Maryanne Comaroto's Blog - Posts Tagged "relationships"
Self-Help: too much of a good thing?!
What a flipping fantastic question! When I was 33 years old I asked myself that very same question!! My library at the time brimmed with enough self-esteem-building, spirit-lifting, relationship-advising, co-dependent, neurotic, feminist, esoteric, astrological, paleontological, philosophical paradigms and relief to diagnose and heal several galaxies. From the esoteric: psychics, tarot readers, trance channels, holographic re-patterning specialists, aura color healers, palm readers, Reiki masters, past-life regression experts of the Far East Dharma, Karma, Buddha masters. I included the New Age, the poets and even the dead: Kierkegaard, Swedenborg, Kant, Borges. And I didn’t stop there: I devoured books on sex, business, the inner workings of the mind and ecstatic dance. If it was nonfiction and said “help” ANYWHERE in or on the book, I READ IT! I was on a path (with frequent intermissions) to find out EXACTLY how to be free and NOT suffer unless absolutely necessary. And even then was convinced I could find a way to diminish the likelihood of that. Yet, despite my drive in my particular quest to find immunity from pain, this form of my quest came to an abrupt halt at 33. I had crossed a line.
And funnily enough, just prior to that I had asked myself—or rather, I heard that still small voice that I hear and know as the Great Divine (sort of as if The Great Oz was God) inside of me say…and I swear it cleared its throat (okay, maybe not, but I like to think my inner guidance system has a tremendous sense of humor) “Maryanne…dear. Can it be, after so many years of relentless pursuit of the internal fortress you seek, that the answer does not lie somewhere in even one of these books?”
I was actually embarrassed, because for the first time I realized how profound the notion was. When you come down to it, awakening and staying awake is not a new concept. Yes, we are complicated beings, but many great people have devoted their lives to taking on the complex material of spiritual laws and have done a really tremendous job of breaking it down for us. Yet there I was, face-to-face with a question that led me across the abyss of awareness to transformation. It was time, at last, to take all “I knew” and actually create a practice. You see, I had become addicted to the buzz. A self-help junkie. And why not? I am pretty sure that of all my addictions this one actually paid off! But like all things the time had come for me to fish or cut bait. Change or die—well, I wanted to die, anyway.
Despite all this amazing information, I stood and looked at my life and could not figure out why, despite knowing “it all,” I was still suffering. Still in an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship; still exercising poor choices, maintaining inappropriate boundaries, religiously entertaining recurrent negative self-talk, etc. And I knew it. This, my friends, was painful. They say ignorance is bliss. I said, after a 17-year quest to, in essence, wake up, I instead was faced with (in great detail) precisely what was wrong with me, simultaneously knowing better. Reminds me of a great line from a poem: "The fish in the water that is thirsty needs serious professional counseling." Kabir
And then I woke up! Yup. Just like that. For me it took what it took, and, like all of us on a path, it takes what it takes. So could it be that had I read one book fewer I would have had my awakening, being delivered from suffering? Would I not have found that which I had sought my entire life? I can never know, it seems. What I do know is that I am often asked this question, I say to anyone that walks through my door or asks my advice on the matter: “What do you want? And what are you willing to do about it?” The answer for me was simple. I wanted true freedom of being and freedom from suffering. I said a prayer. “God, please show me the way!” And I woke up. But not before I had spent almost twenty years trying everything else! And what I was willing to do about it? The answer was equally as simple; whatever it took! Staying awake for me, is what I had sought my whole adult life, And to stay awake included, among other things, developing a daily practice that fostered this gift I had received.
(for more on the method I developed out of this experience check out http://corrcertification.com)
And funnily enough, just prior to that I had asked myself—or rather, I heard that still small voice that I hear and know as the Great Divine (sort of as if The Great Oz was God) inside of me say…and I swear it cleared its throat (okay, maybe not, but I like to think my inner guidance system has a tremendous sense of humor) “Maryanne…dear. Can it be, after so many years of relentless pursuit of the internal fortress you seek, that the answer does not lie somewhere in even one of these books?”
I was actually embarrassed, because for the first time I realized how profound the notion was. When you come down to it, awakening and staying awake is not a new concept. Yes, we are complicated beings, but many great people have devoted their lives to taking on the complex material of spiritual laws and have done a really tremendous job of breaking it down for us. Yet there I was, face-to-face with a question that led me across the abyss of awareness to transformation. It was time, at last, to take all “I knew” and actually create a practice. You see, I had become addicted to the buzz. A self-help junkie. And why not? I am pretty sure that of all my addictions this one actually paid off! But like all things the time had come for me to fish or cut bait. Change or die—well, I wanted to die, anyway.
Despite all this amazing information, I stood and looked at my life and could not figure out why, despite knowing “it all,” I was still suffering. Still in an unhealthy, unfulfilling relationship; still exercising poor choices, maintaining inappropriate boundaries, religiously entertaining recurrent negative self-talk, etc. And I knew it. This, my friends, was painful. They say ignorance is bliss. I said, after a 17-year quest to, in essence, wake up, I instead was faced with (in great detail) precisely what was wrong with me, simultaneously knowing better. Reminds me of a great line from a poem: "The fish in the water that is thirsty needs serious professional counseling." Kabir
And then I woke up! Yup. Just like that. For me it took what it took, and, like all of us on a path, it takes what it takes. So could it be that had I read one book fewer I would have had my awakening, being delivered from suffering? Would I not have found that which I had sought my entire life? I can never know, it seems. What I do know is that I am often asked this question, I say to anyone that walks through my door or asks my advice on the matter: “What do you want? And what are you willing to do about it?” The answer for me was simple. I wanted true freedom of being and freedom from suffering. I said a prayer. “God, please show me the way!” And I woke up. But not before I had spent almost twenty years trying everything else! And what I was willing to do about it? The answer was equally as simple; whatever it took! Staying awake for me, is what I had sought my whole adult life, And to stay awake included, among other things, developing a daily practice that fostered this gift I had received.
(for more on the method I developed out of this experience check out http://corrcertification.com)
Relationship Aptitude Test: How to smell a RAT
I went to a memorial this week. A friend passed away suddenly; a shock to us all, but to none more than to his bride of twenty-some years. My heart went out to this brave woman and her three children who watched her life change dramatically without any warning. She told me that it was all so surreal—that one day he was laughing and telling her a story that made her laugh so hard she was crying, and the next day she was watching him curl up in a fetal position, and then he was gone. Just like that.
Yet at the reception after the memorial, instead of drowning in her tears (which we would imagine is what most of us would do), she wanted to talk about what a great, loving father and husband he was. How funny and generous he was. How many people’s lives he touched, and how blessed she was to have had twenty years with him. And while yes, her eyes were puffy and blurred with mascara, as sad as she was, she was genuinely grateful and proud to have spent this chapter of her life with such a man. You could feel it was true.
On the ride home tears spilled down my cheeks, as the truth of her words about her husband were also true for me, in a smaller yet significant way. This man has indeed touched my life, his generosity and beautiful spirit has definitely made a difference to me and my family. And then I felt this wave of inspiration fill my heart. A reaffirmation of why I do what I do and do it with such passion. To help people find what my girlfriend found with her beloved husband, however long they were blessed to share that together.
People ask me all the time how to have a great relationship, or if I think they are ready. I usually ask them the same two questions: What do you want, and what are you willing to do about it? Then I direct them to my Relationship Aptitude Test, or RAT, which helps you smell a rat—or find out if you are one. It’s multiple choice. Take your time.
Q 1 When is it okay to date someone who is already in a relationship?
1.Human beings are not monogamous creatures
2. As long as they don’t really want to be with that person
3. I’d rather wait until they are available
Q 2 How long should you wait before you get sexually intimate with someone?
1.It depends on how well I know the person
2.If it feels good, do it
3.Two or three dates, unless it’s love at first sight
Q3 Does it matter how someone’s relationships have ended in the past?
1.Some people just bring out the worst in each other
2.That was then and this is now
3.I am attracted to people who keep their side of the street clean
Q4 Does God matter in a relationship?
1.Not believing in God doesn’t make you a bad person
2.I think it’s key to a relationship to be spiritually compatible
3.To each his own
Q5 When you should bring up marriage or commitment?
1.Be upfront about what you want; you both deserve that
2.You should just go with the flow
3.Not until you’re sure it won’t scare them away
Q6 At what point do you talk about kids or birth control?
1.Love me, love my kids; and know that whatever I do, I am responsible for
2.If you have ‘em, wait to bring them up; if you don’t, wait until they mention it
3.Have a condom and don’t say anything you’ll regret later
Q7 When and how do you talk about STDs?
