Josh Gunderson's Blog, page 4

It’s All In Your Head: Why You Need to Revisit the Animorphs in 2023

As you may or may not recall, back in late 2020, I found myself re-reading the Animorphs series and was shocked at the many adult themes found in these books meant for kids. As a child, I had missed many of the underlying messages and themes that are more relevant and important today than ever before.

My great re-read took longer than I would have liked but like with many things life got in the way. I paused and started a few times since I was originally including Animorphs editions on my podcast (another side project that has been on hiatus). When I finally went back to work, everything I was working on was put on pause, including my re-read.

Finally, in early 2022, I jumped back on the Animorphs wagon and finished the final book while on my birthday cruise with tears streaming down my face. I won’t spoil anything for you but- DAMN.

For the record, if you’d like to re-read the series for yourself, it is available in its entirety in PDF form by clicking here.

For those who are unfamiliar, Animorphs is a book series written by Katherine Applegate and Michael Grant that follows a group of teenagers who gain the power to shapeshift into any animal they touch. With this newfound ability, they must fight against an alien invasion that threatens the fate of the planet. It’s a series that is full of action, adventure, and, as I discovered during my re-read, a surprising amount of depth and complexity.

One of the most striking themes of the series is the struggle of adolescence and identity. The characters in Animorphs are grappling with the challenges of growing up, including issues of self-doubt, peer pressure, and the search for one’s place in the world. Through the lens of their animal transformations, readers are able to explore these struggles in a unique and thought-provoking way.

The series also addresses larger societal issues, including war, oppression, and the ethics of violence. The Animorphs are forced to confront difficult moral questions as they fight to save the world from the alien Yeerks, who seek to enslave the human race. The series does not shy away from the violence and trauma of war, and the characters are forced to grapple with the consequences of their actions in a way that is both honest and nuanced.

But perhaps what struck me most during my re-read was the surprising relevance of the series to today’s world. One of the things that makes Animorphs so powerful and enduring is its ability to tackle complex and difficult issues in a way that is accessible and engaging for readers of all ages. And while the series was first published in the 1990s, its themes continue to resonate with readers today.

For example, the series explores issues of identity and self-discovery, as the characters grapple with their newfound ability to transform into animals and the resulting challenges and opportunities that come with this ability. These themes are especially relevant in a world where people are increasingly encouraged to express themselves and explore their individuality, but also face backlash and discrimination for doing so.

Animorphs also explores themes of power and privilege, as the characters must navigate their own privilege as human beings and the power dynamics at play in their battle against the Yeerks. These themes are especially relevant today in a world where systemic inequalities and power imbalances continue to have a profound impact on individuals and communities.

Additionally, the series explores themes of resistance and activism, as the characters must fight against the oppressive forces of the Yeerks and work to build a better future for themselves and their world. These themes are especially relevant in a world where many people are working to fight against injustice and create positive change in their communities.

Overall, the themes and messages of Animorphs are just as important and relevant today as they were when the series was first published. By exploring complex issues in an engaging and accessible way, the series offers a powerful reminder of the importance of empathy, resilience, and the power of collective action.

Additionally, the Animorphs series has been praised for its representation of diverse characters and relationships. The series features a diverse cast of characters, including characters of color and characters with disabilities, and depicts a variety of relationships, including friendships, romances, and familial bonds. While the series does not feature any explicitly queer characters, it has been praised for its portrayal of diverse relationships and for creating a safe and welcoming space for readers who may not have felt seen or heard in other media.

One character in particular, Tobias, has resonated with many readers in the LGBTQ+ community. In book 3, “The Encounter,” Tobias – who has been stuck in his hawk form for too long and is struggling to hold onto his humanity – has a powerful emotional breakdown. He opens up to his friends about how trapped and alone he feels and how he’s afraid he’ll never be able to turn back into a human again. His vulnerability and raw emotion are incredibly relatable for many readers, especially those who have struggled with their own identities or felt isolated from their peers.

It’s worth noting that the authors behind Animorphs, Katherine Applegate and Michael Grant, have been outspoken supporters of the LGBTQ+ community. Their activism and support for the community further underscores the importance of representation and inclusivity in media, and the impact it can have on readers. They have both also expressed that they wished they could have done more to add that level of diversity to the series.

What’s my point in saying all of this? Revisiting the Animorphs series in 2023 is an important and valuable experience. It’s a series that offers a wealth of material for readers of all ages to engage with and reflect on. From the struggles of adolescence and identity to larger societal issues like war and oppression, the series addresses a wide range of complex themes and provides a unique perspective on these issues through its animal shapeshifting lens. The series has also been praised for its representation of diverse characters and relationships, creating a safe and welcoming space for readers who may not have felt seen or heard in other media. And for those who have already read the series, a re-read may reveal new layers and themes that were missed during the first go-around.

Beyond the themes and messages, Animorphs is simply a fun and engaging series that is well-written and full of action and adventure. The characters are well-developed and relatable, and readers will undoubtedly find themselves invested in their stories and rooting for their success.

In a time when the world can feel overwhelming and complex, revisiting Animorphs is a reminder of the power of literature to explore important issues and themes in a way that is accessible and engaging for readers of all ages. So, whether you’re a fan of the series from childhood or discovering it for the first time, I highly recommend giving Animorphs a read in 2023. Unleash your inner animal and join the fight against the Yeerks – you won’t regret it.

