Maryanne Comaroto's Blog, page 7
June 2, 2009
Self-Help: too much of a good thing?!
What a flipping fantastic question! When I was 33 years old I asked myself that very same question!! My library at the time brimmed with enough self-esteem-building, spirit-lifting, relationship-advising, co-dependent, neurotic, feminist, esoteric, astrological, paleontological, philosophical paradigms and relief to diagnose and heal several galaxies. From the esoteric: psychics, tarot readers, trance channels, holographic re-patterning specialists, aura color healers, palm readers, Reiki masters, past-life regression experts of the Far East Dharma, Karma, Buddha masters. I included the New Age, the poets and even the dead: Kierkegaard, Swedenborg, Kant, Borges. And I didn’t stop there: I devoured books on sex, business, the inner workings of the mind and ecstatic dance. If it was nonfiction and said “help” ANYWHERE in or on the book, I READ IT! I was on a path (with frequent intermissions) to find out EXACTLY how to be free and NOT suffer unless absolutely necessary. And even then was convinced I could find a way to diminish the likelihood of that. Yet, despite my drive in my particular quest to find immunity from pain, this form of my quest came to an abrupt halt at 33. I had crossed a line.
And funnily enough, just prior to that I had asked myself—or rather, I heard that still small voice that I hear and know as the Great Divine (sort of as if The Great Oz was God) inside of me say…and I swear it cleared its throat (okay, maybe not, but I like to think my inner guidance system has a tremendous sense of humor) “Maryanne…dear. Can it be, after so many years of relentless pursuit of the internal fortress you seek, that the answer does not lie somewhere in even one of these books?”
I was actually embarrassed, because for the first time I realized how profound the notion was. When you come down to it, awakening and staying awake is not a new concept. Yes, we are complicated beings, but many great people have devoted their lives to taking on the complex material of spiritual laws and have done a really tremendous job of breaking it down for us. Yet there I was, face-to-face with a question that led me across the abyss of awareness to transformation. It was time, at last, to take all “I knew” and actually create a practice. You see, I had become addicted to the buzz. A self-help junkie. And why not? I am pretty sure that of all my addictions this one actually paid off! But like all things the time had come for me to fish or cut bait. Change or die—well, I wanted to die, anyway.
Despite all this amazing information, I stood and looked at my life and could not figure out why, despite knowing “it all,” I was still suffering. Still in an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship; still exercising poor choices, maintaining inappropriate boundaries, religiously entertaining recurrent negative self-talk, etc. And I knew it. This, my friends, was painful. They say ignorance is bliss. I said, after a 17-year quest to, in essence, wake up, I instead was faced with (in great detail) precisely what was wrong with me, simultaneously knowing better. Reminds me of a great line from a poem: "The fish in the water that is thirsty needs serious professional counseling." Kabir
And then I woke up! Yup. Just like that. For me it took what it took, and, like all of us on a path, it takes what it takes. So could it be that had I read one book fewer I would have had my awakening, being delivered from suffering? Would I not have found that which I had sought my entire life? I can never know, it seems. What I do know is that I am often asked this question, I say to anyone that walks through my door or asks my advice on the matter: “What do you want? And what are you willing to do about it?” The answer for me was simple. I wanted true freedom of being and freedom from suffering. I said a prayer. “God, please show me the way!” And I woke up. But not before I had spent almost twenty years trying everything else! And what I was willing to do about it? The answer was equally as simple; whatever it took! Staying awake for me, is what I had sought my whole adult life, And to stay awake included, among other things, developing a daily practice that fostered this gift I had received.
(for more on the method I developed out of this experience check out http://corrcertification.com)
And funnily enough, just prior to that I had asked myself—or rather, I heard that still small voice that I hear and know as the Great Divine (sort of as if The Great Oz was God) inside of me say…and I swear it cleared its throat (okay, maybe not, but I like to think my inner guidance system has a tremendous sense of humor) “Maryanne…dear. Can it be, after so many years of relentless pursuit of the internal fortress you seek, that the answer does not lie somewhere in even one of these books?”
I was actually embarrassed, because for the first time I realized how profound the notion was. When you come down to it, awakening and staying awake is not a new concept. Yes, we are complicated beings, but many great people have devoted their lives to taking on the complex material of spiritual laws and have done a really tremendous job of breaking it down for us. Yet there I was, face-to-face with a question that led me across the abyss of awareness to transformation. It was time, at last, to take all “I knew” and actually create a practice. You see, I had become addicted to the buzz. A self-help junkie. And why not? I am pretty sure that of all my addictions this one actually paid off! But like all things the time had come for me to fish or cut bait. Change or die—well, I wanted to die, anyway.
