Exponent II's Blog, page 25

Guest Post: Why LDS Women Should Wear Pants to Church

Guest Post by Rose

The LDS Church asks women to wear dresses to “promote a certain spirit of reverence.” Although some wards and branches throughout the world have relaxed dress standards for females, in many LDS wards, especially in the Mormon corridor, women are expected to wear attire that includes dresses or skirts that are garment-friendly, stylish, and modest. A look at LDS female leaders shows a consistently conservative pattern of dress.

I would suggest that LDS dress standards for women’s Sunday dress are sexist, ableist, elitist, and in some cases, racist, and should be eliminated. I also suggest that if more LDS women wore pants to Church, it would make the space safer for all women.

As someone who has experienced poverty, at times it has been cost-prohibitive to purchase the fine attire that is expected for LDS females. Not only are women expected to wear dresses or suits, but in many wards, the clothing is expected to be fashionable. In addition, women are expected to be fit, energetic, and uncomplaining, placing a heavy burden on women who are tasked with serving others in sometimes time-intensive church callings in addition to their work and family responsibilities.

Wearing dresses to church can be difficult for women who face challenges such as paralysis, injuries, chronic pain, and other difficulties. As someone who has suffered severe arthritis and multiple surgeries, it is exceedingly difficult to wear a dress to church. It would be much easier to wear a simple pair of comfortable pants, yet top LDS men have decided that I am not welcome in my ward looking like that, so I stay home.

Many women perform demanding service at Church on Sunday, including teaching young children, which involves a lot of physical activity and could be more easily and modestly performed if women wore pants. In addition, in some cold regions, pants would be much warmer and more protective for females.

The LDS Church is designed for white middle- and upper-class males, and it allows no input from women regarding the policies and procedures that it implements. The implicit rule that women wear dresses to Church is outdated and needs revision, yet the elderly LDS male hierarchy stands behind standards and practices that were enacted decades ago.

Ironically, the Book of Mormon warns about the very things that the current LDS Church promotes. It chastises those who love their fine apparel more than “the poor and the needy, the sick and the afflicted” (Mormon 8:36-37). Over and over again, it also condemns members who “are lifted up in the pride of your hearts, and wear stiff necks and high heads because of the costliness of your apparel, and persecute your brethren because ye suppose that ye are better than they” (Jacob 2:13).

Some say the prohibition of women wearing pants goes back to the Mosaic law, which said that “woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man…for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God (Deut. 22:5). That law also forced rape victims to marry their perpetrators and disallowed people from wearing mixed fabrics, so that law is questionable, to say the least.

Years ago, when I attended BYU, I was required to wear a dress or skirt, nylons, and nice shoes to class. In the frigid winter and on days when I walked over a mile to class, which was often uncomfortable and even difficult. After I graduated, the dress code was changed in the 1970s, and women were allowed to wear pants to school. I suspect that after I die, the LDS dress code for women will change, and they will be encouraged to attend church in their street clothes, as Jesus and his followers did. He and his disciples wore simple attire, and his strongest condemnations were of religious leaders who oppressed the poor, made a big show of their religious attire, and sat in the best seats at banquets and religious services (see Matthew 23).

The LDS dress code for women smacks of misogyny. It was written by men for men without consideration of the suffering, cost, discomfort, and exclusion that women experience when they are unable to purchase, wear, or dress themselves in clothing that top male leaders believe is appropriate. When Jesus described his wedding banquet, he invited all to attend, especially “the poor, the crippled, blind, and lame,” folks who could easily be excluded from the LDS top circles today because of their extreme poverty and their inability to meet cultural expectations. May all of us—and all Churches—open our hearts and chapels wider to include all earnest souls, especially those who suffer, in full fellowship.

Image produced by ChatGPT

Rose is an old woman who was required to wear dresses throughout her college years at BYU.

Some Things Never Change: Inclusivity and Teens and Mormon Culture

Dear Anna Moreno, 

Your Voices piece in the Salt Lake Tribune took me back to my own high school years. That was so long ago I can now literally say it was the turn of the century, but it doesn’t seem like this particular problem has changed much in the intervening years.   

I attended a large high school in the East Valley area of Phoenix, Arizona. With 150-ish LDS students on a campus of 3000, it might sound like we were outnumbered and wouldn’t have run into the problem you described so well – cliquish, standoffish groups of LDS teens who don’t mix well with those we call “nonmembers.” That wasn’t the case. There was a “Mormon table” where LDS students were known to congregate and the LDS student population was well known on campus, because they stuck together.  

As one of those students, you might think I would have fit right in. But I didn’t.  

I distinctly remember the first day of high school. It was overwhelming. By lunch, I was fully demoralized. One of the LDS people I was friendly with, a junior, kindly pulled me over to the table, but I couldn’t even eat. No one talked to me. At a table full of people who should be my friends, I was just so lonely.  

In walked Sammy Day*, a friend I used to talk to as we rode the bus home from middle school. He also happened not to be LDS. We locked eyes and instantly knew we both felt alone, lonely, and overwhelmed. I hopped up, joined Sammy at a different table, and we talked and ate our lunches. Suddenly, everything was better. 

Sammy and I were always friendly acquaintances, though we both found our people over time. It turned out none of my people with whom I most belonged in high school were LDS and this always bothered me. I was supposed to belong in the LDS groups, right?  

But when an LDS person walked by while I stood with my nonmember friends, my friend would talk about how mean and bullying those Mormon people were.  

When I walked to seminary with the LDS students, they would kick the car my friend was lovingly rebuilding piece by piece, so I know the mean and bullying accusations were not unfounded.  

Though I never said anything, those weren’t people I even wanted as friends if I was being really honest with myself. I didn’t want to feel that pressure to dress, act, and think exactly like the same as the rest of the LDS crowd. 

When I went to LDS specific events, I didn’t feel welcome or wanted, but still felt that pull that I should belong.  