In addition to the original book series, fans of Animorphs have been treated to the gift of the series being resurrected. The series is currently being re-released in graphic novel form, with the first three books already available in this new format. The graphic novels are adapted by Chris Grine, who has worked on other popular graphic novel adaptations such as Jekyll and Hyde and Chickenhare.

These new graphic novels not only offer a fresh and exciting way to experience the story, but they also introduce the series to a whole new generation of readers. The art is vibrant and dynamic, bringing the animal transformations to life in a way that is sure to delight fans both old and new.

With the graphic novels and the original series both available, there has never been a better time to revisit Animorphs. So whether you prefer the classic novels or are eager to dive into the new graphic novel adaptations, there’s something for everyone in this beloved series. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to experience the world of Animorphs once again in 2023.

A Tale of Uninvited Houseguests and Cat-Ninja Warriors

THERE IS A GOD DAMN LIZARD LOOSE IN THE HOUSE AND WHAT THE ACTUALLY HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT IT?!

Let’s flash back for a moment.

I’m slowly getting moved into my new house (let’s not talk about the mess… boxes everywhere). It’s been over a week now and unpacking is slowgoing at best. Last time I moved was during the pandemic so I had nothing but time to get unpacked and settled into my new apartment. Not so much the case now.

After speed moving on a Tuesday, it was time to get back to the office on Wednesday. My clothes have yet to make it to where they belong so I had to shuffle to the diningroom to find some underthings to wear from a laundry basket. As I sorted through the basket, some movement caught my eye.

It was a lizard. Don’t ask me what kind because Google is being unhelpful but it’s Florida, these things are everywhere… including inside of my house.

This was the first morning in the new house, I didn’t sleep great, and I was running late to work. So I just gave the little thing a nod and went about my morning. There were really two options in my mind for what was going to happen to it- it was going to find its way back outside or become a cat toy.

Not my problem, I had places to be.

This was about a week and a half ago and aside from mentioning the lizard as a passing anecdote of life in the new house, I didn’t give it much thought.

As I was going about my morning today, Lemon was acting like a maniac which isn’t unusual so I ignored her and went about my day. This was until I saw her paying extra special attention to a duffle bag sitting near to where I had first seen my unwelcome houseguest. I move the bag, scaring the shit out of the lizard and me.

The hunt was on. 

Guinness got in on the fun and the two were on high alert for the thing. Eventually, all three of them got under the couch in the living room and I gave up on even hoping to be of any assistance.

Here I am just trying to get boxes unpacked and figure out where things go while trying to ignore the unhinged chaos going on all around me. I tried to help, I really did, but the lizard’s ninja-like moves were too much for me. So, I just continued to unpack while the cats enjoyed their hunt.

This all goes on for about an hour. My ADHD ass got distracted and began surfing Amazon for lizard repellent to use around the door frames in the hopes of getting ahead of any future occurrences of squatting reptiles. Turns out peppermint will actually deter a bunch of common Florida pests so can’t wait to BATHE THE HOUSE IN IT.

While I’m sitting there, Guinness emerges from under the couch and flops down, seemingly defeated, on the ground in front of the front door. I peek over to see what’s up and I see our lizard friend also taking a break about a foot away from here. Lemon is also watching on.

Apparently the three of them called a truce.

I slowly make my way over to them and with caution typically reserved for bomb defusal technicians, I get the door open while managing to keep the cats at bay.

With a piece of paper and swift movements, I manage to yeet the thing out the front door where it flopped, unceremoniously onto the front porch.

It seemed to be quite dumbfounded by everything that happened and sat there for so long I thought he might have died of shock.

But I checked, it left. Or got eaten by a bird.

Whatever.

Naturally, my ADHD sell then had to stop everything I was doing to write this because I thought it was amusing and needed to share.

I also made lunch.

Might be time for a nap.

Smelly Cats and Stereotypes: How Friends’ Lack of Diversity Stinks in 2023

Hey there, fellow TV addicts! Today we’re going to talk about a show that many of us have grown up with – Friends. As much as we all love Chandler’s sarcastic quips and Joey’s “How you doin’?”, it’s time to face the music – Friends hasn’t exactly aged well.

I was never that into the show when it originally aired but my older sister was a die-hard fan so I was aware of it. When I was on the road and staying in hotels, it ended up being the show I’d sit and watch since it seemed to be playing on a constant loop on TBS. Eventually, when the show was on Netflix, I sat down and watched the series in its entirety for the first time in my life. 

Having digested the entire show in a true Millennial binge fashion, I found myself wondering how the hell the show was so popular. Granted, an entire decade of learning, growing and evolving had occurred since the characters left the air, but holy shit, this show wasn’t good.

Now before you grab your pitchforks and start coming for me, hear me out. Friends was a great show for its time, no doubt about it. But the world has changed a lot since the ’90s, and so has our sense of humor. What was once considered funny and acceptable on TV is now cringe-worthy and outdated. A show like Friends in its original form wouldn’t survive in 2023 and for good reason.

