Maryanne Comaroto's Blog, page 4

Pro-life versus pro-dad

Let me start by saying that this is not a blog - it's a rant. I hope I can have your attention anyway, and I know that many of you will be able to relate to this. As someone who has been a single mother for more than a decade, this is an issue that is very important to me, so you'll forgive me if I use some strong language.

Associated Press reported recently that Scott Roeder was found guilty of first-degree, premeditated murder. His crime? Shooting Dr. George Tiller in the head, in the church where the doctor was serving as an usher. Roeder's excuse was that he was trying to save the lives of unborn children, whom he felt Tiller was responsible for terminating.

Needless to say, the jury found him guilty with very little deliberation, but that doesn't bring back what the Tiller family has lost. It's frustrating and infuriating to know that this family has to suffer so profoundly because of having lost someone in this way.

But let's put down our anger for a moment and look at the real reasons behind why things are the way they are, instead of directing our anger at the symptoms of the problem. If more men took the responsibility of sex seriously, and if more women would stop coaxing men into relationships by using sex as a pawn, perhaps the abortion rate would not be as high as it is. Sex is a responsibility, and it's a sacred act, not something to be taken without thought for the consequences. Being a parent is an eighteen-year job at the very least, and you have to accept that possibility if you want to play the game. Using abortion as birth control is a sign that we are not dealing with the fact that many people use sex as a means to an end.

Of course the reason we are attracted to each other is our species' need to procreate, but with all the absent fathers around (or not around), I don't think many people are aware of this fact.

So how about we come up with a new campaign? I propose the name, "America goes Pro-Dad." Imagine the news stories then:

Men all over the country are waking up and becoming aware of the immense responsibility that sex carries with it. As they see that a mother's role is to teach children how to honor, respect, and love themselves, they see where they must fit into the equation - teaching the children how to survive in the world, and how to get along with others. In this way, it is obvious that parents must work together to ensure that their children feel safe, respected, and cherished. A single mother on her own is lacking in the ability to provide everything a child needs on an emotional and physical level. Men and women are therefore coming to the conclusion that it is their joint responsibility to be honest when it comes to admitting their reasons for having sex. The result? Abortion rates have declined steadily, and are now at an all-time low.

Are you dating a man or a boy?

Your soggy bodies collapse beside each other, too depleted to even wipe away the beads of sweat swelling above your brow and trickling down into your ears. Your lover rolls off to one side of the bed feeling for a light: you turn and watch the embers at the end of the cigarette ignite, then gaze as he takes a long drag and exhales a vapor trail of smoke into the silence. “Ahhhhhh,” he speaks. “That was great!” You dreamily reply, “Yeah…Wow…that was…amazing!” He reaches over and rests his weary hand on your thigh, takes one last drag; you both lie quietly as the smoke disappears into the night. You gaze at his strong silhouette. He falls off to sleep as you drift off into visions of Happily Ever After…until…


Until you suddenly realize you’re not alone! That right now, at this very moment, there are between 40 to 600 million sperm fighting for their lives, swimming frantically upstream in your fallopian tubes, heading directly for your ovum. Each one determined they will be the one that succeeds in making you a little chubby bubby baby of your very own, that looks exactly like both of you! The alarm goes off inside your brain: Sheeeiiaaattt, did I take my birth control pill? I thought I did I. Didn’t I? or Holy crap what if that ring thing doesn’t work? or OMG, I don’t take birth control and we-didn’t-use-a-condom. WAAAH!


I guess there’s always the morning-after pill. Yeah, right, I can run down and get one of those…well, what if that doesn’t work? Uhhhmmm, okay, an abortion. I can always have an ABORTION? OH God, oh right! GOD…God please, please, please, don’t let me be pregnant, I swear if you do this for me, I, I…I won’t, I won’t…ever have sex again.” (Fingers crossed behind your back.) Funny how we can become intermittently religious, no?


The thing, is I love him, I mean I really like him or, I think he might be The One. Nine months later; perhaps a ring, maybe some wedding bells, who knows. One thing I do know is that the absent-father syndrome is rampant in our culture and, whether you loved each other or not, simply put; some men just leave. Don’t you think it makes sense to find out which kind of man you are about to invest you and your child’s future in? The kind of man that stays or the kind that leaves? The kind of man that thinks having sex is an awesome responsibility and believes they are as responsible as you are, no matter what happens? The kind of man that wants to be a father, that knows what that means—or, at the very least, will do their best to figure that out? Precisely when do you want to know the man you just had epic sex with is going to stay, to be a good father and keep his part of the bargain for the next 18-20-plus years? Before or after you get intimate? Here’s the thing: negotiating these life-changing details is next to impossible to do after the fact. I don’t care how cute or great in the sack you are. Time to find out if you’ve got yourself a boy, a guy or a man. When it comes to making babies, you’re going to need to know!