Despite all this amazing information, I stood and looked at my life and could not figure out why, despite knowing “it all,” I was still suffering. Still in an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship; still exercising poor choices, maintaining inappropriate boundaries, religiously entertaining recurrent negative self-talk, etc. And I knew it. This, my friends, was painful. They say ignorance is bliss. I said, after a 17-year quest to, in essence, wake up, I instead was faced with (in great detail) precisely what was wrong with me, simultaneously knowing better. Reminds me of a great line from a poem: "The fish in the water that is thirsty needs serious professional counseling." Kabir
And then I woke up! Yup. Just like that. For me it took what it took, and, like all of us on a path, it takes what it takes. So could it be that had I read one book fewer I would have had my awakening, being delivered from suffering? Would I not have found that which I had sought my entire life? I can never know, it seems. What I do know is that I am often asked this question, I say to anyone that walks through my door or asks my advice on the matter: “What do you want? And what are you willing to do about it?” The answer for me was simple. I wanted true freedom of being and freedom from suffering. I said a prayer. “God, please show me the way!” And I woke up. But not before I had spent almost twenty years trying everything else! And what I was willing to do about it? The answer was equally as simple; whatever it took! Staying awake for me, is what I had sought my whole adult life, And to stay awake included, among other things, developing a daily practice that fostered this gift I had received.
(for more on the method I developed out of this experience check out http://corrcertification.com)
May 28, 2009
Relationships don't HAVE to be Hard, we Just Make Them That Way!
Do you ever feel like relationships are 2 parts game, 1 part luck? Or maybe you are at the point where it feels like ALL game to you…and you’re all gamed out? Maybe you just wish it could be like in the movies, a little: boy meets girl, some witty banter, your souls become one, you get married and live happily ever after. Or a more modern version: you meet in re-hab, you have both seen the light, you put your pasts behind you, your souls become one, you get pregnant, move in together, get married, then divorced, but are still really good friends and live semi-happily ever after because your new girlfriend likes your kid and your ex has a better job than you so she didn’t sue for alimony? Or maybe you just suck at relationships and figure this is as good as it gets.
And have you noticed that everyone who has ever been in a relationship is suddenly a relationship expert, coach or guru du jour? Poised and ready to pounce on your temporary lack of clarity or latest relationship disaster, ready to tell you how to get your game back, TODAY, or, if not, for sure in a few weeks! Yeah, ‘cause that’s realistic, right? Rome was built in a day and God created the heavens and earth in what…7 days, right? So…anything’s possible!
I guess it depends on what your idea of a great relationship is:
A) Better than my last one
B) Someone who completes me
C) Right now, just someone (I really don’t want to be alone)
Hmmm. Like this, you’re most likely, according to statistics, to get into a relationship that will ultimately be just like your last one. Another boy meets girl, they get hot for each other, lay on the seduction routine, spend the next three months to ten years finding out who each other really is and then end the relationship, at minimum terribly disappointed or feeling completely ripped off! In case you didn’t know, there is an alternative to the ever-popular collective urge-to-merge nightmare.
Like so many of us, I had gone from one relationship to another, measuring my growth each time in terms of things like: Well, this one’s not an alcoholic, or at least this one’s not a sexual deviant, or whew! this one doesn’t do drugs, or at least he’s loyal, or not addicted to porn—and on the rationalizations went until finally I decided there had to be another way. And I jumped ship; the scenic route to relationship enlightenment was about killing me. The first few lessons I learned set in motion a body of work that I live and teach to this day!
First: I decided that chemistry is an indicator of…chemistry and THAT’S all. That’s where Darwin and I parted ways; I was going with the theory that the rest of our brain is there for a reason. Therefore I was determined to use it, rather than fall prey to the old brain story that a penis has a mind of its own, yadda yadda, etc., etc. Yeah, I did the math on that and noticed I almost always lost when I made decisions based solely on chemistry—NEXT!
Second: Oh, Dr. Phil will love this. Yes, Dr. Phil, we teach people how to treat us. So I got responsible. I went a step further and found physics laws to substantiate the fact, added some neural loop studies to support how to undo or override our early programming, and a few basic Buddhist principles, and birthed my unique recipe for becoming and remaining internally focused, which is the foundation of my daily SHOMI© Method practice. Part of my 7 Essential Truths™, How to Wake up and Stay Awake program.