In contrast, my nonmember friends were welcoming, warm, kind. Incidentally, we shared the same values, like inclusivity. We liked school, were strong students academically, respected our parents, didn’t drink alcohol (I know – unicorns exist sometimes, okay?), and shared the same interests. We played card games at lunch, watched the BBC Pride and Prejudice, had silly sleepovers and attended school dances, and we had strong crossover with orchestra and choir. Those people, whether we have since lost contact or still stay in touch, were integral to shaping me as a person in high school. Current me is always grateful that past me had them in my life.

All of the values, like inclusivity and kindness, that I thought that LDS crowd should have, my “nonmember friends” actually did have.  

Something I want you to understand about LDS culture is that we have a strong emphasis on homogeneity. We tend to want everyone to be the same, do the same things, think the same things. It’s pretty difficult to overcome.    

One top of homogeneity, there’s this problem where LDS people don’t necessarily evaluate their behavior because if they’re doing the LDS things like going to church on Sunday, then they must be a good person, even if they’re not actually doing good things some of the time. 

I have met some very nice Mormons in my time who still didn’t know how to break out of the homogeneity or see their exclusivist behavior as a problem.   

When LDS teens snub you, that’s a failure on their part, but just maybe, you’re not missing out. 

The right LDS person isn’t going to snub you. They’re going to share your interests and your values and your belief in inclusivity.  

Like you, I would like my church to do a much better job at fostering and valuing inclusivity. I’m sorry that you are made to feel left out and unwanted. I won’t excuse that behavior. I see it too.  

But I also know that you are deserving of friends who support you, love you, encourage you, and value you exactly as you are. If LDS teens aren’t those people, you never have to settle for them.  

In solidarity, 

Beelee  

*name changed

Photo by Melissa Askew on Unsplash

Come Follow Me: Doctrine and Covenants 58–59 “ANXIOUSLY ENGAGED IN A GOOD CAUSE”

On Tribulations, Prayer, and Hope for Blessings (Doctrine and Covenants 58:2-5)

58:2 For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.

3 Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

4 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

5 Remember this, which I tell you before, that you may lay it to heart, and receive that which is to follow.

During a conversation with Krista Tippett on On Being, theologian and church historian Roberta C. Bondi shared her perspective of how the hope of blessings and prayer helps her get through tribulation: 

“One of my favorite images from Scripture… was always Jacob wrestling with the angel…It has all the elements of real prayer: God sneaking up on Jacob…unexpectedly in the night, which is often when God comes to us with the anxiety-producing information about ourselves or about our situation; Jacob’s absolute persistence in saying, “Look, all right, you started this, I’m not letting you go without a blessing”; and…his perseverance and…refusal to let go; and his absolute steadfast commitment to the fact that if he had hung in there, there would be a blessing in it.

“Which is my experience over and over…with working through the hard things in my life…The thing that’s kept me at it so many times is the understanding and…belief that if I really do face these things in God’s presence…and wrestle through them, that this is not because it’s good to face hard things or because there’s something noble and helpful in suffering, but because the promise really is, if I keep on this long enough, there will be the blessing on the other side. There will be the resurrection. I’m doing this for the sake of the blessing, for the resurrection, so that I don’t have to do this anymore…

“I have a friend who plays in the Atlanta Symphony, and someone asked him once what it was like to play piccolo in a great symphony like the Atlanta Symphony. And he said, “Well, it’s actually, long stretches of boredom interspersed with short periods of pure terror.” And I wouldn’t say it quite like that, that prayer is like that. But I would say that prayer is long periods of ordinary shared life, together with intense periods of wrestling with really serious stuff that can scare us to death but can also bring us into real life with God and real life with ourselves in a way that we can’t otherwise have it.”

She also says, “During the difficult times…prayer… is generally difficult because our prayer reflects the rest of our lives. We don’t become different people when we go into our prayer, and if it’s going to be a real relationship, it has to be a truthful relationship.”

And: “[H]owever we think we ought to be in prayer, the fact is we just need to show up and do the best we can do, and that’s what’s called on in our relationship with God is just to show up…It’s like being in a family. We just show up.”

And: “[I]f for whatever reason a person finds it hard to sit down and do any kind of formal prayer, or there’s an inner resistance, which I think a lot of us feel, it’s okay just to invite God to be with you while you read a good novel or eat a meal, right? Which is … but that’s a pretty radical idea.”

Some ideas gleaned from Roberta’s words:Connecting with God/ prayer is meant to be a struggle/ wrestle, and is more challenging when life in general is hard.In the dialogue that comes with prayer, God sometimes surprises us with insights or communes with us unexpectedly.Prayer can be boring and requires discipline, commitment and showing up, much like God being a family member you give time and attention to every day. Lowering our expectations for our prayer performance and thinking out of the box about what prayer can be might help us tap into inviting God into our lives if we’re struggling with this.Expressing our insistent longing for blessings, perhaps specifically resurrection and eternal life, can help us through our most fearful times of life. The hope of unseen resolution and blessings beyond this life, as discussed in D&C 58, can help us persist in our greatest times of tribulation.Questions for consideration/discussion:In what ways has prayer been a struggle for you during hard times? What prompts you to wrestle with God? Do you agree with Bondi that prayer becomes harder when life is harder? If so, why?Has God ever surprised you in the way Bondi suggests, with “anxiety-producing information about ourselves or about our situation” or a joyful sense of being loved and held?What do you think of the idea of treating God like a family member you need to show up for each day? Or inviting God to be present with you while you do ordinary daily activities in place of a conventional prayer?Has hope in the resurrection and eternal life helped you in hard times?What non-material blessings other than those in the next life have you come to count on that come through enduring tribulation? (such as wisdom, experience, perspective, increase capacities to support others, etc.)What strikes you or inspires you most about Bondi’s reflections on tribulations and blessings?How might preparing “a feast of fat things…for the poor” apply to our lives or communities? (Doctrine and Covenants 58:6-11)

58:6…[F]or this cause I have sent you…8 that a feast of fat things might be prepared for the poor; yea, a feast of fat things, of wine on the lees well refined, that the earth may know that the mouths of the prophets shall not fail;

9 Yea, a supper of the house of the Lord, well prepared, unto which all nations shall be invited.

10 First, the rich and the learned, the wise and the noble;

11 And after that cometh the day of my power; then shall the poor, the lame, and the blind, and the deaf, come in unto the marriage of the Lamb, and partake of the supper of the Lord, prepared for the great day to come.