1.I would assume someone would tell me if they were sick or had some disease
2.ASAP and gracefully
3.You can tell when people are clean and healthy—and always bring a condom
Q8 Does it matter if someone you are with has been incarcerated?
1.Everyone deserves a second chance
2.As long as it wasn’t murder
3.Depends on what for
Q9 Does everyone need a purpose in life?
1.I just want them to be happy
2.Absolutely—or in sincere pursuit
3.As long as it isn’t me
Q10 Do you believe in Happily Ever After?
1.I don’t need to anymore
2.I believe in the pre-nuptial agreements
3.Sure, who doesn’t want that?
Key:
Q 1: 1) 2 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 3 points
Q 2: 1). 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point
Q 3: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points
Q 4: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 5: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point
Q 6: 1) 3 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 2 points
Q 7: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 8: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points
Q 9: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 10: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 1) 1 point
Email your score to info at maryannelive dot com, and we’ll send you the results. Find out if you need an X-termination, need to lay off the cheese, or if you are a cheese connoisseur! (Be sure to include on what site you took the quiz!)
Yet at the reception after the memorial, instead of drowning in her tears (which we would imagine is what most of us would do), she wanted to talk about what a great, loving father and husband he was. How funny and generous he was. How many people’s lives he touched, and how blessed she was to have had twenty years with him. And while yes, her eyes were puffy and blurred with mascara, as sad as she was, she was genuinely grateful and proud to have spent this chapter of her life with such a man. You could feel it was true.
On the ride home tears spilled down my cheeks, as the truth of her words about her husband were also true for me, in a smaller yet significant way. This man has indeed touched my life, his generosity and beautiful spirit has definitely made a difference to me and my family. And then I felt this wave of inspiration fill my heart. A reaffirmation of why I do what I do and do it with such passion. To help people find what my girlfriend found with her beloved husband, however long they were blessed to share that together.
People ask me all the time how to have a great relationship, or if I think they are ready. I usually ask them the same two questions: What do you want, and what are you willing to do about it? Then I direct them to my Relationship Aptitude Test, or RAT, which helps you smell a rat—or find out if you are one. It’s multiple choice. Take your time.
Q 1 When is it okay to date someone who is already in a relationship?
1.Human beings are not monogamous creatures
2. As long as they don’t really want to be with that person
3. I’d rather wait until they are available
Q 2 How long should you wait before you get sexually intimate with someone?
1.It depends on how well I know the person
2.If it feels good, do it
3.Two or three dates, unless it’s love at first sight
Q3 Does it matter how someone’s relationships have ended in the past?
1.Some people just bring out the worst in each other
2.That was then and this is now
3.I am attracted to people who keep their side of the street clean
Q4 Does God matter in a relationship?
1.Not believing in God doesn’t make you a bad person
2.I think it’s key to a relationship to be spiritually compatible
3.To each his own
Q5 When you should bring up marriage or commitment?
1.Be upfront about what you want; you both deserve that
2.You should just go with the flow
3.Not until you’re sure it won’t scare them away
Q6 At what point do you talk about kids or birth control?
1.Love me, love my kids; and know that whatever I do, I am responsible for
2.If you have ‘em, wait to bring them up; if you don’t, wait until they mention it
3.Have a condom and don’t say anything you’ll regret later
Q7 When and how do you talk about STDs?
1.I would assume someone would tell me if they were sick or had some disease
2.ASAP and gracefully
3.You can tell when people are clean and healthy—and always bring a condom
Q8 Does it matter if someone you are with has been incarcerated?
1.Everyone deserves a second chance
2.As long as it wasn’t murder
3.Depends on what for
Q9 Does everyone need a purpose in life?
1.I just want them to be happy
2.Absolutely—or in sincere pursuit
3.As long as it isn’t me
Q10 Do you believe in Happily Ever After?
1.I don’t need to anymore
2.I believe in the pre-nuptial agreements
3.Sure, who doesn’t want that?
Key:
Q 1: 1) 2 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 3 points
Q 2: 1). 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point
Q 3: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points
Q 4: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 5: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point
Q 6: 1) 3 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 2 points
Q 7: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 8: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points
Q 9: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points
Q 10: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 1) 1 point
Email your score to info at maryannelive dot com, and we’ll send you the results. Find out if you need an X-termination, need to lay off the cheese, or if you are a cheese connoisseur! (Be sure to include on what site you took the quiz!)
Upcoming events
If you're a Bay Area/Northern California local or not, we've got some fabulous upcoming events to take advantage of in-person, on air, and online! Here's a recent list the gals and I made up :-) ... Hope to see you around!
Maryanne Live Events
Take in the unique ambience and engaging offerings of Open Secret Bookstore as well as listening to expert relationship advice and asking questions from your own experience! Maryanne will be at Open Secret Friday September 25th at 7pm, signing books, reading from “Hindsight: What you Need to Know Before you Drop your Drawers,” and talking all things sex, love and relationships
RSVP: info@maryannelive.com
Open Secret Bookstore
923 C St
San Rafael, CA 94901-2805
(415) 457-4191
Plus – catch Maryanne in LA. She'll be signing, reading from, and talking all things “Hindsight” at Book Soup on Saturday, September 19th at 1 pm.
Book Soup
8818 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90069-
*******************
Maryanne Live Media
Nor Cal fans, catch Maryanne on the Sac & Co Morning show (KXTV10) in Sacramento talking about Hindsight, the Relationship Toolbelt, and all things sex, love and romance!
Time: 8:00AM Monday, September 14th
*******************
Maryanne Live Workshops
Our next women's CORR certification in Marin is coming up quickly! Join Maryanne as she teaches her “Certificate of Responsible Relationship” which operates on the principle that learning to get centered, focused, and identifying self-defeating patterns is crucial to attracting a great relationship.
October 4th, 1-4 pm
RSVP for further info and location: info@mayannelive.com
Feel like getting away? Meet Maryanne in Maui on October 17th and get an amazing deal on the certification. Maryanne will be co-teaching with inspirational speaker Eve Hogan at Eve's intimate, personal garden on the island. You couldn't ask for a better venue to detoxify from problematic relationships and patterns. Take advantage of this opportunity with amazing savings - $100 for the seminar!
Call 415.464.1324, email info@maryannlive.com or visit askmaryannelive.com for more info!
Maryanne Live Events
Take in the unique ambience and engaging offerings of Open Secret Bookstore as well as listening to expert relationship advice and asking questions from your own experience! Maryanne will be at Open Secret Friday September 25th at 7pm, signing books, reading from “Hindsight: What you Need to Know Before you Drop your Drawers,” and talking all things sex, love and relationships
RSVP: info@maryannelive.com
Open Secret Bookstore
923 C St
San Rafael, CA 94901-2805
(415) 457-4191
Plus – catch Maryanne in LA. She'll be signing, reading from, and talking all things “Hindsight” at Book Soup on Saturday, September 19th at 1 pm.
Book Soup
8818 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90069-
*******************
Maryanne Live Media
Nor Cal fans, catch Maryanne on the Sac & Co Morning show (KXTV10) in Sacramento talking about Hindsight, the Relationship Toolbelt, and all things sex, love and romance!
Time: 8:00AM Monday, September 14th
*******************
Maryanne Live Workshops
Our next women's CORR certification in Marin is coming up quickly! Join Maryanne as she teaches her “Certificate of Responsible Relationship” which operates on the principle that learning to get centered, focused, and identifying self-defeating patterns is crucial to attracting a great relationship.
October 4th, 1-4 pm
RSVP for further info and location: info@mayannelive.com
Feel like getting away? Meet Maryanne in Maui on October 17th and get an amazing deal on the certification. Maryanne will be co-teaching with inspirational speaker Eve Hogan at Eve's intimate, personal garden on the island. You couldn't ask for a better venue to detoxify from problematic relationships and patterns. Take advantage of this opportunity with amazing savings - $100 for the seminar!
Call 415.464.1324, email info@maryannlive.com or visit askmaryannelive.com for more info!
R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
Guys, this one's for you – and ladies, you should feel free to pass it on to any guy you know in your life who's on a path toward thinking holistically about love, relationships and family.
In my work over the past two-plus decades, I've focused on relationships of many different types – dating, casual, serious, engagement, marriage, divorce, post-divorce … and in my most recent book, “Hindsight: What you need to know before you drop your drawers” I present the relationship toolbelt. Although applicable for just about anyone, the book – and my subsequent teaching on it – is primarily geared toward women.
