Maryanne Comaroto's Blog, page 2
September 6, 2010
Dish the Dirt
Let me ask you this; why are you single right now? Whatever the truth, the answer to this question is no small matter, and is of great ultimate consequence primarily because why you start the process of attracting and creating a healthy relationship is maybe even more important than how. It’s definitely where most of us go wrong when we first meet someone we are attracted to.
So, let’s say you are ready; your past is in check, you’re in a great relationship with yourself and are now sincerely looking to find that special someone to share your life with! Let me remind you, there are 1.45 million potential partners out there for you, so not to worry; you get to relax and enjoy the process. I know, I have been single, and even under the best circumstances it can be anxiety-producing to put yourself out there, so let’s set you up to succeed! Which is why I was to share part of my tried and true inner-view process that will help you navigate your way through the many potential dates and mates, helping steer you towards those whom you feel might be a good fit and away from those you don’t!
So here’s your mission, should you decide to accept it:
1.Remember who you are and what you want
2.Do not compromise your non-negotiables
3.Lead with your authentic self, not your seduction routine
4.Go for it!
Plan B: The Inner view
It takes time and work to get to know people, so select your candidates carefully. One way to make the initial process easier is to continue to deepen and use your inner navigational system, your intuition! Never underestimate your hunches and gut feelings; 97% of all our communication is made pre-cognitively, which also means the body NEVER lies. Learn how to trust this mechanism.
Let’s start out with a few reminders about GREAT relationships:
Love does not have a shelf life, it’s an energy field which emanates and is generated from and by you, therefore no one can give it to you or take it away.
Intimacy grows as a result of trust and respect!
Take as long as you like. You don’t get to have your first kiss twice, making love is sacred and a privilege, and taking your time to get to know a person is healthy. Waiting as long as you need will be respected by anyone truly interested in a real relationship!
Three essentials to ascertain before you give out your contact info and why;
1.Who is this person and who do you know that knows them? In this day and age keeping this boundary, at minimum, is ESSENTIAL. Do they live nearby, where do they work or shop? You need to establish some basics before you go handing out your 411 so you don’t need a 911. I always recommend that until you have firmly established someone you have never met before as a member of some community or organization ask for their name and then Google them!
2.Are they single? Many people make the mistake of thinking because someone acknowledges them, is paying attention or flirting with them, they are single. NOT ALWAYS!
3.Are they available? Just because someone isn’t married or in a committed relationship doesn’t mean they are available. They could be sleeping with someone or several other people, have a girlfriend, don’t want a relationship, are just looking for casual sex, or are simply yanking your chain.
Where do they live? Finding out if someone is GU (geographically undesirable) is important, as the average person who truly is ready for a relationship doesn’t want the added hassle of relocating, long distance relationships or the stress it brings.
Asking these questions shouldn’t be too hard—after all, what have you got to lose? Bottom line, anyone will respect you for taking care to take care of yourself. By the way, this information right here not only could help prevent you getting your heart broken, it could save your life!
Stay tuned for the next blog report which reveals the top 5 questions you should ask every man on a first date and the number-one thing you should know before you do.
For more info about Maryanne’s tv/webinar series on inner-viewing, In the Ring with Maryanne, www.maryannelive.com.
So, let’s say you are ready; your past is in check, you’re in a great relationship with yourself and are now sincerely looking to find that special someone to share your life with! Let me remind you, there are 1.45 million potential partners out there for you, so not to worry; you get to relax and enjoy the process. I know, I have been single, and even under the best circumstances it can be anxiety-producing to put yourself out there, so let’s set you up to succeed! Which is why I was to share part of my tried and true inner-view process that will help you navigate your way through the many potential dates and mates, helping steer you towards those whom you feel might be a good fit and away from those you don’t!
So here’s your mission, should you decide to accept it:
1.Remember who you are and what you want
2.Do not compromise your non-negotiables
3.Lead with your authentic self, not your seduction routine
4.Go for it!
Plan B: The Inner view
It takes time and work to get to know people, so select your candidates carefully. One way to make the initial process easier is to continue to deepen and use your inner navigational system, your intuition! Never underestimate your hunches and gut feelings; 97% of all our communication is made pre-cognitively, which also means the body NEVER lies. Learn how to trust this mechanism.
Let’s start out with a few reminders about GREAT relationships:
Love does not have a shelf life, it’s an energy field which emanates and is generated from and by you, therefore no one can give it to you or take it away.
Intimacy grows as a result of trust and respect!
Take as long as you like. You don’t get to have your first kiss twice, making love is sacred and a privilege, and taking your time to get to know a person is healthy. Waiting as long as you need will be respected by anyone truly interested in a real relationship!
Three essentials to ascertain before you give out your contact info and why;
1.Who is this person and who do you know that knows them? In this day and age keeping this boundary, at minimum, is ESSENTIAL. Do they live nearby, where do they work or shop? You need to establish some basics before you go handing out your 411 so you don’t need a 911. I always recommend that until you have firmly established someone you have never met before as a member of some community or organization ask for their name and then Google them!
2.Are they single? Many people make the mistake of thinking because someone acknowledges them, is paying attention or flirting with them, they are single. NOT ALWAYS!
3.Are they available? Just because someone isn’t married or in a committed relationship doesn’t mean they are available. They could be sleeping with someone or several other people, have a girlfriend, don’t want a relationship, are just looking for casual sex, or are simply yanking your chain.
Where do they live? Finding out if someone is GU (geographically undesirable) is important, as the average person who truly is ready for a relationship doesn’t want the added hassle of relocating, long distance relationships or the stress it brings.
Asking these questions shouldn’t be too hard—after all, what have you got to lose? Bottom line, anyone will respect you for taking care to take care of yourself. By the way, this information right here not only could help prevent you getting your heart broken, it could save your life!
Stay tuned for the next blog report which reveals the top 5 questions you should ask every man on a first date and the number-one thing you should know before you do.
For more info about Maryanne’s tv/webinar series on inner-viewing, In the Ring with Maryanne, www.maryannelive.com.
July 27, 2010
Maryanne answers questions on group sex
Group Sex Questions: Good or Bad?
Did you know you are 32 times LESS likely divorced if you were born and raised in Sri Lanka than if you were born in the US? Interesting, yes? Did you also know that before Sri Lankans marry they have their compatibility charts done? Pretty progressive, right? Why, with our failure rate so dismal, would we continue to rely on chemistry? We have already proven (see Dr. Helen Fisher’s latest studies) that just because someone turns you on doesn’t mean they will make a good life partner, parent or mate. So, why do we keep on falling for it?
he answer according to my friend, sociobiologist Rebecca Costa, is—because we can. The good news is, we don’t have to! If what she is saying is true, evolution has (maybe for the first time in history) become a choice. We can choose to use that part of our brain which is just sitting there waiting for those of us who want to move towards the phenomenal rather than settle for the mediocre. I say, let’s give evolution a chance! Watch out Viagra and Larry Flint…and say hello to my little friend (who is free, by the way—sorry, GlaxoSmithKlein), Consciousness.