Many wards and stakes today are growing increasingly culturally, racially and socio-economically diverse. Perhaps you live in an urban center that has experienced influxes of refugees. Or perhaps your ward today likely has more individuals with mental health disabilities, physical, and other disabilities who need accommodations than in decades past. 

Questions for Consideration/Discussion:What does the “supper of the Lord” mentioned in D&C 58 that is “prepared for the poor,” others in need, and those who have been treated/perceived as outsiders mean to you at this point in your experience?From your perspective, does this concept apply to temporal needs, spiritual needs, or both? Does it apply to the Church’s past (such as the early gathering of immigrant converts), the present ways the Church helps the poor, future events when the Savior comes or all of the above?Many new members and migrants are looking for connection, belonging, community, support, and personal growth. How can we do a better job in our wards and stake at preparing the Lord’s supper for the poor– helping meet their needs, being socially inclusive, and helping them develop and thrive in the ways they desire to do as people?How can we do a better job at including refugees, immigrants, and culturally and racially diverse members at Church who might feel like outsiders at times?What do you feel inspired to do to help prepare the supper of the Lamb for those in need?When is obedience a virtue and when is it an obstacle or a vice?

58: 27 Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

28 For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.

29 But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned.

There are some core commandments or boundaries that stand as basic guideposts for life. The ten commandments are valuable when it comes to this. And sometimes we benefit from revelation and direction from God, ideas that aren’t fully our own. The early saints worked on projects God inspired to take up.  But it’s also clear in these verses that it’s not right for us to have all our actions, learning, and projects spoon-fed to us by God or by our religious institutions. We should be actively engaged in thinking through problems, questions, and the pursuit of goodness, truth, and virtue of our own accord. It is more of a creative partnership we have with God in pursuit of creating a better world, both of us acting as agents. C.S. Lewis sometimes discussed the idea that virtues are in danger of becoming harmful idols or vices in our lives if we make them all-important. For example in The Four Loves, he wrote, “When love itself becomes a god, it becomes demonic.” As we see in these verses in D&C, obedience like other virtues needs to be balanced with other principles and should not be all-encompassing. There are contexts in which obedience is helpful, but it should not dominate our spiritual engagement.

Questions for Consideration/Discussion:Inspired by the verses above as well as your own experience, what are some examples of when fixation on obedience/ not acting until directed by others serves as a stumbling block or detriment?How has your own perspective of obedience changed as you’ve gone through different periods of development (such as childhood, teen years, young adulthood, middle age etc.)What are some actions/projects you’ve had the desire to do of your own accord, that have nothing to do with valuing obedience, but have brought joy/goodness into your life?Obedience to leaders, even sometimes at the cost of cognitive dissonance and distrust of self, is sometimes emphasized at church. In your mind, when is the principle of obedience helpful in the Church, and when might it hinder “much righteousness” that could be possible by making space for members’ personal wisdom, experience, differentiation from one another and autonomy?How would you like the discourse about obedience in the Church to evolve to be more supportive of members and their desires to do good “of their own free will”? What Could Make Sunday More Restful and Delightful for you? (Doctrine and Covenants 59)

Whether you’re a parent, sometimes required to work on Sunday, overwhelmed or stressed by crowds at church, or struggle to unplug from the online world like so many of us, it can be an immense challenge to access rest and enjoyment on the Sabbath, or to feel that this day is different any others. The situation is a bit different today than they were in 1831 when this revelation was recorded, and when it might have been a little clearer what it meant to lay work aside and enjoy physical rest/ a break from certain responsibilities.

Questions for Consideration/Discussion:What obstacles have you faced in tapping into rest, peace, and joy on the Sabbath?What strategies have you tried for dealing with this?

In seeking to make the Sabbath more rejuvenating and holy, it might be helpful to expand our definitions of what sacred/spiritual experience can be. D&C 59 ties keeping blessings of the Sabbath to our stewardship over nature/the earth. While the revelation doesn’t suggest taking nature walks or meditating in the woods, spending time in nature is one legitimate way to seek more peace on Sunday.

According to research done by the Springtide Institute, GenZ young adults and teens consider engaging both nature and the arts as vital spiritual practices; 20% of them spend time in nature to connect with the sacred, and 29% create and engage art (singing, painting, listening to music, etc.) to get in touch with their spirituality. These are among their top three spiritual practices, the third being prayer (20%). We might learn something from how definitions of spiritual practices are expanding and evolving to meet the needs of our time!

Spiritual experiences, including deep feelings of peace and connection, can happen in many more contexts than prayer, scripture study, or singing hymns. Reading novels or poems that speaks to your heart and mind, playing an instrument, writing, drawing, observing wildlife and fauna on a hike, spending time with other people, and even focused, fun activities such as board game can all produce moments of peace, insight, and sacred connectedness. Maybe we need to give ourselves more spiritual credit for some of the efforts we make to tend to our needs on the Sabbath, and more permission to enjoy these things as part of what nurtures our spirituality.

Questions for Consideration/Discussion:Are there any activities in the natural world or in the arts that bring you solace/delight/a sense of enlightenment or connection with God? What other activities would you add to this list that might provide a sense of flow/ connection/ peace/ communion with God and attunement to spiritual light?Do you think an expanded definition of spiritual practices and/or spiritual experiences might help you to find more rest and delight in the Sabbath? Why or why not?

