Exponent II's Blog, page 82

Vol. 43 No. 1 — Summer 2023

COVER ART — “Lot’s Wife” by Hayley Labrum Morrison
Salt from Great Salt Lake, spray paint, and oil on cradled panel, 18 x 24 in.

Lot’s Wife is remembered for her disobedience and salty demise. This cautionary tale favors blind obedience, but she deserves nuance. What if her parents and siblings were still in that destroyed city or she simply hoped to gaze upon the place she raised her children for one last time? I left the Salt Lake Valley at age 25. As I look back on the land that raised me, there is a similar complexity of thought. My family and memories of my formative years keep the salty air fresh in my mind, but time away has brought me perspective and growth. We must be allowed to look back, to mourn what we have lost, to ache for what might have been, and to not be reduced to a two-dimensional example of sin after experiencing moments of humanity. Jesus describes those who believe in Him as the “salt of the earth.” Perhaps Lot’s Wife’s belief knew no bounds. Perhaps she was far wiser than we know.
@hayleylabrummorrison | hayley.co

LETTER FROM EDITOR “The Art of Losing” by Rachel Rueckert

ESSAY “Lost Things” by Lisa Van Orman Hadley

ESSAY “Moving On” by Cherie Taylor Pedersen

POETRY “Cooking For One” by Fiona Phillips

ESSAY  “Gift Redemption” by Louise Hammel

ESSAY “Honest Surrender” by Emily Sorensen

FLANNEL BOARD “Living with Ambiguous Loss” by Allison Pingree

ESSAY “Waiting” by Lisa Turley Smith

POETRY “Emily Dow Partridge Young” by Britta Adams

ESSAY “Triumph” by Melissa Malcolm King

ESSAY “Some Beginnings” by JosieAnna Peterson

ESSAY “Shoulder Kisses” by Natasha Rogers

POETRY “Solstice” by Ashley Robinson

ESSAY “Six Months to Live” by Anne Pimentel

POETRY “Earth” by Jessie Giles

SABBATH PASTORALS “Through a Glass, Darkly” by Mer Monson

POETRY “Six Years After” by Mer Monson

BLOG FEATURE “Menopause and Me” with Lauren Walke

ESSAY “Contemplations from Board Games” by Amy Jurgensen

ESSAY “Cantus Firmus” by Sarah Perkins

POETRY “Being a Widow Isn’t That Bad” by Louise Hammel

ARTIST FEATURE “Art Made Accessible” — Interview with Tori Christensen

ESSAY “All Creatures” by Eunice Yi McMurray

WOMEN’S WORK “Living Onward” — Interview with Melissa Dalton-Bradford

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EDITORIAL STAFF

Editor-in-Chief Rachel Rueckert 
Managing Editor Carol Ann Litster Young
Art Editor Rocio Cisneros
Layout Designer & Editor Rosie Gochnour Serago
Women’s Theology Editor Eliza Wells 
Poetry Editor Abby Parcell
Blog Feature Editor Katie Ludlow Rich
Book Reviews Editor Ynna Padilla
Sabbath Pastorals Editor Nicole Sbitani

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EXECUTIVE BOARD

President Lori LeVar Pierce
Vice President & Secretary Lindsay Denton
Treasurer Jeanine Bean
Members Crystal Adams, Andee Bowden, Carol Ann Litster Young, Ramona Morris, Nancy Ross, Rachel Rueckert, Heather Sundahl

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MAGAZINE STAFF

Magazine Support: Andee Bowden, Kim Ence, Sherrie Gavin, Linda Hamilton, Hailey Hannigan, Jessica Mitton, Alma Frances Pellett, JosieAnna Peterson, Natasha Rogers, Shannon Soper

Art Community Ambassador Page Turner
Social Media Art Manager Charlotte Condie
Subscription Manager Gwen Volmar
Proofreaders Kami Coppins, Cherie Pedersen, Karen Rosenbaum

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SPECIAL THANKS

This magazine is volunteer-led and reader-funded. Please consider a donation, supporting our Patreon, or subscribing to support our contributors and community!

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Exponent II (ISSN 1094-7760) is published quarterly by Exponent II. Exponent II has no official connection with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Articles published represent the opinions of authors only and not necessarily those of the editor or staff. 

Copyright © 2023 by Exponent II, Inc. All rights reserved.

