Exponent II's Blog, page 77

On Waiting

Guest post by Rachel Hunt Steenblik, who is a co-editor of Mormon Feminism: Essential Writings and the author of Mother’s Milk: Poems in Search of Heavenly Mother and .

From a talk given Sunday, December 10, in the Columbus, IN 2nd Ward

Good morning, brothers and sisters.

One of my favorite parts of Christmas, is the traditions, and how they differ slightly between families, religions, cultures, and countries, while having commonality threaded between them of family togetherness, memory, and love.

One of the traditions we’ve been doing in our home this year is two different versions of Advent, counting down the days until Christmas.

One of these is a children’s book advent, made up of many books we already owned, and a few new ones we didn’t. (We also do a mix of Christmas, Solstice, and Chinese New Year’s books to honor other parts of our family culture.) Each one is wrapped, and each day, going in order from oldest to youngest, one of my children gets to choose a book to unwrap and we read it together.

The second is a Harry Potter Lego advent calendar gifted from my mom. The idea is the same, but in opposite order. So if it’s our oldest child’s turn to open a book, it is our youngest child’s turn to open a Lego. Each day my kids ask me whose turn it is and when they can open them. They’re excited for this tradition helping them wait.

There is another version of Advent, that instead of counting down the days before Christmas, counts down the weeks, specifically the Sundays, starting four Sundays before.

I was introduced to this tradition when I was at BYU. My friend’s roommate, Annika, was from Germany and was far from home and family, so she invited friends and acquaintances to celebrate this important tradition with her. Every Sunday many college students squeezed together in a small college student home, to light candles set in a flat evergreen wreath, laying on a table, first one candle, then two, then three, then four, on the last Sunday.

As we gathered there, Annika would tell us about what each candle represented and share a small thought on the theme. The first one was hope, the second was peace, the third was joy, the fourth was love. They also had names. Hope was the Prophecy Candle. Peace was the Bethlehem Candle. Joy was the Shepherd’s Candle. And love was the Angel’s Candle.

Three were purple to represent penance and prayer in the traditional liturgy, but joy was pink, because rose was joy’s liturgical color. We sang Christmas songs, ate German cookies, and talked.

In a First Presidency Christmas Devotional several years ago, President Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke of celebrating this same tradition as a young boy. He shared:

“When I was very young and living in East Germany, Christmas in our family began four weeks before Christmas Eve with the beginning of Advent. We made a fresh-cut wreath from a fir or a spruce and put four candles on top of it and placed it on our kitchen table. On the fourth Sunday before Christmas, we lit the first candle.”

Uchtdorf said that they also “sang Christmas songs and listened to Christmas stories…” and added, “Advent was a time of anticipation and hope and it brought a special feeling into our humble home as we prepared for something holy and beautiful. Each Sunday we lit one additional candle, by the fourth Sunday our expectations for the coming joyous events had reached their peak.” (Dieter F., Uctdorf, First Presidency’s Christmas Devotional, December 2008)

A BYU Religion Professor named Eric Huntsman, who is currently the academic director of BYU’s Jerusalem Center, has written extensively about his own experiences incorporating this tradition into his family’s celebrations of Christmas.

In one of these, he shared that the word “[Advent] takes its name from the Latin term adventus, which means ‘coming’ or ‘appearance,’ and that he remembers when his daughter Rachel was five, and “how much he enjoyed explaining to her the symbolism of the small wreath that [they] had purchased, describing how the wreath represents the never-ending circle of God’s love, showing that he is the same forever in his love toward his people. The green of the wreath, as in the Christmas tree, represents the hope of eternal life that comes through Christ and serves as a reminder of the freshness of God’s love and promises. The light of the candles reminds us that Jesus is the Light of the World, that his birth represented the coming of that light into darkness, and that we are called to reflect that light in our lives.” (Eric D. Huntsman, “Good Tidings of Great Joy: Celebrating Advent,” Wayfare Magazine, Nov. 25, 2023.)

At its heart, Advent is also about waiting and acknowledging that the thing we are waiting for is not yet.