Let’s start with the most glaring issue – the lack of diversity. The show is set in New York City, one of the most diverse cities in the world, yet the only people of color we see are background extras or love interests for the main cast. There’s no denying that the show’s lack of representation is a problem, and it’s one that many viewers have called out in recent years.

Another problem is the show’s treatment of LGBTQ+ characters. While Friends did have a few LGBTQ+ characters, they were often portrayed as stereotypes or punchlines. Chandler’s transgender parent was not given the respect and sensitivity that such a storyline deserved, and Chandler himself was often the butt of many gay jokes. Looking back, it’s clear that these portrayals were harmful and not at all progressive.

But it’s not just Friends that missed the mark on diversity and LGBTQ+ representation. Even modern sitcoms like The Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother still could have done much. While both shows were big hits and garnered a loyal fanbase, they both lacked LGBTQ+ characters and often made jokes about characters’ sexuality. In How I Met Your Mother, the character of Barney Stinson was known for his womanizing ways and often made jokes at the expense of LGBTQ+ people. Similarly, The Big Bang Theory often used gay jokes as a punchline, with characters like Raj Koothrappali being ridiculed for his perceived femininity.

It’s important to hold our favorite shows to a higher standard and demand better representation for marginalized communities. While progress has been made in recent years, there’s still a long way to go. LGBTQ+ characters and people of color should not be relegated to the sidelines or used as mere plot devices. They deserve to be fully fleshed out characters with their own stories and experiences.

Recently, Jennifer Aniston, one of the stars of Friends, spoke out about how the show has been received by today’s generation. In a CNN article, Aniston discussed how some younger viewers have found the show to be offensive due to its lack of diversity and insensitive treatment of LGBTQ+ characters. Aniston acknowledged that times have changed and that the show’s lack of representation is a problem. She also expressed hope that the show can start a dialogue about these issues and serve as a learning opportunity for future generations.

So, what can we learn from all of this? Well, for starters, we can learn that comedy is always evolving. What was once considered funny might not be so funny anymore, and that’s okay. It’s important to recognize that our sense of humor can be influenced by our own biases and experiences, and we need to be open to learning and growing.

We can also learn the importance of diversity and representation in media. It’s not enough to have one token character of color or one LGBTQ+ character. We need to see a variety of experiences and perspectives on our screens.

And finally, we can learn that it’s okay to love something and still acknowledge its flaws to a certain extent (I cannot and will not return to the world of Harry Potter as a result of JK Rowling’s horrible existence). Friends will always hold a special place in some people’s hearts, but we can also recognize that it’s not a perfect show. By acknowledging its flaws, we can start important conversations about representation and push for more inclusive and diverse media.

In the end, Friends will always be considered a classic sitcom that we can revisit for a good laugh or a trip down memory lane. But as we continue to move forward, we must hold our favorite shows accountable and demand better representation for all.

How to Survive NaNoWriMo Without Losing Your NaNo-mind: A Tale of Two Years and Zero Mythical Circuses

Ah, NaNoWriMo – that time of year when writers around the world attempt to churn out 50,000 words in 30 days. It’s a daunting task, to say the least. And many are able to accomplish that goal with flying colors and I say, good for them.

Even though NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) is in November, since I was recently talking about my new novel, I figured I’d offer my wildly unsolicited advice for anything looking to attempt NaNoWriMo for the first time.

You’re welcome world.

First things first: decide what you want to write. This may seem obvious, but trust me, it’s important. You don’t want to waste precious writing time trying to figure out what your story is about. So take some time before November 1st to brainstorm ideas and outline your plot. And remember, your outline doesn’t have to be set in stone. It’s okay to deviate from it as you write.

Once you have a general idea of what you want to write, set a realistic daily word count goal. That way, you can keep track of your progress and ensure you’re on track to meet your 50,000-word goal. This will vary from person to person, but I recommend aiming for at least 1,667 words a day. That may sound like a lot, but it’s only about 2-3 hours of writing, depending on your typing speed. And if you fall behind, don’t worry – you can always catch up on the weekends.

Another important thing to remember is to try and write every day, even if you don’t feel like it. Some days you’ll be on fire, churning out thousands of words with ease. Other days, you’ll feel like every word is a struggle. But the important thing is to keep writing, even when it feels like you’re not making progress. 100 words is better than no words.

But life does happen. Did I end up writing every day? Nope. Did I hit my word goal every day? Nope. Did I let that bother me at all? Nope. Progress looks different for everyone.

And speaking of progress, don’t forget to celebrate the small victories along the way. Did you hit your daily word count goal? Treat yourself to a piece of candy or a cup of hot chocolate laced with Bailey’s. Did you finish a particularly difficult chapter? Take a break and go for a walk. It’s important to acknowledge the hard work you’re putting in, even if you’re not quite at the finish line yet.

My novel was a horror story which meant creating characters that I loved and cared about and then putting them in life and death situations where the outcome was usually death. I had to take some time away after writing those moments to give myself some time to mourn. I know that sounds weird but it’s true.

Now, let’s talk about writer’s block. It’s bound to happen at some point during the month, so it’s important to have a plan in place for when it does. One strategy that works for me is to take a step back and do something completely unrelated to writing. Go for a run, take a bubble bath, bake a cake – whatever helps you clear your mind. Then, when you come back to your writing, you’ll hopefully have a fresh perspective.

