Maryanne Comaroto's Blog
January 7, 2011
Are there signs 2011 will be better than 2010?
“Maybe…”
I saw a Brinks truck parked in front of my favorite local market again today, for the third time this week. Yet I didn't have the compulsion to think it was some sort of sign, the way I've been thinking about how a rat I saw running in front of my car must be a sign. The odds of seeing this truck 3 times in a row compared to the fact that there are countless thousands of rats living in proximity should be compelling enough, right? But it wasn’t, for some reason, and felt like a stretch, a hard sell despite the favorable odds. Which only made me intensely curious about my reluctance to indulge one and not the other.
Particularly because if I did consider the truck “a sign” I would likely see it as a sign of abundance or good fortune or perhaps money flowing into my life; still, I wasn’t convinced. I was instead more inclined to believe that some rat who ran out in front of my car was in some way a mystical and important message for me.
Given that I don’t know how this all works exactly, I am not trained as a medicine healer and am simply a novice at reading my own signs and clearly struggling with that, I paused to consider more deeply why seeing the rat conjured such a reflexive and almost loyal inquiry whereas the Brinks truck I seemed able to easily dismiss. And then took another moment to review the possible meanings for the Rat, I had quick access to such as sensitivity to the environment, ie: knowing when danger is coming as they are historically the first ones to literally abandon ship; adaptability; and self assurance, hoping an answer would appear. But it did not. Any of the vague implications could have applied, yet not one rang truer than any other or “gave me chills” as they say. No more as it turns out when I thought about it than what I might have understood the Brinks truck to mean.
While this example is hardly a scientific hypothesis, it’s my attempt at trying to understand and maybe explain this otherwise psychological maelstrom: What in me, inside any of us, sorts and determines value and meaning? And why, oh why, does it seem so terribly indiscriminate and prejudiced? Why are any of us more inclined to believe certain things a particular way sometimes and not or less at others? This mechanism or way of thinking, and awareness (or lack thereof) and how it affects us has fascinated me most of my life.
Then amidst my tenacious, heady inquiry, one of my favorite Zen stories popped in my head, Thank God, which took me right out of my fear. A story which flawlessly illuminates the beauty, perfection, irony and paradox which both the Rat and the Brinks truck led me too.
Once upon a time there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.
“Maybe,” the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.
“Maybe,” replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy for his misfortune.
“Maybe,” answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
“Maybe,” said the farmer.
What keeps us balanced in the center of our paradoxical path, no matter how much we sway to one side or the other, wake up or fall asleep, is our daily practice of self-inquiry. Like I always say, Great relationships begin within.
Take your soul for a stroll and join us at www.maryannelive,com as we
bring in the New Year!
I saw a Brinks truck parked in front of my favorite local market again today, for the third time this week. Yet I didn't have the compulsion to think it was some sort of sign, the way I've been thinking about how a rat I saw running in front of my car must be a sign. The odds of seeing this truck 3 times in a row compared to the fact that there are countless thousands of rats living in proximity should be compelling enough, right? But it wasn’t, for some reason, and felt like a stretch, a hard sell despite the favorable odds. Which only made me intensely curious about my reluctance to indulge one and not the other.
Particularly because if I did consider the truck “a sign” I would likely see it as a sign of abundance or good fortune or perhaps money flowing into my life; still, I wasn’t convinced. I was instead more inclined to believe that some rat who ran out in front of my car was in some way a mystical and important message for me.
Given that I don’t know how this all works exactly, I am not trained as a medicine healer and am simply a novice at reading my own signs and clearly struggling with that, I paused to consider more deeply why seeing the rat conjured such a reflexive and almost loyal inquiry whereas the Brinks truck I seemed able to easily dismiss. And then took another moment to review the possible meanings for the Rat, I had quick access to such as sensitivity to the environment, ie: knowing when danger is coming as they are historically the first ones to literally abandon ship; adaptability; and self assurance, hoping an answer would appear. But it did not. Any of the vague implications could have applied, yet not one rang truer than any other or “gave me chills” as they say. No more as it turns out when I thought about it than what I might have understood the Brinks truck to mean.
While this example is hardly a scientific hypothesis, it’s my attempt at trying to understand and maybe explain this otherwise psychological maelstrom: What in me, inside any of us, sorts and determines value and meaning? And why, oh why, does it seem so terribly indiscriminate and prejudiced? Why are any of us more inclined to believe certain things a particular way sometimes and not or less at others? This mechanism or way of thinking, and awareness (or lack thereof) and how it affects us has fascinated me most of my life.
Then amidst my tenacious, heady inquiry, one of my favorite Zen stories popped in my head, Thank God, which took me right out of my fear. A story which flawlessly illuminates the beauty, perfection, irony and paradox which both the Rat and the Brinks truck led me too.
Once upon a time there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.
“Maybe,” the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.
“Maybe,” replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy for his misfortune.
“Maybe,” answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
“Maybe,” said the farmer.
What keeps us balanced in the center of our paradoxical path, no matter how much we sway to one side or the other, wake up or fall asleep, is our daily practice of self-inquiry. Like I always say, Great relationships begin within.
Take your soul for a stroll and join us at www.maryannelive,com as we
bring in the New Year!
December 27, 2010
The only reason to ever get married!
‘Tis the season, they say, to pop the question, November and December accounting for 26 percent of marriage proposals according to a survey sponsored by the Fairchild Bridal Group, the publisher of Modern Bride. Yet the main reason people end up getting married isn’t because of any seasonal phenomenon, it’s simply because someone asked! Which brings me to what inspired this week’s blog; a young man named Emmanuel. He’s a 23-year-old, ex-soccer player from Spain, who had a promising career but crushed his leg beyond repair and then decidedly embraced a path as a singer/song writer/musician. He loves his mother, his job (setting up bands with high-tech equip and renting us a karaoke machine for our Xmas party, in between playing at his own gigs), his band, and has an ex-girlfriend who wants to get married. In my opinion, that was like having a partridge in a pear tree. So of course I said so…
“Wait, wait, wait…So why would you want that…I mean why would you want to marry her?” I asked curiously. “She's your EX-girlfriend!” He responded ... “I guess…I mean I don’t know” … and paused and admitted almost matter-of-factly… “She wants to, that’s all I am saying.” “Oh NO…no no no, I mean really NO is the answer to that. Because...here’s the thing. I know we only just met and, by the way, my name is Maryanne…” I held out my hand which he shook obligingly. “Okay, you’re thinking who is this lady, I mean, you don’t know me at all. The thing is, I know something about this, and the advice I am about to give you is worth more money than you will ever make in your entire life…How’s that? So, would you be interested in that type of advice? Because that’s what I am about to do!” Of course, I didn’t completely care what his answer was, as I saw this as a critical moment in time, a divine opportunity of sorts…and I wanted with all my heart to tattoo his young spirit with the following creed.