What We Can Learn from Christlike Missionaries

One of the most frequent complaints I see from commenters on this blog is that we bloggers are too critical of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I would argue that my criticism of the Church comes from my deep love of and care for it, especially as an active member myself. Although I don’t believe some of those commenters are writing in good faith, I do think it’s important to recognize the complexity of our institutions and to hold the good and the bad simultaneously.

In that spirit, I wanted to highlight a place where the Church is doing well and actively improving: encouraging missionaries to be respectful, kind, and inclusive. As an adult convert, I’ve never served a mission or been presented with much of an opportunity to do so. However, I’m very grateful for my friends who served in that way and for the missionaries who taught me about the Church and helped me find my spiritual home.

I recently learned in a news article that the Church manual Missionary Standards for Disciples of Jesus Christ was recently updated. The update that intrigued me the most was the one in Chapter 3: Missionary Conduct, which “describes missionary standards of behavior and Christlike qualities you are expected to practice and develop during your mission as you become a more dedicated disciple of Jesus Christ.” I like how it emphasizes that missionaries shouldn’t only be practicing these things but working to develop them further. It goes on to quote a delightful scripture: “Remember the word of God which saith by their works ye shall know them; for if their works be good, then they are good also” (Moroni 7:5).

What is the “Christlike behavior” the manual encourages missionaries to strive for and emulate? The text is clear:

“Be kind, positive, and uplifting. Be thoughtful of each person’s situation, asking yourself questions such as these:

Is it too late or early to contact this person? Would this inappropriately interrupt family or personal time?Is there a way I can be helpful in this situation?Could this action or comment embarrass, intimidate, or offend someone?What is appropriate for this culture?

You are a guest in the area where you serve and should treat people and places with respect and appreciation. Respect the customs, religious beliefs and practices, and sacred sites in your area at all times. Be careful that your actions will not offend anyone. Remember, what you say and what you do may be heard, observed, and recorded.”

What would our wards and branches be like if all of us were more kind, positive, and uplifting – leading with kindness first (even before positivity)? What if we were all more thoughtful of each person’s situation, social location, and culture? What if we all acted like a guest to those whom we served and respected them and their customs, religious beliefs and practices, and whatever they consider sacred? What if instead of judging people for being offended, we made a serious effort not to offend? These are excellent standards for missionaries, Christians, and all people to abide by if you ask me.

To my delight, the change that was made to this section – the whole reason it was mentioned in the article I read – was adding a reference to the “Prejudice” section of the General Handbook. That section isn’t perfect, but it declares important truths like, “God “hath made of one blood all nations” (Acts 17:26). “All are alike” unto Him (2 Nephi 26:33). Each person is “as precious in his sight as the other” (Jacob 2:21).” These are especially important to reinforce given the racist history of Christian missionaries in general and the racist history of Mormon missionaries in particular preaching the Gospel in ways that devalued and dehumanized certain groups of people. (I even previously wrote a satirical blog post about white Mormon returned missionaries who mean well but exoticize their missions.)

The Church handbook also urges members to be forward-leaning on issues of prejudice, saying “The Church calls on all people to abandon attitudes and actions of prejudice toward any group or individual. Members of the Church should lead out in promoting respect for all of God’s children. Members follow the Savior’s commandment to love others (see Matthew 22:35–39). They strive to be persons of goodwill toward all, rejecting prejudice of any kind. This includes prejudice based on race, ethnicity, nationality, tribe, gender, age, disability, socioeconomic status, religious belief or nonbelief, and sexual orientation” (emphasis mine).

Per this section, it’s not enough to wait for the tide of public opinion to swing towards greater inclusion: we should be leading the charge. It’s also not enough to keep our prejudiced thoughts to ourselves but should labor to mitigate and eradicate them as we seek to become eventually perfected. The most Christlike missionaries do this, encourage those around them to do this, and inspire me to be better.

“The Art of Losing” by Rachel Rueckert

A few years ago, I found myself driving alone toward the desert for a solo camping trip outside of Zion National Park. Who was that self, without a plan or a travel companion, and what was she up to? I don’t know that I can answer any better now than I could at that moment. With both hands on the hot steering wheel, watching the white lines of the unbending road whoosh under the tires, I kept thinking of the word “annihilated.” I felt as though my whole comforting sense of self — my routines, my identities, my notions of safety, my beliefs and stories, my coping mechanisms, my career, my ego, and more — were tearing away as fast as those lines flying under the car. Fear nipped at my heels, while figurative and very real death had chased me here.