Most of my latest novel was written on cruise ships (shout out to Royal Caribbean!). I would start my day with breakfast in the Windjammer where I would bring along my Fire Tablet and read an ebook for about an hour or so. Then I would relocate to Cafe Promenade where I would write on my laptop until I got hungry again (usually after about two hours). Then it was back to the Windjammer for lunch (I like the buffet, don’t judge me). 

After lunch, it was off to the upper deck with a physical book to soak up the sun and lose myself in someone else’s world for a while. The books I was reading were often in the horror genre to keep myself in that world but I would mix it up depending on my mood.

The rest of my day would be spent enjoying the on board entertainment. Since I was writing in Google Docs and had internet access, I would pull up a new, blank, document while sitting in a bar or in the theatre waiting for a show to start, and dump random thoughts that came to me during my non-writing time and I would sort them out later.

As a result you’ll find that many characters in my book are named after staff on the ship. I regret nothing and many of them were thrilled to learn that they’d be popping up as a character!

And don’t be afraid to mix things up if you’re feeling stuck. Maybe try writing from a different character’s perspective, or write a scene out of order. Sometimes shaking things up can help get the creative juices flowing again. Since my book is written in three parts, I’d bounce around between sections.

Finally, remember that NaNoWriMo is just the beginning of the writing process. Even if you hit that 50,000 word goal, your novel isn’t going to be perfect or even truly complete. It will likely need some serious editing and revision before it’s ready to be shared with the world.

So don’t put too much pressure on yourself to write a masterpiece in 30 days. Use NaNoWriMo as an opportunity to get words on the page and start the process of crafting your story. And who knows? Maybe you’ll surprise yourself and write something truly amazing.

It’s also important to remember that NaNoWriMo is not the end-all-be-all of writing success. If you don’t meet your word count goal or finish your manuscript, don’t beat yourself up. Erin Morgenstern, author of The Night Circus, has said that the rumor of her completing her novel during NaNoWriMo is not true. It’s important not to use the urban legend of a successful 

NaNoWriMo as a standard for getting your first novel done. Writing is a process and everyone’s journey is unique. The key is to keep going and keep writing, even if it’s not perfect.

Trust me, I know from experience. My recently completed first novel took me two years to finish. Two years of rewrites, revisions, and hair-pulling moments. And you know what? That’s okay, too.

Don’t get me wrong, NaNoWriMo can be an incredibly useful tool for writers. I used it myself to help get and keep me on track during the writing process. But it’s important to remember that it’s just that – a tool. It’s not a one-size-fits-all solution for writing a novel.

Another helpful aspect of NaNoWriMo is the writing tracking tools provided by the website. These tools allow you to track your daily word count, see your progress towards your word count goal, and even project your finish date based on your current writing pace.

I personally find these tools incredibly helpful for staying on track and motivated during NaNoWriMo and beyond, especially when I don’t hit my writing goal in 30 days (again, life happens). Seeing my progress towards my word count goal can be really encouraging, especially on days when I’m feeling stuck or unmotivated. And projecting my finish date helps me stay focused and accountable, as I can see exactly how much writing I need to do each day to reach my goal.

It’s also important to keep in mind that 50,000 words is actually on the shorter side for a novel, and many writers end up wanting to add more to their manuscript after NaNoWriMo is over. The word count goal of NaNoWriMo is really just a stepping stone towards a completed manuscript.

In fact, most novels typically range from 80,000 to 100,000 words, or even more for certain genres like epic fantasy. So don’t feel too restricted by the NaNoWriMo word count goal. If you reach 50,000 words but your story isn’t finished, keep going! Use NaNoWriMo as a way to build good writing habits and get a solid start on your novel.

For example, my completed horror novel ended up being over 85,000 words, which is much longer than the NaNoWriMo goal but more standard for that genre. But without the challenge of NaNoWriMo, I may have never been able to get past the initial stage of writing and actually finish the manuscript.

In the end, the goal of NaNoWriMo is not just to write a novel, but to challenge yourself and build good writing habits. It’s a chance to connect with a community of writers who are also striving towards the same goal. So don’t be afraid to participate, even if you don’t feel ready. Embrace the chaos and let your creativity run wild. Who knows, you might just surprise yourself with what you’re capable of.

Egg-Specting the Unexpected: A Look at Easter’s Past

It’s Easter Sunday and, per usual, I am choosing violence. Because it’s all I know.

I have never particularly enjoyed or understood Easter and, like many, I’ve never given it much thought beyond it’s a day of the year. Never the same date each year because who doesn’t love a holiday that can’t make up it’s fucking mind.

Regardless, Easter is a beloved holiday celebrated by millions of people around the world (many of whom just need an excuse to drink while around their families). While many people associate Easter with Christianity and the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the holiday actually has deep roots in pre-Christian pagan celebrations. If you pay close enough attention, you’ll see that many of the traditions we associate with Easter today have been “borrowed” (*cough* STOLEN *cough*) from other cultures and religions.

Let’s start with the Easter Bunny. Believe it or not, the Easter Bunny actually has roots in pre-Christian pagan celebrations. In ancient times, rabbits were seen as symbols of fertility and new life, which made them a natural fit for springtime festivities. In fact, the Feast of Eostre, a pagan celebration of the spring equinox, is thought to have given rise to the Christian celebration of Easter.