“Here’s the only reason you should ever, ever, EVER…and of course never say never – but THE ONLY reason you should even consider for more than a moment in your entire life, that you should ever get married to anyone…is because when you get out of bed in the morning you are sooooo excited and grateful that YOU get to spend the rest of your life in the presence and company of this amazing and extraordinary being, whom you love and respect (and, by the way, love who you are when you are with them), EVERY DAY! Okay… 95 percent of the time at least. Let’s be realistic!” I said, practically frothing at the mouth.
He stared at me, the way you might when, say, someone just pinned you down and screamed “Amazing Grace” in your face. You love that song, who doesn’t, but WOW did you really need to scream every last verse in my face? Well…I did, so…yeah. Was kinda hoping he would really get my point, and I think he might have because A) instead of being annoyed or bowled over, he turned towards me and said sincerely “Thanks for that.” To which I replied, “Thank you for listening!” And because B) this extremely cool, competent young man left behind the very item he had returned to collect.
Oh, happy day I thought to myself…one more person, a young man to boot…truly lit from the inside out by my bigger-than-life passion for helping people hold out for the good stuff!
For more info on how to get relationship expert Maryanne Comaroto’s wise and witty counsel, guidance and advice go to www.maryannelive.com
“Wait, wait, wait…So why would you want that…I mean why would you want to marry her?” I asked curiously. “She's your EX-girlfriend!” He responded ... “I guess…I mean I don’t know” … and paused and admitted almost matter-of-factly… “She wants to, that’s all I am saying.” “Oh NO…no no no, I mean really NO is the answer to that. Because...here’s the thing. I know we only just met and, by the way, my name is Maryanne…” I held out my hand which he shook obligingly. “Okay, you’re thinking who is this lady, I mean, you don’t know me at all. The thing is, I know something about this, and the advice I am about to give you is worth more money than you will ever make in your entire life…How’s that? So, would you be interested in that type of advice? Because that’s what I am about to do!” Of course, I didn’t completely care what his answer was, as I saw this as a critical moment in time, a divine opportunity of sorts…and I wanted with all my heart to tattoo his young spirit with the following creed.
“Here’s the only reason you should ever, ever, EVER…and of course never say never – but THE ONLY reason you should even consider for more than a moment in your entire life, that you should ever get married to anyone…is because when you get out of bed in the morning you are sooooo excited and grateful that YOU get to spend the rest of your life in the presence and company of this amazing and extraordinary being, whom you love and respect (and, by the way, love who you are when you are with them), EVERY DAY! Okay… 95 percent of the time at least. Let’s be realistic!” I said, practically frothing at the mouth.
He stared at me, the way you might when, say, someone just pinned you down and screamed “Amazing Grace” in your face. You love that song, who doesn’t, but WOW did you really need to scream every last verse in my face? Well…I did, so…yeah. Was kinda hoping he would really get my point, and I think he might have because A) instead of being annoyed or bowled over, he turned towards me and said sincerely “Thanks for that.” To which I replied, “Thank you for listening!” And because B) this extremely cool, competent young man left behind the very item he had returned to collect.
Oh, happy day I thought to myself…one more person, a young man to boot…truly lit from the inside out by my bigger-than-life passion for helping people hold out for the good stuff!
For more info on how to get relationship expert Maryanne Comaroto’s wise and witty counsel, guidance and advice go to www.maryannelive.com
December 23, 2010
5 healthy ways to get through holiday craze!
I’m the first to admit I have some strong opinions, some of which have been wildly popular, and others absolutely not. That could be because we have been indoctrinated into a modicum of agreement on what’s polite, etiquette or even appropriate when it comes to giving unsolicited advice. Or (my suspicion is) we are simply afraid of the truth. However you look at it, the consequences for such straight talk can be stringent; tribal ostracization, social paralysis or, worse, no one likes you and you die alone. Yet somehow the threat of becoming such a pariah doesn’t stop me from trying to penetrate the unconsciousness that most of us suffer from.
I think I may quite seriously be genetically incapable of keeping my mouth shut under certain circumstances; either that or I have an emotional stigmata. While most of my uncontrollable urges seem to well from beneath the radar of my conscious awareness, there are just some things that swell from deep in my heart that I love to share, always in the hopes that any tiny eensie weensie bit may help comfort your soul and awaken you to the true nature of your divine self!
So here I go, like Donna Reed on steroids; here is some wholesome, salient, advice on how to get through the holidays, happy AND healthy!
FORGIVE ~Make a list of everyone in your family and immediate sphere of influence that you are “out of sorts” with. Then either write a sincere letter making amends for your part in the situation, or sit quietly every day for the next two weeks for 3-5 minutes and pray for that person (people), wishing them everything they want for themselves (my definition of love). One of the fastest ways I know to free up your spirit so you can enjoy the magic of the season with a more open heart. You are also less inclined to medicate or do self destructive things when you feel and begin to heal and deal with the truth rather than cover the pain!
GET IN SERVICE~ Pick someone you know who is hurting (or suffering more than you) and reach out to them and see what you can do to make their season more filled with light and joy! If you don’t know anyone, there are a huge number of food and clothing drives you can contribute to or get involved in directly. Just go online. Including women’s and homeless shelters!
MOVE YOUR BODY~ Make sure you are moving your body every day and make it fun. Maybe sign up for a dance class, join the 5 Rhythms dance community, take up ice skating or tango. Or if you know how to do any of these, go teach a class at an a school or old folks home. As my friend Gabrielle Roth says the best way to heal the psyche is to put the body in motion!
EXPRESS YOURSELF~ Gift-giving can make anyone feel overwhelmed, resentful or even insecure. One easy and fun thing to do is make something from your heart! I wrote and recorded a song once and gave it as a gift. There are really inexpensive ways to do this now! Or if gifts aren’t an issue, join a church choir or start a caroling group!
PRAY FOR GUIDANCE~ Meeting our shadows head on is no easy task, especially since the holidays can conjure ghosts of holidays past (or future) like the dickens. So having a daily practice of self inquiry is key to healing and lessening the tendency to ignite the inner saboteurs. While self-inquiry takes discipline there are many forms that will work; pick one (or a combo) that you love and give yourself to it with all your heart! For example: meditation, yoga, walking the labyrinth, moving meditation, shamanic dance, sitting and chanting, or just getting on your knees. You will be amazed at how the sincere devotion and attention you give yourself and the divine within you holds the power to ground you and give you real hope, in such a way that true love and joy will shine in you and through you, a beacon of the divine!
