Allison Gilbert's Blog, page 13

Five Ways to Use Social Media to Remember Loved Ones

Technology is the low-hanging fruit of memory-keeping. Emails, texts, social media and apps allow us to work virtually and socialize remotely. The power of these devices can easily be harnessed to keep your loved one’s memory alive. The tools are already in your pocket and on your desk. By incorporating memories into your digital life, a dual opportunity exists to reflect and receive: You can share memories while simultaneously taking comfort in the stories and support that ricochet back.

I encourage you to integrate your loved one into the rich and varied digital life you already lead—whether at home, work, or on the go. The Forget Me Nots below are my top five ways to use social media to remember loved ones.  

1. Post and Invite Comments. Last week was the 20th anniversary of my mother’s death from ovarian cancer. On that day, on my personal Facebook page, I posted a picture of us and asked friends and family to share their memories of my mom in the comments. So many people posted, many more than I expected, and I wrote about the uplifting experience on my blog HERE. I encourage you to post and invite comments on days that are meaningful to you: your loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of his or her death, Father’s Day or Mother’s Day. On the date, update your Facebook status by requesting friends and family share a favorite memory; consider including a photo. You can also temporarily swap your profile picture for a photo of your loved one. This will serve as a visual cue there’s something different going on that deserves attention.

2. Generate a Digital Wave of Light. Worldwide Candle Lighting is an immense annual event run by The Compassionate Friends, a nonprofit based outside Chicago. Similar to how New Year’s Eve unfolds, the event kicks off at the same time no matter where you live on the planet—the second Sunday in December at 7:00 pm—when individuals light candles at home or in large groups in memory of children who have died. The goal is to bridge countries and time zones by creating a wave of light that lasts twenty-four hours. This Forget Me Not guides you in building on the Worldwide Candle Lighting concept, customizing it to create an opportunity for remembering at any time of year. Here’s what you do:

Create a hashtag on Twitter. For example, if your loved one’s name were Lynn, your hashtag could be #rememberinglynn.
Pick a time for your remembrance—a birthday, holiday, or special occasion—and let your inner circle know.
When the date arrives, encourage everyone to light a candle, take a picture of it, and post it to Twitter using the hashtag.

3. Embrace Throwback Thursday. You’re likely familiar with #TBT. Throwback Thursday is a social media trend that encourages users to share favorite memories on a weekly basis. While commonly used to post childhood photos, it also provides the perfect opportunity to post pictures of loved ones who are no longer with us. It can be remarkably satisfying to see their image pop up in your Facebook or Twitter feed, especially if he or she died before the digital era.  

4. Be Creative with Video. I thank my daughter for sparking the following idea. One afternoon, Lexi bounded home from a play date eager to show me her latest creation. She and her best friend had spent the afternoon making a Flipagram out of dozens of selfies. The Flipagram app uses photos on your smartphone to create fun and quirky videos. You control the amount of time each picture is displayed, the shortest length being just .01 seconds. The result is a fast-paced movie that animates even the most ordinary images. You can also add music and share the videos via Instagram, Facebook, and YouTube. It didn’t take me long to see an unexpected and thrilling opportunity with this. By making a Flipagram, I could take a few pictures out of their current, underappreciated context of photo albums and present them in the more inviting, contemporary framework of social media. All that was required was downloading the Flipagram app and selecting a few pictures to snap with my phone.

5. Show & Tales (not a typo: tale as in “story”) unfold as “show and tells” did in kindergarten, except this grown-up version includes snacks and alcohol and is organized primarily through social media and Meetups. Themes for each evening are publicized in advance, and everyone is encouraged to bring a related object and tell its story. Topics have included dolls, cards, love letters, and thank you notes. Organizer Martie McNabb started this outfit in Brooklyn. I attended a Show & Tale located in a sexy, candlelit Lower Manhattan watering hole, joining a small group sitting on red velvet couches and chairs in the back of the bar. Following the theme for the evening—The Family Jewels—people who’d never met before took turns describing what they brought and responding to questions. We may have been strangers, but to some extent we understood each other better, perhaps, than did our dearest friends who haven’t experienced such loss. Check out McNabb’s Meetup page for locations and times: www.meetup.com/Show-and-tales.