Fast forward a few centuries to Germany in the 1700s, and we start to see the emergence of the modern Easter Bunny as we know it today. According to legend, the Easter Bunny would visit children while they slept, laying colored eggs in their nests as a sign of good luck and prosperity. It wasn’t until German immigrants brought this tradition to America in the 1800s that the Easter Bunny really took off, and he’s been a staple of the holiday ever since.

But what about Easter Egg Hunts? How did we go from hiding eggs in children’s nests to staging elaborate egg hunts in our backyards? Well, the origins of the Easter Egg Hunt are a bit murkier, but one theory suggests that it too has pagan roots. In ancient times, eggs were seen as a symbol of rebirth and renewal, making them a fitting addition to springtime celebrations. It’s also possible that the tradition of egg hunts may have been inspired by the game of “egg rolling,” which was popular in Europe during the Middle Ages. In this game, participants would roll eggs down hills or slopes, with the winner being the person whose egg traveled the farthest.

Even the tradition of eating hot cross buns on Good Friday has pagan roots. In ancient times, the cross was a symbol of the sun, and the buns were originally baked to honor the goddess Eostre. When Christianity became the dominant religion in Europe, the buns were given a new meaning as a symbol of the crucifixion of Jesus.

As previously mentioned, another weird aspect of Easter is that it falls on a different date each year. This can be a bit annoying, but the reason for this is actually tied to the spring equinox, which I mentioned earlier. In Christianity, Easter is celebrated on the first Sunday after the first full moon that occurs on or after the vernal equinox, which is around March 20th each year.

The calculation of the date for Easter has been standardized since the Council of Nicaea, which was a historic gathering of Christian bishops in 325 CE. The council was convened by the Roman Emperor Constantine and aimed to resolve disagreements among Christian leaders about key religious practices, including the date of Easter. The council established a method for calculating the date of Easter that has been used by Christian churches ever since.

So, if you pay close attention, you’ll see that many of the traditions we associate with Easter (much like other “Christian traditions”) today have been influenced by other cultures and religions. Maybe later in the year I’ll treat y’all to my rant about Christmas.

Anyway, whether you celebrate Easter as a religious holiday, a secular holiday, or a little bit of both, I hope it’s a great day. Even if you’re just sitting in bed, still in your pajamas, sipping a mimosa, it’s what the baby Jesus would have wanted. 

So go forth and enjoy your chocolate bunnies, colorful eggs, and hot cross buns, and remember this as the day I forced you to learn something new.

I Solemnly Swear That I’m *probably* Not Dead

Greetings from the solitude of my bedroom where I have decided to take refuge for the day since I’m so exhausted by life that the concept of doing anything other than eating, drinking and going to the bathroom is unfathomable.

A large chunk of my “sit down and write” energy has been concentrated on finishing my first novel which I began writing around two years ago. I had been working on it on and off until last year when I decided to roll up my sleeves and go full on until I was done. Naturally that didn’t go as planned but I still plugged away as much as possible. 

I had originally hoped to have the book done by the end of 2022 but that didn’t happen so I just kept writing. I went on vacation in January and spent the week writing like a crazy person, not coming up for air. A lot got accomplished but there was still more to write.

The best feeling came on February 25th when I was able to write the best words ever “The End.”

The fun part has already begun as I’ve been submitting it to publishers which is an insanely daunting process in and of itself. I was already passed by my top pick and I’m slowly putting it out there to other publishing houses. I’ve got two queries sitting in someone’s inbox as we speak- my second and third choice publishers so we’ll see what happens.

I’d like to pretend that I’ll have more time for blogging now that the book is done but I’m now in the process of moving and we all know that packing and moving are two of my absolute most favorite things in the entire world.

It’s been three years since I last moved and despite living in a place that’s half the size of my last home, I managed to amass a ton of shit. I have officially reached the “throw it all away because I don’t care any more” phase of the process which has been fun. 

What’s not so fun is that my move got delayed. Everything is pretty much packed minus the basics I need to get by day to day. As a result, this delay is making life interesting because 95% of my kitchen is packed and so I’m going to be living off the microwave for a period of time. I’ve also already warned everyone at work that they are going to see a lot of repeat outfits this coming week and I am not accepting commentary on that at this time.

So let’s see what 2023 brings. I have plenty of interesting stories and musings to share and now that the book is done, I’ll hopefully have time and energy to share them… as soon as the move is done.

I’m sure that will bring its own horrific stories.

I Went to the Movies on a Friday Night and Learned That I’m Old

The inevitable has happened. I have become a cranky old man who just wants some damn peace and quiet. But, like, I’m still young and hip because I went out to the movies ON A FRIDAY! Yes, it was a 5:40pm showing but we are going to count it.

I finally got around to seeing the horror movie Smile, which I do have many thoughts about but that would be for another post if I decide to do one. (Let’s be honest, I’m going to either forget or be too lazy). I will say that if you suffer from mental illness and deal with depression and suicide ideation, it might be better to skip this movie. I found it wildly triggering and for the first time in my life, I wanted to walk out of a theater because I was so uncomfortable with what I was watching.

Fuck, I’m going to have to write something about it now aren’t I?

