Glenna McCarthy's Blog, page 11

By the way…

 

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I love your company

I love the energy you bring

so please…don’t make me kill you

There are two categories I live by

Friend or Foe

there are no shades of gray

I do not have the time or

the emotional energy

to weed out the disappointments

I have learned to bob and weave

through the swarms of people

that I have to share the earth with

I have learned to avoid possible enemies

so, if you get close to me and make

myself take a chance to feel again

and you turn on me I will have

a reaction that you don’t want to see

and I don’t want to feel

The beast within

that will want to hurt you

but in reality, I will just shut down

and my spirit will die once again

so inadvertently I will kill myself.

 

 

 

 

 

Slow can be fierce

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Listen to my body language

Take the time to know, see and feel

how much love I have to give…

help me take my armor off

and leave it in arms reach

now knowing if I will need it again

I want to feel safe and loved and

know that the body warmth I feel

is not a “Trickster” that preys on

broken hearts and spirits.

help me take my armor off where 

I won’t need to leave it in arms reach

and won’t feel the need to put it back on

again, If the energy is right

SLOW can be FIERCE 

 

 

Is the MAGIC GONE?

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Sex, lust, and ego (superficial). The American dream ( I guess). To feel sexy, desirable and charismatic. I guess being wealthy is a no-brainer as well. Just how far will you go to achieve these ideals? Starvation, Plastic surgery, bulimia? and in case you are already slender what are you trying to add? (to your presentation) implants ?.To be honest I have had sex with more people than I would like to admit. I have only had three orgasms in my life that were not self-administered. One day one of my partners got tired of being selfish and said,” what do you like?tell me what you want me to do” I was dumbstruck because I didn’t have a clue what would feel good at that point. I almost felt pressured to say what I thought he wanted to hear but I just put the focus back on him so I would not be under close eye watch for (Action / Reaction). Now let’s just say you are a “hotty” that feels your sexual energy is in abundance, I envy you I guess although I am a little lazy at this stage in the game to be a sex kitten on demand. I carried K-Y in my pocket for two decades due to going through a long DRY period (literally) so I can’t blame my lack of enthusiasm on age because this has ben going on for a long time. My point is the question of whether you can learn to appreciate SEX again after years of sexual trauma and sex that wasn’t enjoyable?

Is the MAGIC gone?

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Sex, lust, and ego (superficial). The American dream ( I guess). To feel sexy, desirable and charismatic. I guess being wealthy is a no-brainer as well. Just how far will you go to achieve these ideals? Starvation, Plastic surgery, bulimia? and in case you are already slender what are you trying to add? (to your presentation) implants ?.To be honest I have had sex with more people than I would like to admit. I have only had three orgasms in my life that were not self-administered. One day one of my partners got tired of being selfish and said,” what do you like?tell me what you want me to do” I was dumbstruck because I didn’t have a clue what would feel good at that point. I almost felt pressured to say what I thought he wanted to hear but I just put the focus back on him so I would not be under close eye watch for (Action / Reaction). Now let’s just say you are a “hotty” that feels your sexual energy is in abundance, I envy you I guess although I am a little lazy at this stage in the game to be a sex kitten on demand. I carried K-Y in my pocket for two decades due to going through a long DRY period (literally) so I can’t blame my lack of enthusiasm on age because this has ben going on for a long time. My point is the question of whether you can learn to appreciate SEX again after years of sexual trauma and sex that wasn’t enjoyable?

PILLOW FIGHT?

Source: PILLOW FIGHT?

Its too late to play house

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I know that all people have their faults and we all have had our challenges

I know that we have to let the past go and move on…

which comes to my point. I have gotten accustomed to being ALONE

It was not my choice it was my family way

Every man and (woman) for them self

Well it taught me to be competitive because I had nothing

but an EGO to feed. I also ran to drugs to self medicate

I know I lived up to being the loser I was told I would be,

my mother told me I was not pretty when I was a child

A matter of fact statement so it was not said in anger

it was just her opinion. When I eventually sold my body

I was shocked that anyone would pay to touch me since

I wasn’t exceptional in any kind of way

A warped sense of self and a warped sense of the world.

The street seemed more welcoming than my home

Now my mother is old and needs help, I am clean and sober now

so some say that is the reason for her change of heart.

