room and that was it. Two people running the show. Yes, we’re at reduced capacity but that’s still a lot for just two people. We’d work on a rotation to keep things even and fair but also to lighten the load on each server.

Problem is that people who have never worked in a restaurant can’t get that through their skulls.

Yeah- I get that you want a booth but right now I just have tables- deal with it.

One day I was by myself during the shift change which wasn’t a big deal. People were trickling in an a good pace and I had things under control. Until one family came in and was so damn insulted that we tried to seat them at a table. But it was the only thing available in my section. She insisted that they be sat at one of the open booths elsewhere. Even after it was explained that there was only one server on at the moment and that was outside of their section- she couldn’t be swayed.

So her and her kids were sat well outside of my purview. I’m the type where if I can’t see you- I’m going to forget about you.

And I did.

If you’re making the choice to go out to eat right now, you need to respect that we have to operate a certain way and you’re going to have to deal.

And on that same vein-

YEAH- THINGS ARE GOING TO TAKE A BIT LONGER THAN YOU’RE USED TO

As you begin to venture back out into the world you need to realize that nothing is like it used to be. The world has changed and you need to understand that the “normal” you are used to is gone. The same goes for dining out.

As companies are reopening, they are doing to with skeleton crews. Some because their employees might be too uncomfortable returning to work and others because they are trying to save on payroll. Just because things are opening doesn’t mean these businesses are rolling in money right now. Also it’s important to remember with restaurants that just because the dining room doesn’t seem busy- doesn’t mean the kitchen isn’t busy. To-Go business is booming right now and they are working their asses off back there.

More so, there are new regulations we have to follow. When I first started back we had to wear gloves and change them at each touch-point. Basically what that means is every time I touched something new, I had to change my gloves. It was annoying.

They since did away with that because it was creating a lot of waste (as a bartender I was going through almost a box and a half of gloves a night). This also made things very slow going.

Even with removing gloves from the equation, things are still slow because of how much we need to wash our hands. Granted, as a server, you wash your hands a ton as it is but now we’ve had to double and even triple that amount.

We don’t want to get sick and we don’t want to get you sick. So understand that means things are going to move slower because we have extra steps to take for your safety.

CONTROL YOUR CROTCH GOBLINS

At the best of times you shouldn’t let your children go running around a restaurant. They get in the way and up the risk of a server dropping something. I damn near lost a tray once because a child running full speed around a corner nearly took me out. Had that try fallen on him- a trip to the hospital would have been involved.

It shocks me that even with a pandemic people still aren’t controlling their kids. They are running around and touching EVERYTHING. Yeah, I get that they want to play with the little computers on the table but has it been cleaned? You don’t know. They are running around touching everything and you don’t know who else has been touching it. More so we have to reclean anything they touch with is taking time away from taking care of our guests. Control them or leave them at home.

SOMETIMES WE RUN OUT OF STUFF, GET OVER IT

There’s an interesting side-effect of this pandemic that people doesn’t seem to understand. The interesting ripple effect that comes from things closing down. As business slowed and demand for certain things dropped- supplies became scarce.

As an effort to save money we might not be ordering like we were before which means we’re going to run out of things. For example, most liquor vendors require a minimum order of $300. If we just need a couple things- we’re not going to spend the money over ordering just to meet that minimum. So I’m sorry you can’t get a shot of Fireball right now Chad- get some real liquor like a damn adult.

DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET

Our county has been on and off curfews, which has affected hours. Our company decided to close an hour earlier which mean Sun-Thurs at 10 and Fri/Sat at 11. No this isn’t reflected when you search us online or ever on the hours on the door. This has led to many people yelling at me when making last call or even when the come in right at close and being informed that we were closing. Yeah, Google shows our old hours but they also have a note saying that COVID-19 may have affected these hours so please call.

SITTING RIGHT BEFORE CLOSING TIME IS A DICK MOVE

This actually applied for when we reach our new “normal”. Coming in and sitting down five minutes before close is a dick move. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. We still have a ton of work to do before we can go home and we’re only making $5.54 an hour to do it. The longer you keep us there, the longer we are working for basically no money.