A German theologian I admire, named Dietrick Bonhoeffer, was imprisoned during World War II for his resistance to the Nazis. While he was in prison, waiting in more than one way, he wrote: “Celebrating Advent means being able to wait. Waiting is an art that our impatient age has forgotten. …Whoever does not know the austere blessedness of wafting–that is, of hopefully doing without–will never experience the full blessing of fulfillment. … For the greatest, most profound, tenderest things in the world, we must wait. It happens not here in a storm but according to the divine laws of sprouting, growing, and becoming.” (God Is in the Manger: Reflections on Advent and Christmas, p 4, Presbyterian Publishing Corporation. Kindle Edition.)

An LDS writer, I admire, Cece Proffit wrote, “The gift Advent offers me in this season of my life is the space to acknowledge that all is not yet as it should be. … Advent doesn’t ask me to pretend that all is well when I know with perfect clarity that it is not. Advent invites me instead to lean into my longing for a better world, and to allow that longing to move me towards hope.” (Cecilia Proffit, “Come, Lord Jesus: An Advent Invitation,” Wayfare Magazine, Nov. 25, 2023.)

When an angel brought the shepherds “good tidings of great joy” and said with an added “heavenly host” “and on earth peace, good will toward men,” (Luke 2:10; Luke 2:13-14) there wasn’t peace on earth. Not yet.  At least not the kind many in the world were expecting. There was political turmoil and danger for many. As we celebrate Christmas this and maybe every other year, there is not peace on earth. Not yet. Not in the ways we might want. Instead, there are wars and rumors of wars. And still we remember and reenact the angels words, about peace. And still we hold up light, and try to create more light.

I’m also thinking about these various types of Advent for a few additional reasons.

The first is because waiting is often uncomfortable. It’s hard. Most of us don’t like waiting. Even Dr. Seuss in his book, “Oh the Places You’ll Go” describes the waiting place as a place you want to get out of. 

But waiting also gives us the opportunity to exercise faith, hope, and charity.

And in our lives, we will all be asked to wait upon the Lord for things that we cannot see, for things that we may desperately want and hope for. For some, that might be a partner to go through life with. For others, a child; or a good job; or to do well on a test, or in a music or sports performance. We may be waiting for greater health for a loved one, or resolution to another issue close to our heart.

The second reason Advent is on my mind is from thinking about the first Christmas. We can count down a set number of days or Sundays towards a specific date, because we know the date we will celebrate Christmas. But Mary and Joseph could not do this. They did not know the date Jesus would be born, that first Christmas. Neither did the wisemen. Neither did the shepherds. Maybe only the angels.

Even more, while I hope and trust Mary was supported by midwives during her pregnancy and potentially birth, she and Joseph did not have OBGYN appointments or ultrasounds to help them estimate the due date. It might have just been a “due season,” so they experienced fresh waiting, expecting, hoping, and more waiting—so much waiting.

For our births and pregnancies, those of us in modern times will be given an expected “Due Date” to count down to, even knowing that it’s unlikely our baby will be born on that actual day. I suspect many mothers can remember their children’s due dates in addition to their actual birthdates. For example, my daughter was due October 5th. She was born October 10. My oldest son was due April 30th. He was born May 9th. My last baby was born over two weeks late, in a Chinese hospital during the pandemic. I ultimately had to be induced. Even then, when I knew what date he was likely to be born, there was waiting. By myself, my husband, the many doctors and nurses surrounding me, and my doula.

I shared I hope that Mary was supported by midwives, and love modern day paintings depicting that. I hope Heavenly Mother was waiting with her, too.

The closer you get to your due date, the more intense the waiting can feel. Especially at the very end of pregnancy, when, if you’re lucky, the nausea has abated, but the discomfort, difficulty sleeping, and need to go to the bathroom a whole lot remains. When the internal kicks are both comforting, because they tell you the baby is alive and well, but also painful because the baby has grown. When you’re really, really, really ready for that sweet baby to be out of your body and in your arms, to see their face.

When, towards your due date, every time you call a family member or friend about anything else, they wonder if you’re in labor, and you have to tell them for what feels like the umpteenth time, that you’re not.

And you might also be feeling anxious or scared about the birth. Especially if it’s your first birth, you might be wondering what labor will feel like, and if you’ll be able to recognize it. You may wonder when to go to the hospital or when to call your midwife, doula, or mom. You may wonder, hoping, that everything will go well, and that you’ll be strong enough to carry you and your baby through what is needed. To even in that time, wait.