Photo by peter bucks on Unsplash

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Hope Is Embracing My Ability To Create The Future

I learned many years ago that forgiveness is giving up all desire to change the past. I have tried, with mixed results, to practice doing that. When I really take on practicing forgiveness, I have found tremendous freedom from constantly needing to turn back to the past – to blame someone, to justify myself, to relish righteous anger or indignation, to allow people who have caused me pain to live rent free in my head. I fail often. When I do choose the freedom that can come from forgiveness, even if it doesn’t magically erase the pain or memory, I don’t feel controlled by past events anymore. I don’t make light of what this takes, or how complex this is for each person and situation. One of the most transformative experiences I had with forgiveness was terrifying to willingly take on. But I was the one who chose to do so. No one coerced me. In that choice, I saw an aspect of creative power I had not realized before. 

The power of choice, of agency, is crucial to creating my life. In this instance, I created freedom from the past. I began to create appreciation that all things that had happened before now – sorrow and joy, pain and pleasure, construction and destruction, wounding and healing, accident or intentional, all things brought me to now. I can choose to acknowledge and honor all people and actions for what is and what is not. And create freedom to move forward in that choice. 

Or not. I often fail to let go. There are plenty of ways the past still claims a hold on me. And it is mine to get the impact and cost of that. I embrace the ways I have chosen freedom. I continue to practice.

I have been to several events this week that have involved discussions about nuanced faith and complex journeys. The idea of hope was brought up in both. I considered how hope is an integral part of my life now. My concern for the state of the world is taking precedence in where I focus my efforts.

At night, it is hard for me to calm my worries about the ongoing takeover of my country by authoritarians and oligarchs, and the lives at risk or lost because of their efforts. It is rare for me to feel rested in the morning, and I often want to shut down and give up on making a difference in the world. It is obstinate, illogical hope that pushes through to me. Hope refuses to let me remain in a fetal position, under the covers, thinking I can never stem the unfeeling greed, the ignorant fears, the deadly racism and sexism and homophobia that drives people to turn on others viciously, or worse, without feeling, as they intentionally repeat the atrocities like those of the Holocaust, and like violence waged against the civil rights movement. Those perpetuating this violence are not just ignoring our history, they are wanting to repeat it, and be a part of the regime that subdues and controls those they fear, those they “other”. It is hope that gets me to call all my representatives every morning, like a daily activist meditative practice, expressing my concerns, my determination to make them aware that I exist, that I will not give up. It is hope that gets me to rallies, no matter the weather. Or to show up at hearings, and meetings. It is hope that gets me to stand outside the Senate or House chamber at the Capitol, waiting for members of committees, stepping up and talking with them about why a bill is harmful or helpful, speaking clearly and intentionally (even though I want to yell at some of them), sharing lived experiences, trying to break through their wall of certainty. It is hope that gets me to attend trainings about how to effectively put my privileged body in front of those at risk when they are being threatened or attacked. It is hope that refuses to let me tolerate any justification for turning back to the past. Especially in ways that deny most of the historical details in order to isolate and praise systems that were built on racism and sexism, but are now presented as empty, performative patriotism. 

I am seeing that hope is embracing my ability to create the future. My experience with God informs me that Their creative power came from hopeful love. They created worlds where we could each find our own creative power to journey forward.

What about the future? What about moving forward? What about the next step on a path that is not always clear? How can I live the hope of creating the future when there is so much devastation now?

So much of my conversation with others about creating my own path has been about faith journeys. And that this is a practice I choose, moment by moment to take on for the rest of my life. I don’t always know where it will lead, or how it will look. Often, it is like that breathless, terrifying moment from the scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Indiana’s father has been shot by the Nazi’s, and Indiana has to find a way through the obstacles to get the Holy Grail, and save his father’s life. (This is especially moving to me, because what wouldn’t I do to have more time with my father?) Indiana follows the signs, and makes it through several seemingly impossible traps, until he comes to the edge of a deep chasm, with no way to cross. The only clue is that it is only by a leap of faith that he can see his way forward. He is gasping in terror, but he has to believe there is a way forward, since returning will only mean death. So, he steps out into nothingness. But only when he is in the next moment, the next space, can he see the way forward. He created a new future in taking that step.

I can take as long as I need on the edge of the chasm of the unknown. I can experience the terror of moving into the future for however long I feel it. I can turn again to the past if I choose to deal with that pain. I can create my future, choosing to step forward on a path that I might not see until I am in the next moment, the next place I step.

The practice of taking this on in my faith journey has always carried out into how I create my life in the world. I often say that Jesus wants me for an activist. My Mormon practice teaches me to live in this world with hope. It has taught me that hope is not about denying hurt, pain, woundedness, devastation. It is about seeing that depth of experience creates depth of possibility. Opposition in all things, proving contraries, greater sorrow has the possibility of greater joy. Those who deny feeling, compassion, mercy, suffering, want, charity, love – those move them past feeling. The only way to survive a life that justifies eliminating people because of ideology, or ignorance, or fear, or some kind of worthiness rhetoric, is to suppress any depth of feeling. It is a shallow, miserable life which can find no fulfillment. Living hopeful love is not denial, but rather deep acknowledgement of all things, of all existence, being present to it, and creating from it into the future.

I read the daily “Letters From An American” by Heather Cox Richardson. She is a historian who offers a daily perspective on current events in context of history. One of her books is about the horrible massacre at Wounded Knee. She has described how difficult it was doing the research, reading the accounts of the terrible violence, and seeing the pivotal moments where one person could have done something different that would have prevented a great deal of suffering. She talks of how hard it is, as a historian, to study all these moments that could have been different, but have to acknowledge that you can’t go back and change the past. Then she acknowledges that we always, always have the power to change the future. All of her studies, her understanding of history, her own efforts to educate each day, everything to help us see that we all have the power to change the future. To create the future. All of that is hope.