Worse is if you are still waiting on people.

We had a group come in about 15 minute before close, which is also last call. They were a party of 5 but only three were there. We told them we were closing soon and they started hemming and hawing about whether they actually wanted to stay. As time ticked on we kept letting them know that we were coming up on closing. They finally decided to sit 5 minutes before close. They wasted ten minutes. Then they tried to order alcohol. I denied them, which caused them to pitch a fit. They had been warned. On top of that, we were out of certain things simply because at the end of the night it makes no sense to make a full batch of something for one person. They weren’t thrilled. They ended up ordering to-go and leaving but it still added 30 minutes to my night and the cook’s because they couldn’t make up their minds.

Don’t do that.

BRING SOME DAMN COMPASSION TO THE TABLE

We’ve been out of work for months and jumping back in is harder than you can imagine. First off, we’re running out of energy a lot faster because we’re still getting used to not sitting on the couch watching Netflix. So many policies and procedures have changed so it takes us a little longer to do things. Hell, opening the POS those first few nights was like trying to read a Game of Thrones book in Latin. I didn’t know what the hell was going on.

We’re also stressed. We want you to have a good experience and we want to be safe. Trying to do both at the same time is some much more of a strain on your servers mentally and physically. Understand that- you’re going to learn the same thing when you go back to work.

I’m sure there are things I’m forgetting so please feel free to add your own thoughts in the comments.

As a slight disclaimer, I think it is important to note that between the time I stated writing this post and the time I posted it- I ended up quitting my bartending job. I have a feeling we’re going to see this happening in a lot of service positions. Many of us have lost our tolerance for the bullshit that we are put through. At the end of the day, it wasn’t an easy decision for me to leave and it wasn’t just the customers. It started becoming very clear that management cared more about profits than it did their people. I was actually nice about the argument we had about self-seating in this post. I even made complaints to corporate, which fell on deaf ears.

That’s a post for another time.

Good luck ya’ll.

Do You Want Basic White Girls? Because This is How You Get Basic White Girls!

Ya’ll we are living in some strange times and just when you think things can’t get weirder- they do.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have very strong feelings about alcohol… in that I love me some alcohol…

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I mean, as a bartender I have a healthy respect for alcohol and all the magic it brings.

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I fully recognize that I’m not painting myself in the best light here so I’m going to move on.

Anyway.

I obviously have some opinions about certain things and it’s very clear to a great many people that I’m not a fan of those seltzer cocktail things. Matter of fact, I spent a large chunk of my brother’s wedding making fun of my sister for her apparent love of White Claws.

My brother and I don’t agree on much but the general consensus between us was that we would rather drink fresh horse piss over those things. Of course you have my sister on the other side of the argument sitting there like:

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Meanwhile my brother and I are downing whiskey like:

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Then you have my other sister just sitting there:

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All said and done it was an interesting wedding but that’s not the point here.

What is the point, Josh? You may be asking. I’ll tell you.

WHITE CLAW IS STUPID STOP DRINKING IT.

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Anyone who knows me knows that I have very strong and judgmental feelings about White Claw, which is why what happened this past weekend was so weirdly shocking.

I had Saturday off and spent most of it being the laziest of all the humans right up until I realized I didn’t have anything for dinner. I was so very tempted to order something but I’m about at my budgeted amount for take-out food for the month and we’re barely halfway through it. I decided to trek my lazy self to Publix for some dinner. (In my defense I cooked something I didn’t just get some premade stuff).

I was gone from my house for maybe 30 minutes when I came home to an odd surprise on my doorstep- a case of White Claw.

This was weird for a number of reasons, the first being- I CAN’T STAND SELTZER COCKTAIL DRINKS (In case you didn’t read the first part of this).

The next weird part was that I just moved into this place a few months ago and really only Ashley-Michelle and her roommates have been there during a drive-by birthday situation last month. Even then, they never left the car so they’ve never actually been to my front door much less know where it is.