BOYZ!
Boy meets girl. ~ Boy wonders what she looks like naked.
Girl says hello. ~ Boy thinks, She wants me!
Girl says, “Call me.” ~ Boy suspects he could get laid.
Girl says yes to date. ~ Boy brings prophylactic.
Girl agrees to kiss. ~ Boy initiates second base.
Girl agrees to touch. ~ Boy negotiates mounting position.
Girl agrees to submit. ~ Boy is almost done.
Girl wants to snuggle. ~ Boy wants to leave.
Girl wants relationship. ~ Boy wants freedom.
Girl wants commitment. ~ Boy wants to meet another girl.

This scenario is likely an adolescent encounter, one in which neither boy nor girl has realized their own worth. But we also see this pattern repeated into adulthood by guyz and gals. Then looks something like this:

GUYZ!
Guy meets gal. ~ Guy wonders what gal looks like naked.
Gal smiles. ~ Guy knows she wants him.
Gal says “I’ll call you.” ~ Guy gives her his office voicemail JIC she’s a whacker.
Gal initiates meeting. ~ Guy picks Tuesday night for early drinks, JIC.
Gal imagines what their children will look like. ~ Guy hopes she doesn’t talk too much.
Gal negotiates sex. ~ Guy rehearses story for optimal quick departure.
Gal calls for days. ~ Guy thinks, I knew she was a whacker.
Gal is convinced all men are pigs. ~ Guy wonders if she wants to have sex again.

In that scenario the man/boy (looks like a man but acts like a boy) has not yet developed, psychologically or emotionally, much beyond puberty. His aptitude and skills have not matured enough to develop sustainable, long-term, mutually satisfying relationships. This unilateral relationship phenomenon is punctuated by his awareness of this fact and his unwillingness to tell you so.

MEN!
Man meets a woman. ~ Man wonders what she wants in life.
Woman responds warmly. ~ Man wonders if she is as open and capable as she seems.
Man extends invitation. ~ Woman accepts enthusiastically.
Woman tells man what she wants in life. ~ Man notices they want the same things.
Woman sees man’s actions are consistent with words. ~ Man develops respect.
Man opens his heart. ~ Woman drops her drawers.
Woman speaks her mind. ~ Man tells the truth.
Man and woman wake up and see what they can do to enhance each other’s lives!

Wanting sex is natural; wanting to touch, to be close, to be held—natural. As we evolve, however, it is also natural to move beyond narcissism, and include others’ feelings and needs into our field of reality. It is a matter of integrity, of value and worth—all concepts that come with emotional and psychological maturity. You become aware that we are on this planet together, on a path of growth. In the meantime, we all need be reminded, now and again, of the difference between boyz and men. Particularly when it comes to creating what we want in a relationship…with children or not!

The definitions of boyz, guyz, and men come from Chapter Six of Maryanne’s latest book, Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers. If you’d like some time-tested, practical tools for your Relationship Tool Belt, you can buy the book at www.maryannelive.com and learn how to turn your dream relationship into reality!

Addictive Relationships

The Greeks had five words to describe the different levels of love: eros, passionate love, essential desire and longing, romantic love; philia, friendship, loyalty; storge, natural affection; agape, selfless giving; and thelema, desire or will to do something. In the English language we have many states of feeling that describe different elements of love: idolization, affection, devotion, worship, infatuation, lust, passion and rapture. None of which are synonyms for love, as we only have the one word for that, love itself. My husband and I, who have spent an inordinate amount of time mulling over the finer points of love’s various meanings, have come up with our own adaptation that was part of our sacred marriage vows: I want what you want for yourself.


Then there is another subcategory of love we Westerners recognize as being “in love.” It’s a kind of “objective” love: the state in which we project our affection onto another person and vice versa, which evolves into a more mature version, characterized as an act of giving without expectation, i.e. respect, affection, adoration, etc.
And then (I could go on and on down that rabbit hole, but won’t) there’s the growing phenomenon of addiction. According to the current DSM manual, relationship addiction falls under the category of process addiction, which means it’s behavior-related. Webster’s defines it as the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice, or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming to such an extent that its sensation causes trauma (an emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to a person’s psychological development, often leading to neurosis). As opposed to the etymological definition, addictio, meaning to surrender to, or a giving over of. No matter how you slice it, addictive relationship or love is in a class all by itself, and when unattended can lead us into some real dark and potentially dangerous places for everyone involved!


