Allison Gilbert's Blog, page 12

Top 4 Ideas for Remembering Mom

My mother died when she was 57. In the two decades she’s been gone, I’ve discovered a critical lesson for healing: The more I take steps to actively remember her — the more I acknowledge what she still means to me — the happier I am. This is because remembering is essential for healing. Absence and presence can coexist and fully embracing this concept is what gives us the greatest strength to move forward. Especially if you’ve lost your mom and Mother’s Day fills you with unease. There are plenty of uplifting ways to celebrate her memory and doing so can bring you a terrific amount of joy.

Here are four of my favorite Forget-Me-Not ideas for remembering and honoring moms who are no longer with us, taken from my book, Passed and Present:

Repurpose her jewelry. Sure, I wear some of my mother’s jewelry as-is, but a few pieces I’ve refashioned altogether to heighten what they mean to me. For example, for my wedding, I had a long strand of my mother’s pearls made into several smaller pieces—a bracelet for me, and a pair of earrings for each of my bridesmaids and maid of honor. Wearing the bracelet (and seeing my friends and family still wearing their earrings) continues to make me feel close to her.

While the pearls help keep my mother’s memory alive, I’ve realized since getting married that meaningful jewelry doesn’t have to be crafted from other jewelry. In the hands of the right artist, virtually any keepsake can be transformed into a necklace, ring, bracelet, or cufflinks. Robert Dancik, an acclaimed jeweler based in Connecticut, creates unique designs out of pieces of the most unusual objects: a book of matches, a word ripped from an old menu, guitar picks, gears from clocks, playing cards, even corks from wine bottles. Consider crafting a piece with Dancik. He does custom work and can be found online at this link.

Keep her words close. Handwritten notes, letters, and greeting cards are wonderful conduits of memory. If you have even a snippet, it’s possible to scan a few words and upload the file to a jeweler. Your mother’s signature can be engraved onto a charm, which you can wear as a necklace. I’m familiar with the work of Emily Jane Designs, but you can likely find a jeweler near you who does similar pieces.

Use social media. Post a picture of your mom on Mother’s Day, along with a short story. By incorporating memories into your digital life, a dual opportunity exists to reflect and receive: You can share memories while simultaneously taking comfort in the stories and support that ricochet back. When I’ve shared pictures of my mother on Facebook, my friends and family chime in with their recollections. Technology is the low-hanging fruit of memory-keeping. Its power can easily be harnessed to keep your mother’s memory alive.

Grow her favorite flowers. Visit your local nursery and buy your mom’s favorite herb, plant, or flower. Plant and grow a memory garden (either in the ground or in several pots) to celebrate what she still means to you. Enjoy and take comfort in the smells, colors, and tastes she loved.

What are some of the ways you plan to remember your mom this Mother’s Day? I’d love you to share your ideas in the comments below.

In celebration of your mother and mine,

Allison

Top 6 Ideas for Repurposing and Upcycling Clothing

Turning clothing into objects you can appreciate every day is a poignant way to keep the memory of loved ones alive. A few years after my father died, I made a quilt out of his colorful assortment of neckties. You can undertake this kind of project by yourself or with the help of others. For the quilt crafted out of my dad’s ties, I worked with the online company, The Gazebo. Below are six more of my favorite ideas for repurposing jackets, shirts, pants, and other articles of clothing:

Make handwoven rugs, table runners, and Moroccan-style poufs out sweatshirts, T-shirts, and jeans. You can also create throw pillows and bean bags.
Create teddy bears out of fleece jackets.
Fashion duffel bags, gym bags, and everyday totes out of corduroy and other thick material with the help of Totes with Tales (www.toteswithtales.com).
Infuse new life into old wool sweaters by morphing them into hair ties, earmuffs, and cozy winter mittens. Artist and upcycler Marcie Chambers Cuff is an expert at this, and her book, This Book Was a Tree, has terrific guidelines to help (www.marciecuff.com).
Mixed-media artist Rebecca Ringquist (www.rebeccaringquist.com) leads workshops across the country inspiring students to incorporate pieces of clothing into meaningful wall-hangings. Her work focuses on embellishing fabric with embroidery — using illustrations, words, and reminiscent phrases.
Decorate indoor or outdoor plantings with “Love Rocks.” To do this, cut a piece of fabric in the shape of a heart and glue it to a smooth stone with craft adhesive. Note: outdoor love rocks need to be waterproofed with acrylic sealer.

