M.K. Sheehan's Blog, page 22

Happy Anniversary?

As we commemorate this first year anniversary of COVID-19, this collective moment of awareness reminds me of where we were a year ago. The language of a brief shutdown, flatten the curve, stay home stay safe, we’re in this together – all of it hopeful and calling for unity. As daily updates from Governors called upon citizens to step up in order to save the lives of loved ones and strangers alike. 

Yet as the curve turned into second and third surges our American cynicism kicked into high gear. We joked about phrases like, “avoid it like the plague,” because as American’s we in fact do not avoid the plague. We are such a social society that the idea of being alone, even if collectively, instigated feelings of FOMO (fear of missing out), loneliness, and fatigue. 

Here we are a year later with more than 500,000 deaths at the hands of Covid-19 so many of us have lost jobs, health, and loved ones. Yet, we have also triumphed. We have multiple vaccines, we have (most of us) gotten the hang of wearing our masks regularly, and we are all eagerly awaiting the arrival of spring and with it the hopeful eradication of this disease.

Perhaps unintentionally, or in answer to this reckoning, I have taken a stance of radical generosity. I keep a bucket list, a running tally of the things I hope to do someday. Some are personal, my own writing cottage, a lake and a small boat to paddle. Some are big, visit all 50 states, play a grand piano in an empty house… also, learn to play the piano. Not all of them will get done – but playing chopsticks in an empty house still counts and I did that last year so technically, the goal was accomplished but it stays on the list, in case I do ever take lessons I want the satisfaction of really scratching it off. 

One of the items on my list is to pay for a child to go to summer camp, a child who would not be able to attend without support. And this week, I did it. I don’t know what child will benefit from this gift, my only hope is that after this year that has taken its toll on all of us that some little person may enjoy paddling around a lake, horseback riding lessons, or just singing songs and eating s’mores. Whatever it is that this child needs I hope they have it at camp, I hope in some small way to make their lives better, even if only for a week. 

Camp to me has always been the Haley Mills Parent Trap dream, uniformed children in bunk beds, reading, hiking, swimming. Children from all over the world coming together in an idyllic setting to play, grow, and learn. Mountains, horses, and sing alongs. And while I never had that experience myself, our family was more the day camp kind, I want to give that gift to another family. So this year I did it. 

Honestly, I feel proud of myself and that feels like a warm tea pot gently tipped and began filling me up with warmth, safety, joy, and contentedness. I want that for the child who receives this gift. I want that for all of us. After this year, in spite of this year, I want that for all of us. This is how I got it, how about you?

Catching up on my Correspondence

I wrote a letter to my cousin in bootcamp. I’ve taken to writing him every day, I realized I had a captive audience and hope my letters about weather patterns, books, and ideas give him something else to think about as he works long hard hours and listens to the relentless yelling of his instructors. 

I’m proud o him, but I was proud of him before he left. He’s a wonderful person and I’m sure he’ll make his way in the world. This is just a hard spot and writing him reminds me of the countless letters I sent to my own brother when he was in bootcamp and serving abroad. 

My personal favorite note came from my brother while he was serving in Iraq. I would write him about everything that happened in my day, just a daily drone of what life was like at home, how much I missed him, and what minor inconveniences were frustrating me at the time. 

I had apparently written about a copier mauling a report I was supposed to give and having to start all over, the tedium of office life for a young professional. He wrote back about how he completely understood because at his job today he was shot at. He was just going about his business lifting in the yard when he heard a ping off of one of the weights, he finished his reps then realized he was being shot at and had to hit the deck because some sniper was trying to kill him. He made the point that our days were so similar, just two young professionals going to work. The letter was fantastic and I am not doing it justice here, because I remember laugh-crying when I read it. He ended on something like, “if only you could ship the copier here, the the sniper could shoot at that and we could all go back to work.” 

Oh, it put my life in perspective. He always does.

I’ve started a new tradition too, when I write my letters to my cousin, I include a postcard with a small note of encouragement for whomever in his barracks did not get a card that day, or maybe never gets a card. Not everyone comes from a big family or from people who write letters but as they are all enduring daily challenges I thought it might be nice to know someone is thinking of you and I do say a little prayer for whomever gets the notes. I hold a space in my heart for the good people who are doing this difficult work, willing to be shot at so that I can comfortably cuss out office equipment in peace. 