I think I may quite seriously be genetically incapable of keeping my mouth shut under certain circumstances; either that or I have an emotional stigmata. While most of my uncontrollable urges seem to well from beneath the radar of my conscious awareness, there are just some things that swell from deep in my heart that I love to share, always in the hopes that any tiny eensie weensie bit may help comfort your soul and awaken you to the true nature of your divine self!
So here I go, like Donna Reed on steroids; here is some wholesome, salient, advice on how to get through the holidays, happy AND healthy!
FORGIVE ~Make a list of everyone in your family and immediate sphere of influence that you are “out of sorts” with. Then either write a sincere letter making amends for your part in the situation, or sit quietly every day for the next two weeks for 3-5 minutes and pray for that person (people), wishing them everything they want for themselves (my definition of love). One of the fastest ways I know to free up your spirit so you can enjoy the magic of the season with a more open heart. You are also less inclined to medicate or do self destructive things when you feel and begin to heal and deal with the truth rather than cover the pain!
GET IN SERVICE~ Pick someone you know who is hurting (or suffering more than you) and reach out to them and see what you can do to make their season more filled with light and joy! If you don’t know anyone, there are a huge number of food and clothing drives you can contribute to or get involved in directly. Just go online. Including women’s and homeless shelters!
MOVE YOUR BODY~ Make sure you are moving your body every day and make it fun. Maybe sign up for a dance class, join the 5 Rhythms dance community, take up ice skating or tango. Or if you know how to do any of these, go teach a class at an a school or old folks home. As my friend Gabrielle Roth says the best way to heal the psyche is to put the body in motion!
EXPRESS YOURSELF~ Gift-giving can make anyone feel overwhelmed, resentful or even insecure. One easy and fun thing to do is make something from your heart! I wrote and recorded a song once and gave it as a gift. There are really inexpensive ways to do this now! Or if gifts aren’t an issue, join a church choir or start a caroling group!
PRAY FOR GUIDANCE~ Meeting our shadows head on is no easy task, especially since the holidays can conjure ghosts of holidays past (or future) like the dickens. So having a daily practice of self inquiry is key to healing and lessening the tendency to ignite the inner saboteurs. While self-inquiry takes discipline there are many forms that will work; pick one (or a combo) that you love and give yourself to it with all your heart! For example: meditation, yoga, walking the labyrinth, moving meditation, shamanic dance, sitting and chanting, or just getting on your knees. You will be amazed at how the sincere devotion and attention you give yourself and the divine within you holds the power to ground you and give you real hope, in such a way that true love and joy will shine in you and through you, a beacon of the divine!
December 16, 2010
The best gift of all
It’s easy to get besieged by the sheer volume the holiday season brings with it. And while much of what we are actually celebrating and why gets buried underneath our “list” (which seems to grow each year, and not always in proportion to our bank account), there’s plenty of time to resurrect the Joy the season has to offer by revisiting what it actually means to give!
Janice is one of us. She has two sons and a meddling ex-husband (who plays “Who’s the better gift-giver/ parent?” every Christmas), a new husband and 2 stepdaughters (who celebrate Hanukkah) in a now-gigantic blended family who all expect her to perform magic this time each year: being the perfect hostess, shopper, decorator, baker, and bank for her relatives who conveniently never have two pennies to rub together this time of year. Oh and she has to look great, while making this season one to remember for them all!
Then there’s Marcus, whose sister is single, which drives his family crazy and for the last ten years is the focus of their family’s loud discussion at the dinner table over latkes and kugel. Is she bringing someone, will we like this one? What does he do? The last one was no good, the one before was too young. She’s getting old, what about having children? Do we get whoever she brings a gift, and if so, what? Every year Marcus contemplates moving to Iceland, joining the Peace Corps, or placing a personal ad in search of a husband for his sister in the Alaskan gazette.
Any of this ring a bell? If it does, it’s likely because these are snapshots of how many of us feel when staring down the holiday track and thinking maybe it would be best to jump in front of the proverbial train than deal with “it all” over again.
Okay, take a deep breath. Really. I mean it, a good, deep, audible one and then find some pen and paper. (Automatic writing is magical and amazing and best in your own handwriting.)
1)At the top of the page, write “Giving is about” and then take the pen or pencil and put it in your non-dominant hand and go. Let whatever comes up, come. Doesn’t matter, even if at first it seems like gibberish. Write for at least 3-5 minutes. Repeat if necessary to get it all out and down.
2)Next make a list of all the people that you would want to be with if Christmas was the last time you would see them.
3)Then next to each person’s name ask yourself, “This holiday, how can I be of service to (insert loved one’s name)? What offering will contribute to their joy, wellbeing, or feeling loved and seen by me?” And just sit quietly and see what comes forward. Then write this down next to each one.
It’s amazing how when we come from that place, that real and true place, the answers just come. Its stops being about what we should give or that we have to give, and returns to the holiday’s original intention, what can I offer and share with you in love! All that usual judgment about it being “right” or “good enough” will most likely diminish, ‘cause that’s what happens when we give from our whole heart and soul!
Here are a few similar holiday self-inquiry questions to sit with; see where these may lead:
What am in service to this holiday season?
How can I serve you?
And a few feel-good creative gift ideas:
Sending letters to our folks in the service; one place is http://adoptaplatoon.org/site/
Baking, sewing, knitting, planting, painting your love, and offering it to those who have no family at an old folks home or homeless shelter!
Start your own private warm coat or clothing drive and make a night of it, invite friends to come and bring a gift that you can all donate!
Pick a local family who needs your help to celebrate the season!
To see more suggestions from Maryanne on how to have some unique fun this holiday check out her video: http://www.youtube.com/maryannelive11...
Janice is one of us. She has two sons and a meddling ex-husband (who plays “Who’s the better gift-giver/ parent?” every Christmas), a new husband and 2 stepdaughters (who celebrate Hanukkah) in a now-gigantic blended family who all expect her to perform magic this time each year: being the perfect hostess, shopper, decorator, baker, and bank for her relatives who conveniently never have two pennies to rub together this time of year. Oh and she has to look great, while making this season one to remember for them all!
Then there’s Marcus, whose sister is single, which drives his family crazy and for the last ten years is the focus of their family’s loud discussion at the dinner table over latkes and kugel. Is she bringing someone, will we like this one? What does he do? The last one was no good, the one before was too young. She’s getting old, what about having children? Do we get whoever she brings a gift, and if so, what? Every year Marcus contemplates moving to Iceland, joining the Peace Corps, or placing a personal ad in search of a husband for his sister in the Alaskan gazette.
