Maryanne Comaroto's Blog - Posts Tagged "relationship"

I believe that it's crucial to begin a healthy, fulfilling
relationship with yourself - to understand YOUR likes and dislikes,
YOUR fears and dreams - before trying to share them with another
person. After all, if you don't know much about who you REALLY are ...
what good is that going to be in a relationship?! But ... once you have
headed down that path - when you're primed and equipped with a
relationship tool belt - what's left is the easy part, primarily
because there are men EVEYWHERE. As matter of fact there are approximately 50 million single men in the United States- RIGHT NOW!!

So how do you meet these guys (since you've taken the time to invest
in yourself you, of course, want a guy who's done the same, and not
just any random guy in a bar!) So, here are some of my favorites:

1)Participate in a community dance class. Like the Five Rhythms
dance community (with locations throughout the United sates and world (www.movingcenterschool.com)
Moving your body, mind and spirit in a room filled with as many men as
women is a great place to meet great guys . There’s no alcohol involved
and most of the guys I have met there are on a spiritual path, which in
my book is always a must!! And after class, its especially easy to meet
people, most everyone hooks up for tea or something to eat. Everyone’s
hearts are open and soft. The time is ripe!!!

2)Another place where GREAT guys flock to is a golf tournament,
(which attracts a huge contingent of men!!) One of my favorites is the
AT&T pro am in Monterey California. And there are many others
around the country as well. And the thing I love about the tournaments
climate is that number one, all the spectators are there to enjoy
themselves, so the climates pretty relaxed and civilized I might add.
And the afterwards most everyone heads to an eatery or pub to relax. In
the mean time it's fun to watch the guys watch the game and then when
you’ve spotted a cutie, “Excuse me, uhhmm, I dint know much about golf,
I am here with a friend, what’s a birdie” or if you know your way
around a course, “Oh, he shanked that one…I can't watch. See you on the
green” (you casually whisper in his ear ;)

3)Normally I wouldn’t say a bar…so I won’t. And night clubs are so
loud and dark, you never know what you’re going to get in the light of
day. However there is one place I do recommend and that’s a fundraiser!
And besides what better place to see if a man readily puts his money
where his heart is! Finding a truly generous man is a gift, finding a
guy with a passion for a cause, wow even better. Even if it’s a can of
food at a food drive! It means this person went out of their way to
help make a difference~ And bonus, so can you, while you’re busy
flirting!!

4)All right, here is one of my all-time favorites, that we often
over look. It is The open air farmers market. And the great thing is
you can go alone!! Now they do say don’t s^&* where you eat, but
the good news is you can get food almost everywhere now a days (and if
things get sideways you can always order take out). Okay, so there you
are maybe you’ve seen the guy there before or not. Doesn’t matter. My
favorite sincere line is…”mmm that looks yummy” And viola, you have
made contact and you’re off to the fruit stand together yakking about
the price of strawberries for your smoothie. And remember, a guy who
takes care to put good things in his body, is more likely to take care
of other parts of his life, like a healthy relationship!

5)And my latest favorite place is a comedy club ~ They are fun and
usually attract people with great senses of humor. Here in Nor cal we
have a great comedy club called the Throckmorton. Dana Carvey and
Robin Williams live in town so they randomly show up and make you laugh
so hard you think you might cough up your stomach. Okay so maybe that’s
not attractive but here's what is: during the intermission people get
up a mill about, perfect time for some flirty comedy review. Who
doesn’t love a man with a great sense of humor!!

6)And last on my list, while it may be intimidating, is a symposium
or festival. Yep. And really fun too. You get to be around things that
interest you which is a great way to meet other people that are into
what you are. Compatibility is even more important the longer you are
in any relationship!! And part of that includes sharing things in
common. So pick out an event that actually interests you, like The
Health and Harmony festival held in California, or a writers conference
held on Maui every year or a science fair or Social Network symposium
or a Money Summit~ There are tons of them going on all of the time. And
yes, you can absolutely go alone!! Then once inside there are so many
ways to practice your inner-viewing skills. You may even just
try…”Hello!” For most men, that’s all they need, a foot in the door!!

for more info, check out http://maryannelive.com

Do you ever feel like relationships are 2 parts game, 1 part luck? Or maybe you are at the point where it feels like ALL game to you…and you’re all gamed out? Maybe you just wish it could be like in the movies, a little: boy meets girl, some witty banter, your souls become one, you get married and live happily ever after. Or a more modern version: you meet in re-hab, you have both seen the light, you put your pasts behind you, your souls become one, you get pregnant, move in together, get married, then divorced, but are still really good friends and live semi-happily ever after because your new girlfriend likes your kid and your ex has a better job than you so she didn’t sue for alimony? Or maybe you just suck at relationships and figure this is as good as it gets.

And have you noticed that everyone who has ever been in a relationship is suddenly a relationship expert, coach or guru du jour? Poised and ready to pounce on your temporary lack of clarity or latest relationship disaster, ready to tell you how to get your game back, TODAY, or, if not, for sure in a few weeks! Yeah, ‘cause that’s realistic, right? Rome was built in a day and God created the heavens and earth in what…7 days, right? So…anything’s possible!

