Maryanne Comaroto's Blog - Posts Tagged "self-help"
Self-Help: too much of a good thing?!
What a flipping fantastic question! When I was 33 years old I asked myself that very same question!! My library at the time brimmed with enough self-esteem-building, spirit-lifting, relationship-advising, co-dependent, neurotic, feminist, esoteric, astrological, paleontological, philosophical paradigms and relief to diagnose and heal several galaxies. From the esoteric: psychics, tarot readers, trance channels, holographic re-patterning specialists, aura color healers, palm readers, Reiki masters, past-life regression experts of the Far East Dharma, Karma, Buddha masters. I included the New Age, the poets and even the dead: Kierkegaard, Swedenborg, Kant, Borges. And I didn’t stop there: I devoured books on sex, business, the inner workings of the mind and ecstatic dance. If it was nonfiction and said “help” ANYWHERE in or on the book, I READ IT! I was on a path (with frequent intermissions) to find out EXACTLY how to be free and NOT suffer unless absolutely necessary. And even then was convinced I could find a way to diminish the likelihood of that. Yet, despite my drive in my particular quest to find immunity from pain, this form of my quest came to an abrupt halt at 33. I had crossed a line.
And funnily enough, just prior to that I had asked myself—or rather, I heard that still small voice that I hear and know as the Great Divine (sort of as if The Great Oz was God) inside of me say…and I swear it cleared its throat (okay, maybe not, but I like to think my inner guidance system has a tremendous sense of humor) “Maryanne…dear. Can it be, after so many years of relentless pursuit of the internal fortress you seek, that the answer does not lie somewhere in even one of these books?”
I was actually embarrassed, because for the first time I realized how profound the notion was. When you come down to it, awakening and staying awake is not a new concept. Yes, we are complicated beings, but many great people have devoted their lives to taking on the complex material of spiritual laws and have done a really tremendous job of breaking it down for us. Yet there I was, face-to-face with a question that led me across the abyss of awareness to transformation. It was time, at last, to take all “I knew” and actually create a practice. You see, I had become addicted to the buzz. A self-help junkie. And why not? I am pretty sure that of all my addictions this one actually paid off! But like all things the time had come for me to fish or cut bait. Change or die—well, I wanted to die, anyway.
Despite all this amazing information, I stood and looked at my life and could not figure out why, despite knowing “it all,” I was still suffering. Still in an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship; still exercising poor choices, maintaining inappropriate boundaries, religiously entertaining recurrent negative self-talk, etc. And I knew it. This, my friends, was painful. They say ignorance is bliss. I said, after a 17-year quest to, in essence, wake up, I instead was faced with (in great detail) precisely what was wrong with me, simultaneously knowing better. Reminds me of a great line from a poem: "The fish in the water that is thirsty needs serious professional counseling." Kabir
And then I woke up! Yup. Just like that. For me it took what it took, and, like all of us on a path, it takes what it takes. So could it be that had I read one book fewer I would have had my awakening, being delivered from suffering? Would I not have found that which I had sought my entire life? I can never know, it seems. What I do know is that I am often asked this question, I say to anyone that walks through my door or asks my advice on the matter: “What do you want? And what are you willing to do about it?” The answer for me was simple. I wanted true freedom of being and freedom from suffering. I said a prayer. “God, please show me the way!” And I woke up. But not before I had spent almost twenty years trying everything else! And what I was willing to do about it? The answer was equally as simple; whatever it took! Staying awake for me, is what I had sought my whole adult life, And to stay awake included, among other things, developing a daily practice that fostered this gift I had received.
(for more on the method I developed out of this experience check out http://corrcertification.com)
And funnily enough, just prior to that I had asked myself—or rather, I heard that still small voice that I hear and know as the Great Divine (sort of as if The Great Oz was God) inside of me say…and I swear it cleared its throat (okay, maybe not, but I like to think my inner guidance system has a tremendous sense of humor) “Maryanne…dear. Can it be, after so many years of relentless pursuit of the internal fortress you seek, that the answer does not lie somewhere in even one of these books?”
I was actually embarrassed, because for the first time I realized how profound the notion was. When you come down to it, awakening and staying awake is not a new concept. Yes, we are complicated beings, but many great people have devoted their lives to taking on the complex material of spiritual laws and have done a really tremendous job of breaking it down for us. Yet there I was, face-to-face with a question that led me across the abyss of awareness to transformation. It was time, at last, to take all “I knew” and actually create a practice. You see, I had become addicted to the buzz. A self-help junkie. And why not? I am pretty sure that of all my addictions this one actually paid off! But like all things the time had come for me to fish or cut bait. Change or die—well, I wanted to die, anyway.
Despite all this amazing information, I stood and looked at my life and could not figure out why, despite knowing “it all,” I was still suffering. Still in an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship; still exercising poor choices, maintaining inappropriate boundaries, religiously entertaining recurrent negative self-talk, etc. And I knew it. This, my friends, was painful. They say ignorance is bliss. I said, after a 17-year quest to, in essence, wake up, I instead was faced with (in great detail) precisely what was wrong with me, simultaneously knowing better. Reminds me of a great line from a poem: "The fish in the water that is thirsty needs serious professional counseling." Kabir
And then I woke up! Yup. Just like that. For me it took what it took, and, like all of us on a path, it takes what it takes. So could it be that had I read one book fewer I would have had my awakening, being delivered from suffering? Would I not have found that which I had sought my entire life? I can never know, it seems. What I do know is that I am often asked this question, I say to anyone that walks through my door or asks my advice on the matter: “What do you want? And what are you willing to do about it?” The answer for me was simple. I wanted true freedom of being and freedom from suffering. I said a prayer. “God, please show me the way!” And I woke up. But not before I had spent almost twenty years trying everything else! And what I was willing to do about it? The answer was equally as simple; whatever it took! Staying awake for me, is what I had sought my whole adult life, And to stay awake included, among other things, developing a daily practice that fostered this gift I had received.
(for more on the method I developed out of this experience check out http://corrcertification.com)
The culture of disposable relationships
Oh yeah, one of my favorite topics. The “kick it to the curb, eat ya up and spit ya out, get in, get on, get out,” craze. It feels soooo.. .what’s the word? How about “effing painful.” Well, it can be truly painful if you haven’t learned one of two things: the technique of shutting your own feelings off, or how to spot folks who don’t know how to be intimate and step aside. I have done both, and have much to say on this particular growing cultural psychological phenomenon.
What are you saying, we throw people away?
Yeah. Kinda. The way I see it, relationships have officially become part of our disposable culture: Like diapers, we toss marriages, engagements, friendships, business partnerships, boyfriends, girlfriends, mothers, fathers, children—I’ve even seen Grandmas cut off all ties with their shnuggly little grandbabies. Poof, wad ‘em up, toss ‘em, they are…GONE. What the…?
All it takes sometimes is one sentence, maybe even one word. Then we take our toys and split. Like little babies. Waaah. We have bred a culture filled with people who don’t know how to stay when they don’t get their way. Folks who haven’t bothered to learn or aren’t capable of learning how to be intimate. Or how to stay! Yes, I have been guilty of this myself. We probably all have; things get hot or don’t go as planned, we leave. The problem is, now that’s the norm, and frankly, if we want to be intimate, there is only one thing to do~ grow up!
You might recognize some of these inner modern-day archetypes:
1)The Sociopathippa ~ You don’t do it for me anymore. Doesn’t matter if you meant what you said or that God heard you say it, “until death do us part.” Or, “I will never leave you.” You simply don’t mean it anymore, too bad for you that you believed me, that is now your problem. Those of us who fall into this category (or have) say things like “I meant it at the time, I’m not the same person anymore, I was young”; the modern-day out-clauses for loss of integrity. These people reinforce the idea that the spoken word can now be considered metaphor and that if you take it otherwise, it’s your problem.
2)The Narcissoli~ We want to be free…I gotta be me… This usually happens when people lead with fake, the routine they use to get into or lure you into a relationship. Then they become resentful or feel trapped when you actually think that’s who they are and then they freak and have to leave. Especially when you ask what happened to the person you fell in love with. Ya know, the gal who wanted sex all the time, or the guy who used to be so romantic and open my door. Now, I have a headache or you become invisible. Bye bye!
3)Bipolaraus~ I want you to think I mean what I say, but I only mean it when I feel like it; Got that? This is the crazy-maker scenario. People who on a good day really do mean what they say until, maybe tomorrow, when they don’t. And it’s your job to figure that out. They differ from the “You don’t do it for me anymore” folks because they have less stick-to- it-iveness. These folks show their colors pretty quick. If you like funhouses you probably will love this kind of relationship; you never know what you’re going to get!
4)Neurotica (o)~ The energy junkies, suckers, vultures and vampires. They give to get, they love you and instantly want to be your best friend, can’t do enough for you and give and give and then they’re gone. AND when they see you they act like they don’t know you. Bizarre? But so true. It’s that they don’t know how to say NO, so they just leave. These folks mean well, they’re just well…neurotical!!!
Most relationships are fragile when approached from our wounds. That’s all. So we don’t have to get mad, sad or even. We just might want to pay attention! Compassion is the rule of thumb. How many of us fall slightly into one category or another. (My hand’s up.) And keep in mind, most of us want to be in healthy relationships, just that many of us don’t know how. I try and stay close to the folks who know how, keep on my path of learning and growing so I can stay in that circle myself, and then try and have compassion for folks who haven’t figured this out yet.