Any of this ring a bell? If it does, it’s likely because these are snapshots of how many of us feel when staring down the holiday track and thinking maybe it would be best to jump in front of the proverbial train than deal with “it all” over again.
Okay, take a deep breath. Really. I mean it, a good, deep, audible one and then find some pen and paper. (Automatic writing is magical and amazing and best in your own handwriting.)
1)At the top of the page, write “Giving is about” and then take the pen or pencil and put it in your non-dominant hand and go. Let whatever comes up, come. Doesn’t matter, even if at first it seems like gibberish. Write for at least 3-5 minutes. Repeat if necessary to get it all out and down.
2)Next make a list of all the people that you would want to be with if Christmas was the last time you would see them.
3)Then next to each person’s name ask yourself, “This holiday, how can I be of service to (insert loved one’s name)? What offering will contribute to their joy, wellbeing, or feeling loved and seen by me?” And just sit quietly and see what comes forward. Then write this down next to each one.
It’s amazing how when we come from that place, that real and true place, the answers just come. Its stops being about what we should give or that we have to give, and returns to the holiday’s original intention, what can I offer and share with you in love! All that usual judgment about it being “right” or “good enough” will most likely diminish, ‘cause that’s what happens when we give from our whole heart and soul!
Here are a few similar holiday self-inquiry questions to sit with; see where these may lead:
What am in service to this holiday season?
How can I serve you?
And a few feel-good creative gift ideas:
Sending letters to our folks in the service; one place is http://adoptaplatoon.org/site/
Baking, sewing, knitting, planting, painting your love, and offering it to those who have no family at an old folks home or homeless shelter!
Start your own private warm coat or clothing drive and make a night of it, invite friends to come and bring a gift that you can all donate!
Pick a local family who needs your help to celebrate the season!
To see more suggestions from Maryanne on how to have some unique fun this holiday check out her video: http://www.youtube.com/maryannelive11...
December 9, 2010
Get through the Holiday Blues
Did you know there is no proof that the holidays increase our feelings of depression or “blues”? That actually, it’s the stories we have associated with the holidays that are the culprits! Whether you’re up on the latest scientific studies or not, this is GREAT news. Because according to leading research scientists like Dawson Church and Jeff Schweitzer, these old beliefs need to be “fed” in order to be activated, so it’s simply a matter of identifying and changing the meaning we have assigned to these stories and beliefs. We hold the power to lift the fog, making room to choose something preferable!
For some of us this may come as a shock or even seem absurd, the idea that we can control what we think. Others may understand that just because your mind tells you something doesn’t mean it’s true. Wherever you fall in the spectrum, one thing is sure: our mind and ego are slippery little suckers, and there could be all kinds of reasons we are unconsciously attached to our blues songs! This might complicate matters if the overriding truth weren’t more true: that you can control where you place your attention. How badly you want to feel different will determine your level of enthusiasm to apply the following techniques (or add them to your existing practice).
Essential Truth number 4: Put only good things in your mind!
1.Identify what your belief or the story you’re telling yourself (and everyone else) is about the holidays
Here are some common thought patterns and beliefs:
You just plain hate the holidays
It’s all commercial and contrived
It’s lost its real meaning
Too much going on, you are overwhelmed
You’re broke or embarrassed you can’t buy the gifts you want
Worried what will other people think
Are single (and wish you weren’t)
Everyone else’s life seems better than yours
Someone is missing this year and you can’t imagine the holidays without them
Your family is difficult or “crazy”
Fill in the blanks_________
2.Ask yourself: is this belief or story making me feel good or bad?
3.What else is true? Example: I didn’t always hate the holidays; I notice I only hate the holidays when I think about________; my mother hated the holidays too (maybe that’s her story).
4.Pull the microscope back and explore all the other things that are true as well. Like: I’m single but when I was married I was also miserable sometimes during the holidays; what a great time to meet someone new; it’s so fun going to parties and seeing who else is “out there” and single too.
5.Then pick a few “replacement or “upgraded” thoughts and notice how those thoughts make you feel.
6.Repeat until you have a few good candidates and then entertain those instead.
7.Whenever you notice the old thought, replace with your chosen new one(s)!!!
And really, it’s that simple! As neuro-anatomist Jill Bolte Taylor says, “We must tend to the garden of the mind.”
Email us at info@maryannelive.com and let us know how you do; we’d love to pass on your success or suggestions on how to turn these blues around and into opportunities for something preferable!
Go online to www.mayannelive.com and get a copy of my 7 Essential Truths CD; find out more about putting only good things in your mind!
For some of us this may come as a shock or even seem absurd, the idea that we can control what we think. Others may understand that just because your mind tells you something doesn’t mean it’s true. Wherever you fall in the spectrum, one thing is sure: our mind and ego are slippery little suckers, and there could be all kinds of reasons we are unconsciously attached to our blues songs! This might complicate matters if the overriding truth weren’t more true: that you can control where you place your attention. How badly you want to feel different will determine your level of enthusiasm to apply the following techniques (or add them to your existing practice).
Essential Truth number 4: Put only good things in your mind!
1.Identify what your belief or the story you’re telling yourself (and everyone else) is about the holidays
Here are some common thought patterns and beliefs:
You just plain hate the holidays
It’s all commercial and contrived
It’s lost its real meaning
Too much going on, you are overwhelmed
You’re broke or embarrassed you can’t buy the gifts you want
Worried what will other people think
Are single (and wish you weren’t)
Everyone else’s life seems better than yours
Someone is missing this year and you can’t imagine the holidays without them
Your family is difficult or “crazy”
Fill in the blanks_________
2.Ask yourself: is this belief or story making me feel good or bad?
3.What else is true? Example: I didn’t always hate the holidays; I notice I only hate the holidays when I think about________; my mother hated the holidays too (maybe that’s her story).
4.Pull the microscope back and explore all the other things that are true as well. Like: I’m single but when I was married I was also miserable sometimes during the holidays; what a great time to meet someone new; it’s so fun going to parties and seeing who else is “out there” and single too.
5.Then pick a few “replacement or “upgraded” thoughts and notice how those thoughts make you feel.
6.Repeat until you have a few good candidates and then entertain those instead.
7.Whenever you notice the old thought, replace with your chosen new one(s)!!!
And really, it’s that simple! As neuro-anatomist Jill Bolte Taylor says, “We must tend to the garden of the mind.”
Email us at info@maryannelive.com and let us know how you do; we’d love to pass on your success or suggestions on how to turn these blues around and into opportunities for something preferable!
Go online to www.mayannelive.com and get a copy of my 7 Essential Truths CD; find out more about putting only good things in your mind!
November 26, 2010
Can prayer spice up your love life?