I guess it depends on what your idea of a great relationship is:
A) Better than my last one
B) Someone who completes me
C) Right now, just someone (I really don’t want to be alone)

Hmmm. Like this, you’re most likely, according to statistics, to get into a relationship that will ultimately be just like your last one. Another boy meets girl, they get hot for each other, lay on the seduction routine, spend the next three months to ten years finding out who each other really is and then end the relationship, at minimum terribly disappointed or feeling completely ripped off! In case you didn’t know, there is an alternative to the ever-popular collective urge-to-merge nightmare.

Like so many of us, I had gone from one relationship to another, measuring my growth each time in terms of things like: Well, this one’s not an alcoholic, or at least this one’s not a sexual deviant, or whew! this one doesn’t do drugs, or at least he’s loyal, or not addicted to porn—and on the rationalizations went until finally I decided there had to be another way. And I jumped ship; the scenic route to relationship enlightenment was about killing me. The first few lessons I learned set in motion a body of work that I live and teach to this day!

First: I decided that chemistry is an indicator of…chemistry and THAT’S all. That’s where Darwin and I parted ways; I was going with the theory that the rest of our brain is there for a reason. Therefore I was determined to use it, rather than fall prey to the old brain story that a penis has a mind of its own, yadda yadda, etc., etc. Yeah, I did the math on that and noticed I almost always lost when I made decisions based solely on chemistry—NEXT!

Second: Oh, Dr. Phil will love this. Yes, Dr. Phil, we teach people how to treat us. So I got responsible. I went a step further and found physics laws to substantiate the fact, added some neural loop studies to support how to undo or override our early programming, and a few basic Buddhist principles, and birthed my unique recipe for becoming and remaining internally focused, which is the foundation of my daily SHOMI© Method practice. Part of my 7 Essential Truths™, How to Wake up and Stay Awake program.

And third: I sought and found the one thing I had searched for, longed for my entire adult life—a great relationship with myself. Like so many, I had believed (or hoped) that when I found my soulmate I would live happily ever after. Until I realized that my soulmate was me. And that’s when my life changed forever!

Now this may come as a shock to some of you, but having a GREAT relationship involves NO TRICKS, NO GIMMICKS. Rather, generally speaking, it involves: feeling and healing copious amounts of historical pain (some of which you may have currently blocked out); knowing who you are and what you want; possessing effective communication skills and a large amount of discernment; having a daily self-care practice; and, oh yeah, the ability to give yourself everything you want from another person. (You need a real track record of doing all this VS simply having good intentions of all of the above). These skills, by the way, are fundamental to your relationship tool belt.

What I have learned after 28 years on a path of self-discovery and over 25 years working in the personal development industry is that there is a dream that some folks get lucky, the right one comes along and, yes, they live happily ever after. (I have met, uh, no one that falls into this category.) For most of us, if we want the good stuff (and I certainly did) it was about getting real, then realistic and figuring out a plan for how I was going to be successful in this area of my life. I mean, come on—most of go to school for years preparing ourselves to go out and be successful at whatever we want to be successful at, and even then, it escapes so many of us. Imagine trying to run a business without a plan! Can you? Is it a great idea? Not really! 98% of most new business fail within the first 5 years. Mostly because having a good idea is not enough, just like chemistry is not enough or thinking someone is hot, or sexy or looks good or is nice—it’s just not enough to create and maintain a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship! So, what is enough? Honestly, I always say, it takes everything you’ve got! Did for me. And it’s been worth it!

Can you remember the last time you prayed really hard for something? Like, “Please, God, let me get my period (or not)…Please God, let me hear a yes from that client TODAY…Pleeeeze God, let that apartment manager pick me, let my check clear, let them not evict me this month. Please God, let me get the part, the job, pass my exam, drug test. Or…Pleeeze God, let him/her be the one!!”

I can remember once praying so hard that I really believed the wince on my face would get me to the front of God’s “To Do” list! Boy, I really wanted this thing pretty bad. In this case (there were many), I was fifteen and wanted this particular boy to love me. And when I say pray, I prayed, sister. I squeezed my hands together like an olive press, sent my spirit right out of my body on a one-way mission to plea with God, hoping to make God an offer He couldn’t refuse in the hopes that He would grant me this one last wish. (At least, that’s what I told myself.) And then I waited for a sign. I was sitting on my waterbed staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep, when I spied a small spider creeping across the wall. Oh, oh…a spider…it’s a sign, I thought. Okay, okay…if the spider moves to the right, it means…uhhhh, that, yeah, it means that it’s the right guy for me. That’s it!!! I was delighted with myself for interpreting this spiritual hallmark. Until, of course the spider moved due east. I crinkled my nose and cocked my head to the left to make sure I saw what I saw. That’s okay, (my little heart sank) I mean he’s probably just…ya know, getting ready to go right and oh, wait I know, for him it is right, I am upside down, I mean where he is on the ceiling, that is right. I knew my half-hearted attempt was just that, a way to comfort myself and soften the blow; that God sent this messenger spider to tell me…uh uh, nope. He’s not the one.