And while some of us crave someone to call us on our crap, keep in mind folks who are deep in unconsciousness might not feel the same. A seeker of truth looks for reflection; they understand that great relationships begin within, and can tell the difference between someone’s projection and an opportunity to explore themselves again.
Shutting down
My mom used to say, “Hurt people hurt people.” Made sense to me. Somewhere in our childhoods, most likely, we decide what we don’t like and make a decision to not put ourselves in that situation again. The problem is, this reinforces being externally referenced, i.e. I experience life from the outside in. Therefore and thus, that person made me feel, whatever. So then I pick and choose my experiences (or so I believe) based on that person’s likelihood to hurt me or not. The alternative? I say, be responsible, have a daily practice of self-inquiry, try to stay awake and learn discernment, the ability to see and feel where other folks are on their journey as it relates to your reality, and continue to seek folks who have relationship skills and know how to use them!
Having said this, I still have teased out some legitimate reasons to change the form of a relationship sooner rather than later:
Some abruptly...
Someone is physically abusive (one or more times)
Someone is a pathological liar ( incapable of telling the truth)
Someone is putting themselves or you in actual danger
Then I have found some other reasons that warrant departure, after much consideration and attempts to reconcile (or at least part amicably)…
Someone was unable or unwilling to communicate responsibly
Someone was incapable or unwilling to keep their agreements
Someone was repeatedly unwilling or incapable of seeing their part in the relationship
Someone partook in addictive behavior that created an unhealthy or unsafe environment (either emotionally or physically)
Someone’s psychological needs became paramount and needed attention beyond the scope of either partner
Someone’s behavior was constantly contradictory to the arrangements and agreements (implied or otherwise) set forth in the partnership
You are absolutely convinced, based on careful observation and counsel, that regardless of what this person says or does you simply do not share the same reality, and are therefore left to accept that the chasm is too great to create real intimacy
Take care of yourself. Like I always say, great relationships begin within!
What are you saying, we throw people away?
Yeah. Kinda. The way I see it, relationships have officially become part of our disposable culture: Like diapers, we toss marriages, engagements, friendships, business partnerships, boyfriends, girlfriends, mothers, fathers, children—I’ve even seen Grandmas cut off all ties with their shnuggly little grandbabies. Poof, wad ‘em up, toss ‘em, they are…GONE. What the…?
All it takes sometimes is one sentence, maybe even one word. Then we take our toys and split. Like little babies. Waaah. We have bred a culture filled with people who don’t know how to stay when they don’t get their way. Folks who haven’t bothered to learn or aren’t capable of learning how to be intimate. Or how to stay! Yes, I have been guilty of this myself. We probably all have; things get hot or don’t go as planned, we leave. The problem is, now that’s the norm, and frankly, if we want to be intimate, there is only one thing to do~ grow up!
You might recognize some of these inner modern-day archetypes:
1)The Sociopathippa ~ You don’t do it for me anymore. Doesn’t matter if you meant what you said or that God heard you say it, “until death do us part.” Or, “I will never leave you.” You simply don’t mean it anymore, too bad for you that you believed me, that is now your problem. Those of us who fall into this category (or have) say things like “I meant it at the time, I’m not the same person anymore, I was young”; the modern-day out-clauses for loss of integrity. These people reinforce the idea that the spoken word can now be considered metaphor and that if you take it otherwise, it’s your problem.
2)The Narcissoli~ We want to be free…I gotta be me… This usually happens when people lead with fake, the routine they use to get into or lure you into a relationship. Then they become resentful or feel trapped when you actually think that’s who they are and then they freak and have to leave. Especially when you ask what happened to the person you fell in love with. Ya know, the gal who wanted sex all the time, or the guy who used to be so romantic and open my door. Now, I have a headache or you become invisible. Bye bye!
3)Bipolaraus~ I want you to think I mean what I say, but I only mean it when I feel like it; Got that? This is the crazy-maker scenario. People who on a good day really do mean what they say until, maybe tomorrow, when they don’t. And it’s your job to figure that out. They differ from the “You don’t do it for me anymore” folks because they have less stick-to- it-iveness. These folks show their colors pretty quick. If you like funhouses you probably will love this kind of relationship; you never know what you’re going to get!
4)Neurotica (o)~ The energy junkies, suckers, vultures and vampires. They give to get, they love you and instantly want to be your best friend, can’t do enough for you and give and give and then they’re gone. AND when they see you they act like they don’t know you. Bizarre? But so true. It’s that they don’t know how to say NO, so they just leave. These folks mean well, they’re just well…neurotical!!!
Most relationships are fragile when approached from our wounds. That’s all. So we don’t have to get mad, sad or even. We just might want to pay attention! Compassion is the rule of thumb. How many of us fall slightly into one category or another. (My hand’s up.) And keep in mind, most of us want to be in healthy relationships, just that many of us don’t know how. I try and stay close to the folks who know how, keep on my path of learning and growing so I can stay in that circle myself, and then try and have compassion for folks who haven’t figured this out yet.
And while some of us crave someone to call us on our crap, keep in mind folks who are deep in unconsciousness might not feel the same. A seeker of truth looks for reflection; they understand that great relationships begin within, and can tell the difference between someone’s projection and an opportunity to explore themselves again.
Shutting down
My mom used to say, “Hurt people hurt people.” Made sense to me. Somewhere in our childhoods, most likely, we decide what we don’t like and make a decision to not put ourselves in that situation again. The problem is, this reinforces being externally referenced, i.e. I experience life from the outside in. Therefore and thus, that person made me feel, whatever. So then I pick and choose my experiences (or so I believe) based on that person’s likelihood to hurt me or not. The alternative? I say, be responsible, have a daily practice of self-inquiry, try to stay awake and learn discernment, the ability to see and feel where other folks are on their journey as it relates to your reality, and continue to seek folks who have relationship skills and know how to use them!
Having said this, I still have teased out some legitimate reasons to change the form of a relationship sooner rather than later:
Some abruptly...
Someone is physically abusive (one or more times)
Someone is a pathological liar ( incapable of telling the truth)
Someone is putting themselves or you in actual danger
Then I have found some other reasons that warrant departure, after much consideration and attempts to reconcile (or at least part amicably)…
Someone was unable or unwilling to communicate responsibly
Someone was incapable or unwilling to keep their agreements
Someone was repeatedly unwilling or incapable of seeing their part in the relationship
Someone partook in addictive behavior that created an unhealthy or unsafe environment (either emotionally or physically)
Someone’s psychological needs became paramount and needed attention beyond the scope of either partner
Someone’s behavior was constantly contradictory to the arrangements and agreements (implied or otherwise) set forth in the partnership
You are absolutely convinced, based on careful observation and counsel, that regardless of what this person says or does you simply do not share the same reality, and are therefore left to accept that the chasm is too great to create real intimacy
Take care of yourself. Like I always say, great relationships begin within!
Separating the "B" from the "S"
The other day I was headed to a yoga class. I noticed that my watch and the clock in my car were 10 minutes apart, which meant that if my watch was right I might be late, which meant I might not find a place to park, lay my mat in my favorite spot by the door, or even get in class. So what did I do? What any good American chasing the American dream going to a yoga class would do, I sped up! Just a tad, though, because I actually took care to think through the idea of how ironic (or ridiculous) it would be to get a speeding ticket on the way to yoga class.
When I turned into the parking lot (on two wheels) I could see several people covertly dashing from their cars, which meant my watch was right. The sight of them all racing sent a reflexive primal release of adrenaline that I could almost feel drip from my adrenal cortex and on down through directly to my extremities. Like somebody pulled the trigger and shot me out of the barrel. Okay-okay, where’s my yoga mat… should I grab my purse or leave it in the trunk? Well, that’s stupid, what if someone breaks into the car? Take it… duh. And okay, well, where ..? I looked up from my flurry of gun powder only to see three more people scuffling by me. Great! Just take the mat and let’s go, Maryanne! I headed for the studio like a restrained dart, careful not to appear desperate— it just wouldn’t be yogi-like.
As I was about to hop/leap up onto the curb, two people were closing in on me. They were not exactly running but may as well have been; the intensity of their vibe was like a fleet of wild stallions, which sent an additional flush—this time of fury—through my body-mind-spirit. And then out of nowhere, in sudden revolt, I stopped dead in my tracks and blurted out “I refuse-to rush-into a YO-GA class!” Which came out more like a declaration (and a surprise) rather than a blurt.
One of the three bi-athletes that pretended not to run by me (as though her Prana hoodie, Om tattoo and flipflops were competitive camouflage), hesitated for a brief second, quickly determined I didn’t have turrets and that she was not in danger, then hastened towards the door. The other two glanced back at me, arching their eye brows like “What-ever,” while another gal who had just come up on my heels slowed her pace slightly and whispered sweetly as she crept by, “You’re exactly right,” then purposefully slipped in front of me so she could get in the door first.
Still viscerally perplexed by my outburst, I noticed I was secretly happy none of the other people who had beat me to it were in my class. I took the Level One. They were probably in the Level Five or Ten class, or whichever one is for more advanced people. I still have trouble with the names of the poses, I am new.