And third: I sought and found the one thing I had searched for, longed for my entire adult life—a great relationship with myself. Like so many, I had believed (or hoped) that when I found my soulmate I would live happily ever after. Until I realized that my soulmate was me. And that’s when my life changed forever!
Now this may come as a shock to some of you, but having a GREAT relationship involves NO TRICKS, NO GIMMICKS. Rather, generally speaking, it involves: feeling and healing copious amounts of historical pain (some of which you may have currently blocked out); knowing who you are and what you want; possessing effective communication skills and a large amount of discernment; having a daily self-care practice; and, oh yeah, the ability to give yourself everything you want from another person. (You need a real track record of doing all this VS simply having good intentions of all of the above). These skills, by the way, are fundamental to your relationship tool belt.
What I have learned after 28 years on a path of self-discovery and over 25 years working in the personal development industry is that there is a dream that some folks get lucky, the right one comes along and, yes, they live happily ever after. (I have met, uh, no one that falls into this category.) For most of us, if we want the good stuff (and I certainly did) it was about getting real, then realistic and figuring out a plan for how I was going to be successful in this area of my life. I mean, come on—most of go to school for years preparing ourselves to go out and be successful at whatever we want to be successful at, and even then, it escapes so many of us. Imagine trying to run a business without a plan! Can you? Is it a great idea? Not really! 98% of most new business fail within the first 5 years. Mostly because having a good idea is not enough, just like chemistry is not enough or thinking someone is hot, or sexy or looks good or is nice—it’s just not enough to create and maintain a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship! So, what is enough? Honestly, I always say, it takes everything you’ve got! Did for me. And it’s been worth it!
And have you noticed that everyone who has ever been in a relationship is suddenly a relationship expert, coach or guru du jour? Poised and ready to pounce on your temporary lack of clarity or latest relationship disaster, ready to tell you how to get your game back, TODAY, or, if not, for sure in a few weeks! Yeah, ‘cause that’s realistic, right? Rome was built in a day and God created the heavens and earth in what…7 days, right? So…anything’s possible!
I guess it depends on what your idea of a great relationship is:
A) Better than my last one
B) Someone who completes me
C) Right now, just someone (I really don’t want to be alone)
Hmmm. Like this, you’re most likely, according to statistics, to get into a relationship that will ultimately be just like your last one. Another boy meets girl, they get hot for each other, lay on the seduction routine, spend the next three months to ten years finding out who each other really is and then end the relationship, at minimum terribly disappointed or feeling completely ripped off! In case you didn’t know, there is an alternative to the ever-popular collective urge-to-merge nightmare.
Like so many of us, I had gone from one relationship to another, measuring my growth each time in terms of things like: Well, this one’s not an alcoholic, or at least this one’s not a sexual deviant, or whew! this one doesn’t do drugs, or at least he’s loyal, or not addicted to porn—and on the rationalizations went until finally I decided there had to be another way. And I jumped ship; the scenic route to relationship enlightenment was about killing me. The first few lessons I learned set in motion a body of work that I live and teach to this day!
First: I decided that chemistry is an indicator of…chemistry and THAT’S all. That’s where Darwin and I parted ways; I was going with the theory that the rest of our brain is there for a reason. Therefore I was determined to use it, rather than fall prey to the old brain story that a penis has a mind of its own, yadda yadda, etc., etc. Yeah, I did the math on that and noticed I almost always lost when I made decisions based solely on chemistry—NEXT!
Second: Oh, Dr. Phil will love this. Yes, Dr. Phil, we teach people how to treat us. So I got responsible. I went a step further and found physics laws to substantiate the fact, added some neural loop studies to support how to undo or override our early programming, and a few basic Buddhist principles, and birthed my unique recipe for becoming and remaining internally focused, which is the foundation of my daily SHOMI© Method practice. Part of my 7 Essential Truths™, How to Wake up and Stay Awake program.
And third: I sought and found the one thing I had searched for, longed for my entire adult life—a great relationship with myself. Like so many, I had believed (or hoped) that when I found my soulmate I would live happily ever after. Until I realized that my soulmate was me. And that’s when my life changed forever!
Now this may come as a shock to some of you, but having a GREAT relationship involves NO TRICKS, NO GIMMICKS. Rather, generally speaking, it involves: feeling and healing copious amounts of historical pain (some of which you may have currently blocked out); knowing who you are and what you want; possessing effective communication skills and a large amount of discernment; having a daily self-care practice; and, oh yeah, the ability to give yourself everything you want from another person. (You need a real track record of doing all this VS simply having good intentions of all of the above). These skills, by the way, are fundamental to your relationship tool belt.