But I'm also interested in how the male mind relates to relationships, and I there are many, many guys out there who are on paths toward healthy, honest, fulfilling relationships – dating, marriage or otherwise. How we approach relationship and sex cannot be separated from our values about children, marriage and family (considering one primary unconscious drive is to procreate). Having stated the obvious, it’s what isn’t so obvious that I would like to help illuminate with my next book, Investing Your Family Jewels. It’s an attempt to help folks heal and educate themselves so we as a culture are better equipped to raise healthy, thriving children, rather than continue the cycle of dysfunction we each in our own way struggle to be free of.
Okay, men, it’s your turn to tell your version, your truth - in your life and in your relationships. And here are a few questions to help you get started (if you're so inclined, feel free to email your answers – or your story, or both! - to info at maryannelive dot com. We read and respond personally to each email and I may feature you in upcoming work!)
1)Do you respect women?
2)How do you respect them?
3)At the end of the day, do you feel it’s ultimately a woman’s job to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant?
4)If someone you have sex with does get pregnant and decides to keep the baby, what responsibility do you have to this child and to the mother?
5)What do you think a father’s responsibilities are?
6) What qualities should a woman look for in a man they want to have children with?
7) Why do you feel we have such an epidemic of “absent“fathers in our culture?
8) What makes a great father?
9) What sacrifices are men generally unwilling to make to be a great father?
10) What will you never give up to be a great husband and father?
As you ponder these questions – and these are only a few of the ones I've been asking the men in MY life! - here's a little feedback from men I've worked with who are asking the big questions about how they relate to the opposite sex.
The guys' in my first men's relationship class talk about how to be honest about what you want out of a relationship!
In my work over the past two-plus decades, I've focused on relationships of many different types – dating, casual, serious, engagement, marriage, divorce, post-divorce … and in my most recent book, “Hindsight: What you need to know before you drop your drawers” I present the relationship toolbelt. Although applicable for just about anyone, the book – and my subsequent teaching on it – is primarily geared toward women.
But I'm also interested in how the male mind relates to relationships, and I there are many, many guys out there who are on paths toward healthy, honest, fulfilling relationships – dating, marriage or otherwise. How we approach relationship and sex cannot be separated from our values about children, marriage and family (considering one primary unconscious drive is to procreate). Having stated the obvious, it’s what isn’t so obvious that I would like to help illuminate with my next book, Investing Your Family Jewels. It’s an attempt to help folks heal and educate themselves so we as a culture are better equipped to raise healthy, thriving children, rather than continue the cycle of dysfunction we each in our own way struggle to be free of.
Okay, men, it’s your turn to tell your version, your truth - in your life and in your relationships. And here are a few questions to help you get started (if you're so inclined, feel free to email your answers – or your story, or both! - to info at maryannelive dot com. We read and respond personally to each email and I may feature you in upcoming work!)
1)Do you respect women?
2)How do you respect them?
3)At the end of the day, do you feel it’s ultimately a woman’s job to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant?
4)If someone you have sex with does get pregnant and decides to keep the baby, what responsibility do you have to this child and to the mother?
5)What do you think a father’s responsibilities are?
6) What qualities should a woman look for in a man they want to have children with?
7) Why do you feel we have such an epidemic of “absent“fathers in our culture?
8) What makes a great father?
9) What sacrifices are men generally unwilling to make to be a great father?
10) What will you never give up to be a great husband and father?
As you ponder these questions – and these are only a few of the ones I've been asking the men in MY life! - here's a little feedback from men I've worked with who are asking the big questions about how they relate to the opposite sex.
The guys' in my first men's relationship class talk about how to be honest about what you want out of a relationship!
How's YOUR "Mate-dar"?
So, whatever the reason, you're on the prowl for a significant other. Maybe you feel you're ready for a commitment. Maybe you're looking for companionship. So you feel like your “Mate-dar” (your ability to suss out a great mate) is in full force, turned up top notch. But the truth is – even if you have the purest of intentions for seeking out a relationship – nobody's Mate-dar is perfect.
The problem—or, should I say, one of the many challenges— with being human is knowing the difference between who we are and who we are not. Making the all-important distinction between our unconscious persona and our authentic, healthy, whole selves. Until we have addressed this process it is likely that our wounded little kid has a hold of an adult tool, waving it around like a toy, and then BANG! somebody gets hurt. Our Mate-dar, when operated by our 5-year-old wound, can get us into a lot of trouble—as would any part of ourselves we have not made peace with, healed or become aware of on some level.
In the case of seeking a great partner, when we are seeing through the eyes of a wound we are less likely to see clearly! This can show up in different ways (boy, can they be tricky, slippery and subtle all at once), most of them falling under the guise of denial or rationalization.
Here’s a great story to illustrate how elusive accessing our very own truth can be.
My husband, David, got on the scale this morning. I could hear the clang and distinct argh. “How can that be? I gained four pounds? I have only been eating lettuce all week, for crying out loud.” I tried to comfort him by saying that muscle weighs more than fat, and then burst out laughing, realizing that’s what I told myself last time I got on the scale. After we lavished one and another with a few more excuses, we decided that the scale was broken and we needed to get a new one. One that told us what we wanted to hear! That we were not fat!
I have learned it’s one thing to sit around and bitch and moan wishing things were different, and another to do something about it. So I went for a run, then later we went to get the scale. Apparently doing a little of both.
“It’s never a good idea to weigh yourself late in the day, sweetie” I reminded him as he stepped off the fancy glass scale in Bed Bath and Beyond, that seconds before had held such promise. “Yeah, but this one says I weigh even more than the one at home—did I gain four more pounds since we left?” I wasn’t laughing, as I was about to climb on. Mind you, I don’t make it a habit to get on scales—I know all too well they are not my friends, because I almost never feel better about myself as a result! How bad could it be? I thought. I run and eat well and anyway I would know if I… “What the…? A hundred and…? Wow, I don’t know what to say, except …that scale can’t be right!” I leapt off like it was a bed of hot coals.
“Oh, look, here’s one that tells you how much muscle versus fat you have, and it will show us how much water we are retaining! Let’s try it. You go first!” I said. David placed the Ferrari version of a scale on the floor, took his flip-flops off again and stepped on. “Uh oh…uhhhh… Wait, try that one, that’s just a regular old scale,” and quickly pointed to another. He put the Ferrari one back, put the next one on the floor and hopped on. We both waited as it calculated. “Well, this one says the same thing as the one at home does,” he shrugged. ‘Which means—uh…we’re fat, right?” We both laughed, let it sink in for a minute, and then decided that since we were ready to admit the truth, that we weighed more than we wanted to, we might as well buy the really cool one that told us in great detail all about it.
What the heck does this have to do with relationships? That’s a very good question, and if you answered “Everything!” you are definitely smarter than the average bear!
Pay attention, ‘cause this is some heavy. It doesn’t get any more real than this kind of reality. A huge contributor, if not a top ten reason so many of us don’t have a GREAT relationship, is—we don’t tell ourselves (or others) the truth. It’s an exact proportion, as a matter of fact! Think about it. Let’s say I asked you right now to write down your name, how much you weigh, how much you make a year, the color of your eyes, hair, your shoe size, how tall you are, where you live. Nine out of ten of you would lie about at least half. The rest of you would at least exaggerate or minimize. Don’t believe me, go grab the next person you see and tell them how much you really weigh. How tall you are, to the centimeter. What color your hair really is. How old you actually are. Go down the list; if you are honest with yourself, you will see how often we lie about the most mundane things. Why? Because of what we make it mean:
I weigh X = I am fat = no one will want/love me
I am X years old = I am too old = no one will love me
I am five feet X = too short (or tall) = no one wants that = no one will want me
My real hair color is X = I am unattractive = no one will love me
I make X amount of money = I am poor = no one will want to be with me/love me
So we do what my husband and I tried to do. We slip right into the old river called Denial. We begin with some simple rationalizations, adding or taking away a zero here and there. What harm can it do? we think, Who cares? If I don’t care, why should anyone else? Well, that’s the problem. You do care, or you wouldn’t bother lying—especially to yourself!
You can see how easy it is to miss cues, red flags and warnings or signs from another person that they really aren’t interested. Our agenda for love can be so strong, our wound-ology so ingrained, that it actually distorts reality! Here are some recommendations to help develop or adjust our Mate-dar.
1.One of my favorites is to interview people who have the kind of relationship you want. If you can’t interview, at least pay attention and jot down some features that stand out for you!