Mary may have been feeling many of these same things. I think it’s important to remember this. I think the physicality of birth and waiting, especially by a woman matters. Because Jesus, like us, needed a body, and a woman’s body, courage, and love, is how it happened.

I hope you’ll think about some of this, as you wait, expectantly for Christmas, and as you light candles, or trees, thinking about Jesus who IS the light, and that we can intentionally practice hope, peace, joy, and love.
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

***

With gratitude to Cece Profitt who pointed me toward beautiful articles and quotations and helped me think through these topics.

The Trouble With Empty-Seat Theology

When I was a baby, I traveled with my parents to a temple in a far-away place where were sealed as a family. I sat on the altar where my parents knelt, and someone put my tiny, chubby hand over their clasped hands for the ceremony.

In the order of heaven, promises matter. When God makes a promise, that promise is binding. If God lies, God ceases to be God. 

In some traditions, babies are baptized. In ours, that notion is utterly rejected. A covenant must be entered into with eyes wide open for it to mean anything. Accountability is a prerequisite for covenant-making, not only in our faith but across human history.

So when I sat there in a little white dress, I didn’t make any promises that day. Our sealing was my parents’ gift, assuring me eternal parentage. I did nothing to receive it. Which means that this blessing is not contingent upon me. I cannot break it by happenstance. We are bound together. If my parents fulfill their part of the covenant, then I am covered by the terms of the covenant. If we are not together in the eternities, it will not be God’s doing.

When a child leaves the church, or makes life decisions that are not consistent with our ideas about celestial destiny, it can be hard to reconcile how they will be together with their eternal family. This time of year, our loved ones look around the dinner table and take a silent headcount, wondering how many seats will be empty hereafter.

It seems like a paradox. As human beings and as people of faith, we are accustomed to paradox. Believing in God has always required us to stretch our imaginations—to acknowledge the edges of our understanding. When faced with logical inconsistency, we return to our roots. The entirety of our theology must be built upon a correct understanding of the nature and character of God—A god who is very much in the business of making broken things whole. A god who is very, very good at making sad things beautiful again. A god who is creative and kind. Anything less is useless.

God makes covenants, and God does not lie. 

Children are sealed to their parents.

The only empty seats in heaven will be of our own making.

50th Anniversary Issue – Spring 2024 Call for Submissions

Next year, Exponent II is celebrating 50 years of circulation. We stand on the shoulders of giants. We are so proud of this luminous publication and want to put together a special issue in honor of this major milestone.

If you feel called to submit work, we’d love to hear from you.

Some potential prompts:

What does Exponent II mean to you?Write a brief “shout out” to the magazine to be included alongside others.Describe a meaningful experience of either reading or contributing to the magazine in some way.What is a special experience you’ve had with this organization? How have you felt its sense of community?

We welcome creativity and vivid storytelling. We are also open to all kinds of mediums, such as essays, theology, poetry, art, photographs, fan mail, and more expressions of joy about what this community has brought you. Surprise us, delight us, and help us celebrate together.

To submit your work to this magazine contest, please follow the submission guidelines and submit your work by January 15, 2023. 

(Photo by Kendall Scott on Unsplash)

We Shall Talk: Disrupting the Status Quo

All my life, I had been taught we shouldn’t gossip, and I had faithfully done so. My neurodivergent mind took this rule very literally. But as I watched my very social grandmother, who lived most of her life in the same small town, gossip joyfully on the phone during her weekly phone calls with friends, I realized something.

Gossip is necessary. We must talk about each other because gossip is a vital tool of knowledge sharing. I can’t drop by and deliver a good meal if I don’t know someone has been sick. I can’t be empathetic and kind if I don’t know that a traumatic experience has happened. I can’t know where to tread lightly in conversation without knowing that so-and-so had a miscarriage. This sounds like such a “duh” moment, but realizing there’s a nuance in the way we talk about each other was important to me.

Although passing along judgmental opinions, false information, or sharing confidential information from a position of power, authority, or trust is still very wrong, the actual act of talking about other people is right. Lightbulb!

While scrolling on Tik Tok the other day, as one does, I encountered another lightbulb moment. The Group Behavior Gal, a survivor of a cult and current scholar on cults, said, “Gossip is destructive to any organization that does not appreciate the contributions of women and gossip is destructive to any organization that relies on the status quo to maintain their power.”

