M.K. Sheehan's Blog, page 21

Moving Forward

Right now we are house hunting – and really, who isn’t? So many of us purchased our homes with a certain lifestyle in mind, basically, “we’ll be here on holidays and weekend mornings.” The rush of our lives precluded us from ever settling or coming to rest in our residences. Now that our society is shifting away from activities outside of our homes and closer to our front doors we are all scuttling around like hermit crabs, quick to switch to the larger shell that gives us room to grow. 

We all want spaces to work, live, and play outdoors. A few weeks ago Saturday Night Live did an entire bit equating Zillow searching to pornography – and they’re not wrong. Looking at other people’s properties, even if they are just dream houses, still inspires us. The idea of a different life in another home, a little more elbow room to share each other’s company is all very exciting. Our homes are becoming not only where we live and rest, but also where we work, where our children study, and our animals monitor the comings and goings of the Prime truck.

The hunt for somewhere to belong is not just practical it is leading to some existential questions as well. Where are our people? Where do we belong? Our extended families are located here – but where does our nuclear family fit? These are big questions and it is such a relief to not be the only ones having these difficult conversations. Talking with friends who are going through the same challenges has left me feeling supported and like we are not the only ones searching, not just for a home but for our community and our place in a new world. With an opportunity now to live and work anywhere it begs the question – who are we and where are our people?

As we all come out from our shells and (vaccinated) go back out into the world, where we call home is meaningful. Our homes connect us to those places we value, those people who have helped us get through this year, and we realize not only the value of close friends, family, support networks, but also of supporting our local businesses and those community resources that have sustained us through this pandemic. 

We know much more about the disease now, and we know who we can and cannot depend upon in our lives. The people who stepped up, who reached out, and who helped sustain us will be our friends for life. And finding a home surrounded by a larger community that feels like home, that supports us, grounds us, and gives us room to dream of who we will be next is our good fortune. 

As we continue looking I wonder what have you found most valuable in your home? What fixes have brought you comfort and joy? What updates are you looking to make? Or if you’re looking, what is most important for your next home to have?

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Communicating with Authenticity

One of my resolutions in 2021 was to live with more presence and authenticity, to engage people from where I am and not from a place of insincerity or disingenuousness. 

The first piece is for me to be settled and grounded in who I am and what I am about. This in itself is a challenge as it forces me to slow down, reflect, and honestly consider my personal truth and how I want to show up in the world. I have found that showing up consistently with an open heart is a challenge but it gets easier with practice.

This arrival of myself as my whole self to conversations, meetings, and calls has led to shift in my own perspective. Instead of the performative me showing up, the one that wants to make you laugh, wants you to like me and is willing to compromise right from the beginning in order to make a new friend or please you has faded to the background. Instead when I arrive, I am already full, I know who I am and what I am about and a new question rises to the surface, the question is do I like you? What are you bringing to the table?

Where before I was consumed with how I was perceived I am now stepping into the role of a conscious observer. I am aware of how you are performing and what is being said, the tones and authenticity that others are bringing to our interactions. 

It’s cringe-y when someone does not present their whole self or when I can tell that the person on the other side of the call is being fake or just saying what they want me to hear not what they truly mean. Other times I might not have noticed this but now, now that I am looking at you to see you and not looking at others to see a positive reflection of myself, it comes to my attention. 

I am truly grateful to those with the bravery to show up as themselves with sincerity to conversations. I am disappointed when I am part of a conversation that feels contrived and false but I also can appreciate that not everyone feels comfortable or safe being their authentic selves at work or in the world. I’m grateful that I have taken up this practice. It has already taught me so much and revealed more than I knew I was missing. Like cracking an egg, I’m just now getting to the rich and beautiful insides of connection and communication, what a gift!

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Making Space for Connection

I caught up with a friend today, or rather we both spoke in half sentences as he answered work emails and I shared what was happening in my life in vague platitudes. To be honest, it wasn’t a great moment for connection or conversation. It was a great moment to remember that sharing these experiences side by side is a different type of relating. 