Vacation at Home Joy

Lately, I have been down and heavy. It has been cold and dark and I didn’t write because it just wasn’t time. Well, it is now time. The weather has broken and in Ohio, I know this is only a temporary reprieve. Last year we had snow in April… and I think May but I’m not going to fixate on it. It is 50 degrees outside today. And maybe that’s a sign of global warming but I’m going to enjoy mother nature’s flex. I have the windows open, there is a gentle breeze. An owl is hooting in the trees behind our house and life just feels good.

Let me begin with what I truly want to say, which is that I don’t know who needs to hear this but you can make coconut shrimp at home, whip up a batch of pina coladas, and find a copy-cat recipe for some Red Lobster cheddar bay biscuits and live your best life. I know this because I am doing it, I am living this dream this weekend. There is steel drum music blessing our main floor and I am not tired of hearing “No Woman, No Cry,” on a loop. The sun is shining and it is a glorious day. It is quiet. 

It is Saturday and no one is going anywhere, we cancelled our plans. I am wearing a coral colored shirt that reminds me of my dad, because it’s the same shirt he wears most days I just bought it in a smaller size – also, pro-tip, when buying mens clothing for women, wait a hot minute and the more feminine colors will go on sale and you can get them cheap. I consider this a double pink tax win, as I get the pink and the look I want at a men’s sale price. I’m not telling you how to live but I will say that I feel pretty freaking fabulous right now. 

All I want to wish you is sunshine, light, love, and cheddar bay biscuits wherever you are because I’m pretty sure this is love. I know it’s happiness and fulfillment but I am also pretty sure it’s love.

Studies have shown that vacations lift your mood three times. Beforehand they enhance your mood as you plan and anticipate. While you are on vacation you enjoy the splendors of vacationing and not being tethered to the outside world. Afterwards as you reminisce the vacation memory lifts your mood as you remember the joy they brought you. And maybe that is why our home feels like pure joy and instead of being drenched in anxiety or longing for spring, I am grateful for this moment. Grateful for this bone deep joy that I am feeling and inspired to write to all of you and remind you that even while we stay home, even while we await vaccinations and springtime, there is so much good we can do to take care of ourselves. If your joy is a weiner schnitzel Bierhaus, fondu chalet, or coconut shrimp beach, give yourself the gift of enjoying it at home now. Plan the trip, reap the reward, and bask in easy joy. You deserve it, we all do.

This image does not do this dinner justice. I baked the coconut shrimp and they were light and magnificent… we started eating before I remembered to take a picture. Sorry, not sorry.

Old Letters and Laughter

My gratitude today begins in joy. I am grateful for words written and said. I am grateful for poetry and inside jokes. I am cleaning out our family’s photos and organizing them for my grandmother – asking who is in the photos and what letters and cards would she like to keep. Many aged scraps of paper are going into the recycling bin. But there are a precious few that are so sacred we hold on to them.

There’s a pile of prayer cards from the various funerals she has attended all her life. The cards have given us an opportunity to bond and talk about all of the wonderful people she has known in her life. I found one for a priest who even after death brought us shared laughter as he was the best curmudgeon she has ever known. A man who on a beautiful sunny day would only observe, “It’s going to rain.” What a gift to share this laughter with her and get to know a man I will never have the good fortune to meet. There is a belief that after a certain amount of time a person is forgotten and when your name is forgotten here on earth you cease to exist in the afterlife, hopefully doing this exercise has bought some time for some worthy people.

I found a handwritten letter to my great grandmother. In it the author thanks her for her leadership as President of their Women’s Study Club. “I enjoyed working with you.” (Authors emphasis) “You had problems with the same, I know, but always acted like a ‘lady’”, hinting that the need to be less than ladylike would be totally understood by the author, a former President of the group. This filled me with pride and made my grandmother and I laugh out loud because, this is people – the note was written in 1985 and yet, we have all been in that group. We all know exactly what is not being said and it just tickled me to think not only am I proud of my great grandmother for being a leader in her community but for handling difficult situations with grace under pressure. That is a legacy I am proud to carry on. 