I believe what the brilliant author and spiritual leader Thomas Moore asserts: that most addictive behavior is a misinterpretation or distortion of our soul’s longing. And have come to notice over the years that when we don’t really know who we are, what we want and what we feel, we don’t know what we need. We are far more likely to succumb to those potentially destructive, unconscious, programmed behaviors we learned as kids to temporarily alleviate or quench those longings. Behaviors we adopted as a means to comfort ourselves, in particular the ones closely associated with being externally referenced that fall into the “object love” category—which many times sets us up for addictive relationships when unchecked.


Repetitious behavior in and of itself is not inherently bad; we count on some of our repetitive behaviors to create success. It’s when repetitious behavior is deleterious or destructive that we need to be concerned. At which point, if we can catch it, we have an invitation for self-inquiry and deeper examination. We can take an investigative look at what we really long for or need. Then we can choose conscious, healthy ways of giving ourselves just that, so we can avoid harming ourselves and anyone else any further.


I know, how boring! Bring me the drama, I like the bad boys and the tortured souls, it’s so much more interesting and fun. Maybe…temporarily. I would argue that in the long run it’s depleting and soul-sucking, and often proves to be dangerous. If you think you might be one of the hundreds of thousands of people affected by relationship addiction each year, here’s a quiz that may help you tell:


Do you feel a kind of high when this person calls or makes contact with you?
Does your attraction seem somehow bigger than you?
Do you feel agitated or restless when you don’t know where they are?
Is there a sense of the forbidden in the relationship?
Do you find yourself doing (or not doing) things you normally would (or would not) with this person?
Have you found yourself increasingly rationalizing their actions or behavior?
Do you feel more insecure or suspicious than usual, in this relationship?
Do you find yourself trying to be sexier, more accommodating or agreeable, in hopes of holding this person’s interest?
Does this person display behaviors and values that you find dissimilar to your own?
Do you know deep inside that this person isn’t right for you, but something keeps you there?
Do you feel empty or ultimately unfulfilled by this person and the relationship as time has gone by?
Has the relationship negatively affected any of your other relationships with children, family or friends?
Do you, despite knowing the relationship is unhealthy or even a dangerous relationship addiction, keep finding reasons to stay?

Admitting some of these things to ourselves can be very uncomfortable, never mind make you feel incredibly vulnerable. There is usually a great degree of silent shame felt by many of us who are in or have had an addictive kind of relationship experience. The flip side is, sometimes admitting that can be a relief.
Awareness is key, and a good first step if you suspect you are in a addictive relationship. And I applaud you for having the courage to look.

To you, I would say: keep your eyes open and maybe start a journal. More will be revealed. Denial is the real threat, so watch for your tendency to start rationalizing unacceptable behavior. Depression is another sign that we might be in an addictive relationship. The highs and lows start to wear on you, and you’re just not yourself these days. Now the good in the relationship is starting to be outweighed by the bad. Whatever the case, beating yourself up or heading for the Haagen Dasz isn’t going to help. If you suspect your dependent relationship might be heading towards an addictive one, there are a great many people and organizations dedicated to helping men and women deal with addictive relationships and patterns that can support you in getting you and your love life back on track! You can try your local chapter of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous for starters.

Setting the stage for success in 2010

At the beginning of 2009, I made a couple of very sincere resolutions: I wanted to slow down the pace of my life and lighten up about things, and I wanted to work on being less judgmental. It sounds like a short list, but for someone like me who tends to overdo the vigilance... these were actually quite difficult tasks to tackle.

It's pretty sobering to read statistics showing that only 40% of people who set resolutions actually reach their targets. It seems that if you want to get to your destination, you'd better have a really good plan for getting there! Sitting down and making resolutions is a useful ritual in itself, a way for us to assess and temporarily deal with the things in our lifestyles that we want to change. But if you want to see those changes actually manifest, it helps to be armed with some useful tips!

1. Learn from last year. Think about what happened the last time you set resolutions. How did that work out? If you didn't quite get there, think about why. Knowing what you did right or wrong last time can be key in figuring out what techniques to try next.

2. Make sure the fire is hot. The more you want something, the more likely you are to do whatever it takes to get it. If you choose a lot of resolutions that you're not really committed to, it will most likely show in your effort level. If you really want something, then you'll feel that fire when you think about succeeding.

3. Visible reminders are important. Make a list, and post it somewhere. Tape notes in strategic places. Anything you can do to remind yourself what you're aiming for will help. You can even set alarms on your phone!

4. Tell the world! No one is an island, and this is a great opportunity to share your goals with your closest friends. Having a support network is important if you want to succeed, so now's a great time to get together with people and make your intentions known. Your friends can also double as cheerleaders!

5. Set up checkpoints. Designate some dates, maybe every three months, or even every month, to check in with yourself and see how things are going. Assess, adjust if necessary, and give yourself a pat on the back.