We were not coming together to better understand one another or even to provide insight, we simply missed one another and wanted to share the comfort of having a dear friend by our side, even as we each went about our separate lives.

It felt good to simply co-exist with a trusted friend. In that conversation we each gave the level of focus that we were equipped to give and mutually respected each other’s boundaries. Many of us are already operating at max-capacity so carrying the burden of another person’s troubles may be too much. So too can the emotional investment of re-hashing our own challenges feel overwhelming. But there is comfort to be found in the simple sharing of a moment with a friend. 

It was like doing homework at the same table again, familiar, comfortable, and easy. There was no pretense and no effort made to impress or guide the conversation toward some goal or purpose – we were together and that was enough.

He had to wrap the call early in order to handle a work emergency. I was grateful as I needed to empty a gallon of pond water from my toddlers boots and redirect him to the tub. We both knew that each of us was giving full attention to the priorities of the day but also making space to share our day with each other.

More than anything this conversation made me proud of us. Proud that we have such a sturdy relationship that is not based on this moment, or this one conversation. It is a dance we’ve been doing for nearly 20 years – nurturing one another and our relationship through countless ups and downs. Trusting that when the time comes for us to support one another we will arrive with hearts open and be there for each other.

I am also grateful that we make a point to take the call and catch up, even if the interaction is brief. It is wonderful to be fully present and focused on the situation you are in and the person you are with, of course. But that isn’t always reality, reality is sometimes managing chaos while juggling responsibilities. Much of life has slowed down due to COVID, however it has also sapped our emotional energy. Sharing what we have to give with the people we love is always a gift and it is something I am truly grateful for today. Sometimes just going through life together is enough.

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Gratitude in 2021 – Technology

Let’s talk about gratitude. I am a firm believer in Positive Psychology research and the many proven benefits to practicing gratitude each day. I begin my days with three things I’m grateful for just to get ready for the day. Let’s do them here, I’m grateful to be able to write and share my ideas, I’m grateful you’re reading my words, and grateful that we are both lucky enough to exist in this time and space together. Aren’t we lucky? 

The thing is that I feel lucky every day and I wanted to share with you some of the things that make me feel fortunate and blessed. Now, I started this post with the idea that I would talk about all of the things that bring me joy but as I’ve written I’ve found that I could write a book on that so let’s start with one area, technology.

Marco Polo – I have reconnected with old friends and family, spending time with “my people,” in a way I haven’t done since adolescence – though with more healthy boundaries and mutual respect. Where before my time was consumed with acquaintances and those people I only saw in passing, now my time with friends is intentional. I am finding real connection with people who inspire me and nourish my spirit. This video app has made possible the rekindling of relationships that spark innovation and bring me back in touch with my deepest and truest values. It is a gift.

Zoom – I come from a large extended family and in early 2020 we circled the wagons via Zoom. Every person who had something to share brought their gifts and talents to the table. We learned how to make mask filters to replicate N-95 masks with shammy cloths. A cousin who had a pattern, made masks and shipped them across the county. We compared notes on travel and safety guidelines with those in the airline industry. We discussed medical protocols and infection rates with those in the medical field. Through this network we know what is happening on college campuses across the country, in hospitals, airports, on the roads, and in our schools, and libraries. We discuss impacts on employment for government and private business. We have rebuilt bridges and family bonds as never before. We still meet every Sunday at 2pm and I am truly grateful.

Prime – Prompt package delivery and entertainment. Amazon has given me the opportunity to focus on re-investment in what I want instead of what is, “popular.” I’m also able to watch shows using our Prime account and I must say that Amy Poehler and Donald Glover are helping me to stay cozy and relaxed before bed rather than watching the news or scrolling, which both drain my energy and leave me too wired for rest.