Even so I was comforted in knowing that in three minutes or less, after a gentle invitation back to the present moment, I would all but have forgotten my angst, as I would be tied in knots while trying simultaneously to breathe deeply—which seemed to me an oxymoron (which about sums up how I felt about my abilities as an aspiring yogini as well).
Thank God for Savasana. I had forgotten about the stampede, but chalking it up to another of life’s current conundrums just wasn’t going to cut it. I could still feel the afterburn of the disparaging culture we have become, a people obviously wearied by the chase after the American dream, trampled again and again by the rat race, worn by the urgency of survival (real or imagined), and mocked at every turn by someone who has done it better than we have (who is also thinner and better looking) running to yoga class as though life depended on it, pretending we don’t care. And frankly, that bothered me.
Gimme a B~
Normally my bullsh#@* detector is a long-range internal mechanism designed to see things for what they are; this, however, was a new animal, a hybrid. This kind of BS was new and improved. Once upon a time the cons were the cons, the preppies, the junkies, the snobs, the geeks, the jocks, the bullies, the hussies, and so on. You could spot these personas a mile away. Now the ego has gotten so divisive, and with the help of high tech it can hide behind a cacophony of razzle dazzle, words, sweet smoke and mirrors galore. A veritable “pig in shit” for the ego.
Suddenly it’s a free-for-all. We can say anything, be anything we want, as long as we have a web site or a facebook page, we’re legit. As long as we say the right thing, it doesn’t matter what our behavior is. It does not matter that people are not who they say they are, as long as they get what they want. It’s become “the way it is.” And if thou art not hep to this next line of con you best get hep or be trampled.
I think Milly Vanilly started it.
You can be a singer who has no voice, famous and have no talent (unless of course you flashed your vag on the internet—if you can consider this a talent), a guru who has sex with prostitutes, a cop who beats his wife, a pharmaceutical company that promotes addiction, a yogini who thinks peace is something that we’re fighting for in other countries, and even a relationship expert who has a shitty relationship. You can be a parent who doesn’t like kids, a husband who doesn’t believe in marriage, or what the hey—a U.S. president who doesn’t understand the English language.
Let me just say you are not alone in your confusion. These are no doubt confusing times! Things are not as they appear. Recently I read that Michelle Pfeiffer is afraid to go to the beach because she doesn’t want to see a picture of her cellulite splashed across the headlines. You probably thought, Ohh, a skinny little thing like that is perfect. Who knew, she has cellulite? And that it seems she herself is invested in you believing she doesn’t.
Just like those of us who jam our faces up with needles and starve ourselves because we don’t want life to be the way it is.
And you, like me, like the rest of us, fall victim to the vortex, the “say one thing, do another” culture. The proverbial duck above water whose feet are furiously paddling to stay afloat.
We are creatures addicted to the veneer, Bulls addicted to the sh#@*. Hurry up, rush, rush, rush, get mine now or it will be gone, that this is my last chance, there’s no more, if I don’t act now EVERYTHING will be gone, I won’t get my spot or my turn, if I don’t do whatever someone else will—covered up by fake smiles, deals you can’t afford to miss, false promises, fake orgasms, false pretenses, or worse; false intentions.
We say we want to help, but what we don’t say is that we want to help ourselves. We say we want peace…yet we will trample the guy at Wal-Mart to get our 60% off, or free whatever, before the other guy gets it. My current fantasy (not sexy but hey) is wondering what it, life, us, would be like in the absence of fake?
As for the S, my guess is being in survival mode according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs drives most of us and is responsible for what compels most of our unconscious, sh#@*y, fake behavior. Apparently what the last fifty years has taught us is that fake is the new real; when we have the rent paid then comes safety; if we have any energy left over from playing the game of satisfying our psychological needs and if we are among the eccentric few who make time, the last is self-actualization. Peak, or what I prefer to call spiritual experiences, are reserved for folks who apparently have time on their hands or just don’t get it the necessity for all the rest.
The bummer is that spirit is EXACTLY what we need right now. It’s our survival, old-brain, unconscious, dog-eat-dog, survival-of-the-fittest mentality that is killing us, or at least it’s trying to kill our spirit.
When I turned into the parking lot (on two wheels) I could see several people covertly dashing from their cars, which meant my watch was right. The sight of them all racing sent a reflexive primal release of adrenaline that I could almost feel drip from my adrenal cortex and on down through directly to my extremities. Like somebody pulled the trigger and shot me out of the barrel. Okay-okay, where’s my yoga mat… should I grab my purse or leave it in the trunk? Well, that’s stupid, what if someone breaks into the car? Take it… duh. And okay, well, where ..? I looked up from my flurry of gun powder only to see three more people scuffling by me. Great! Just take the mat and let’s go, Maryanne! I headed for the studio like a restrained dart, careful not to appear desperate— it just wouldn’t be yogi-like.
As I was about to hop/leap up onto the curb, two people were closing in on me. They were not exactly running but may as well have been; the intensity of their vibe was like a fleet of wild stallions, which sent an additional flush—this time of fury—through my body-mind-spirit. And then out of nowhere, in sudden revolt, I stopped dead in my tracks and blurted out “I refuse-to rush-into a YO-GA class!” Which came out more like a declaration (and a surprise) rather than a blurt.
One of the three bi-athletes that pretended not to run by me (as though her Prana hoodie, Om tattoo and flipflops were competitive camouflage), hesitated for a brief second, quickly determined I didn’t have turrets and that she was not in danger, then hastened towards the door. The other two glanced back at me, arching their eye brows like “What-ever,” while another gal who had just come up on my heels slowed her pace slightly and whispered sweetly as she crept by, “You’re exactly right,” then purposefully slipped in front of me so she could get in the door first.
Still viscerally perplexed by my outburst, I noticed I was secretly happy none of the other people who had beat me to it were in my class. I took the Level One. They were probably in the Level Five or Ten class, or whichever one is for more advanced people. I still have trouble with the names of the poses, I am new.
Even so I was comforted in knowing that in three minutes or less, after a gentle invitation back to the present moment, I would all but have forgotten my angst, as I would be tied in knots while trying simultaneously to breathe deeply—which seemed to me an oxymoron (which about sums up how I felt about my abilities as an aspiring yogini as well).
Thank God for Savasana. I had forgotten about the stampede, but chalking it up to another of life’s current conundrums just wasn’t going to cut it. I could still feel the afterburn of the disparaging culture we have become, a people obviously wearied by the chase after the American dream, trampled again and again by the rat race, worn by the urgency of survival (real or imagined), and mocked at every turn by someone who has done it better than we have (who is also thinner and better looking) running to yoga class as though life depended on it, pretending we don’t care. And frankly, that bothered me.
Gimme a B~
Normally my bullsh#@* detector is a long-range internal mechanism designed to see things for what they are; this, however, was a new animal, a hybrid. This kind of BS was new and improved. Once upon a time the cons were the cons, the preppies, the junkies, the snobs, the geeks, the jocks, the bullies, the hussies, and so on. You could spot these personas a mile away. Now the ego has gotten so divisive, and with the help of high tech it can hide behind a cacophony of razzle dazzle, words, sweet smoke and mirrors galore. A veritable “pig in shit” for the ego.
Suddenly it’s a free-for-all. We can say anything, be anything we want, as long as we have a web site or a facebook page, we’re legit. As long as we say the right thing, it doesn’t matter what our behavior is. It does not matter that people are not who they say they are, as long as they get what they want. It’s become “the way it is.” And if thou art not hep to this next line of con you best get hep or be trampled.
I think Milly Vanilly started it.
You can be a singer who has no voice, famous and have no talent (unless of course you flashed your vag on the internet—if you can consider this a talent), a guru who has sex with prostitutes, a cop who beats his wife, a pharmaceutical company that promotes addiction, a yogini who thinks peace is something that we’re fighting for in other countries, and even a relationship expert who has a shitty relationship. You can be a parent who doesn’t like kids, a husband who doesn’t believe in marriage, or what the hey—a U.S. president who doesn’t understand the English language.
Let me just say you are not alone in your confusion. These are no doubt confusing times! Things are not as they appear. Recently I read that Michelle Pfeiffer is afraid to go to the beach because she doesn’t want to see a picture of her cellulite splashed across the headlines. You probably thought, Ohh, a skinny little thing like that is perfect. Who knew, she has cellulite? And that it seems she herself is invested in you believing she doesn’t.
Just like those of us who jam our faces up with needles and starve ourselves because we don’t want life to be the way it is.
And you, like me, like the rest of us, fall victim to the vortex, the “say one thing, do another” culture. The proverbial duck above water whose feet are furiously paddling to stay afloat.
We are creatures addicted to the veneer, Bulls addicted to the sh#@*. Hurry up, rush, rush, rush, get mine now or it will be gone, that this is my last chance, there’s no more, if I don’t act now EVERYTHING will be gone, I won’t get my spot or my turn, if I don’t do whatever someone else will—covered up by fake smiles, deals you can’t afford to miss, false promises, fake orgasms, false pretenses, or worse; false intentions.
We say we want to help, but what we don’t say is that we want to help ourselves. We say we want peace…yet we will trample the guy at Wal-Mart to get our 60% off, or free whatever, before the other guy gets it. My current fantasy (not sexy but hey) is wondering what it, life, us, would be like in the absence of fake?
