Exponent II's Blog, page 81

Why I love the book of Titus

The Exponent provides excellent Come Follow Me lesson plans. I volunteered to write a lesson plan that will cover 1 and 2 Timothy and Titus. Every time I sit down to write the lesson plan I keep writing about why Titus means so much to me. I’ve been trying to weave my experience with Titus into the lesson plan, but after a while I realized I was actually writing a whole separate post.

I’ve decided to make this something of a two-parter. Today I’m going to talk about what led me to love the book of Titus. In a week and a half you can read my lesson plan about 1 and 2 Timothy and Titus. It will be published on the afternoon of Monday, October 16th.

Looking for Something

This story is for anyone who feels like their spiritual life could need a boost.

At the beginning of 2021 I was searching for something MORE for my spiritual life. My ward was coming back to church after COVID had shut things down, but things weren’t fully up and running again. Adult Sunday School wasn’t being held in my ward yet. Even if we had been meeting, the curriculum wasn’t great. That year Come Follow Me focused on the Doctrine and Covenants and Church History. The lessons were all “rah rah rah, this church is great!” I wasn’t enjoying that message when I felt like the church was failing me spiritually.

That year Easter coincided with General Conference weekend which – in my opinion – is always the worst combination. I feel like Easter should be celebrated in a church. Plus we were visiting my in-laws for the first time in months and so no one was really paying attention to conference anyway. We hadn’t turned on conference at all on Saturday and I wasn’t sure how much we’d listen to it on Sunday.

But I really needed some sort of spiritual recharge.

I turned to my favorite way to jumpstart my spiritual life – I went to Catholic Mass.

I like “High Church” traditions. I’d been to a Catholic Mass as part of a field trip for a college humanities class. I’d been struck by all pomp. I liked the processions, the singing, the feelings of tradition. Years later I started following a Catholic writer named Jen Fulwiler. I always loved her spiritual insights. In 2019 I decided to attend Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. That ended up being the spiritual highlight of my life for the next year. When everyone else was lamenting the closing of the temples I was lamenting that I couldn’t attend Easter Mass in 2020.

I made sure I made it to Easter Mass in 2021. There is a little chapel in a town near my in-laws rural home so I looked up the Mass Time and drove over there a little before 9:00. I hadn’t packed a dress, but I had a nice shirt and pants. I’ve seen people in jeans at Mass before so I knew I wouldn’t stand out because of my clothes. I planned to just hang out in the back and try to blend in.

Blending in didn’t really work though. It was pretty obvious I wasn’t Catholic when I didn’t genuflect when entering the chapel. And when the priest greeted me with “Happy Easter” I replied with “Thanks!” Instead of something along the lines of “Happy Easter to you Father.” But nobody cared or made me feel like I wasn’t welcome. And I wasn’t there to pretend to be Catholic, I was there for a spiritual experience.

I definitely got the spiritual experience. I often feel the spirit stronger when I visit other churches than I do at my own. This is probably for two reasons. 1. I don’t have my kids with me. and 2. I don’t know enough about the other church to notice anything that happens to go wrong. I can just show up and plug into the Spirit.

I don’t know what it is exactly about Mass that I love, but I think a lot of it has to do with how much the audience gets to participate. I love standing up to sing. I love the scripted responses. (And thanks to COVID I had to wear a mask and no one could tell when I was mumbling along or leaving out certain phrases.) I appreciate the way holy Communion is presented. It’s special to hear the priest explain the Last Supper as he’s preparing for Communion.

At one point the priest said a prayer for many things and then audience repeated certain phrases. Then he added a space where we could silently pray for what we needed. I remember praying for “Something, I don’t know what. Just Something.” My spiritual life was so depleted I didn’t even know what I needed.

Because of COVID the priests came into the congregation to distribute Communion rather than having the congregation come to them. They gave Communion “On the Hand” meaning they gave the wafer to each person rather than putting it directly into their mouths. I’m not a baptized Catholic so it would be inappropriate for me to take Communion, but I knew I could request a blessing from the priest if I crossed my arms and bowed my head when the priest came to my row. I found myself really wanting that blessing. When the priest reached my row I crossed my arms and bowed my head. He held out his hand and whispered something in my general direction.

I don’t know if it was that blessing, or if it was hearing the priest say, “Receive the Body of Christ” to each person who took Communion around me, or if it was just the atmosphere created by the music that was playing during this time, but I broke down crying. I cried for a long time while kneeling on the floor. It was one of those really good spiritually cathartic crying sessions. I definitely got my spiritual recharge.

Finding Something

Mass had been a good recharge, but not much changed in my life. We were gradually allowed back at church for more weeks and for longer times, but we were still studying Doctrine and Covenants and Church History. I just couldn’t enjoy studying a very sanitized version of church history that also somehow featured a really angry, grumpy version of God.