Then after a few minutes I thought, Now, wait a second, that’s dumb, come on! I made that up! It wasn’t a sign, ha. That was just my idea! Then, shaking my head, nestled into my pillow and listened to the ripples of the water beneath me, lulling me as I began to nod off to sleep, hoping my dreams of Happily Ever After were not far off.

Turn out, THANK GOD, this boy was not to be the one after all. Not him, nor the dozens of others I had crushes on from kindergarten onwards. Of course, I can say that NOW. In hindsight, yet, interestingly and more to the point, I seemed so sure about what I wanted. On each occasion I would kneel and beg (or pray, if you will) God, that this person, place or thing, would be the thing that would make my life complete, that would make me Happy Ever After!!

I still fall for that sometimes, “that” being that the something that I just have to have, the experience that if only it worked out would be the thing that would make things better. Invariably, for me, when I get stuck in this incredibly unproductive and anxiety-provoking mind game, it is a clue I am on the wrong path. How do I know this? Because, I do believe in God, the Divine, and believe that we all have a destiny to fulfill and that when we get out of our own way (in my vast experience of having been in and out of my own way) it flows better 100% of the time, producing results that I always ultimately prefer and that contribute to my health and wellness as well as to those around me (another clue that you’re on the “right” path). When I slow down, I realize again (sometimes for the hundred-thousandth time) that true and real love has no shelf life, that I am always okay regardless of what’s happening around me, and that the only prayers I need to pray are to offer gratitude, blessings for those who suffer and for guidance, which God surely and frequently gives when we actually want to hear it. This has for many years been a proven method for me of how to stay awake on my path and how I created the relationship of my dreams!

The list is long of the things we have all done to find, get and keep love in our life. Abandoning our authentic selves to become some variety of whomever you want me to be ranks among the top few. At some point we learned this was a good idea; probably the same place we all learned a version of this, from our parents, who learned from theirs, and so on. We are imprinted with the belief that love has to be earned—or, at minimum, looks a certain way. (IE. I do this or that and then you’ll love me.) Dr. Helen Fisher, whom I greatly esteem, calls this your love map.

I, too, strongly recommend that you know what your relationship pattern or map looks like. Intimately! Otherwise you end up falling victim to the unconscious loop that most of us repeat over and over, and NOT in a good way. Your pattern may look like: you always attract people who cheat, are narcissists, are abusive, have no drive, are alcoholic or addicted to pornography, or perhaps they just can’t seem to tell the truth about anything (especially when it comes to where they have been and who with); maybe they are blamers, have anger problems or won’t commit. And no matter what you do, it seems, oops there I go again, I attracted another (fill in the blank). Whatever your love map looks like (my latest book, Hindsight, offers you a great exercise on how to identify your love patterns) there is hope. And something we can do about it.

Making the distinction between who I am being (my persona or inauthentic self) and my true self (or authentic self) is the first step in the process of awakening, which leads to the eventual shift from unconsciously and reflexively choosing the same type of relationship over and over again. For me this was part of a larger portal through which I passed and left what wasn’t working (and who) behind for a more authentic life filled with great freedom of being. This portal, I call becoming internally referenced—making the distinction between who you are and who you are not—and it’s absolutely fundamental to having a great relationship. It also happens to be one of the tools I teach in my CORR® certification program.

Over the last 25 years of working in the personal development industry I have learned some amazing things, some absolutely life-altering truths that have become creed because they were ultimately irrefutable (true whether or not I believed them).

And few rival my understanding of what love is NOT:
Chemistry is not love. Chemistry is…well…chemistry.
Desire is not love. Hmmm, yeah, it’s more like being addicted to the feeling of wanting something you can’t have, so you set yourself up again and again to feel it! Desire junkies salute!
Longing, nope, not love! Too many Cinderella or Pretty Woman episodes.
Feeling lovesick, uh uh, NOT. Smacks of love map laced with abandonment issues.
Infatuation, often confused with love, is a strong psychological projection onto the love object.
Lust, hmmm, a biological function designed to procreate. (Period.)
Abuse, definitely NOT. Usually a direct connection to our low- or no-self-esteem!
Neglect, no, not love either. There’s always time for some loving exchange!
Indifference. Ouch. Nope. Not likely. More likely booty call, or they’re just not into you at all!

For me, making this/these distinctions saved me a whole hellavalotta heart ache. I learned to make better choices and found that I respected myself even more when I focused on what was real and authentic about myself, rather than focusing on trying to figure out who you wanted or needed me to be. At first, like with many things, I had a tough time believing this was true and still find I can get caught in that trap. But overall, this awareness makes it possible for us to attract and create a healthy, loving relationship rather than one based on deserve and reward~

And if you want to get really deep, my husband often reminds me that the English language has but one word for love (with 9 definitions, by the way). We have come up with our own definition (vigilant seekers of truth that we would like to think we are). We consider Love a gift, a conscious choice we make to behave with respect, patience, understanding and compassion with ourselves and towards another human being. It’s a way to behave from, and includes the concept that love bestowed need not be earned nor returned but rather wants only that which the other wants for him or her own self! Once you have a taste of the real thing, it’s hard to go back!!!