“Who am I?” I kept asking myself and the red-rock cliffs. “What is left? What is real?”

“I am a person. Driving a car.” That felt as far as I could go, as honest as I could answer.

One of my favorite poets, Elizabeth Bishop, wrote that “The art of losing isn’t hard to master.” Her work, grappling with grief, inspired the theme for this issue. Our human experience is punctuated (and sometimes overwhelmed) by loss: everything from baby teeth to childhood homes, from sentimental objects to long-held plans, from versions of ourselves to — ultimately — some of our dearest loved ones. What do we learn when we examine the shards of our griefs, small and large? What losses have become surprising blessings? What dreams or narratives get reimagined or discarded in pursuit of something realer and new? What do these legacies imprint on us, and who are we when we emerge?

This issue offers a mosaic of truth as the writers and artists wrestle with the “art of losing.”

This issue offers a mosaic of truth as the writers and artists wrestle with the “art of losing.” The evocative cover by Hayley Labrum Morrison creates space to reflect on Lot’s Wife, her namelessness and her valid experiences. The use of salt in the piece itself, as Great Salt Lake disappears day by day, speaks to environmental loss and climate crisis. Our written features include a spectrum of wonderful poetry, a Flannel Board by Allison Pingree analyzing ambiguous loss, and an interview about grief with international author Melissa Dalton-Bradford. Several of our essays confront the death of loved ones — family members for Anne Pimentel, Lisa Turley Smith, Cherie Taylor Pedersen, Fiona Phillips, and Louise Hammel, and also animals in the case of Eunice  Yi McMurray and JosieAnna Peterson. Lisa Van Orman Hadley gives a poignant tour through losses, big and small. We also have essays that explore both sides of child protection organizations, with a moving piece by Natasha Rogers on being a foster mother and another by Sarah Perkins, who documents her horrific experience of having her children wrongfully taken away.

Many of our pieces also celebrate the beauty found alongside losing. In our Artist Feature, Tori Christensen describes her textile work and the joys that have come by making her art accessible to the visually impaired community. Elise Wehle, through a stunning papercut, pays homage to the art form she loves that she must leave behind for her health. In other essays, Amy Jurgensen observes her daughter’s wise reactions to losing board games, Emily Sorensen reframes divorce narratives while honoring her faith and sexual identity, and Mer Monson’s Sabbath Pastoral reflects on letting go of fear narratives about the world. Melissa Malcolm King lyrically describes freedom found through loss in her aptly named essay, “Triumph.”

I still think about that memorable trip I took to the heart of the desert. At the height of so much suffering and annihilation, the desert offered me space — the space to mourn, the space to witness, to space to lean in instead of away from the loss. At night, coyotes cried, as if mourning with me. But maybe they were keeping vigil to a sacred experience. There is no escape from heartbreak; welcome to mortality. But we do have the choice to observe loss head-on without looking the other way or imagining ourselves immune. The brave contributors of this issue model how to sit with this universal truth. In sharing their experiences, they invite us to witness our own with a little more courage, compassion, and reverence.

(Photo by Simon Berger on Unsplash)

Eat, drink and be merry, ladies! Women are exempt from most commandments.

I’m often told that because certain scriptures use male pronouns, God has mandated a male-only priesthood. They point to scriptures like this one:

Every elder, priest, teacher, or deacon is to be ordained according to the gifts and callings of God unto him; and he is to be ordained by the power of the Holy Ghost, which is in the one who ordains him.

D&C 20:60

It’s a bit odd that so many LDS church members read such scriptures as excluding women, because that is not how we usually interpret scripture in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS).

Here are some examples of other scriptures in the LDS Doctrine and Covenants that use those ubiquitous male pronouns. What if we interpreted them in the same way?

That inasmuch as any man drinketh wine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father, only in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him.

D&C 89:5

Eat, drink and be merry, ladies! The alcohol prohibition in the word of wisdom is just for men!

And he that believeth and is baptized shall be saved, and he that believeth not, and is not baptized, shall be damned.

D&C 112:29

Dudes, you gotta get baptized! But why do we keep baptizing women and girls, too? There’s no call for that.

And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents not he shall be cast out.

D&C 42:23

This is a fun one because if you interpret it literally, not only do all of us women and nonbinary folks get to be as lustful as we please, since this scripture is only for those who identify as a “he,” but our gay male friends also get a pass.