I wanted to find a Bible Study. Years earlier, when my husband was in the Army and we were living in the South I’d attended Bible Studies with non-denominational groups. I’d attended MOPS (Mother’s of Pre-Schoolers) in Texas and PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) in Alabama. I’d loved the chance to study scripture and learn about Jesus with other women. I found myself missing those groups and started to look for something similar in my current city.

Nothing was really working out though. The nearest MOPS group was 40 minutes away. Every Bible Study I found online was held in the evening and didn’t quite fit my schedule at the time.

In July I went to a block party at a house around the corner from my house. I thought it was just a neighborhood thing. But it was really an outreach event for a new non-denominational church. Even after I figured out that it was kind of a church thing I still thought it was a good party. I was able to meet many of my neighbors, including my neighbor who was the assistant pastor of this new church. There were a lot of people at the block party, but the first person I happened to talk to was the Women’s Ministry Leader. When I found that out I asked her what the Women’s Ministry did for Bible Study.

She told me they did have a Women’s Bible Study. They met at a church close to my house, and they met on Friday mornings at 6:15. She said they were currently studying the book of Titus. She invited me to come the next morning at 6:15. I told her I probably would.

I may have wandered into that block party not expecting much, but I can recognize when things line up well. I’d been looking for a Bible Study and I’d just been led to one that fit my schedule and was hosted by people that were hospitable. I was willing to give this a try.

I went to that Bible Study. For 90 minutes we dived into Titus Chapter 2 verses 1-5.

Yes, we spent an hour and a half discussing 5 verses. First we took turns reading them from different translations. We looked at them from the author’s perspective (what was Paul trying to tell Titus), from God’s perspective, (What was God trying to tell people) and finally applied them to our lives (What do these verses mean to us.)

I was completely mystified. My LDS brain that was used to discussing whole books of scripture every week could not comprehend how we spent so much time on 5 verses. But I loved it. And I was hooked.

I came back every other Friday for more of this slow crawl through Titus. This was the spiritual food I’d been looking for.

One of the things I really enjoyed was the chance to study the gospel without all the extra baggage that came with the LDS church. I didn’t have to think about family history, food storage, temple work, etc. It could just be really simple and yet really profound truths that had lasted 2000 years. Primarily, that Jesus died for our sins and was resurrected and that we could have new life though him.

At some point the Women’s Ministry Leader gave me a copy of her favorite book for how to read the Bible. It was called Women of the Word by Jen Wilkin. That book was the basis for how she was leading the Bible Study. I read the book and it blew my mind. Jen Wilkin had so many good suggestions for how to read the Bible and understand it. I bought the book for myself and referenced it often.

I also brought myself a copy of the ESV Translation of the Bible. We read from many translations of the Bible as we studied Titus and I was realizing how clunky the KJV version could be. This church preferred the ESV translation so that’s the one I bought. I bought a Study Bible that had introductions for each book of scripture. These gave good insight into the time and place and themes of the book. There were also fabulous footnotes that explained complicated phrases. Those footnotes came in handy many times as I worked through the Old Testament Curriculum for Come Follow Me in 2022.

The women in the Bible Study group became my good friends. The Women’s Ministry Leader had children who attended the same school mine did. We served together in Parent Teacher Organization for a year. The wife of the Assistant Pastor lived around the corner from me and we often talked about our gardens. She had chickens and my children took care of them when she was out of town. Other women were always ready to chat when I ran into them at the pool or other places around town. I started attending Ladies Retreats with the Women’s Ministry and relished the chances to get to know these women on overnight trips.

In some ways, it would have been easy to cut ties with the LDS church and go all in with this new church. However, there were some doctrinal things that prevented me from joining this church and there were other doctrines that kept me tethered to the LDS church. I set up a kind of duel residency status for myself. I attended the LDS church on Sundays and then spent week days with the Ladies Ministry of this church.

I kept attending the Bible Study group. In 2022 we did a whole year of Systematic Theology. One of the first subjects we tackled was Bibliology. I’d grown up with the 8th Article of Faith baked into my personal theology. That line, “We believe the Bible to be the word of God, as far as it is translated correctly” had somehow always diminished the Bible in my mind. Studying Bibliology was a really good exercise for me. The book we were reading argued for Biblical Inerrancy. I never could believe in an inerrant Bible, but studying the ideas behind it really increased my love and appreciation for the Bible.

As my love and appreciation for the Bible increased, I began to realize that the Bible was the Something I’d prayed for at Easter Mass in 2021. I’d known Bible Stories all my life and had studied it in Sunday School, Seminary, and even my Protestant Women of the Chapel group back in Alabama. However, it was when I started reading Titus that I realized what a treasure the Bible really is. That’s why I love Titus. Because slowly reading that that little book showed me how beautiful the whole Bible can be.