Oh yeah, one of my favorite topics. The “kick it to the curb, eat ya up and spit ya out, get in, get on, get out,” craze. It feels soooo.. .what’s the word? How about “effing painful.” Well, it can be truly painful if you haven’t learned one of two things: the technique of shutting your own feelings off, or how to spot folks who don’t know how to be intimate and step aside. I have done both, and have much to say on this particular growing cultural psychological phenomenon.
What are you saying, we throw people away?
Yeah. Kinda. The way I see it, relationships have officially become part of our disposable culture: Like diapers, we toss marriages, engagements, friendships, business partnerships, boyfriends, girlfriends, mothers, fathers, children—I’ve even seen Grandmas cut off all ties with their shnuggly little grandbabies. Poof, wad ‘em up, toss ‘em, they are…GONE. What the…?
All it takes sometimes is one sentence, maybe even one word. Then we take our toys and split. Like little babies. Waaah. We have bred a culture filled with people who don’t know how to stay when they don’t get their way. Folks who haven’t bothered to learn or aren’t capable of learning how to be intimate. Or how to stay! Yes, I have been guilty of this myself. We probably all have; things get hot or don’t go as planned, we leave. The problem is, now that’s the norm, and frankly, if we want to be intimate, there is only one thing to do~ grow up!
You might recognize some of these inner modern-day archetypes:
1)The Sociopathippa ~ You don’t do it for me anymore. Doesn’t matter if you meant what you said or that God heard you say it, “until death do us part.” Or, “I will never leave you.” You simply don’t mean it anymore, too bad for you that you believed me, that is now your problem. Those of us who fall into this category (or have) say things like “I meant it at the time, I’m not the same person anymore, I was young”; the modern-day out-clauses for loss of integrity. These people reinforce the idea that the spoken word can now be considered metaphor and that if you take it otherwise, it’s your problem.
2)The Narcissoli~ We want to be free…I gotta be me… This usually happens when people lead with fake, the routine they use to get into or lure you into a relationship. Then they become resentful or feel trapped when you actually think that’s who they are and then they freak and have to leave. Especially when you ask what happened to the person you fell in love with. Ya know, the gal who wanted sex all the time, or the guy who used to be so romantic and open my door. Now, I have a headache or you become invisible. Bye bye!
3)Bipolaraus~ I want you to think I mean what I say, but I only mean it when I feel like it; Got that? This is the crazy-maker scenario. People who on a good day really do mean what they say until, maybe tomorrow, when they don’t. And it’s your job to figure that out. They differ from the “You don’t do it for me anymore” folks because they have less stick-to- it-iveness. These folks show their colors pretty quick. If you like funhouses you probably will love this kind of relationship; you never know what you’re going to get!
4)Neurotica (o)~ The energy junkies, suckers, vultures and vampires. They give to get, they love you and instantly want to be your best friend, can’t do enough for you and give and give and then they’re gone. AND when they see you they act like they don’t know you. Bizarre? But so true. It’s that they don’t know how to say NO, so they just leave. These folks mean well, they’re just well…neurotical!!!
Most relationships are fragile when approached from our wounds. That’s all. So we don’t have to get mad, sad or even. We just might want to pay attention! Compassion is the rule of thumb. How many of us fall slightly into one category or another. (My hand’s up.) And keep in mind, most of us want to be in healthy relationships, just that many of us don’t know how. I try and stay close to the folks who know how, keep on my path of learning and growing so I can stay in that circle myself, and then try and have compassion for folks who haven’t figured this out yet.
And while some of us crave someone to call us on our crap, keep in mind folks who are deep in unconsciousness might not feel the same. A seeker of truth looks for reflection; they understand that great relationships begin within, and can tell the difference between someone’s projection and an opportunity to explore themselves again.
Shutting down
My mom used to say, “Hurt people hurt people.” Made sense to me. Somewhere in our childhoods, most likely, we decide what we don’t like and make a decision to not put ourselves in that situation again. The problem is, this reinforces being externally referenced, i.e. I experience life from the outside in. Therefore and thus, that person made me feel, whatever. So then I pick and choose my experiences (or so I believe) based on that person’s likelihood to hurt me or not. The alternative? I say, be responsible, have a daily practice of self-inquiry, try to stay awake and learn discernment, the ability to see and feel where other folks are on their journey as it relates to your reality, and continue to seek folks who have relationship skills and know how to use them!
Having said this, I still have teased out some legitimate reasons to change the form of a relationship sooner rather than later:
Some abruptly...
Someone is physically abusive (one or more times)
Someone is a pathological liar ( incapable of telling the truth)
Someone is putting themselves or you in actual danger
Then I have found some other reasons that warrant departure, after much consideration and attempts to reconcile (or at least part amicably)…
Someone was unable or unwilling to communicate responsibly
Someone was incapable or unwilling to keep their agreements
Someone was repeatedly unwilling or incapable of seeing their part in the relationship
Someone partook in addictive behavior that created an unhealthy or unsafe environment (either emotionally or physically)
Someone’s psychological needs became paramount and needed attention beyond the scope of either partner
Someone’s behavior was constantly contradictory to the arrangements and agreements (implied or otherwise) set forth in the partnership
You are absolutely convinced, based on careful observation and counsel, that regardless of what this person says or does you simply do not share the same reality, and are therefore left to accept that the chasm is too great to create real intimacy

Take care of yourself. Like I always say, great relationships begin within!