Of course, church leaders don’t interpret these scriptures to mean that only men should abstain from drinking, or only men must be baptized, or only heterosexual men need to control their lust. And I agree with them. All of these scriptures apply to all of us, despite the gendered language they use. The male pronouns are just a relict from an outdated way of speaking. Misinterpreting these scriptures to literally exclude women from commandments and ordinances would be a grave error.

We make the same mistake when we use the gendered language of scripture to justify excluding women from the priesthood.

Detail from Nymphs Dancing to Pan’s Flute by Joseph Tomanek, 1920

“Lost Things” by Lisa Van Orman Hadley

Do we only lose things if we realize they are missing? The meanings of all these things are sometimes lost on us. To access this post, you must purchase Subscription – Digital, , Subscription – Print + Digital, United States, Gift an Exponent II Magazine Subscription – Year-Long Gift Digital Only, or Gift an Exponent II Magazine Subscription – Automatic Annual Renewal Digital Only, .

“Moving On” by Cherie Taylor Pedersen

Besides, they were just things, right? I didn’t need his clothing to keep alive my memories. To access this post, you must purchase Subscription – Digital, , Subscription – Print + Digital, United States, Gift an Exponent II Magazine Subscription – Year-Long Gift Digital Only, or Gift an Exponent II Magazine Subscription – Automatic Annual Renewal Digital Only, .

“Cooking For One” by Fiona Philips

Aloneness is tangible. It shrugs right up against you And presses against your skin. It smells cold and aches. Heat up the oven. Stir your sweet sauces. Put on your flowered dress, Earrings and bracelet. Set a pretty table, Mother’s china and goblets. Serve yourself first, There is space for a friend. ARTIST STATEMENTCooking For […] To access this post, you must purchase Subscription – Digital, , Subscription – Print + Digital, United States, Gift an Exponent II Magazine Subscription – Year-Long Gift Digital Only, or Gift an Exponent II Magazine Subscription – Automatic Annual Renewal Digital Only, .

A Tale of Two Supreme Court Justices (and what a fast-approaching Oaks presidency looks like for LDS girls)

On two separate occasions, I have spent the evening with a Utah Supreme Court Justice. One of those evenings was a lot more involved than the other, but I am going to count both because they’ve each had an impact on my life and my thoughts about LDS working women and careers.

The first one was with Dallin H. Oaks. 

This was a much less engaged evening of the two, but it led me down a rabbit hole of reading his (and his wife Kristen’s) thoughts and beliefs about women and careers. I wrote in detail about that experience HERE in a prior blog post. I feel like Elder Oaks receives a fair amount of (well deserved) criticism for a lifetime of misunderstanding and pain between himself and the LGBTQ community, but I rarely hear anyone discussing his views on women and girls. President Nelson is a very old man, and with each passing day the chances that we will wake up to a newly appointed President Oaks grows. I think it’s time we open the discussion about the future of LDS girls under his presidency. 

I recommend reading the entire post I linked to above for more context of my feelings about his opinions on women, but as a summary for those of you who are in a hurry, this is what Elder and Sister Oaks think about women having careers (in my own words):

“Men should definitely have dreams and goals, and they shouldn’t hesitate to take career paths that lead to long hours and time away from family duties if they really love it. Women should never prioritize career goals, and even if you’re 50 and still haven’t got married yet you should keep becoming a wife your number one priority. If you’re too successful, men will be intimidated and not want you. Brethren – your ambitions and dreams are ordained of God! Sisters – your ambitions and dreams are the lynchpin in Satan’s plan to destroy the family.”

I will admit that Elder Oaks is complicated when it comes to the discussion of working mothers because his father passed away when he was seven and he was raised by a single, working mom. He sings her praises at every chance he gets, which is notable. However, the impression I always get is that he believes a woman can enter the workforce if there is a desperate need, such as her young husband dying of tuberculosis unexpectedly (as happened to his mom). He does not seem to extend the same courtesy to women and girls who simply want to have a career. Their mental health and overall satisfaction with their lives does not reach the level of necessity where he would approve of them working. If a twenty-five-year-old woman came to him and said, “I have two little babies and I’m absolutely miserable at home. I want to go to law school like you did and become a Supreme Court Justice someday!”, I don’t think there’s a snowball’s chance in hell he would tell her to go for it, even though that’s exactly what he did as a young person.

The second Utah Supreme Court Justice that I (actually) spent an evening with is the amazing current Justice Diana Hagen.