The goal with all of these ideas is that your loved ones’ clothing — when meaningfully upcycled or repurposed — will spark happy memories every time you see it. Even better, these new objects will serve as an essential conversation piece, paving the way to share your memories with others.

What creative ways have you repurposed clothing? Please share your ideas in the comments below.

Allison

Join the #MemoryBash Movement

Today begins a national movement to make remembering loved ones as fun and joyful as a birthday party or wedding. Come join individuals across the country — in New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago, Atlanta, Minneapolis, among many other cities — for a MEMORY BASH. Together, we’ll celebrate and learn new ways to remember the family and friends we never want to forget.

What Is A Memory Bash?

A Memory Bash is an excuse to get together as a group — eating, drinking, and having a great time — while celebrating loved ones who have passed away in the company of others drawn to do the same. It’s a joyful, innovative idea I write about in Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive. There are Memory Bashes taking place coast to coast. Locations and times can be found by going to my website, www.allisongilbert.com. Even more information is available in this very short video.

Remembering Loved Ones Can Make You Happier

Why join the #MemoryBash movement? Remembering promotes healing and has the power to make you happier. Individuals who honor their connections to the past, who allow loved ones to remain present in their lives, almost always fare better emotionally than those who don’t. Honoring past relationships has proven to have such significant restorative power that noted grief expert, J. William Worden, developed an entire bereavement-recovery theory about it. Worden has coined the term “tasks of mourning.” This concept not only includes remembering as a mandatory tenet, but also underscores the obligation of mourners to take control of the process of remembering. The mourner “needs to take action,” he explains.

Many scholars argue the same. Yet every written source I consulted before I wrote Passed and Present either didn’t provide any specific guidelines for remembering, or failed to provide enough. So this is why I wrote the book. It fills a remarkable void. To my knowledge, it’s the first book of its kind.

Join the #MemoryBash Movement!

The Memory Bash tour is not about me, the author, it’s about you, the reader — I want to hear about your loved ones and what made them so special, and the imprint they left on your heart, and on the world.

While I am taking the Memory Bash party on the road in lieu of a traditional book tour, a Memory Bash can be easily adapted for your home, church, synagogue, grief counseling center, hospice, or neighborhood community organization. In fact, I’ve created a “How to Host a Memory Bash” handbook with specific projects and guidelines for making these events as easy and meaningful as possible. The guide is free, and anyone can request a copy by emailing me. My email address is allisongilbert@allisongilbert.com. Please put “Memory Bash Guide” in the subject line.   

Let’s celebrate our loved ones together! Click here to see when a Memory Bash is coming to your town or city. If your town isn’t listed, let me know and we’ll work to add it as a stop.

I hope to see you very soon at a Memory Bash!

Allison

 

3 Ways to Use Warmer Weather to Strengthen Memories of Loved Ones

The bright yellow pop of daffodils around my neighborhood reminds me of one of the most creative ideas I’ve come across for keeping memories of loved ones alive. Read on for this innovative springtime strategy and two others.  

Grow Daffodils. In a time of loss, give a wicker basket full of daffodil bulbs. The strategy here is for the recipient to plant, if possible, one bulb for every year the loved one lived. Daffodils are the perfect flower for such a happiness-inducing project: as perennials, they’ll come back spring after spring—and they’re virtually indestructible.

Establish a New Spring Ritual.  Every year I look forward to the satisfying ritual of buying a small pot of Forget-me-not flowers—which come in pink and white as well as the familiar blue—to place somewhere I’ll see all day. For the few weeks the flowers last, I enjoy the living, physical reminder of the relationships I had with those I’ve lost. During the course of writing Passed and Present, this poignant symbolism really took hold of me. So much so, I decided to call all strategies for remembering loved ones in the book Forget Me Nots.  