The other day I was headed to a yoga class. I noticed that my watch and the clock in my car were 10 minutes apart, which meant that if my watch was right I might be late, which meant I might not find a place to park, lay my mat in my favorite spot by the door, or even get in class. So what did I do? What any good American chasing the American dream going to a yoga class would do, I sped up! Just a tad, though, because I actually took care to think through the idea of how ironic (or ridiculous) it would be to get a speeding ticket on the way to yoga class.

When I turned into the parking lot (on two wheels) I could see several people covertly dashing from their cars, which meant my watch was right. The sight of them all racing sent a reflexive primal release of adrenaline that I could almost feel drip from my adrenal cortex and on down through directly to my extremities. Like somebody pulled the trigger and shot me out of the barrel. Okay-okay, where’s my yoga mat… should I grab my purse or leave it in the trunk? Well, that’s stupid, what if someone breaks into the car? Take it… duh. And okay, well, where ..? I looked up from my flurry of gun powder only to see three more people scuffling by me. Great! Just take the mat and let’s go, Maryanne! I headed for the studio like a restrained dart, careful not to appear desperate— it just wouldn’t be yogi-like.

As I was about to hop/leap up onto the curb, two people were closing in on me. They were not exactly running but may as well have been; the intensity of their vibe was like a fleet of wild stallions, which sent an additional flush—this time of fury—through my body-mind-spirit. And then out of nowhere, in sudden revolt, I stopped dead in my tracks and blurted out “I refuse-to rush-into a YO-GA class!” Which came out more like a declaration (and a surprise) rather than a blurt.

One of the three bi-athletes that pretended not to run by me (as though her Prana hoodie, Om tattoo and flipflops were competitive camouflage), hesitated for a brief second, quickly determined I didn’t have turrets and that she was not in danger, then hastened towards the door. The other two glanced back at me, arching their eye brows like “What-ever,” while another gal who had just come up on my heels slowed her pace slightly and whispered sweetly as she crept by, “You’re exactly right,” then purposefully slipped in front of me so she could get in the door first.
Still viscerally perplexed by my outburst, I noticed I was secretly happy none of the other people who had beat me to it were in my class. I took the Level One. They were probably in the Level Five or Ten class, or whichever one is for more advanced people. I still have trouble with the names of the poses, I am new.

Even so I was comforted in knowing that in three minutes or less, after a gentle invitation back to the present moment, I would all but have forgotten my angst, as I would be tied in knots while trying simultaneously to breathe deeply—which seemed to me an oxymoron (which about sums up how I felt about my abilities as an aspiring yogini as well).

Thank God for Savasana. I had forgotten about the stampede, but chalking it up to another of life’s current conundrums just wasn’t going to cut it. I could still feel the afterburn of the disparaging culture we have become, a people obviously wearied by the chase after the American dream, trampled again and again by the rat race, worn by the urgency of survival (real or imagined), and mocked at every turn by someone who has done it better than we have (who is also thinner and better looking) running to yoga class as though life depended on it, pretending we don’t care. And frankly, that bothered me.

Gimme a B~

Normally my bullsh#@* detector is a long-range internal mechanism designed to see things for what they are; this, however, was a new animal, a hybrid. This kind of BS was new and improved. Once upon a time the cons were the cons, the preppies, the junkies, the snobs, the geeks, the jocks, the bullies, the hussies, and so on. You could spot these personas a mile away. Now the ego has gotten so divisive, and with the help of high tech it can hide behind a cacophony of razzle dazzle, words, sweet smoke and mirrors galore. A veritable “pig in shit” for the ego.

Suddenly it’s a free-for-all. We can say anything, be anything we want, as long as we have a web site or a facebook page, we’re legit. As long as we say the right thing, it doesn’t matter what our behavior is. It does not matter that people are not who they say they are, as long as they get what they want. It’s become “the way it is.” And if thou art not hep to this next line of con you best get hep or be trampled.
I think Milly Vanilly started it.

You can be a singer who has no voice, famous and have no talent (unless of course you flashed your vag on the internet—if you can consider this a talent), a guru who has sex with prostitutes, a cop who beats his wife, a pharmaceutical company that promotes addiction, a yogini who thinks peace is something that we’re fighting for in other countries, and even a relationship expert who has a shitty relationship. You can be a parent who doesn’t like kids, a husband who doesn’t believe in marriage, or what the hey—a U.S. president who doesn’t understand the English language.

Let me just say you are not alone in your confusion. These are no doubt confusing times! Things are not as they appear. Recently I read that Michelle Pfeiffer is afraid to go to the beach because she doesn’t want to see a picture of her cellulite splashed across the headlines. You probably thought, Ohh, a skinny little thing like that is perfect. Who knew, she has cellulite? And that it seems she herself is invested in you believing she doesn’t.

Just like those of us who jam our faces up with needles and starve ourselves because we don’t want life to be the way it is.

And you, like me, like the rest of us, fall victim to the vortex, the “say one thing, do another” culture. The proverbial duck above water whose feet are furiously paddling to stay afloat.