Well. This certainly puts a different spin on statements like this one found in a 2018 general conference address from Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf:

“This is the kind of gospel culture we desire to cultivate throughout the Church of Jesus Christ. We seek to strengthen the Church as a place where we forgive one another. Where we resist the temptation to find fault, gossip, and bring others down. Where, instead of pointing out flaws, we lift up and help each other to become the best we can be.”

Gossip is always paired up with fault finding, evil speaking, and being judgmental, and while “standing for righteousness” is encouraged, since we never connect the act of talking about each other to that value, the result is a church culture that both disenfranchises women and preserves harmful status quos.

Look no further than the Bay Area women speaking out about the Area Authority’s decision to remove female leaders from the stands during Sacrament meetings. I can guess these women are probably not getting praised for lifting and helping those around them to be the best they can be. They’re probably not getting congratulated for speaking up or standing for truth and righteousness. There are probably some leaders, or at least an Area Authority presidency, that would rather not have seen coverage in a newspaper. And yet, in speaking up publicly, these women are naming the harm a priesthood leader can inflict and challenging the status quo. We must talk and hallelujah that we are!

The last time I was offered a calling, I also did some talking that felt rebellious, but actually shouldn’t be. I was asked to be ward chorister and I knew who the ward music leader was, so I called her up to discuss the calling directly. I explained my feelings and impressions about the calling and we discussed how to make the calling work for me and for her. My husband and I had already decided to curtail our Sunday attendance, because Sundays at home during COVID had been too good to let go, so we were attending once a month. With this new calling, I offered a compromise to be chorister two Sundays a month. A second part-time chorister was also called.

The person who was a little rumpled in all of this was the Bishopric counselor who didn’t really want the calling to be broken up, but since he wasn’t willing to die on the hill, the plans I worked out with the ward music leader directly proceeded and have operated beautifully.

We’re not supposed to talk about our callings, but I did and it was better. We’re supposed to think that sacred and secret are the same, and so never speak to the public, but when we do, it’s better. How many facets of our experience in the church as women could be made better because we talk about them? No wonder gossip is discouraged.

Be a rebellious woman. Talk.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Come Follow Me: Revelation 6–14 “They Overcame … by the Blood of the Lamb”

Image source

I teach youth Sunday School, and my particular group of youth are nerdy and artistic. We’re going to spend most of the this class period creating a graphic novel fan fiction version of the assigned chapters. I’m going to bring several large pieces of paper and lots of markers and colored pencils. We might move class to the gym so there’s plenty of space to work. I’ll label the top of each paper so students get a choice about what they want to draw.

Chapter 6, Six seals: four horses, martyrs, earthquakeChapter 7, Angels, tribes, multitudeChapter 8, 7th seal: silence, then trumpets 1-4Chapter 9, First two woes: battle locusts, cavalryChapter 10, John eats a little bookChapter 11, Measuring the temple, two witnesses, 7th trumpetChapter 12, woman, child, and dragonChapter 13, beast from the sea, beast from the earthChapter 14, the Lamb on Mt. Zion, angels reap

Ask the class what they know about the book of Revelation. Ask if they remember from chapters 1-5. (There are a couple helpful summaries on Wikipedia: this one is in outline form, and this one goes chapter by chapter). Talk about how the book of Revelation is filled with symbolic imagery. Tell the class that in chapter 5 there is a scroll sealed with seven seals and only the “Lion of the tribe of Judah” can open the seals. The Lamb takes the scroll and begins to open the seals.

Explain that to learn about what happens next, we’ll be creating a graphic novel adaptation of the next few chapters. Discuss the format of a graphic novel: illustrations tell the story, dialogue bubbles, a few captions to help explain the narrative.

Assign each class member a chapter to read and illustrate. They can work in groups. If there are less than nine people to illustrate, assign the first chapters and anyone who finishes early can work on the later chapters. Chapter 10 is the shortest, if there are any reluctant illustrators. Explain that most of the class period will be spent working on illustrating the chapters, and the last 15-20 minutes of class will be spent sharing what we create.