Loving Something

On Easter in 2022 I found myself at my in-laws house again. I continued to enjoy my tradition of attending Mass to celebrate Christmas and Easter. So on Easter Morning at 9:00 AM I went to that little chapel again.

It was interesting to be back in the same place physically, but not spiritually. I didn’t feel spiritually malnourished anymore. I felt like I had friends who could help me find spiritual food and that I had tools to feed myself.

When the procession came into the chapel I noticed that the priest was holding an ornate Bible high over his head. I started crying right then. I’d prayed for Something in that very chapel a year earlier. Here was that Something. God’s Word in scripture. Handed down for generations. To teach us about Jesus and what His life, death, and resurrection meant for us.

I hope that this story helped you if you are also looking for Something. Your Something may not be the Bible exactly. But maybe it is.

I’m really looking forward to sharing some of the beautiful truths that are inside Titus. It’s where I was able to let go of so much LDS baggage and take a look at a simpler version of Christianity. Please come back Monday, October 16th at 4:00 PM Mountain Time to learn about Jesus through the book of Titus.

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Published on October 05, 2023 06:00

Guest Post: Some Unintended Ramifications of the Well-Intended Message to “Think Celestial”

by N. Skye

Let’s talk about this new phrase “think celestial.” (On a random side note, it beats me why it’s not stated, “think celestially.”)

I believe that President Nelson gave this message from a place of good intention, trying to help those of us less seasoned in the journey of life to be more successful and more joyful in our journey. That said, because General Conference talks are not required to be trauma-informed or to be based on sound mental health principles, they always run the risk of coming with some potentially serious mental health ramifications. (Personally, I think there should be a panel of experienced therapists that reviews every conference talk during the preparation stage to give feedback so that the way gospel principles are taught is cohesive with sound mental health principles. *More on this in the added notes at the end.)

For the purpose of this post, I specifically would like to focus on the following section of his talk*:

“When you are confronted with a dilemma, think celestial! When tested by temptation, think celestial! When life or loved ones let you down, think celestial! When someone dies prematurely, think celestial! When someone lingers with a devastating illness, think celestial. When the pressures of life crowd in upon you, think celestial! As you recover from an accident or injury, as I am doing now, think celestial!”

Before addressing the concerns, I want to point out what I see as the helpful takeaway from this message. To me, he is teaching the skill of zooming out and taking a broader perspective, looking at the big picture. This is a skill that has helped me many, many times in life, and it’s a skill I do think we would all do well to develop. Sometimes we get so lost in the weeds and the nitty gritty of our life, that it is easy to feel overwhelmed and forget to see a bigger picture to bring clarity, insight, or a calm grounding to our soul as we navigate our situation. Developing this skill is a worthy endeavor.

Many of us are learning how to say “yes, and” instead of “either/or”. This means that we can acknowledge the multiple things that are simultaneously true about a given situation. While it may be true that it’s a worthy endeavor to learn how to step back and look at the bigger picture, it is ALSO just as important to let ourselves feel the hard feelings that are part of life. To understand this “yes, and” principle, let’s consider the situation of someone who is miserably ill and in poor condition and then passes away. For the surviving loved ones, it can be both true that they are sad to have lost a loved one and deeply miss them in their absence AND they may also be grateful for their loved one to not be in misery any longer. Both are true. One truth does not negate the other, and both are important.

Black-and-white thinking says “either/or” instead of “yes, and.” Either you have faith in God’s plan, or you have deep, immense grief and pain. Either you are happy or sad. Optimistic or hopeless. Faithful or faithless.

Sorrow and grief are inevitable – and key – parts of this mortal journey, and understanding the *stages of grief (which, by the way can show up in other trials besides losing loved ones) can give life-changing understanding as we come to accept and embrace the immense, and even intense, emotion that is part of life. Then, instead of judging ourselves for what we feel, we learn how necessary it is that we “feel it to heal it.” We learn that allowing ourselves to feel emotions and acknowledge them, counterintuitively, actually helps us to move through them. Or maybe more accurately, allows them to move through us, allowing us to move forward in life instead of being trapped in a cycle of avoidance (and shame).

I’m concerned that the call to “think celestial” may come with the unintended consequence of something called spiritual bypassing, where people are not processing their emotions in healthy ways, but instead avoid them in an attempt to “think celestial”. I’m also concerned about the possibility of this phrase being used against those going through deep struggles (whether they be pains of personal trials, or even pain in regards to issues in the church), leading members to be dismissive of one another’s pains, exhorting each other to just “think celestial” to get through hardship (in turn, leading to an avoidance of difficult feelings).