6. Get back on track. If your checkpoint assessment got you feeling down, remind yourself that none of us is perfect, and perfection was never your goal! This is an exercise in directing yourself toward better habits, and the process is rarely linear. Don't be angry with yourself - negative self-talk leads to low mood, which leads to self-loathing... don't even start down that road.

7. Set up a reward system. Having something to aim for will really help keep you energized about your goals. Sure, reaching the goal is a reward in itself, but enjoying all the benefits is even sweeter. Wouldn't it be great to plan a hiking trip with the family to celebrate your new higher level of fitness?

If you've been wondering about how I did with my own resolutions in 2009, well, I think it's gone really positively. I have been less judgmental, and I've been doing my best to be more laid back and not take things so seriously. At this very moment, I'm sitting in Carmel Valley with my husband and our dog, and we're enjoying a beautiful view of the ocean. So now we're going to head out for a long walk to reward ourselves for all our good work in 2009.

In the San Francisco Bay Area? Make plans to attend Maryanne's free self-defense classes which teach participants how to protect themselves emotionally AND physically. More information at http://askmaryannelive.com.

Open Holiday Letter

Tis the season to count our blessings, no doubt, many of us having experienced (or brushed close) to so much mayhem and madness in 2009. Yet one gift stands out from the rest of our many blessings this year.

As our iconic culture winds towards its inevitable halt, we scramble to redefine our lives, reclaim our values and reprioritize what’s really important. It seems Love really and truly is in the air. A new kind of humanity is emerging from the ashes, people gathering together as we leave behind the ME generation for the greater WE, learning its song as we clear away the wreckage and join hands for a better tomorrow, right now! And what could be more delicious than fulfilling our heart’s greatest desires…together?
 
Someone once said music is what happens in between the notes. I say the collective soul is writing a new song! Each of us is bringing our unique gifts and genius, ready to celebrate the freedom of being we have fought for, free to create a world that reflects what is in our hearts and imaginations, bridging at last heaven and earth.
 
I am grateful to many who have accompanied me on this part of the journey, my own little expression of joy and service to help end human suffering one broken heart at a time. Love to the Great Divine, love to all who have helped us extend our reach, love to those of you who have sought to ease your own suffering. Love to you who seek to know and love yourself, Love to all who are in service to the greater good, Love to you who still seek, who are frightened or feel alone. Love to anyone with a song in your heart you wish to sing, and to all who share in our passion to awaken and live in alignment with our highest selves. Love to you who have joined our effort, who have listened, who have written, who have learned with us, who continue to reach for the stars as we trek the road less travelled together! We are so blessed and have come so far because of you and your support!!! 
 
I am blessed on this journey to be in such amazing company. Looking forward to a glorious 2010!

“Ask Maryanne” will be back with bells on in 2010!
 
Love and hugs,

Maryanne Comaroto
www.maryannelive.com
Great relationships begin within!

STDs for the Holidays?

Hi Maryanne,

I'm having some very painful times right now, due to not following your really great advice in your workshop…I wondered if I could ask you something? I'm having a bit of an ethical dilemma.

A friend set me up with this man, a well-known philanthropist; we’ll call him Giles Dawson. Because my girlfriend vetted him, so to speak, and because I spent some time with him and began to trust him, I decided to spend the night with him. I mentioned using a condom, and he said, "I've been tested, I am healthy." Stupid, stupid me. A few days later I got a virulent herpes infection, and I've never, ever had an STD or even a yeast infection. I am paying big time now. When I confronted him he refused to let me see the results of the said tests, or let my doctor have access to them. Speaks volumes, albeit in Hindsight!
I am heartbroken. And here is the most hilarious part: I gave my goddaughter your book and sent her off to college with a raft of condoms. But evidently her godmother (me) is not bright enough to use them herself!!! JEEZ!!!

Here is my ethical dilemma. I'm a professional musician. My friend who introduced us, Ariel, a fellow musician, is having a big concert at a venue owned by this man. Ariel’s partner Chris will also be performing there. Chris is pretty famous in the music industry and this is my professional community. Being tight friends, they will expect me to come. And, as much as I would like to show up on opening night and write Giles Dawson gives herpes on the wall of the bathroom in bright red lipstick, I'm not going to.

Here's my dilemma: should I contact my friend Ariel, and say, hey, thanks for setting me up w/Giles, but you should not send any other women his way, and I can't/won't say more for ethical reasons? My therapist says I should not say anything at all. But I want to protect other women. What do you think?