Grow a Memory Garden. In celebration of spring, visit your local nursery to buy your loved one’s favorite herb, plant, or flower. If it isn’t warm enough yet where you live, pick something from a seed and plant catalog to use later. Plant and grow a memory garden (either in the ground or in several pots) to remember those you’ve lost.

Get outside. Smell the flowers. And let the season refresh memories of family and friends you never want to forget.

Cheering you on,

Allison

Memory Bash: A Celebration of Loved Ones and What They Still Mean to Us

It’s my birthday this week! I still love my birthday. The day brings back wonderful memories of my mom and dad who always made the day special. In the years since they’ve passed away, I’ve continued making the day extraordinary — not just for me, but in celebration of their memory. I do this by taking extra care of myself, carving out time to see friends and indulging in foods that make me happy (slice of chocolate cake, anyone?).

It’s in this mindset — celebration over sadness — that I wrote my forthcoming book, Passed and Present. It’s full of fun, innovative ideas for keeping the memory of loved ones alive. I call these ideas Forget Me Nots. One of my favorite Forget Me Nots is hosting a Memory Bash. Similar to a birthday party or book club, a Memory Bash is an excuse to get together as a group — eating, drinking, and having a great time — but in this case, the focus is celebrating loved ones who have passed away in the company of others drawn to do the same. It’s a joyful concept I simply love!

There’s not a single way to do a Memory Bash. You can host in your home, but a local community center, coffee shop, church, or synagogue will also work well and be terrific for larger groups. Ask guests to bring one or two cherished photos (or photocopies of photos) of their loved one. In between cocktails and hors d’oeuvres, or coffee and cake, guests can chat, hang out, and create simple keepsakes that encourage conversation and sharing memories.

Below is one of my favorite projects you can do at your Memory Bash. You’ll find more ideas in Passed and Present.

Create a Memory Magnet – This is a great activity that ensures cherished pictures are taken out of under-appreciated photo albums and given prominence, perhaps on a refrigerator. You’ll need epoxy bubble stickers, magnets with adhesive backing, and scissors. First, affix the epoxy stickers (sticky-side down) to the top of your picture, giving it a glass-like finish. Next, cut a piece of magnetic strip to the size and shape of your sticker and place it on the back. Done! In less than five minutes, guests have created a Memory Magnet they can appreciate every day.

I absolutely love Memory Bash events! I enjoy them so much that I’m taking the Memory Bash concept on the road for my upcoming book tour. Please find the preliminary schedule on my website. If the Memory Bash tour is coming to your city, I hope you’ll mark the date and celebrate your loved one with me.

Sending you happiness and good memories!

Allison

On Your Wedding Day: Five Ways to Honor Loved Ones Who’ve Passed Away

My mother was losing her battle with ovarian cancer when Mark asked me to marry him. Because she likely wouldn’t make it to our wedding, my thoughtful husband-to-be went out of his way to include her in every secret and elaborate strategy he had for his proposal. Mark made sure my mom knew exactly where it was going to happen and when, and he lovingly elevated her role in the planning to full-on co-conspirator by involving her in the ruse to get me exactly where I needed to be that day. Mark and I celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary this year and I remain just as grateful today as I did back then for what he did for me, but especially my mom, two decades ago.

Mom didn’t live to see us get married but she was very much part of the wedding. Most couples also want their loved ones to be part of the ceremony and celebration. Below I share five opportunities for including those you’ve lost in your special day.

1. Transform their handwriting. Allison Hansen’s mother used to scribble notes and put them in her lunchbox every day. “Sometimes she would write a poem, sometimes just a simple message telling me to smile and have a good day,” she told me, fondly recalling the loving ritual. So when, four years after her mother had passed away, Hansen was planning her wedding in 2014, she could think of no better way to honor her memory than by incorporating a fragment of her mother’s handwriting into the festive occasion.

From one of her mother’s lunchbox notes, Hansen scanned the words “Love, Mom.” Once she uploaded the file to a jewelry company in California, the signature was engraved onto a charm, which Hansen could wear as a necklace or wrap around her bouquet. She reflected, “It was such a simple yet powerful reminder of her unconditional love and support.” Hansen worked with Emily Jane Designs, but you can likely find a jeweler near you who does similar work.