While seeing the big picture is a helpful life skill, it cannot come at the expense of truly feeling and processing our emotions (and sitting with those who are doing so, AKA “mourning with those that mourn”). As it is, our church community already struggles a great deal with allowing ourselves and others to truly feel grief. We often try to turn a magic switch to relieve ourselves and others of the discomfort that comes with feeling grief. I propose that we make a concerted effort to not let “think celestial” become that magic switch we try to use, causing us to dismiss, spiritually bypass (and even judge) the pain that we and others feel.

Not being able to allow ourselves to feel because we are trying to turn off our emotions and just “think celestial” can lead us to downplay the immensity of what we are going through, and judge ourselves for our feelings because we think that feeling grief means we just aren’t “thinking celestial” enough. It can lead us to do the same to our family, friends, and fellow church members.

I believe it is possible for us to develop an eternal perspective, as President Nelson advocates, while ALSO learning to be present with our emotions and the emotions of others here and now. As in all things, Christ is our example. When people mourned, he wept with them. He taught about both the big picture and being present with what is. He showed us how to be present and mourn with people hurting NOW. As we consider the message of the phrase “think celestial”, let’s take the “yes, and” approach and we’ll be healthier for it.

EXTRA NOTES:

* I believe that if general conference talks were reviewed and vetted by a panel of diverse, experienced therapists (based on a criteria of sound mental health principles), that this practice would yield so much good fruit. It would be well worth whatever investment (time, energy, money) was required. IT WOULD SAVE LIVES. I mean it. How many lives have been lost to suicide, influenced greatly by rhetoric in conference talks (talks that are then studied in quorums and classes all year) that unintentionally fed cycles of shame, self-hatred, perfectionism, depression, hopelessness, and feelings of inadequacy. Not to mention the scrupulosity that SO many members are afflicted with, which for some becomes so severe it affects mental/physical health (and again, for some ultimately costs them their lives). Though leaders and teachers cannot fully control the effects/outcomes of their teachings, they can make concerted effort to teach gospel principles in a way that is based on sound mental health principles, recognizing that many in their fold deal with mental illness and/or are very susceptible to it. Conference talks should increase wellbeing, not diminish it. While I know diminished wellbeing is never an intention of the speakers, not being adequately trauma-informed – by the way, this doesn’t just mean hearing about traumas that happen, but becoming educated on the EFFECTS of trauma in mind and body – and not being sufficiently educated on mental health when giving speeches to a global audience can have huge ramifications, especially in this day and age. Ultimately, mind, body, and spirit are connected, so as we seek to nourish the spirit through gospel teachings, we must be mindful so that the approach used does not, unintentionally, compromise overall wellbeing. Becoming trauma-informed will yield immeasurable good fruit as we seek to teach the gospel in our day.

*The talk referenced in this essay is called “Think Celestial” by President Nelson given in the Sunday Afternoon session of General Conference, October 1, 2023

*Stages of Grief (not necessarily in this order): denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. There are many helpful resources out there you can study to learn more about this.

N. Skye is a God-seeking woman who wishes for trauma-informed teachings and practices in all areas of the church. A passionate learner, she’s always seeking to grow her understanding. Her husband and family are her world, and she finds beauty in simple things like the sound of birds, the beauty of flowers, or sharing a hug with a loved one.

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Published on October 03, 2023 15:50

Cub Scouts in 2023: A Snapshot

My three kids are all members of our local Cub Scout troop. There is no end to the irony of this fact. When the church and scouts officially parted ways in Spring 2018, I was dancing in the streets (not literally) for joy that I would not need to confront the dilemma of scouting simply because I happen to be a mother to boys in the LDS church. Scouting was the past and I was more than happy to move into my Scout free future.

Alas, when my boys were in second grade, they asked to join their friends from school in Cub Scouts and so started as Wolves. What could I do? The interest came from them. While I still had (and have) mixed feelings about the program, having grown up with my face pressed against the barrier of “no girls allowed,” it didn’t seem enough of a reason to say no. A few years later, my daughter is an enthusiastic Tiger and my two older boys are Webelos

In our small New England town, the cub scout troop is housed in the local Catholic church. They cosign the bank account, give us space to store things in the basement, and let us use their space for meetings as needed, but otherwise maintain a hands-off approach to the pack. The pack is run by us parents, with everyone taking a role when they can and how they can. Thus far, pack parents have committed to eliminating indigenous appropriation, taking two deep leadership seriously, and welcoming girls (and my gender nonconforming child) into the pack. With all this, I find that I actually have very few concerns. We do fun activities, we enjoy the community of kids and parents, and nothing seems to be too rigid or dogmatic.

In every way the Cub Scouts we’re experiencing today is a far cry from the scouting program I experienced as an outsider during my youth and during one ill-fated stint in a Cub Scout calling, where I mostly contemplated what it means to contribute to one’s own oppression and also how to create obstacle courses with zero dollars.