Listener Question:
“My neighbor’s wife wants to have sex with my wife. My wife has fantasized about having sex with her. The idea of the two of them together really turns me on. How do I get my wife to do it?” - Tom (50, St. Paul, MN)
Consider this: if we keep our heads in the sand, wait another 20 to 30 years, and you’ll see this is in fact what we are doing: leaving our children and the generations to come with a mess that treats stress with sex. Which means we are spiritually and morally bankrupt and have lost our way. If we weren’t, most of us we wouldn’t be worrying as much about hooking up, but instead trying to figure out how to make a difference with the time we have left. By the way, that doesn’t include trying to get your wife to have lesbian sex with your neighbor. No, Tom, just because she can’t get pregnant doesn’t mean isn’t an ignorant waste of your time! Look, as my brother I sincerely wish you every blessing including that you embrace a path of higher consciousness, recognizing the value and divine feminine in each being.
Listener Question:
“I met this wonderful man on a dating site and we really connected. We started going out over a month ago. For some reason, I felt really comfortable with him and revealed a lot about myself to him right away: the fact that I was raped 10 years ago, the fact that I struggle with anorexia and depression… I realize that I should not have disclosed so much so soon, but it’s too late to change that now. We even got very intimate physically very fast.
It is very hard for me to trust men, considering what I went through, but I feel so comfortable and safe with him… and I don’t want to let that go. However, two weeks ago, he called me up and said that he didn’t think we should continue dating.
We still talk but he is pulling back. I want him to call me. I am afraid to call him, as I don’t want to seem pushy and I don’t want to scare him further away. I just want him to give us a chance and see where it goes. I have explained to him that I am not asking for a commitment right now and that I am willing to take things slowly. But I can’t seem to put his mind at ease and lessen his confusion. What can I say to him? I just want him to give it a try. Is there hope for this? I am not sure what else to do. How do I convince him to take a risk and take a chance on me?”
Melissa (Santa Monica, CA)
Convincing someone to be with you seems a desperate act, never mind that you’re willing to subscribe to the notion that being with you is risky and that the outcome of the relationship would be left to chance.
Look, there’s no shame in being a work in progress; who isn’t? There are, however, some basic ingredients that make for a great, fulfilling, sustainable relationship, none of which you have mentioned. Instead your situation is plagued with fear, anxiety, insecurity, doubt, wreckage and unemployment. I say change your focus: before you make another move take a good look at your love and flair for the dramatic. Then get a hold of your incredible, amazing self and ask it this; “Do I want to spend my life with someone who isn’t falling all over themselves to be with me or, at minimum, reciprocating my interest in kind?”
In the meantime I would like you to take some of that energy you are spending trying to get someone to love you and invest it in yourself. Start by making a list of all the things you value about yourself (if you need a jump-start ask some people you already know and love, who know and love you, perhaps a family member or relative or close personal friend). This is a powerful, juicy exercise in self-love that quickly reminds you what’s great about you, and like I always say, Great relationships begin within!
Did you know you are 32 times LESS likely divorced if you were born and raised in Sri Lanka than if you were born in the US? Interesting, yes? Did you also know that before Sri Lankans marry they have their compatibility charts done? Pretty progressive, right? Why, with our failure rate so dismal, would we continue to rely on chemistry? We have already proven (see Dr. Helen Fisher’s latest studies) that just because someone turns you on doesn’t mean they will make a good life partner, parent or mate. So, why do we keep on falling for it?
he answer according to my friend, sociobiologist Rebecca Costa, is—because we can. The good news is, we don’t have to! If what she is saying is true, evolution has (maybe for the first time in history) become a choice. We can choose to use that part of our brain which is just sitting there waiting for those of us who want to move towards the phenomenal rather than settle for the mediocre. I say, let’s give evolution a chance! Watch out Viagra and Larry Flint…and say hello to my little friend (who is free, by the way—sorry, GlaxoSmithKlein), Consciousness.
Listener Question:
“My neighbor’s wife wants to have sex with my wife. My wife has fantasized about having sex with her. The idea of the two of them together really turns me on. How do I get my wife to do it?” - Tom (50, St. Paul, MN)
Consider this: if we keep our heads in the sand, wait another 20 to 30 years, and you’ll see this is in fact what we are doing: leaving our children and the generations to come with a mess that treats stress with sex. Which means we are spiritually and morally bankrupt and have lost our way. If we weren’t, most of us we wouldn’t be worrying as much about hooking up, but instead trying to figure out how to make a difference with the time we have left. By the way, that doesn’t include trying to get your wife to have lesbian sex with your neighbor. No, Tom, just because she can’t get pregnant doesn’t mean isn’t an ignorant waste of your time! Look, as my brother I sincerely wish you every blessing including that you embrace a path of higher consciousness, recognizing the value and divine feminine in each being.
Listener Question:
“I met this wonderful man on a dating site and we really connected. We started going out over a month ago. For some reason, I felt really comfortable with him and revealed a lot about myself to him right away: the fact that I was raped 10 years ago, the fact that I struggle with anorexia and depression… I realize that I should not have disclosed so much so soon, but it’s too late to change that now. We even got very intimate physically very fast.
It is very hard for me to trust men, considering what I went through, but I feel so comfortable and safe with him… and I don’t want to let that go. However, two weeks ago, he called me up and said that he didn’t think we should continue dating.
We still talk but he is pulling back. I want him to call me. I am afraid to call him, as I don’t want to seem pushy and I don’t want to scare him further away. I just want him to give us a chance and see where it goes. I have explained to him that I am not asking for a commitment right now and that I am willing to take things slowly. But I can’t seem to put his mind at ease and lessen his confusion. What can I say to him? I just want him to give it a try. Is there hope for this? I am not sure what else to do. How do I convince him to take a risk and take a chance on me?”
Melissa (Santa Monica, CA)
Convincing someone to be with you seems a desperate act, never mind that you’re willing to subscribe to the notion that being with you is risky and that the outcome of the relationship would be left to chance.
Look, there’s no shame in being a work in progress; who isn’t? There are, however, some basic ingredients that make for a great, fulfilling, sustainable relationship, none of which you have mentioned. Instead your situation is plagued with fear, anxiety, insecurity, doubt, wreckage and unemployment. I say change your focus: before you make another move take a good look at your love and flair for the dramatic. Then get a hold of your incredible, amazing self and ask it this; “Do I want to spend my life with someone who isn’t falling all over themselves to be with me or, at minimum, reciprocating my interest in kind?”
In the meantime I would like you to take some of that energy you are spending trying to get someone to love you and invest it in yourself. Start by making a list of all the things you value about yourself (if you need a jump-start ask some people you already know and love, who know and love you, perhaps a family member or relative or close personal friend). This is a powerful, juicy exercise in self-love that quickly reminds you what’s great about you, and like I always say, Great relationships begin within!
July 12, 2010
Relationship advice
Ask Maryanne
Maryanne shares her answers to some of the questions readers and listeners send. Want your question answered? Email info@maryannelive.com !
“I recently got back together with my ex-boyfriend then he broke up with me again, then we got back together then he broke up again and now we are back together. He barely ever calls me or texts me; sometimes three days will go by before he contacts me. We both have kids but we don’t hang out with them. He’s not interested in my family, I’m not sure if he is serious about our relationship. What are the signs I should look for to tell me that he is?”
- Amanda (23, Hilbert, WI)
ROCK SLIDE AHEAD, CAUTION, GO BACK YOU ARE GOING WRONG WAY! How's that for a sign? Then ask yourself, what are you doing with this guy? Is it the challenge? You can’t stand rejection? Or maybe a lack of self-esteem? Or maybe he’s got a big heart and you know deep down he really wants to be serious but he can’t seem to show it but you’re going to wait because you have no other prospects, nothing better to do, or are telling yourself he’s definitely going to change.
