Glenna McCarthy's Blog, page 2

You have been gone for 25 yrs today

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An Ode to my Father

Can you see me now?

I would have made you proud

We never spoke about facts or truths

Because they were subjects

That we could not face yet

You were a man with many names,

many women and Bars

as if they were your second home

or possibly your first…

because the reality was

you never had a home

You were sent to an orphanage

In Belfast Ireland as a child

and I will never know what you

Endured then…now trying to silence your

Demons with alcohol.

Then I was also sent to a home

for children and could not understand

Why nobody wanted me

Or what I had done so wrong

to be thrown away

But now I see the cycles of

Family addiction and trauma

You were just mimicking what had been

done to you, and later you tried to save me

after I had turned to drugs,

but it was too late, I had lost my faith

in humanity and couldnt live

in my skin therefore I

wanted to be comfortably numb by

any means necessary

We were not ready to change

Because we had never faced our demons

or even understood our pain

we were children in adult bodies

still searching for that safe space…

that illusion of control in a harsh world

Daddy, you were still a fond memory

because even in our awkward silences

and addictions, I knew you were a good man

I wanted us both to find peace

I never had children, so the cycle stops

With me, I wish we could have shared

More good times but we did share a bond

That only you and I can understand

I miss you and I still don’t believe in

Rainbows and Butterflies but there is

Still a place in my heart that hopes you

are somewhere watching over me smiling

To the Broken

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I am routing for you

May you learn to smell the roses again

Possibly for the first time…

May you learn to find happiness

Without the aid of drugs and alcohol

May a love so great

come into your life that

it cannot be denied

or scrutinized

Your face will glow

and heart will sing

and it will take away

the pain and skeptics’

Your spirit has been stifled

and your heart Corroded

I pray that you may

re-capture your innocence

That was taken away

Although the

World has shamed you

Remember you were just

A child trying to find

Your way in a maze

of chutes and ladders

May the wind bring a burst

of freshness and Spring

and not a new contaminant

or news of despair

To the broken

I am routing for you

for you are not alone

PSTD in CAPTIVITY

[image error]Strange as it might sound, isolation for me can have a calming effect, no more racing mind, no more fight or flight affecting my digestive system and fewer aches and pains attributed to stress.

I have had a strange and somewhat sad life, I gave up a long time ago and turned to drugs as a way to try and be comfortably numb until the ride was over but there was no true escape from reality and consequences.

I went to jail in 1999 for a crime that happened during a Blank out on drugs and didn’t even know if I did what they say I did, I was told that I had full-blown AIDS and Hepatitis C and was kicking Methadone and Benzos to add to the struggle.

I didn’t care about being told I was dying because life had felt so hard for so long and I hadn’t connected to anyone for decades as far as to touch or gentle connection. I hated the world and hated my life but there was a part of me that refused to die.

I fought with nervous energy and Learned To Jail, which is not something I am proud of but it was all about surviving one minute to the next. I learned to embrace my negative labels and embrace negative attention because that is the only way I felt empowered.

I was sent to SHU which is isolation in prison for a year due to having a fight and pushing and officer during the chaos and getting 6 months and in my anger at the hearing, I talked a lot of crap and got 6 months more for threats.

I was a child having tantrums due to being overwhelmed (by everything) and as I sat in a cell staring at a toilet bowl for months waiting for it to conversate  I realized that I felt safe for the first time in decades. I only had to fight my own demons and my imaginary monsters. I had a toothbrush with no handle and a bible and a piece of metal on the wall they called a mirror.

There is no easy way to navigate your life when you have mental health issues and complex traumas in your pasts but I slowly found what works for me. I have seen women have breakdowns in prison and jail when they are moving to a cell vs a dorm because they feel claustrophobic, and I would have a nervous breakdown knowing I was going to a dorm where the noise and emotional stimuli is overwhelming. When I came home I volunteered in an animal shelter and got the unconditional love I had craved my whole life.

I went to school and got my Bachelors’s degree and I am currently working on my masters of social work at Hunter College in NY. I have a home, a bed a tub and a 50-inch screen TV which are luxuries to someone that has been incarcerated. I am drug-free for 10 years and for once don’t want negative attention anymore, I want peace of mind and spirit and this Corona Virus stay-home policy is just a reminder of uncertainties and challenges that I can now handle.

We all have our own demons and challenges, so it is how we learn to face them.

(Maybe I will write another book) lol

Why be mad? At who?

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Guess the Jokes on Me

I’m not going to yell, I’m not even mad

I got a funeral to think about

because the person I thought you were

DIED today

Because the person I am looking at is a stranger to me

And the person I thought I shared a life with no longer exists

Who was the person I laughed with and thought we were one

I guess the jokes on me 

How can I try and make you stay 

How can I make you promise to love me

Why wait for an apology?