There is an interview that Stephen Colbert did when he had Nick Cave as a guest on the Tonight Show. I watch it regularly as part of my contemplative study. In part of it, Nick talks about the devastation from the death of his son, and the long process of moving forward from that, living creation and hope again. One of his creations is the Red Hand Files, where people can write to him and ask him anything. It is a type of ministry. He read from a letter from a man who has lost faith in humanity, and fears how this will impact his young child. This man asked Nick Cave, “Do you still believe in us human beings?”

Nick responded with this letter…

“Much of my early life was spent holding the world and the people in it in contempt. It was a position, both seductive and indulgent. The truth is I was young and I had no idea what was coming down the line. It took a devastation to teach me the preciousness of life, and the essential goodness of people. It took a devastation to reveal the precariousness of the world of its very soul, and to understand that the world was crying out for help. It took a devastation to understand the idea of mortal value, and it took a devastation to find hope. Unlike cynicism, hopefulness is hard earned, makes demands upon us, and can often feel like the most indefensible and lonely place on earth. Hopefulness is not a neutral position. It is adversarial. It is the warrior emotion that can lay waste to cynicism. Each redemptive or loving act as small as you like, such as reading to your little boy, or showing him a thing you love, or singing him a song, or putting on his shoes, keep the devil down in the hole. It says the world and its inhabitants have value and are worth defending. It says the world is worth believing in. In time we come to find this is so.”

Devastation comes in life. It may be from consequences of my own choice, or from the actions of others. It may be the unexplainable variance of a chromosome, or genetic sequence that influences physical existence and health. It may be the one cancer cell that resists my body’s immune defenses, and I am called to another battle. It might be through the deliberate actions of a few people in power that shift entire civilizations or organizations. I can do all things to deny and avoid devastation, and flatten my experience to a shallow existence, making it harder to be at-one with anyone else in their existence. Or I can acknowledge the transformative power of devastation, how it adds to the depth of my experience, and my power to create a future, with adversarial, warrior-like, hopeful love.

Sacred Music Sunday: Ding Dong Merrily on High

For the last two weeks, I’ve had the Christmas song “Ding Dong Merrily on High” stuck in my head. I have no idea why. It’s the end of May. Christmas isn’t for another seven months. It’s been 107 degrees Fahrenheit (41.2 Celsius) this past week, in a place where Christmas comes in winter, not summer.

As a musician, Christmas music isn’t confined to the month of December. I typically start rehearsing in late August or early September. And sometimes when things get stressful, Christmas music comes to mind to tamp down the stress.

I’m not an etymologist, but I was told as a child that Christmas comes from “Christ Mass”, which means a celebration of Christ. Whether that’s true or whether someone made it up to sound conveniently profound, I’m going to run with it. Christmas music can be year round because we should be celebrating Christ year round.

Merry Christmas, seven months early!

Do Mormons Hate Questions?

Joseph Smith had a question. He studied it out. He talked to people. Eventually he asked God. He got an answer and started the Church. That’s the story I’ve been taught since Primary. 

So why are questions so often shut down in the Church?

Just the other day I was at an activity for the 8-11 year old girls and saw the girls’ questions get shut down repeatedly. I am a co-leader of this group and the other co-lead planned the activity that night. We were going to the construction site where a temple is currently being built so we could learn about the construction from the on-site senior missionaries. On the way there, I drove as my co-lead talked to the girls about the purposes of the temple.

I realize it was slightly unrelated to what the leader was saying, but a girl asked, “How did Adam and Eve know what to do since they were the first people? How did they figure out how to do anything?”

My own daughter has asked me similar questions and we’ve had big conversations about various beliefs about Adam and Eve (e.g., some people believe the story is an allegory, some people believe the story is exactly as told, some people believe there were already humans but they were more like animals and Adam and Eve were the first to have human-like emotions/brains) and I’ve given my daughter time to reflect on what these various ideas could mean to answer her questions.

The co-leader just said something like, “We don’t know that. But maybe we’ll learn someday after we die.” 

Maybe she didn’t want to get into it. Maybe she felt that it was off topic. Or maybe she has been taught to shut down questions like that and then instinctively did the same thing with this girl.

We got to the temple and the senior couple was telling us about the construction. One of the girls asked “Why aren’t there Angel Moroni’s on the temples anymore?” One of the missionaries said, “In 2019 they stopped putting Moroni on the top of the temple. That was the same year they changed the logo of the church from Moroni to Christus. I invite you to go home and ask Heavenly Father why they made that change.” 

I like the idea to invite prayer, but aren’t we allowed to have any discussions before prayer? Couldn’t the senior missionary have changed the rhetoric slightly to encourage questions? Maybe she could have said, “In 2019 they stopped putting Moroni on the top of the temple. That was the same year they changed the logo of the church from Moroni to Christus. I’m not totally sure all the reasons for this change. What do you think might be some of the reasons?” After a discussion of various possibilities, she could have invited prayer at home. 

I got home from the activity and started thinking about all the times my questions have been met with resistance. The thought occurred to me: I think Mormons hate questions. But aren’t we supposed to like them? What about Joseph Smith’s question? Still, I think Mormons might hate questions.

Am I wrong? 

Picture taken from the church website from an article about asking questions. It seems like we at least say we like questions!

Caveat: I realize I am someone who LOVES questions. As a social science researcher, I am professionally paid to ask hard questions and try to get closer to answers to these questions. Maybe Mormons don’t hate questions any more than most people, but I just happen to associate with a lot of people professionally who value questions so much so it skews my view of the people I associate with at church.

“The Appearance of Evil:” Does That Mean What You Think It Does?

There is a scripture that has haunted me for years. Its interpretation has made me worry and overthink decisions. It has taken my power of agency and given it to others. 

Today, I am taking my power back. I don’t think that scripture means what many church members think it means, and it’s time we change our usage of it. 

1 Thessalonians 5:22 and “The Appearance of Evil”

At the end of Paul’s letter to the Thessalonians, the King James Version of the Bible includes this scripture: “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” 

Currently, I hear this scripture interpreted to mean that people should obviously avoid doing evil, but they should also avoid doing things that may not be explicitly evil, but that may look evil. 