2.Date yourself seriously. Yes, seriously…date yourself. Make a date, get ready for it, pick the place you want yourself to take yourself, the whole nine, and do it. How do you like your own company, what do you notice about yourself?
3.Interview yourself. Yeah, why not? Who are you? What do you want out of life? What’s your five-year plan, what is your relationship history? Ask yourself all the questions you would ask of another, and see how you react or what comes up for you.
4.Have a few practice dates with real people to see how well your intuition is working. Yes, a date where you actually try and work on your weakness. Maybe you even ask the person for feedback about you and see how your perceptions compare. Could be very enlightening, if you have the courage!
Look, if you don’t take care to do these things, or things like this, for yourself, why would you expect anyone else to? Awakening to consciousness is not for lightweights—it’s hard work, and you got want the good stuff! Like I always say, great relationships begin within. Don’t kid yourself!
The problem—or, should I say, one of the many challenges— with being human is knowing the difference between who we are and who we are not. Making the all-important distinction between our unconscious persona and our authentic, healthy, whole selves. Until we have addressed this process it is likely that our wounded little kid has a hold of an adult tool, waving it around like a toy, and then BANG! somebody gets hurt. Our Mate-dar, when operated by our 5-year-old wound, can get us into a lot of trouble—as would any part of ourselves we have not made peace with, healed or become aware of on some level.
In the case of seeking a great partner, when we are seeing through the eyes of a wound we are less likely to see clearly! This can show up in different ways (boy, can they be tricky, slippery and subtle all at once), most of them falling under the guise of denial or rationalization.
Here’s a great story to illustrate how elusive accessing our very own truth can be.
My husband, David, got on the scale this morning. I could hear the clang and distinct argh. “How can that be? I gained four pounds? I have only been eating lettuce all week, for crying out loud.” I tried to comfort him by saying that muscle weighs more than fat, and then burst out laughing, realizing that’s what I told myself last time I got on the scale. After we lavished one and another with a few more excuses, we decided that the scale was broken and we needed to get a new one. One that told us what we wanted to hear! That we were not fat!
I have learned it’s one thing to sit around and bitch and moan wishing things were different, and another to do something about it. So I went for a run, then later we went to get the scale. Apparently doing a little of both.
“It’s never a good idea to weigh yourself late in the day, sweetie” I reminded him as he stepped off the fancy glass scale in Bed Bath and Beyond, that seconds before had held such promise. “Yeah, but this one says I weigh even more than the one at home—did I gain four more pounds since we left?” I wasn’t laughing, as I was about to climb on. Mind you, I don’t make it a habit to get on scales—I know all too well they are not my friends, because I almost never feel better about myself as a result! How bad could it be? I thought. I run and eat well and anyway I would know if I… “What the…? A hundred and…? Wow, I don’t know what to say, except …that scale can’t be right!” I leapt off like it was a bed of hot coals.
“Oh, look, here’s one that tells you how much muscle versus fat you have, and it will show us how much water we are retaining! Let’s try it. You go first!” I said. David placed the Ferrari version of a scale on the floor, took his flip-flops off again and stepped on. “Uh oh…uhhhh… Wait, try that one, that’s just a regular old scale,” and quickly pointed to another. He put the Ferrari one back, put the next one on the floor and hopped on. We both waited as it calculated. “Well, this one says the same thing as the one at home does,” he shrugged. ‘Which means—uh…we’re fat, right?” We both laughed, let it sink in for a minute, and then decided that since we were ready to admit the truth, that we weighed more than we wanted to, we might as well buy the really cool one that told us in great detail all about it.
What the heck does this have to do with relationships? That’s a very good question, and if you answered “Everything!” you are definitely smarter than the average bear!
Pay attention, ‘cause this is some heavy. It doesn’t get any more real than this kind of reality. A huge contributor, if not a top ten reason so many of us don’t have a GREAT relationship, is—we don’t tell ourselves (or others) the truth. It’s an exact proportion, as a matter of fact! Think about it. Let’s say I asked you right now to write down your name, how much you weigh, how much you make a year, the color of your eyes, hair, your shoe size, how tall you are, where you live. Nine out of ten of you would lie about at least half. The rest of you would at least exaggerate or minimize. Don’t believe me, go grab the next person you see and tell them how much you really weigh. How tall you are, to the centimeter. What color your hair really is. How old you actually are. Go down the list; if you are honest with yourself, you will see how often we lie about the most mundane things. Why? Because of what we make it mean:
I weigh X = I am fat = no one will want/love me
I am X years old = I am too old = no one will love me
I am five feet X = too short (or tall) = no one wants that = no one will want me
My real hair color is X = I am unattractive = no one will love me
I make X amount of money = I am poor = no one will want to be with me/love me
So we do what my husband and I tried to do. We slip right into the old river called Denial. We begin with some simple rationalizations, adding or taking away a zero here and there. What harm can it do? we think, Who cares? If I don’t care, why should anyone else? Well, that’s the problem. You do care, or you wouldn’t bother lying—especially to yourself!
You can see how easy it is to miss cues, red flags and warnings or signs from another person that they really aren’t interested. Our agenda for love can be so strong, our wound-ology so ingrained, that it actually distorts reality! Here are some recommendations to help develop or adjust our Mate-dar.
1.One of my favorites is to interview people who have the kind of relationship you want. If you can’t interview, at least pay attention and jot down some features that stand out for you!
2.Date yourself seriously. Yes, seriously…date yourself. Make a date, get ready for it, pick the place you want yourself to take yourself, the whole nine, and do it. How do you like your own company, what do you notice about yourself?
3.Interview yourself. Yeah, why not? Who are you? What do you want out of life? What’s your five-year plan, what is your relationship history? Ask yourself all the questions you would ask of another, and see how you react or what comes up for you.
4.Have a few practice dates with real people to see how well your intuition is working. Yes, a date where you actually try and work on your weakness. Maybe you even ask the person for feedback about you and see how your perceptions compare. Could be very enlightening, if you have the courage!
Look, if you don’t take care to do these things, or things like this, for yourself, why would you expect anyone else to? Awakening to consciousness is not for lightweights—it’s hard work, and you got want the good stuff! Like I always say, great relationships begin within. Don’t kid yourself!
Got Friends?
My mother told me I was lucky if I could count all my real friends on one hand!
Must have been fifteen or so years ago now, when it occurred to me after a string of disappointing intimate relationships that maybe she was right—again. That it might be wise to invest more time in creating some deep and lasting friendships, as they theoretically seemed to have greater staying power and could be in many ways equally fulfilling, perhaps in some ways even more.
I must add that, up until that that point, my history with friendships was rather sketchy and my role models even more so. My mother barely trusted women (her best friend slept with my dad) and my father, well, made a lot of offers people couldn’t refuse. Childhood aside, the relationship skills I had gathered afforded me as many pleasant and happy memories as traumatic or forgettable ones.
Over the years, many of the friendships had been more fragile than I liked, and oftentimes out of balance one way or the other. Either I was too needy or too unavailable, or our lifestyles were not totally compatible—being a single mom certainly didn’t help. Yet, the ones I did maintain (for whatever length of time) offered a mutual comfort that, when absent, left me yearning for that very specific kind of connection that only a platonic camaraderie offers—one that, no matter how compatible, a sexual relationship does not.
Finding this handful of friends is, in many cases, no easy task; especially given the cultural fad of vapid, disposable, let’s-do-lunch, I-love-you-after-five-minutes, overweening, entitled, texting, emotionally handicapped, walking wounded human beings most of us act like. And that’s before you even get to hello. Finding your peeps, as they say, isn’t as easy as it seems but, like all good things, is definitely worth the work!
So, how do you tell if someone is got the right stuff to be your new BFF or just a GF? I figure that most of our same propensities arise when it comes to friendship as they do in an intimate relationship—except, of course, Le sexe. It’s safe to say that we are looking for many of the same things in a friendship that we are looking for in a relationship. With a few exceptions:
1)Someone to hang out with (you actually like)
2)Someone you have something in common with (aside from Le sexe)
3)Someone who will listen to your incessant or inane whining should it arise, however untimely
4)Someone who will show a genuine interest in you and your life, however ordinary or dull
5)Someone who has a high tolerance for your weaknesses
6)Someone who will have your back if ever need be
7)Someone you can count on (from OMG I have nothing to wear to my high school reunion, to OMG I have breast cancer and need someone to hold my hand during chemo)
8)Someone who will tell me the truth even if I don’t want to hear it (with compassion when needed)
9)Who doesn’t care if I am 10 pounds overweight (fill in the blank)
10)And still love me if I decide to shave my head, take up drumming and move to India for a year
Finding these select few, these magical, unconditionally (most of the time) loving phenoms can take some sussing out. Once you have decided that you want some great ones—who, if you’re lucky, just may be around throughout your lifetime—here are a few things to keep in mind. They just might make your journey a little easier done than said!