I was really hoping that the earlier movie time would spare me the headache of other people. When I had bought my ticket there were only two other people in the movie so I was feeling pretty good about it. I was the first person in the theater followed by two pairs of girls and we were pretty spaced apart.

The movie has been out for a couple weeks and Halloween Ends was opening so I assumed most people would be heading to see that. I was smart and saw it for the Thursday night previews.

I will quickly say this for Halloween Ends and really, movies in general. Go see it in theaters. It’s bullshit that they did a hybrid release for the sake up trying to up their Peacock+ numbers. Nicole Kidman was right, movies are better in a theater. I think. I honestly don’t go to AMC theaters so I haven’t actually seen the ad, just the parodies of it.

All was going well until a group of youths came in. They were old enough to be in an R rated movie but they immediately were acting like they belonged in DC’s Superpets.

All through the previews they were talking and on their phones. It was annoying but as it was just previews, I ignored it. Then the foursome was joined by another two and it was all downhill from there.

They were talking, on their phones and for some reason kept switching seats. It was annoying as hell and the movie had started. It was incredibly frustrating and I spent a good deal of time wondering why the hell anyone would pay for the experience of going out to a movie and then not paying any attention to it. One of the girls kept getting up and leaving for long period of times.

My breaking point was when one of the girls randomly up and moved to a different part of the theater and another followed her and they started arguing with each other about something. Meanwhile, the other two girls remained where they were but started throwing popcorn at the other two. The boys had left prior to this starting.

I should have probably mentioned that the movie theater I was in was the one located where I work. So now that I’m at my breaking point, I text the manager of the theater and let her know what’s going on. She appeared at the same time the boys were returning to the theater and each and every one of them got a talking to.

They did settle down but remained annoying through the remainder of the movie. Talking, but whispered, and still on their phones.

I still don’t get it. Why be here if this is how you are going to act? Have the unspoken rules of movie theater etiquette been thrown out the window? Is this a generational thing? Am I just old?

Apparently, towards the end of the movie, discussion questions had been distributed to everyone except for me because EVERYONE WAS TALKING. The two girls in the back of the theater, the two girls sitting to my left and the group of asshats in front of me.

I think this is the curse of not only going to a movie on a Friday but also a horror movie in the theater. I’ve noticed that sometimes horror makes for some of the worse audience experiences. The asshat  group in front of me was SCREAMING through the whole finale of the movie with one of the girls deciding she needed to be repeating, “I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT”.

I do fully understand that there’s something to the shared experience of seeing a movie in the theaters. Feeling the tension of horror, laughing together at a comedy, laughing together at horror, cheering for the good guys to win, cheering louder when Andrew Garfield stepped through that portal. I’m here for that, I love that. Nothing will ever beat the feeling of all those portals opening in Endgame and Cap saying “Avengers… Assemble!”

Honestly, if I hadn’t been so annoyed with these kids the entire film, I probably would have forgiven the intensity with which they responded to those final moments of the movie but at that point they were my mortal enemies and could do no right in my eyes.

I can’t even blame my annoyance on age. I never acted like that in a movie theater regardless of how old I was. Movies are expensive. I have to imagine that group dropped well over $100 between tickets for six people and concessions which they all had in some form or another. I personally spent around $30 between ticket, popcorn and a beer.

If this is how you plan on acting then, in the future, please wait a few weeks for it to be available for rent on streaming and watch it at home.

Please.

I don’t know- am I just a cranky old man or have people just gotten worse?

The Emotional Roller Coaster of Watching Easy-Bake Battle (Not for the Reasons You’d Think)

Antoni Porowski be warned, Nina has her matchmaker pants on!

Also until last night, I had no idea who Antoni Porowski was.

Because I’m a terrible gay… apparently.

Last night I get a text from my friend Nina who was apparently watching Easy-Bake Battle on Netflix. I had no idea the show existed, primarily because when I’m watching Netflix, it’s the same three shows/specials over and over again because of who I am as a person. I’m also not big on reality shows/competitions so it never would have hit my radar.

But alas, I end up with this message:

Before you judge the 2-hour gap in my response, please note that I was at the movies and I didn’t see the message until I left. I had to Google the show to see who she was talking about. I agreed, he was handsome but I knew nothing more.

I ended up back home and having no idea what to do with myself so I poured a glass of wine and turned on Netflix. I found the show and decided to go for it since I really had no idea what to watch other than that.

She was right.

So, naturally I end up on another Google hunt to learn more about Mr. Antoni (which I’m shocked Nina didn’t do before texting me because she is the master at internet researching). I then had to break the news to Nina that he was already spoken for.

At that point I was invested in the winner from the first episode, Haley, so I decided to continue watching.

Pay close attention young people, this is what a Friday night in your 30’s looks like. You will go to the movies by yourself after work and then get tricked into watching a baking competition show starring a really cute and sweet man that you have zero chance with but your friend wants the two of you to get married. Also, your lower back hurts for no reason at all.

So now I am INVESTED in this damn show and falling in love with sweet, chipper Antoni. Haley is kicking ass and all is right in the world.

Then came episode three when everything fell apart.

To add insult to injury, Haley lost the episode and was going home.

The problem is that I’m now fully invested in this show and there’s only 8 episodes so I’m going to muscle through even though I’m heartbroken across the board.

