Glenna McCarthy's Blog
September 4, 2021
The STRAY
When you left
I felt sad and betrayed..
It was an old feeling that
I never wanted to feel again
It was my father leaving
it was my brother never
even acknowledging me
and a mother that didnt want me
You were another Leaver
then felt I wasnt important enough
I am now an adult and
I realized that as a child/ teen
I had left myself also
I used my body as
a garbage can
and became an entertainer
to keep people around
I used shock value to be relevent
and no longer invisible
I finally told myself
that I cannot change the past
or swim in bitterness anymore
because I have me
and I finally learned what
healthy love is and it starts
with me
As long as I care about me
and if I need companionship
there are millions of loving
animals that will lie with
you and give you the attention
you were starved of as a child
I came back and gave myself
a hug..
an apology
and a quality of life
August 29, 2021
Long-Term Trauma Survivors As Emotional Hostages
I remember thinking when I was first diagnosed with ptsd that it kinda made sense to me. My house was kinda like a battlefield. But when I’d discovered cptsd it made complete sense. My house was completely like a POW camp.
I come across people all the time who have been diagnosed with cptsd but don’t associate any of their upbringing to any kind of prison or cult-like atmosphere. For me, cptsd was validation that it was all the things that happened to me that were causing all these symptoms. For these people, the diagnosis brought no comfort to them at all.
As I sat and thought about how some of these stories differed, it wasn’t that the abuse wasn’t as traumatizing as mine, even if there wasn’t physical violence involved. The difference was that somewhere within me I knew that what happened to me was total bs, whereas a…
View original post 354 more words
Young ForEver?
I’m Sorry
For all those nights
I did you wrong
I’m Sorry
For making you be my puppet
I used you as a pin cushion with drugs
I sold you, and cut you
to have a release
I didn’t nourish you properly
And my mind always
I apologize with all
My heart
Mind, Body and Soul
Because now I finally
See the disconnect
The disassociation
I know you kept score
because my nerves
are still shot…
I finally have my
Mind under control
and my body is failing me
Im sorry.
Bullied you
July 11, 2021
You moved on
I feel like I am balling
Since you aint calling
I couldn’t do what
It aint about crying
I am talking about flying
you do best, which is
putting someone to rest and
moving on to the next
I created you
I made you
In my mind
I created an illusion
But the reality is
You were a smooth talker
A yes-man…
for a price
You were a taker
Thank you
For being you
and making a choice
that I couln’t
and separating us
Afterall
You can’t lose something
you never had
and you helped bring me
outta the fog
and taught me
that sometimes
losing
is the best thing
to help you gain
yourself and your
life back again.
March 10, 2021
Healthy Goodbyes
Since my life was built on EXTREMES everything got labeled and categorized. Either friend/foe threat/pushover love/hate. Since everything was black and white there were no shades of gray (or so I thought). Co-dependency is typical in addicts and I was not an exception to the rule. We do not see our actions or see what part we play in the toxicity in relationships. The reality is that I did not know how to love someone because I didn’t believe anyone truly loved me, I didn’t know how to be a friend because I was too busy studying those I considered enemies. My point is that after going to therapy at the Crime Victim Treatment Center I finally believed that there are good people out there. I had “Hope” and self-awareness for a change. I had stopped looking for new SOUL mates in the parole offices and stopped looking for “Hostages”…
View original post 359 more words
The SPIRIT of THE DANCER
The women were scattered and sticking to their uncomfortable comfort zones
There was a boom box by the officer’s area which mainly consisted of standing at the door
The door back to the inside of the Rose M Singer Center
Which was a women’s detention center
Which sat on top of a landfill called Rikers Island
Planes would fly overhead frequently due to an Airport nearby
Everyone had awkward poses and either watched others
Or overcompensated with explaining the simplest of situations
With theatrics and dramatics speaking loud and talking with their hands
But that’s the sign language of street new yorkers
I sat there looking at the planes and my thoughts were erratic
I couldn’t believe this was my life
And thought about being on one of those planes
And then thought about where would I go?
I figured this is a bad movie so happiness doesn’t exist
So…
View original post 162 more words
EMPATHY & or MASOCHISM?
I walked past “your corner”
on my way home from work tonight
The wind was strong and I was cold
I looked at your “spot” on the ground
(the corner) where you sat religiously…
You are not there anymore…
I am happy and sad because I do not like
“Not knowing” what happened to you.
I never wanted to care, you were just a beggar
I swore I wouldn’t fall for your panhandling “hustle”
and I am not enabling you…
but one day I couldn’t help but ask
“Do you really make enough money to go through
all this and is it really worth it?”
we talked and you explained your life,
you were so young and lost
you sat in the scalding sun
you sat in the freezing cold
I would talk to you every day
you were a familiar face
I wanted you to strive for more
but it still feels odd without…
View original post 116 more words
To the Broken
I am routing for you
May you learn to smell the roses again
Possibly for the first time…
May you learn to find happiness
Without the aid of drugs and alcohol
May a love so great
come into your life that
it cannot be denied
or scrutinized
Your face will glow
and heart will sing
and it will take away
the pain and skeptics’
Your spirit has been stifled
and your heart Corroded
I pray that you may
re-capture your innocence
That was taken away
Although the
World has shamed you
Remember you were just
A child trying to find
Your way in a maze
of chutes and ladders
May the wind bring a burst
of freshness and Spring
and not a new contaminant
or news of despair
To the broken
I am routing for you
for you are not alone
February 15, 2021
The SPIRIT of THE DANCER
The women were scattered and sticking to their uncomfortable comfort zones
There was a boom box by the officer’s area which mainly consisted of standing at the door
The door back to the inside of the Rose M Singer Center
Which was a women’s detention center
Which sat on top of a landfill called Rikers Island
Planes would fly overhead frequently due to an Airport nearby
Everyone had awkward poses and either watched others
Or overcompensated with explaining the simplest of situations
With theatrics and dramatics speaking loud and talking with their hands
But that’s the sign language of street new yorkers
I sat there looking at the planes and my thoughts were erratic
I couldn’t believe this was my life
And thought about being on one of those planes
And then thought about where would I go?
I figured this is a bad movie so happiness doesn’t exist
So you might as well get tough and be reckless
But deep down I knew I wasn’t that tough or mean
The music was loud and I couldn’t loosen up and enjoy the rhythm
But then I saw a woman that I had seen when she was being intaken
And she had layers of clothes like a BAGLADY
Like the type that was homeless on was talking to herself
But then the song changed and she went into the center of this outside rec area
And started to dance
She had me mesmerized
She had moves I have never seen before
Simple, not overstated but the rhythm was magical
Still in her own world
But now her world made sense
And she had the beauty of someone that had never
been part of society so stopped worrying about who was watching
I almost envied her
The outskirts of women watched her
and there was a weird connection between
What seemed all of us
[image error]January 13, 2021
Midlife Crisis?
I have been told I am an Empath
I have also been told that I was a problem child
I have been told that I was cognitively deficient
I have been told a lot of things…
But then I went back to school
to learn, to excel, and to prove my worth
To prove I am not a problem, or stupid
But then I found all of the answers I so desperately
sought were based on theory??
Do you mean all of these past critics were
just actors, playing their parts better than I?
All the criticisms but no real practical solutions
Everyone was an expert…with my life
The nerve to play GOD with practices based on theories
I have come a long way
But the voice of doubt still likes
To have its fun at my expense
But…
then I saw Trump get elected
And saw so many believed in him
And I told myself if this buffoon
Can pull this off
There are no limits so let
me get on my job
and stop watching others
