Glenna McCarthy's Blog, page 9

SUBSTITUTION FOR LOVE & FEAR OF CHANGE

[image error]

I walk in the streets of NYC

One side of the street you

have buildings I cant even

afford to look at much less live in

as you walk a few more blocks

you see the symptoms

of oppression and degradation

the drugs, the alcoholics

roaming the street like nomads

I pass the addicts on the corner

speaking so loud and agressive

trading cigarettes and pills

that that was me at one time

and I am still a work

in progress, undoing a

brain fuck you can

only imagine.

I have anxiety issues

and at times getting

on the subway can feel

like cruel and unusual

punishment …

I can not look down on my past peers

because they are working

with all they have and know

When I see someone inhaing

a cigarrette like they

are suffocting and it will

give them the oxygen, I see the

subsitution many of us make

trying to find PEACE with

POISONS

My guiding light?

[image error]

I am exhausted, emotionally and physically

I have changed my life for the better and it

is a never-ending commitment

I have embraced and endured

all the criticisms and cruelty so

I look to my teachers as guides and mentors

to tell me to be strong but to my amazement,

some can be the cruelest of all,

The leaders and examples

with their own insecurities and biases.

We are supposed to be part of the change

we are social workers, counselors

and a voice for the voiceless but…

I see that ‘unless’ you compliment their mask,

platform and agenda that you are expendable

you are going to be shut down, critiqued and confused

intellectual bullies are the hardest to understand

with the passive aggressive power plays

They are supposed to be the wise, the fair

they are supposed to be selfless or so I thought

in many cases that’s far from the truth.

I have been through so much,

AIDS, Prison, violence, hate, and poverty

I can admit my part

I can take fault and take responsibility

for my past, present and future actions

so if you are my teacher and teller of these wrongs

in the world, and the injustices why are you trying to

make me feel like I dont belong?

I cant fight forever, don’t add to the pain.

EUPHORIA (needed)a.s.a.p.

[image error]

I ask myself

if these aches and pains

health scares and fear of the unknown

were to cease would my life

actually feel good? not just better

When I practice breathing I get dizzy

and discombobulated, I have never

breathed correctly

I just took breaths

as a way to get oxygen

I am tired of medications

not knowing what is  the true culprit

due to side effects of from other supposed

remedies, I am tired, frustrated and lonely

cant connect with others because

the bitterness makes it too hard to try

but the bitterness also

says it is not yet a time to die

Life can be very trying ..

PONDER THIS…

 

[image error]Even ants are better team players than humans

Do we connect with others to bond

and share an energy that feels like magic

or do we settle for someone who settles for us?

sometimes I feel that this world and life

itself is overrated but the experts tell me that

is depression, the crowded city makes me

feel stressed and overwhelmed but the

experts tell me that I am bipolar

I want to find love but cringe when

someone touches me

The experts tell me that is PTSD so

If all my discomfort and views are based

on mental deficiencies then what is a

the true view of this world and its

inhabitants? Experts, please tell me

because I must have hope that my

the grim view of pain and suffering on

the daily NEWS is just an illusion

Tell me all the lost souls I see walking

the streets like zombies that have no future

are just a figment of my imagination

 

 

 

 

The Language of Loneliness​

[image error]

I used to wake right before the break of dawn

I didn’t know what to do with myself so

I figured it would be a good time to play ball

It was barely light and I saw a child

sitting on a bench near the basketball court

I was a nervous person and I am not a team player

but I know the feeling of need and loneliness

I challenged him to a game of horse

and we talked and laughed

I found out how toxic his home was

I tried to be his hero and his friend

I would buy him things and always

want to be the fun one

The reality was nobody ever taught

me how to love someone responsibly

So my own demons led me back to

my addiction and another distraction

I left as fast as I came and went

from being a people pleaser

to leaving him abandoned, when we

have no sense of inner balance we

are extremist and while I sat in jail

I always wondered what happened to him

I went out to the park to find my

inner peace again and once more I

saw a child in need of nurturing and

affection but I do not start a relationship

now to be the (good guy) I take a real

look at my life and what I really have to offer

Sometimes just being a friendly face can make

a difference

 

 

The Fear of EXPOSURE

 

[image error]

If I Punch you fast you will never see

the tremor in my hand

If I act like I have somewhere to go

You will never see my lack of direction

If I tell jokes all the time

you will not see my sadness

If I act like I hate being around people

You will never know my loneliness

If I act like I don’t want to be part of society

You will never know that I felt I didn’t have

a place in it …

Being in a cell 23 hrs a day and taking showers

in cages waiting for a letter that never comes

makes you decide that you don’t want to be

part of the world because it hurts less

then feeling the world already forgot about you.

A Comfort Zone

[image error]

As a child, I never had a stable home

I moved from place to place and

and situation to situation

Always feeling like an outsider

I felt I had to be the entertainer

or even a fighter to win acceptance

Being a Chameleon

not knowing who you are

due to having to change and

survive to suit every situation

it made me feel scared and alone

I used to think about a dream home

which could have been a hole in the wall

A space that nobody wanted as long

as it could be mine forever and I

knew when I went out there was

always a door for me waiting for me.

To be opened and closed behind

me to feel safe.and feel I belonged.

 

 

Health or Insecurity?

[image error]It is past the “Muffin Top” situation. It is crazy because for someone that didnt have kids my stomach seemed to have a new tenant move in. Now i know age doesnt do wonders for the physique but this was extra. When I say extra I mean Lipodystrophy which is a condition caused by the old HIV meds that had AZT in them. They called in a (cocktail) meaning a combo of meds mixed into one pill. To be honest at the time I felt that life was over rated but chose not to die and took this simple regimen. The fat that is dangerous is the viseralfat that is inside with your organs and since it felt like a cement had hardened right under my ribs I have resorted to COOL SCUPLTING. I will let you now if it works. There are a lot of cosmetic angles aimed at insecurity but liposuction cannot go to the inside fat.

Is it safe yet?

[image error]

I lay down to sleep after working out

and hitting a heavy bag

that I have in my studio apt

See I am a “tough guy” so I need

my rest, tomorrow is a new challenge

I try to slow down my thoughts

but I realize there is a draft

on my back so I quickly wrap the blanket

around my backside and make sure no skin

is exposed then start to relax but

I realize my foot is dangling off the bed where

it’s dark and gives me a signal it is not alone so

I quickly pull my foot into the bottom of bed…

Now I have all limbs tucked in and accounted for

If they want to get me, it will have to go through

my blanket first which buys me time

Finally, I glance at my cat that has gone to sleep

in a corner with his back to the wall like usual

I wonder if when a Cat tries to fit in a box

is it because they feel their sides are all covered?

Just like a cat I need to feel there is a shield

between me and the world even

as meek as a blanket

between me and the unknown.

Tales of an addict

[image error]

“You promise”? I asked

Yes he replied

“We only have one needle,” I said so

I will go after you because you know I am sick

“Nah, I got my own,” he said

“You know a lot of people died from this lately, so you think

it’s cut with some foul shit or it’s just really good”?

“Well fuck it because I am sick and I need to get straight

so here I go” I said as my hands shook uncontrollably

Again I asked ” You promise if I fall out and OD you will

get me help”?

I promise he said…