I know, most of us cross our legs when we think about GOD and sex simultaneously, so surely it’s a stretch to imagine praying could be spicy. And then there are those of us who a long time ago made the separation between church and mate and don’t give it a thought.
But why not? What if we did at least entertain the notion? Why must we make the leap from the puritanical to the profane when there’s all this juicy, sacred soul-filled stuff in the middle? Maybe it’s time we took another look at what it means to pray, and how it can and does pave the path for a richer relationship experience. Versus letting another type of opportunity to create sacred connection slip away because we are filled with shame, guilt or have purposefully limited our scope of prayer to be solely petitionary (or pointless) rather than a means for enhancing intimacy.
A new way to pray~
Jesus Christ, who few would argue was an authority on prayer, said (and I will paraphrase); prayer is how we commune with the kingdom within or, in other words, the way to connect with the Divine that resides inside you. Not quite the popular version that most of us cling to, where you ask God for stuff or to get you out of a jam. Rather the right here/right now/just close your eyes and drop in, instant way to connect to the source of everything, to the magnificence and splendor that we truly are. Knowing down to your toes and in your bones that you are that. This is the prayer I am talking about, the prayer that makes you feel…juicy, alive and YES, even spicy. In this prayer we get a glimpse of our authentic self, and the gift has a rippling effect that is ultimately profound.
Practically speaking, every time we turn inward in prayer, wanting only to behold our connection to all that is, we have an opportunity to radiate that connection outwards, naturally creating an optimal climate for intimacy. And don’t take my word for it, try it. You want to spice things up, turn inwards. Sit in a church alone, in a park on the bench, go for a walk in the woods, take a turn on a labyrinth, or sit quietly right where you are and get consciously connected and let the force run through you and then up out into the world. Or if you can handle MORE, add that spice to your relationship; sit with your special someone and share the experience. Doesn’t have to be a big deal because, the truth is, there is no bigger deal. Giving one another the gift of presence and a moment of prayer… watch out …this is the spice of life!
But why not? What if we did at least entertain the notion? Why must we make the leap from the puritanical to the profane when there’s all this juicy, sacred soul-filled stuff in the middle? Maybe it’s time we took another look at what it means to pray, and how it can and does pave the path for a richer relationship experience. Versus letting another type of opportunity to create sacred connection slip away because we are filled with shame, guilt or have purposefully limited our scope of prayer to be solely petitionary (or pointless) rather than a means for enhancing intimacy.
A new way to pray~
Jesus Christ, who few would argue was an authority on prayer, said (and I will paraphrase); prayer is how we commune with the kingdom within or, in other words, the way to connect with the Divine that resides inside you. Not quite the popular version that most of us cling to, where you ask God for stuff or to get you out of a jam. Rather the right here/right now/just close your eyes and drop in, instant way to connect to the source of everything, to the magnificence and splendor that we truly are. Knowing down to your toes and in your bones that you are that. This is the prayer I am talking about, the prayer that makes you feel…juicy, alive and YES, even spicy. In this prayer we get a glimpse of our authentic self, and the gift has a rippling effect that is ultimately profound.
Practically speaking, every time we turn inward in prayer, wanting only to behold our connection to all that is, we have an opportunity to radiate that connection outwards, naturally creating an optimal climate for intimacy. And don’t take my word for it, try it. You want to spice things up, turn inwards. Sit in a church alone, in a park on the bench, go for a walk in the woods, take a turn on a labyrinth, or sit quietly right where you are and get consciously connected and let the force run through you and then up out into the world. Or if you can handle MORE, add that spice to your relationship; sit with your special someone and share the experience. Doesn’t have to be a big deal because, the truth is, there is no bigger deal. Giving one another the gift of presence and a moment of prayer… watch out …this is the spice of life!
November 12, 2010
Like a virgin?
“Hello and welcome to We Already Have your Money and There’s Nothing You Can Do About It. For customer service, press 1 or say customer service…” I enunciate, “Customer service”… “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand, did you say new reservation?” “CUSTOMER SERVICE,” I bark into the phone. “Customer service,” she repeats cheerily. “Please enter or say your 18-thousand-digit account number now.” Oh, man, where is my card? This time I decide to punch in the numbers.
“Did you enter 8…7…5…4…4…3…3…2…3…2…3…2…9…9…9…9…9…9? If this is correct, please press 1 now; if it’s not correct please press 2.” Braaaar, I practically smash in the one key. “For information regarding your account, press or say 2….” “TWO!” I bellow. “For a new or existing problem press or say 4… for passengers with questions regarding intercontinental, European or Mid-Atlantic travel press or say 5…
I wonder, Did they hang up on me…again? I don’t dare hang up, even though I am furious that I have to be on this stupid call; they should have a card that racks up extra miles for all the hours you spend trying to redeem your points you have worked your ass off for. I push the phone into my head to see if I can hear anything and then…”Your business is important to us, thank you for holding.” Then nothing again. I have literally over half an hour invested so there’s no way I am hanging up now. Did I mention this was my third call?
“Mizz Comparto?” “Oh, hi yes…it’s me. Ms. Comaroto!” “Okay Miss Comparto…how can I help you with your gold card account today?” “I don’t have a gold account…wait..I have a silver account, I pressed silver, can you do silver?” I plead. “This is the gold membership department, you need the silver membership department, Miss Comparto, I am going to place you on hold for a brief moment. Just one moment while I transfer your call to the silver department.” And then it happens…“If you wish to make another call please hang up and try your call again….” They hang up on me.
My first thought is to write a letter to that saucy Brit who owns the airlines and tell him that I am going to do a whole radio show on how their airlines seduces you in like a VIRGIN and then wham bam thank you Mizz Comparto…you can’t even pronounce my name the next morning! But I don’t.
And not because I don’t want to. Once upon a time that mechanism to reflect and self-inquire (or redirect the storm) was undeveloped in me. After years and years of self-inquiry and listening to my inner urgings and longings, I have learned how to identify and constructively redirect them (particularly the ones that want up and out and like freight trains), as their overwhelming nature and urgency has the potential for so much damage; guilt, shame, remorse, and worse. Like losing jobs, partners and more.
Today I have a practice that includes rigorous and vigilant inquiry into my feelings, emotions, thoughts, and actions, and my responsibility to and for them. This responsibility expands to include everything I experience. And my history illustrates the divine benefits of having matured enough to be able to respond rather than react, which in this split second of evolution for me looks something like…hmmmm, what am I going to choose to do here? From the eye of the tornado the forecast looks entirely different. I choose to express myself entirely, with respect and abandon; to see myself, to acknowledge my own self in a way that will not hurt me or anyone else. I write. I write until I empty it all the way out. And what used to in the beginning feel like taming the beast or securing myself to the earth in the midst of a tornado now feels like a rocket ship ready to launch with a clear destination. 5-4-3-2…
I pick up the phone, one more time, this time paying attention to every number I press, remembering the tricks I learned the last three times, and decide, I will prevail. I take a firm grasp of the situation, “No more or less than is necessary” as my teacher would say, and forge on. Not a victim nor a villain, just “chop wood, carry water”; if you’re like me, with some sass on the side!