Thank you for your help,

Caroline, the idiot

Caroline,

So, first, my heart goes out to you! I know how incredibly painful it can be to go from feeling hopeful that you have FINALLY met The One, to being annihilated with some turn of events that reveal this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Second, I hear how hard you have been trying to practice all the tools in your CORR® relationship tool belt, and what immediately comes to mind is the story that illustrates so poignantly how growth and healing is a process:

The lady walking down the street falls into a hole. Shocked and horrified (and banged up) she pulls herself out and vows never to do this again. Next day, lady walking down the street, forgets the hole is there and, yep, falls in again—but this time she remembers how to get out and quickly brushes herself off, licks her wounds, and vows to watch where she is going in the future. Same lady walking down the street, sees the hole, falls in anyway, OY, skulks out, ashamed and embarrassed, realizing she may need to be even more vigilant, much to her surprise and dismay (“Why, oh why, does this have to be so hard?” she cries). Finally, lady walking down the street sees the hole, walks around it, pats herself on the back—then decides, hmm, maybe she will take a different street next time!

As for vetting, I am sorry you had to learn this particular lesson in such a dramatic, harsh and painful way. As unfortunate as it is, we cannot assume that because someone endorses someone, they have done all the investigative homework for you. For many reasons, that’s almost never the case; and, as you can see, it’s a potentially dangerous way of qualifying a candidate for intimacy. One stand-out reason: your friends would probably never have had a reason to screen someone they knew socially and professionally for STDs or HIV. Another, almost as important: they wouldn’t likely be privy to his private affairs beyond what this man wanted them to know, particularly given his fairly public persona. Finding these things out, I am afraid to say, is always your responsibility, as you now see so clearly.

Even so, it’s not enough to simply ask the 14 questions I have outlined in Hindsight, What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers, plus your own. We must wait and see if this person’s life reflects the integrity they claim. Getting physically intimate too soon makes this very difficult, as chemistry distorts reality in some critical ways. Therefore, we must take care to slow down, pause, control our urges. We need to quench our own longing to be validated, to be held and share our sacred selves, until we find our suitor has integrity and is a capable, skilled partner who shares our same values and ideals. In other words, we must do our homework! There is still no guarantee. For example, Giles in another version of this story may not even have known he was infected—these things can sometimes happen. In this case his subsequent behavior illustrated, loud and clear, the level of deceit you were dealing with.

The good news: I would like to remind you that for every unconscious interaction that touches us deeply, there is a conscious opportunity to love ourselves, to grow and to pick up our tools and practice-practice-practice on our journey towards mastery. And in answer to your ethical dilemma, I believe the only question one ever need ask in regards to how to behave towards another is, after some genuine self-inquiry and soulful contemplation, what will you, a loving child of the Divine, do with this next, right now?

Here are some suggestions:

The ego cleanse:
Take several feet of construction paper and cover every mirror in your house for three days. Instead of looking in the mirror, i.e. the outside world, for validation, build the inner muscle. Who are you, according to your highest self? What are your gifts, your strengths, the qualities that make you uniquely you? Then get some colored markers (you’re an artist), paint some self-portraits, write down all your favorite quotes. Surround yourself with beauty and wisdom, and you will see how quickly you can move back to your center of being internally referenced!!

Heal, deal, and feel:

Create a clearing ceremony and invite a few very close friends. Write down everything you want to let go of, what you want to heal, and make a ritual out of doing it. Collect some of your favorite music, find a sacred space, and bring all four elements to the party. Fire, water, earth, and air, and let spirit help release your burden. Turn this lemon into the best damn lemonade you have ever tasted!

Cleanse your sexual palate:

Wondering what the hurry was to sleep with this man? Clearly, his actions and words didn’t match. You mentioned you began to trust him: you may want to look at that. Trust is established over time, and is a result of people saying what they mean and doing what they say consistently. Did you have a chance to meet his ex-girlfriends or ask about his relationship history? How much time does it take for your trust to deepen? How many licks to get to the center of your lollipop…as it were? And you may ask yourself, where are you deceiving yourself? Take 6 or 9 months (which may seem like forever, but you’re worth it) and be sex-free. See how you behave on dates, what kind of men you attract and what comes up for you! It was one of the best gifts I ever gave myself, especially if a certain someone has left a bad taste in your proverbial mouth.

Be gentle with yourself. As you come back to your loving center, you’ll know the appropriate actions to take. I am here if you have more questions.

To watch Maryanne talking more about the importance of knowing yourself and checking in with your body, watch her here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C-EaoJ...

Prepping for the holidays - mentally and emotionally

By Maryanne Comaroto

Like Ram Das says: You want to see how together you are, go spend some time with your family! This sentiment is particularly apt during the holidays, when emotions run high and painful memories are easily triggered. Especially if this holiday things are different than you would like them to be: i.e. you’re single (again), newly divorced, bringing someone home your family can’t stand, or maybe you simply dread the same old story your family dynamics dose on when you get together.