Maybe if you’re lucky, he will see the signs you can’t seem to see and leave you once and for all so you can get on with your life and eventually find someone wants the same things you do, hopefully before your kids are gown and emotionally mangled. The truth is, you don’t need signs when the writing is on the wall right there in black and white.
You want a serious relationship, he wants a casual one. And even though facing the truth stings and even hurts sometimes, you always get the gift; a sense of self-respect and self-love that will be a part of you for the rest of your life and the freedom to consciously choose something else for yourself and the family that is already serious about you! Go forth and love yourself, ‘cause like I always say, Great relationships begin within!!
I recently proposed to the woman I have been living with for 10 years who is also the mother of our 8-year-old-child. She says she doesn’t think she’s ready to make this kind of commitment. I feel cheated, confused and suddenly afraid to lose my family. I don’t know where I stand now as I wasn’t expecting this and am wondering what I should do?
- Alvin (33, Pasadena, CA)
What great questions Alvin, particularly the one about wondering where you stand, because I am going to show you exactly where you stand right now! Whether this moment is filled with angst, doubt, fear or overwhelming feelings of rejection, you ALWAYS have you! That’s where you stand. (And your eight-year-old is counting on that!) Now that you see there is no WE without ME!
But what you stand for is what might be confusing you (and perhaps everyone else concerned here), seeing as you have stood for things in the past that have suddenly changed. After 10 years, why now? Do you simply want to be closer, or is something else causing you to feel insecure? What were you expecting? Had you talked about being married? And what’s up with feeling cheated; did she promise you something and then take it away, or threaten to leave you? Is there an ultimatum on the table like “Marry me or I am leaving”? All things you may want to consider before you take any action at all.
Alvin, you have made it a whole decade with this person without being married, which you can be proud of! Now go talk with your partner and find out where her head and heart are at before you jump to any conclusions. She may be overwhelmed or have a legitimate concern about getting married. If you still feel confused about where and for what you stand in this relationship you might consider that a little prayer never hurt anyone! And then listen some more…anytime we drop to our knees and asks for Divine guidance, angels sing! Hugs and blessings, my friend.
For more info about Maryanne and her relationship coaching etc., visit http://maryannelive.com
Maryanne shares her answers to some of the questions readers and listeners send. Want your question answered? Email info@maryannelive.com !
“I recently got back together with my ex-boyfriend then he broke up with me again, then we got back together then he broke up again and now we are back together. He barely ever calls me or texts me; sometimes three days will go by before he contacts me. We both have kids but we don’t hang out with them. He’s not interested in my family, I’m not sure if he is serious about our relationship. What are the signs I should look for to tell me that he is?”
- Amanda (23, Hilbert, WI)
ROCK SLIDE AHEAD, CAUTION, GO BACK YOU ARE GOING WRONG WAY! How's that for a sign? Then ask yourself, what are you doing with this guy? Is it the challenge? You can’t stand rejection? Or maybe a lack of self-esteem? Or maybe he’s got a big heart and you know deep down he really wants to be serious but he can’t seem to show it but you’re going to wait because you have no other prospects, nothing better to do, or are telling yourself he’s definitely going to change.
Maybe if you’re lucky, he will see the signs you can’t seem to see and leave you once and for all so you can get on with your life and eventually find someone wants the same things you do, hopefully before your kids are gown and emotionally mangled. The truth is, you don’t need signs when the writing is on the wall right there in black and white.
You want a serious relationship, he wants a casual one. And even though facing the truth stings and even hurts sometimes, you always get the gift; a sense of self-respect and self-love that will be a part of you for the rest of your life and the freedom to consciously choose something else for yourself and the family that is already serious about you! Go forth and love yourself, ‘cause like I always say, Great relationships begin within!!
I recently proposed to the woman I have been living with for 10 years who is also the mother of our 8-year-old-child. She says she doesn’t think she’s ready to make this kind of commitment. I feel cheated, confused and suddenly afraid to lose my family. I don’t know where I stand now as I wasn’t expecting this and am wondering what I should do?
- Alvin (33, Pasadena, CA)
What great questions Alvin, particularly the one about wondering where you stand, because I am going to show you exactly where you stand right now! Whether this moment is filled with angst, doubt, fear or overwhelming feelings of rejection, you ALWAYS have you! That’s where you stand. (And your eight-year-old is counting on that!) Now that you see there is no WE without ME!
But what you stand for is what might be confusing you (and perhaps everyone else concerned here), seeing as you have stood for things in the past that have suddenly changed. After 10 years, why now? Do you simply want to be closer, or is something else causing you to feel insecure? What were you expecting? Had you talked about being married? And what’s up with feeling cheated; did she promise you something and then take it away, or threaten to leave you? Is there an ultimatum on the table like “Marry me or I am leaving”? All things you may want to consider before you take any action at all.
Alvin, you have made it a whole decade with this person without being married, which you can be proud of! Now go talk with your partner and find out where her head and heart are at before you jump to any conclusions. She may be overwhelmed or have a legitimate concern about getting married. If you still feel confused about where and for what you stand in this relationship you might consider that a little prayer never hurt anyone! And then listen some more…anytime we drop to our knees and asks for Divine guidance, angels sing! Hugs and blessings, my friend.
For more info about Maryanne and her relationship coaching etc., visit http://maryannelive.com
July 5, 2010
How to say no
By Maryanne Comaroto
“NO” is one of those words that most women have difficulty uttering for fear we will not be liked or loved, yet sometimes it is the very word that is a door between us and what we really want. Think about it for a minute, and you will see that “No” sometimes means you might have avoided some unnecessary discomfort, even pain and suffering. Practically speaking, NO is the sound that your body makes when it contracts, and it’s a natural reflex. It’s when we override this inner wisdom that we get into trouble.
Evans asks,
“My ex girlfriend says she likes me, but she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment right now. We began kissing and holding hands 2 weeks after the breakup but she stopped because she doesn’t want to complicate things. What should I do if I want to win her back?”
What about “she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment” is confusing you? I would say it sounds like she has made it clear she does not want more (beyond a few shnuggles). If you genuinely want to know why she left you so you can better yourself or learn something about relationships, ask her; but only because you would like to understand where you went wrong in her eyes, not because you want to win something, particularly her affection and heart. My advice: relationship is not a sport!
Brandon asks,
“On several occasions I have asked my fiancé how much she loves me and if she’s willing to sacrifice things like; moving, leaving her friends and family to come with me. She constantly avoids the questions. What I want to know is does she really love me seeing as she doesn’t seem willing to give up some things for our relationship?"
Instead of focusing on the idea of: “How do I love thee? Let me count the things that I will sacrifice to prove it!” why not instead rejoice in the fact that out of almost 7 billion people on the planet she chose YOU? There you have it, instant feel-good. You’ll see that she is committed (and has sacrificed) after all - you’ve simply been staring at the glass half-empty!
Melissa asks,
"My husband of 19 yrs. was just caught having an affair. It was going on for 2 ½ years. Since then he has been begging, pleading, etc., that it was a mistake and he only wants me and the kids. I believe he is close to a nervous breakdown. Here is my question; the only place they ever saw each other was at her apartment during the day for sex 2-3x a month. He never bought her anything, took her anywhere or gave her any money. She confirmed this so it has to be true. He insists he never cared for her, it was only sex. He never told her he loved her. He called her in front of me and told her I love my wife, you were only sex, she freaked. Could it be true to have a 2 ½ yr affair and have no feelings for her? "
I think I understand your dilemma; you want to believe him yet the very nature of what he has done makes that seem impossible. Monogamy, while it’s not always easy, makes us feel safe and is a way we respect our personal boundaries with other people as we move through the world. Then there is the second and equally devastating issue of lying; in your case not just once but for two-and–a-half years straight. When any one of these foundational pieces takes a hit, naturally our relationship falls apart. The question is, what would it take for you to trust this man again, to believe that he will tell you the truth? And while you are at it, what’s your part in this?
