Exponent II's Blog, page 267

Guest Post: Projects

[image error]by Kaylee

I’m in the season of life where I can’t seem to finish anything.

I’m in the middle of reading three books, two very short, yet they sit unfinished.

I have yarn projects my fingers ache to work on, and a pattern to perfect and publish.

I have beads purchased to make a necklace to honor a woman I met once.

I have a research project, and books I want to write, and a handful of half finished poems.

(I can’t give birth to all my creations at the same time, but I’m trying to anyway.)

I’ve been doing my best to ignore my rather-long-and-still-growing list of house projects.

Project: Try A Triathlon had to be put on hold yesterday so that I would have energy in the evening for Project: Keep My Job.

Writing these words is a luxury in stolen time, while my baby fusses in her highchair.

Last night she woke up early, before I went to bed.

Unlike usual, she didn’t nurse back to sleep.

Usually I would be reading my scriptures right then.

Part of me felt like I “should” be reading my scriptures right then.

I could not.

How could I have possibly ignored my baby’s cries?

I relished the weight of her body on my shoulder. Her soft skin, soft scent, soft pats on my neck.

This is the time I have to seek God, but I’m too busy.

I’m too busy comforting the weary and feeding her with my own flesh and blood.

I am so hungry.

This is the time I have to seek God, so I did. I saw Her projected in my own actions. Or was it Jesus?

I am so hungry.

In our ordinances, we worship a male god who symbolically gives birth, who lactates. I don’t understand why this doesn’t seem to help us provide loving places for everyone on the gender spectrum. I ache to know more.

The men at church frequently tell me to read my scriptures every day. (I really do try.) It has occurred to me though, that the point is not to read. The point is to seek God. Reading scripture is just one way to seek. And I am so hungry.

I relish the days I can go to second church: playing in the woods with my kids, pouring Mother Nature into our bodies and curiosity into our minds. It’s hard to find Her at first church. I am so hungry.

With the nursing and the exercise, my grocery bill has increased dramatically. It’s so hard to keep myself fed. I’m always hungry.

For a moment, in bed nursing my daughter and snuggling her to sleep, I felt that my actions were at one with what God would do. I would have supposed such an impression to feel immensely satisfying. But no. I went to sleep hungry, and now I am ravenous to see God projected in my actions again. Often. That feels like a really big project.

 

Kaylee only wears sensible shoes (if she has to wear shoes at all) and is passionate about pants with functional pockets (even her Sunday slacks). She has degrees in physics and electrical engineering, but has spent the last few years as a rather alarmingly domesticated mostly-stay-at-home mom.

Guest Post: I was sexually harassed while working at LDS Family Services #MormonMeToo

[image error]by Marisa McPeck-Stringham

I worked at LDS Family Services in Ogden, Utah from 2007-2013 as an Adoption/Birth Parent caseworker. I first started there as a practicum student while earning my Bachelor’s degree at Weber State University in Social Work. I was hired two months after I graduated, and became licensed, because of the great work I did as an intern. I loved the work I did there and the clients I worked with.

In 2009 I was called into my Adoption supervisor’s office. I believe that he is a good man, but also a man who bought into the patriarchal modesty standards of the church. He let me know that a secretary (or a couple secretaries, I was never sure which) complained that when I folded my arms my cleavage would show. At the time I was an endowed member who wore her garments in the correct way. I also have a larger chest, which is nature-given, by the way.

I was shocked that this was being brought up. He told me that the secretary(ies?) were concerned about my modesty. I assured him that I was wearing my garments in the correct way and as long as I’m wearing garments then I am being modest, and professional in my dress and appearance. I was befuddled and confused that fellow women would care so much about my cleavage, and if they were that worried about it, that they didn’t speak to me directly. Bringing my supervisor into the conversation felt like I was being disciplined.

He then went on to tell me that even though we don’t work with them, a lot of men come to our agency for counseling for sexual issues. He said if one of those men caught sight of my shapely body or cleavage, were sexually stimulated, and then went and raped someone it would be my fault. He assured me that he knew I wouldn’t want that to happen.

I was stunned that a man who was licensed in marriage and family therapy actually believed that my body could entice another person to rape someone. I was so stunned I didn’t know how to respond.

Later the next week we were discussing in staff meeting an inappropriate comment the agency director made toward one of my fellow caseworkers. She had gone to Human Resources about it and it became “a thing.” I was so angry on her behalf and mentioned how inappropriate it is for anyone to talk about other people’s bodies in the workplace. I made mention that if anyone talked about my body or my breasts again I would go directly to Human Resources and talk to an attorney (who is my sister, but she’s still pretty amazing and qualified).