Here are a few tips that can help you face whatever may come with more confidence and grace than you'd imagined…

* Embrace "what is"~ This is the quick way to holiday enlightenment! The sooner you accept people and things the way they are and not the way you want them to be, the more likely you are to experience some real joy! While this is no easy pill to swallow when you are feeling lonely, rejected, or not up for going a few rounds with your family, this truth will set you free. Try it; it’s the perfect gift to give this season.

* Right-size your expectations~ If you're aren't quite ready to accept things the way they are, your next best bet is to curtail your expectations some. Try this (always works for me). Find someone less fortunate than yourself and do something wonderful for them. It’s a sure way to get an additional perspective. Sometimes we can get so righteous or stuck in our story we don't leave any room for something different or magical to happen. The spirit of giving will soften your grinchy glare and open your heart up. ‘Tis the season to cut some slack. Plenty of time for therapy and analyzing everything and everyone come the new year!

* Walk a mile in their shoes~ Refuse to participate in certain members of your family's antics, or can’t possibly stomach your ex flaunting his “new and improved you” all over tinsel town when you're still obscenely alone? Try a shot of compassion. While this is not easy, especially for novices (‘cause you have to actually care enough to take a moment and walk a mile in their shoes), in most cases it helps us take the edge off. Understanding that being human is complicated, and that we are all frightened and fragile whether we show it or not, helps ease the burden of needing everyone (including ourselves) to be perfect.

* Stage fright~ Are you the type that thinks of the right thing to say or do after the fact? Like, you think of what you should have said, but freeze up and blank out and end up a mess? Then you need to rehearse your lines! Doesn't matter who you are, when we are upset we don't think clearly. No matter what awaits you, try and do a dress rehearsal so you can be prepared for anything. Write it down and carry it with you so you don't get blindsided. And practice all the way there, and maybe even the day before if you have to. “No, Uncle Bart, I am not drinking right now. Thank you.” or “That's lovely; I wish you both every happiness!” or “Congratulations on your new part in the upcoming porn film, I am sure you'll be a great success.”

* Let the train go down the track~ Need to make an appearance because it’s the right thing to do and aren't interested in feeling, dealing or healing, or even saying the right thing right now (you know what they did, they know what they did, period)? I always say, when there's a train coming down the track, get out of the way. Take a few deep breaths, count to ten, get something to eat, help in the kitchen, make call to someone who can help calm you down; and if that doesn't work, excuse yourself, go straight to the bathroom, and re-group. Before you say or do something you will regret, remind yourself like a mantra, “Why should you always take the high road? Because that's the kind of person you are.” Otherwise, leave town and send a Christmas card.

* Have a pity party~ Speaking of leaving town: you might be fed up, feel the urge to fall apart, say the wrong thing, make a scene, behave badly, act inappropriately for the first time in your life, storm off and leave, or just stay in bed and wait for January. I say, let yourself have it. Maybe what you need is a little pity party. Go for it. Pick a start time and an end time and go for it. Maybe letting yourself feel what you've been stuffing is in order. Maybe you need to attend to some of what’s bottled up before it causes more damage to you or anyone else. Heck, you could invite some friends and just have a big negative merge! Who knows, it may be just what the doctor ordered.

* Do overs~ If I feel like I can’t pull it together, or am unable to say something tactfully or gracefully, am intolerant, or simply full of crap and can’t get out of my own way, I ask for a “do over.” I attempt the right behavior, but if I can’t get it right, I will say something like "That didn't come out right, I am so sorry, can we try that again?" Or “Maybe it’s better if we talk about this another time.” Then there's always Plan B. I leave and try again next year… Give yourself permission to do what you have to do to take care of yourself!!

Bottom line: during the holidays, there is no more pain to be felt than at any other time of year. According to John James’ “Grief Recovery Handbook,” this is a fact. There are simply many visible associations with painful memories that keep us trapped in our habitual thinking. If we can remember that we are all connected, that most of us are doing the best we can, and that most of the pain and suffering we experience is a projection, we are less likely to take things personally and more prone to create connection rather than greater separation!

Avoid a mystical hangover this holiday season – watch Maryanne's advice from author Roger Housden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdTTLA...

Shame on - who?

Tiger Woods hits the front pages, and instead of fans cheering they’re reeling from his admission of foul play. Gasp! “Powerful men have a higher sex drive,” says one expert; “Men are just wired that way,” says another. “If women don’t want their men to stray, they need to turn up the passion in the bedroom.” And I say – Pleeeeze! We all know that men do not have a corner on the hormone market; the secret’s out and the facts are in, so enough with this foolishness—at least come up with something original.