1)Set your intention—it works with friends too. Maybe you want to make two or three new good friends in the next year. Set achievable goals.
2)Set forth your criteria. What do you want? I wanted girlfriends who were self-sustaining, had a daily practice of self-care, who were on a similar spiritual track, and who had impeccable communication skills, etc.
3)List your non-negotiables, the things that just won’t work for you. One of mine was, “If you are upset you need to tell me directly and not make unilateral decisions that affect me as well.”
4)Interview well, ask good questions and wait and see if their actions match their words.
5)Don’t settle (even if you’re bored or desperate, you’ll be sorry you did!).
6)Tell the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, better now than later, I always say.
7)Set your boundaries regarding money, men, and all things sacred!
8)Give as much as you get and make sure it flows the other way too!
9)Take your time, no need to rush, getting to know a new friend is fun and should be savored, and trust is built over time
10) Most of all, be silly, be yourself, and have some fun!
And remember, great relationships, including friendships, begin within!
Must have been fifteen or so years ago now, when it occurred to me after a string of disappointing intimate relationships that maybe she was right—again. That it might be wise to invest more time in creating some deep and lasting friendships, as they theoretically seemed to have greater staying power and could be in many ways equally fulfilling, perhaps in some ways even more.
I must add that, up until that that point, my history with friendships was rather sketchy and my role models even more so. My mother barely trusted women (her best friend slept with my dad) and my father, well, made a lot of offers people couldn’t refuse. Childhood aside, the relationship skills I had gathered afforded me as many pleasant and happy memories as traumatic or forgettable ones.
Over the years, many of the friendships had been more fragile than I liked, and oftentimes out of balance one way or the other. Either I was too needy or too unavailable, or our lifestyles were not totally compatible—being a single mom certainly didn’t help. Yet, the ones I did maintain (for whatever length of time) offered a mutual comfort that, when absent, left me yearning for that very specific kind of connection that only a platonic camaraderie offers—one that, no matter how compatible, a sexual relationship does not.
Finding this handful of friends is, in many cases, no easy task; especially given the cultural fad of vapid, disposable, let’s-do-lunch, I-love-you-after-five-minutes, overweening, entitled, texting, emotionally handicapped, walking wounded human beings most of us act like. And that’s before you even get to hello. Finding your peeps, as they say, isn’t as easy as it seems but, like all good things, is definitely worth the work!
So, how do you tell if someone is got the right stuff to be your new BFF or just a GF? I figure that most of our same propensities arise when it comes to friendship as they do in an intimate relationship—except, of course, Le sexe. It’s safe to say that we are looking for many of the same things in a friendship that we are looking for in a relationship. With a few exceptions:
1)Someone to hang out with (you actually like)
2)Someone you have something in common with (aside from Le sexe)
3)Someone who will listen to your incessant or inane whining should it arise, however untimely
4)Someone who will show a genuine interest in you and your life, however ordinary or dull
5)Someone who has a high tolerance for your weaknesses
6)Someone who will have your back if ever need be
7)Someone you can count on (from OMG I have nothing to wear to my high school reunion, to OMG I have breast cancer and need someone to hold my hand during chemo)
8)Someone who will tell me the truth even if I don’t want to hear it (with compassion when needed)
9)Who doesn’t care if I am 10 pounds overweight (fill in the blank)
10)And still love me if I decide to shave my head, take up drumming and move to India for a year
Finding these select few, these magical, unconditionally (most of the time) loving phenoms can take some sussing out. Once you have decided that you want some great ones—who, if you’re lucky, just may be around throughout your lifetime—here are a few things to keep in mind. They just might make your journey a little easier done than said!
1)Set your intention—it works with friends too. Maybe you want to make two or three new good friends in the next year. Set achievable goals.
2)Set forth your criteria. What do you want? I wanted girlfriends who were self-sustaining, had a daily practice of self-care, who were on a similar spiritual track, and who had impeccable communication skills, etc.
3)List your non-negotiables, the things that just won’t work for you. One of mine was, “If you are upset you need to tell me directly and not make unilateral decisions that affect me as well.”
4)Interview well, ask good questions and wait and see if their actions match their words.
5)Don’t settle (even if you’re bored or desperate, you’ll be sorry you did!).
6)Tell the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, better now than later, I always say.
7)Set your boundaries regarding money, men, and all things sacred!
8)Give as much as you get and make sure it flows the other way too!
9)Take your time, no need to rush, getting to know a new friend is fun and should be savored, and trust is built over time
10) Most of all, be silly, be yourself, and have some fun!
And remember, great relationships, including friendships, begin within!
Sustainable Relationships
If you have had a few relationships you know what I mean by “sustainability,” especially ones that have been a source of pain or suffering to some degree. (Some of which have compelled you to dispose of them by almost any means, organic or not.) But what of the ones you wish to keep, nurture and grow rather than watch die prematurely or unexpectedly? Given all the energy most of us spend putting ourselves “out there” on the emotional limb (oftentimes left with nothing more than a “seed,” or perhaps less some seed, as the case may be), let’s wise up and turn those seeds into wisdom. Let’s instead get on with how to make our lives fertile so that we can more optimally attract and create more healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationships.
Ones that have the greatest potential for an amazing harvest, for season after season to come.
Relationships can be complicated, given the myriad of unique nuances that make up any one individual, the layers of experiences that create the filters we each see reality through. The real enigma seems to be a matter of skill and planning—how to create a optimal climate for potential for growth within this human complexity. Just like plants, relationships grow and flourish under optimal circumstances and care as well.
Okay, enough with the plant metaphor. You get it (hopefully). The deal is that if we come to relationship broken up, with some serious unexamined baggage, expecting to attract great relationships, odds are the next one will end up much the same—in disappointment and regret. At some point, as I have said many times, you gotta be thinking, “Hey, maybe it’s not just them.” Friends and lovers alike, we need to bring our “A” game to the party and expect nothing less from our prospective playmates and potential soulmates as well.
Here are some pointers for how to sustain any great relationship (platonic or otherwise), once you have carefully selected who you want to be in it with:
Respect Here’s a word. Know what it means? If you don’t, you have no chance at REAL, lasting intimacy (in my not-so-humble opinion). If you respect yourself, just double it. Don’t just talk about it either—this is an action item. Respect is not a feeling, it’s a way of behaving!
Responsible communication You get to choose from every word in the English language (or whatever language you share) in whatever tone you choose to communicate your thoughts and feelings to another, so choose carefully. You have no one to blame if you don’t tell the truth or say what you want. My teacher says “We are always doing one of two things; creating separation or connection.” What is your intention?
Integrity Do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, as often as humanly possible. And don’t BS yourself. Nobody trusts a flake, nor does anyone want their vulnerable hearts to be in the care of one. If you love and respect someone, ACT like it!
Compatibility If you are mad about the outdoors, can’t live without reality TV, are a screaming (or worse, Nuevo) liberal, or abhor people who over-accessorize or don’t keep up on current events, then you probably wouldn’t want to hang out with…me, for example. Just because someone has good energy doesn’t mean you do real life well together. Watch what people DO, not only what they say. Make sure they match or you’ll be sadly disappointed, eventually bored and even resentful. There are 7 billion people on the planet—check some more of them out and quit trying to make someone they are not!
Compassion Walked a mile in their shoes, have you? I recommend before you think you know whatever you think you know about the person you say you love, one of the most loving acts of all is to try and understand as much as you want to be understood. Old adage for a reason. ‘Cause it’s a damn good one!
Expectations The fastest way to get back to love in any relationship is to want nothing. Period. Try it. No one is responsible for your happiness or anything else, unless expressly agreed to.
Consciousness agreements One of my all-time favorites. Let people know what’s important to you up front. As soon as possible, in fact. In any relationship the time to negotiate is up front, not after you are in deep! Don’t want to party a lot, but notice you keep giving in and feeling bad about yourself—but afraid to lose your friends if you stand up for yourself? Don’t want to have sex so much, but because you’re afraid they will leave, you do it anyway (see compatibility)? Two of my “needs” (if you can call them that) in a friendship is that a) we don’t make unilateral decisions about ending the friendship, and b) if we have a problem we bring it to the other person as soon as possible. What are your non-negotiables?