No one ever brought up my body, what I was wearing, or my breasts again and I continued to work there for another four years.

Now almost a decade later I regret not going to Human Resources about this incident. It was completely inappropriate to be talking about my breasts in the workplace, but the secretaries felt entitled to because we often discuss womens’s bodies in the church and how they do and do not measure up to our standards of modesty. It was inappropriate for those concerns to be brought to someone in charge of my employment and not to me directly. And it was completely morally and professionally unethical for my supervisor to say that my body or breasts could cause someone else to violate another person.

Discussing my breasts and saying that I would be responsible for rape because of them is sexual harassment. It happened to me while I was an employee of the church by other employees of the church. This is my #MormonMeToo moment.

Marisa blogs at https://theirondaisywrites.wordpress....

Guest Post: Dear Survivor of Sexual Assault

[image error]Dear Survivor of Sexual Assault,

I have had the privilege of being a sexual assault prosecutor for 28 years and have handled thousands of cases. I have learned much about both the fragility and the resiliency of the human spirit, which sometimes coexist in an uneasy and unexpected alliance. Here are some things I have learned along the way and I share them with you in hopes of helping you in your journey to recovery.

The impact is not what you imagined it would be.

People who have not been a victim of a sexual assault have a picture in their heads of how they would respond if it happened to them. That picture is almost never correct.

Most people think things such as “I would fight.” “I would run.” “I would call 9-1-1.” The truth is that victims almost never do any of those things.

The first thing you must acknowledge is that trauma has a powerful affect upon both behavior and memory. You may not and often cannot behave in a planned, logical and rational way because of the phenomenon of trauma. One common reaction is “tonic immobility,” which means that the trauma causes verbal and/or physical immobility. Stop beating yourself up for the way you reacted or didn’t react and the way your life is affected. Accept the fact that you have been affected by sexual assault you as you would the impact of a serious car accident, because the impact upon you may be just as powerful. Then look to the future and focus on healing.

Not everyone is going to believe you. And that’s OK.

Some people may not believe you for various reasons. Some are aligned with the perpetrator. Some hold false extreme views that women make up stories about being sexually assaulted. But I believe that many people who are doubters doubt out of self-preservation. They simply do not want to believe that sexual assaults happen in their family, or their neighborhood, or their church group, because such an acknowledgement would make them feel unsafe and vulnerable. They try to find a way to explain away your assault consistent with their world view to make themselves and their family members feel safe. They feel safer in believing that sexual assaults do not happen, even though that belief is a myth.

You must accept the fact that there will be naysayers. Do not let this affect you. Ignore them. Avoid them. Don’t listen to them. The best approach to deal with doubters is to stay focused on the truth of your report, and stay firm in seeking justice and in finding the help that you need. The naysaying often fades away and can become less and less hurtful and impactful as time goes by. They and their alternate reality they have created will likely fade into oblivion as you heal and become stronger.

Confide in someone you trust.

You may underestimate the power of social support at this critical time in your life. Do not make that mistake. You need support from people who love you. Choose someone you trust, and not just mildly: choose someone you would trust with your life. Confide in that person. Let them know how this is affecting your life. Ask for their help and support.

I often tell victims that the road to becoming a survivor may be a long and winding one. There will be twists and turns. There will be potholes. There may be times when you are broken down on the side of the road. The key is to just keep going. Take this journey one step at a time. Get through the next step and then the next step and each step after that. And have people you love and trust traveling with you on what may be the most difficult road trip of your life.

Seek counseling.

Most people think that they shouldn’t need a counsellor or therapist – that they should just “tough it out” on their own. Give therapy a try, even if it is just for a few sessions. Most states have programs that will pay for counselling for victims once a crime has been reported. Use that service if you need financial help. You may be pleasantly surprised at how much you benefit from counseling. There are compassionate people who know much about the exact road you are traveling, and they know the potholes, the twists and turns. Please keep in mind that different people need these services at different times. You may be doing just fine for a while and then need help. Be bold and proactive about seeking help whenever you need it.

Report what happened to you to the appropriate authority.

It is your choice whether to report your assault. Please know, however, that when it comes to the criminal justice system, the sooner a crime is reported, the better the case will be. Evidence like DNA profiles and documentation of injuries need to be gathered right away or will be lost forever. Other evidence is also often fleeting, such as evidence left at the scene of the crime. It is often critical to interview witnesses right away. Also, the sooner a crime is reported, the sooner you will have access to help and support that you otherwise would not have, such as victim advocate services that will help you through the process.