Instacart – My first purchase was at Costco… and Aldi. Even before the pandemic began we were ordering our groceries from the grocery store. Letting grocers fill our trunk with delicious foods while protecting ourselves and those out in the stores by staying home. The added benefit of Instacart and the variety of shops I am able to access by using the site, keeps me home and saves me time. That one Costco trip saved me three hours of time and in being able to tip those people willing and able to shop on my behalf feels as if I am doing something to help others.

I think it just feels good to know we have these tools that we can use to help keep more people safe. I like that entering this second year of the pandemic we have so many tools available to make staying home convenient and comfortable. These tools were not all in my kit when the pandemic began but as we have all adjusted they have given me a sense of comfort at a time when the world feels less than comfortable. 

What new tools and technology have you picked up to stay home and stay safe? What good ideas am I missing? 

Keep Calm and Carry On – Like Children

Hope has to be my default. There is no other way. 

A friend called to share that a co-worker was recently diagnosed with COVID-19. Their mutual boss demanded the co-worker come into the office. The co-worker re-iterated that with a positive covid test they were not coming in, they would return at the end of the required quarantine. 

“When?” 

“After fourteen days.” 

“Fine, then you better be here.” 

In a typical time in history this might have been viewed as inconsiderate, rude, or even callous. Now it just makes me laugh. Are you kidding me? We are living in intense social angst, each of us separately and communally confronting our own mortality and your focus, your hyper-focus, is on when this person may return to their office. You poor person, clearly your priorities have not yet adjusted to our current reality. 

And that’s what this is, this is reality. The low-grade constant anxiety, the ongoing waves and resurgences, the fear for the safety of those we love and ourselves, that is all going to be with us going forward. The difference will not be in the disease but in how we face it. We can shelter in place and hide. We can demand the world operate as usual, pretending it does not exist. Or we can do what children do, resiliently go with the flow. Children ride the waves, have you noticed this?

Let us consider what this time, this experience has been like for our children. Even if we are able to insulate them from the violence of this disease there are some cultural shifts that will forever be a part of their memories, if only a part of their lives for a brief time. The wearing of masks when they leave home or go out in public. The fortresses of plexiglass that surround their desks. The loss of social engagements, rites of passage, and closure that many of them have missed because it has not been safe to host prom, graduations, or birthday parties.

Now, these are small sacrifices in the face of impending death, but to children who are so small already, is any sacrifice tiny? Is any loss a little one? The impact of this disease on their lives will extend long beyond vaccines and returns to “normalcy.” However, one fact that seems to flicker on my lips as I consider these deep and enduring realities is that I am impressed by how in the face of these challenges little people forge on. 

They play, run, jump, wear their masks to the park, and carry on. There is no fear for the future or mourning for the past, only gratitude for the present and maybe the hope for ice cream later. There is a sense that they are rowing hard, but they are doing their work with no fanfare. Children carry on and carry within themselves a torch. A torch that endures this darkness. A torch that is not dampened by circumstance but that burns within them. It is their resolve to go on, regardless of the challenges they face. It is that spark for life and that willingness to go on, move forward, just keep swimming I admire most. 

It inspires me to see so simple a concept exercised so beautifully and without calls for attention. The simple, daily, repetitive marching forward. They push the boundaries, test the limits, see how far they can go today. It may be only slightly further than yesterday but that’s still further than they went before and isn’t that wonderful? Isn’t that a win? Indeed it is. We carry on, we march forward, for that is the only option we have today.

Sacred Ingredients for a Good Day

I am learning that my schedule is sacred. When I put the expectations or demands of the world before my own needs I find myself chasing the tail of projects, jumping from one thing to the next, and never feeling really satisfied. Never capturing that feeling of accomplishment for a job well done. When I look outside for my validation, for my approval, I am left unsatisfied and always seeking more. 

Yesterday, both my partner and I did this. He worked through lunch and I missed my midday walk, which in the grand scheme of things are small shifts in the day. We answered emails, attended meetings, and read more material. I was incredibly productive and I’m sure he was as well. The thing is, we didn’t feel productive. We felt used up at the end of the day. We felt exhausted and run down. And by the time we got to dinner we were snapping at each other and crabby. Which happens some days but when typically our disagreements are over which type of music to listen to or if we want cocktails or something more simple with our meal, this felt off. 