I would like to preface here that I have absolutely no idea what Diana’s religious beliefs are. She might be LDS, she might not be. This is my opinion and not hers about everything I’m going to say, and if this makes it into her hands to read at some point I have only one message for her: I love you, Diana. My friends and I are forming a fan club and we will sell t-shirts with a big heart around your beautiful face.

Here’s the shirt. I just made it.

I met Justice Hagen in March of this year. I help run a large girl scout troop in Lehi, Utah, and we took our middle school aged girls to meet her after business hours at the Utah State Courthouse. She was incredibly kind and endlessly fascinating, not just for our girls but for the adult leaders there as well. She let us sit in the chairs where the justices sit to make their decisions, we toured the courthouse and hung out in her private judge’s chambers. She taught us about her role in the justice system and told us amazing stories about her life and career.

Originally she wanted to be an actress, but read a book that made her fall in love with the law. She was given an opportunity to attend law school on a scholarship, but during her first semester became discouraged because there were very few women in the law school. All of the men made her feel intimidated, and she assumed they were all much smarter and better prepared than she was. She almost dropped out, but her husband encouraged her to at least finish that first semester and see how she ranked and make her decision after that. (Apparently in law school you don’t get grades throughout the semester, you just take a test at the very end and your score on that test is your entire grade.)

When the test scores came back, much to Diana’s surprise, she was actually the number one student out of the entire class! All of the big talk by the male students around her had made her doubt herself, but when she realized she was just as qualified as any of the other students (in fact, even better at the law then any of them were) she went on to graduate and have an amazing career.

This story resonated with my own life experience so much. Right out of BYU at my first real job I outperformed (and outearned, because it was commission based) an entire department of almost all older men who had made me feel out of place and untalented at first, too. I’d almost quit eight weeks into that job because I’d been trying to follow the men’s rules for how to close business and sales, (which included silly testosterone driven tactics like, “Be aggressive! Find their pain! Make it hurt so much they can’t stand it and then offer them the way out!”) and one day a client started to laugh right out loud at me and then apologized immediately. He said, “I’m so sorry. Your voice is just so sweet and you are so friendly, and the words coming out of your mouth just don’t match.”

I went to the restroom after this incident to regroup, and I almost quit that day. I was clearly not cut out for this type of high-end sales job the way all of the men were, who’d been closing big business deals for decades and nobody laughed at them when they were doing it.

But I had two more weeks left on training wages before I went to straight commission, and I decided not to quit yet. Instead of using the extensive sales training all of the men had provided me, I just started to be myself (which at first amused them all to no end). We were selling education programs for big investors, so I’d been learning everything I could about the stock market, trading options, the currency market, etc., and I stopped seeing my clients as conquests and instead treated them like friends – because I really like people. The men around me at first thought I was wasting so much time chatting about people’s kids and their personal lives, but they stopped being so cocky when my sales started to catch up to – and then very quickly pass – their own. 

Because I didn’t quit that very male dominated sales floor, within my first year I’d shattered the company’s all time weekly sales records and was awarded Rookie of the Year. My income was four or five times that of many of the other salesmen. Yet I had almost quit, just like Diana Hagen, because I was surrounded by intimidating men and doubted my ability as a young woman to do the job they were all doing.

I did really well during my short-lived sales career (it was just under two years) before having my first baby, and I’ve wondered many times how well I could’ve done in the business world or law or something else that required all of the same talents that made me so good at high end sales. I pulled these two awards out of a box in my basement to take a picture of them for this post. The plaque on the right was hanging on the wall my last day of work and I took it with me on my way out. (I’m glad I did!)

When Diana Hagen told her story of being intimidated in law school but turning out to be absolutely exceptional at her law career, it mirrored my own feelings as a young woman in that sales position. And yet, our paths diverged there because I gave up my talents in the business world to be a stay-at-home parent and support my husband’s career, while she pursued her career with her husband’s full support. (And to be clear, I also had my husband’s full support to continue working if I had chosen to, but my own mental shackles from a lifetime of prophetic statements about the evils of women working outside the home were too much for me to overcome. I chose to give up my ambitions and talents in the workplace for what I thought would be a better reward – pleasing Heavenly Father with my obedience to church leaders.)