You can choose to get a medical exam and it is confidential unless you decide it should be disclosed to the police. It is your choice whether to have a medical exam, but remember that critical time-sensitive evidence may be lost forever if you choose not to have an exam soon after the assault. If you have not decided to report to the police and begin the criminal case process, you could have the medical exam done so that evidence is preserved if you do decide to go forward at some time in the future. And the primary reason to have a medical exam is so that you can get medical treatment for the assault.

Do not assume that if you report your assault to a religious leader, school authority or therapist, that is all that needs to be done. The criminal justice system is separate and on its own. Criminal justice professionals such as police, prosecutors, and advocates have training and experience in these cases that other authorities do not have. A pastor may be well intentioned, but is probably not trained specifically about sexual assault trauma and how to recover. Choose to work with professionals that are highly trained and experienced in working with sexual assault victims.

Commit to the long haul.

I am not going to sugar coat it: participating in the criminal justice process can be a difficult and frustrating experience. If you report your assault, an investigation will be done and charges may or may not be filed. If charges are filed, the case may take many months or even years to come to an end. The criminal case may seem to be focused on the defendant. Do not be surprised by this. Do not be discouraged by this. Do not be offended by this. The Constitution gives criminal defendants many rights which must be protected by prosecutors and judges. The defendant has a lawyer, often paid for by the state, and you may not. This is because if they cannot afford to hire a lawyer, they can only be prosecuted if they have a lawyer provided to them.

In the criminal justice system, speak up for yourself. Ask questions. Give input. Be an active participant in your case. The police and prosecutors involved will welcome your active participation. But please remember that the criminal case is brought by the government, and decisions may be made that you do not agree with. A good and compassionate prosecutor will always seek your input on important matters such as resolving the case. But please know that a prosecutor is required to make decisions for the case.

It may surprise you to know that most states have laws and even some state constitutional provisions that provide rights for crime victims. Seek out information on your rights as a crime victim. Criminal justice professionals are required to respect your rights. And always remember that you have a right to speak to the judge at different points in the case. Take advantage of your right to give input in court, and speak whenever you have the opportunity. Your input may make a difference in the outcome of the case.

Your healing does not depend on the outcome of the criminal case.

Think of the criminal justice case as separate and apart from your healing process. It may not provide all the answers, and it will not fix everything in your life. Be confident in moving forward, regardless of what happens in the criminal case.

Your participation in the criminal justice system will give you some comfort in that you will know that you have done everything you could do to seek justice. If the result is exactly what you hoped, great. If the result is not what you wanted, then you can still move forward with your life knowing that you did what you could according to your ability at the time.

I once had a case with Nellie, an 87-year-old woman who was a rape victim. She came to meet with me in my office and I was terrified that the criminal case would be hard on her, and cause her further damage. She came in to meet with me with a sense of humility and even humor about her situation. In the meeting, she was the person who comforted me. She leaned across my desk, took my hand and said “Do you see this body? It’s not me. It is like a piece of furniture that I move around my house every day. Don’t worry. He didn’t hurt me. He just hurt the furniture. I am going to be fine.” And she was fine. She had found a way to separate the sexual assault from herself and move on with the life that she had left.

When you are ready, find a distance between yourself and the assault. Do not let it define you. Seek out positive experiences and relationships in your life. You deserve a happy and full life.

Donna Kelly

Sexual Assault Prosecutor

Guest Post: The Power of the Priesthood as a Male/Female Composite

[image error]by Mathy

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the way that the priesthood is administered in the Church and some of the issues that have arisen lately that challenge the policies and procedures that have become the norm in the way things are administered. It seems to me that moving forward it would be helpful to acknowledge that the Priesthood as defined by the LDS faith is not a power that belongs to men, but it is the power of Deity that belongs to a male/female pairing.

Elder Erastus Snow (Quorum of the Twelve, February 12, 1849–May 27, 1888) said:

“What,” says one, “do you mean we should understand that Deity consists of man and woman?” Most certainly I do. If I believe anything that God has ever said about himself . . . I must believe that deity consists of man and woman. . . . There can be no God except he is composed of the man and woman united, and there is not in all the eternities that exist, or ever will be a God in any other way. We may never hope to attain unto the eternal power and the Godhead upon any other principle . . . this Godhead composing two parts, male and female.”

Further support for this outlook is found in the Temple, wherein the highest sacrament of the priesthood is ordained upon a male/female pair. Additionally, to serve in high offices in the Church, one must be a married high priest. This implies that when a bishop, for example, is called, it is not the man that is being called, but a husband and wife pairing to serve the ward. Clarification of this policy might help with many strained situations we find ourselves in. If we acknowledge that the Bishop’s wife also hold the authority of the Bishop, she could be present for interviews and meetings and help shoulder the burden of the responsibility. This would not even require a doctrinal change on the part of the Church as the policy and doctrine is already in place. Only a clarification and expansion of what already exists.