I am learning from my spouse, he is phenomenal at being patient in the storm of emotions. He weathers the anger and waits until all is calm to begin conversation again. Me – not so much. I am the storm. But not yesterday, yesterday I stayed silent. It was as if my mind totally went blank, and not in a vacant way but as if it were opening. Part of me wants to blame him and his influence – after 12 years, these things happen. Pretty soon we’ll start looking like our dog too, which isn’t terrible as he is a handsome puppy. All the same, I blame him and I blame meditation. This taking time for myself is a key to the alchemy of my everyday bliss.

I also j’accuse the lack of time in nature and walking for the instigation of our disagreement. Not that every other day we are or I am perfect. On days when I keep my schedule I find myself feeling more… like myself. I feel like the person I want to be, not like a ship in a storm blown in whatever the direction the wind shifts next. I feel at ease and in my skin. I feel settled, whole, and patient. 

I’m grateful my mind went blank and opened up in conflict, it kept me from saying things that were unhelpful or worse, harmful. It also gave me the gift of feeling like I learned something instead of like I regret something I said or how I treated my partner, whom I love very much. It has given me the gift of feeling really good about the situation and how we handled it together. We prepared the meal mostly in silence, ate (lobster bisque), and I poured myself a champagne cocktail, and then we talked. And after we took care of our own needs, we commiserated and shared our challenges, I just felt worlds better. And today thinking back on it, I feel like I learned something.

I learned that placing anyone’s needs before my own runs me down and leaves me feeling depleted. Making time for myself gives me the energy I need to give to others. When I sacrifice what I need for someone or something else, we both suffer – the quality of my work suffers because I am suffering. My routine is sacred, the lessons I have learned over years of trial and error are valuable. The things I need to feel cared for are midday walks, healthy lunches with fresh ingredients, time to meditate, and time to write. When I make time to do these small things, I feel accomplished, fulfilled, and whole, and I have all I need to reinvest in myself, my family, my work, and the world. 

What do you need to feel nourished? What parts of your day are sacred to your sanity?

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Body Wisdom

Today I meditated for 40 minutes. This is not a humble brag and I’ll tell you right away, I did not intend to do it. I awoke as if from a nap and in a haze, scrambling to return emails and complete tasks before the end of business hours. 

Here’s another thing I’ll tell you, that time was a gift and I needed it. I am a firm believer in our bodies being attune to what we need, most days more than our inner monologue or mind would lead us to believe. I override the messages my body sends me all the time. 

Body: “I’m hungry.”

Mind: “It’s bedtime, I’m not going downstairs for snacks.”

Body: “I’m tired.”

Mind: “We’ll just read this next chapter.”

Body: “I need care and attention. I just want to stretch.”

Mind: Emailing.

My goals are always pure. Keep a schedule. Eat a variety of healthy proteins, vegetables, and fruits. Deep condition your hair once a week. Give yourself a facial or a hydrating mask weekly. At the end a of a long day, take a relaxing bath. Use the cabinet full of elixirs, potions, and sweet smelling mixtures designed to tempt me to care of my whole self. Get enough sleep. Exercise and meditate daily. These are all such good intentions. 

The reality is that I hit maybe 50% of these on a given day. Great sleep, schedule is out the window. Exercise – must grab quick lunch, a clif bar will have to do until dinner. None of it is intentional and I often wonder what a luxury it would be to live an independently wealthy life where my personal interests, goals, and self-care agenda were my primary concerns. But until that happens I am here and now in my reality – which is insanely blessed and beautiful. 

Some days it’s just hard. And somedays I meditate for forty minutes and feel like a golden goddess for finally reaching this goal but also guilty for it interrupting the rest of my schedule. I’m deciding right now, to put a pin in the guilt. I’m just going to celebrate the fact that this is a milestone. A moment I did not honestly imagine myself reaching, especially because my meditation practice is sporadic at best.