Justice Hagen has done amazing and interesting things in the world of law, while also having two children and being a mother. She spent a year gathering evidence for the case that proved Brian David Mitchell was mentally competent to stand trial and face consequences for his kidnapping of Elizabeth Smart. She was in the court sketches provided to media outlets and on the wall of her judge’s chambers hangs a signed copy of the newspaper breaking the news of her success, signed by Elizabeth Smart herself. As she told what she had to do for that case (interviewing every nurse that ever interacted with Mitchell at the state hospital, psychology research, organizing her case against him), I realized that it sounded like so much fun. Since I’d been so gifted at sales and talking people into seeing my point of view, it occurred to me that I probably would’ve been really good at convincing juries and judges to see my point of view, too. 

Diana Hagen sat in her chambers and talked to our girls about her life and career. I don’t doubt she would’ve been a great stay at home mom if she’d chosen to be one, but the idea that women belong exclusively at home has eliminated so much female talent and influence from the public sphere. I am so grateful that Justice Hagen listened to her inner voice and followed her dreams. All of Utah is better off for her decision.

 

These memoirs from the Brian David Mitchell case hang on the wall of Justice Hagen’s chambers. I love that this powerhouse of a woman helped bring justice to this evil predator in her feminine pink suit.

On the walls in the hallways outside the courtroom were portraits of all the past justices, including Dallin Oaks. He (just like Diana Hagen) loved the law and worked long hours and adored his career. Yet in the very next breath after describing how much his law career fulfilled him, he will counsel the importance of women to never seeking that same fulfillment for themselves. He believes their lives should be complete by watching their husbands have a fulfilling career while caring for his home and children.

This man is next in line to be the head of the church, but it often feels to me like he doesn’t recognize the humanity of women at all. The idea that we could have the same longing for success in a career path as a man doesn’t seem to occur to him. When I look at him, I see a man amused by my silly feminine ambitions to have done more with my life than just help a man achieve his best life.

Being there with Justice Hagen and then seeing Elder Oaks hanging on the wall, a man who by his words alone had effectively kept me out of places like this made me want to accidentally trip and grab his portrait and smash it into the floor. Elder Oaks, based on all of the many sermons and interviews I’ve read from him, would never encourage my girl scouts to go into the field of law if they had any ability to be a stay-at-home mom instead.

My friend Darci (more of her story to come) and I took this selfie together with his portrait that night, wondering why he was secluded on a wall all by himself, when everyone else was lined up together along the hallways. Did the other portraits think he was kind of mean?

I like to imagine an alternate universe where he started law school, fell deeply in love with the law, and then was told he must quit and stay home alone with his children from dawn to dusk like his first wife did. In his biography there are stories of the many church callings that would take him away from his law practice and force him to finish work late at night after fulfilling his church duties. He always made it a priority to be home for dinner with his family (which I presume his wife prepared each night), then would go right back to either law or church work until bedtime. (As an army wife with years of deployments under my belt, his wife’s experience sounds a lot like mine except she also had to make a hot dinner for her absent spouse each night, while I could get away with feeding my kids cold cereal.)

In contrast to Elder Oaks’ discouragement for girls to choose a career path other than full time other motherhood, Justice Hagen handed out her business cards to all of our girls. She promised to help any of them who ever wanted to go to law school, talked about her supportive husband who was a stay-at-home dad, and gave these Hershey bars out for the girls to take home:

This is my own daughter and I with Justice Hagen.

On the wall here is the portrait of the very first female Utah Supreme Court Justice ever, Christine Durham. Diana Hagen explained to the girls that while she was personally welcomed to the supreme court with open arms in 2022, Justice Durham unfortunately did not receive such a warm welcome when she joined the bench in 1982. I have absolutely zero idea what her interaction with Elder Oaks was at the time, and Justice Durham appears to be friends with him to this day – but Elder Oaks was appointed to the bench in 1981, so he was a fairly new member of the supreme court when that first female member ever was appointed and confirmed. I know that Durham is LDS, so I can’t help but wonder how the Oaks that I have become so familiar with over the years reacted to an LDS mother in 1982 joining him for a job that he seemed to feel was only appropriate for men to aspire to and obtain. Was he welcoming and kind? Was he cold and distant? Did Christine love his friendship, or was it Christine who moved his portrait to a lone wall with no framed friends around him when she retired as chief justice in 2012? I will probably never know.

I went home that night and couldn’t sleep, wondering what would’ve happened if I had known I could go to law school back in my twenties. I mean, technically I knew I could – but I also knew I really couldn’t if I wanted to follow God’s plan for my life as a woman. I sacrificed my entire identity to start having babies, and this is something I now have to grapple with in my early forties. I certainly don’t hate my life or my family – but I do kind of hate not realizing it was possible to have had my family AND a career, just like men do every single day.