Expanding on this idea, there is also evidence to support that a male/female Priesthood pairing does not necessarily have to be a husband/wife pair. Moses’s female counterpart, for example, was his sister. And in another Old Testament example (that never gets it’s just discussion in our Sunday School classes) the pair is the prophetess Deborah and the war leader Barak. One of my favorite parts of this example is that Deborah specifically tells Barak that by working in conjunction with her, he will not receive the honor of the impending victory. And Barak, in true feminist fashion, says, “If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go.”

It seems evident to me that women in the Church are already a part of what we call “the priesthood”. As Sheri Dew put it (and I paraphrase here) “The question isn’t why don’t women have the priesthood. The question is why do men have to be ordained to the priesthood and women don’t?” Or as Dallin Oaks put it “We are not accustomed to speaking of women having the authority of the priesthood in their Church callings, but what other authority can it be? When a woman—young or old—is set apart to preach the gospel as a full-time missionary, she is given priesthood authority to perform a priesthood function. The same is true when a woman is set apart to function as an officer or teacher in a Church organization under the direction of one who holds the keys of the priesthood. Whoever functions in an office or calling received from one who holds priesthood keys exercises priesthood authority in performing her or his assigned duties.” 2014 Or as Joseph Fielding Smith said: “While the sisters have not been given the Priesthood, it has not been conferred upon them, that does not mean that the Lord has not given unto them authority. … A person may have authority given to him, or a sister to her, to do certain things in the Church that are binding and absolutely necessary for our salvation, such as the work that our sisters do in the House of the Lord. They have authority given unto them to do some great and wonderful things, sacred unto the Lord, and binding just as thoroughly as are the blessings that are given by the men who hold the Priesthood.”

I want to explore the point that while men are ordained to the Priesthood, women hold the Priesthood without ordination for a moment without much doctrine to back my next few ideas. Bear with me. There is a term “mental load” which describes the undo stress of managing a relationship that women take on (for a great comedic explanation of this see here. I have felt this in my own relationship at times. What if we shifted our focus on the male ordination to the Priesthood as, not a specific duty to lead (as we know that this takes both a man and a woman) but a specific request to step it up. The Doctrine and Covenants has specific warnings about men being susceptible to unrighteous dominion, and states that, “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness, and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile…” Doctrine and Covenants 121: 41-42. What if our view of what male priesthood ordination meant from being “in charge” to being called to be more present in one’s relationships?

In my view it would do a great deal of good to emphasize that the Priesthood is a power that men AND women have access to in the Church, and are at their most effective when in a male/female pairing. Emphasizing this wouldn’t even require any doctrinal or policy changes, and would fit in beautifully with what we’ve been told about the male/female relationship of Deity. As Susa Young Gates put it, ““the divine Mother, side by side with the divine Father, [has] the equal sharing of equal rights, privileges and responsibilities.”

Another of my favorite Old Testament stories (that also doesn’t get it’s due in Sunday School) is the story of Isaac and Rebekah. Rebekah was given a prophetic revelation while pregnant with her twin sons that the younger son would be the one who should receive the birthright. As both sons grew, it became obvious why this revelation had been given and yet when the time came, Isaac still stubbornly insisted that he was going to give the birthright to Esau. So Rebekah intervened. She deceived her husband into giving the birthright to her righteous son Jacob. And she was in the right. Isaac was the priesthood leader, but he was dead wrong in his judgments, and if he hadn’t had a righteous and tenacious woman equal in her ability to receive Heavenly guidance and carry out righteous judgments, the line of the Priesthood would have been lost.

It’s a good thing she was there.

Mathy is an early childhood educator, Mom, and lover of the Doctrine of the LDS faith. She is blown away by the idea that a Supreme Being would even make an attempt to communicate with short sighted and fallible mortal beings.

An Interview with Theologian and Bible Scholar Ellen F. Davis

When I entered my  PhD in religion program, it was a joy to read articles and books by women scholars grappling with sacred texts and finding ways to relate those texts to contemporary life. One of the most illuminating classes I took was on women in the book of Genesis. We carefully read every single word written about certain women using several translations and online Hebrew Bible tools, discussed the relationships and characterization of these women for hours, and in the end, I took away a real appreciation for how much we can glean from (often) very few verses.

Recently, LDS writer Kurt Manwaring interviewed Ellen F. Davis, Bible and Theology professor at Duke Divinity School. I love her tips for reading the Hebrew Bible and her comments on Ruth, one of my very favorite characters in the Bible. Below is an excerpt of that interview.

Kurt Manwaring: What would you say to encourage someone who wants to study the Old Testament but feels the language, length, and content daunting?