Who knew? Clearly my body did, it gave me the time, the focus, the energy that my mind denied requiring in order to push through to the next goal, the next accomplishment. This was my goal for the day and I didn’t even know it. Lucky me. Thank goodness my body knew what was best, even when my mind did not.

Diane von Furstenberg, Equal Pay, and Starfish

Today I do not feel like I hit my stride meditation-wise. I focused, lay still, gave myself ample time and yet 20 minutes came and went and I still feel pulled in so many different directions. 

Friday’s are usually my days of respite. I add to my calendar early in the week, while as the week progresses I steadily remove distractions, obligations, and events. Unfortunately, this week the opposite has happened. I am playing catch-up and while I’m grateful to have the opportunity to accomplish so much I feel like I pressed pause early in the week, or more accurately, my schedule filled up so quickly that every item that was not urgent got pushed further and further down the totem poll and then here we are at Friday and I have a pile of projects to complete.

The thing is, time doesn’t stop but I can. I can stop placing these extensive expectations upon myself. I attended a talk by Diane von Furstenberg, fashion icon and creator of the wrap dress, virtually, of course. DVF talked about having a magic wand. We all have a magic wand, the ability to use our magic wand to connect people to one another. Simply by making introductions or sharing the work of someone we appreciate makes magic in the lives of others. Often, if you use this magic wand frequently enough you will find it also has a boomerang effect. 

And in an attempt to both share this wisdom and promptly implement it in my own life, I rushed out to share this wisdom and connect some friends. The lesson is not that this blew up in my face or that I did and now I have my own miraculous business venture. No, what happened was I watched this inspiring talk on a Friday – it was scheduled for Wednesday – Equal Pay Day for those of you keeping track at home. The number of days women have worked in the new year and earned nothing in comparison to the dollars that men bring home. The date gets further and further down into the year if you account for race, which is its own devastating reality. Pay women equally – what we’re after is equity. 

And here again the idea has snowballed. Inspired, engaged, a whole other pile of obligations, overwhelmed, exhausted, it’s Friday. Deep breath. I’m eager to accomplish so much, tell me you’ve felt this way too? So eager that you don’t know where to begin. 

There was a wind storm in our neighborhood last night, and of course it was trash day the following morning. So there is trash and recycling materials strewn all over the place. It is particularly irritating in the woodland areas and walkways. However, having not brought gloves or bags on our journey my son and I left the mess, only occasionally commenting on the junk everywhere. We agreed that next time we will bring some tools and clean up some of the mess. 

There was something we could do, and this warms my heart, we saved worms. Like most windstorms there was also rain and several worms became stranded as the day heated up and they found themselves stranded in the middle of sidewalks or driveways, so we picked them up and placed them in the grass, hopeful they would make their own ways back to the earth. And that is what I intend to do with DVF’s magic wand analogy today. I saved worms. It feels a lot like that starfish analogy.

The old man said to the young girl throwing starfish into the sea, “You can’t save them all it won’t make a difference.”  

She shrugs and says, “It made a difference to that one.

I will do that today and will save the rest of my magic for Monday, after I have had a chance to rest. Happy Friday friends, I’m exhausted.

3 Tips for Staying Present and Intentional

There’s a lot of frenetic energy out in the world lately. As we rush to obtain vaccines, travel, and all of us hoping to return to the normalcy of daily life – pre-pandemic. I’m hopeful for a return to normalcy. The comfort of hugging a friend hello. The simple joy of saying, “God Bless You,” rather than thinking, “What fresh hell is this?” Still as we all adjust to a pace that is slightly faster, as more opportunities to spend time together open up, and as the weather blesses us with the warmth and sunshine of spring I am attempting to stay grounded. 

There are a few practices that are giving me comfort as I consider for myself and my family what the future might look like for us. The following simple practices are helping me to balance my desire to get out in the world safely and my need for calm, comfort, and balance.