We are creatures addicted to the veneer, Bulls addicted to the sh#@*. Hurry up, rush, rush, rush, get mine now or it will be gone, that this is my last chance, there’s no more, if I don’t act now EVERYTHING will be gone, I won’t get my spot or my turn, if I don’t do whatever someone else will—covered up by fake smiles, deals you can’t afford to miss, false promises, fake orgasms, false pretenses, or worse; false intentions.

We say we want to help, but what we don’t say is that we want to help ourselves. We say we want peace…yet we will trample the guy at Wal-Mart to get our 60% off, or free whatever, before the other guy gets it. My current fantasy (not sexy but hey) is wondering what it, life, us, would be like in the absence of fake?
As for the S, my guess is being in survival mode according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs drives most of us and is responsible for what compels most of our unconscious, sh#@*y, fake behavior. Apparently what the last fifty years has taught us is that fake is the new real; when we have the rent paid then comes safety; if we have any energy left over from playing the game of satisfying our psychological needs and if we are among the eccentric few who make time, the last is self-actualization. Peak, or what I prefer to call spiritual experiences, are reserved for folks who apparently have time on their hands or just don’t get it the necessity for all the rest.

The bummer is that spirit is EXACTLY what we need right now. It’s our survival, old-brain, unconscious, dog-eat-dog, survival-of-the-fittest mentality that is killing us, or at least it’s trying to kill our spirit.

I was at one of my favorite local restaurants this past weekend, picking up Chinese chicken salads and to-die-for cupcakes. While I was waiting for the cashier to pack everything up, I noticed two really cute little kids. This man, this, this…well-dressed man in a very expensive suit was perched like a penguin at a table with his two darling children, it appeared doing his college best to try and talk to his kids, who looked like they were on Prozac.

I thought, ohhhh, how nice , a dad, with his kids,…(okay, yeah, I am a sucker, that’s all it takes for me to well up, the mere sight of a dad on his own with the kids.) This guy was talking non-stop about something, blabbing on and on in the general direction of his kids, yet upon closer inspection I noticed the little girl sitting quietly twirling the end of a clump of her shiny golden locks, staring off in the distance, while her brother listlessly poked at the metal holes in the chair in a half-hearted attempt to play a game he had just made up. Clearly this was no company for Socratic dialogue, but still, there was no connect at all.

I thought, hmmm. Is he scolding them? Then I saw him laugh. No, that’s not it. Are they just to young to understand what he’s talking to them about, I mean maybe he’s talking to them about things they aren’t interested in, like politics or math …
The cashier interrupted my rich little fantasy and suggested I might want to pay now; the line behind me had gotten pretty long. I had almost forgotten what I was doing, I was so engrossed. I handed her my debit card and then looked back over, hoping to find a new clue and once and for all get to the bottom of this curiosity.

Nope, same guy, same scene except…wait…a minute. And then I had a flash of genius (Okay…but it was definitely some kind of flash). Oh, no… is that guy?...Could he be? No… I squinted my eyes, looked closely across the room, and zeroed in on his ear reflected in the mirror, and sure enough…I swear, had it not been for my mother’s imperative I would have shouted “OH MY GOD, HE’S ON THE PHONE!!” I gasped instead. That whole time, instead of trying to do what I naively gave him credit for, almost shed a tear over, he was on the f-ing phone.

Now everything made sense. Now I saw why these kids looked like they were in a dead zone. Oh, the judgments flew, and they were flying everywhere. It was like a judgment storm inside of me!!! And you’re right; I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. I was way beyond giving this guy the benefit of the doubt. Fine, I relented. I didn’t know why this guy was on the phone, or why his kids looked drugged. And is it any of my business? Some would say no, some would say it takes a village.

I see it so much now, parents—hell, people of all ages—who are with each other but not where they are, obviously wanting to connect, but not present to being connected. I watch young kids’ digits manipulate with their opposables, texting like fiends, like junkies, while in the car, while driving the car, parking, talking, walking, riding bikes, skateboards, eating in restaurants. It’s like we should all have the friggin’ phones surgically attached to our bodies! OR—how about, hang up the bloody phone once and a while?

For now I would settle for a modicum of respect and responsibility. Like:

1)If you are driving in the presence of other human beings, hang up the phone—you are putting them in danger. At least, use the speaker. You wanna kill yourself, that’s your decision. The rest of us want to live.

2)If you have children and feel burdened by their presence and wish they were not with you, get help, give them up for adoption, or at least try and talk to people you care about less than them during business hours or when they’re sleeping. Kids need, attention, respect, to feel safe and to have enlightened witness to see them!

3)Basically pay attention to where you are and the effect you may be having on other people. If it seems rude, it probably is. Just walk outside or keep your voice down. Manners are how we show each other respect!

Look, I am no angel, and I do have a phone. But I try like the dickens to be sensitive. Like when I cross the street and someone stops to let me go, I wave, Hey, thanks!; or when someone has one item and I have 90, I say “Go ahead”; and when I am on the phone and with someone else I try and remember this person’s life and time is precious, maybe I should act like it, so I hang up! Lately, every Friday I try and leave my phone at home for several hours, practicing what it was like when people had to wait. I highly recommend it ;)

A very attractive single mom recently told me this story: She had met a man and felt sure he was the man of her dreams. There was a synchronicity about their meeting she could not ignore; the chemistry was electric and the sex, she said, was the best she had ever had—in her life, I might add. It had to be love, she gushed!