In fact, the Mormon chatbot, LDSBot affirms this interpretation. LDSBot says, “This scripture encourages members to avoid situations that might lead to sin or appear to be wrong in the eyes of others.” This interpretation is contrary to my understanding of God, sin, and judgment, and the scriptures agree with me. 

[image error]LDSBot’s description of “avoid the very appearance of evil” “The Appearance of Evil” Is In the Eye of the Beholder

One of the main problems with the interpretation of the scripture as people commonly use it is that it takes judgment away from the person acting and away from God, and instead places it in mere mortals. 

Some people may use this scripture to think that mocktails should be avoided, because they look like cocktails. Others may think that illusion necklines are sinful because they give the “illusion” of modesty. People often use this scripture to say listening to radio edits of songs is inappropriate, because the “evil” swear words can still be implied. It can get out of hand so quickly! 

If one wants to use this scripture as a way to help themselves make choices about how to live righteously, more power to them! 

But the problem comes when this scripture is used to tell other people what to do. It is problematic when the person making the choice is not concerned with what God thinks or what they think, but rather, “will someone else see this as evil? If so, I must avoid it.” If we are concerned, as LDSBot says, with things that “appear to be wrong in the eyes of others,” we are quickly going to find we have no real choices, and we will constantly feel judged and shamed. 

As a teenager who struggled with religious scrupulosity, I felt this. I felt that every decision I made was not only being judged by God, but also by the members of my ward. 

I did not fit in with my ward, and most of the other members did not seem particularly interested in getting to know me. They only knew that I liked the color purple because I often wore it to church. 

One day, a visitor came. She had beautiful purple hair. My Young Women leader told me to go talk to her, “because she probably doesn’t feel like she fits in. And with her hair like that, she probably has other concerns too.” Apparently, to this leader, purple hair was the “appearance of evil,” and I was sent to help this girl, because I… liked purple? 

The message I walked away with, though, was that the ward was always watching. Dye your hair? They will know and make a judgment. Change your clothes? They will know and make a judgment. Listen to popular music? They will know and make a judgment. 

“The Appearance of Evil” as a Weapon

When we give away the power of judgment to others rather than God, they can use it as a weapon. If someone is vulnerable, a person in power can shut them down just by saying, “your actions are giving the appearance of evil.” 

I experienced this and it has haunted me to this day; it’s taken therapy for me to process the harm from this. 

When I was a teenager, I started taking voice lessons. I loved singing, and it was a way that I really sparkled. I was blessed with a beautiful voice, and with lessons, it started to bloom into something rather special. 

I was asked to sing at a Young Women’s dinner one year, and I found a piece that fit comfortably in my voice. It shared the skill I had developed, including some impressive (for a 16-year-old) embellishments. I loved singing it, and I enjoyed performing it at the dinner. The audience seemed to enjoy it too! 

I was then asked if I would perform the same piece as a special musical number in the ward. I agreed and started to prepare. Later, I was told by the bishopric member coordinating that service that I would have to change my song. They had decided that all special musical numbers had to be hymns from the hymn book, and my song was not (even though it was all centered on Christ). I was hurt and annoyed, but those feelings only amplified when I found out the real reason they had decided to change my piece.

It had nothing to do with the handbook or preferences of the bishop. My Young Women Leader (yes, the one with the vendetta against purple hair) had decided that I was becoming too prideful about my voice. She felt that letting me sing that song in sacrament meeting was giving me too much reason to show off, and would therefore be feeding into the “appearance of evil,” with the evil in this case being pride. 

A grown woman was using “the appearance of evil” to squash the heart and spirit of a teenage girl. 

I am now a professional singer. People pay me to use that skill, and I am comfortable saying I am pretty good at it! I hate singing in church. I do it once in a while, because I occasionally have a song in my heart. But it stresses me out more than singing with a professional symphony. I feel like I have to be good or people will think “oh… She gets paid to do this?” But I also feel like if I do too well, people will think, “Oh. She thinks she’s really good. That’s very prideful,” and it makes me sweat and shake. All because one Young Women Leader used “the appearance of evil” as a weapon. 

A Hidden Dark Side to “The Appearance of Evil”

While the example of my Young Women Leader using this scripture to sabotage me is obviously wrong, there is a hidden side to our interpretation of this scripture that is even more nefarious. 

In 1972, psychologists K. Dion, E. Berscheid, and E. Walster published a landmark study titled “What is Beautiful is Good.” They found that people were more inclined to make judgments that conventionally attractive people would perform more socially acceptable/good behaviors. They deemed this judgment “what is beautiful is good.” 

You see this played out in children’s animations. The evil character is usually ugly, while the heroine is beautiful and “fair.” A study found that children can internalize that message to mean that “ugly”=”evil” and “pretty”=”good” and then they make quick judgments about the morals of a character, based solely on appearance. 

This happens everywhere in society, certainly not just in the church. But add in this scripture of “abstain from the appearance of evil” and suddenly, it’s not just society’s beauty standards at play, it’s also “the will of God.” 

With the understanding that appearing “evil” is next to sinning, it’s no wonder that places with large numbers of Latter-Day Saints see high rates of plastic surgery. It’s no wonder that trends like “Utah curls” take over Mormon spheres. 

In a (likely subconscious) attempt to avoid sin and appear good, appearances, particularly in media, become homogenized, and suddenly the representation of “good Mormons” is filled with slender, blonde, white women with a slight curl to their hair, full lips, and button noses. 

Does plastic surgery erase sins? No. Does lighter hair bring you closer to God? No. But subconsciously, people may be thinking this when we interpret 1 Thessalonians 5:22 to mean that appearance matters! People can then use scriptures as a bludgeon, thinking that people not fitting their beauty standards must be sinning. 

This is one reason that we desperately need diverse representation in all aspects of our lives. We need to see that people of all races, body types, hair colors, and other presentations can make both good and bad choices. We need children and adults to recognize that appearance does not dictate goodness. People may be conventionally attractive and be saints! They may also be sinners. The same goes for people of any appearance! 