Going in chapter order, have each student/group show their work to the class. As students share, ask if they have any guesses about what any of the symbols mean. Some points about symbols you might discuss:

Talk about biblical numerology and that numbers in the bible are often associated with meanings beyond their numerical value.Some symbols can be confusing, but it’s okay if we don’t know what all of them mean. There are lots of laundry symbols, and I can’t remember what all of them mean, but I can still do laundry and most of the time my clothes come out okay. When I have something special that needs to be washed, then I will take the time to learn how to take care of it. The same goes with spiritual things: if you need more knowledge, you can seek for it.The meaning of a symbol can change depending on the context. If you see a triangle on a fabric tag, that means you can use bleach. If you see a triangle on a map, it might mean a mountain.

When a little child draws a picture, I don’t always understand what it is that they drew. When they tell me what it represents, the picture suddenly makes sense and I can see what they were trying to communicate. With the book of Revelation, we can’t ask John what he meant. We can get ideas from others who have studied the book, and we can also ask God to help us understand. Joseph Smith asked God questions about the book of Revelation and that gave us Section 77 of the Doctrine and Covenants, but there are lots more questions that could be asked. Part of what makes life exciting is that we don’t have all the answers and we don’t understand everything yet. God has given you the capacity to learn what is necessary for you to learn.

Picturing Women in the Nativity

My mother-in-law has a beautiful nativity set that looks like it’s made of ivory. The off-white figures have realistic body proportions and they look expensive. The set is actually made of plastic. She lets toddlers play with it. I wanted a similar nativity for my children to play with: both beautiful and durable. I looked for a couple of years, but never found anything appropriate for kids other than the Fisher-Price Little People set, and that just didn’t check my “beautiful” box.

I turned to Pinterest and made my own nativity from little wooden figurines. It had all the standard figures: Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus, of course. A shepherd and his boy. Three wise men. A donkey, a camel, some sheep. I made the angel female so Mary wouldn’t be the only girl for my girls to play with. The angel that appeared to the shepherds wasn’t gendered, although the angel Gabriel (who appeared to Zacharias and Mary in Luke 1) is male.

The last few years I’ve absorbed more ideas about the nativity:

Linguistically, ‘shepherds’ can include ‘shepherdesses’, and ‘wise men’ can include ‘wise women’. There wasn’t an innkeeper that turns the couple away, Luke just says “there was no room for them in the inn”. It could just as well been a woman that lead them to the stable as a suitable (if humble) place to give birth. Brian Kershisnik’s Nativity painting opened my eyes to the idea that midwives could have attended the birth.

I didn’t save the references to all those ideas, but they’ve stuck in my mind.

At some point we were given a flannel board nativity. The felt pieces had to be carefully cut out. There were more pieces than usual: the wise men’s gifts were separate pieces, and there were chickens and chicks for the stable. There were doves. My four-year-old asked me why there were doves. I had to think for a moment before telling her about how Mary and Joseph took Jesus to the temple to offer doves for a sacrifice. I told her about Simeon being promised he would see Christ before he died, and Anna who was a very old prophetess. My four-year-old, who had recently learned that people’s bodies shrink when they get old, made up this song and sang it for a solid half an hour:

(to the tune of Once There Was a Snowman)Annie was a prophetess, prophetess, prophetess,Annie was a prophetess: tall, tall, tall!When she gotted older, older, older:When she gotted older: small, small, small.

I suppose “became” instead of “gotted” would standardize her adorably immature English. I have come to recognize that the sense of this song is a metaphor for how we currently treat her story in the nativity. Anna was acknowledged in New Testament times as a sage prophetess. As the story’s gotten older, her part in the telling has shrunk. I don’t know why we prioritize the wise men part of the nativity when it happened so much later after Jesus’ birth.

My seven-year-old found some beads that she decided would be the perfect size for adding some lambs to our nativity. She kept track of those beads for months and told me repeatedly what she wanted. When I finally got around to it, I decided to make some new human figures too. I added Anna, Simeon, a woman carrying a pot, a woman carrying blankets, a woman I intended to be a midwife (but she ended up looking young, so maybe she’s the midwife’s apprentice or the shepherd’s teenage daughter and one of the other women is the midwife), a female shepherd, two girls, and three lambs.

As I was finishing the new pieces, my daughter requested figures for Mary and Martha also. I suggested maybe the woman with the pot could be Martha and she could pretend that one of the other women is Mary. As she’s played, my daughter has also turned these figures into Mary’s mother (Jesus’ grandma) and Elizabeth. Simply having unnamed female figurines has allowed her to play with scripture stories in new ways.