Instead of acquiescing to what’s PC and getting on the oh-so-boring, poor, poor, sex-depraved male bandwagon, how about I direct your attention over here, to what I’m calling SI: Spiritual Incontinence. Defined: a sudden swift departure from one’s internal compass, brought about by the unconscious wound of separation. SI, I believe, is a malady that most of us who live in the western world not only suffer from but, ironically, subscribe to. We know what the high road is, and choose to submit to our lower nature, to hell with the consequences. And yes, I said choose.

It’s one thing to be broke and uneducated and thus make poor choices out of ignorance; it’s another to be out of integrity and behave abominably on purpose. You see, I am not a believer that people do the best they can; nope, I believe that people just do what they do. (And, in many cases, whatever they can get away with.) Unless you are a bona fide junkie, addicted to the rush of break-up and make-up, wake up and smell the truth:

First, being famous, powerful, rich or having a penis, in general, is not a precursor to infidelity or cheating. The difference between being a cheater and having cheated is gaping. If you don’t know the difference, bone up and grow up. There is no longer an excuse for not educating yourself unless you cannot read.

Second, women who choose to be in relationship with men who are cheaters do so because we are either afraid to be abandoned or alone, are financially dependent, are defined by a man wanting or loving us, or simply do not yet honor and respect ourselves. NOT because we love him and want to stand by our man. This is immature love and romanticized attachment. And if your man has moved from having cheated to being a cheater, he doesn’t need help. You do—get some, and some self-respect while you’re at it. You will be thrilled you did in the long run!

Third, do you know what one of women’s greatest strengths is? One of our greatest gifts? Our intuition. Use it or lose it. Look, we know! We see the red flags; we just …want what we want. We want handsome, tall, and strong/rich, powerful, and sexy/ hunky, artistic, etc., etc., guys who will sweep us off our feet and we’ll live happily ever after. We like the idea of love, not the reality. And I gotta tell you this; fantasy gets us into more trouble than just about anything. Slap yourself. Pay attention. Do your homework.

Very few men turn into cheaters who were not already cheaters of some kind. The writing is on the wall—read it OR pay the price. How much is your peace of mind, your soul, worth? I’ll bet Mr-pro-golfer’s wife is asking herself that right now. Heavy price to pay, I say!

And four and last (for now, anyway). Wanna stay a victim and a blamer, or embrace the path of a skilled relationship warrior goddess? Maybe it’s time to fan your inner flame, turn up the volume of your passionate heart, and say YES to what’s most sacred and NO to what is not. To deny any suitor who has not taken care to bow before the divine, honor women and children, to live by the code inscribed in their deepest core, whose life reflects this on and off the field! How about you…shame on who?

Great relationships begin within!

For more of Maryanne talking all things relationship, click here!

Relationship sickening

Most of us don’t have to think to hard to conjure injurious feelings about a relationship gone bad. And while the pain and grief due to botched relationship vary from one individual to the next, we need to explore our baseline beliefs about everything rather than jump to overly simplistic ideology. “My relationship ended, it felt bad and now I am sick because of it,” is precisely the kind of unexamined thinking and superficial generalization that spins us into imbalance in most cases.

For example, most of us don’t take into account how we arrived to relationship. Did we come healthy and balanced? Did we know who we were, what we wanted, were we purpose-driven and spiritually and emotionally actualized? Did we know how to sleep alone, be alone, fulfill our needs ourselves, and understand that we are responsible at all times for our own reality? Had we taken care to understand the complexity of human emotions and feelings and how to maintain inner peace and harmony BEFORE we met our beloved ~ would they have thrust the blade, turned it and left us for dead? I suspect, should you honestly ask yourself these questions, I think not.

Rather, most of us sidle up to our relationship candidates, seducer or seductress in full force, selling some version of ourselves we find acceptable and hopefully loveable so as to better secure our hostage. The person that will make it all better, soften life’s hardships, ease our fear, anxiety, help lift our depression etc, in exchange for ~ well, whatever we sell it for. How much do we pay to have someone comfort us in the night because we are afraid to be alone, to walk our path alone; to have someone hear us, see us, love us, accept us, celebrate us? We rarely think of this, as we are seduced ourselves into the story of Happily Ever After, hopefully swept into bliss where we can hide or be transformed there, rather than in the suffocating truth of aloneness.