If you had to ask yourself how you were complicit, what would you say? The good news is, never before have we lived in a time where we had more healing tools available to us. You can get a copy of one of my favorite books on the matter; How to Love your Marriage by Eve Eschner Hogan. Thank you for reaching out.
Blessings! http://maryannelive.com
“NO” is one of those words that most women have difficulty uttering for fear we will not be liked or loved, yet sometimes it is the very word that is a door between us and what we really want. Think about it for a minute, and you will see that “No” sometimes means you might have avoided some unnecessary discomfort, even pain and suffering. Practically speaking, NO is the sound that your body makes when it contracts, and it’s a natural reflex. It’s when we override this inner wisdom that we get into trouble.
Evans asks,
“My ex girlfriend says she likes me, but she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment right now. We began kissing and holding hands 2 weeks after the breakup but she stopped because she doesn’t want to complicate things. What should I do if I want to win her back?”
What about “she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment” is confusing you? I would say it sounds like she has made it clear she does not want more (beyond a few shnuggles). If you genuinely want to know why she left you so you can better yourself or learn something about relationships, ask her; but only because you would like to understand where you went wrong in her eyes, not because you want to win something, particularly her affection and heart. My advice: relationship is not a sport!
Brandon asks,
“On several occasions I have asked my fiancé how much she loves me and if she’s willing to sacrifice things like; moving, leaving her friends and family to come with me. She constantly avoids the questions. What I want to know is does she really love me seeing as she doesn’t seem willing to give up some things for our relationship?"
Instead of focusing on the idea of: “How do I love thee? Let me count the things that I will sacrifice to prove it!” why not instead rejoice in the fact that out of almost 7 billion people on the planet she chose YOU? There you have it, instant feel-good. You’ll see that she is committed (and has sacrificed) after all - you’ve simply been staring at the glass half-empty!
Melissa asks,
"My husband of 19 yrs. was just caught having an affair. It was going on for 2 ½ years. Since then he has been begging, pleading, etc., that it was a mistake and he only wants me and the kids. I believe he is close to a nervous breakdown. Here is my question; the only place they ever saw each other was at her apartment during the day for sex 2-3x a month. He never bought her anything, took her anywhere or gave her any money. She confirmed this so it has to be true. He insists he never cared for her, it was only sex. He never told her he loved her. He called her in front of me and told her I love my wife, you were only sex, she freaked. Could it be true to have a 2 ½ yr affair and have no feelings for her? "
I think I understand your dilemma; you want to believe him yet the very nature of what he has done makes that seem impossible. Monogamy, while it’s not always easy, makes us feel safe and is a way we respect our personal boundaries with other people as we move through the world. Then there is the second and equally devastating issue of lying; in your case not just once but for two-and–a-half years straight. When any one of these foundational pieces takes a hit, naturally our relationship falls apart. The question is, what would it take for you to trust this man again, to believe that he will tell you the truth? And while you are at it, what’s your part in this?
If you had to ask yourself how you were complicit, what would you say? The good news is, never before have we lived in a time where we had more healing tools available to us. You can get a copy of one of my favorite books on the matter; How to Love your Marriage by Eve Eschner Hogan. Thank you for reaching out.
Blessings! http://maryannelive.com
June 25, 2010
Can you find freedom in commitment?
By Maryanne Comaroto
My husband David and I were on the approach to The Golden Gate Bridge, on our way to the airport, when I had a “feeling” to check my cell. Sure enough, four calls within minutes, evidence someone was urgently trying to reach me. Validation that my intuition (i.e. that feeling) was working.
That’s what this blog is about: how our commitment to our practice of connecting to our inner guidance and wisdom, which David and I affectionately refer to as our “self-inquiry” practice, offers us the opportunity for real freedom. This might sound ridiculous or even confusing—freedom through commitment, yeah, right? Thirty years ago I might have agreed: I was simply not a fan of doing anything (except breathe in and out) for long periods of time, which in large part is what commitment implied to me.
So back to the bridge: here we were, careening down the freeway, bags packed, cat care, dog care, empty fridge of anything that won’t keep, phone charger, iPod headphones, 3 oz of EVERYTHING, and so forth.
So while none of these details occur to me as I get the updated schedule I could feel the freight train of momentum behind me come to a screeching halt, but I hardly flinched, and instead of derailing or even sitting on the swell, it actually did not come. It was almost weird, like slow motion—I saw it all happening in some altered state or zone. Even though I could feel the suck to kvetch, I let the train go down the track and took a left. Actually, took a North to be more exact!
Instead my head flooded with alternate thoughts, happy and magical ones at that. I wonder what this all means? What wonderful thing will happen instead? As soon as we arrived back home we decided to explore those questions more literally. We sat quietly in a soft meditation, in which I heard; Pick a direction. And by “heard,” I mean from the same place I had that feeling, that intuition to check my phone. I opened my eyes and promptly blurted what I had “heard” and since David speaks Maryanne without hesitation he closed his eyes and in a moment said “North feels good.”
After a few more questions refining our upcoming sojourn, we eagerly piled in the car and headed up North, filled with wonder about what was in store. Just prior to takeoff I had another hunch to do a Google search for boutique hotels in the area we decided to visit and stumbled across a gorgeous property, which just happened to have a last-minute cancelation in an otherwise fully committed weekend, said the reservationist in shock and awe. I squealed with delight. The reservationist squealed along with me; absolute joy is contagious! We were on our way.
To say we had a perfect weekend would be no exaggeration; one synchronicity after another unveiled the next stitch in the tapestry of this extraordinary and unexpected holiday.
Just when I thought I couldn’t have any more fun, possibly expand one tiny little bit more (How much joy is one person allowed to experience? I wondered), I remembered. Oh yeah: every day, in every moment is an opportunity for the universe to unfold in all its magical ways. All I have to do is be willing to stay on my path, which means being committed to my daily practice (going with the flow, letting the train go down the track, praying for guidance and direction, etc.) while at the same time getting out of my own way, instead of being bound by control issues or resentments or fear or anxiety or worry or blame ad nauseum. Real Freedom, freedom to participate, to trust and to behold life unfolding in its own amazing and glorious perfection!! Undoubtedly the gift of commitment. What a splendid way to roll!
Learn to celebrate yourself with Maryanne's video webinar series this summer, teaching you how to ask the right questions of potential dates BEFORE you agree to a relationship ~ honor yourself and what you deserve! http://bit.ly/cvsc90
My husband David and I were on the approach to The Golden Gate Bridge, on our way to the airport, when I had a “feeling” to check my cell. Sure enough, four calls within minutes, evidence someone was urgently trying to reach me. Validation that my intuition (i.e. that feeling) was working.
That’s what this blog is about: how our commitment to our practice of connecting to our inner guidance and wisdom, which David and I affectionately refer to as our “self-inquiry” practice, offers us the opportunity for real freedom. This might sound ridiculous or even confusing—freedom through commitment, yeah, right? Thirty years ago I might have agreed: I was simply not a fan of doing anything (except breathe in and out) for long periods of time, which in large part is what commitment implied to me.
