Glenna McCarthy's Blog, page 8

EMPOWERMENT

https://www.poz.com/blog/society-made-feel-like-monster-hiv-anymore

The Show Must Go On

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I didn’t ask to be part of this circus act

circles and circles

around and around we go

I have my good days and bad

but just when I feel somewhat pleased

another test comes and knocks me

off my feet

I didn’t expect to be here this long

I was told when I was 23 yrs old

that I would be dead in 6 months

and maybe 2 yrs if I was (lucky?)

Lucky? that’s an interesting word

sorry,

I am not always a Debby Downer

as a matter of fact, I am the one

that cant shut up and has to tell jokes

and make people laugh, when

you feel that you have no control

over your life you take control

in the only tools you have

in your toolbox, well…

I am out of jokes and I

am tired of being the talker

because I don’t want to hear

others noises or watch others actions

because we all have our roles and

the show must go on…

 

 

FLOATING

 

[image error]Floating on the water

looking up at the sky

not sure if I want to find land

or just get it over with

and die

the darkness beneath me

makes me cringe

not knowing what is lurking

in the depts of a dark sea

I look at the sky and ask

the Powers that (might) be

Please don’t let it hurt too much

I have hurt enough already

I am not afraid to die

I am just afraid of more suffering

I hope there is a better place

where we can feel past loved one’s presence

and the fear, shame, anger, and blame are gone

The fear of the dark sea under me scared me

because of the vast unknown

but the reality is the sky was

just as mysterious…

I am tired of this test, I will not kill

myself because I will be damned

if I will be punished again in the afterlife

but if it is my time to go…please

don’t make it too painful, I cant take anymore

 

Cream on top

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You always put the cream on last

It always goes on top of the coffee

but the cream melts

and the darkness will re-introduce itself

One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor

and one mans lie is another man’s truth

one mans trash is another man’s treasure

The creation of  separation based

on pigmentations, and while we all judge

we don’t even know why we need to hide the

dark coffee under a facade of sugar…

 

 

My first self promo

I WANT ANSWERS

I ran my fingers along the wall

I never even knew that it had existed

I was a second-generation Irish American

that thought the reason why I felt so uncomfortable

in my skin and with society must be from

a past life that spirit still haunts me

I had heard of the ‘Troubles’ in Northern Ireland

and almost wanted to belong to a cause or a struggle

I wanted to have a purpose and a reason to

continue to fight this struggle called life

that was supposed to be a ‘gift’?

Why was I self-mutilating at seven years old?

Why did I always feel under threat and despair?

To learn about your heritage is the first step

to understanding yourself, the handed down

addictions and anxieties, the feeling of

being LOST and wanting to find

something, someone…anything

I read the murals on the wall and strangely

the majority had nothing to do with

Irish, Catholics, Protestant, IRA

I don’t know if that is done purposely

but maybe it is a Countries attempt to heal

I came back to the USA with jetlag

and enough information about my

family to rest a beast that had been

gnawing at my core and just like the

the country IRELAND, I knew it was

time for me to heal as well.

 

 

 

THE OTHER SIDE?

 

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Daddy, I miss you

I wish we had spent more time

so that we could have an adult conversation

I stare at your picture on my wall

There has been a lot of pain

You were the only family I had

that was emotionally available

Although you never said a word

your actions spoke loud enough

I would like to think

there is a beginning to an end here

and there is a place where our spirits

can reconnect and dance in

the peace and comfort that we

searched for with alcohol and drugs

The simplicity of death and removal

of a body with its insecurities and baggage.

The birth of a spirit that no longer

lives in shame, anger, and confusion

My travels are not yet over

on this side but if there is a light

at the end of the tunnel

I hope I get to see your

Irish eyes smile one more time…

THE COLD CHILL

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My body aches, I try to get into a position that

is comfortable and comfort myself

There was a time when I loved to cuddle

I loved the feeling of unity and bonding

but then the storm came and

the chill set in

The pain, sadness and subjective reality

that even a drug could not take away

A rude awakening that a child finds

seeing the love they were denied

as a child is not

found in the streets

The deaths of friends and lovers

the walking dead of addictions

the institutions and jails designed

to profit from the poverty and

the mentally ill.

I turn over again and

try to get comfortable

the thought of someone touching me

makes me cringe

but the thought of companionship lingers

I hold and tell myself

this is a one-shot deal

one life and one ship (body)

to carry you through the

storms and when the chill sets in

hug yourself and know that you

are never truly alone…

 

 

A Tomboys attempt at being a stripper

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I had just been diagnosed with HIV/AIDS at 23 yrs old. The Boyfriend that gave it to me died three months later. I was broke, alone and couldn’t turn to prostitution because I was diseased so although I was never a sexual exhibitionist I knew money makes the world go round. Being broke is the just as bad as being a prostitute because you have to rely on others charity. Finally I said I need fast money so I cant hurt anyone by dancing.I walked right into a gentleman’s club in NYC called FLASHDANCERS. I said, “You hiring” and he said let me see you on stage. After a short embarrassing few minutes he said “come back tomorrow” I thought being a stripper was just taking your bra off on a stage and having single dollar bills thrown at you all night. I noticed the first night that the other dancers were lazy, they never got on the stage. They were always in the audience slouching on guys. After hours and hours of bending over and taking my bra off I went home with 52 dollars. Nobody explained the stripper game to me , that you only go on stage to advertise, all the money is made on the floor with lap dancing and private sessions. I had no clue that the pole was for climbing, I thought it was either holding up the ceiling or for my balance walking around. This picture was taken by a friend after I was so happy that I got hired to be a dancer because it made me feel like I must not be as ugly as I feel inside and soon I will have money and can have a home. I lasted two weeks and felt like a failure at being a failure. Now I can look back and say, its okay that I was not good at that becaus that is not what I was supposed to be…

A Piece I did

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