Earlier this year, our very first female Arrow of Light graduated up to Scouts. She was the first female member to join the pack, which made for a moving ceremony. As her father tearfully guided her through the stages of her Cub Scout experience, he referenced her “honorary Cub Scout” years before girls were officially allowed membership. This young girl was a strong leader in our pack, but her first years in the troop were spent in the shadows, invisibly completing each badge while her older brother went through the program.

I found my emotions were on the surface as I celebrated our young pioneer scout who may not quite realize yet what a triumph it is that she crossed the bridge into Scouts, welcomed by the young women of the Scouts troop. She’ll face other barriers in her life, but this particular bridge isn’t one of them anymore.

The younger girls of the troop have all aged into the program organically. I imagine someday it might be comical to them to imagine a time when girls couldn’t be members of the Cub Scouts, despite being only a few years behind our pioneer scout. My daughter will experience a scouting program fully separate from her church experience. My own discomforts, born of a time when Scouts was synonymous with the church whose programs were strictly and stereotypically divided (and it was pretty obvious who was getting the better end of the deal) might even be inconceivable to her.

When the church parted ways with Scouts in 2018, girls were also welcomed into packs that same year. It’s difficult to resolve that these two shifts happened around the same time. After all, in most ways, the church is still strictly and stereotypically divided across gender. As I observe how Scouting has evolved, it’s discouraging to think that my church is choosing not to change. As encouraging as it is to watch my sons look up to strong young female leaders in Scouts and see the girls do everything the boys can do, it’s equally discouraging that this is still not the experience they’ll have at church hosted activities. If even the Scouts can do it, it’s more than past time for the church to catch up.

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Published on October 03, 2023 03:00

The Prodigal

I really loved Elder Uchtdorf’s general conference talk about the prodigal son. So often at church, when we hear this parable, we put ourselves in the place of the righteous son, and we judge the prodigal son as the “other”. We’re righteous, but God will forgive those wretched sinners because God is good. But we’re still a bit better because we’re not sinners.

This misses the point of the parable. We’re all sinners. We are the prodigal. We have wasted our substance. And God, in God’s infinite mercy, watches and waits for us. When we are yet a long way off, God runs toward us with open arms and has a celebration at our return home. We were dead and yet we are alive. We were lost and yet we are found.

I have a dear friend who has fallen victim to the opioid crisis. He has quite literally wasted his substance in riotous living. He’s a shell of his former self, and I’ve often lamented over the past few years that it feels like my friend died and a zombie is animating his body. So when Elder Uchtdorf cited the part in the parable where the father says “For this my son was dead, and is alive again.” I teared up. I had always loved that line, but I had never felt it so viscerally as I do now. I hope I get to throw a party for my friend when he becomes alive again.

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Published on October 02, 2023 04:00

Challenge Patriarchy all Along the Way

When my kids first discovered that I belt out a song each year at the Exponent Retreat, they fell down laughing. No one has ever said to me, “Heather, you have a lovely singing voice!” But when I explained that I take a hymn and rewrite the lyrics in a mocking manner, they nodded in understanding. As for me and my house, we respect Weird Al.

Occasionally I leave the green hymnal and seek inspiration in pop music. Like “Don’t Call Me Mormon” or the year I latched on to the nursing scandal (get it, “latched on”) where the poor mom in Logan dared to feed her baby in the foyer as opposed to the mother’s lounge. I paired my new lyrics with One Direction’s “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful” and “You Can’t Let Your Boobies Show” was born (co-writing credits go to the ever sassy Liz). Here are some links to past songs sung by the Red Hot Mamas: Persisters in Zion, Come Ye Husbands of the Ward, The Modesty Song .

This year I knew my song had to be Barbie themed and all about girl power. So I took “Scatter Sunshine,” one of the most toxically positive songs ever, and turned it into an anti-patriarchy anthem. Go ahead. Sing along. No talent (or pink jumpsuit) required!!

1. In a world where dude bros
Take up all the space,
In mojo dojo casas
Women get erased,
We must not be idle
Let your power flow,
Let’s challenge patriarchy
Ev’rywhere we go.
[Chorus]
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.

2. Culture sends the message
Pretty is a prize
That our only value
Corresponds with size
Don’t drink the Kool-aid
Let your sparkles shine
When you seek the Mother
You’re Closer to fine
[Chorus]
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.

3. When you feel discouraged
Mansplaining has you down
Unchecked male fragility
Makes even Barbies frown
And If thoughts of death come
Do not get in the box
Embrace your hero journey
Choose the Birkenstocks
[Chorus]
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.

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Published on October 01, 2023 00:43

Challenge Patriarchy

When my kids first discovered that I belt out a song each year at the Exponent Retreat, they fell down laughing. No one has ever said to me, “Heather, you have a lovely singing voice!” But when I explained that I take a hymn and rewrite the lyrics in a mocking manner, they nodded in understanding. As for me and my house, we respect Weird Al.