So back to the bridge: here we were, careening down the freeway, bags packed, cat care, dog care, empty fridge of anything that won’t keep, phone charger, iPod headphones, 3 oz of EVERYTHING, and so forth.
So while none of these details occur to me as I get the updated schedule I could feel the freight train of momentum behind me come to a screeching halt, but I hardly flinched, and instead of derailing or even sitting on the swell, it actually did not come. It was almost weird, like slow motion—I saw it all happening in some altered state or zone. Even though I could feel the suck to kvetch, I let the train go down the track and took a left. Actually, took a North to be more exact!
Instead my head flooded with alternate thoughts, happy and magical ones at that. I wonder what this all means? What wonderful thing will happen instead? As soon as we arrived back home we decided to explore those questions more literally. We sat quietly in a soft meditation, in which I heard; Pick a direction. And by “heard,” I mean from the same place I had that feeling, that intuition to check my phone. I opened my eyes and promptly blurted what I had “heard” and since David speaks Maryanne without hesitation he closed his eyes and in a moment said “North feels good.”
After a few more questions refining our upcoming sojourn, we eagerly piled in the car and headed up North, filled with wonder about what was in store. Just prior to takeoff I had another hunch to do a Google search for boutique hotels in the area we decided to visit and stumbled across a gorgeous property, which just happened to have a last-minute cancelation in an otherwise fully committed weekend, said the reservationist in shock and awe. I squealed with delight. The reservationist squealed along with me; absolute joy is contagious! We were on our way.
To say we had a perfect weekend would be no exaggeration; one synchronicity after another unveiled the next stitch in the tapestry of this extraordinary and unexpected holiday.
Just when I thought I couldn’t have any more fun, possibly expand one tiny little bit more (How much joy is one person allowed to experience? I wondered), I remembered. Oh yeah: every day, in every moment is an opportunity for the universe to unfold in all its magical ways. All I have to do is be willing to stay on my path, which means being committed to my daily practice (going with the flow, letting the train go down the track, praying for guidance and direction, etc.) while at the same time getting out of my own way, instead of being bound by control issues or resentments or fear or anxiety or worry or blame ad nauseum. Real Freedom, freedom to participate, to trust and to behold life unfolding in its own amazing and glorious perfection!! Undoubtedly the gift of commitment. What a splendid way to roll!
Learn to celebrate yourself with Maryanne's video webinar series this summer, teaching you how to ask the right questions of potential dates BEFORE you agree to a relationship ~ honor yourself and what you deserve! http://bit.ly/cvsc90
June 14, 2010
Hope in a Hopi Prayer
Yesterday morning I woke up rocked me by a dream trilogy that spoke to me in the kind of way some dreams do and leave a film that you just can’t shake. After about a half hour of trying to analyze the dream and figure out what the “message” was, I gave up and decided to simply surrender into the heaviness that accompanied it (which, of course, I wasn’t in the mood for and was resisting).
Which also meant that my day would likely involve tears and being uncomfortable and not being able to say “Fine!” when anyone asked how I was doing today. All the stuff my mind loves to bookmark for workshops, long walks with dear friends—you know, more appropriate times. Not right in the middle of my life. How rude.
So, because I trust my practice and know that the highest truth for me is to move in and through whatever is here, particularly when the tug is strong, I did. I know there is always a gift waiting for me when I take care to do “the work.” For me this ultimately means the need to feel, heal and deal with whatever is here and not climb over it! So, I cried through getting my hair cut, before and after my radio show, at the acupuncturist, in the parking lot—and eventually realized what it was that my dream was trying to tell me. That I was sad and needed to cry. That’s all.
Some of it was old, some of it was current; bottom line, I had stuffed and been stuffing some grief and simply needed to feel it, so it waited and then spilled over ‘cause I couldn’t hold it back any more. The difference between me today and even ten years ago is; today I know that it’s okay to be sad, to feel whatever, wherever and whenever I need to. It’s part of how I love myself. Funnily enough, I didn’t apologize as much, and I didn’t tell a long story to some of the folks who saw me cry, I just said whatever made me feel more comfortable. As a result of being true to myself, I got some great hugs and much-needed Kleenex. Imagine that!!
When I got home a friend had sent me this Hopi prayer and I thought, “How Divine is that! The gifts are already beginning to pour in as I emptied out.” So I thought I would pass my story and it along, just in case you need a hug, some hope or maybe permission to have a good cry! Enjoy…
HOPI MESSAGE
“You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour.
And there are things to be considered:
Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relationships? Are you in right relationship?
Where is your water? Know your garden.
It is a time to speak your Truth.
Create your community. Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader.
This could be a good time!
There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore.
They will feel they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination.
The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river
See who is in there with you
And celebrate.
At this time in history we are to take nothing personally.
Least of all ourselves.
For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.
The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!
Banish the word “struggle” from your attitude and your vocabulary.
All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.
We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”
Learn to celebrate yourself with Maryanne's video webinar series this summer, teaching you how to ask the right questions of potential dates BEFORE you agree to a relationship ~ honor yourself and what you deserve! http://bit.ly/cvsc90
Which also meant that my day would likely involve tears and being uncomfortable and not being able to say “Fine!” when anyone asked how I was doing today. All the stuff my mind loves to bookmark for workshops, long walks with dear friends—you know, more appropriate times. Not right in the middle of my life. How rude.
So, because I trust my practice and know that the highest truth for me is to move in and through whatever is here, particularly when the tug is strong, I did. I know there is always a gift waiting for me when I take care to do “the work.” For me this ultimately means the need to feel, heal and deal with whatever is here and not climb over it! So, I cried through getting my hair cut, before and after my radio show, at the acupuncturist, in the parking lot—and eventually realized what it was that my dream was trying to tell me. That I was sad and needed to cry. That’s all.
Some of it was old, some of it was current; bottom line, I had stuffed and been stuffing some grief and simply needed to feel it, so it waited and then spilled over ‘cause I couldn’t hold it back any more. The difference between me today and even ten years ago is; today I know that it’s okay to be sad, to feel whatever, wherever and whenever I need to. It’s part of how I love myself. Funnily enough, I didn’t apologize as much, and I didn’t tell a long story to some of the folks who saw me cry, I just said whatever made me feel more comfortable. As a result of being true to myself, I got some great hugs and much-needed Kleenex. Imagine that!!
When I got home a friend had sent me this Hopi prayer and I thought, “How Divine is that! The gifts are already beginning to pour in as I emptied out.” So I thought I would pass my story and it along, just in case you need a hug, some hope or maybe permission to have a good cry! Enjoy…
HOPI MESSAGE
“You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour
Now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour.
And there are things to be considered:
Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relationships? Are you in right relationship?
Where is your water? Know your garden.
It is a time to speak your Truth.
Create your community. Be good to each other.
And do not look outside yourself for the leader.
This could be a good time!
There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold on to the shore.
They will feel they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination.
The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river
See who is in there with you
And celebrate.
At this time in history we are to take nothing personally.
Least of all ourselves.
For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.
The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!
Banish the word “struggle” from your attitude and your vocabulary.
All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.
We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.”