But she had a question for me. “What do you think this means? The other day I emailed him after we made love to tell him I could still smell him, that my body was actually still shaking and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I told him that he had moved me so much, and I just wanted him to know how special he was, and how overjoyed my daughter and I are to have him in our lives. He never responded, and when we saw each other a few days later, after only one rather distant phone call in between, I asked him if he had received it. He said, ‘Look, I am not interested in your theatrics.’ and changed the subject.”

This woman looked at me, tears spilling over as she visibly held in her stomach, knowing the answer to her own question. That she got intimate before she knew who this man was and what he wanted—and more, she herself still believed that chemistry is love. Bottom line, his behavior was cruel, and she had made herself and her daughter vulnerable before they had taken care to find out if this man was capable of, or willing to, honor and respect her/them. When I asked her what the secret password for her sacred self was—you know, what a guy has to say to get you to have sex with him—she thought about it and said, “He didn’t say anything, I told myself I have never felt this way before!” and let her tears spill down her cheeks.

Listen up, ladies! We have top-secret codes and passwords for everything: our ATM and credit cards, our email, the alarms at our home and office, our lockers at the gym, for online banking, to get into our cars. I even had to know the secret password to get into my brothers’ silly club when I was a kid. We don’t have a password to get into our pants? And why not? Most of us spend more time trying to outsmart potential identity thieves than protecting our most private, sacred selves and hearts.

We’ll spend more time pecking at the computer trying to come up with a strong enough password to fend off identity thieves than we will interviewing a potential partner. Are we that desperate? What are we are going to get if we don’t take care to lock down our sacred selves until we identify a partner capable of mutual respect, care and a capacity for intimacy and love? Until we learn to hold out, respect ourselves and select someone who WANTS what we want and is available? We will likely get someone who will break our hearts, dispose of us if they become bored, take our retirement funds, give us a STD, beat us, emotionally abuse us, ignore or neglect us, or just be a poor choice overall.

At least considering having some kind of entry code for your private parts is in order, given all that is at stake! While you’re at it, take some time to decide what your secret code is, your password for love, and tattoo it on your body—or at least keep it in a safe place, one you can’t forget. You ARE SO WORTH IT!

My most recent post was about a story I heard from a friend that prompted me to encourage everyone to create a “password” for themselves and put it in place before having sex. To recap: my single mom friend told me that after having sex with a guy she had been seeing, she emailed him to tell him how much he meant to her. He didn't respond, and when they saw each other next time, he told her he wasn't interested in her “theatrics.” My friend knew the problem she had gotten herself into – she had confused chemistry with love and gotten too intimate too quickly.

So what does it mean to have a “password” for your sexual life? Here are some ideas – in varying forms of strength:

Here are some very low-strength passwords:
What’s your number?
You look like my future!
Can I buy you a drink?
You turn me on so much!
I can’t stop thinking about you…
I want you!
Can I come up?
Maybe I’ll call you sometime… (said after first date)
‘Night, darling…He calls you before he goes to bed (but are you the only one he’s calling?)

All of the above one-liners are designed to get you in the sack: for every genuine guy, 99.9% of millions of others want to break your code and see how fast they can do it. Especially a guy who doesn’t want a relationship. Which, by the way, should be your first question (given the statistics, the odds of him telling the truth are slim to none if he thinks you’ll hop in the sack sooner rather than later).

Medium strength

I have never felt this way before!
We’ve been on three dates, come on!
You make me so hot, why would you deny yourself?
My friends all like you.
I am a great guy.
I love you (exclusively when said while naked)

These are common and compelling scenarios, but none of them are real indicators of anything that takes much effort on his part. The three-date rule is ridiculous, and if you fall for it, you lose. For gals, collecting notches on your bedpost isn’t anything to feel good about unless you work at a dude ranch. Have some self-respect and don’t be an idiot. Know who you’re with. Slow down and get some more details and experience with this person. Plenty of time for all-nighters later!

“I love you!” Heck, how many times have you told someone you just met in the ladies room after a few cocktails that you love them? We throw that phrase around like a rag doll these days. Don’t confuse it for the real thing, if that’s what you really want; a genuine reflection of caring and respect. About shacking up: in today’s economy, maybe it will take a load off him emotionally and financially to have a live-in booty call who helps pay rent.

Strong:

I don’t want to see anyone else but you. (and some time has proven this)
I know who I am and what I want.
I think we make a great team!
Move in with me. (no commitment other than this)
I want to share my life with you.
Spend your life with me.
Marry me.

Okay, Ideally these words would be a precursor for sexual intimacy. Why? Because I have been witness to what happens when we don’t slow down and check out the goods. What I am saying is, slow down. Wait. Take the relationship for a test drive. Gather all your information. History tells us that when we don’t, we are setting ourselves up for trouble. It’s not a theory, it’s a fact!