As for the S, my guess is being in survival mode according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs drives most of us and is responsible for what compels most of our unconscious, sh#@*y, fake behavior. Apparently what the last fifty years has taught us is that fake is the new real; when we have the rent paid then comes safety; if we have any energy left over from playing the game of satisfying our psychological needs and if we are among the eccentric few who make time, the last is self-actualization. Peak, or what I prefer to call spiritual experiences, are reserved for folks who apparently have time on their hands or just don’t get it the necessity for all the rest.
The bummer is that spirit is EXACTLY what we need right now. It’s our survival, old-brain, unconscious, dog-eat-dog, survival-of-the-fittest mentality that is killing us, or at least it’s trying to kill our spirit.
Getting off ... the PHONE!
I was at one of my favorite local restaurants this past weekend, picking up Chinese chicken salads and to-die-for cupcakes. While I was waiting for the cashier to pack everything up, I noticed two really cute little kids. This man, this, this…well-dressed man in a very expensive suit was perched like a penguin at a table with his two darling children, it appeared doing his college best to try and talk to his kids, who looked like they were on Prozac.
I thought, ohhhh, how nice , a dad, with his kids,…(okay, yeah, I am a sucker, that’s all it takes for me to well up, the mere sight of a dad on his own with the kids.) This guy was talking non-stop about something, blabbing on and on in the general direction of his kids, yet upon closer inspection I noticed the little girl sitting quietly twirling the end of a clump of her shiny golden locks, staring off in the distance, while her brother listlessly poked at the metal holes in the chair in a half-hearted attempt to play a game he had just made up. Clearly this was no company for Socratic dialogue, but still, there was no connect at all.
I thought, hmmm. Is he scolding them? Then I saw him laugh. No, that’s not it. Are they just to young to understand what he’s talking to them about, I mean maybe he’s talking to them about things they aren’t interested in, like politics or math …
The cashier interrupted my rich little fantasy and suggested I might want to pay now; the line behind me had gotten pretty long. I had almost forgotten what I was doing, I was so engrossed. I handed her my debit card and then looked back over, hoping to find a new clue and once and for all get to the bottom of this curiosity.
Nope, same guy, same scene except…wait…a minute. And then I had a flash of genius (Okay…but it was definitely some kind of flash). Oh, no… is that guy?...Could he be? No… I squinted my eyes, looked closely across the room, and zeroed in on his ear reflected in the mirror, and sure enough…I swear, had it not been for my mother’s imperative I would have shouted “OH MY GOD, HE’S ON THE PHONE!!” I gasped instead. That whole time, instead of trying to do what I naively gave him credit for, almost shed a tear over, he was on the f-ing phone.
Now everything made sense. Now I saw why these kids looked like they were in a dead zone. Oh, the judgments flew, and they were flying everywhere. It was like a judgment storm inside of me!!! And you’re right; I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. I was way beyond giving this guy the benefit of the doubt. Fine, I relented. I didn’t know why this guy was on the phone, or why his kids looked drugged. And is it any of my business? Some would say no, some would say it takes a village.
I see it so much now, parents—hell, people of all ages—who are with each other but not where they are, obviously wanting to connect, but not present to being connected. I watch young kids’ digits manipulate with their opposables, texting like fiends, like junkies, while in the car, while driving the car, parking, talking, walking, riding bikes, skateboards, eating in restaurants. It’s like we should all have the friggin’ phones surgically attached to our bodies! OR—how about, hang up the bloody phone once and a while?
For now I would settle for a modicum of respect and responsibility. Like:
1)If you are driving in the presence of other human beings, hang up the phone—you are putting them in danger. At least, use the speaker. You wanna kill yourself, that’s your decision. The rest of us want to live.
2)If you have children and feel burdened by their presence and wish they were not with you, get help, give them up for adoption, or at least try and talk to people you care about less than them during business hours or when they’re sleeping. Kids need, attention, respect, to feel safe and to have enlightened witness to see them!
3)Basically pay attention to where you are and the effect you may be having on other people. If it seems rude, it probably is. Just walk outside or keep your voice down. Manners are how we show each other respect!
Look, I am no angel, and I do have a phone. But I try like the dickens to be sensitive. Like when I cross the street and someone stops to let me go, I wave, Hey, thanks!; or when someone has one item and I have 90, I say “Go ahead”; and when I am on the phone and with someone else I try and remember this person’s life and time is precious, maybe I should act like it, so I hang up! Lately, every Friday I try and leave my phone at home for several hours, practicing what it was like when people had to wait. I highly recommend it ;)
I thought, ohhhh, how nice , a dad, with his kids,…(okay, yeah, I am a sucker, that’s all it takes for me to well up, the mere sight of a dad on his own with the kids.) This guy was talking non-stop about something, blabbing on and on in the general direction of his kids, yet upon closer inspection I noticed the little girl sitting quietly twirling the end of a clump of her shiny golden locks, staring off in the distance, while her brother listlessly poked at the metal holes in the chair in a half-hearted attempt to play a game he had just made up. Clearly this was no company for Socratic dialogue, but still, there was no connect at all.
I thought, hmmm. Is he scolding them? Then I saw him laugh. No, that’s not it. Are they just to young to understand what he’s talking to them about, I mean maybe he’s talking to them about things they aren’t interested in, like politics or math …
The cashier interrupted my rich little fantasy and suggested I might want to pay now; the line behind me had gotten pretty long. I had almost forgotten what I was doing, I was so engrossed. I handed her my debit card and then looked back over, hoping to find a new clue and once and for all get to the bottom of this curiosity.
Nope, same guy, same scene except…wait…a minute. And then I had a flash of genius (Okay…but it was definitely some kind of flash). Oh, no… is that guy?...Could he be? No… I squinted my eyes, looked closely across the room, and zeroed in on his ear reflected in the mirror, and sure enough…I swear, had it not been for my mother’s imperative I would have shouted “OH MY GOD, HE’S ON THE PHONE!!” I gasped instead. That whole time, instead of trying to do what I naively gave him credit for, almost shed a tear over, he was on the f-ing phone.
Now everything made sense. Now I saw why these kids looked like they were in a dead zone. Oh, the judgments flew, and they were flying everywhere. It was like a judgment storm inside of me!!! And you’re right; I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. I was way beyond giving this guy the benefit of the doubt. Fine, I relented. I didn’t know why this guy was on the phone, or why his kids looked drugged. And is it any of my business? Some would say no, some would say it takes a village.
I see it so much now, parents—hell, people of all ages—who are with each other but not where they are, obviously wanting to connect, but not present to being connected. I watch young kids’ digits manipulate with their opposables, texting like fiends, like junkies, while in the car, while driving the car, parking, talking, walking, riding bikes, skateboards, eating in restaurants. It’s like we should all have the friggin’ phones surgically attached to our bodies! OR—how about, hang up the bloody phone once and a while?
For now I would settle for a modicum of respect and responsibility. Like:
1)If you are driving in the presence of other human beings, hang up the phone—you are putting them in danger. At least, use the speaker. You wanna kill yourself, that’s your decision. The rest of us want to live.
2)If you have children and feel burdened by their presence and wish they were not with you, get help, give them up for adoption, or at least try and talk to people you care about less than them during business hours or when they’re sleeping. Kids need, attention, respect, to feel safe and to have enlightened witness to see them!
3)Basically pay attention to where you are and the effect you may be having on other people. If it seems rude, it probably is. Just walk outside or keep your voice down. Manners are how we show each other respect!
Look, I am no angel, and I do have a phone. But I try like the dickens to be sensitive. Like when I cross the street and someone stops to let me go, I wave, Hey, thanks!; or when someone has one item and I have 90, I say “Go ahead”; and when I am on the phone and with someone else I try and remember this person’s life and time is precious, maybe I should act like it, so I hang up! Lately, every Friday I try and leave my phone at home for several hours, practicing what it was like when people had to wait. I highly recommend it ;)
Creating a password - for your sex life
A very attractive single mom recently told me this story: She had met a man and felt sure he was the man of her dreams. There was a synchronicity about their meeting she could not ignore; the chemistry was electric and the sex, she said, was the best she had ever had—in her life, I might add. It had to be love, she gushed!
But she had a question for me. “What do you think this means? The other day I emailed him after we made love to tell him I could still smell him, that my body was actually still shaking and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I told him that he had moved me so much, and I just wanted him to know how special he was, and how overjoyed my daughter and I are to have him in our lives. He never responded, and when we saw each other a few days later, after only one rather distant phone call in between, I asked him if he had received it. He said, ‘Look, I am not interested in your theatrics.’ and changed the subject.”
This woman looked at me, tears spilling over as she visibly held in her stomach, knowing the answer to her own question. That she got intimate before she knew who this man was and what he wanted—and more, she herself still believed that chemistry is love. Bottom line, his behavior was cruel, and she had made herself and her daughter vulnerable before they had taken care to find out if this man was capable of, or willing to, honor and respect her/them. When I asked her what the secret password for her sacred self was—you know, what a guy has to say to get you to have sex with him—she thought about it and said, “He didn’t say anything, I told myself I have never felt this way before!” and let her tears spill down her cheeks.
Listen up, ladies! We have top-secret codes and passwords for everything: our ATM and credit cards, our email, the alarms at our home and office, our lockers at the gym, for online banking, to get into our cars. I even had to know the secret password to get into my brothers’ silly club when I was a kid. We don’t have a password to get into our pants? And why not? Most of us spend more time trying to outsmart potential identity thieves than protecting our most private, sacred selves and hearts.