Learn to celebrate yourself with Maryanne's video webinar series this summer, teaching you how to ask the right questions of potential dates BEFORE you agree to a relationship ~ honor yourself and what you deserve! http://bit.ly/cvsc90
June 7, 2010
The BEST Dating Advice
People ask me all the time for dating tips and advice, and I definitely have some current favorites. Whether you’re back on the dating scene after a divorce/difficult breakup/death of a spouse; whether you were plain old dumped and are afraid to have your heart broken again, a single parent, are intimidated by online dating, wouldn’t know where to start or even what to say if you saw someone you liked, or are simply starting over, try these on for size.
Don’t lead with “sexy” unless you want someone to value that most about you!
You don’t need to “sell” yourself. Remember that who you are is not for sale.
Notice if you like who you are more, or like who you are less in the presence of a potential partner. Do they automatically bring out the best or worst in you? Example, do you feel insecure and unsure about yourself, or leave wondering if they like you? Or do you feel calm, comfortable, warm inside and invigorated as a result? Keep in mind: there is little difference between excitement and fear, yet there IS a difference!
Slow down, no need to be desperate, even if you feel desperate! Here’s a handy tool I call think it through. Remember the last time you were gaga for someone and the relationship ended badly? Remind yourself that just because someone seems like they might be a good fit, there’s no need to rush. This will usually cool your proverbial jets no matter how hot or perfect someone SEEMS at the time! Remember there are 1.45 million potential mates out there for you, Again, slow down. Think School Zone!
Smile at your sisters every day: there is plenty of love to go around and around. There are 1.45 million potential partners for everyone looking!
Find out what someone you like is bringing to the party. That’s right, you know what you have going on; remember this works both ways. Want a balanced relationship with flow, not all you give and they take? Then, find out what they have to offer.
Go for the ones who think you’re easy to love! I used to be afraid I was too much/too sensitive/ too high-maintenance, until I decided to re-frame and love my big nature/sensitivity/preference for processing and self-inquiry. And, it turns out, so does my husband!
Do something every day to get ready for your new relationship. Do a clearing exercise of your past relationships, let go of old pictures or items that remind you of the past not the future, or, like I did, marry yourself so you know you’re ready for commitment!
Resist the urge to merge until you find out if this person has the same relationship goals as you do and that YOU are in fact a candidate! Sex does not a relationship make!
Take care, use your common sense and set yourself up to succeed, not fail!
Make your list of non-negotiables, things that come hell or high water are deal breakers! Like smoking, drugs, polygamy, porn…whatever does NOT work for you!! (for more info on deal-breakers get a copy of Hindsight, What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers.)
But the best advice I could ever give, which took me many years to realize and even longer to understand and put successfully into practice, is: Great relationships begin within!®
If you want some “inner-viewing” tips, go to www.maryannelive.com and sign up for Maryanne's new webinar series starting June 14. You can watch her doing one of the things she does best, asking the IMORTANT questions of six live bachelors, one per week, real people, real time. You can choose to simply listen, to ask questions, or to be eligible for a date with the bachelor of your choice. Learn how and when to ask the essential questions, and build your Relationship Toolbelt so you can craft healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationships!
Don’t lead with “sexy” unless you want someone to value that most about you!
You don’t need to “sell” yourself. Remember that who you are is not for sale.
Notice if you like who you are more, or like who you are less in the presence of a potential partner. Do they automatically bring out the best or worst in you? Example, do you feel insecure and unsure about yourself, or leave wondering if they like you? Or do you feel calm, comfortable, warm inside and invigorated as a result? Keep in mind: there is little difference between excitement and fear, yet there IS a difference!
Slow down, no need to be desperate, even if you feel desperate! Here’s a handy tool I call think it through. Remember the last time you were gaga for someone and the relationship ended badly? Remind yourself that just because someone seems like they might be a good fit, there’s no need to rush. This will usually cool your proverbial jets no matter how hot or perfect someone SEEMS at the time! Remember there are 1.45 million potential mates out there for you, Again, slow down. Think School Zone!
Smile at your sisters every day: there is plenty of love to go around and around. There are 1.45 million potential partners for everyone looking!
Find out what someone you like is bringing to the party. That’s right, you know what you have going on; remember this works both ways. Want a balanced relationship with flow, not all you give and they take? Then, find out what they have to offer.
Go for the ones who think you’re easy to love! I used to be afraid I was too much/too sensitive/ too high-maintenance, until I decided to re-frame and love my big nature/sensitivity/preference for processing and self-inquiry. And, it turns out, so does my husband!
Do something every day to get ready for your new relationship. Do a clearing exercise of your past relationships, let go of old pictures or items that remind you of the past not the future, or, like I did, marry yourself so you know you’re ready for commitment!
Resist the urge to merge until you find out if this person has the same relationship goals as you do and that YOU are in fact a candidate! Sex does not a relationship make!
Take care, use your common sense and set yourself up to succeed, not fail!
Make your list of non-negotiables, things that come hell or high water are deal breakers! Like smoking, drugs, polygamy, porn…whatever does NOT work for you!! (for more info on deal-breakers get a copy of Hindsight, What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers.)
But the best advice I could ever give, which took me many years to realize and even longer to understand and put successfully into practice, is: Great relationships begin within!®
If you want some “inner-viewing” tips, go to www.maryannelive.com and sign up for Maryanne's new webinar series starting June 14. You can watch her doing one of the things she does best, asking the IMORTANT questions of six live bachelors, one per week, real people, real time. You can choose to simply listen, to ask questions, or to be eligible for a date with the bachelor of your choice. Learn how and when to ask the essential questions, and build your Relationship Toolbelt so you can craft healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationships!
May 31, 2010
Innerviewing: The Heart Smart Way!
One of my favorite Maryanne mantras is; you have to learn how use this (your head) before you do this (have sex) so you don’t break this (your heart)! And for many of us we can sadly add…again. Sounds simple enough, right? Yeah, well, we all know that when we get the urge to merge it can be so intoxicating that we give in to it, hoping this chemistry will magically translate into Happily Ever After. Yes, I did say you break your own heart, ‘cause love doesn’t happen outside yourself, and while your heart may feel broken, the heart cannot break per se. Love and the heart, like everything else, is energy—in this case, when it comes to relationships, a shared field of energy. Given that energy does not break, rather it changes form, how then can we avoid this painful changing of form, perhaps, for some of you, again?
The easy answer is; you cannot, as the only thing constant in life is change. I am sure that is not the answer you were looking for. Unfortunately however, it’s as true as the fact that the sun is the sun—no matter how much you may not want it to set, that’s what it does and there is nothing to do but accept it. Unless you’re hopelessly romantic or convinced you’ll be the first person who ever lived to successfully stop it, so you’ll chase the sun trying to convince yourself it’s possible, like so may of us do with love.
As for me, I felt my heart had been slain a thousand times by men and love; my dreams had been trodden on, discarded, discounted; you name it, I felt it! I decided that I would narrow my search. Instead of the perfect relationship, I would seek the thing that would never leave me, abandon me, dispose of me, ignore me, be indifferent to me; the one something that would always be true. I would look for the highest truth of all, the real Happily Ever After, and I wouldn’t stop until I found it.
After many years of searching I did find real and true lasting love, ironically, it was in the last place I thought to look—inside of me and in my own heart. Not in someone else’s embrace or bed, not actually with anyone else at all. Looking back I would say, after all these years of becoming heart smart, discovering that the field of love I had sought for so long is inside of me continues to be one of the greatest gifts and highest truths I have ever awakened to.