Occasionally I leave the green hymnal and seek inspiration in pop music. Like “Don’t Call Me Mormon” or the year I latched on to the nursing scandal (get it, “latched on”) where the poor mom in Logan dared to feed her baby in the foyer as opposed to the mother’s lounge. I paired my new lyrics with One Direction’s “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful” and “You Can’t Let Your Boobies Show” was born (co-writing credits go to the ever sassy Liz). Here are some links to past songs sung by the Red Hot Mamas: Persisters in Zion, Come Ye Husbands of the Ward, The Modesty Song .

This year I knew my song had to be Barbie themed and all about girl power. So I took “Scatter Sunshine,” one of the most toxically positive songs ever, and turned it into an anti-patriarchy anthem. Go ahead. Sing along. No talent (or pink jumpsuit) required!!

1. In a world where dude bros
Take up all the space,
In mojo dojo casas
Women get erased,
We must not be idle
Let your power flow,
Let’s challenge patriarchy
Ev’rywhere we go.
[Chorus]
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.

2. Culture sends the message
Pretty is a prize
That our only value
Corresponds with size
Don’t drink the Kool-aid
Let your sparkles shine
When you seek the Mother
You’re Closer to fine
[Chorus]
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.

3. When you feel discouraged
Mansplaining has you down
Unchecked male fragility
Makes even Barbies frown
And If thoughts of death come
Do not get in the box
Embrace your hero journey
Choose the Birkenstocks
[Chorus]
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.
Challenge patriarchy, all along our way.
Smash and kick and question
Ev’ry passing day.

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Published on October 01, 2023 00:43

Don’t Seek Answers From Those Not Asking Your Questions

A few years ago, I was asked to meet with a friend. She had recently felt a great desire to know about Heavenly Mother, and was feeling frustrated with the lack of information about Her from official Church resources.

She had dealt with learning about complex and messy church history for a few years. And she had found ways to be nuanced and affirming for LGBTQ loved ones. But when she suddenly wanted to understand more about Heavenly Mother, she thought her best and only option was to seek answers from her bishop, especially since she didn’t know how to find Her in scriptures and manuals.

She told me she had met several times with her bishop, asking him to give her more information. His limited response to just be okay with not knowing much about Her, and the traditional rhetoric of needing to protect Her and not talk about Her was frustrating. He couldn’t find a way to satisfy my friend’s need for more information, so he referred her to the Stake President. The same thing happened. Limited answers, repeated rhetoric, instruction to not seek more information, and if more information was really needed, it would come from the top leaders of the church, and she needed to be patient and wait for the Lord to speak to them about it.

She decided that they were intentionally withholding information, and expressed frustration that they would not share it. She kept insisting they tell her more. The Stake President became frustrated, and threatened discipline if she did not stop accusing them of keeping information about Heavenly Mother from her. Unfortunately, I could relate to this treatment all too well.

This is a woman who had served consistently and faithfully in ward and stake positions all her adult life. She had always felt she could turn to her leaders when she needed help, or answers. As she shared this experience with me, it was clear this was very painful for her. This is what had brought her into a faith crisis.

“Why?” she asked me. “Why won’t they answer my questions? Why are they so unwilling to tell me about Heavenly Mother?”

I emphasized to her that I could understand her frustration, and I did not want her to feel I was in any way minimizing her pain with my own questions for her. I said I hoped she could see ways to take charge of her own journey in seeking understanding.

Then I asked her… “Have you considered that they don’t know anything about Heavenly Mother? And that they don’t have any answers to give you? And that they have not thought to seek any of the answers or information you are seeking? And that church leaders do not receive training in how to listen to someone’s questions, and be able to say that they don’t know, that they don’t have an answer, and that it is good for you to ask and keep seeking from other sources?”

She asked, “Then where am I supposed to learn about Her?”

I asked, “Have you considered going directly to the source? Have you asked Her directly?”

It took a moment for her to realize what I was suggesting. The thought of seeking her own answers, her own connection, her own awareness of Heavenly Mother, of Divine Feminine, by asking Her directly had never occurred to her. She didn’t know how that might look, or if it was even possible. We talked a bit about what she longed to know, and what she would have done if this were an academic question at school, or a question about her job. She said she would seek answers from books, or experts on the subject, or she would do her own research. I asked her if she had ever prayed for answers for herself, and could she consider that she could speak in a very personal way in her prayers, seeking connection with a God who sees her and knows and loves her beyond the limits imposed by any tiny human imaginations. Who did she imagine when she was seeking answers that way? Could she imagine that she had always been heard, seen, known and loved by Heavenly Mother – a powerful Goddess who was not limited by the small space accorded Her by those who did not seek Her. I asked my friend, if her own children came to her, desperately wanting to know her or have a deeper connection to her, wouldn’t she want to respond? Wouldn’t she want them to know her, and know their mother loved them and was there for them? Could she consider that Heavenly Mother would want you to know Her, would want you to feel Her love and presence?