Do you use technology to remember loved ones?  I’d love to hear about it.  Keep an eye out on my Facebook, Twitter and Instagram pages where I reveal many more memory-preserving opportunities.

Cheering you on,

Allison

20 Years #rememberinglynn

It was twenty years ago this week that my mother died of ovarian cancer. I’ve lived an incredible life since she died: I’ve gotten married, given birth to two amazing children, enjoyed an exciting career in TV news, published three books, and I’m about to publish my fourth. Despite not being here, she’s never left me.  

I’ve never stopped #rememberinglynn, yet I did something different this year to mark the anniversary. I used Facebook to invite family and friends to share their memories with me and with each other.  

First, I changed my profile photo to a picture of my mother and me. The swap was a visual cue something different was happening and my Facebook friends should (hopefully!) pay attention. Next, I wrote a brief status update about the milestone, tagged people who knew her best, and encouraged everyone to post a favorite recollection. The result? A virtual celebration of her life!  

Technology is the low-hanging fruit of memory-keeping. My experience was uplifting and deeply heartening. If you were part of this movement, I thank you so very much.  If you are inspired by the idea, don’t feel you have to wait until the anniversary of your loved one’s passing to act on it. You could invite comments on your loved one’s birthday or any other special occasion. Let the feedback you get fill you with happiness and dozens of good memories.  

With a grateful heart,

Allison

Top 5 Destinations to Remember Loved Ones

As I write this post, a Blizzard Watch is in effect for New York City, and a large section of the mid-Atlantic is bracing for a “potentially paralyzing” storm. This kind of weather makes me fantasize about heading someplace warm and drives me to think about travel in general.  Ecotourism. Adventure travel. Volunteer tourism. Specialized travel allows us to build entire trips around particular needs and interests — caring for endangered animals, jumping out of airplanes, building schools in developing countries. Why not plan a vacation around honoring our connections to the past?

What do we call a trip that speaks to the desire to celebrate loved ones in the company of like-minded people? Let’s call it Commemorative Travel.

Nearly every culture has a unique way to remember and celebrate loved ones who have passed away. Below are my top five travel destinations where you can weave acts of remembrance into an already awesome and fun vacation.

Mexico – Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead, is celebrated in Mexico and throughout Latin America (and many cities in the USA) on November 1 and 2. Despite its name, the festival is fun-filled and family-friendly. It is a national holiday marked by an entire population breaking away from its normal routine to honor the dead. Communities host boisterous and vibrant parades; amusement parks put on extravagant events. And children eat all sorts of themed candy—skulls and coffins made out of sugar, and lollipops in the shape of skeletons. There are reflective aspects to the celebration, too. Families routinely create small altars in their homes with offerings to those they’ve lost. Items vary, but generally include food, photos, and mementos. Large altars are often erected in parks and public squares.


Japan – One of the most spectacular rituals you’ll see during Obon happens at the end of this deeply moving three-day festival. Thousands of candlelit lanterns are set adrift onto rivers and lakes across the country. It’s believed the spirits of the dead return home during Obon; when the celebration ends, the flames guide them back to the afterlife. Obon takes place during the summer, making it a wonderful addition to a vacation. While it is a time to honor the dead, it is not a wholly sad occasion: there are street fairs, carnivals, and plenty of traditional music and dancing.


Hawaii – Every year on Memorial Day, the island of Oahu welcomes more than forty thousand people for Lantern Floating Hawaii. Started in 1999, this massive gathering began as a means of introducing Americans to the Japanese custom of floating paper lanterns. Organizers say Memorial Day was chosen because Americans were already in the mindset of honoring their dead. The celebration is a chance for anyone who has ever lost a loved one to remember and honor that relationship in the presence of community.


Israel – The Western Wall in Jerusalem is considered by many to be Judaism’s most sacred place. It’s also one of the most important cultural sites in the world, one where tourists of every nationality and faith engage in a private spiritual expression: writing a prayer on a piece of paper and tucking it in between the Wall’s ancient stones. It’s estimated that more than one million notes are placed in the cracks and crevices of the Western Wall every year. The slips of paper contain messages asking for virtually anything—peace, love, health, forgiveness, and strength. Prayers can be for yourself or others.