Since we are love, we now set out to selectively share our lives with people who share similar values and beliefs, who agree that attracting and creating a healthy, fulfilling relationship is about more than chemistry—it’s about, soul, spirit, compatibility, and respect. So let’s together set our sights on being Heart Smart:
Five steps to being heart smart:
Develop a practice of self-inquiry: the mind is here to serve our body so we can follow our spirit.
Remember, love is a field and energy, and just because you FEEL love near or towards someone doesn’t mean they are the best choice for you.
Part of loving yourself means not compromising your safety, integrity or heart’s desires.
Understanding that sex feels good and ultimately triggers expectation and attachment, think it through before you do.
Just because you think love happens outside yourself doesn’t mean it’s true! Be a seeker of higher truth!
Maryanne will be teaching a live video webinar on how to “inner-view” potential dates or mates BEFORE you agree to a date or relationship. She'll be featuring a very eligible bachelor and showing participants the best questions to ask and how to respond, live, on the fly, in real time! Sign up here: http://bit.ly/cvsc90
The easy answer is; you cannot, as the only thing constant in life is change. I am sure that is not the answer you were looking for. Unfortunately however, it’s as true as the fact that the sun is the sun—no matter how much you may not want it to set, that’s what it does and there is nothing to do but accept it. Unless you’re hopelessly romantic or convinced you’ll be the first person who ever lived to successfully stop it, so you’ll chase the sun trying to convince yourself it’s possible, like so may of us do with love.
As for me, I felt my heart had been slain a thousand times by men and love; my dreams had been trodden on, discarded, discounted; you name it, I felt it! I decided that I would narrow my search. Instead of the perfect relationship, I would seek the thing that would never leave me, abandon me, dispose of me, ignore me, be indifferent to me; the one something that would always be true. I would look for the highest truth of all, the real Happily Ever After, and I wouldn’t stop until I found it.
After many years of searching I did find real and true lasting love, ironically, it was in the last place I thought to look—inside of me and in my own heart. Not in someone else’s embrace or bed, not actually with anyone else at all. Looking back I would say, after all these years of becoming heart smart, discovering that the field of love I had sought for so long is inside of me continues to be one of the greatest gifts and highest truths I have ever awakened to.
Since we are love, we now set out to selectively share our lives with people who share similar values and beliefs, who agree that attracting and creating a healthy, fulfilling relationship is about more than chemistry—it’s about, soul, spirit, compatibility, and respect. So let’s together set our sights on being Heart Smart:
Five steps to being heart smart:
Develop a practice of self-inquiry: the mind is here to serve our body so we can follow our spirit.
Remember, love is a field and energy, and just because you FEEL love near or towards someone doesn’t mean they are the best choice for you.
Part of loving yourself means not compromising your safety, integrity or heart’s desires.
Understanding that sex feels good and ultimately triggers expectation and attachment, think it through before you do.
Just because you think love happens outside yourself doesn’t mean it’s true! Be a seeker of higher truth!
Maryanne will be teaching a live video webinar on how to “inner-view” potential dates or mates BEFORE you agree to a date or relationship. She'll be featuring a very eligible bachelor and showing participants the best questions to ask and how to respond, live, on the fly, in real time! Sign up here: http://bit.ly/cvsc90
April 30, 2010
What's the full-spectrum of YOUR emotion?
I’ll have one fabulous relationship; hold the full spectrum of unpleasant human emotion please!”
Used to be, it could bring me to the edge when anyone would tell me to “calm down” or “just relax.” “OH, you think THIS is upset? Well, you haven’t seen upset!” I would declare, and there I’d go as predicted, directly into orbit. These experiences collected and cemented my inherited belief that I was too much, too big, high-maintenance, and ultimately perhaps a bit crazed.
All this was about a million years ago, but I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the car at a stoplight with my boyfriend at the time, who just happened to become the human sacrificial straw that broke this camel’s back. He asked me quite simply why I had to be so dramatic. What I heard was, RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
“You mean, Why I couldn’t I just say whatever I needed to calmly and rationally, rather than flap my hands about spastically, roll my eyes and gesticulate at every opportunity to make whatever point I feel needs emphasis with the HELP OF THE REST OF MY BODY?”
I flapped and floundered my body about to emulate each point, while my nostrils flared and I think I may have strewn spittle, judging by the horrified look he had plastered across his face as he ~ careful not to make any swift motions ~ wiped it away.
I proceeded to tell him that, yes, I had access to the FULL RANGE of human emotion, and that he MUST like it, or why would hr be with me? All he could do was stare at me. It was like I blew his rubber dingy out of the water with a cannon bomb. What could he say? I remember thinking what he probably heard was: “WAH wah, wah wah WAH WAH, wah, wah, blah blahbiddy blah, people, wah wah, and furthermore..BLAH BLAH and you’re boring!”
That relationship was case of “all chemistry, no compatibility.” Something I like to think of these days in terms of analog versus digital. While it’s not fair to say that the analogs are less capable or less emotional, it’s fair to say they are definitively so different that one ought not be confused with the other.
For example, I am a more digitally emotional type person (a greater bandwidth and interest in emotions), but once upon a time I would pretend to be more analog, to control my feelings and emotions. I learned that it was more pleasing to others if I were a less high-maintenance type of creature than what I actually was ~ a deeply sensitive, highly intuitive, expressive and feeling person.
The lesson I learned from this exercise was clear: no need to ever try to suppress who I really am, make myself small, or dumb my authentic nature down, nor to make someone else wrong for being the way they are. In his case, a more reserved, emotionally conservative, easygoing type. To not be who I was AT him or crucify him for not loving my big nature, rather to see myself and him for what and who we were. While it’s true, unconsciously speaking, that opposites attract, we have free will to choose which poles of opposites ultimately bring out the best versions of ourselves. This combination did not!
From there I decided I would attract a relationship with someone who LOVED my big self, my intensely feeling, strong, direct, passionate nature. They wouldn’t be offended or intimidated, rather they would embrace me for it! I actually wrote two full pages detailing this one desire! Sure enough, when my husband showed up, the shoe fit perfectly!! It’s about being a magnet from a place of self-acceptance and love, not spite or resentment! So whether you’re analogue or digital, easygoing or dramatique, you-say-potatoes-he-says-hash-browns, like I always say: Great Relationships Begin Within!
*The magnet is the second tool in my relationship tool belt. Get a copy of Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers! at http://www.maryannelive.com
Used to be, it could bring me to the edge when anyone would tell me to “calm down” or “just relax.” “OH, you think THIS is upset? Well, you haven’t seen upset!” I would declare, and there I’d go as predicted, directly into orbit. These experiences collected and cemented my inherited belief that I was too much, too big, high-maintenance, and ultimately perhaps a bit crazed.
All this was about a million years ago, but I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was in the car at a stoplight with my boyfriend at the time, who just happened to become the human sacrificial straw that broke this camel’s back. He asked me quite simply why I had to be so dramatic. What I heard was, RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
“You mean, Why I couldn’t I just say whatever I needed to calmly and rationally, rather than flap my hands about spastically, roll my eyes and gesticulate at every opportunity to make whatever point I feel needs emphasis with the HELP OF THE REST OF MY BODY?”
I flapped and floundered my body about to emulate each point, while my nostrils flared and I think I may have strewn spittle, judging by the horrified look he had plastered across his face as he ~ careful not to make any swift motions ~ wiped it away.
