Glenna McCarthy's Blog, page 4

What has come over me?

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Please don’t let this feeling stop

I feel like a child again

but this time I am not afraid

I feel curious, not fearful

I feel new, not bitter

I am smiling like a child that

has found a new amusement

as I embrace and discover

the world around me

I think I am what they call…

HAPPY

it is a new feeling to me

but it makes life feel inviting

it makes this world feel warm

Please don’t let this feeling slip away

I want to see, feel and touch

because unlike the past

I want to feel again

The Early Leavers

An ode to my fallen comrades

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Hey, how is it on the other side?

Is that, in fact, the actual light

at the end of the tunnel?

I feel guilty for outliving all of you

that succumbed to the AIDS virus

or died of Drug Addiction

I don’t know why my time card has

not been punched yet but

I will tell you…

you are not missing much

still…

 

Us vs. Them

You vs. Me

Rich vs. Poor

Black vs. White

Police vs. Criminals

and there are so many shades

of grey that you can become

dizzy with confusion at all the

Inconstancies and hypocrisies

 

I never married or had children

I guess I never bought into the

American Dream anyway

Do I feel blessed? Lucky?

that I made it this far?

I suppose I do

partially out of guilt or fear

of being wrong otherwise

 

Do I embrace life? waking up

every morning to hear the

Birds sing?

No…

I did get clean and sober

but it has been a culture shock

 

Does this passage seem

like the writings of a self- absorbed

Debby Downer?

Perhaps

but the only comfort I have

in losing all of you at such

early ages and or

sad circumstances

is that maybe you have it better than me

and are able to laugh at the

earlier spaces and places

and all the pressures

that went with it

 

What could the Truth be?

I love reading Amitav’s reading’s because he is a creative genius

Amitav Chowdhury

When something becomes truth because it is conveniently comparable and the entire idea can be suitably placed with other ideas. The puzzling theory is that the pattern of truth should replicate the perception, acceptance, and feasibility; at times, their correspondence with the community, the acceptable language is also a criterion to choose them.

Often, there are sketchy ideas of truths; from the observed, absorbed, and imbibed- all of the processes happen according to the environment and the type of acceptable appropriation. Although conformity plays an intrinsic, as well as, obligatory role in devoting time to further their cause.

There is a possibility of the truth getting diluted and caught in a predicament in the myriad correspondence with the world; the world may be small or vast, it does not matter, but the direct and indirect influence they have cannot be denied. Truth becomes rebellious when such conformities are unfollowed or…

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A lonely yet liberating Valentines day approaches

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I recently had an accident and have been sitting in a wheelchair for months

My life was altered dramatically

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One of my coping devices for PTSD, which is working out, was not an option any longer so besides having to leave my job, I was now back on public assistance.

To be honest its hard to feel sexy being HIV, having felonies, PTSD and sitting in a wheelchair and still have the nerve to be picky at the same time.

One of my biggest fears was feeling vulnerable and alone, and there I was immobile and home alone to sit with my feelings.

Just when things looked as dismal as hell BOOM, he walked into my life. My soul mate? Hell no.

I had a physical therapist assigned to help me at my residence and I am not going to lie after being celibate for almost three years, being touched by a man that was there to help me heal. It was like going through adolescent butterflies all over again.

I became detached from feeling many things due to trauma, drugs etc. and unfortunately the disconnection between mind and body was extreme. A therapist asked me to touch my shoulder and arm and asked me what I felt, I felt like I was touching a stranger (no feeling) due to disconnect.

It’s been a long hard road, and Friday is my Physical therapist’s last visit. Hey, he is married and got kids so it was not about me/him/ us it was about learning to let someone get close enough to touch you, which is hard for me due to sexual traumas in the past.

I will be able to put weight on my leg and start walking the same week as Valentine’s day so its time to celebrate my independence and renewed vitality and still hold a place in my heart for a possible future mate when it feels right.

 

A lonely but liberating Valentines day approaches

[image error]

I recently had an accident and have been sitting in a wheelchair for months

My life was altered dramatically

One of my coping devices for PTSD, which is working out, was not an option any longer so besides having to leave my job now I was back on public assistance.