Image from Emily Jane Designs.

2. Craft their image into art. Dutch artist Miranda van Dijk creates the most astonishing memory art I’ve ever seen. Working with photos sent to her, she transfers the image onto a piece of unbleached cotton, coats it with starch, and painstakingly crafts the stiffened fabric into the shape of a flower, leaf, or set of branches. I love the idea of using her designs as meaningful centerpieces, decorative chair backs, or nestling them into a wedding bouquet or canopy. Van Dijk’s work was inspired by the loss of her grandmother, and it shows—she tenderly incorporates her personal experience and sensitivity into each piece she makes. Visit her site here.

Image from Puur Anders.

3. Call attention to their absence. Embrace your wedding day as an opportunity to reflect. Light a candle in their honor. List their names on the program. Leave an empty chair at your reception. I especially like the idea of recognizing the event’s significance by writing a letter—to yourself or to someone else—detailing what the occasion would have meant to your loved one. At my wedding, Mark and I got married under a canopy of my mother’s scarves. This was a visual declaration she was with us that day. It was also a fantastic conversation starter. You can see the picture at the top of this blog.

4. Fashion unexpected jewelry. I had a long strand of my mother’s pearls made into several smaller pieces—a bracelet for me, and a pair of earrings for each of my bridesmaids and maid of honor. Wearing the bracelet still makes me feel close to her. And my best friend from college recently told me over dinner, “Whenever I wear those earrings, I think of your mom.”

While the pearls keep my mother’s memory alive, I’ve realized since then that meaningful jewelry doesn’t have to be crafted from other jewelry. In the hands of the right artist, virtually any keepsake can be transformed into a necklace, ring, bracelet, or cufflinks. Robert Dancik, an acclaimed jeweler based in Connecticut, creates one-of-a-kind pieces out of the most unusual objects: a book of matches, a word ripped from an old menu, guitar picks, gears from clocks, playing cards, even corks from wine bottles. Dancik hardly ever uses items whole—he embeds slivers of them into a lightweight artists’ cement he invented and then shapes the material into whatever design he imagines before it hardens. “The material I use is symbolic of what I am trying to do for my clients,” he told me. “By encasing precious objects in cement, I protect memories forever.” Consider crafting a meaningful piece of jewelry to match your dress, vest, or cummerbund. Dancik can be found online at this link.

Image from Robert Dancik; pin made from a leather button from a father’s favorite jacket, pearl, and semi-precious stones.

5. Let your father walk you down the aisle. If your father can’t be with you, I adore the idea of attaching small photo charms to the back of each shoe so your dad can symbolically walk you down the aisle. Pendants can be custom ordered and made small enough nobody knows they’re there except you. These inconspicuous charms also make a great gift for a bride who’s lost someone special, not just her father. I’ve discovered many wonderful artists who can pull this off by searching “bridal shoe charms” on www.etsy.com.

Image from Etsy vendor, Saving Face Jewellery.

Nothing can replace having your loved one with you on your wedding day. But taking proactive steps to find creative and meaningful ways to keep their memory alive during your celebration will be something you and your family will always cherish. I hope these suggestions are helpful and spark ideas of your own. I’d love to hear how you plan to include (or did include) loved ones on your wedding day. Please share in the comments below.

May your wedding day be full of memories and joy!

Allison

Teaching Their Daughter About the Grandparents She Never Met

David Alan Basche and Alysia Reiner are a Hollywood power couple. You know Basche from the TV Land comedy, The Exes, and he’s starred in shows like The Starter Wife and Lipstick Jungle, and appeared in such films as United 93 and War of The Worlds. What you likely don’t know is that he lost his father when he was six and makes the conscious decision nearly every day to bring him up in conversation. Basche wants to make sure his daughter knows the grandfather she never met. More on his amazing wife Reiner in a bit.