From a person that is now a stranger to me…

What am I pushing for?

What am I looking at?

Who are you anyway? 

guess it doesn’t even matter

I guess the jokes on me 

I have to look at the comical side 

Of feeling like a jackass 

HEE HAW…

And not dig deeper

Because the person I thought 

Was my everything 

Died and this person is

A new jack 

With a familiar face …

I cant play this game again

I have to put you to rest and bury my illusion 

Guess the jokes on me.

This Crazy RIDE

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It’s a plague

It’s a Storm

I am afraid to die

Not because I cherish my life

But for the fact that

I can’t take any more pain

I can’t suffer any more than

What I am already used to

It’s a mugger, it’s a robber

I will fight for my life

Not because I have a

Great love for this

Reality

Not for a family that

I never got to know

But for the fact that I don’t want

It to hurt

If I went this long without

Taking my life

I will be damned if

I will let you take mine

It’s a system of corruption

It’s a Dog eat DOG World

And I don’t know why we

Use that expression because

Animals are the only gentle

Souls that I will miss

Once I take that night train

To who knows where

But my train hasn’t arrived yet

So I have to breath this toxic air

and learn to enjoy

This crazy ride

 

Is this it?

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Another storm is here

Is this the BIG ONE

another altered reality

another uneasiness

Another speculation filled with

the convictions of many

is this it?

Is this the storm I have been

waiting for all of my life?

the reason why my hands trembled

as a child?

Is this the storm that made

me sleep with the lights on

for the last twenty years?

or is this just another

laugh for all the demigods

as they watch us squirm…

because the only storm coming

was the storm that was

already inside us just waiting

for a flood gate to open.

Another storm is here

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Another storm, another uneasiness

Another speculation filled with

the convictions of many

is this it?

the storm I have been

waiting for all of my life?

the reason why my hands trembled

as a child?

Is this the storm that made

me sleep with the lights on

for the last twenty years?

or is this just another

laugh for all the demigods

as they watch us squirm…

because the only storm coming

was the storm that was

inside us already.

AGING in the USA

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When does it end?

or should I say when does the happiness begin?

I yearn for a world where you can feel

like you belong

I yearn for a world where you can feel

like you have a purpose

I used to think that one day

everything would be’fixed’

and all the pain would go away

I used to believe that one day

this weight would be lifted and

I would be able to exhale

but…

I am older, wiser, and a skeptic

but I am more at peace now because

I have come to the realization

that there is no Utopia

I have come to realize

there are no perfect relationships

I have come to realize

That your true task

is finding an inner peace

by any means necessary

(Minus drugs, already tried that one)

you have to believe in whatever

gets you through the day

whether its Religion, family and or

a love for Country?

My way of living has evolved

by an acceptance that this

is a hard road to take

but breath and laugh

to your heart’s content

because one day it will subside

and it won’t be that serious anymore

 

Forced Realities

Comfortably Uncomfortable

Spaces

Places

and

Masks as faces

 

Territorial

Forces

 

Imagined enemies

 

Give me a space

Give me a place

Give me a purpose

Which are hate and insecurity

But I will follow

 

Give me a reason

Give a season

To remember

 

But in reality, it all

Was nothing and exaggerated

Nostalgia

Created memories

Forced relationships

 

Comfortably numb

Comfortably dumb

Comfortably Uncomfortable

 

 

 

Mercy Killing

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I was so tired, but it was a good tired

I had exhausted myself doing the work

That made me feel validated, purposeful

And worthy

I worked with

Animals that I loved

I wanted to save them all

I wanted to give them the peace

That I have always longed for

A feeling of love,

a feeling of connection

A feeling of safety which is an unknown

State of mind for me because of never

having a chance to be a child or believe in

Fairytales

I watched the dogs get escorted to a room

and I never saw them return…

I am a paranoid and nosey person

as my anxiety rides me with PTSD

I was what’s is in back of me

What is happening to the sides?

But sometimes we choose to ignore what is happening

Right in front of us

Because it is too proof positive

I did not want to know what happened in that room

Because it would have eaten away at me

Reason, purpose, and positionality

I am always thinking about the What If’s

and this would have put my inner alarms to the test

What now?

 

I was here to be the hero

To work with animals for free by volunteering

But the clinch is they are getting killed in the next room

I am walking by trying not to figure it out

Because I once again feel powerless

Maybe they are better off

Who wants to be stuck in a cage where?

Society threw you away.

Maybe it is a Mercy Killing

 

Am I really here for them?

or am I really here for myself

Because this is the only unconditional love

I have ever known