Ellen Davis: Don’t try to read the whole thing at one go!

For obvious reasons, one good place to start is Genesis.

Get one of the brilliant newer translations, such as those by Robert Alter (my teacher) or Everett Fox.

Take it slowly, a chapter at a time. Learning to read slowly is crucial. Don’t read for plot (you know it!); read for character, for relationships. Look for what surprises you when you slow down.

Moving on, you don’t have to read straight through the whole Old Testament/Hebrew Bible, and probably should not do so. If you want to start with a little book, my annotated translation of Ruth, with woodcuts by Margaret Adams Parker (Who Are You, My Daughter?) might be useful.

Kurt Manwaring: You have written about the ways in which suffering uniquely qualifies one to speak of God. Is there an Old Testament figure other than Job to whom you look as an example of coming to know God through suffering and trial? How have you applied the example of this person in your life

Ellen Davis: I have just mentioned Ruth. She herself embodies the three classic biblical categories of the vulnerable person; she is widow, sojourner, and orphan-by-choice, having left her birth family to accompany Naomi to a foreign land, a small rural town (Bethlehem) where a Moabite woman would be viewed with suspicion.

She is a model for me of someone who crosses borders for the sake of life — borders both literal and figurative, as she acts in unconventional and selfless ways to create a new community out of a situation of profound loss.

I don’t know that I have modeled myself after her, but I tell her story and have found that many people, especially my colleagues working in reconciliation work in East Africa, respond strongly to it.

Kurt Manwaring: Have you encountered anything in your academic career that has tried your faith? Should non-academics be afraid of history and theology when it comes to their religious beliefs?

Ellen Davis: No, I have not. On the contrary, an adult lifetime of study, including history and theology, has given substance to my faith.

History helps us to see how these texts have emerged from cultures and situations where we can recognize the basic challenges that the original hearers faced; it should also enable us to see how those cultures differed (greatly) from our own, so we often have to adjust our thinking to comprehend the Bible.

Theology is altogether a matter of learning to think in radically new ways, to see the wider dimensions of reality which we mostly overlook in the press of our daily business — until we suddenly discover our need to think in new ways, to reckon more fully with the “invisible” dimensions of our lives.

Being a professional theologian is an enormous privilege, simply because it challenges me to think daily about what is most essential for a truly human life.

Guest Post: Premortal Promise

[image error]by Elizabeth

The following guest post  is a kind of feminist midrash, a retelling of Biblical or religiously foundational stories in order to incorporate women’s viewpoints.  As theologian Elizabeth Schussler Fiorenza has written, using our poetry, our imagination, our vision to bring out women from the shadows of our sacred texts and origin stories can help lead us to a better future.

 

“Mother” I asked,” tell me again why I must leave you.”

“Oh, my heart,” She replied, “you do not yet see your beauty”

“When we created you,” added Father, “we created also worlds of beauty.

You will find them there.”

“I am sure I will long for you.” I whimpered.

Mother’s lip quivered in time with mine.

Father spoke quietly this time, “We are sure you will.”

“But you will come back to Us.” She added quickly.

The spark in Her eye shot at me with fierceness I had not yet experienced.

“Okay.” I told Them.

“Okay.” Tears rolled down my Parents’ cheeks.

“Okay.” I took Brother’s hand and He lead me away.

We laughed as He told me stories of the place I was going

He made it sound magical.

“Wait!” the call came when were nearing the end of our path

I turned toward the familiar voice and smiled again at Her warmth and grace.

She came close to me and for the second time I experienced fierce love

in Her gentle eyes

“It will not be easy to find me there. But do it. Find me, my heart.”

“Okay.”

I wasn’t exactly sure what I was promising, but I knew I meant it.

Elizabeth is a college student who loves her Heavenly Parents and enjoys dancing, laughing, reading, writing, and dreaming of ways to crush the patriarchy. She thanks Rachel Hunt Steenblik for inspiring her to write about Heavenly Mother. 

Guest Post: Built for Women #MormonMeToo

[image error]

Natalie Ware Gowen

There are three things I can’t do:

Cook in someone else’s kitchen.

Run to someone else’s playlist.

Navigate someone else’s church.

My mother-in-law is a gem, but she keeps the measuring spoons in the most obscure place. If mixing up a gooey batch of my famous brownies takes 15 minutes in my kitchen, it takes 20 in hers. All because it’s set for her, not me.

Before we shared music in the cloud, I’d occasionally borrow my husband’s MP3 player to take on a run. It was okay but I always ran slower to his music. He doesn’t listen to the songs that light a fire under my feet. His tunes are curated to his tastes, not mine.