These tools and skills have helped me immeasurably over the years and I rely on them all today, as they are responsible for helping me maintain the loving, healthy relationships I have today! Remember, relationships take work, they are not just “add water,” and people are not disposable. They are precious blessings, and in their presence I feel blessed to keep on my path to becoming the best version of myself, as well as have the privilege to witness l those I love do the same!
Ones that have the greatest potential for an amazing harvest, for season after season to come.
Relationships can be complicated, given the myriad of unique nuances that make up any one individual, the layers of experiences that create the filters we each see reality through. The real enigma seems to be a matter of skill and planning—how to create a optimal climate for potential for growth within this human complexity. Just like plants, relationships grow and flourish under optimal circumstances and care as well.
Okay, enough with the plant metaphor. You get it (hopefully). The deal is that if we come to relationship broken up, with some serious unexamined baggage, expecting to attract great relationships, odds are the next one will end up much the same—in disappointment and regret. At some point, as I have said many times, you gotta be thinking, “Hey, maybe it’s not just them.” Friends and lovers alike, we need to bring our “A” game to the party and expect nothing less from our prospective playmates and potential soulmates as well.
Here are some pointers for how to sustain any great relationship (platonic or otherwise), once you have carefully selected who you want to be in it with:
Respect Here’s a word. Know what it means? If you don’t, you have no chance at REAL, lasting intimacy (in my not-so-humble opinion). If you respect yourself, just double it. Don’t just talk about it either—this is an action item. Respect is not a feeling, it’s a way of behaving!
Responsible communication You get to choose from every word in the English language (or whatever language you share) in whatever tone you choose to communicate your thoughts and feelings to another, so choose carefully. You have no one to blame if you don’t tell the truth or say what you want. My teacher says “We are always doing one of two things; creating separation or connection.” What is your intention?
Integrity Do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, as often as humanly possible. And don’t BS yourself. Nobody trusts a flake, nor does anyone want their vulnerable hearts to be in the care of one. If you love and respect someone, ACT like it!
Compatibility If you are mad about the outdoors, can’t live without reality TV, are a screaming (or worse, Nuevo) liberal, or abhor people who over-accessorize or don’t keep up on current events, then you probably wouldn’t want to hang out with…me, for example. Just because someone has good energy doesn’t mean you do real life well together. Watch what people DO, not only what they say. Make sure they match or you’ll be sadly disappointed, eventually bored and even resentful. There are 7 billion people on the planet—check some more of them out and quit trying to make someone they are not!
Compassion Walked a mile in their shoes, have you? I recommend before you think you know whatever you think you know about the person you say you love, one of the most loving acts of all is to try and understand as much as you want to be understood. Old adage for a reason. ‘Cause it’s a damn good one!
Expectations The fastest way to get back to love in any relationship is to want nothing. Period. Try it. No one is responsible for your happiness or anything else, unless expressly agreed to.
Consciousness agreements One of my all-time favorites. Let people know what’s important to you up front. As soon as possible, in fact. In any relationship the time to negotiate is up front, not after you are in deep! Don’t want to party a lot, but notice you keep giving in and feeling bad about yourself—but afraid to lose your friends if you stand up for yourself? Don’t want to have sex so much, but because you’re afraid they will leave, you do it anyway (see compatibility)? Two of my “needs” (if you can call them that) in a friendship is that a) we don’t make unilateral decisions about ending the friendship, and b) if we have a problem we bring it to the other person as soon as possible. What are your non-negotiables?
These tools and skills have helped me immeasurably over the years and I rely on them all today, as they are responsible for helping me maintain the loving, healthy relationships I have today! Remember, relationships take work, they are not just “add water,” and people are not disposable. They are precious blessings, and in their presence I feel blessed to keep on my path to becoming the best version of myself, as well as have the privilege to witness l those I love do the same!
Be Present
Here’s an email I got recently:
“I wanted to thank you also for your story about "presence" that you told at your talk recently at Open Secret Book Store in San Rafael. I had an important experience of that this weekend. I have been contemplating dating a man I met recently who is a financially successful lobbyist, and we have many other interests aside from politics. The wining and dining is great, but when we're together, it is odd: he is always distracted by his cell, a meeting, not enough time, etc.
This weekend, another man, a very old friend, came to town...we've known each other 35 years (college). He came to my studio and asked about my work, and he was incredibly "present" with me. And you are right, it was a total and complete turn-on. Whoa!
The next day, I had dinner with the other man (the lobbyist) and he spent most of the time talking about how his recent ex-girlfriend is using a popular dating site and how her profile is full of lies, and that he ought to get his own profile on the site so he could compete in attracting new women (so what am I, chopped liver?). Not present at all. Big turn-off! We were supposed to go on a date this Saturday, to the ballet, but I cancelled it because I decided I would rather have my own precious company, than his....
So I just wanted to echo what you said, that presence is really "IT"! and my back-to-back experience of it, with these two men, absolutely convinced me of what I want, and do not want, in a relationship with a man. Thank you for your teachings, Maryanne!”
A few days later…
“Hi Maryanne, so interesting what happens when I choose me. I came home to find a huge box of flowers from my college friend. I'm sure that saying goodbye to that lobbyist was the best decision I've ever made.
Thank you...”
J..Alder, Nor Cal
Bottom line, ladies and gentlemen: when we don’t know who we are, what we want or have our priorities intact, we fall into the default loop that was programmed into our subconscious long ago. “I want someone handsome, tall, and strong; someone rich, who will take care of me, someone sexy who is great in le sac, etc.” At some point we start to realize these aren’t things that make a great relationship. Someone we thought was hot becomes really unattractive when their real character starts to show.
I have met too many people who, time and again, confess that the things they thought they wanted weren’t essential at all—or, at minimum, fell lower on the priority list than they once realized.
Perhaps rather than “hot and successful” being at the top of the list, you could alter it some and require that certain other qualities be immediately apparent:
Present
Kind
Interested
Honest
Generous
Purpose-driven
Attractive
Sensual, etc.
So, yes, make that list, but check it twice as the holidays approach. Do you really want someone naughty or do you want someone one who’s mostly nice (and maybe a little naughty only on special occasions)?
“I wanted to thank you also for your story about "presence" that you told at your talk recently at Open Secret Book Store in San Rafael. I had an important experience of that this weekend. I have been contemplating dating a man I met recently who is a financially successful lobbyist, and we have many other interests aside from politics. The wining and dining is great, but when we're together, it is odd: he is always distracted by his cell, a meeting, not enough time, etc.
This weekend, another man, a very old friend, came to town...we've known each other 35 years (college). He came to my studio and asked about my work, and he was incredibly "present" with me. And you are right, it was a total and complete turn-on. Whoa!
The next day, I had dinner with the other man (the lobbyist) and he spent most of the time talking about how his recent ex-girlfriend is using a popular dating site and how her profile is full of lies, and that he ought to get his own profile on the site so he could compete in attracting new women (so what am I, chopped liver?). Not present at all. Big turn-off! We were supposed to go on a date this Saturday, to the ballet, but I cancelled it because I decided I would rather have my own precious company, than his....
So I just wanted to echo what you said, that presence is really "IT"! and my back-to-back experience of it, with these two men, absolutely convinced me of what I want, and do not want, in a relationship with a man. Thank you for your teachings, Maryanne!”
A few days later…
“Hi Maryanne, so interesting what happens when I choose me. I came home to find a huge box of flowers from my college friend. I'm sure that saying goodbye to that lobbyist was the best decision I've ever made.
Thank you...”
J..Alder, Nor Cal
Bottom line, ladies and gentlemen: when we don’t know who we are, what we want or have our priorities intact, we fall into the default loop that was programmed into our subconscious long ago. “I want someone handsome, tall, and strong; someone rich, who will take care of me, someone sexy who is great in le sac, etc.” At some point we start to realize these aren’t things that make a great relationship. Someone we thought was hot becomes really unattractive when their real character starts to show.
I have met too many people who, time and again, confess that the things they thought they wanted weren’t essential at all—or, at minimum, fell lower on the priority list than they once realized.
Perhaps rather than “hot and successful” being at the top of the list, you could alter it some and require that certain other qualities be immediately apparent:
Present
Kind
Interested
Honest
Generous
Purpose-driven
Attractive
Sensual, etc.
So, yes, make that list, but check it twice as the holidays approach. Do you really want someone naughty or do you want someone one who’s mostly nice (and maybe a little naughty only on special occasions)?
What's fake about you?