For Basche, the key to keeping his father’s memory alive is a tiny hourglass he’s saved all these years, a cherished object from his childhood. Here’s how he explained the loss of his father and this sentimental object to me:

As for Reiner, the actress who plays “Fig” on Orange Is the New Black and the district attorney on How to Get Away with Murder, she lost her father more recently, in 2002. A few years after he died, as a way to honor his memory, she created Speed Grieving, a short film about loss. Now, with Reiner’s latest movie Equity getting into Sundance and being sold to Sony Pictures Classics, the opportunity to celebrate her dad’s memory has taken on greater significance. 

She told me, “As much as Speed Grieving was in honor my dad, making Equity was in some ways more so. There was much more work involved, and all the skills he taught me — team building, leading, empowering others — all came into play. Making the film made me feel incredibly close to him. It’s a wonderful feeling that I talk about with my daughter. My father, like David’s dad, is a part of our daughter’s life because he’s still such an essential part of mine.”

Like Basche and Reiner, it’s important to me that my children feel connected to my parents. I tell stories about them and cook many of the foods they enjoyed. Have you found ways to share memories of your loved ones? Please share in the comments.

Best wishes,

Allison

Featured images courtesy of Alysia Reiner and www.davidalanbasche.com. 

Five Innovative Ways to Use Photos To Remember Loved Ones

Photos in frames. Pictures on your phone. Images are essential tools for remembering loved ones. Want fresh ideas for using snapshots? Here are five opportunities for using photos to remember the family and friends you never want to forget:

1. Fabricate history. Do you remember the video of Natalie Cole singing “Unforgettable” with her father, Nat King Cole? Of course they were never in the studio together, but technology made it possible to blend their images and voices. If you’re technologically inclined you could do something similar with family photos. Using Photoshop, help children see for themselves the physical traits they’ve inherited from family members. Start with a good facial-depicting photo from contrasting generations, one younger and one elder. Then edit the images together so it appears they were taken at the same time. With the resulting product, the newest generation will observe something extraordinary—they actually do have “Grandma’s smile” and “Uncle Willie’s” eyes!  This is the photo I did for my family.  My daughter never met my mother.  My mom died many years before she was born.  In the photo above, I took two images — one of my mother and me and a separate picture of Lexi — to create one priceless and improbable image of all of us.

2. A different kind of scrapbook. Nobody has done more to stretch my understanding and appreciation of scrapbooks than Jessica Helfand, senior critic in graphic design at the Yale University School of Art and lecturer at Yale College. In her book Scrapbooks: An American History, Helfand examines more than two hundred scrapbooks and argues they represent an essential and authoritative form of “visual autobiography.” And while the photos she analyzed were used to create personal narratives, Helfand opened my eyes to considering the memory-preserving opportunities of making biographical scrapbooks—that is, a scrapbook about another person. To create a biographical scrapbook, start by gathering snapshots of your loved one. Once you’ve collected the pictures, locate a few pieces of memorabilia that bring back positive memories—letters and ticket stubs are great for this purpose. Then, find images that put all those objects into their historical context.  By going out of your way to include these additional flourishes, you’re able to root your loved one in history, making his or her life and legacy more tangible. Pictures of significant moments (presidential elections), public figures (actors and athletes), and common household objects (popular appliances used during their lifetime) are examples of terrific scene setters.

3. Create a Memory Magnet. A CBS News poll taken not too long ago identified just how much Americans love refrigerator magnets; 87 percent of respondents adorn their fridges with magnets that display everything from red and yellow alphabet letters to favorite vacation destinations and beer. If you’d like to keep a loved one in the center of your everyday life, you can easily create Memory Magnets using small family photos, epoxy stickers, and magnetic sheets. (The latter two are widely available online and in craft stores.) First, affix the epoxy stickers (sticky-side down) to the top of your picture, giving it a glasslike finish. Next, cut a piece of magnetic strip to the size and shape of your sticker and place it on the back. Done! In less than five minutes, you’ve made a Memory Magnet you can appreciate every day.