What I have learned after 28 years on a path of self-discovery and over 25 years working in the personal development industry is that there is a dream that some folks get lucky, the right one comes along and, yes, they live happily ever after. (I have met, uh, no one that falls into this category.) For most of us, if we want the good stuff (and I certainly did) it was about getting real, then realistic and figuring out a plan for how I was going to be successful in this area of my life. I mean, come on—most of go to school for years preparing ourselves to go out and be successful at whatever we want to be successful at, and even then, it escapes so many of us. Imagine trying to run a business without a plan! Can you? Is it a great idea? Not really! 98% of most new business fail within the first 5 years. Mostly because having a good idea is not enough, just like chemistry is not enough or thinking someone is hot, or sexy or looks good or is nice—it’s just not enough to create and maintain a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship! So, what is enough? Honestly, I always say, it takes everything you’ve got! Did for me. And it’s been worth it!
May 25, 2009
It can be done! How to meet (good) guys!
I believe that it's crucial to begin a healthy, fulfilling
relationship with yourself - to understand YOUR likes and dislikes,
YOUR fears and dreams - before trying to share them with another
person. After all, if you don't know much about who you REALLY are ...
what good is that going to be in a relationship?! But ... once you have
headed down that path - when you're primed and equipped with a
relationship tool belt - what's left is the easy part, primarily
because there are men EVEYWHERE. As matter of fact there are approximately 50 million single men in the United States- RIGHT NOW!!
So how do you meet these guys (since you've taken the time to invest
in yourself you, of course, want a guy who's done the same, and not
just any random guy in a bar!) So, here are some of my favorites:
1)Participate in a community dance class. Like the Five Rhythms
dance community (with locations throughout the United sates and world (www.movingcenterschool.com)
Moving your body, mind and spirit in a room filled with as many men as
women is a great place to meet great guys . There’s no alcohol involved
and most of the guys I have met there are on a spiritual path, which in
my book is always a must!! And after class, its especially easy to meet
people, most everyone hooks up for tea or something to eat. Everyone’s
hearts are open and soft. The time is ripe!!!
2)Another place where GREAT guys flock to is a golf tournament,
(which attracts a huge contingent of men!!) One of my favorites is the
AT&T pro am in Monterey California. And there are many others
around the country as well. And the thing I love about the tournaments
climate is that number one, all the spectators are there to enjoy
themselves, so the climates pretty relaxed and civilized I might add.
And the afterwards most everyone heads to an eatery or pub to relax. In
the mean time it's fun to watch the guys watch the game and then when
you’ve spotted a cutie, “Excuse me, uhhmm, I dint know much about golf,
I am here with a friend, what’s a birdie” or if you know your way
around a course, “Oh, he shanked that one…I can't watch. See you on the
green” (you casually whisper in his ear ;)
3)Normally I wouldn’t say a bar…so I won’t. And night clubs are so
loud and dark, you never know what you’re going to get in the light of
day. However there is one place I do recommend and that’s a fundraiser!
And besides what better place to see if a man readily puts his money
where his heart is! Finding a truly generous man is a gift, finding a
guy with a passion for a cause, wow even better. Even if it’s a can of
food at a food drive! It means this person went out of their way to
help make a difference~ And bonus, so can you, while you’re busy
flirting!!
4)All right, here is one of my all-time favorites, that we often
over look. It is The open air farmers market. And the great thing is
you can go alone!! Now they do say don’t s^&* where you eat, but
the good news is you can get food almost everywhere now a days (and if
things get sideways you can always order take out). Okay, so there you
are maybe you’ve seen the guy there before or not. Doesn’t matter. My
favorite sincere line is…”mmm that looks yummy” And viola, you have
made contact and you’re off to the fruit stand together yakking about
the price of strawberries for your smoothie. And remember, a guy who
takes care to put good things in his body, is more likely to take care
of other parts of his life, like a healthy relationship!
5)And my latest favorite place is a comedy club ~ They are fun and
usually attract people with great senses of humor. Here in Nor cal we
have a great comedy club called the Throckmorton. Dana Carvey and
Robin Williams live in town so they randomly show up and make you laugh
so hard you think you might cough up your stomach. Okay so maybe that’s
not attractive but here's what is: during the intermission people get
up a mill about, perfect time for some flirty comedy review. Who
doesn’t love a man with a great sense of humor!!