We’ll spend more time pecking at the computer trying to come up with a strong enough password to fend off identity thieves than we will interviewing a potential partner. Are we that desperate? What are we are going to get if we don’t take care to lock down our sacred selves until we identify a partner capable of mutual respect, care and a capacity for intimacy and love? Until we learn to hold out, respect ourselves and select someone who WANTS what we want and is available? We will likely get someone who will break our hearts, dispose of us if they become bored, take our retirement funds, give us a STD, beat us, emotionally abuse us, ignore or neglect us, or just be a poor choice overall.
At least considering having some kind of entry code for your private parts is in order, given all that is at stake! While you’re at it, take some time to decide what your secret code is, your password for love, and tattoo it on your body—or at least keep it in a safe place, one you can’t forget. You ARE SO WORTH IT!
But she had a question for me. “What do you think this means? The other day I emailed him after we made love to tell him I could still smell him, that my body was actually still shaking and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I told him that he had moved me so much, and I just wanted him to know how special he was, and how overjoyed my daughter and I are to have him in our lives. He never responded, and when we saw each other a few days later, after only one rather distant phone call in between, I asked him if he had received it. He said, ‘Look, I am not interested in your theatrics.’ and changed the subject.”
This woman looked at me, tears spilling over as she visibly held in her stomach, knowing the answer to her own question. That she got intimate before she knew who this man was and what he wanted—and more, she herself still believed that chemistry is love. Bottom line, his behavior was cruel, and she had made herself and her daughter vulnerable before they had taken care to find out if this man was capable of, or willing to, honor and respect her/them. When I asked her what the secret password for her sacred self was—you know, what a guy has to say to get you to have sex with him—she thought about it and said, “He didn’t say anything, I told myself I have never felt this way before!” and let her tears spill down her cheeks.
Listen up, ladies! We have top-secret codes and passwords for everything: our ATM and credit cards, our email, the alarms at our home and office, our lockers at the gym, for online banking, to get into our cars. I even had to know the secret password to get into my brothers’ silly club when I was a kid. We don’t have a password to get into our pants? And why not? Most of us spend more time trying to outsmart potential identity thieves than protecting our most private, sacred selves and hearts.
We’ll spend more time pecking at the computer trying to come up with a strong enough password to fend off identity thieves than we will interviewing a potential partner. Are we that desperate? What are we are going to get if we don’t take care to lock down our sacred selves until we identify a partner capable of mutual respect, care and a capacity for intimacy and love? Until we learn to hold out, respect ourselves and select someone who WANTS what we want and is available? We will likely get someone who will break our hearts, dispose of us if they become bored, take our retirement funds, give us a STD, beat us, emotionally abuse us, ignore or neglect us, or just be a poor choice overall.
At least considering having some kind of entry code for your private parts is in order, given all that is at stake! While you’re at it, take some time to decide what your secret code is, your password for love, and tattoo it on your body—or at least keep it in a safe place, one you can’t forget. You ARE SO WORTH IT!
Tips for creating your sexual password
My most recent post was about a story I heard from a friend that prompted me to encourage everyone to create a “password” for themselves and put it in place before having sex. To recap: my single mom friend told me that after having sex with a guy she had been seeing, she emailed him to tell him how much he meant to her. He didn't respond, and when they saw each other next time, he told her he wasn't interested in her “theatrics.” My friend knew the problem she had gotten herself into – she had confused chemistry with love and gotten too intimate too quickly.
So what does it mean to have a “password” for your sexual life? Here are some ideas – in varying forms of strength:
Here are some very low-strength passwords:
What’s your number?
You look like my future!
Can I buy you a drink?
You turn me on so much!
I can’t stop thinking about you…
I want you!
Can I come up?
Maybe I’ll call you sometime… (said after first date)
‘Night, darling…He calls you before he goes to bed (but are you the only one he’s calling?)
All of the above one-liners are designed to get you in the sack: for every genuine guy, 99.9% of millions of others want to break your code and see how fast they can do it. Especially a guy who doesn’t want a relationship. Which, by the way, should be your first question (given the statistics, the odds of him telling the truth are slim to none if he thinks you’ll hop in the sack sooner rather than later).
Medium strength
I have never felt this way before!
We’ve been on three dates, come on!
You make me so hot, why would you deny yourself?
My friends all like you.
I am a great guy.
I love you (exclusively when said while naked)
These are common and compelling scenarios, but none of them are real indicators of anything that takes much effort on his part. The three-date rule is ridiculous, and if you fall for it, you lose. For gals, collecting notches on your bedpost isn’t anything to feel good about unless you work at a dude ranch. Have some self-respect and don’t be an idiot. Know who you’re with. Slow down and get some more details and experience with this person. Plenty of time for all-nighters later!
“I love you!” Heck, how many times have you told someone you just met in the ladies room after a few cocktails that you love them? We throw that phrase around like a rag doll these days. Don’t confuse it for the real thing, if that’s what you really want; a genuine reflection of caring and respect. About shacking up: in today’s economy, maybe it will take a load off him emotionally and financially to have a live-in booty call who helps pay rent.
Strong:
I don’t want to see anyone else but you. (and some time has proven this)
I know who I am and what I want.
I think we make a great team!
Move in with me. (no commitment other than this)
I want to share my life with you.
Spend your life with me.
Marry me.
Okay, Ideally these words would be a precursor for sexual intimacy. Why? Because I have been witness to what happens when we don’t slow down and check out the goods. What I am saying is, slow down. Wait. Take the relationship for a test drive. Gather all your information. History tells us that when we don’t, we are setting ourselves up for trouble. It’s not a theory, it’s a fact!
Look at your relationship history and you will see that hindsight serves you. Take care to learn from those choices and have a plan so you are less inclined to make them again. A man who knows he wants to be with you is different from a man who wants you—take note. A man who wants to shack up is different from a man who wants to share his life with you. Pay attention! A man who puts a ring on your finger is more likely to love, honor and respect you, as he believes in the sacred agreement of marriage (and you know his track record there because you’ve done your other homework), and so on. These distinctions often take time to make—again, you are worth the effort and time, and there is plenty of time for sex!
So what does it mean to have a “password” for your sexual life? Here are some ideas – in varying forms of strength:
Here are some very low-strength passwords:
What’s your number?
You look like my future!
Can I buy you a drink?
You turn me on so much!
I can’t stop thinking about you…
I want you!
Can I come up?
Maybe I’ll call you sometime… (said after first date)
‘Night, darling…He calls you before he goes to bed (but are you the only one he’s calling?)
All of the above one-liners are designed to get you in the sack: for every genuine guy, 99.9% of millions of others want to break your code and see how fast they can do it. Especially a guy who doesn’t want a relationship. Which, by the way, should be your first question (given the statistics, the odds of him telling the truth are slim to none if he thinks you’ll hop in the sack sooner rather than later).
Medium strength
I have never felt this way before!
We’ve been on three dates, come on!
You make me so hot, why would you deny yourself?
My friends all like you.
I am a great guy.
I love you (exclusively when said while naked)
These are common and compelling scenarios, but none of them are real indicators of anything that takes much effort on his part. The three-date rule is ridiculous, and if you fall for it, you lose. For gals, collecting notches on your bedpost isn’t anything to feel good about unless you work at a dude ranch. Have some self-respect and don’t be an idiot. Know who you’re with. Slow down and get some more details and experience with this person. Plenty of time for all-nighters later!
“I love you!” Heck, how many times have you told someone you just met in the ladies room after a few cocktails that you love them? We throw that phrase around like a rag doll these days. Don’t confuse it for the real thing, if that’s what you really want; a genuine reflection of caring and respect. About shacking up: in today’s economy, maybe it will take a load off him emotionally and financially to have a live-in booty call who helps pay rent.
Strong:
I don’t want to see anyone else but you. (and some time has proven this)
I know who I am and what I want.
I think we make a great team!
Move in with me. (no commitment other than this)
I want to share my life with you.
Spend your life with me.
Marry me.
Okay, Ideally these words would be a precursor for sexual intimacy. Why? Because I have been witness to what happens when we don’t slow down and check out the goods. What I am saying is, slow down. Wait. Take the relationship for a test drive. Gather all your information. History tells us that when we don’t, we are setting ourselves up for trouble. It’s not a theory, it’s a fact!
Look at your relationship history and you will see that hindsight serves you. Take care to learn from those choices and have a plan so you are less inclined to make them again. A man who knows he wants to be with you is different from a man who wants you—take note. A man who wants to shack up is different from a man who wants to share his life with you. Pay attention! A man who puts a ring on your finger is more likely to love, honor and respect you, as he believes in the sacred agreement of marriage (and you know his track record there because you’ve done your other homework), and so on. These distinctions often take time to make—again, you are worth the effort and time, and there is plenty of time for sex!
The Ultimate Cleanse
What if I told you you’re perfect exactly as you are? Would you believe me? How could I know if you were perfect, you wonder? I have never even seen you. I don’t know what you look like, how big your nose is, what kind of job you have, how much you weigh, if you have stretch marks or cellulite, how much money you have in your bank account, what kind of car you drive or clothes you wear, if you have scars, fake hair, or what other people think about you.