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As you can see- there was no note left on it so I had no idea if it was actually meant for someone else or someone was pulling a weird prank. I messaged Ash-Mich and co to see if they knew anything about it but they didn’t. They also all know better. If you’re going to gift me alcohol- bring me whiskey.

I initially left the case out there in case the gifter realized their mistake and came back for it but then I started getting paranoid that a child would come by and swipe it. Granted very few children live in my complex as far as I can tell, but I was paranoid nonetheless. I brought it inside and left a note on my door for anyone that may come searching for it.

Nothing.

I then found out a fun and weird way to meet my neighbors. Knock on their door and ask if they’re missing their White Claw.

Nothing.

So now I’m the not-so-proud owner of a case of Black Cherry White Claw and I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.

Someone please send help…

Or some basic white girls…

But not that second part.

Prepare for Things to Get Weird(er)

Is it just me or is this year moving at a million miles and hours- but also slower than molasses- all at the same time? Honestly, I can barely keep track of what’s going on anymore. I would also like to point out that Microsoft work REALLY hates that first sentence. Like it’s very aggressively underlined in blue, I can’t make it happy, and I refuse to rewrite the sentence.

I’M NOT HERE FOR YOUR JUDGEMENT MICROSOFT WORD!

Actually, now that entire paragraph is underlined in blue. I’m never going to make it as a writer at this point.

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That said- I’m blown away by how much time has passed since I last posted. I feel like so much nothing but a lot of everything has happened since then. I have been writing but more and more it feels like trying to be funny and post about my life seems insignificant compared to what is going on in the world. Lately I’ve felt emotionally overwhelmed and even going to work takes up so much of my energy.

It doesn’t mean I’ve been doing nothing but my attention span for writing has been non-existent. I try to type and looking at the computer drives me nuts, I try to hand write but I hate that my hand can’t move as fast as my brain. Frankly, I’m the hottest of all the messes.

Case and point: It took me two days to respond to a yes or no question via text message.

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I have started reading again which has been nice. That sounds like such a weird thing to say but when you realize just how much I used to read, it makes sense. I bought “A Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes” and pushed myself to read it instead of it becoming another book collecting dust on my shelves. I mean, it’s going to eventually become that but at least I’m reading it first.

I’m actually really enjoying it. I’ve been doing a few chapters before bed every night- as much as my energy levels will allow.

I do have some stories to share from the past couple months so those will be coming which is the whole point of this post. I have some stories to tell but things are going to be coming out of order to please be prepared for this blog to make less sense than usual. Think of it a lot like a “Choose Your Own Adventure Book” in that if you read it in order nothing will make sense.

You’re welcome world.

That’s all I have to say for now because, honestly, writing even this little bit took a lot out of me. I’m hoping to get myself to the gym today or, at the very least, do a home workout. I think my lack of energy is also coming from a lack of mobility.

I need to learn how to human again. It’s gonna be a long road.

Don’t Ask For Much, I’m Trying My Best Here

You’d think that will all the free time that comes from not having a job, I’d be doing a lot more writing. But here we are a full month since I last posted. I don’t really owe anything to anyone here. I don’t have sponsors and my core group of followers is super understanding of who I am as a person. But if I’m being completely honest my mental health has gone to absolute shit during all of this nonsense. It’s often a struggle to move from the bed to the couch and sometimes that’s all I could accomplish.

All these people I know are getting new hobbies and TikToking and whatnot. I’ve just watched A LOT of Netflix. I did make some brownies! And ate them all in one sitting.

I’m probably doing this wrong.

I’m happy to say that as I’m writing this that I am officially back to work at BOTH of my jobs. Things kind-of went from 0 to 100 real quick. Now I’m just physically and mentally exhausted. It’s been and interesting time but I guess the plus side is that I have some things to write about.

Granted, my attention span for typing is short as hell right now. I’m just so damn tired!

For now I’ll leave you with the latest episode from my podcast “The Millennial Agenda”

Be well!