6)And last on my list, while it may be intimidating, is a symposium
or festival. Yep. And really fun too. You get to be around things that
interest you which is a great way to meet other people that are into
what you are. Compatibility is even more important the longer you are
in any relationship!! And part of that includes sharing things in
common. So pick out an event that actually interests you, like The
Health and Harmony festival held in California, or a writers conference
held on Maui every year or a science fair or Social Network symposium
or a Money Summit~ There are tons of them going on all of the time. And
yes, you can absolutely go alone!! Then once inside there are so many
ways to practice your inner-viewing skills. You may even just
try…”Hello!” For most men, that’s all they need, a foot in the door!!
for more info, check out http://maryannelive.com
relationship with yourself - to understand YOUR likes and dislikes,
YOUR fears and dreams - before trying to share them with another
person. After all, if you don't know much about who you REALLY are ...
what good is that going to be in a relationship?! But ... once you have
headed down that path - when you're primed and equipped with a
relationship tool belt - what's left is the easy part, primarily
because there are men EVEYWHERE. As matter of fact there are approximately 50 million single men in the United States- RIGHT NOW!!
So how do you meet these guys (since you've taken the time to invest
in yourself you, of course, want a guy who's done the same, and not
just any random guy in a bar!) So, here are some of my favorites:
1)Participate in a community dance class. Like the Five Rhythms
dance community (with locations throughout the United sates and world (www.movingcenterschool.com)
Moving your body, mind and spirit in a room filled with as many men as
women is a great place to meet great guys . There’s no alcohol involved
and most of the guys I have met there are on a spiritual path, which in
my book is always a must!! And after class, its especially easy to meet
people, most everyone hooks up for tea or something to eat. Everyone’s
hearts are open and soft. The time is ripe!!!
2)Another place where GREAT guys flock to is a golf tournament,
(which attracts a huge contingent of men!!) One of my favorites is the
AT&T pro am in Monterey California. And there are many others
around the country as well. And the thing I love about the tournaments
climate is that number one, all the spectators are there to enjoy
themselves, so the climates pretty relaxed and civilized I might add.
And the afterwards most everyone heads to an eatery or pub to relax. In
the mean time it's fun to watch the guys watch the game and then when
you’ve spotted a cutie, “Excuse me, uhhmm, I dint know much about golf,
I am here with a friend, what’s a birdie” or if you know your way
around a course, “Oh, he shanked that one…I can't watch. See you on the
green” (you casually whisper in his ear ;)
3)Normally I wouldn’t say a bar…so I won’t. And night clubs are so
loud and dark, you never know what you’re going to get in the light of
day. However there is one place I do recommend and that’s a fundraiser!
And besides what better place to see if a man readily puts his money
where his heart is! Finding a truly generous man is a gift, finding a
guy with a passion for a cause, wow even better. Even if it’s a can of
food at a food drive! It means this person went out of their way to
help make a difference~ And bonus, so can you, while you’re busy
flirting!!
4)All right, here is one of my all-time favorites, that we often
over look. It is The open air farmers market. And the great thing is
you can go alone!! Now they do say don’t s^&* where you eat, but
the good news is you can get food almost everywhere now a days (and if
things get sideways you can always order take out). Okay, so there you
are maybe you’ve seen the guy there before or not. Doesn’t matter. My
favorite sincere line is…”mmm that looks yummy” And viola, you have
made contact and you’re off to the fruit stand together yakking about
the price of strawberries for your smoothie. And remember, a guy who
takes care to put good things in his body, is more likely to take care
of other parts of his life, like a healthy relationship!
5)And my latest favorite place is a comedy club ~ They are fun and
usually attract people with great senses of humor. Here in Nor cal we
have a great comedy club called the Throckmorton. Dana Carvey and
Robin Williams live in town so they randomly show up and make you laugh
so hard you think you might cough up your stomach. Okay so maybe that’s
not attractive but here's what is: during the intermission people get
up a mill about, perfect time for some flirty comedy review. Who
doesn’t love a man with a great sense of humor!!
6)And last on my list, while it may be intimidating, is a symposium
or festival. Yep. And really fun too. You get to be around things that
interest you which is a great way to meet other people that are into
what you are. Compatibility is even more important the longer you are
in any relationship!! And part of that includes sharing things in
common. So pick out an event that actually interests you, like The
Health and Harmony festival held in California, or a writers conference
held on Maui every year or a science fair or Social Network symposium
or a Money Summit~ There are tons of them going on all of the time. And
yes, you can absolutely go alone!! Then once inside there are so many
ways to practice your inner-viewing skills. You may even just
try…”Hello!” For most men, that’s all they need, a foot in the door!!
for more info, check out http://maryannelive.com