4. Reconsider your reflection. Look at yourself in a mirror. What grabs your attention first? Make-up icon Bobbi Brown hopes you see more than any perceived flaw or imperfection. In the book About Face: Women Write About What They See When They Look in the Mirror, Brown states: “A mirror can and should be a tool that empowers you.” To Brown, this means embracing your reflection and applying cosmetics to enhance “what is naturally unique, and therefore beautiful, in every woman.” I adore this notion. I’m also convinced empowerment can stem from using a mirror to build a deeper connection to the past. To draw strength from family, surround a mirror with photographs of your relatives and ancestors—and then compare their features against your own. Notice the physical traits you have in common—the shape of your eyes, the curve or angle of your nose, the color of your skin. You can decorate a mirror by inserting photos around the perimeter or permanently affixing photocopies with specialty glue and sealer. Either way, you’ll be adding your reflection to a personal and stirring mosaic every time you look in its direction.

5. Make a game of it. Given how much we can do with technology these days, it would be a shame to not harness its benefits for children. Personalize a deck of cards with photographs of living family members and those you’ve lost. By integrating all your loved ones, children are seamlessly taught to value every relationship in their lives. The same sense of recognition can come from customizing a board book for a toddler or designing your own memory game. And, if you work with the eco-friendly website www.paperculture.com to create these projects or others, the company will plant a tree in recognition of every purchase—giving customers the opportunity to dedicate that tree to whomever they wish.

I’d love to hear your ideas for using photos in non-traditional ways.  Please share in the comments below.

Enjoy!

Allison

Discover and Celebrate Your Ancestral Roots

It wasn’t too long ago that Don Lemon, anchor of CNN Tonight with Don Lemon, went on an emotional journey to Africa to learn his ancestral history. It was a heartening experience, one that seemed wholly impossible to Lemon before it began. The newsman writing, “I am often envious of my friends who can recite stories about ancestors that have been handed down through generations. I can’t do that. As a descendant of slavery in America, that hasn’t felt possible for me.”

That was until Lemon got DNA testing. Lemon was then able to trace his family tree to Nigeria, Cameroon, and the Congo, and the knowledge, he says, was transformative. After reading an advance copy of my new book Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive (April 12, 2016), Lemon told me, “I didn’t know these details until recently and the discovery has driven me to appreciate those I love and those I’ve lost even more.”

For Lemon, the journey was especially personal, and the message of my new book even more resonant. “Most people don’t know I lost my father when I was young. I wear his ring all the time. Passed and Present is an important and timely book. Your creative ideas for remembering arrive at just the right moment in history, guiding millions of us who are yearning to recognize and pay tribute to our past.”

We are living in an exciting time, indeed historic, with the incredible advent of DNA testing being so readily accessible and affordable. Ancestry.com, through its AncestryDNA testing program, makes it possible to trace family trees through 26 ethnic regions from around the world, including 9 regions in Africa.

Whatever you know of your family’s heritage savor it and share it. Keep those memories alive. If you’ve yet to begin a search, start with your family, expanding over time to online sources such as Ancestry.com and RootsWeb. You may also find inspiration from the PBS show, Finding Your Roots with Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

Celebrating our histories,

Allison

Above: Don Lemon taking a last look at a fishing port in Ghana near the place where his ancestors left Africa as slaves in the 1800’s. Photo credit CNN.

Share Your Love Story and Tell Theirs

Love is in the air, and everyone loves a love story. In the movie industry, that quirky moment when the two main love interests are introduced to one another is called a “meet cute.” They might be rather predictable in film, but real life often has more intrigue and romance. After all, when you meet a new couple, don’t you often ask, “How did you meet?” I find the same question one that helps us share the love stories of our loved ones who have passed away.

This Valentine’s Day consider sharing the great love stories of your loved ones. My paternal grandparents were deeply in love for decades of marriage. My grandmother never remarried after my grandfather died. I asked her why once and she said, “Why? What would be the point when I already had the best?”

I hope someday our children will share with their children the love story Mark and I have together. We met as teenagers and counselors at a summer sleepaway camp and were immediately smitten. The rest, as they say, is history. This year we’ll celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary.

Yet, February 14 provides a wonderful excuse to honor every type of love, not just the romantic kind. So, what made the relationship with your loved one – parent, aunt, uncle, sibling, friend, child, or spouse – so special? As Valentine’s Day approaches, gather a few photos, handwritten notes, or cards and post them online. Share with others why this person meant so much to you.

Celebrate love this week and always.

Allison