I like how my expanded nativity set makes women’s presence visible. I love that a wide range of women’s ages are represented. It makes my heart full to see a balanced gender representation. My daughter is learning the song “Picture a Christmas” in Primary this year. I wrote two more verses that add women into the picture. I wish I had grown up learning songs about female prophets from the scriptures. The first verse below is all from my imagination, but the second one is supported by the account in Luke every bit as much as the verses currently in the Children’s Songbook.

Picture a calm and caring midwife,Picture a warm, nutritious meal,And women spreada straw-filled bedfor time and space to heal. Picture Simeon and Anna,Picture the temple and the dovesAnd with great cheer the ancient seersproclaim God’s saving love.

“Adding Another Floor”: On the Passing of Justice Sandra Day O’Connor

This morning, I received a news alert that Sandra Day O’Connor, the first woman to serve on the United States Supreme Court, died today at age 93 from complications of dementia. Justice O’Connor was considered the most powerful woman in America for many years of her service on the bench. Serendipitously, yesterday I read an Exponent II editorial by Sue Paxman (now Booth-Forbes) from 1994 when Justice O’Connor gave the commencement address at BYU’s graduation. She advised the graduates that as they structure their lives and relationships, they look at building the structures to make certain that the women among them achieve their potential and make their contributions. This wise counsel is still needed, so I share the editorial here. If you have reflections on Justice O’Connor, please leave them in the comments.

***

“Adding Another Floor”

By Sue Paxman

This past August brought my family the joyful chance to watch our daughter graduate from BYU. And a great time was had by all. There’s nothing quite like spending a brilliantly lit, blue-skied day next to those mountains—taking pictures of loved ones smiling with pride—to lift your heart and help you believe in the future. Holding her BYU degree in front of her, she stood in the center of those pictures, her face shining with relief, gratitude, pride, and expectation.

An unexpected highlight to our week of graduation celebration was Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor’s commencement address. She began by recalling her own graduation from Stanford Law School in 1952 and the reality that the only job offer she received from the private sector was as a legal secretary. She went on to say that in that same year Adlai Stevenson gave the commencement address at Smith College where he encouraged the graduates to be proud of their accomplishments and to use the education that they had just completed to influence their husbands and sons to influence the world, Justice O’Connor finished her story by saying, “Isn’t it wonderful that that address will never again be given in the United States? Today, young women are expected to have, and do have, a direct influence on public affairs. There are more women in public office, in state and national legislative positions, than ever before and there are more women candidates for public office at all levels of government than ever before in our history.”

Continuing with this theme and speaking from her own experience, O’Connor told the 2,428 graduates, 1,137 of whom were women that it is now possible to choose from a wide variety of paths.

“As students today, your challenges will come not so much in breaking new paths as your mothers, grandmothers, and I have done but in deciding which of the many paths now open you should choose from. As far as I’m concerned, it is worth every bit of the extra effort I put into it to have a family as well as a career. . . . As for women today, the tide is running in your favor; the wind is at your back.”

She then went on to discuss some of the adjustments that we as a society must make in order for women to reach their potential, to make the best use of their talents, to contribute to the larger good. To clarify her point, she told a story about a university in the Boston area that decided to expand its science building by adding a third floor. During construction, an engineer from his office in the building next door observed that if the addition continued as planned it would crush the bottom two floors. The building as designed could not bear the extra weight. Upon the engineer’s suggestion, the architects reworked their plans. The third floor was extended out beyond the rest of the building by five feet on all four sides, and pillars were placed under the overhang to provide the extra support that was needed. As Justice O’Connor pointed out, although the building didn’t look like the original design had indicated it would, it was a strong, sound structure, and as an added bonus, it provided more space than was originally intended.

So too, she advised, should we look to the way we structure our lives and the relationships in which we engage, and she admonished the graduates to look at how they can change those structures to make certain that the women among them achieve their potential and make their contribution. As she made clear in her concluding remarks, our society and our economy need the best from all of us. Rethinking and redesigning the structures that we build to help us get our work done, relate to each other, and be of service is worth all our best efforts.

Justice O’Connor wished the graduates well as they looked forward to expanding the structure of their families and asked them to remember that with the proper support any structure, no matter how unique the design, will stand and accomplish even, perhaps, expand its original purpose.

