Glenna McCarthy's Blog, page 10

Investment of SELF

Feeling overwhelmed by noise/crowds and the hustle bustle of NYC can make a person climb into their bed like it is a hiding place after a draining day that felt like an emotional war and physical storm. To strive and thrive one has to choose their battles and sometimes just doing what is necessary is enough of a burden and challenge.

It is a funny feeling to feel anti social due to anxiety and lack of energy but still want to feel that you will not have to walk the walk of loneliness forever. Its also a funny feeling to feel bashful and awkward to share your baggage with another but at the same time feel you are to good to settle.

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Self Investment

Feeling overwhelmed by noise/crowds and the hustle bustle of NYC can make a person climb into their bed like it is a hiding place after a draining day that felt like an emotional war and physical storm. To strive and thrive one has to choose their battles and sometimes just doing what is necessary is enough of a burden and challenge.

It is a funny feeling to feel anti social due to anxiety and lack of energy but still want to feel that you will not have to walk the walk of loneliness forever. Its also a funny feeling to feel bashful and awkward to share your baggage with another but at the same time feel you are to good to settle.[image error]

Stripping (the clothes of shame)

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Just like the visible scars you see on your body

the other ones are there as well

They are the emotional scars that you have acquired

Some might say “Get over it” and make you

shrug it off but your subconscious mind is

taking notes and etching the stigmas/labels

and comments in your heart, spirit and soul.

SO…

I am undressing and talking off that coat

that says FELON on the back

I am taking off my pants that say

I was a SEX WORKER on the side

I am taking off my shirt that

says someone feels I am a low life

I am flinging my socks that say

I never had any ground (foundation)

to walk on or to call my own

As Eminem said,

“I am cleaning out my closet”

throwing out anything

with a negative attachment

because those were labels that

were acquired and the judgements

were made by others so just like the

child that felt trapped in a world

that I didn’t want to be in… now it is

time to show that child the nightmare is finally over.

Hiding

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I am in a hotel in a place that I have only dreamed about

My baggage is too heavy to go anywhere

I am hiding in the gym on the 1rst floor

sitting on the floor because I didn’t

know where else to go.I am using my computer

as a distraction because I needed an escape

The baggage I was referring to earlier was

emotional and sorry to say the human company

I travel with. When there is mental health

as well as addiction in your family tree

you can use it as an excuse (which I have)

for many years (decades) but the game is over

I take my own demons with me where ever I go

Happy to say some demons have retired or moved on

but I still have enough where I can only carry

my own baggage and not carry another’s

There are beautiful people in the world but

how can you feel the warmth if you let yourself

stay in a cold place.

 

 

To my DADDY

[image error]It has been a while, 1995 since you passed

We were both dying at that time

or so I was told…

so my attention was selfish

I hope there is peace on the other side

and no more pain or un-comfortability

no need to self-medicate

like we felt we had to do here

You were the only happiness I

remember as a child and although

you were struggling with alcohol

I was struggling with addiction

I wasn’t there for you while you

expired because my anger and confusion

fueled my own self-destruct mission

In two days I am traveling to Belfast, Ireland

to finally stand at your resting site

seeing where you grew up and saying goodbye

at your grave site but I hope I will see you again

one day when I get there…

Its time to BAKE a new CAKE

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Time to re-assess

To learn new ingredients because

the chefs that taught you were tainted

and the food was spoiled.

BUILD a new HOUSE

because the house you lived in was not a home…

Draw a new PICTURE because

you were taught to

paint yourself into a corner

labels, stigmas, opinions etc.

Blacksheep, sub culture/counter culture

smart, dumb, pretty, ugly

your teachers were just at an advantage

one-man’s ceiling is another man’s floor

so the people that were above us or left their

sad, bad impressions are just one level and

there are many ceilings and floors above them

and then there is the sky

 

 

Growth in hardships

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As a child, I felt so uncomfortable and out of sync with the world around me and had no clue why. Once I learned to laugh/ joke as children do I became addicted to pranks and laughter as an escape. Being uncomfortable within can lead to being self-absorbed and assuming that everyone else is free game. The jokes even included laughing about being “Toothless” as well as HIV/ AIDS because it was so mysterious in its origin. The point I am making is when a lot of labels and stigmas came knocking on my door I was mortified that now I was part of those populations. I already knew what feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable was as a child but now my problems were documented and there was no way to hide behind shallow jokes and games. Mind you I was a teen when I was going through my rebellious stage but that stage continued into a downward spiral for over 25 Yrs. My life has been a rough ride but I am happy that I learned to have a real sense of compassion and empathy. I was walking to work today and rushing like usual trying to bob and weave around people whom I consider obstacles due to anxiety, I finally said to myself you don’t have to run anymore, you can slow down and feel your body and not just the aches and pains but the spirit that is starting to glow again.

 

 

TOXIC (LOVE?)

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Unconditional love is hard to define

Dos it mean (Ride or Die) ?

Does it mean that you love someone enough to

LET THEM GO

and wish them the best?

I was very used to growing

up with CONDITIONAL LOVE

because in a drop of a hat

I could be moved, thrown out

or emotionally and physically abused

depending on my guardians wacko

moods and behavior…

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree

because I felt now that I am in charge

and proved my loyalty and feelings

with people pleasing and enabling

what could possibly go wrong??

I had no clue what a healthy relationship

looked like or felt

I would go from hot to cold

because if I felt violated or betrayed

I would become a Psycho…

I didn’t know how to separate because

I needed someone to be my other half

(Co dependency)  where relationships

are more like hostages …I am scared to try

relationships again because I am doing so well

BY MYSELF but  I can’t isolate forever

 

 

 

What should I do? tis the question

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The phone rings and I don’t recognize the number

I keep to myself these days so I figure

it might be a telemarketer

It rings and rings and finally I answer

just to tell them to go (Jack off)

but I hear a familiar voice and cringe

I go through the motions and say,

“Hi, how are you doing”

meanwhile I don’t want to know

It feels like an energy vampire

sucking the life out of me

even through a phone

My life is so challenging

and can be emotionally and physically

exhausting so I don’t have the energy

to play games with someone that never

brought joy to my life?

but how do you tell someone

that you don’t like them or the

energy they bring to your world?

How do you tell them that you

don’t want to be part of their life

anymore when they are your

parent?….

 

THE FEAR OF CHANGE

 

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To be honest my “comfort zone” is NOT comfortable

but it is all I know. The ritualistic norms that we

apply to our sense of normalcy in life.

Coffee, TV, Foods, Cigarettes, Cliques, relationships

that give us an energy that is sometimes no longer appreciated

same shows, same times, same phone call, same habits

that we know are not in our best interest. the other habit is saying

the other predictable habit is saying

how we are NOT going to do this/that anymore and then like

clockwork back to the same ritualistic behavior.

When I quit smoking I did not know what to do with my arms

when I walked down the street, I was so used to using the

using the cigarette as a prop in my presentation

(good or bad it was my mask)

CHANGE is HARD but it was overdue

If you want to change you have to be willing to

be UNCOMFORTABLE…(Is your comfort zone really comfortable anyway?)