(Side note: I have felt pain seeing only thin white influencers sharing outfits compatible with the new garments. If you can relate to that, you may enjoy (@kaylee.kalehua) on Instagram, who is a Hawaiian woman promoting mid-size outfits.) 

God Is Not Worried About What You Look Like

Another fault with interpreting “the appearance of evil” the way that many do is that God does not seem to agree. I can see that personally in my life, and the scriptures also support that. 

1 Samuel 16:7 says, “for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” God does not care what we look like, and our Heavenly Parents know what is in our hearts. So, they know if our hearts are in the right place, regardless of what others may say about the “appearance of evil” in our actions. 

God even encourages us to avoid making judgments based on appearance. John 7:24 says, “Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.” So not only does God think what is in our hearts is what matters, but God wants us to do the same! 

Yet, people still cling to “the appearance of evil” as their justification for restricting and shaming others. 

“I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means” 

When we interpret “the appearance of evil” to mean anything that may look like sin, whether it is sinful or not, we are missing the mark. Furthermore, we are probably not even reading that scripture correctly! In the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible, 1 Thessalonians 5:22 reads “abstain from every form of evil” (emphasis added).
Paul is not warning people to avoid things that others may see as sin, he is warning people to avoid all evil. 

So, hurting people with weapons is evil. Hurting people with your words is also evil, just a different “form” (or “appearance”). Lying is wrong, and so is cheating. Marginalizing people in God’s name is wrong, even if you think you can back it up with scriptures! It’s still another form of evil. 

Give the Power Back to God

Worrying about what others may see as “evil” is spiritually shaming and stifling. It has the power to make you more concerned with outward appearance than with other actions. It can open the door to hiding harmful behavior, so that no one can judge you as “evil.” All of that does not help someone heal. It allows hurt to grow and fester. 

But if we re-interpret (or rather, interpret correctly) the admonition to avoid evil in all forms, rather than just what “looks” evil, we take the power away from the people around us and give it back to God. Once again, God and we judge what is right in our lives, not some nosy neighbor who does not like loud music. 

Guest Post: Women can’t even run our own meetings?

Guest Post by Megan Buhler

Has anyone else seen a trend toward stake presidents taking over Relief Society during Ward Conference?

In my last stake we had a down-to-earth, countercultural stake president who would come to Relief Society for Ward Conference. He really would rather be with the women than the men and tried in his way to be an ally and champion for women. I never loved it, particularly as he was always recognized as presiding and spoke at the end, but I thought it was a quirk unique to him.

Now I’m in a new stake where misogyny and leader worship are at a level I have never seen before. I was in the Relief Society presidency when Ward Conference came up last year and was informed the Stake Relief Society President would be teaching. I reached out to her to see if there was anything I could do to support her and to explain some of the ways we do things – for instance, asking her to use the microphone because we have a lot of older sisters that can’t hear without it. She was gracious, happy to do what I requested and I was happy to do what she requested – mainly she asked all the women to bring a picture of the Savior that was meaningful to them. She didn’t want it to be an onerous request -and stressed that just a picture on their phone was sufficient but people could bring hard copies or framed pictures if they wanted.

The Stake Relief Society President, her counselors, and the Stake President showed up. The Stake Relief Society President gave a lovely talk about the Savior then encouraged everyone to turn to their neighbor and talk about a picture of Him that is meaningful to them and why. Then she turned the remaining half of the time over to the Stake President.

Our Stake President is in his mid-40s. He stood up and turned down the microphone she offered. I picked it up and handed it to him and asked him to please use it because we had older women who couldn’t hear. He did a ridiculous boy band imitation with the microphone, argued he didn’t need it because he was a man and men’s voices are easier to hear (!) and turned it off and set it down.

He then mocked the Stake Relief Society President for her organization and preparation. Explained how she carefully plans in advance for every ward conference and sends him her talk weeks ahead of time and he still doesn’t know what he’s going to say at that moment because he didn’t prepare at all. Some of his teasing was self-deprecating but a lot of it was at her expense.

He then starts asking questions – basically, what do you want to talk about -and doesn’t get much of a response. So he starts calling on people. He gets a name wrong – and the woman explains that is her birth name, but not the name she goes by. He proceeds to call her by that name frequently throughout the meeting as a punchline – to giggles from some of the women. He continues calling on women – in a teasing way. It was very different from the way that women talk to other women.

After the meeting, I am still bothered. I feel invaded into one of the very few women’s spaces we have in the church. We have so little autonomy as a Relief Society Presidency, but at least we meet regularly as women.

I searched the handbook trying to find a way to justify him being there. I couldn’t find anything.

Have you seen Stake Presidents attending/leading Relief Society during ward conference? How do you feel about it?

Megan lives with her husband, 3 kids, and a puppy in Taylorsville, Utah. She loves books, working in the elementary school library, and is a member of too many book clubs

I Think Many Mormon Women Don’t Orgasm

This weekend I watched season two of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. I’ve made several posts on the blog instagram about the displays of Mormonism on the show and now I want to chat about one specific plot line that’s been glaring at me: Layla and her inability to have an orgasm.

This is peak Mormon purity culture.

Layla confesses that she’s never had an orgasm with a male partner despite being married and having multiple partners. She tells the camera that she thinks it relates to feeling shame around having premarital sex and being pressured to get married young when she got pregnant.

Layla is far from alone in those feelings. The book And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura M. Brotherson, written for LDS audiences and sold at Deseret Bookstores, is a self-described “how-to handbook” on healthy sexual relationships that discusses this very issue. Brotherson’s popular book aimed at helping women with sex is frequently given out by bishops in premarital interviews or as a gift at bridal showers and weddings. (We got a copy in our wedding gift pile.) One of its basic premises is that many Latter-day Saint women struggle with finding sexual pleasure, arousal, and orgasming.