I’ll survive.

So, I guess that’s my review of the show. Come for the adorable host and stay out of sheer spite? Honestly, it’s a good time and I really enjoy it. I’m watching it as I write this because I’m not a quitter.

Am I a reviewer now? Is that how it happens?

Also, Antoni Porowski is a human puppy and it was a mistake searching for GIFs of him because he’s adorable. I’ll save you the trouble of searching for yourself:

The Gambler by Kenny Rogers and Other Things I Remembered While Showering

For someone with a laundry list of mental health issues, my brain has the uncanny ability to retain the weirdest shit but only launches it at me on its own twisted schedule. I will forget the name of someone who is standing right in front of me, who just moments before TOLD ME THEIR NAME but when it comes to remembering absolutely random details about something no one else remembers, I got you.

Cut to the other day while I was in the shower. It was just another evening of winding down, disassociating under the hot water, lathering, rinsing and repeating when out of nowhere my brain decided I spew forth lyrics from Kenny Rogers’ The Gambler.

Mind you, up until about 5 minutes ago when I sat down to write this, I had never properly heard the song before. Sure, in passing along the way, likely because it played over the MUZAK system at any one of my past jobs, I had heard the song but I have never listened to it. Even now when I played it, I was only half-paying attention to it. I guess it’s just one of those songs you KNOW whether you like it or not.

As if singing those random lines wasn’t enough, my brain then launched itself down memory lane.

The song brought back memories of a man I used to work with when I was in college. At that time, I was working as a manager at a grocery store. We had hired an older man as a bag boy whose name I vaguely remember but for the sake of his privacy, I’m going to call him Barry.

Unless his name is actually Barry, in which case, I’m an asshole.

I don’t think it was known to anyone at the time, but Barry was an alcoholic. He was a very nice guy and he started off great. He was very pleasant to talk to and did his job- bagging groceries, getting carts from the parking lot, cleaning, etc.

The reason the song “The Gambler” sparked any sort of memory of Barry is because it was his go-to karaoke song. I never attended karaoke with Barry but he would always talk about singing his favorite song at karaoke each week. He would let off a few bars and carry on with his work, humming some Kenny Rogers.

Barry started coming to work drunk and despite multiple chances, he didn’t end up working out as an employee. We would still see him on occasion because it was a small town and we were the only grocery store.

One night he came in and it was obvious to everyone in the building that he was hammered off his ass. He stumbled over to the beer and wine section of the store and grabbed a big bottle of wine. It was chardonnay. Not an important detail but I can see the entire moment vividly in my mind as I write this.

It was later in the night so we only had two cashiers on and I had already told them not to sell to him. But it was more than that. There were a wild number of possibilities as to what was going to happen when we refused service to him. He could get belligerent, violent or, even more terrifying; he could get back behind the wheel of his car.

Thankfully, he ended up at the register of a younger cashier. To explain: the law prohibits anyone under the age of 18 from selling or even handling alcohol. So the cashier had no choice but to turn to someone older to scan the alcohol.

The person working in customer service was old enough but I told them to stay put as I was already on the phone with the police. Thankfully, the police department was right across the street from the store so this all happened pretty quickly.

Barry had enough sense about him to be patient about the delay in the purchase. He slurred at the young cashier, “oh, you’re not old enough?”

My call to the police department had ended but I pretended I was still on the call and gave the “one minute” signal while my customer service person pretended he wasn’t old enough to help either.

After just a few minutes the police came. They did whatever it is they do to assess the situation and determined that he was not fit to drive. Barry admitted that he had been drinking and that he had driven to the store under the influence. In talking to one of the officers later, he told me they knew which car was his because it was not even parked in a spot- it had been left haphazard in the lot right in front of the store.

I immediately felt horrible about the fact that I had just gotten someone arrested. Come to find out, Barry was well known to these officers and any chances he had left had run out.

I honestly can’t remember what ever happened after that. I don’t remember if I had ever seen Barry again after that night. I think maybe I had, months later, but that might be some sort of wishful thinking.

At the end of the day, I know I did the right thing but I can’t help but sit here and wonder why that very specific memory has decided to stick around in my brain. Even the officers had thanked us for calling and not letting him leave. But here I am sitting here feeling guilty about something that happened well over a decade ago and would feel worse if I had let him buy alcohol and/or drive away and something horrible happened to him or someone else.

Whoever is in charge of my memories is an asshole.

I really have no idea why The Gambler was in my brain but here we are. I do know that music has always played a very strange role in my life and my memory. This is a big part of the reason why You’re Doing It Wrong is called my mixtape memoir and every chapter title is a song title.

Music is magical like that. I actually can’t hear the album The Sign by Ace of Base without being transported back into our basement in Lynn, Massachusetts when I would listen to that CD obsessively while playing with my massive LEGO village.

At this point I’m rambling because I really don’t know how to end this.

My brain is weird, we can just leave it at that.

I’m Really Not Going to Say “I Told You So”

I’ve found myself sharing this story a lot lately, so I thought I would write it down for the whole world to enjoy… by “the whole world” I mean the people who keep sticking around this blog despite the WILD inconsistency in my posting.

In my defense, we did have a whole ass hurricane last week and then I went on the world’s shortest cruise. More on all of that later… or sooner. I don’t know when I’m going to schedule this.