So what’s the moral? Maybe that sometimes it takes what it takes. We have become so impatient, so entitled, so, well…big babies, really! There, I said it! And like my mother’s boyfriend used to tell me, “Maryanne…if you have to shovel a pile of sh&* from one side of the room to the other…you might as well have a good time doin’ it!”
“Did you enter 8…7…5…4…4…3…3…2…3…2…3…2…9…9…9…9…9…9? If this is correct, please press 1 now; if it’s not correct please press 2.” Braaaar, I practically smash in the one key. “For information regarding your account, press or say 2….” “TWO!” I bellow. “For a new or existing problem press or say 4… for passengers with questions regarding intercontinental, European or Mid-Atlantic travel press or say 5…
I wonder, Did they hang up on me…again? I don’t dare hang up, even though I am furious that I have to be on this stupid call; they should have a card that racks up extra miles for all the hours you spend trying to redeem your points you have worked your ass off for. I push the phone into my head to see if I can hear anything and then…”Your business is important to us, thank you for holding.” Then nothing again. I have literally over half an hour invested so there’s no way I am hanging up now. Did I mention this was my third call?
“Mizz Comparto?” “Oh, hi yes…it’s me. Ms. Comaroto!” “Okay Miss Comparto…how can I help you with your gold card account today?” “I don’t have a gold account…wait..I have a silver account, I pressed silver, can you do silver?” I plead. “This is the gold membership department, you need the silver membership department, Miss Comparto, I am going to place you on hold for a brief moment. Just one moment while I transfer your call to the silver department.” And then it happens…“If you wish to make another call please hang up and try your call again….” They hang up on me.
My first thought is to write a letter to that saucy Brit who owns the airlines and tell him that I am going to do a whole radio show on how their airlines seduces you in like a VIRGIN and then wham bam thank you Mizz Comparto…you can’t even pronounce my name the next morning! But I don’t.
And not because I don’t want to. Once upon a time that mechanism to reflect and self-inquire (or redirect the storm) was undeveloped in me. After years and years of self-inquiry and listening to my inner urgings and longings, I have learned how to identify and constructively redirect them (particularly the ones that want up and out and like freight trains), as their overwhelming nature and urgency has the potential for so much damage; guilt, shame, remorse, and worse. Like losing jobs, partners and more.
Today I have a practice that includes rigorous and vigilant inquiry into my feelings, emotions, thoughts, and actions, and my responsibility to and for them. This responsibility expands to include everything I experience. And my history illustrates the divine benefits of having matured enough to be able to respond rather than react, which in this split second of evolution for me looks something like…hmmmm, what am I going to choose to do here? From the eye of the tornado the forecast looks entirely different. I choose to express myself entirely, with respect and abandon; to see myself, to acknowledge my own self in a way that will not hurt me or anyone else. I write. I write until I empty it all the way out. And what used to in the beginning feel like taming the beast or securing myself to the earth in the midst of a tornado now feels like a rocket ship ready to launch with a clear destination. 5-4-3-2…
I pick up the phone, one more time, this time paying attention to every number I press, remembering the tricks I learned the last three times, and decide, I will prevail. I take a firm grasp of the situation, “No more or less than is necessary” as my teacher would say, and forge on. Not a victim nor a villain, just “chop wood, carry water”; if you’re like me, with some sass on the side!
So what’s the moral? Maybe that sometimes it takes what it takes. We have become so impatient, so entitled, so, well…big babies, really! There, I said it! And like my mother’s boyfriend used to tell me, “Maryanne…if you have to shovel a pile of sh&* from one side of the room to the other…you might as well have a good time doin’ it!”
October 25, 2010
Cat and Mouse
Love it when you send me questions! Here’s a recent one.
Hello there, I hope you can help me,
I live in Ireland and I met a girl a few weeks ago whom I like. I asked her out and she said she couldn't ‘cause she has a child and couldn’t get a sitter, so she invited me around to her place where we had a great night. The next day she cooked me dinner and I met her daughter who I got on great with, and the girl was shocked ‘cause she said her daughter never bonds with men like she did with me. Then over a week ago she went to Australia for four weeks with her family.
Before she left I was initiating all the conversation via text but she was replying straight back to me, and when it took her a while to reply she apologised for the delay. I assumed she wanted me to do the chasing because she has a child and she’s only out of a relationship a couple of months. She also asked me to help her out with something when she got back and also said she wanted to go out on a proper date with me. On the day she was leaving she was texting me right up until she got on the plane....Then I didn’t hear from her for a couple of days, and last Sunday she sent me a message via Facebook saying hello and letting me know that her phone wouldn’t work. I replied to her message and didn’t hear back, so I sent her a message on Friday again via Facebook only because it was her birthday—a humourous message, not a serious one. Now I’ve seen she’s been on Facebook since and has thanked everybody for the birthday wishes but she has not replied to my mail. Should I forget about her or am I reading too much into the situation and should I just wait for her to come home?
Please help!!
Regards
Mark
Hi Mark,
Thank you for reaching out. I am happy to be of service.
Here’s the way I see it:
You like this lady who seems to be giving you mixed messages. At first she seems very interested and intimate and then, not so much. And because you can’t reach her directly you are making assumptions, some of which may be right; namely, that she might be trying to blow you off. But then you think “Why would she lead me on, introduce me to her daughter, text me every other minute, even talk about the future? Then just go cold?” It’s only natural this radical change in behavior would cause you to wonder, is this hot-and-cold routine a “red flag,” is she someone that is just yanking my chain? Or maybe she’s just playing that old-cat and-mouse game to the hilt? Or maybe, Mark, she’s not comfortable telling the truth and is try to figure out how she feels, and because you have no formal agreements between you she’s taking that socially acceptable liberty that people who are dating take when they are conflicted. Which means you are forced to wait in purgatory until she decides.
Here’s my advice:
One, slow down. Slow is real. Let her words and actions speak for themselves. You have already expressed your interest. Just sit back and wait and see what she does next. If she does nothing, you have your answer. One thing I know about people; they ultimately do what they want to.
Two, remember who you are. To start with, you are a man who is clearly caring, who has a lot to offer someone and wants to do the right thing. This kind of integrity is rare and beautiful. You will want to find someone who respects this and also has these same qualities.