The more I navigate my LDS faith, the more I feel like I’m cooking in someone else’s kitchen and running to someone else’s playlist. It doesn’t have anything to do with my personal devotion to God. And it’s not for lack of effort. Heaven knows I’ve tried to pray away the discomfort for years.

I’ve managed, but it’s awkward because the church is built for men and not for women.

It’s not built for women when our Individual Worth is tied to our ability to marry and bear children.

It’s not built for women when we miss out on spiritual nourishment during Sunday meetings as we disproportionally spend sacrament meeting in the hall with a kid who needs to nap and then spend the second and third hours serving in our callings.

It’s not built for women when mothers of sons are systematically removed from our children’s spiritual milestones starting at age 12.

It’s not built for women when we have to temper our leadership with sweetness or risk being written off as bossy and controlling.

It’s not built for women when every general church meeting, even the female-only ones, ends with the voice of a male priesthood leader.

It’s not built for women when a husband confesses to pornography use and a wife is counseled into silence.

It’s not built for women when the bishop holds the purse strings to the ward’s fast offerings and has free reign to give counsel that ends in shame and embarrassment for the sisters in need.

It’s not built for women when they are asked to sacrifice their physical and mental safety to preserve a temple marriage.

It’s not built for women when our dear sisters are hurting from abuse and crimes committed against them and are counseled about forgiveness.

It’s not built for women when men, some of whom are perpetrators of abuse, are the only ones with access to hotlines for help.

It’s not built for women when she is disbelieved and dismissed because her abuser is such a “nice guy.”

It’s not built for women when crimes go unreported, pleas for restitution unanswered, and dossiers about the victims are compiled by outside counsel.

What if our Divine Nature was unbound from the fruit of our wombs?

What if we all could gather together in greater numbers for our Sunday meetings?

What if we could stand in the circle of the spiritual milestones of our sons and our daughters?

What if we stopped valuing the reputation of men over the anguish of women?

What if we honored each sister for her individual talents and contributions, regardless of her marital or economic status?

What if we took strong action to protect women from the illegal actions of men in powerful positions?

What if the full potential of LDS women was released into the world?

What if we reshaped the church to work for women too?

What if the church was safe for women?

What if we had a say in making that change?

Like many of you, I’ve felt powerless over the past few weeks as the case involving Joseph Bishop has unfolded. I’ve watched in dismay as the institution circled the wagons to protect itself and sent warning shots signalling they would rather women not speak up.

But they can’t shoot us all.

We need to keep rallying together. We need to continue to share our stories. We need to have hard conversations with our family and friends that raise awareness. We need to talk openly about the deep institutional problems that make the church unsafe for women.

We need to talk about how the 2008 policy on abuse isn’t enough and neither are the recent updates.

If we persist, I believe things can change.

The source of this pain isn’t found within the gospel of Jesus Christ. The flaws are in the institution administering the gospel which was established by men for men.

Let’s remodel. Let’s turn the kitchen into a workspace designed to meet the needs of both genders. Let’s install high-quality speakers and create a his and hers playlist.

Let’s make the kingdom of God role forth in the later days to fill the earth with the light of the gospel that elevates men and women together.

Let’s change for the better.

Natalie runs on roads and trails. During the week she runs a digital marketing agency and on Sundays she runs the dog and pony show known as Singing Time.

Guest Post: Advocating for Victims in the LDS Church, Part 2 #MormonMeToo

by Ann

One of the first things we learn (and teach) as victim’s advocates is how to identify abuse. The Duluth Model (Pence, Paymar & Lucas, 1993) is well known for its power and control wheel.

According to this model, abusers use power and control to prevent victims from escaping or speaking out.

[image error]This model identifies eight factors that are common for abusers. While physical and sexual abuse are sometimes present, these other factors help to silence the victim and keep victim’s captive. But, the presence of even some of the factors should be a red-light in any relationship.

Abusers use the following tactics to silence and control victims:

1) Intimidation

2) Emotional abuse

3) Isolation

4) Minimizing, Denying and Blaming

5) Use children

6) Use male privilege

7) Use economic abuse

8) Use coercion and threats (Pence et al., 1993)

 

In this case, Joseph L. Bishop used sexual violence. Then, in an attempt to silence the victim, lawyers for the LDS church produced the 5-page dossier to intimidate the victim, minimize and deny the abuse, blame the victim, and use male privilege. The lawyers then became complicit with the abuse by sharing the dossier with the perpetrator. Prominent Criminologist Michael Salter, along with other researchers, have shown that attacking the credibility of a victim is not justified. In other words, it is VERY unlikely that people will lie about physical or sexual abuse.

Unfortunately, this response of victim-blaming is not unique to the LDS church, nor is it uncommon in our patriarchal social structure. For example,  Brock Turner only served 3 months for rape, and the rape was minimized to be seen as “20 minutes of action.”