I’ve actually be better at posting lately so I feel pretty good about myself for that.

In my final year of college, I joined one of the largest groups on campus known as “Program Council.” The group was responsible for some of the larger events on campus including concerts, comedians, movie nights, etc. I had run for the board as a write-in candidate and was elected into the Public Relations role.

Winning as a write-in sounds impressive but I’ll be honest in the fact that I was running unopposed.

The whole campaign was something of a coupe as a few of us were running as write-ins because of dissatisfaction with those who were on the ballot. All said and done, I was the only write-in that won and it created some initial tension when I joined the board at the beginning of the summer.

Program Council hit the ground running and would meet/work during the summer to get prepared for Welcome Back Week events leading up to the headliner event, a big-name comedian.

All of the members of the board were given a massive list of comedians along with how much it would cost to book them (we’re talking anywhere from $3,000 all the way to $100,000). Our budget for booking was $50,000 and more noteworthy acts sat around the $35k-$50k mark.

During the selection process, I was super tempted to make a case for spending a bit more and booking Kathy Griffin but that tension between the board members was very real and any idea I pitched would automatically be shot down as a bad one.

I was fighting an uphill battle of my own making. There was a feeling that because my cohorts hadn’t won their roles on the board, that I was going to jump ship and it felt like I was being pushed towards that. I actually WANTED to be there and was excited to be on the board so I stuck around and eventually things got better.

When it came down to comedian selection, there was only one person on my list: Daniel Tosh.

I was a big fan of his comedy and had the sense that he was about to make it big (his show Tosh.0 would debut a year later). I knew he had a following and he would have been a big win.

No matter how compelling my arguments I was shot down by every member of the board along with our current advisor.

The argument made was that we had a white comedian the previous year and they wanted to show diversity in our headliner. The choice was made to go with DeRay Davis. If you’re anything like me, your questions to the world is, who the hell is that?

Exactly.

I don’t know anything about his career after all the of when down but up until that point in 2008, he had bit roles in a bunch of movies that did… okay? For some reason, we were really pushing the fact that he had been in the Will Ferrell movie, Semi-Pro. He’s in the movie for maybe five minutes, tops?

Actually a quick search of his name shows that he’s still using the film as his hook which really tells me everything I need to know about his career trajectory over the last decade-plus.

Needless to say, when tickets went on sale at the beginning of the fall semester, it did not go well. We were on the struggle bus hardcore. The goal was never to break even or make money, but the “big-name comedian” as we referred to it, was the hook that showed that Program Council was where it was at!

Expect we weren’t.

I pulled out every trick in my book to sell this show- Facebook events (which were very new at the time), press releases, more posters. I even rented Semi-Pro and had it playing on my laptop while we tried to sell tickets in the dining hall at dinner.

You name it, we tried it.

Problem was that it reached the point where you could FEEL the desperate seeping from us every time we opened up shop to sell tickets.

About a week or so before the show, I was in the dining hall at lunch time desperately trying to get someone, anyone to buy a ticket. It wasn’t happening. Our now-former advisor (she was always going to step down and let a newer staff member take over the group as advisor, the was just holding over until this particular event happened) came to see how sales were going.

The answer was not what she wanted but what she’d expected. We were heading into rotten egg territory with this event.

“You can go ahead and say it.” She said to me after I told her we hadn’t made any sales.

“Say what?” I asked, genuinely confused by her statement.

“You can say ‘I told you so,’” she replied.

At this point in my young life, I hadn’t become the jaded and petty asshat that I am today so I really didn’t know how to respond in this situation. Honestly, “I told you do” had never crossed my mind. Probably because I was too busy trying to get everyone else on the executive board to stop hating my guts.

“I’m not going to say that,” I responded after a brief moment of hesitation. “I’m going to do whatever I can to sell this show.”

I don’t remember our exact numbers of sales but I do know that there were a lot of empty seats. To add insult to injury, the show was horrible. The opening act killed it but DeRay Davis bombed hard. I don’t remember much of the set but he kept defaulting back to saying, “yeah, my mom is crazy” or some variation of that.

I REALLY don’t have a point to this story other than it’s been on my mind as of late and, like I mentioned, I’ve brought it up in certain conversations. It’s one of those life lessons that seems incredibly relevant right now.

I will say that things got better and we had a wildly successful year on Program Council following that bump in the road. It was a matter of developing trust with each other and showing that I wanted to be a part of the team no matter what. I may be strong-headed but I am a team player (sometimes to a fault). I was always going to to my best to support the team even if I didn’t agree with all the decisions being made.

I had been out-voted by the majority of the board in this instance and I dealt with it. Things were done democratically and I wasn’t going to argue with that. Had it been one tyrannical person calling the shots and making the decisions because they could, it would have been a different story for sure.

I had already been doing Public Relations for other groups at that point but my year on the Program Council board is what really got me interested in PR and marketing. I was actually planning on sticking around and getting a BA in Communications but no one wanted to give me the money to make that happen.

If you’re wondering why I didn’t apply to grad school and get a master’s in communications rather than a third bachelor’s degree- it’s because I wanted to stay involved on campus through groups and clubs which you couldn’t do as a grad student.

Also, I’m not smart sometimes. So there’s that.