Walks – My son and I take daily walks – and sometimes when one of us is angry we’ll go on a walk until we’re ready to talk about it. We take Dr. Brenee Brown’s research into breath work and exercise and apply it to our conflicts. Exercising, getting out into nature, and allowing ourselves to be distracted and embraced by the beauty we find outside.

Meditation – I have had, “meditate daily,” on my new year’s resolution list for five years now and I never seem to find the time. Lately, I have made it part of my afternoon routine. Walk, lunch, meditate, and write. I use the guided meditations provided by The Mindful Movement, you can find them on YouTube or simply Google a guided meditation for the amount of time you have to work with at the moment. I feel most refreshed after 20 minutes, but any amount will do.

Breath work – Just taking deep breaths. I find my anxiety flares up when I spend too much time staring at screens. This happens with work, my phone, email. Sometimes it seems every screen I see drains something from me. So taking a break to make the bed or clean up the accumulated cups, cords, and clutter that seem to accumulate around my work space – I take a moment to breathe deeply. I’m not religious about it but that simple intentionality helps me to feel grounded and connected to the present moment.

I must say that with these practices I have found myself more present, still, and calm.

I continue to be productive but the process of getting there is much more enjoyable and gentle. There’s always something that can rattle us or distract us from who we want to be, what we want to accomplish, and the universe typically finds a way to test our boundaries. It seems to me that when I’m feeling proudest of my progress that is when the universe starts poking, just to see if I’m serious. This week it came in the form of work emails, a simple correction cc’d to the team, a routine process I did the old way not the new way, and overtired kiddos not willing to help clean up dishes without a fight. But even as these minor annoyances piled up, as they do at the end of the day, I was able to stay calm, take my main culprit on a walk and work out our challenges together. I also noticed that with my family, when I take a breath I stop that cycle of anger trickling down to every member of our household we are all better for it.

There will still be moments where I am not at my finest – but if I can send an email that says, “Wonderful – thank you!” instead of, “Listen here buddy,” I know I’m making progress and staying true to who I am and who I want to be in the world rather than reactive to every curveball that comes my way. These practices may not change the world but they will definitely change your day and for since this is the only moment I can live, it changes my world anyway. For me, that’s enough.

Spring Appreciation

Today I am deep in appreciation, that firm life sustaining roundedness that yes, makes me grateful, but also makes me present here in this moment. Spring is just filling me with hope and promise that is satisfying and uplifting on a very real and primal level. Right now we are all lotus blossoms that have waited patiently, for hundreds of years. Not to say that there still aren’t challenges, or to belittle the collective loss, suffering, isolation, and angst – those feelings are still valid and real. Yet, now, the sun is shining. Birds are singing. Frogs making their guttural croaks that vibrate their very bodies. 

There is a breeze and it is gentle and cool. There are flowers by my bedside and crocuses in the yard. There is just this deep, affirming sensation of wellness and promise that in the coming days more of us will be well. 

The past year has been so hard and if we’re being honest the three years that led up to it as well, but here we are in this moment. This may be the other side and I am intensely, passionately grateful to be here. I did not know how this journey would go, if we would really make it. And I am filled with love.

I feel peaceful and present and bold. My mere survival to this point an act of defiance and delight. There are many who cannot say the same. And in that knowledge I just want to rest. That awareness and gentle gratitude for all we have learned, the sacrifices made, the hope we hold in our hearts for the future. 

The shape of what is to come is still undefined, we only know that it will look little like our past. What it will contain is the multitude of blessings we have found meaningful in this time of social distancing and conscientious isolation. For me it means quality time with family, it means more time alone, more herbal tea, meditation, and long walks. You’ll have to tell me what it means to you. 

Whatever shape your future takes I hope you join me in a collective sigh of relief. We’ve made it this far. We made it to today, this was not guaranteed and so let us savor it now that it is ours. We are all so fortunate to be here. What light. What love. What joy.