I disagree I feel that I am convenient now because now

she needs someone. The problem is I was never hugged

or loved by her and all I remember is the tantrums and the emotional

and physical abuse. Then she buys me things and comes off as

being a supportive person. I am still struggling financially

but once I finish Grad school I will not have any excuse to take any more

hand outs. It makes me feel shameful that I am “being bought” since

I don’t feel there is true love between us. We use each other, she wants to have

someone to call when she feels alone, the same way I did as a child.

What bothers me is I dont feel genuine and I don’t feel happy around her

the energy is so toxic so is’nt it a little late

to pretend that we like each other?

 

DREAMS or NIGHTMARES?

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due to having PTSD I am constantly in therapy and psychiatrist offices. One of the favorite questions I am asked is if I have NIGHTMARES. I say, “No, they are like my life was , violent, crazy, lost and lonely but that is not a nightmare that is how my life was” so I finally ask myself Do people have happy dreams?

The lengths we go through… and for what?

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Chutes and Ladders

Once I laid down in a row of beds (50 in total) the woman who I was in arms reach of her face at the head of my bed introduced herself. Within two minutes she asked me if I “smoked” inquiring about nicotine. At the time smoking had been taken out of RIKERS ISLAND but where there is a will there is a way. Not to mention corruption, due to the fact that the illegal contraband was brought in mainly by the same people who were our “captors” whom were the officers. She was an older woman that had no teeth and when I asked her what happened she said during an argument with her “get high” buddy she had broken her denture while she was biting her associate during the scuffle. Since illegal lighters were hard to find she explained how we would light the tobacco with a battery and wires from “headphones” and she knew someone that had the tobacco but you needed to have commissary to trade. I believe it was a Chips ahoy Cookie pack, Two honey buns and two Kool-Aids If I wanted a REAL NEWPORT it would cost me ten dollars in trade. After coaxing and getting a message from the girl (young) that was a wanna be “Scarface” of loose tobacco that she had no problem “cutting someone” which was saying that if I ratted her out. Why would I tell an officer when they are the ones that probably gave it to you??? loll (crazy life). Once she had asserted her tough guy persona after a painstaking fiasco of finding a battery, then finding someone that was willing to strip their headphone wire and they all wanted a piece of the action. Me, my new-found friend that likes to bite during fights, the wire master and the battery queen all piled into the corner of the shower to get our reward. I took one drag and handed it to the rest and said,” You keep it I am done” and haven’t smoked since.

The lengths we go through… for what?

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Chutes and Ladders

Once I laid down in an a row of beds (50 in total) the woman who I was in arms reach of her face at the head of my bed introduced herself. Within two minutes she asked me if I “smoked” inquiring about nicotine. At the time smoking had been taken out of RIKERS ISLAND but where there is a will there is a way. Not to mention corruption, due to the fact that the illegal contraband was brought in mainly by the same people who were our “captors” whom were the officers. She was an older women that had no teeth and when I asked her what happened she said during an argument with her “get high” buddy she had broken her denture while she was biting her associate during the scuffle. Since illegal lighters were hard to find she explained how we would light the tobacco with a battery and wires from “head phones” and she knew someone that had the tobacco but you needed to have commissary to trade. I believe it was a Chips ahoy Cookie pack, Two honey buns and two Kool Aids If I wanted a REAL NEWPORT it would cost me ten dollars in trade. After coaxing and getting a message from the girl (young) that was a wanna be “Scarface” of loose tobacco that she had no problem “cutting someone” which was saying that if I ratted her out. Why would I tell an officer when they are the ones that probably gave it to you??? loll (crazy life). Once she had asserted her tough guy persona after a pain staking fiasco of finding a battery, than finding someone that was willing to strip their head phone wire and they all wanted a piece of the action. Me, my new-found friend that likes to bite during fights, the wire master and the battery queen all piled into the corner of the shower to get our reward. I took one drag and handed it to the rest and said,” You keep it I am done” and haven’t smoked since.

The tides are changing

 

One day a woman called me a (low life) during an argument

Instead of retaliating with curses and obscenities

I simply said,”Well since you are way at the top

(using my right hand to demonstrate)

and I am way at the bottom

(using my other hand to show the difference)

There is ONLY one way for me to go

AND THAT IS UP!

[image error] there is only one way for you to go

AND THAT IS DOWN!

I will wave as we pass by each other…