Then I asked if she had ever really been able to receive an answer to a question she was not asking? When she or her husband had been called to leadership positions, did either of them suddenly become knowledgeable about all the questions and concerns of everyone in their calling stewardship? Could she see that this is the case with anyone else, especially those in leadership positions at all levels? If they are not asking the questions, they will not receive the answers. There is often a stigma placed on even asking.

I imagine it is possible that many have had a conversation like this one, either from my own position, or that of my friend. I have had a number of similar conversations with people who have spoken to me about their own faith journey. They find themselves yearning for more information, often in a deeper or more complex sense than what they have heard in lessons or meetings. They assume leaders in their ward or stake, or temple, or in Salt Lake have the answers they seek, and they ask questions of those leaders. When clear answers are not forthcoming, there is frustration, possibly a sense that a leader is intentionally withholding information, and with that there might be a feeling of betrayal or anger. People seem surprised each time I ask them to consider that the leader might not have the answer for them because that leader has not asked the question, or sought that information. It usually hasn’t occurred to them.

I have noticed that when people share experiences of being called to leadership positions at all levels, they never say they were asked about their knowledge of church history, complexity of sacred text, stages of emotional development, understanding of faith journeys, mental or emotional healthcare, women’s healthcare, budgeting of finances or time, gender issues, sexual development, or even if they think the opinions of current church leaders are more important than the teachings of Christ.

I have served with ward and stake leaders who had little expertise with any of the things just mentioned, but they had humility and a willingness to try to minister, and encourage others to put ministry first. Some continued to focus on leading by Christlike example during their entire tenure, often having a healing impact on many. I have seen others of those leaders gradually become fearful that they could not answer the questions members had for them, and they were afraid to admit they did not have the answer. Some had such awe and admiration for anyone in leadership over them, they shifted their focus away from the needs of their own ward and stake members, and focused only on listening to those in higher positions, and trying to impress them. When a leader is fearful of hearing questions he cannot answer, and afraid to say he does not have the answer, or afraid to encourage a member to seek for answers from other sources, or afraid to think he is not controlling what is happening in the ward or stake or area, there is a risk that leader will try to eliminate the inquiry or the inquirer, even if it does great damage to do so.

And yes, I speak from personal experience.

It is a horrible thing to see someone in leadership – at church, or school, or legislature, or community of any kind, say or do what they know is false or harmful rather than admit they did not know what to do.

It is especially difficult when this very human behavior happens in a church that began with a young person who was fervently seeking answers. Church and community leaders discouraged his questions, which they could not answer or which they were not asking. The experience which we, as a church, claim as a sacred, foundational event is one where Joseph Smith sought answers directly from God.

I have never had a sense of condemnation, or fear, or rejection, when I have taken my seeking to God, in all ways I experience Them. I am deeply grateful for the ways I have learned to recognize the questions They can answer, and how They answer. It has completely shifted my prayers, my conversation with Them. I sense there is no question They have not asked, at some point in forever. I have learned how to let go of those questions that could only be answered by a micro-managing god. I try to practice asking questions that presence the God that transforms me.

I love seeking greater understanding. I think it is good to meet with others to discuss questions and insights and doubts and concerns. I would like to see that happen in more meetings of all kinds, especially schools and churches. I think one of the best ways any of us can minister or make a difference in our communities is to encourage inquiry and seeking. It may mean we learn to make comments in class that invite awareness of different experiences or views, without condemning someone or shutting down a conversation (because many of us know how harmful that is). One way I sustain leaders is by respecting what their calling is for, support them when they are trying to act in that calling, and being aware that most of the time they will be speaking and acting as the human they are in their regular life, with all the concerns, lack of understanding, and biases that are a part of any of us, which are not in line with their calling. I try not to assume anyone is asking the questions or seeking the answers that are mine to seek. From my experience, most bishops are more concerned with keeping the primary staffed than they are with questions someone might have about the nature of God. I encourage people not to add to their burden by asking them questions they have not and might not be able or want to consider.

I especially encourage people to remember this whenever they gather to hear leaders speak. Leaders speak from their own experience, their own inquiry, their own perspective. I have heard many leaders acknowledge this about themselves. They cannot provide answers to questions they have not yet asked. I hope those who listen will allow words which speak of a loving, expansive God to inspire and nourish them. I hope they will set aside messages that do not acknowledge their questions, experience or existence, recognizing that it is not God, but the speaker who has not yet sought to see, hear, or love them.