The Bahamas – Junkanoo (also known as Jonkonnu or Jankunu) is a mammoth cultural celebration that roars through many Caribbean countries. It’s perhaps biggest, loudest, and grandest manifestation takes place in Nassau, capital of the Bahamas. There the Junkanoo parade winds through city streets throbbing with participants dancing, beating drums, playing trumpets and trombones—all wearing elaborate costumes and headdresses in a riot of feathers and colors. The parade takes place overnight twice every year: on December 26 (Boxing Day), and again on New Year’s Day. While the roots of Junkanoo are debated, it is largely viewed as being steeped in African tradition, having been kept alive—indeed, having flourished—on slave plantations in the eighteenth and nineteenth century. Today, Junkanoo is an adrenaline-charged expression of folk culture and a major tourist attraction.

There are certainly dozens of other examples, and I offer more in my forthcoming book Passed and Present (coming April 12). I’d love to hear your Commemorative Travel ideas.  Please share them in the comments below.

For those of you (like me!) bracing for the snow — stay safe and warm!

Allison

Alan Rickman, David Bowie, and a National Call to Cure Cancer

This morning, my Facebook page filled with news that Alan Rickman, or as many of us will always remember him, Professor Snape, had passed away from cancer.

Of course, this is not the only beloved artist to die of cancer this week. Just a few days ago the world learned David Bowie succumbed to cancer as well.

These are the kind of stories that reverberate throughout social media. But they are also, sadly, nothing new. And surely these celebrity cancer deaths won’t be the last. Bowie and Rickman are just the latest casualties of cancer, one of the great enemies of humanity.

The disease has certainly touched my life. This month marks 20 years since my mother died of ovarian cancer, and later this year, I’ll mark the 15th anniversary of my father dying from lung cancer. My aunt, grandmother, and grandfather died of cancer, too.

I lost my mom when I was 25, before I was married or had children. Over the years, as I’ve grown from new bride to mom of two teenagers, I’ve keenly missed having my parents to turn to for comfort and support. It was this missing piece of my life and my efforts to keep my parents’ memory alive for my children that propelled me to write my new book Passed and Present (coming April 12, 2016.)

And yet, in dying, I recognize my mother gave me an unexpected gift. If she hadn’t died so young, I would never have gotten tested for BRCA1. Thanks to a simple blood test, I found out early that I carry the BRCA1 genetic mutation that dramatically increases my risk for ovarian and breast cancer. Like Angelina Jolie, I’ve had my ovaries removed to reduce my risk of ovarian cancer, and have undergone a prophylactic double mastectomy. These have been two of the greatest decisions of my life.  

The reports of Rickman and Bowie’s deaths, following so closely by the passing of Natalie Cole and the reminder that her father, Nat King Cole, also died of cancer, forces me to recognize the fight against cancer is far from over. While I’ve taken every precaution to remain healthy and part of my kids’ lives as long as possible, I worry what their future will hold. Cancer will kill an estimated 590,000 people in the United States this year.

How exciting to hear the news from this week’s State of the Union Address that President Obama has appointed Vice President Joe Biden to lead efforts to eradicate cancer. I was heartened to hear the president’s words, “For the loved ones we’ve all lost, for the families that we can still save, let’s make America the country that cures cancer once and for all.”

Like me, Vice President Biden has felt the personal touch of this terrible disease, losing his son Beau to brain cancer last spring. The CDC reports that naturally-occurring smallpox was eradicated in 1977 as a result of concerted, worldwide effort within the medical community to end a centuries-old killer. I’d like to see the successful end to cancer in my lifetime — for me and my children — and for you.

Has your life been touched by cancer? Share your stories in the comments.

Make This the Year to Remember Intentionally

The clock struck midnight a week ago and just like that we got 365 new days full of promise. I’m a resolution person. I’m grateful for new beginnings. This year, I’ve decided to double down on my efforts to celebrate and honor loved ones intentionally.  I’m on a mission. Join me!