I proceeded to tell him that, yes, I had access to the FULL RANGE of human emotion, and that he MUST like it, or why would hr be with me? All he could do was stare at me. It was like I blew his rubber dingy out of the water with a cannon bomb. What could he say? I remember thinking what he probably heard was: “WAH wah, wah wah WAH WAH, wah, wah, blah blahbiddy blah, people, wah wah, and furthermore..BLAH BLAH and you’re boring!”
That relationship was case of “all chemistry, no compatibility.” Something I like to think of these days in terms of analog versus digital. While it’s not fair to say that the analogs are less capable or less emotional, it’s fair to say they are definitively so different that one ought not be confused with the other.
For example, I am a more digitally emotional type person (a greater bandwidth and interest in emotions), but once upon a time I would pretend to be more analog, to control my feelings and emotions. I learned that it was more pleasing to others if I were a less high-maintenance type of creature than what I actually was ~ a deeply sensitive, highly intuitive, expressive and feeling person.
The lesson I learned from this exercise was clear: no need to ever try to suppress who I really am, make myself small, or dumb my authentic nature down, nor to make someone else wrong for being the way they are. In his case, a more reserved, emotionally conservative, easygoing type. To not be who I was AT him or crucify him for not loving my big nature, rather to see myself and him for what and who we were. While it’s true, unconsciously speaking, that opposites attract, we have free will to choose which poles of opposites ultimately bring out the best versions of ourselves. This combination did not!
From there I decided I would attract a relationship with someone who LOVED my big self, my intensely feeling, strong, direct, passionate nature. They wouldn’t be offended or intimidated, rather they would embrace me for it! I actually wrote two full pages detailing this one desire! Sure enough, when my husband showed up, the shoe fit perfectly!! It’s about being a magnet from a place of self-acceptance and love, not spite or resentment! So whether you’re analogue or digital, easygoing or dramatique, you-say-potatoes-he-says-hash-browns, like I always say: Great Relationships Begin Within!
*The magnet is the second tool in my relationship tool belt. Get a copy of Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers! at http://www.maryannelive.com
April 26, 2010
Shame on who?
BBC report :
Iranian cleric blames quakes on promiscuous women
Promiscuous women are responsible for earthquakes, a senior Iranian cleric has said. Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi told worshippers in Tehran last Friday that they had to stick to strict codes of modesty to protect themselves. "Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes," he said.
Really, did this guy really say this? No wonder we have such a victim/prostitute archetype in our culture. What next? Are we to blame for global warming, the hole in the ozone, the tsunamis? OMG, I was wearing my push-up bra the day the stock market crashed, and, geez, come to think of it, I had shorts on the day General Motors collapsed. I wonder what Bernie’s Maddoff’s wife was wearing the day he got arrested? I think Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James is pulling a Hojatoleslam; he is blaming his incredibly abhorrent behavior on women—too, too many of them—because he’s a sex addict, don’t ya know. Wow, I never really saw the light before; how responsible we women are, how powerful men believe we are. I wonder what it’s going to take to really wake up and to shift this ridiculous and dangerous thinking. A nuclear war?
If I were enlightened, I would look to find the Divine in this man. I would embrace him as the obviously soul-sick person that he was, certain he had lost his connection to God (and reality)—and then strike him bluntly between the eyes with a two-by-four (as one ancient monk was known to do) in order to spontaneously awaken his spirit, elucidating right thinking and action.
If I were an analyst, I might observe this man to be deeply disturbed; likely a childhood trauma punctuated by his social imprinting distorting his reality, thus deluding him to the point of projecting his repressed feeling of powerlessness by anthropomorphizing a fault line—as I introduce him to Halcyon while admitting him to the psychiatric ward for an extended stay.
If I were Mother Nature, I would conjure a sh@* storm so fierce, a personal maelstrom replete with tornado, torrential rains, thunder & lightning, and hurricane winds that would strike the heart of any man who dared to cast false accusations, unjust burden and shame on any of my beloved creatures and wash his soul and spirit clean of all such nonsense now and forever—and then wash his mouth out with soap.
If I were the Ghost of Christmas Future, I would take this man on a tour of the nearest sperm and genetic engineering clinic. By now they would all be owned and operated by women, many of whom are Iranian women whose female descendants are now world leaders, who coincidently felt guided to genetically alter man’s anatomy. Now they offer penises to those men who over time proved honorable and capable of reverence and respect, and who a sacred council deems worthy.
If I were a man, I would feel a deep sense of shame and be compelled to consider all the ways I could help stop this propagation, degradation, humiliation and ultimate violence towards my fellow sisters, daughters, mothers, grandmothers and all of womankind—including binding his feet, wrapping his face with a permanent chador and his other end with a metal chastity belt (giving the key to the American Iranian woman who escaped Iran because her sister had been burned alive by her husband for dressing inappropriately).
If I were an Iranian woman living in Tehran, I would be a celibate lesbian!
Iranian cleric blames quakes on promiscuous women
Promiscuous women are responsible for earthquakes, a senior Iranian cleric has said. Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi told worshippers in Tehran last Friday that they had to stick to strict codes of modesty to protect themselves. "Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes," he said.
Really, did this guy really say this? No wonder we have such a victim/prostitute archetype in our culture. What next? Are we to blame for global warming, the hole in the ozone, the tsunamis? OMG, I was wearing my push-up bra the day the stock market crashed, and, geez, come to think of it, I had shorts on the day General Motors collapsed. I wonder what Bernie’s Maddoff’s wife was wearing the day he got arrested? I think Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James is pulling a Hojatoleslam; he is blaming his incredibly abhorrent behavior on women—too, too many of them—because he’s a sex addict, don’t ya know. Wow, I never really saw the light before; how responsible we women are, how powerful men believe we are. I wonder what it’s going to take to really wake up and to shift this ridiculous and dangerous thinking. A nuclear war?
If I were enlightened, I would look to find the Divine in this man. I would embrace him as the obviously soul-sick person that he was, certain he had lost his connection to God (and reality)—and then strike him bluntly between the eyes with a two-by-four (as one ancient monk was known to do) in order to spontaneously awaken his spirit, elucidating right thinking and action.
If I were an analyst, I might observe this man to be deeply disturbed; likely a childhood trauma punctuated by his social imprinting distorting his reality, thus deluding him to the point of projecting his repressed feeling of powerlessness by anthropomorphizing a fault line—as I introduce him to Halcyon while admitting him to the psychiatric ward for an extended stay.
If I were Mother Nature, I would conjure a sh@* storm so fierce, a personal maelstrom replete with tornado, torrential rains, thunder & lightning, and hurricane winds that would strike the heart of any man who dared to cast false accusations, unjust burden and shame on any of my beloved creatures and wash his soul and spirit clean of all such nonsense now and forever—and then wash his mouth out with soap.
If I were the Ghost of Christmas Future, I would take this man on a tour of the nearest sperm and genetic engineering clinic. By now they would all be owned and operated by women, many of whom are Iranian women whose female descendants are now world leaders, who coincidently felt guided to genetically alter man’s anatomy. Now they offer penises to those men who over time proved honorable and capable of reverence and respect, and who a sacred council deems worthy.
If I were a man, I would feel a deep sense of shame and be compelled to consider all the ways I could help stop this propagation, degradation, humiliation and ultimate violence towards my fellow sisters, daughters, mothers, grandmothers and all of womankind—including binding his feet, wrapping his face with a permanent chador and his other end with a metal chastity belt (giving the key to the American Iranian woman who escaped Iran because her sister had been burned alive by her husband for dressing inappropriately).
If I were an Iranian woman living in Tehran, I would be a celibate lesbian!