I am so grateful I was raised in wards and branches that I felt embraced the 13th Article of Faith. I could believe all things, or anything that was worth believing, wherever I found it. I, myself, could seek after anything worth seeking, anywhere I felt led to seek. I did not have to wait until someone else gave me the answer. I did not need to only ask a few approved questions of a few approved people. That article of faith is an essential part of my faith journey.

Now, in this time of access to many reliable, fact checking news sources, I am also relishing the easy access to many online groups, podcasts, conferences, or gatherings for discussion and inquiry with others who are asking and interested in questions similar to mine. It makes it easier for me to focus my questions or comments in classes at church on Christ’s life and words, or my experiences with them. I don’t feel a need to ask more nuanced or complex questions there. I look for people or gatherings where deeper seeking is shared, and the frightening possibility of shifting paradigm is understood with grace and mercy. Because paradigm shifts are frightening, at times devastating. Even if they lead to greater light and knowledge, and the possibility of being grateful to see that it is better to pass through sorrow, that you may see what you could not see before.

I don’t think it is helpful to insist that someone who is not ready or able, should take on your questions which might be inviting you toward a life altering journey toward wisdom. I hope we as individuals will resist the habit or culture that suggests we should expect our leaders to have all the answers.

Give yourself permission to create your journey of seeking answers and asking questions wherever you will be heard with patience, grace and love.

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Published on September 29, 2023 08:53

Don’t Seek Answers From Those Not Asking Your Questions

A few years ago, I was asked to meet with a friend. She had recently felt a great desire to know about Heavenly Mother, and was feeling frustrated with the lack of information about Her from official Church resources.

She had dealt with learning about complex and messy church history for a few years. And she had found ways to be nuanced and affirming for LGBTQ loved ones. But when she suddenly wanted to understand more about Heavenly Mother, she thought her best and only option was to seek answers from her bishop, especially since she didn’t know how to find Her in scriptures and manuals.

She told me she had met several times with her bishop, asking him to give her more information. His limited response to just be okay with not knowing much about Her, and the traditional rhetoric of needing to protect Her and not talk about Her was frustrating. He couldn’t find a way to satisfy my friend’s need for more information, so he referred her to the Stake President. The same thing happened. Limited answers, repeated rhetoric, instruction to not seek more information, and if more information was really needed, it would come from the top leaders of the church, and she needed to be patient and wait for the Lord to speak to them about it.

She decided that they were intentionally withholding information, and expressed frustration that they would not share it. She kept insisting they tell her more. The Stake President became frustrated, and threatened discipline if she did not stop accusing them of keeping information about Heavenly Mother from her. Unfortunately, I could relate to this treatment all too well.

This is a woman who had served consistently and faithfully in ward and stake positions all her adult life. She had always felt she could and should turn to her leaders when she needed help, or answers. As she shared this experience with me, it was clear this was very painful for her. This is what had brought her into a faith crisis.

“Why?” she asked me. “Why won’t they answer my questions? Why are they so unwilling to tell me about Heavenly Mother?”

I emphasized to her that I could understand her frustration, and I did not want her to feel I was in any way minimizing her pain with my own questions for her. I said I hoped she could see ways to take charge of her own journey in seeking understanding.

Then I asked her… “Have you considered that they don’t know anything about Heavenly Mother? And that they don’t have any answers to give you? And that they have not thought to seek any of the answers or information you are seeking? And that church leaders do not receive training in how to listen to someone’s questions, and be able to say that they don’t know, that they don’t have an answer, and that it is good for you to ask and keep seeking from other sources?”

She asked, “Then where am I supposed to learn about Her?”

I asked, “Have you considered going directly to the source? Have you asked Her directly?”

It took a moment for her to realize what I was suggesting. The thought of seeking her own answers, her own connection, her own awareness of Heavenly Mother, of Divine Feminine, by asking Her directly had never occurred to her. She didn’t know how that might look, or if it was even possible. We talked a bit about what she longed to know, and what she would have done if this were an academic question at school, or a question about her job. She said she would seek answers from books, or experts on the subject, or she would do her own research. I asked her if she had ever prayed for answers for herself, and could she consider that she could speak in a very personal way in her prayers, seeking connection with a God who sees her and knows and loves her beyond the limits imposed by any tiny human imaginations. Who did she imagine when she was seeking answers that way? Could she imagine that she had always been heard, seen, known and loved by Heavenly Mother – a powerful Goddess who was not limited by the small space accorded Her by those who did not seek Her. I asked my friend, if her own children came to her, desperately wanting to know her or have a deeper connection to her, wouldn’t she want to respond? Wouldn’t she want them to know her, and know their mother loved them and was there for them? Could she consider that Heavenly Mother would want you to know Her, would want you to feel Her love and presence? I also told her of many other sources, including Gospel Topics essays and footnotes, that had information about Heavenly Mother, and that could guide her in her seeking.