Clearly, the approach of attacking the victim (by the lawyers representing the LDS church) was a terrible plan of action. In a world that is increasingly transparent, this approach will never look good for the church or for anyone who takes a similar approach.

On the opposite of the “Power and Control Wheel” is the “Equality Wheel.”  This shows how healthy relationships work. There characteristics of a healthy relationship include:[image error]

1)Negotiation and Fairness

2) Non-threatening behavior

3) Respect

4) Trust and Support

5) Honesty and Accountability

6) Responsible parenting

7) Shared Responsibility with a fair distribution of work that is mutually agreed upon

8) Economic Partnership (Pence et al., 1993).

As a researcher, an expert in violence against women, and as a former victim’s advocate, these are the changes I want to see happen:

1) Church leaders – from corporate church down to local wards and branches – need to adopt and use principles from the equality wheel rather than the abuse wheel.

2) Church leaders need to use financial and professional resources to help and protect victims and the vulnerable, not to protect and empower perpetrators, as happened in the Bishop case.

3) Church leaders need to believe and support victims. In a culture where male leaders often have friendships with male perpetrators, it might be difficult to believe your “buddy” is abusive. Believe it. Understand that confirmation bias might make you want to disbelieve the victim.

4) Church publications and teachings need to acknowledge that the “two-deep” leadership in primary, youth, and interviews is to protect possible victims, not to “prevent misunderstandings.” This minimizes and denies abuse, which is in itself abusive. It also places blame on victims for “misunderstanding” rather than on perpetrators for inappropriate and abuse behavior.

5) Just as church members are expected to use legal and professional help in dealing with victimization, church leadership (from the top, down to local leaders) should be expected to complete professional training to help victims and prevent revictimization.

For leaders in Utah, the Utah Domestic Violence Coalition has an excellent website with information and training available.
The New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence has put together top-notch online reading material to help faith leaders
There are several other links with useful information and help for faith leaders (LDS and all faith-based leaders) who minister to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. A few that are helpful include:

http://udvc.org/dv-events-news/domestic-violence-training-and-information-resources-now-available
http://www.wcsap.org/faith-community
http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/domestic-violence/when-i-call-for-help.cfm
http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/
http://www.interfaithpartners.org/

 

The Bishop’s hotline to protect the church is NOT the best way to protect victims. Both male and female leaders can – and should – learn about domestic violence so they can better help serve those in their flock who are victims.

The LDS church must never again be complicit in abuse scandals like this.

The LDS church can and should do better.

 

Reference:

Pence, E., Paymar, M., & Lucas, J. (1993). Education groups for men who batter: the Duluth model.

Changes in General Conference: some big, some small, some not at all

[image error]Is your head spinning from all of the changes and announcements made at General Conference last weekend? Elder Holland’s joke about how “some of us have weak hearts!” got a big roar of laughter from the crowd.

It’s nice to have the progress of the church running at full throttle again. May it be a sign of many more good things to come!

In case you missed it, here is a summary of things our readers may be interested to know:

President Nelson sustained as prophet. In the solemn assembly, Melchizedek Priesthood holders make their sustaining votes first, but Relief Society sisters get to vote before the Aaronic Priesthood holders this time! Young women are the last group to vote.
Two new apostles were called, Elder Gong and Elder Soares. This marks the first time a person of color (or two!) has been ordained to the Quorum of the Twelve apostles.
President Oscarson and her YW general presidency were released and Sister Bonnie Cordon was made the new president. She was serving as a counselor in the Primary General Presidency. (She was a working mom of 3! She has a cool bio!) (Bye, Sister Oscarson! Your Pinterest was awesome.)
High Priests groups are disbanded at the ward level and all Melchizedek Priesthood holders will meet together as one Elder’s Quorum.  (Like RS already does with women of all ages)  A new Elder’s quorum president will be called to lead the group of men as a whole.
The Home and Visiting teaching program has been retired. It’s been revamped and rebranded as “Ministering” with fewer reports, no official message,  and less stringent guidelines about what “counts”
Young women ages 14-18 will be able to serve as ministering sisters, like their male counterparts do as ministering brothers.
Each family will get a set of ministering brothers. Additionally, each woman will get a set of ministering sisters. ( So no changes there. Men get men only. Women get both.)
No more reporting your monthly numbers to a supervisor. The only statistic reported is how often the leaders meet with ministering companionships in interviews to discuss the needs of the members they serve.
Important improvement to the new ministering system: husbands and wives may be assigned to be companionships together, and may report to either Melchizedek Priesthood or Relief Society leaders.
Three (3!) sisters spoke across the 5 sessions. No women spoke during the Saturday morning or Priesthood sessions.  No women offered prayers.