Whether it was last year or decades ago that you lost someone close to your heart, make this the year to do something that is a purposeful act remembrance.  On April 12, 2016 I’ll launch my book, Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive, which is full of eighty-five ideas to commemorate those we never want to forget. I call these strategies Forget Me Nots. I’ve shared a few in my previous blogs and on Facebook, which I’ll continue.

Here are a few Forget Me Nots to consider:

Embrace Throwback Thursday. Post a picture of your loved one on social media.  There’s no need to do this every week, but when you do, use the hashtag #tbt.  Making loved ones part of your regular digital life keeps them remarkably present.
Find an old letter with your loved one’s handwriting.  Ask a jeweler to transfer a meaningful word or phrase onto a piece of jewelry.
Frame a love-worn recipe card.  Enjoy it as a piece of art in your kitchen.
Gather a few pieces of their clothing and transform them into throw pillows.
Upload several cherished photos to a Google Doc.  Invite friends and family to add photos, too.  Encourage everyone to write a brief story or caption to accompany each image.  Take joy in remembering together.
Enjoy their favorite foods. My mother loved chocolate ice cream and my father relished Chicken Parmesan.  When I eat either one, I feel a profound and wonderful sense of closeness to my parents.

Remembering can be quick and doesn’t require too much effort. And it’s not just something to do during the holidays! Remembering can happen easily and at anytime — whenever you feel that recognizable tug. How do you remember?  I’d love to hear from you.

By the way, the incredible artwork featured on this post is also featured in my upcoming book by the brilliant illustrator Jennifer Orkin Lewis. Isn’t it just wonderful?

Cheers to a new year of remembering!   

Allison

 

Gwyneth Paltrow and Lessons I’ve Learned From Her Kitchen

Gwyneth Paltrow has a lot to teach us about food and using it to keep the memory of loved ones alive, especially important I think around the holidays.

In her cookbook My Father’s Daughter: Delicious, Easy Recipes Celebrating Family & Togetherness, the Oscar-winning actress writes why cooking is so important to her: “I always feel closest to my father, who was the love of my life until his death in 2002, when I am in the kitchen,” she explains.

The recipes in Paltrow’s book are mostly for everyday foods—salads, burgers, sandwiches, oatmeal, and muffins—and each is accompanied by a personal anecdote. My Father’s Daughter is a fantastic reminder that preparing familiar foods—the ones we likely make by heart and rouse our warmest memories—present perfect opportunities for talking about loved ones.  

As you head into the final days of 2015, embrace those special and ordinary moments in the kitchen — while you’re slicing, dicing, and chopping — to share a story about your loved one.  And while you’re steaming and sauteing, hopefully you’ll hear a good story, too.

To me, it’s not enough that we choose to serve the same cherished dishes year after year.  It’s essential we tell our family and friends why.  

Cheering you on,

Allison

Holiday Giving with Loved Ones in Mind

Maybe your shopping is finished. Chanukah, after all, is already in progress. If you’re searching for a few final things, I’d like to suggest two meaningful gift-giving ideas that will help keep the memory of your loved one alive. I’ll have more next week.

Make a Game of It

Given how much we can do with technology these days, it would be a shame to not harness its benefits for children. Personalize a deck of cards with photographs of living family members and those you’ve lost. By integrating all your loved ones, children are seamlessly taught to value every relationship in their lives.

The same sense of recognition can come from customizing a board book for a toddler or designing your own memory game. There are many companies you can use, but I particularly like Paper Culture because it plants a tree in recognition of every purchase — giving customers the opportunity to dedicate that tree to whomever they wish. It’s a double gift!  And no; I do not have any financial gain by making this suggestion. I just like the idea!

Give Objects Away

There are likely many people who knew and cared about your loved one, but not everyone will have a tangible memento. Maybe you have too many. Items that no longer give you pleasure may make somebody else incredibly happy. Gifting sentimental objects is a lovely and poignant way to share memories.

These ideas are called Forget Me Nots, and I will share many more like them in my Spring 2016 book, Passed and Present (and in blog posts to come). My goal with every Forget Me Not is to provide concepts and strategies for remembering that will also amp up your joy.  