What if I told you there is one diet you could go on that would help build your self-esteem and miraculously make you feel better about who you are and what you have? Make you feel more attractive, loveable, capable and worthy? Could lessen depression and malaise and make you feel special and unique, could help you focus better, achieve your goals, and even give you more time to pursue your dreams. Would you believe me?
My girlfriends and I would spend many a summer day with our bodies slathered in Bain de Soliel (or baby oil if we couldn’t afford that), our faces buried in Cosmo or Vogue, ogling and studying our role models; the emaciated rich. Believing what we saw was real, closing the magazines feeling imperfect and fat yet determined to figure out how to get what they had. A life other than our own. It seemed possible. Why shouldn’t we trust what we saw? It was everywhere; skinny, happy, rich people who wore designer clothes and had passionate relationships.
Little did we know there was a group of people who had concocted it all, a select group of sleazy, greedy, very clever soul-sucking vampires who day in and day out preyed on people just like us. The naïve, trusting, sheep who conveniently, thanks to other patriarchal mandates that were in place, had low self-esteem and had not yet learned to question authority. These few had gathered together like rats near a feast, wringing their hands, salivating at the opportunity to prosper at our vulnerability. Evil at its finest. Make them think they can have it, dangle it in front of them at every turn. Lure them with the airbrushed, fake and impossible—and the stupid, fat and poor will gobble it up like the pathetic peasants they are and we will get rich! Bwa ha ha, Ah ah (insert wicked laughter).
At age 14 I realized that every time I turned on the TV or opened a magazine, afterwards I felt bad about myself, however subtly. The net effect was, I was being hoodwinked or lured to believe I should be, better, cooler, prettier, skinner; something other than me. Interesting how some things never change. But I can – and here was the solution I came up with.
The Ultimate Cleanse:
The bad news may be that the soul suckers lured you in, they sold it, you bought it and you, too, are addicted to being externally referenced. The good news is: The jig is up. Yes, it’s all a big lie. But there is a cure and it’s as simple as, 1-2-3.
1)Turn off your idiot box (TV)
2)Don’t buy any more rags (trash or fashion magazines)
3)Stop paying attention to what other people are doing and focus on yourself!
Let’s fill this out a little.
1)TV is one gigantic infomercial designed to make you feel bad about yourself and to keep you stupid. The average person, according to my friend Robert Mack in his book Happiness from the Inside Out, spends an extra $400 for every hour spent watching television. And the average American watches 30 hours of TV per week, that’s a lotta moolah! 12 grand, ouch!
2)And magazines are filled with celebrities (people who make a living PRETENDING to be other people) and models (people who are starving themselves to look like people that don’t actually exist) who are posers prostituting themselves so they can pay their own mortgages at your expense. They don’t buy those things they’re wearing and using! They are given them by the manufacturers. Why? Because they know we are desperate to have this fake life (which DOES NOT EXIST, by the way), and we will do or buy anything hoping to make ourselves feel better by being or having whatever the celebrities are advertising. Thus programming you to believe you are NOT enough or perfect as you are!
3)Keep your eye on your own ball. If you don’t have a life purpose—then get one. Now. Spending your time looking outside yourself is the surest way to feel bad about yourself. Stop comparing someone’s life to yours, and you will have more time in your day and instantly feel better, because you won’t be comparing yourself to anything outside yourself! It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing, there will always be someone somewhere who is smarter, faster, stronger, prettier, skinnier or richer than you. Who cares? Why do you actually care what Brad Pitt is doing? I can assure you he doesn’t care what you’re doing, because he is busy living his own life.
Being internally referenced is the foundation for all my work. That, and a solid relationship with spirit and your inner divine guidance, and you are all set. You already have everything you need; you have been give the greatest gift of all and it’s staring you right in the face. YOU. What you are is your gift from God! What you make of yourself is your gift back! Jim Rohn, a well-known motivational speaker, once gave me this advice: “Stop building someone else dream!” And I say to you, turn off the TV and shut out the media vultures. Stop taking the bait! Build your own dreams. I promise, you will be glad you did! Your own life is precious and very real. And you are indeed PERFECT as you are.
Try the ultimate cleanse for a month. You will feel better, be more focused, have more time, and be all that closer to turning your heart’s greatest desire into REALITY! It’s not easy, absolutely, but definitely worth the effort—anything worth having is!!!
What if I told you there is one diet you could go on that would help build your self-esteem and miraculously make you feel better about who you are and what you have? Make you feel more attractive, loveable, capable and worthy? Could lessen depression and malaise and make you feel special and unique, could help you focus better, achieve your goals, and even give you more time to pursue your dreams. Would you believe me?
My girlfriends and I would spend many a summer day with our bodies slathered in Bain de Soliel (or baby oil if we couldn’t afford that), our faces buried in Cosmo or Vogue, ogling and studying our role models; the emaciated rich. Believing what we saw was real, closing the magazines feeling imperfect and fat yet determined to figure out how to get what they had. A life other than our own. It seemed possible. Why shouldn’t we trust what we saw? It was everywhere; skinny, happy, rich people who wore designer clothes and had passionate relationships.
Little did we know there was a group of people who had concocted it all, a select group of sleazy, greedy, very clever soul-sucking vampires who day in and day out preyed on people just like us. The naïve, trusting, sheep who conveniently, thanks to other patriarchal mandates that were in place, had low self-esteem and had not yet learned to question authority. These few had gathered together like rats near a feast, wringing their hands, salivating at the opportunity to prosper at our vulnerability. Evil at its finest. Make them think they can have it, dangle it in front of them at every turn. Lure them with the airbrushed, fake and impossible—and the stupid, fat and poor will gobble it up like the pathetic peasants they are and we will get rich! Bwa ha ha, Ah ah (insert wicked laughter).
At age 14 I realized that every time I turned on the TV or opened a magazine, afterwards I felt bad about myself, however subtly. The net effect was, I was being hoodwinked or lured to believe I should be, better, cooler, prettier, skinner; something other than me. Interesting how some things never change. But I can – and here was the solution I came up with.
The Ultimate Cleanse:
The bad news may be that the soul suckers lured you in, they sold it, you bought it and you, too, are addicted to being externally referenced. The good news is: The jig is up. Yes, it’s all a big lie. But there is a cure and it’s as simple as, 1-2-3.
1)Turn off your idiot box (TV)
2)Don’t buy any more rags (trash or fashion magazines)
3)Stop paying attention to what other people are doing and focus on yourself!
Let’s fill this out a little.
1)TV is one gigantic infomercial designed to make you feel bad about yourself and to keep you stupid. The average person, according to my friend Robert Mack in his book Happiness from the Inside Out, spends an extra $400 for every hour spent watching television. And the average American watches 30 hours of TV per week, that’s a lotta moolah! 12 grand, ouch!
2)And magazines are filled with celebrities (people who make a living PRETENDING to be other people) and models (people who are starving themselves to look like people that don’t actually exist) who are posers prostituting themselves so they can pay their own mortgages at your expense. They don’t buy those things they’re wearing and using! They are given them by the manufacturers. Why? Because they know we are desperate to have this fake life (which DOES NOT EXIST, by the way), and we will do or buy anything hoping to make ourselves feel better by being or having whatever the celebrities are advertising. Thus programming you to believe you are NOT enough or perfect as you are!
3)Keep your eye on your own ball. If you don’t have a life purpose—then get one. Now. Spending your time looking outside yourself is the surest way to feel bad about yourself. Stop comparing someone’s life to yours, and you will have more time in your day and instantly feel better, because you won’t be comparing yourself to anything outside yourself! It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing, there will always be someone somewhere who is smarter, faster, stronger, prettier, skinnier or richer than you. Who cares? Why do you actually care what Brad Pitt is doing? I can assure you he doesn’t care what you’re doing, because he is busy living his own life.
Being internally referenced is the foundation for all my work. That, and a solid relationship with spirit and your inner divine guidance, and you are all set. You already have everything you need; you have been give the greatest gift of all and it’s staring you right in the face. YOU. What you are is your gift from God! What you make of yourself is your gift back! Jim Rohn, a well-known motivational speaker, once gave me this advice: “Stop building someone else dream!” And I say to you, turn off the TV and shut out the media vultures. Stop taking the bait! Build your own dreams. I promise, you will be glad you did! Your own life is precious and very real. And you are indeed PERFECT as you are.
Try the ultimate cleanse for a month. You will feel better, be more focused, have more time, and be all that closer to turning your heart’s greatest desire into REALITY! It’s not easy, absolutely, but definitely worth the effort—anything worth having is!!!
10 Things you can do when you are lonely but not ready for a relationship (part 1)
I know of a woman who so longed to be loved, held, and not feel lonely that she gave her lover, a man she hadn’t known long and knew to be a criminal, all of her life savings—some forty-three thousand dollars to be exact. He promised, along with his abiding love, that he would give her back her money with interest in only two short months. When she told her friend what she had done her friend pointed out that she had a small child to feed, and reminded her she had just lost her job—and, incidentally, two other boyfriends just like this one. She quickly replied in her defense that he believed in Karma.
Several months passed, having heard from him only once, when she began to inquire about his whereabouts. Hoping to reclaim her inheritance and self-respect, she learned that he had died in an automobile accident and had left behind a young widow and three small children. When she told her friend what she had discovered, her friend asked her what she had learned. To which she replied, “He died in the car he bought with my money.”