Look at your relationship history and you will see that hindsight serves you. Take care to learn from those choices and have a plan so you are less inclined to make them again. A man who knows he wants to be with you is different from a man who wants you—take note. A man who wants to shack up is different from a man who wants to share his life with you. Pay attention! A man who puts a ring on your finger is more likely to love, honor and respect you, as he believes in the sacred agreement of marriage (and you know his track record there because you’ve done your other homework), and so on. These distinctions often take time to make—again, you are worth the effort and time, and there is plenty of time for sex!

What if I told you you’re perfect exactly as you are? Would you believe me? How could I know if you were perfect, you wonder? I have never even seen you. I don’t know what you look like, how big your nose is, what kind of job you have, how much you weigh, if you have stretch marks or cellulite, how much money you have in your bank account, what kind of car you drive or clothes you wear, if you have scars, fake hair, or what other people think about you.

What if I told you there is one diet you could go on that would help build your self-esteem and miraculously make you feel better about who you are and what you have? Make you feel more attractive, loveable, capable and worthy? Could lessen depression and malaise and make you feel special and unique, could help you focus better, achieve your goals, and even give you more time to pursue your dreams. Would you believe me?

My girlfriends and I would spend many a summer day with our bodies slathered in Bain de Soliel (or baby oil if we couldn’t afford that), our faces buried in Cosmo or Vogue, ogling and studying our role models; the emaciated rich. Believing what we saw was real, closing the magazines feeling imperfect and fat yet determined to figure out how to get what they had. A life other than our own. It seemed possible. Why shouldn’t we trust what we saw? It was everywhere; skinny, happy, rich people who wore designer clothes and had passionate relationships.

Little did we know there was a group of people who had concocted it all, a select group of sleazy, greedy, very clever soul-sucking vampires who day in and day out preyed on people just like us. The naïve, trusting, sheep who conveniently, thanks to other patriarchal mandates that were in place, had low self-esteem and had not yet learned to question authority. These few had gathered together like rats near a feast, wringing their hands, salivating at the opportunity to prosper at our vulnerability. Evil at its finest. Make them think they can have it, dangle it in front of them at every turn. Lure them with the airbrushed, fake and impossible—and the stupid, fat and poor will gobble it up like the pathetic peasants they are and we will get rich! Bwa ha ha, Ah ah (insert wicked laughter).

At age 14 I realized that every time I turned on the TV or opened a magazine, afterwards I felt bad about myself, however subtly. The net effect was, I was being hoodwinked or lured to believe I should be, better, cooler, prettier, skinner; something other than me. Interesting how some things never change. But I can – and here was the solution I came up with.

The Ultimate Cleanse:

The bad news may be that the soul suckers lured you in, they sold it, you bought it and you, too, are addicted to being externally referenced. The good news is: The jig is up. Yes, it’s all a big lie. But there is a cure and it’s as simple as, 1-2-3.

1)Turn off your idiot box (TV)

2)Don’t buy any more rags (trash or fashion magazines)

3)Stop paying attention to what other people are doing and focus on yourself!

Let’s fill this out a little.

1)TV is one gigantic infomercial designed to make you feel bad about yourself and to keep you stupid. The average person, according to my friend Robert Mack in his book Happiness from the Inside Out, spends an extra $400 for every hour spent watching television. And the average American watches 30 hours of TV per week, that’s a lotta moolah! 12 grand, ouch!

2)And magazines are filled with celebrities (people who make a living PRETENDING to be other people) and models (people who are starving themselves to look like people that don’t actually exist) who are posers prostituting themselves so they can pay their own mortgages at your expense. They don’t buy those things they’re wearing and using! They are given them by the manufacturers. Why? Because they know we are desperate to have this fake life (which DOES NOT EXIST, by the way), and we will do or buy anything hoping to make ourselves feel better by being or having whatever the celebrities are advertising. Thus programming you to believe you are NOT enough or perfect as you are!

3)Keep your eye on your own ball. If you don’t have a life purpose—then get one. Now. Spending your time looking outside yourself is the surest way to feel bad about yourself. Stop comparing someone’s life to yours, and you will have more time in your day and instantly feel better, because you won’t be comparing yourself to anything outside yourself! It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing, there will always be someone somewhere who is smarter, faster, stronger, prettier, skinnier or richer than you. Who cares? Why do you actually care what Brad Pitt is doing? I can assure you he doesn’t care what you’re doing, because he is busy living his own life.

Being internally referenced is the foundation for all my work. That, and a solid relationship with spirit and your inner divine guidance, and you are all set. You already have everything you need; you have been give the greatest gift of all and it’s staring you right in the face. YOU. What you are is your gift from God! What you make of yourself is your gift back! Jim Rohn, a well-known motivational speaker, once gave me this advice: “Stop building someone else dream!” And I say to you, turn off the TV and shut out the media vultures. Stop taking the bait! Build your own dreams. I promise, you will be glad you did! Your own life is precious and very real. And you are indeed PERFECT as you are.

Try the ultimate cleanse for a month. You will feel better, be more focused, have more time, and be all that closer to turning your heart’s greatest desire into REALITY! It’s not easy, absolutely, but definitely worth the effort—anything worth having is!!!