It is possible to look forward, to live a rich and joyful life, while keeping the memory of loved one alive. I’ll show you how. But I’d also love to hear from you. How have you shared the memories of a loved one through gifts? Please share your ideas in the comments below.

Happy holidays!

Allison

A Refresh and a Reveal

As holiday decorations go up and lights twinkle in every direction I have something new and sparkly to share with you as well…two somethings, actually.

I’m thrilled to unveil my new website!  It’s not radically different. In fact, I intentionally refreshed rather than tossed.  My intent is for you to get a sense of renewal (New Year’s is almost here!) while still feeling cozy in familiar surroundings.  Please take a few moments to wander around, get comfortable, and if you don’t mind the blatant request, share it with at least one friend.

My second bit of news is actually rather big — the announcement of my forthcoming book, Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive, coming Spring 2016.

Many of you know I’ve been working on something new, but this is the first I’ve shared any details. I’m honored to have partnered with Jennifer Orkin Lewis, an exceptionally talented and lovely artist. Jennifer’s paintings are featured throughout the book and on its cover. Her work makes my heart soar. You’ll notice her aesthetic on the website, particularly on the homepage.

So, what’s this book all about?

Passed and Present is a one-of-a-kind guide for discovering fun, creative, and inspiring ways to keep the memory of loved ones alive. It’s an upbeat and imaginative handbook — a “how-to” manual, really — for remembering those we miss most. The ideas and concepts can be used at any time of year—whether it’s Christmas or a random Tuesday in June.

I’ve never met anyone who’s completely stopped thinking about the person he or she loved; our memories flood in and out and wash over us at anticipated and unexpected times. The holidays can be especially hard.  But this time of year can also be rich with opportunity!  And that’s exactly where Passed and Present comes into play. This book is about taking action.

Chapter topics include:

Repurpose With Purpose:  Ideas for transforming objects and heirlooms.  Discover ways to reimagine photographs, jewelry, clothing, letters, recipes —virtually any inherited item or memento.
Use Technology:  Strategies for your daily, digital life. Opportunities for using computers, scanners, printers, apps, mobile devices, and websites.
Not Just Holidays:  Tips for remembrance any time of year, day or night, whenever you feel that pull — be it a loved one’s birthday, an anniversary, or just a moment when a memory catches you by surprise.
Monthly Guide:  Christmas, Thanksgiving, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and other special times of year present unique challenges and opportunities. This chapter provides exciting ideas for making the most of them while keeping your loved one’s memory alive.
Places to Go: Destinations around the world where reflecting and honoring loved ones is a communal activity. This concept is called Commemorative Travel.  Also included are suggestions for incorporating aspects of these foreign traditions into your practices at home.

Being proactive about remembering loved ones has a powerful and unexpected benefit:  it can make you happier. The more I’ve incorporated memories into my year-round life—as opposed to sectioning them off to a particular time of year—the more I’ve been able to embrace every part of me: the people who have passed, and all that’s good and fulfilling in my present. This realization has been exciting for me, and made me feel less alone. I want the same for you.

As far as I can tell, Passed and Present is the first book of its kind. I simply can’t wait to share it with you this spring!

Warmly,

Allison

CNN.com OPINION: What I share with Angelina Jolie

In 2007 I had my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed to prevent my getting ovarian cancer.

It was a surgery of the kind that Angelina Jolie recently underwent, as she revealed Tuesday in a New York Times op-ed. Two years ago, Jolie divulged that she’d had a prophylactic double mastectomy — I had done this as well, in 2012.

Along with the effects of the surgeries themselves, we now also share a related fallout: surgical menopause. Continue Reading

Daily Beast: Motherless Daughters and Parentless Parents Trek to the Andes to Aid Orphans

Two authors led 16 of their readers on an arduous, life-changing journey to help the residents of a Peruvian orphanage high in the Andes.

When author Hope Edelman and I started planning a trip that would take 16 of our readers to Peru to work in an orphanage and hike the Andes, we ignored concerns about bringing together a group of women who didn’t know each other and convinced ourselves it was a great idea. Continue Reading