The several young women graduates that I talked to afterward were thrilled. One of the most influential role models for women in this country had just given them wonderful new insights on how to approach the days ahead. With joy, they felt they could look to the challenges of the future confident that they would find the resources and support to meet those challenges.

In this issue, you will find several articles written by and for single Mormon women. Our hope is that the voices speaking here offer the kinds of insight and support that will help us create the new kinds of family and relationship structures that Justice O’Connor described as possible. We belong to a church and a culture that places high value on families and the love and support that family units give to individual souls. Let’s listen to the voices in this issue and work together to be certain that they are not only heard but that they are part of what we consider and value as we build the families of our future.

***

Feature image of Justice Sandra Day O’Connor © Toshi Kazama

Mixed-Faith Marriages: Call for Submissions

I believe every married couple is in a mixed-faith marriage, regardless of whether they attend church together or not. My husband and I have been married 21 years this month, and I figured this out right after our temple wedding. Growing up, stake conference had always been the week my family arrived extra early to get the best seats up front, but my new husband told me his family had considered it a free day to sleep in and skip church. No matter how closely your beliefs may align at various times of your life, there will always be significant differences between you and your spouse. Part of managing any long-term relationship is learning to appreciate the varying perspectives that your partner brings to the table and using them together to create a more diverse and well-balanced relationship and family.

As our church grows and changes, more and more married couples are finding themselves in what is commonly called a “mixed faith marriage,” where one spouse believes and the other doesn’t. While this brings new challenges to any relationship, it doesn’t have to mean the end of it, or even a lessening of quality. Many couples have experienced the faith transition of one partner and used the experience to become even closer and more committed to each other than before.

We want to hear from you – both those of you who are in mixed-faith marriages and have experience and perspective to share with those who are new to it, as well as mental health professionals, therapists and coaches who can give professional advice to our readers.

After years of occupying this space myself, these are some common questions and concerns I’ve heard from those who are experiencing a mixed-faith marriage:

-How should you tell your spouse about your change in belief? How should a believing spouse respond to a disclosure like this?

-Advice and tips for dealing with in-laws and extended family in a mixed-faith environment.

-Parenting when both spouses would prefer different things be taught to their children. 

-How to support your believing spouse in their church activity.

-How to adjust to your non-believing spouse no longer attending church with you.

-Sex and intimacy after a change in faith.

-How to discuss difficult topics (such as church history or frustration with church leaders) with your spouse in a way that won’t lead to arguments or hurt feelings.

-What topics should you keep to yourself, and what should you share with your partner?

-How to talk to ward members and leaders about your spouse who longer attends with you.

-How to respectfully minister to a mixed-faith family in your ward.

-What should you do with a marriage that was primarily based on a mutual belief in the church when one of you no longer believes? (Is every marriage worth saving, and how do you make that difficult decision?)

-Dealing with payment of tithing after a faith transition.

-Word of Wisdom shifts in a mixed faith marriage—how to approach trying coffee or alcohol for the first time as a non-believer, and how to deal with a spouse choosing to try these things when you are a believer.

-Religious holidays and religious events (baptisms, ordinations, blessings, the primary program, etc)

-Dealing with a spouse who resigns their church membership, or being the spouse who wants to resign.

-Navigating changes in your gender role as a non-believing wife (for example, choosing to go back to school or work after a change in faith).

-How to keep from turning your spouse into a villain in your mind.

 

These are just some of the ideas we would love to cover in this series, but there are many more you can write about. Contact Abby at exponentabby@gmail.com with questions or with your guest submission for the blog by the end of December 2023. At Exponent, we strive to amplify marginalized voices and honor all spiritual journeys, and we’d love to hear from readers on both the believing and unbelieving sides of a mixed-faith marriage. Thank you!

 

 

 

Our 2023 Pushcart Prize Nominees!