I noticed improvements in the way women’s roles were referenced by the women speakers:

Sister Oscarson:  “As we consider the roles that our young women will be expected to assume in the near future, we might ask ourselves what kind of experiences we could provide for them now that will help with their preparation to be missionaries, gospel scholars, leaders in the Church auxiliaries, temple workers, wives, mothers, mentors, examples, and friends.”

and

Sister Bingham: “This opportunity to participate in building the kingdom of God will be a tremendous benefit to young women, helping them better prepare to fulfill their roles as leaders in the Church and the community and as contributing partners in their families.”

Sister Aburto: “Girls and boys, young women and young men, sisters and brothers, we are on this journey together.”  (plus she gets extra point for referring to “Heavenly Parents.”)

A great comment about teaching young men consent regarding young women’s bodies:

Brother Durrant (Ponderize!): “Dad looked me in the eyes and said, “You have strong hands, Son. I hope your hands always have the strength to never touch a young lady inappropriately.” He then invited me to stay morally clean and help others do the same.”

A confusing comment about consent with reference to the #metoo movement:

Elder Cook: “During my lifetime, worldly issues and concerns have moved from one extreme to another—from frivolous and trivial pursuits to serious immorality. It is commendable that nonconsensual immorality has been exposed and denounced. Such nonconsensual immorality is against the laws of God and of society. Those who understand God’s plan should also oppose consensual immorality, which is also a sin. The family proclamation to the world warns “that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring [or, for that matter, anyone else] … will one day stand accountable before God.”

Non-consensual immorality? You mean rape and sexual harassment? Perhaps difficult to speak plainly when Primary ears are listening.  To put it right next to “consensual immorality” and cite that as “also” a sin casts some confusion on who is at fault for “non-consensual immorality.”  I really appreciate that he’s trying to address sexual consent in this paragraph, but this one has me scratching my head.

A little bit of pedestalizing:

Elder Holland, describing a bumper sticker: “It read, “If I honk, you’ve been home taught.” Please, please, brethren (the sisters would never be guilty of that—I speak to the brethren of the Church), with these adjustments we want more care and concern, not less.”

Oh, come on. I may not have honked at my Visiting Teacher sister, but I’ve probably counted my facebook or instagram like as her visit for the month. As surely as there are some men who slack off in their activity-formerly-known-as-home-teaching, women have slacked off just the same. No need to make a joke at our expense or poke fun at the men.

We’re reminded not to equivocate Men = Priesthood:

President Oaks:  “We should always remember that men who hold the priesthood are not “the priesthood.” It is not appropriate to refer to “the priesthood and the women.” We should refer to “the holders of the priesthood and the women.”

But then we see an example of it in the form of this gender essentialist doozy:

President Nelson: “Effective ministering efforts are enabled by the innate gifts of the sisters and by the incomparable power of the priesthood.”

Since men are not specifically mentioned, there is a reading of this line that makes it sound like the sisters use the incomparable power of the priesthood, but I think he means for it to refer to the abilities the men bring to the ministering efforts.

Many conversations will yet happen about what the “innate” gifts of sisters are, and whether or not it is fair to ascribe every member of a gender that same gift. What about those of us to whom nurturing or ministering does not come easily, but by grit and determination? Does it make our hard work less important if everyone else can just do it naturally?  What about men who are not ordained? Do they not have innate gifts as well? Or do their gifts only kick in by virtue of their priesthood?   Gifts are individual, not something that can be broadly generalized across a wide demographic.

For those of us who do recognize and cherish our innate gifts, do they really only take 2nd place to the incomparable power of the priesthood found in ordained men?

Hint: to avoid making generalized gender essentialist remarks, remember this format:

Instead of : “All ___________ [sub-demographic of any population)] (Young Women, Women, Young Men, etc) ARE naturally/innately  more _________. (loving, patient, nurturing, hard-working, spiritual, etc.)

try this instead:

“(some)_______[Sub-demographic of population] CAN BE _______, or can develop the ability to ______.”

By large majority in the speakers at this conference, men almost exclusively quoted other men and scripture stories of men. Women quoted more women and used stories of women.

What stood out to you this conference? 

“The Mormon #metoo Moment” on Wheat & Tares

Angela Clayton, LDS blogger at Wheats & Tares, was recently interviewed by Doug Fabrizio of KUER on a panel that included Natasha Helfer Parker and Lindsey Hansen Park on the topic of “Authority, Abuse, and the LDS Church.” This is a link to a follow-up article filled with advice she would give the LDS Church given what has come to light in the #MormonMeToo moment.