I know it’s never too late, but…it kind of is. There is irreparable damage done to my ability to have a career because even if I started one tomorrow, I would still be twenty years behind every single man in the same field. It just doesn’t seem like a reasonable or logical option to me right now. My life works how it is now just fine, and I’m not dying to start school over again or go into an entry level position somewhere. That doesn’t stop me from thinking of what might have been if I had considered other options as a young BYU student. 

I asked two of my good friends (and co-leaders in my girl scout troop) Darci and Ashlee to share some of their experiences in this topic. Darci was with me the night we met Justice Hagen, and all of our daughters were as well.

Darci (from the Oaks selfie pic with me) dropped out of college to become a young mother to her daughter Mona here. She just went back to school 12 months ago to finally finish her degree in education.Here is young Darci and baby Mona.

These are Darci’s words about her education as an LDS woman:

Darci’s daughter Mona (sitting in the supreme court in a justice’s chair) will not feel limited in her potential if any of us have a say in it!

Another co-leader in my troop named Ashlee sent her daughter Averie to the courthouse with us that night. When Ashlee graduated high school, she had no idea what to do next because no one had ever talked to her about college or what her next step would be – except for getting married and becoming a mother.

Fast forward to 2023, and Ashlee just finished her master’s degree a few weeks before her fortieth birthday and is working as a school counselor. In addition to obtaining two degrees while having three children, Ashlee’s been influential in setting policies and procedures for how behaviors with children are handled with DCFS and the school district, she owns a home, and is financially independent (without her husband’s income). 

Her success is inspiring and she worked very hard to accomplish her goals, but what if she had been encouraged to make plans and have ambitions as a young woman right out of high school instead of figuring it out on her own after she already had kids? To this day Ashlee’s parents don’t acknowledge her academic and professional success. When listing his children’s accomplishments her father’s only item for Ashlee is that she’s the mother of three.

This is a young Ashlee with her first baby.This is Ashlee with her family this past weekend, celebrating her 20-year anniversary.This is Averie on the night of our visit to Justice Hagen.

The current younger generation of girls should feel more empowered to seek careers than those of us from the Ezra Taft Benson era (or who were taught by leaders and parents from that era) did. There are even female auxiliary leaders in the church now who openly discuss their decision to work outside the home (which still shocks me every time I see it happen).

Camille Johnson (former general primary president, current Relief Society president, and lawyer for 30 years) mentioned the women who blessed her in her professional life in this Instagram post.This comment came from a woman who brought up the very real belief that women working outside of the home was considered a “sin” for many of us, and President Johnson gave her comment three emoji hearts. Things are looking up for girls, at least with the female leaders!

These small changes (like calling women who have had professional careers into auxiliary leadership positions) are great, but until women are treated as full humans, with their righteous desires and ambitions treated with the same dignity and worth as a man’s – especially by the man who will soon be the leader of the LDS church – this community will only be Zion for half of the population.

PS. I’ve written a couple other blog posts about women and careers if you’re interested in more thoughts on the topic:

What Could I Have Done Differently With My Life if I Wasn’t Raised LDS? – Exponent II

Can LDS Moms Stop Feeling Guilty for Wanting a Career Now? – Exponent II

“Gift Redemption” by Louise Hammel

I can recount thirty years of disappointing gifts from my husband — he simply had no clue. There was the electric can opener for our anniversary, a garage parking sign, the claustrophobic footed-robe that tripped me when I walked. I was forewarned by my new mother-in-law when she begged me to take over buying the […] To access this post, you must purchase Subscription – Digital, , Subscription – Print + Digital, United States, Gift an Exponent II Magazine Subscription – Year-Long Gift Digital Only, or Gift an Exponent II Magazine Subscription – Automatic Annual Renewal Digital Only, .

“Honest Surrender” by Emily Sorensen

For as long as I can remember, I have felt a certain kind of loneliness, an emptiness that I couldn’t put my finger on until recently. As a child, I often felt different from those around me. I was a half-Mexican child who looked fully Latina but was raised culturally White. I grew up in […] To access this post, you must purchase Subscription – Digital, , Subscription – Print + Digital, United States, Gift an Exponent II Magazine Subscription – Year-Long Gift Digital Only, or Gift an Exponent II Magazine Subscription – Automatic Annual Renewal Digital Only, .