Yes, we are safe from many ailments in relationship for a while, but most of us come to find, “wherever you go, there you are.” Eventually, whether in relationship or not, whatever shadows you have run from/tried to camouflage or hide/temporarily derailed/quelled return. Only, oddly, we look at our partner and think they now are the culprit! The relationship ends and we pick up where we left off. The same anxiety returns, the depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, etc., etc. Our symptoms multiply in the wee hours of the night when we are unable to distract ourselves, until perhaps we manifest an ailment we can point at and say, “Look at this, I am alone, therefore I am ill and out of balance!” Round we go chasing our tail (or tale), not quite seeing that it is alone we must be to know we are never alone ~ it is with ourselves we must know who we are and not. It is in our own presence that we must ultimately embrace the truth; that the wound of separation, when not seen for what it is, keeps us “Chasing Amy” (illusions) and never knowing the freedom, balance or joy that is available in sickness and health, until death do you part.

November 27, 2009
To see Maryanne talking about the need to “go where you're frightened,” watch this video!

Five Myths of Male Behavior

By Maryanne Comaroto

Here are what I consider to be the top five male mating myths:


1. All the good ones are taken
2. A man’s penis has a mind of its own
3. All men only want one thing
4. Men are dogs
5. Good guys are boring


So let's start at the beginning:


All the good ones are taken

Let’s start with the word ALL. Right away, this sweeping generalization has to tip you off to the fact that’s it not even possible to get around to all 3.4 billion members of the male population to test this ridiculous yet popular notion. Instead, this is an idea conjured from a deeply lacking mentality. I have never believed this. Rather, I thought “So many men, so little time.” And so it was true for me. Energy flows where attention goes, right? So maybe you need to switch up your internal chitchat. Remember, water seeks its own level—like attracts like! OUCH, I know, that stings, and sucks to be with. You may want to consider that perhaps your belief that there are no great ones available is simply a clever way to avoid looking at who you are being and why you attract the kind of men you do. Man up, ladies and take a good look in the mirror. You may not like what you see, but know this—until you do, in the long run, neither will anyone else!

A man’s penis has a mind of its own

Really. This may be the world’s oldest excuse for men behaving badly. Want proof? Set up an interview with one (a penis, that is). I think you’ll find your subject disappointing, aside from one rather impressive calisthenic move. Bring a tape recorder in case you’re the one person in history that will get one to talk instead of drool. Be reminded, ladies, of the definition of mind: That which is responsible for one’s thoughts and feelings; the seat of the faculty of reason.” Should any man want to argue that his penis is the seat of his faculty of reason, RUN!

All men only want one thing

That’s so insulting, not to mention untrue. Donald, my fish, wants more than that. Think about it. If it were true, men would never get into relationships, never marry; heck, never leave their houses, and Vaseline stock would be worth billions. Yes, men love sex, most people do—but don’t sell yourself short.

It may very well be that you have learned (as many women do) to value that most about yourself, and therefore attract men who place that extremely high on their priority list. Again, go to the mirror. What do you value most about yourself –really? What do you believe? The man you attract will simply reflect this belief. How much time and energy do you spend trying to be attractive and alluring? Get a handle on your beliefs and check in with your archetypal seductress; maybe it’s time to re-group, re-prioritize and re-think what you’re putting out there. Lead with sexy, get sex. Lead with your magnificent, authentic, sacred self and, believe it, you’re 100 times more likely to attract the same!

Men are dogs

If you approach any man thinking he’s a dog or someone to be trained, you are in trouble. Relationships are challenging for most of us under the best of circumstances; don’t make it harder by starting out at a deficit, holding anyone you’re interested in such low regard rather than in their highest light. Great relationships require a huge deal of respect to make it over the long haul. If you suspect the person you are with to be operating out of their lower nature, move on. It’s the loving thing to do. We don’t need to pause and let them know what we think needs to be improved, or (in detail) how we feel about the way they are choosing to be. Just notice that it doesn’t jive with what you want for yourself in a partner and respectfully—GO. A great definition of Love I recently heard: Let others voluntarily evolve. WOOF!

Good guys are boring!

Yeah, if you’re a drama junkie. Well, are you? My mother, God bless her, said something to me I have never forgotten. I made the mistake of telling her I was bored once, when I was probably 10 or 11. She smiled and looked squarely at my little face and said simply, “Well, honey, if you’re bored, you’re boring.” I don’t think I’ve been bored a moment since. My mother taught me the lesson of a lifetime; that I am the only person responsible for my delight, my joy, my entertainment and happiness. That the party is wherever I am. I will always be grateful. So many of us women think it’s a man’s job to manage our emotional thermostat. If you want romance, take a bath and light some candles, buy yourself some chocolate or flowers. And while you’re at it, you might want to take a hard look at your relationship history and patterns and explore your love imprint. Saying all men are boring is overly simplistic, and you may miss out on someone who is a sleeper, someone who just needs a while to warm up. Happy trails!

Don't forget, Maryanne's FREE emotional and physical self-defense workshop is this weekend – Sunday, November 1-3 in Marin County, CA. For more info, see http://askmaryannelive.com