To be honest its hard to feel sexy being HIV, having felonies, PTSD and sitting in a wheelchair and still have the nerve t be picky at the same time.

One of my biggest fears was feeling vulnerable and alone and there I was immobile and home alone.

Just when things looked as dismal as possible BOOM, he walked into my life. My soul mate? Hell no.

I had a physical therapist assigned to help me at my residence and I am not going to lie after being celibate for almost three years, being touched by a man that was there to help me and heal. It was like going through adolescent butterflies all over again.

I became detached from feeling many things due to trauma, drugs etc. and unfortunately the disconnection between mind and body was extreme. A therapist asked me to touch my shoulder and arm and asked me what I felt, I felt like I was touching a stranger (no feeling) due to disconnect.

It’s been a long hard road, and Friday is my Physical therapist’s last visit. Hey, he is married and got kids so it was not about me/him/ us it was about learning to let someone get close enough to touch you, which is hard for me due to sexual traumas in the past.

I will be able to put weight on my leg and start walking the same week as Valentine’s day so its time to celebrate my independence and renewed vitality and still hold a place in my heart for a possible future mate.

 

Nature Calls

via Nature Calls

Nature Calls

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THE ELEMENTS OF NATURE

were undeniable

The wind felt hostile

with a stench of salt water

I have heard of the expression SEA HAG

which was meant to be a witch with horrible skin

and features but could it be women

waiting by the oceans and ports

for their men to return from sea

only to be overexposed to

rain, wind, and storms?

but the waiting

continued, faithfully looking for

a ship, a sign

in the cold mist…

I looked down at the rocky coastline

with a new sense of respect and humility

coming from the Concrete Jungle NYC

I had finally made it out of the ghetto

but hiding behind walls and masks

doing drug with bravado had taken

it toll as an urban prodigy

I had forgotten what it felt like to feel

and as Robbie Williams sings

I Don’t Want to Die but I ain’t to Keen on Living 

the aches and pains of AGING

had made me realize the days of

ignoring my existence was over

but…where to begin

 

 

CODEPENDENCY

You were my co-dependent

My co-defendant

My co-conspirator

But we conspired together

I found a stepping stone

It’s a place to lay my head

It’s a lonely yet safe space

I want something that will last

Though till

My last breath is taken

I wanted you to be there

Till the end but…

Feeling hostility towards a world

That I don’t particularly like

Didn’t want to be part of either

Self medicate

And find a hostage

Like you and

Call it love

We can use each other

Live a lie

And keep getting high

Till the day we die

Romanticize it

Glamourize it

You made my dark space

Seem less threatening

Because you and I could fight my demons

And all the world monsters together

But in reality, you were the monster

Don’t make me feel like an inconvenience

Cant we cohabitate again?

I need to believe a lie again

I need a hostage

because the truth hurts too much

 

 

An empty space

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I have watched, learned and listened

I have learned to navigate

meaning

I have watched humanity

run around and over each other

I have learned that it is an adult game

just like believing in Santa as a child

now we have to believe that there is

a purpose and direction to

explain our actions

I have learned to ignore a gut feeling

of uncertainty and emptiness

I have learned

to navigate an

empty space

in its entirety

internally and externally

Its all what you make it

 

Nobody has/ had the answers

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Life never had a false sense of security

I knew from day one something was off

When I looked to others for clarity

All I got was excuses and deflections

like…

Jesus is going to fix it

No one said life is fair

Things will get better

Life is what you make it

I guess I wanted something more tangible

I went to college to face my fears

Of being a problem child student that couldn’t focus

Or cut the mustard but here I am!

 

Now, I find out that even higher education

The world of ACADEMIA

Words of wisdom are almost entirely based

On THEORY

The wisest facts are based on theories?

Philosophy s based on a bunch of

Mentors that sound like drunken narcist

This country is a blood money

And lies that separate

Holy moly what a tangled web that we weave

And that is woven

Tell me there is something better on

The other side, tell me there is a reason

That we breed to carry on a family name

And take turns watching each other die

Tell me something because

Besides the one-liners and

Theories based on a hypothesis

Nobody had or has the answers