We are so proud of the voices we publish in the Exponent II magazine. Each year, small presses and magazines are invited to nominate six pieces from the calendar year that demonstrate top literary merit for the Pushcart Prize. While this is never an easy decision given the many incredible pieces we publish, we are thrilled to nominate two poems and four essays spanning our Winter 2023 through Fall 2023 issues:

“Reluctant, Radiant” poem by Heidi Naylor in Spring 2023“The Place that Does Not Exist” essay by Allison Pingree in Spring 2023“Cantus Firmus” by Sarah Perkins in Summer 2023“Moonlight Catfish” essay by Melodie Jackson in Fall 2023 (link forthcoming)“The Trench Coat of Multiple Colors” essay by Allison Hong Merrill in Fall 2023 (link forthcoming)“Wrestle” poem by Janessa Ransom in Fall 2023 (link forthcoming)

Congratulations to these writers!

Women On the Stand

Some of you may have seen Peggy Fletcher Stack’s article in the Salt Lake Tribune that per guidance of the North America West Area Presidency, via the instruction of Area Seventies and Stake Presidencies, local Relief Society and other women leaders have been abruptly asked to no longer sit on the stand during sacrament meeting in wards where they had been. In response, I’ve written a letter to the area presidency, which I’m sharing below (although I’ve not blogged here at the Exponent for a long time). The mandate disappoints me. I hope that the reporting and response from people can open a conversation about more inclusivity and elevating, rather than diminishing, the role of women within the church. Amy Jensen, who is quoted in the article, is collecting letters to send to the Area President. If you would like to send a letter expressing your feelings on this matter, please send it to womenonthestand@gmail.com

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To the North America West Area Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints—Elder Bragg, Elder Sabin, and Elder Ojediran; and to all Area Seventies, General Authorities, and church leaders otherwise invested,

In general conference, the sea of suits is striking. They are usually black and blue. Sometimes they are fitted and sometimes they are baggy. They are worn by generally well-meaning men who are trying to honor the priesthood. You may look at this sea with reverence and respect, which I do to a certain extent, but have you ever considered what it feels like for a woman to not see herself amongst the suits and leadership of the church? However, when the cameras pan the conference center, you occasionally do see a spark of color coming from the women leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Their presence on the stand is meaningful to the women who are also looking to follow Christ and lead in the capacities they are given. My question to you is this: Why can we not have a visual representation of the women leaders on the stand in our weekly Sacrament meeting as well? Or better said, why was it taken away?

As a Bay Area native, I have witnessed women sitting on the stand alongside the bishopric and speakers for years in a number of wards and stakes that I’ve been in or visited—to the extent I don’t remember the first time I saw one nor really thought about it being different. To me, it was a beautiful reminder of the role these women played in ministering to others.  They were not claiming any authority beyond their callings, nor boasting of their presence, but rather humbling serving their wards. From what I have observed, the practice became wider spread as independent bishops and wards thought about how they could better serve their members. And having women sit on the stand was meaningful to the individuals and to the ward. Maybe it should have been talked about more so it wasn’t seen as an anomaly to the broader church.

When you saw or heard of the practice, why did you rush to stomp it out as one of the first things you did as a new area presidency? What was the problem with their presence? How could you not see women sitting on the stand honoring their leadership positions as beautiful or inclusive? That it gave these women a “bird’s eye view of their congregations.” That the women were still sustaining and supporting the bishopric members and priesthood. Instead of saying this needs to stop, why did you not take it up to Salt Lake, and say hey look, a bunch of wards and stakes are trying to include women in services in different ways, and maybe we should consider suggesting it as an option for the church as a whole?

And why, when you decided to issue the mandate, why did you do so without explanation, offering it only as a directive—leaving it to Peggy Fletcher Stack of the Salt Lake Tribune to try to flush out a response from a church spokesman about aligning to the general pattern of worship?

I don’t expect you to answer my questions. But I want you to recognize the anger, sadness, and disappointment that this change and its implementation has caused even if the women have heeded the instructions. That women have felt diminished as a consequence of the mandate.

And I would like to humbly ask you rather than diminish the role of women within the church, what can you do to elevate them within the structure of the church? And how can you communicate with women directly so they are not blindsided when changes are made?

I would love to see a conversation open up about inclusion as a product of this unfortunate change even if sitting on the stand during Sacrament meeting is still deemed not appropriate (although I would like you to reconsider that). The women of the New Testament were important converts and leaders of the early church as I believe women in our church should be—but unfortunately they are under-appreciated and under-utilized in building the kingdom of God.

With all respect and faith,

Sariah Anne Lanier Kell, Berkeley 1st Ward, Oakland California Stake

(but known here on the Exponent blog as Kelly Ann )