By Maryanne Comaroto
Someone once (or twice) said, know thyself. Let’s see; the Oracle of Delphi, Jesus, well, heck, about everybody worth mentioning has some twist on it. Why? Most of us who have been in therapy, read numerous self-help books, etc., are left being mostly acutely aware of what is wrong with us and eventually head back to the barn (what’s familiar). There is only so much we can take. And those of us who hang in there still complain of the loneliness and austere life it seems the road less traveled requires. “To Hell with it!” we say, “Life is short and I need a reward for all this vigilance and self-examination, arrgh…pass the Kool-Aid.” So, we continue the search, now seeking elsewhere for guidance, and perhaps decide Popeye was right, “I am what I am” and get on with life.
If knowing the truth and ourselves is that much trouble, I can’t be bothered: I have bills to pay, mountains to climb, kids to feed, men to seduce (who will hopefully rescue me from it all), women to charm (who will hopefully distract me from my failures), pounds to lose, wrinkles to conquer, a legacy to leave so I can get to Happily Ever After already. So we ditch Buddha for Santa Claus (& Popeye) and keep looking for the secret. “Know thyself, ha!” we mutter and join the proverbial “if ya can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” crowd.
We manage to skate for a while on our latest distractions: a new love interest, new job, new cosmetic procedure, sudden influx of cash, new handbag or project. Yet the gap between how we act and who we are widens, and no matter what we tell ourselves, eventually the suffering returns, most of it silent. And we wonder why. So we up the dues: get more sex, more stuff, more money, more attention, better projects, a different house, another baby, another job, travel (that’s it! I need a vacation!), a face lift, a tummy tuck, lose 20 pounds, a younger wife, get another degree, REDECORATE for God’s sake… THIS IS AMERICA! The pursuit of happiness is my birthright!
Beneath the façade of fake smiles and the it’s all good story swells the raging sea of discontent, the cauldron of disappointment, chilled by terror and fueled by resentment that things are not different. This cocktail is lethal—we chase it down with envy and regret as the elusive dream slips further away.
According to scientists, our daily behavior is 90% subconscious. From years one to five a projection reel spliced with trauma, false beliefs and genetic inheritance has been cast upon our nubile brains: the reel continually spins out our reality, like the daily press, in predictable neural loops over our lifetime. It seems who we are is simply who someone else (“they”) told us to be. Most of us were duped and now are understandably pissed, as we find interrupting these patterns and uncovering who we really are feels like trying to stop a nose-diving 747 jet with a diaphragm.
You might cry, “Why do I pretend to be more than I am, have more than I have? Why do I feel that I am not enough, why don’t I want what I have, how come happiness escapes me, why do I believe that when I get (blank) everything will be okay, but that never seems to come?” The good news is, what is fake about you is NOT who you are! Who you are is magnificent, eternal, and unique. Yet until we know this true self we feel trapped in a life directed by an unconscious dictator, our subconscious beliefs and patterns.
While you may be tired, overwhelmed and have no bandwidth right now as survival is taking its toll, as my mother would say, “Don’t give up 5 minutes before the miracle.” Here is an exercise that may help you reignite your search for freedom of being, as well as put some pep back in your step—the energy it takes to pretend to be someone you are not, be fake, is extraordinary.
What’s fake about me? exercise
1. Get a piece of paper and write down all the things that are fake about you (you may burn after reading, of course). Examples might be that you are:
Fake skinny: you spend an inordinate amount of time watching your weight so that people will find you attractive or so you will feel loved or seen. You fear that if you were fat you would never be happy, popular, get a man, be loved or accepted.
Fake nice: you spend much of your time trying to make people like you, manipulating your circumstances by being nice so you can get what you want, while underneath you seethe with resentment or envy of those who don’t seem to care what others think.
Fake rich: you pretend to be successful, you have mortgaged your life so others will think you are a person of worth, you lease your car that you cannot afford, buy clothes to create a false image, live in a house beyond your means, etc.
You get the idea, go ahead and explore all the fake parts: fake smart, because you believe you need to know so you can hide your fear of being inept or stupid; fake pretty, in hopes of being perfect-looking so you can finally be important, special or loved; fake happy, because you know people don’t want to hear your problems and would never want to be around someone as depressed and messed up as you really feel. Fake straight, fake sexy, fake sensitive, fake caring, fake in control, fake good mom, fake happy marriage, fake great relationship, fake healthy, fake spiritual, and on and on. Let it out. You have an opportunity to relieve yourself of the burden of living this secret life by simply admitting it!
2. Be with it. Sit down with what’s fake about you and move deeper into it. Exaggerate it, even. Give it a voice. Let the fake part or parts have a turn telling you about themselves. You might be surprised at what they have to say!
3. Feel it. Whatever feeling or emotions come, let yourself have them. Like a wave, they will not hurt you; they will wash through you and heal you if you have the courage to feel them all the way. (It could be helpful to have an enlightened witness to share this part of the process with, someone you trust to your core.)
4. Allow it. Relaxing into this allowing, comes freedom. In the acceptance comes understanding and then compassion. Including all our parts allows us greater freedom of being. Developing unconditional love for ourselves expands our capacity for intimacy and joy.
5. Know this is not all of who you are. My teacher Kathy reminds me of this fact all the time. I feel relieved and all at once welcomed back to the human race and condition. We find our right size again. This perspective gives space for a sense of peace and well-being, room to breathe and dream forward your heart’s true desires again. Your soul shines, your authentic self is free to be!
Namasté and blessings, freedom seekers!
If you're in the San Francisco Bay Area, Maryanne is co-hosting a workshop that will teach you how to protect yourself emotionally AND physically. Watch a preview of what to expect here: http://tinyurl.com/ye2q6qy. Find out more info here: http://askmaryannelive.com
Someone once (or twice) said, know thyself. Let’s see; the Oracle of Delphi, Jesus, well, heck, about everybody worth mentioning has some twist on it. Why? Most of us who have been in therapy, read numerous self-help books, etc., are left being mostly acutely aware of what is wrong with us and eventually head back to the barn (what’s familiar). There is only so much we can take. And those of us who hang in there still complain of the loneliness and austere life it seems the road less traveled requires. “To Hell with it!” we say, “Life is short and I need a reward for all this vigilance and self-examination, arrgh…pass the Kool-Aid.” So, we continue the search, now seeking elsewhere for guidance, and perhaps decide Popeye was right, “I am what I am” and get on with life.
If knowing the truth and ourselves is that much trouble, I can’t be bothered: I have bills to pay, mountains to climb, kids to feed, men to seduce (who will hopefully rescue me from it all), women to charm (who will hopefully distract me from my failures), pounds to lose, wrinkles to conquer, a legacy to leave so I can get to Happily Ever After already. So we ditch Buddha for Santa Claus (& Popeye) and keep looking for the secret. “Know thyself, ha!” we mutter and join the proverbial “if ya can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” crowd.
We manage to skate for a while on our latest distractions: a new love interest, new job, new cosmetic procedure, sudden influx of cash, new handbag or project. Yet the gap between how we act and who we are widens, and no matter what we tell ourselves, eventually the suffering returns, most of it silent. And we wonder why. So we up the dues: get more sex, more stuff, more money, more attention, better projects, a different house, another baby, another job, travel (that’s it! I need a vacation!), a face lift, a tummy tuck, lose 20 pounds, a younger wife, get another degree, REDECORATE for God’s sake… THIS IS AMERICA! The pursuit of happiness is my birthright!
Beneath the façade of fake smiles and the it’s all good story swells the raging sea of discontent, the cauldron of disappointment, chilled by terror and fueled by resentment that things are not different. This cocktail is lethal—we chase it down with envy and regret as the elusive dream slips further away.
According to scientists, our daily behavior is 90% subconscious. From years one to five a projection reel spliced with trauma, false beliefs and genetic inheritance has been cast upon our nubile brains: the reel continually spins out our reality, like the daily press, in predictable neural loops over our lifetime. It seems who we are is simply who someone else (“they”) told us to be. Most of us were duped and now are understandably pissed, as we find interrupting these patterns and uncovering who we really are feels like trying to stop a nose-diving 747 jet with a diaphragm.
You might cry, “Why do I pretend to be more than I am, have more than I have? Why do I feel that I am not enough, why don’t I want what I have, how come happiness escapes me, why do I believe that when I get (blank) everything will be okay, but that never seems to come?” The good news is, what is fake about you is NOT who you are! Who you are is magnificent, eternal, and unique. Yet until we know this true self we feel trapped in a life directed by an unconscious dictator, our subconscious beliefs and patterns.