And three: keep in mind what you truly want. A good game of cat-and-mouse or a great relationship? While this lady may have captured your interest, she will have to meet your enthusiasm with matching values and skills, like honesty, integrity and communication skills. Chemistry, while it “looks good and feels good” as my friend and colleague Eve Hogan always says, is only part of what it takes to make a great relationship.
Wait until she gets home and maybe don’t say a word until she does. Unless there’s something I don’t know, you have made it clear what your intentions are. Time to find out about hers.
Last, think through what I have said and make sure it feels right for you. Ultimately, trusting your own gut feeling and intuition is what I want to support; that’s the best way for me to help. For me to honor the impeccable navigational device you have right in your own heart and body!!
I wish you every happiness!
Hello there, I hope you can help me,
I live in Ireland and I met a girl a few weeks ago whom I like. I asked her out and she said she couldn't ‘cause she has a child and couldn’t get a sitter, so she invited me around to her place where we had a great night. The next day she cooked me dinner and I met her daughter who I got on great with, and the girl was shocked ‘cause she said her daughter never bonds with men like she did with me. Then over a week ago she went to Australia for four weeks with her family.
Before she left I was initiating all the conversation via text but she was replying straight back to me, and when it took her a while to reply she apologised for the delay. I assumed she wanted me to do the chasing because she has a child and she’s only out of a relationship a couple of months. She also asked me to help her out with something when she got back and also said she wanted to go out on a proper date with me. On the day she was leaving she was texting me right up until she got on the plane....Then I didn’t hear from her for a couple of days, and last Sunday she sent me a message via Facebook saying hello and letting me know that her phone wouldn’t work. I replied to her message and didn’t hear back, so I sent her a message on Friday again via Facebook only because it was her birthday—a humourous message, not a serious one. Now I’ve seen she’s been on Facebook since and has thanked everybody for the birthday wishes but she has not replied to my mail. Should I forget about her or am I reading too much into the situation and should I just wait for her to come home?
Please help!!
Regards
Mark
Hi Mark,
Thank you for reaching out. I am happy to be of service.
Here’s the way I see it:
You like this lady who seems to be giving you mixed messages. At first she seems very interested and intimate and then, not so much. And because you can’t reach her directly you are making assumptions, some of which may be right; namely, that she might be trying to blow you off. But then you think “Why would she lead me on, introduce me to her daughter, text me every other minute, even talk about the future? Then just go cold?” It’s only natural this radical change in behavior would cause you to wonder, is this hot-and-cold routine a “red flag,” is she someone that is just yanking my chain? Or maybe she’s just playing that old-cat and-mouse game to the hilt? Or maybe, Mark, she’s not comfortable telling the truth and is try to figure out how she feels, and because you have no formal agreements between you she’s taking that socially acceptable liberty that people who are dating take when they are conflicted. Which means you are forced to wait in purgatory until she decides.
Here’s my advice:
One, slow down. Slow is real. Let her words and actions speak for themselves. You have already expressed your interest. Just sit back and wait and see what she does next. If she does nothing, you have your answer. One thing I know about people; they ultimately do what they want to.
Two, remember who you are. To start with, you are a man who is clearly caring, who has a lot to offer someone and wants to do the right thing. This kind of integrity is rare and beautiful. You will want to find someone who respects this and also has these same qualities.
And three: keep in mind what you truly want. A good game of cat-and-mouse or a great relationship? While this lady may have captured your interest, she will have to meet your enthusiasm with matching values and skills, like honesty, integrity and communication skills. Chemistry, while it “looks good and feels good” as my friend and colleague Eve Hogan always says, is only part of what it takes to make a great relationship.
Wait until she gets home and maybe don’t say a word until she does. Unless there’s something I don’t know, you have made it clear what your intentions are. Time to find out about hers.
Last, think through what I have said and make sure it feels right for you. Ultimately, trusting your own gut feeling and intuition is what I want to support; that’s the best way for me to help. For me to honor the impeccable navigational device you have right in your own heart and body!!
I wish you every happiness!
October 13, 2010
All you need is love?
Dear Maryanne:
One of my best friends has been unhealthily obsessed with the same guy for almost four years (we're now seniors in college). They have hooked up intermittently over this time but have never been on a date or spent any platonic time together. He has never displayed any actual interest in her or her feelings despite it being incredibly obvious that she is very attached. She refuses to show interest in any other person. My friend responds to this guy's booty call messages every single time, running over to his place even at 3am in the pouring rain. She is obsessed to the point of letting it completely control her mood. We're at a breaking point and have no idea what to do. Please help!
-A, J, and S
Ladies,
I am so moved by your letter and how sincerely concerned you all are about your girlfriend’s wellbeing. She is fortunate to have friends like you. Let’s see if I can help empower you by shedding some light and by offering you a shift in perspective of your friend’s situation:
First, if your girlfriend has mentioned harming herself in anyway (suicidal threats, etc.) I implore you to seek professional help on campus. You can never be too careful here.
Next, If this isn’t the case and your girlfriend’s behavior is a steady diet of booty call and crying jags, I recommend you consider the following carefully: there is how you see your g-friend’s situation and then, ultimately, the way she sees it. The way I see it, getting her to see things your way is one of the biggest obstacles you have.
You're probably thinking: “Why would she pick a guy who is using and disrespecting her to fulfill her heart’s desire in the first place?” Great question; maybe her childhood situation involved similar dynamics. This dynamic (positive or negative) becomes imprinted early on. Perhaps she has already confided in one or all of you that she has in fact had some negative or similar experiences in her past that she is now recreating.
If this is the case, one of the things you can do to help is get some books or related materials in front of her that will help her illuminate this pattern to her. This, of course, is easier said than done and will ultimately require her wanting something better for herself.
If you don't know about her background, or if it doesn't point to this, you may want to do some investigating. If and when you do find she is in fact recreating a past dynamic, see above. I can give you a list of books for her to read, starting with my own; Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers.
Still - even if she does get it, will it sink in? The truth is, we can’t know what the catalyst will ultimately end up being for someone to awaken from self-sabotaging patterns. Unless you have nothing but time on your hands to hold your friend’s hand, the best we can do is be sympathetic and empathetic – cultivate fierce compassion: doing everything you can to hold someone in their highest light until it begins to harm you. At that point, let go with love, and trust that the same God that shines on you shines on them too!
To get an idea of a healthy, mutual respectful relationship, check out my interview on Spiritual Partnership with Gary Zukav and Linka Francis: http://www.youtube.com/maryannelive11...