For some of us, being internally referenced or taking responsibility for all you experience is a foreign concept. I know it was for me. I, like so many of us, believed that my circumstances were designed or slated by some dark fate, bad luck or perhaps my difficult childhood. And I didn’t have to look far to see many of my role models and contemporaries following suit. Failed marriages and relationships that fell apart like a strand of dominos over the years, all to the Western tune of: “That rotten, no good, cheating son of a, and he even took the dog!” song.
Starting with five things you can do when you feel desperately lonely:
Feel. I say we gotta feel it to heal it. And if we don’t know what we feel, we don’t know what we need. Get a pillow, sit on the floor and bring it on. Facing our fears sometimes is the perfect answer. Two and three o’clock in the morning are when they hit me the worst. Whatever time it is, facing the boogeyman is ultimately what we all have to do if we want to be free and choose a relationship out of love rather than need (or desperation). If I was gentle, waited and sat with myself long enough, I would begin to feel and heal. I spent many nights (and days) just letting the floodgates loose and seeing what was underneath all my anxiety.
Move. Release what’s inside. Let it out. Oh my, can I just tell you that moving saved my life?! Sometimes I had so much energy, so many feelings welled up in me, that I stood in my kitchen barefoot on the hardwood floor and gyrated around spastically flailing my fists at God and everyone, like James Brown on crack. I screamed and cried and danced and collapsed until I was empty. Running, hiking, swimming, dance classes—you name it, I did it!!
Read. Yes, it is not easy to quiet that restless mind, so pick books that are inspirational and that will engage you every time. Ones that have exercises and great “if I can do it, you can, too” stories. I always had a stack of self-help books and autobiographies nearby, still do.
Write. One of my single girlfriends told me she writes herself love letters. One every night, and they get longer and longer. Then when she wakes up she reads them to herself. Whatever you have pinging around up there, put it on paper. Doesn’t matter how you do it. Journal, write letters to God (he/she will answer back). Who knows, maybe you’ve got the next NY Times bestseller in there!! I wrote copious amounts of dark, intensely feeling poetry in words from the 13th century, channeling my “DNA gone bad” from the past. It was so great to get it out of my body!
Collage. I love to collage, as I am very visual. Pulling pictures out of new magazines (great way to recycle) of people, places, and things that made me feel happy or inspired always worked for me. Sometimes I was surprised at what I learned about myself, what I really liked or longed for.
I'm not simply talking about activities that take up time, but rather, things that will help you discover who YOU are, and put you on a path to where you want to be!
Several months passed, having heard from him only once, when she began to inquire about his whereabouts. Hoping to reclaim her inheritance and self-respect, she learned that he had died in an automobile accident and had left behind a young widow and three small children. When she told her friend what she had discovered, her friend asked her what she had learned. To which she replied, “He died in the car he bought with my money.”
For some of us, being internally referenced or taking responsibility for all you experience is a foreign concept. I know it was for me. I, like so many of us, believed that my circumstances were designed or slated by some dark fate, bad luck or perhaps my difficult childhood. And I didn’t have to look far to see many of my role models and contemporaries following suit. Failed marriages and relationships that fell apart like a strand of dominos over the years, all to the Western tune of: “That rotten, no good, cheating son of a, and he even took the dog!” song.
Starting with five things you can do when you feel desperately lonely:
Feel. I say we gotta feel it to heal it. And if we don’t know what we feel, we don’t know what we need. Get a pillow, sit on the floor and bring it on. Facing our fears sometimes is the perfect answer. Two and three o’clock in the morning are when they hit me the worst. Whatever time it is, facing the boogeyman is ultimately what we all have to do if we want to be free and choose a relationship out of love rather than need (or desperation). If I was gentle, waited and sat with myself long enough, I would begin to feel and heal. I spent many nights (and days) just letting the floodgates loose and seeing what was underneath all my anxiety.
Move. Release what’s inside. Let it out. Oh my, can I just tell you that moving saved my life?! Sometimes I had so much energy, so many feelings welled up in me, that I stood in my kitchen barefoot on the hardwood floor and gyrated around spastically flailing my fists at God and everyone, like James Brown on crack. I screamed and cried and danced and collapsed until I was empty. Running, hiking, swimming, dance classes—you name it, I did it!!
Read. Yes, it is not easy to quiet that restless mind, so pick books that are inspirational and that will engage you every time. Ones that have exercises and great “if I can do it, you can, too” stories. I always had a stack of self-help books and autobiographies nearby, still do.
Write. One of my single girlfriends told me she writes herself love letters. One every night, and they get longer and longer. Then when she wakes up she reads them to herself. Whatever you have pinging around up there, put it on paper. Doesn’t matter how you do it. Journal, write letters to God (he/she will answer back). Who knows, maybe you’ve got the next NY Times bestseller in there!! I wrote copious amounts of dark, intensely feeling poetry in words from the 13th century, channeling my “DNA gone bad” from the past. It was so great to get it out of my body!
Collage. I love to collage, as I am very visual. Pulling pictures out of new magazines (great way to recycle) of people, places, and things that made me feel happy or inspired always worked for me. Sometimes I was surprised at what I learned about myself, what I really liked or longed for.
I'm not simply talking about activities that take up time, but rather, things that will help you discover who YOU are, and put you on a path to where you want to be!
Relationship Aptitude Test: How to smell a RAT
I went to a memorial this week. A friend passed away suddenly; a shock to us all, but to none more than to his bride of twenty-some years. My heart went out to this brave woman and her three children who watched her life change dramatically without any warning. She told me that it was all so surreal—that one day he was laughing and telling her a story that made her laugh so hard she was crying, and the next day she was watching him curl up in a fetal position, and then he was gone. Just like that.
Yet at the reception after the memorial, instead of drowning in her tears (which we would imagine is what most of us would do), she wanted to talk about what a great, loving father and husband he was. How funny and generous he was. How many people’s lives he touched, and how blessed she was to have had twenty years with him. And while yes, her eyes were puffy and blurred with mascara, as sad as she was, she was genuinely grateful and proud to have spent this chapter of her life with such a man. You could feel it was true.
On the ride home tears spilled down my cheeks, as the truth of her words about her husband were also true for me, in a smaller yet significant way. This man has indeed touched my life, his generosity and beautiful spirit has definitely made a difference to me and my family. And then I felt this wave of inspiration fill my heart. A reaffirmation of why I do what I do and do it with such passion. To help people find what my girlfriend found with her beloved husband, however long they were blessed to share that together.
People ask me all the time how to have a great relationship, or if I think they are ready. I usually ask them the same two questions: What do you want, and what are you willing to do about it? Then I direct them to my Relationship Aptitude Test, or RAT, which helps you smell a rat—or find out if you are one. It’s multiple choice. Take your time.
Q 1 When is it okay to date someone who is already in a relationship?
1.Human beings are not monogamous creatures
2. As long as they don’t really want to be with that person
3. I’d rather wait until they are available
Q 2 How long should you wait before you get sexually intimate with someone?
1.It depends on how well I know the person
2.If it feels good, do it
3.Two or three dates, unless it’s love at first sight
Q3 Does it matter how someone’s relationships have ended in the past?
1.Some people just bring out the worst in each other
2.That was then and this is now
3.I am attracted to people who keep their side of the street clean
Q4 Does God matter in a relationship?
1.Not believing in God doesn’t make you a bad person
2.I think it’s key to a relationship to be spiritually compatible
3.To each his own
Q5 When you should bring up marriage or commitment?
1.Be upfront about what you want; you both deserve that
2.You should just go with the flow
3.Not until you’re sure it won’t scare them away
Q6 At what point do you talk about kids or birth control?
1.Love me, love my kids; and know that whatever I do, I am responsible for
2.If you have ‘em, wait to bring them up; if you don’t, wait until they mention it
3.Have a condom and don’t say anything you’ll regret later
Q7 When and how do you talk about STDs?
1.I would assume someone would tell me if they were sick or had some disease
2.ASAP and gracefully
3.You can tell when people are clean and healthy—and always bring a condom
Q8 Does it matter if someone you are with has been incarcerated?
1.Everyone deserves a second chance
2.As long as it wasn’t murder
3.Depends on what for
Q9 Does everyone need a purpose in life?
1.I just want them to be happy
2.Absolutely—or in sincere pursuit
3.As long as it isn’t me
Q10 Do you believe in Happily Ever After?
1.I don’t need to anymore
2.I believe in the pre-nuptial agreements
3.Sure, who doesn’t want that?
Key:
Q 1: 1) 2 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 3 points
Q 2: 1). 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point
Q 3: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points
Q 4: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 5: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point
Q 6: 1) 3 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 2 points
Q 7: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 8: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points
Q 9: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 10: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 1) 1 point
Email your score to info at maryannelive dot com, and we’ll send you the results. Find out if you need an X-termination, need to lay off the cheese, or if you are a cheese connoisseur! (Be sure to include on what site you took the quiz!)
Yet at the reception after the memorial, instead of drowning in her tears (which we would imagine is what most of us would do), she wanted to talk about what a great, loving father and husband he was. How funny and generous he was. How many people’s lives he touched, and how blessed she was to have had twenty years with him. And while yes, her eyes were puffy and blurred with mascara, as sad as she was, she was genuinely grateful and proud to have spent this chapter of her life with such a man. You could feel it was true.