We also found letters from my great uncle to his parents, some hilarious, others subdued, but all of them optimistic, and closing with a joke. The best line I founds was, “I finally broke the news to Kathy (his daughter) that we are poor. Her response was: “You sure hide it very well!” He then goes on to belabor his difficulties in selling one of his two residences by saying, “Oh well, what else is new! On my way to debtors prison I can always boast about owning two houses. I think I’ll call the Niagara house, McLeod’s North.”  He’s scared of what is to come but he won’t let his parents see him down and out, he must give them a laugh and a smile so they know he’s ok. He signs the letter, “The Wayward Wanderer.” And again I am struck by how true to life that feels. 

Both the letter’s author and its intended recipients are long gone and yet the words ring with clarity and human honesty and vulnerability. They give you a glimpse into both how the authors thought of themselves and how they thought of their correspondents. On top of being an intimate window into the life and times letters are revealing of character. The words are not just true of that time period or of those people in particular, they are steeped in the camaraderie that is created through trial and the love that sustains and supports us all even through the darkest times. They also show the importance of a well timed joke. 

At this point in our history I’m sure none of us much feel like joking but we still need to laugh and so that is my wish for you this week. That you find some words of comfort, or send some words of support to a friend, who knows if 50 years later someone you don’t even know might read your words and be inspired or laugh because of what you said or how you said it. I wish you laughter my friends, and lots of it.

The Dawning of a New Day

Today is the first day of President Biden and Vice President Harris’s administration and I can feel myself cracking open. It is as finding an oasis in the desert. The tender shoots of spring are finally peeking out from under a blanket of snow. The last four years have been heavy, a burden on our minds, hearts, and heads. There will be those that seek and destroy the evils that have been unleashed in our nation but much like Pandora’s box, hope remains. And today I am feeling hope melt into the spaces that fear, disappointment, and lies had occupied during the previous administration.

The words I wish to share: freedom, confidence, trust, resilience, and hope. Hope that we are exactly where we are intended to be in the world, that our leaders will carry the torch of justice and equity into their daily works and that these United States will be re-anointed with the support of our allies and friends in the world. We have driven back the darkness for one more day. 

Once again we have been reminded of the fragility of democracy. More clearly than ever we see the necessary exercise of investing time and attention into whom we elect and why. The arrival of Biden an Harris is not an end to political discord or challenge, for we must continue to fight for those things we believe in and want most from our government and elected leaders. However, it is an end of our federal executive’s support for hate and fear mongering. We are not what we fear, we are not what we hate. This nation is made up of what we love, what we hope, and what we dream. Our most powerful dreams and the idea that we are free, nee obligated, to pursue them is a concept that is uniquely American.

We are selfish and spoiled, self-focused and obsessed. But we are not evil, we are not consumed by hatred. We are still a young nation and every youth rebels and rejects what is known in an attempt to find what fits. We have learned from this rebellion, this white supremacist attack on our collective beliefs and our Capitol building, that we are not what we hate. Those rioters sought to destroy, threaten, and steal that which belongs to the people, to all of us. They did not succeed. 

Sadly, lives were lost and harm was done – looting, violence, the damage to our collective consciousness. However yesterday a new dawn broke through, a new President and Vice President were sworn in, a Youth National Poet Laureate shook us to our roots, and voices raised in song celebrated our Nation’s new victory over threats to our democracy.

I was particularly struck the the words of the oath of office, “against threats both foreign and domestic.” Not even a sentence, often a blip we skim over to get to the seriousness of business. This week those words felt necessary, the gravity of their intention clear, the duty of our elected officials is to serve the people and to do their best to serve the best interests of our nation. 

Today as my heart is cracking open, as I feel the need to wash the last four years out of my hair. I remember only the lessons, the all too important and easily forgotten message, we are in this together. Today is a new and shining day. There is hope. We have each other and we will move forward stronger and more certain in our roles as citizens, public servants, and as one Nation Under God, Indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for All.