One of my best friends has been unhealthily obsessed with the same guy for almost four years (we're now seniors in college). They have hooked up intermittently over this time but have never been on a date or spent any platonic time together. He has never displayed any actual interest in her or her feelings despite it being incredibly obvious that she is very attached. She refuses to show interest in any other person. My friend responds to this guy's booty call messages every single time, running over to his place even at 3am in the pouring rain. She is obsessed to the point of letting it completely control her mood. We're at a breaking point and have no idea what to do. Please help!
-A, J, and S
Ladies,
I am so moved by your letter and how sincerely concerned you all are about your girlfriend’s wellbeing. She is fortunate to have friends like you. Let’s see if I can help empower you by shedding some light and by offering you a shift in perspective of your friend’s situation:
First, if your girlfriend has mentioned harming herself in anyway (suicidal threats, etc.) I implore you to seek professional help on campus. You can never be too careful here.
Next, If this isn’t the case and your girlfriend’s behavior is a steady diet of booty call and crying jags, I recommend you consider the following carefully: there is how you see your g-friend’s situation and then, ultimately, the way she sees it. The way I see it, getting her to see things your way is one of the biggest obstacles you have.
You're probably thinking: “Why would she pick a guy who is using and disrespecting her to fulfill her heart’s desire in the first place?” Great question; maybe her childhood situation involved similar dynamics. This dynamic (positive or negative) becomes imprinted early on. Perhaps she has already confided in one or all of you that she has in fact had some negative or similar experiences in her past that she is now recreating.
If this is the case, one of the things you can do to help is get some books or related materials in front of her that will help her illuminate this pattern to her. This, of course, is easier said than done and will ultimately require her wanting something better for herself.
If you don't know about her background, or if it doesn't point to this, you may want to do some investigating. If and when you do find she is in fact recreating a past dynamic, see above. I can give you a list of books for her to read, starting with my own; Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers.
Still - even if she does get it, will it sink in? The truth is, we can’t know what the catalyst will ultimately end up being for someone to awaken from self-sabotaging patterns. Unless you have nothing but time on your hands to hold your friend’s hand, the best we can do is be sympathetic and empathetic – cultivate fierce compassion: doing everything you can to hold someone in their highest light until it begins to harm you. At that point, let go with love, and trust that the same God that shines on you shines on them too!
To get an idea of a healthy, mutual respectful relationship, check out my interview on Spiritual Partnership with Gary Zukav and Linka Francis: http://www.youtube.com/maryannelive11...
September 23, 2010
The art of the inner-view
Mastering the art of the inner-view is worth every effort; slowing down, taking time to get to know someone and asking the tough questions, waiting to see if someone’s answers are revealed in their actions, remembering all the while that real love cannot be negotiated and great relationships begin within. And why not? What better investment is there when it comes to the real thing; authentic connection, the foundation for a loving, lasting relationship? Unless you’re convinced posturing, playing games and being insincere in an effort to gain power or avoid being hurt is the way to go.
Either way, finding out that the person you are sincerely interested in is; already in a relationship, married with 2 children, has absolutely no interest in being in a relationship with you, or just wants to use you for sex, isn’t pleasant. And if being in a great relationship were really as simple as having the right chemical reaction at the right time, stating the obvious would be way more fun (and I wouldn’t be writing this blog).
Let’s get to that one thing you should know before you head out on a first date, as promised in the last blog. We have talked about the importance of checking out who someone else is, what they are bringing to the “party,” but we haven’t really talked much about what will happen when the shoe is on the other foot; when the person you’re interested in starts asking YOU.
I was just thinking this morning, What if I were single, what would I be afraid of someone asking me, or maybe want to take my time divulging? You may not want to mention a host of things to someone you have just met, but the bottom line is; whatever your secrets, they will eventually create separation if you don’t come to terms with them. There are some things we did and have enough distance from that we can joke about; then there are things we have done that we might feel ashamed of (or still be doing) that we would rather someone not know, ESPECIALLY when we first meet. The one thing you should keep in mind before you go out on a date is the expression “If you can dish it out, be prepared to take it!” Another way of saying that is; be kind and graceful when you ask the tough questions as a rule, but also because you know there are things you yourself may still feel tender about! This is an inquiry, not an investigation. Please be graceful when asking, forthcoming when asked.
Here are the five questions everyone looking for a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship should ask (or find out) on a first date:
1.If the person is actually single; not married, separated sleeping in separate bedrooms etc
2.If they are available emotionally available (not still recovering from the last relationship)
3.If they want a real relationship or are just looking for a good time
4.Have had any long-term relationships or evidence that they are capable of commitment
5.If they want children, I know this is tough on a first date but could be a potential nightmare and heartache if you don’t get real about it right away!
So there you have it my beloveds, stay tuned for my new book coming out called DIRT, Plan B: 101 Questions that make or break a great relationship!!
Either way, finding out that the person you are sincerely interested in is; already in a relationship, married with 2 children, has absolutely no interest in being in a relationship with you, or just wants to use you for sex, isn’t pleasant. And if being in a great relationship were really as simple as having the right chemical reaction at the right time, stating the obvious would be way more fun (and I wouldn’t be writing this blog).
Let’s get to that one thing you should know before you head out on a first date, as promised in the last blog. We have talked about the importance of checking out who someone else is, what they are bringing to the “party,” but we haven’t really talked much about what will happen when the shoe is on the other foot; when the person you’re interested in starts asking YOU.
I was just thinking this morning, What if I were single, what would I be afraid of someone asking me, or maybe want to take my time divulging? You may not want to mention a host of things to someone you have just met, but the bottom line is; whatever your secrets, they will eventually create separation if you don’t come to terms with them. There are some things we did and have enough distance from that we can joke about; then there are things we have done that we might feel ashamed of (or still be doing) that we would rather someone not know, ESPECIALLY when we first meet. The one thing you should keep in mind before you go out on a date is the expression “If you can dish it out, be prepared to take it!” Another way of saying that is; be kind and graceful when you ask the tough questions as a rule, but also because you know there are things you yourself may still feel tender about! This is an inquiry, not an investigation. Please be graceful when asking, forthcoming when asked.
Here are the five questions everyone looking for a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship should ask (or find out) on a first date:
1.If the person is actually single; not married, separated sleeping in separate bedrooms etc
2.If they are available emotionally available (not still recovering from the last relationship)
3.If they want a real relationship or are just looking for a good time
4.Have had any long-term relationships or evidence that they are capable of commitment
5.If they want children, I know this is tough on a first date but could be a potential nightmare and heartache if you don’t get real about it right away!
So there you have it my beloveds, stay tuned for my new book coming out called DIRT, Plan B: 101 Questions that make or break a great relationship!!