On the ride home tears spilled down my cheeks, as the truth of her words about her husband were also true for me, in a smaller yet significant way. This man has indeed touched my life, his generosity and beautiful spirit has definitely made a difference to me and my family. And then I felt this wave of inspiration fill my heart. A reaffirmation of why I do what I do and do it with such passion. To help people find what my girlfriend found with her beloved husband, however long they were blessed to share that together.
People ask me all the time how to have a great relationship, or if I think they are ready. I usually ask them the same two questions: What do you want, and what are you willing to do about it? Then I direct them to my Relationship Aptitude Test, or RAT, which helps you smell a rat—or find out if you are one. It’s multiple choice. Take your time.
Q 1 When is it okay to date someone who is already in a relationship?
1.Human beings are not monogamous creatures
2. As long as they don’t really want to be with that person
3. I’d rather wait until they are available
Q 2 How long should you wait before you get sexually intimate with someone?
1.It depends on how well I know the person
2.If it feels good, do it
3.Two or three dates, unless it’s love at first sight
Q3 Does it matter how someone’s relationships have ended in the past?
1.Some people just bring out the worst in each other
2.That was then and this is now
3.I am attracted to people who keep their side of the street clean
Q4 Does God matter in a relationship?
1.Not believing in God doesn’t make you a bad person
2.I think it’s key to a relationship to be spiritually compatible
3.To each his own
Q5 When you should bring up marriage or commitment?
1.Be upfront about what you want; you both deserve that
2.You should just go with the flow
3.Not until you’re sure it won’t scare them away
Q6 At what point do you talk about kids or birth control?
1.Love me, love my kids; and know that whatever I do, I am responsible for
2.If you have ‘em, wait to bring them up; if you don’t, wait until they mention it
3.Have a condom and don’t say anything you’ll regret later
Q7 When and how do you talk about STDs?
1.I would assume someone would tell me if they were sick or had some disease
2.ASAP and gracefully
3.You can tell when people are clean and healthy—and always bring a condom
Q8 Does it matter if someone you are with has been incarcerated?
1.Everyone deserves a second chance
2.As long as it wasn’t murder
3.Depends on what for
Q9 Does everyone need a purpose in life?
1.I just want them to be happy
2.Absolutely—or in sincere pursuit
3.As long as it isn’t me
Q10 Do you believe in Happily Ever After?
1.I don’t need to anymore
2.I believe in the pre-nuptial agreements
3.Sure, who doesn’t want that?
Key:
Q 1: 1) 2 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 3 points
Q 2: 1). 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point
Q 3: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points
Q 4: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 5: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point
Q 6: 1) 3 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 2 points
Q 7: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 8: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points
Q 9: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 10: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 1) 1 point
Email your score to info at maryannelive dot com, and we’ll send you the results. Find out if you need an X-termination, need to lay off the cheese, or if you are a cheese connoisseur! (Be sure to include on what site you took the quiz!)
Cotton Candy Bouquets
For Labor Day weekend, I want to share a poem I wrote for my husband. Blessings to everyone!
So many dreams
I mistook them for balloons
Streaming through life
Sweeping up their long curly strings in my hand
Wrapping them tight around my wrist
Pulling them down from the pale blue sky
Like cotton candy bouquets
Whenever I felt the whim
Just because I wanted to
Just because I could
It was so easy then
So much fun
I popped them
Sat on them
Pretended I was pregnant with them, tied them to chairs
Tables, my wrist and even my little brother
Then watched them magically float away
I wondered how high they could go
I wondered how high I could go.
I wondered.
I wanted to play in the clouds
So I tried
I jumped as high as I could off everything
I did back flips in gym class
Did cartwheels on ice
And sought out every trampoline I could find
Until one day I flew off my mother's bed and cracked my head open.
I wanted to fly
So I tried
I swung from the monkey bars with determination and grace
I dared the balance beam with my arms stretched out to the side
I climbed the highest ladders and slid down every slide
Until one day I ran a race and won but was disqualified
I was so excited I had walked back in someone else’s lane
I wanted to Love
And I did
I talked all night until we fell asleep
Kissed until my lips were raw
Made love my very first time and disappeared
Until one day my heart shattered
I watched him drive by that very day with another girl
I wanted to sing ~ Lisa told me my voice was too low
I wanted to be a model ~ Toni told me my nose was too wide
I wanted to act ~ I was afraid I couldn’t remember my lines
I wanted to play music ~ I broke my finger
I wanted to paint ~ Ms Mattis yelled at me because I painted outside the lines
I wanted, I wanted, I .wanted
I wanted everything!
But they told me I had to stop wanting so much
That I wanted to much
That I couldn’t have what I wanted
That you can’t have it all
That I was spoiled and selfish
To quit acting like a child
That life is hard and then you die
That money doesn’t grow on trees
That nobody gave them a break why should they give me one
There are kids starving in Africa- right now.
That it’s a cruel world out there
That your lucky if you have five true friends
That there is only ONE true love
That only 2% of the population will ever be rich
That there it’s us against them
Me against the world
To get over it
That we are going to die in 2012
Who do you think you are? They scorned as I tried to keep wanting.
I didn’t know
So naturally-
I died.
I watched my self fade into the bleak deserted future
My body hardened
My Spirit abandoned
There was nothing left but… play the game
Say yes when you mean no
Be nice to get what you need
Say anything to get what you want
Do anything to get what you can
Take anything you can get
Hang on
Don’t let go
Never say die
Never give in
Never give up
Take the money and run
Bigger is better
Fuck em if they can’t take a joke
I am laughing all the way to the bank
This is mine
That’s mine
These are yours
Those are mine
He’s mine
You’re mine
Wait…
Someone’s coming
He’s coming
Is anyone coming?
Is anyone out there?
And naturally…
I died again
And then one day I cut off my balloons
Me so tired of dying
Me want to live
Me want to celebrate
Me want to perform anyway
Me want to sing anyway
Me want to paint anyway
Me want to play anyway
Me dance ANY WAY
Me vulnerable anyway
Staying open anyway
Heart open anyway
Open anyway
Everyway
Everyday
This day
Right here
Right Now
Finally
At Last…
For my husband David on 1/30/07, and it's just gotten better since then!
September 4, 2009
So many dreams
I mistook them for balloons
Streaming through life
Sweeping up their long curly strings in my hand
Wrapping them tight around my wrist
Pulling them down from the pale blue sky
Like cotton candy bouquets
Whenever I felt the whim
Just because I wanted to
Just because I could
It was so easy then
So much fun
I popped them
Sat on them
Pretended I was pregnant with them, tied them to chairs
Tables, my wrist and even my little brother
Then watched them magically float away
I wondered how high they could go
I wondered how high I could go.
I wondered.
I wanted to play in the clouds
So I tried
I jumped as high as I could off everything
I did back flips in gym class
Did cartwheels on ice
And sought out every trampoline I could find
Until one day I flew off my mother's bed and cracked my head open.
I wanted to fly
So I tried
I swung from the monkey bars with determination and grace
I dared the balance beam with my arms stretched out to the side
I climbed the highest ladders and slid down every slide
Until one day I ran a race and won but was disqualified
I was so excited I had walked back in someone else’s lane
I wanted to Love
And I did
I talked all night until we fell asleep
Kissed until my lips were raw
Made love my very first time and disappeared
Until one day my heart shattered
I watched him drive by that very day with another girl
I wanted to sing ~ Lisa told me my voice was too low
I wanted to be a model ~ Toni told me my nose was too wide
I wanted to act ~ I was afraid I couldn’t remember my lines
I wanted to play music ~ I broke my finger
I wanted to paint ~ Ms Mattis yelled at me because I painted outside the lines
I wanted, I wanted, I .wanted
I wanted everything!
But they told me I had to stop wanting so much
That I wanted to much
That I couldn’t have what I wanted
That you can’t have it all
That I was spoiled and selfish
To quit acting like a child
That life is hard and then you die
That money doesn’t grow on trees
That nobody gave them a break why should they give me one
There are kids starving in Africa- right now.
That it’s a cruel world out there
That your lucky if you have five true friends
That there is only ONE true love
That only 2% of the population will ever be rich
That there it’s us against them
Me against the world
To get over it
That we are going to die in 2012
Who do you think you are? They scorned as I tried to keep wanting.
I didn’t know
So naturally-
I died.
I watched my self fade into the bleak deserted future
My body hardened
My Spirit abandoned
There was nothing left but… play the game
Say yes when you mean no
Be nice to get what you need
Say anything to get what you want
Do anything to get what you can
Take anything you can get
Hang on
Don’t let go
Never say die
Never give in
Never give up
Take the money and run
Bigger is better
Fuck em if they can’t take a joke
I am laughing all the way to the bank
This is mine
That’s mine
These are yours
Those are mine
He’s mine
You’re mine
Wait…
Someone’s coming
He’s coming
Is anyone coming?
Is anyone out there?
And naturally…
I died again
And then one day I cut off my balloons
Me so tired of dying
Me want to live
Me want to celebrate
Me want to perform anyway
Me want to sing anyway
Me want to paint anyway
Me want to play anyway
Me dance ANY WAY
Me vulnerable anyway
Staying open anyway
Heart open anyway
Open anyway
Everyway
Everyday
This day
Right here
Right Now
Finally
At Last…
For my husband David on 1/30/07, and it's just gotten better since then!
September 4, 2009