While you may be tired, overwhelmed and have no bandwidth right now as survival is taking its toll, as my mother would say, “Don’t give up 5 minutes before the miracle.” Here is an exercise that may help you reignite your search for freedom of being, as well as put some pep back in your step—the energy it takes to pretend to be someone you are not, be fake, is extraordinary.
What’s fake about me? exercise
1. Get a piece of paper and write down all the things that are fake about you (you may burn after reading, of course). Examples might be that you are:
Fake skinny: you spend an inordinate amount of time watching your weight so that people will find you attractive or so you will feel loved or seen. You fear that if you were fat you would never be happy, popular, get a man, be loved or accepted.
Fake nice: you spend much of your time trying to make people like you, manipulating your circumstances by being nice so you can get what you want, while underneath you seethe with resentment or envy of those who don’t seem to care what others think.
Fake rich: you pretend to be successful, you have mortgaged your life so others will think you are a person of worth, you lease your car that you cannot afford, buy clothes to create a false image, live in a house beyond your means, etc.
You get the idea, go ahead and explore all the fake parts: fake smart, because you believe you need to know so you can hide your fear of being inept or stupid; fake pretty, in hopes of being perfect-looking so you can finally be important, special or loved; fake happy, because you know people don’t want to hear your problems and would never want to be around someone as depressed and messed up as you really feel. Fake straight, fake sexy, fake sensitive, fake caring, fake in control, fake good mom, fake happy marriage, fake great relationship, fake healthy, fake spiritual, and on and on. Let it out. You have an opportunity to relieve yourself of the burden of living this secret life by simply admitting it!
2. Be with it. Sit down with what’s fake about you and move deeper into it. Exaggerate it, even. Give it a voice. Let the fake part or parts have a turn telling you about themselves. You might be surprised at what they have to say!
3. Feel it. Whatever feeling or emotions come, let yourself have them. Like a wave, they will not hurt you; they will wash through you and heal you if you have the courage to feel them all the way. (It could be helpful to have an enlightened witness to share this part of the process with, someone you trust to your core.)
4. Allow it. Relaxing into this allowing, comes freedom. In the acceptance comes understanding and then compassion. Including all our parts allows us greater freedom of being. Developing unconditional love for ourselves expands our capacity for intimacy and joy.
5. Know this is not all of who you are. My teacher Kathy reminds me of this fact all the time. I feel relieved and all at once welcomed back to the human race and condition. We find our right size again. This perspective gives space for a sense of peace and well-being, room to breathe and dream forward your heart’s true desires again. Your soul shines, your authentic self is free to be!
Namasté and blessings, freedom seekers!
If you're in the San Francisco Bay Area, Maryanne is co-hosting a workshop that will teach you how to protect yourself emotionally AND physically. Watch a preview of what to expect here: http://tinyurl.com/ye2q6qy. Find out more info here: http://askmaryannelive.com
Shame on - who?
Tiger Woods hits the front pages, and instead of fans cheering they’re reeling from his admission of foul play. Gasp! “Powerful men have a higher sex drive,” says one expert; “Men are just wired that way,” says another. “If women don’t want their men to stray, they need to turn up the passion in the bedroom.” And I say – Pleeeeze! We all know that men do not have a corner on the hormone market; the secret’s out and the facts are in, so enough with this foolishness—at least come up with something original.
Instead of acquiescing to what’s PC and getting on the oh-so-boring, poor, poor, sex-depraved male bandwagon, how about I direct your attention over here, to what I’m calling SI: Spiritual Incontinence. Defined: a sudden swift departure from one’s internal compass, brought about by the unconscious wound of separation. SI, I believe, is a malady that most of us who live in the western world not only suffer from but, ironically, subscribe to. We know what the high road is, and choose to submit to our lower nature, to hell with the consequences. And yes, I said choose.
It’s one thing to be broke and uneducated and thus make poor choices out of ignorance; it’s another to be out of integrity and behave abominably on purpose. You see, I am not a believer that people do the best they can; nope, I believe that people just do what they do. (And, in many cases, whatever they can get away with.) Unless you are a bona fide junkie, addicted to the rush of break-up and make-up, wake up and smell the truth:
First, being famous, powerful, rich or having a penis, in general, is not a precursor to infidelity or cheating. The difference between being a cheater and having cheated is gaping. If you don’t know the difference, bone up and grow up. There is no longer an excuse for not educating yourself unless you cannot read.
Second, women who choose to be in relationship with men who are cheaters do so because we are either afraid to be abandoned or alone, are financially dependent, are defined by a man wanting or loving us, or simply do not yet honor and respect ourselves. NOT because we love him and want to stand by our man. This is immature love and romanticized attachment. And if your man has moved from having cheated to being a cheater, he doesn’t need help. You do—get some, and some self-respect while you’re at it. You will be thrilled you did in the long run!
Third, do you know what one of women’s greatest strengths is? One of our greatest gifts? Our intuition. Use it or lose it. Look, we know! We see the red flags; we just …want what we want. We want handsome, tall, and strong/rich, powerful, and sexy/ hunky, artistic, etc., etc., guys who will sweep us off our feet and we’ll live happily ever after. We like the idea of love, not the reality. And I gotta tell you this; fantasy gets us into more trouble than just about anything. Slap yourself. Pay attention. Do your homework.
Very few men turn into cheaters who were not already cheaters of some kind. The writing is on the wall—read it OR pay the price. How much is your peace of mind, your soul, worth? I’ll bet Mr-pro-golfer’s wife is asking herself that right now. Heavy price to pay, I say!
And four and last (for now, anyway). Wanna stay a victim and a blamer, or embrace the path of a skilled relationship warrior goddess? Maybe it’s time to fan your inner flame, turn up the volume of your passionate heart, and say YES to what’s most sacred and NO to what is not. To deny any suitor who has not taken care to bow before the divine, honor women and children, to live by the code inscribed in their deepest core, whose life reflects this on and off the field! How about you…shame on who?
Great relationships begin within!
For more of Maryanne talking all things relationship, click here!
Instead of acquiescing to what’s PC and getting on the oh-so-boring, poor, poor, sex-depraved male bandwagon, how about I direct your attention over here, to what I’m calling SI: Spiritual Incontinence. Defined: a sudden swift departure from one’s internal compass, brought about by the unconscious wound of separation. SI, I believe, is a malady that most of us who live in the western world not only suffer from but, ironically, subscribe to. We know what the high road is, and choose to submit to our lower nature, to hell with the consequences. And yes, I said choose.
It’s one thing to be broke and uneducated and thus make poor choices out of ignorance; it’s another to be out of integrity and behave abominably on purpose. You see, I am not a believer that people do the best they can; nope, I believe that people just do what they do. (And, in many cases, whatever they can get away with.) Unless you are a bona fide junkie, addicted to the rush of break-up and make-up, wake up and smell the truth:
First, being famous, powerful, rich or having a penis, in general, is not a precursor to infidelity or cheating. The difference between being a cheater and having cheated is gaping. If you don’t know the difference, bone up and grow up. There is no longer an excuse for not educating yourself unless you cannot read.
Second, women who choose to be in relationship with men who are cheaters do so because we are either afraid to be abandoned or alone, are financially dependent, are defined by a man wanting or loving us, or simply do not yet honor and respect ourselves. NOT because we love him and want to stand by our man. This is immature love and romanticized attachment. And if your man has moved from having cheated to being a cheater, he doesn’t need help. You do—get some, and some self-respect while you’re at it. You will be thrilled you did in the long run!
Third, do you know what one of women’s greatest strengths is? One of our greatest gifts? Our intuition. Use it or lose it. Look, we know! We see the red flags; we just …want what we want. We want handsome, tall, and strong/rich, powerful, and sexy/ hunky, artistic, etc., etc., guys who will sweep us off our feet and we’ll live happily ever after. We like the idea of love, not the reality. And I gotta tell you this; fantasy gets us into more trouble than just about anything. Slap yourself. Pay attention. Do your homework.
Very few men turn into cheaters who were not already cheaters of some kind. The writing is on the wall—read it OR pay the price. How much is your peace of mind, your soul, worth? I’ll bet Mr-pro-golfer’s wife is asking herself that right now. Heavy price to pay, I say!
And four and last (for now, anyway). Wanna stay a victim and a blamer, or embrace the path of a skilled relationship warrior goddess? Maybe it’s time to fan your inner flame, turn up the volume of your passionate heart, and say YES to what’s most sacred and NO to what is not. To deny any suitor who has not taken care to bow before the divine, honor women and children, to live by the code inscribed in their deepest core, whose life reflects this on and off the field! How about you…shame on who?
Great relationships begin within!
For more of Maryanne talking all things relationship, click here!