I’m gonna say something I don’t have the hard data to back up, because let’s be real, who’s going admit it out loud? What good Mormon woman is going to talk openly about s-e-x when it’s so taboo? You’re welcome to tell me if you disagree. But here we go:

I think there are a lot of Mormon women who have never had an orgasm. Probably a lot more than you think, especially in older generations. I think there are many Mormon women who have an orgasm maybe once in a blue moon despite having regular sex. I truly think there are a lot of Laylas sitting in the pews every week.

This might be you. ZERO JUDGEMENT if it is. This is not an orgasm condemnation. This is an honest conversation about why I think this is and what we can do as a culture to empower more women to find sexual pleasure.

PURITY CULTURE

In my opinion, this is the biggest culprit. As Layla discusses on Secret Lives, shame is the bedrock of purity culture. It teaches youth, especially women, that sex and sexuality are inherently dirty and wrong. Anything connected to sexual feelings or arousal is something to be caged, something to repent of and chastise yourself for. When sexuality is associated over and over with wickedness it’s going to become tied to that in your mind. Some people are able to get over that association without issue once they are married/become sexually active (or at least suppress the association enough). Others really struggle with that connection. Here’s just two of many studies you can read on the impact of purity culture on sexuality and sexual well-being.

If a woman is experiencing shame, even subconsciously, how likely is she to feel aroused? To feel pleasure? To orgasm?

We pretend that we can suppress, suppress, suppress, then suddenly turn on sexuality on our wedding night. But that in itself can cause trauma. It can be too much, too fast. Human sexuality is designed more like a dimmer light switch to be slowly turned on (pun intended) moving from one stage to the next. Purity culture shames the stages of experimentation, forbidding normal human behavior to take place. So when it’s “go time” you’re expected to move from 0 to 100. That’s a lot! Pressure to perform, fear of the unknown, uninformed partners, bad communication, associations with shame, etc can lead to a negative or weird first sexual experience. Purity culture also teaches that sexuality is something we never discuss with anyone, so getting real help with issues becomes very difficult. Maybe it gets better. Maybe it gets worse. But unless you’re one of the few who steps out of the cultural cycle and breaks it, you might be trapped never knowing it can get better or should be any different.

2. LACK OF SEX EDUCATION

An extension of purity culture is a lack of sexual education. Most LDS families, especially in past generations, believe in abstinence only sexual education. Utah is an abstinence only state, unsurprisingly. There is no church program that teaches sex education and purity culture teaches that sex is taboo so most families either lean into a “don’t ask, don’t tell” kind of policy or stick to abstinence without exception, providing no real options for understanding contraception, STIs, consent, etc. Growing up, my family simply did not talk about sexuality or bodies beyond “don’t have sex, dress modestly.” If I had questions about my period, for example, I had to awkwardly google it. Based on what my fellow youth told me in retrospect, it was pretty much the same across the board in my generation. The few more open families were always the exception, not the rule in Mormonism. Even today in my California town, some LDS moms still rally against the local sex education in schools. Anti-sex ed parents often say they’re educating their kids at home but I honestly wonder what that means. I’m guessing it won’t involve diagrams of the vulva and clitoris or teaching kids how to properly put on a condom.

When you lack real sexual education, do you honestly know what an orgasm is? Do you even know that it’s possible to have sexual pleasure as a woman? Let’s be totally real here–My bishop had to explain what masturbation was to me in an interview (completely inappropriate, another topic on its own). I naively knew so little about sex outside of “penis goes into vagina” because I just wasn’t taught it and purity culture made me feel like a sinner if I wanted to know more. Most of the things I learned about sex came from the boys in high school drumline. Not exactly a grade A education.

At a cousin’s wedding I once heard an uncle joke that “neither of them will know what they are doing tonight” but it would all work out. Honestly, does it always? We assume that all LDS couples just figure it out and have great, fulfilling and healthy sex lives behind closed doors. But I’m convinced there’s a lot of “well my husband finished so we must be doing sex right” going on and many women who never realize they actually could be enjoying it too. And how would they ever know any different if they never sought out any more information or were never given any real education? How much abuse and misery is actually playing out as well to women who think this is just their lot in life?

Also, I say this with a lot of love–if your husband does not know how to find the clit, it might be time for an honest chat. The internet has a lot of helpful resources. Sex therapists are also awesome for working through issues.

3. DENIAL OF LGBTQ+ IDENTITIES

Mormonism teaches that sexuality is binary and assumes that all humans will find fulfillment in heterosexual marriages. But we know that is categorically untrue. Sexuality is a spectrum and people find fulfillment in all kinds of human relationships. Probably one of the other big reasons why some women can’t orgasm in their marriage is that they are just not attracted to men. Perhaps they are asexual and not attracted to anyone. Since the official church doctrine is to deny the legitimacy of non-heterosexual relationships and to condemn the active expression of LGBTQ+ identities in order to maintain full membership, its understandable that some women actively suppress or ignore their honest attractions. This truly breaks my heart. There are many things I wish I could change about the LDS church but their stance on LGBTQ+ individuals is at the very top of that list. When we deny individuals the ability to be their true selves as God made them to be, we actively harm them and all of God’s beautiful creation. God made us diverse for a reason and I wish we could honor that.

So why should we care if our fellow LDS women are or are not having orgasms? It’s not our business to police or spy on each other’s sexuality. Let me make it clear that’s not what I’m advocating for. I’m instead suggesting that too many Mormon women, throughout generations I would wager, have been left sexually unfulfilled or neglected directly due to church teachings, culture, and patriarchy.

As the majority of the world moves towards sex positivity and greater understanding of female bodies, the church often remains stubbornly in the past insisting that any discussion of sexuality is shameful or inappropriate. It continues to cling to patriarchy and strict gender roles that minimizes women’s needs and centers men’s pleasure. This leaves women feeling alone or that they have no room to explore.

If I could wave my magic wand and make some changes, I’d start with ditching purity culture, opening up full membership and temple rites for LGBTQ+ individuals, and openly supporting sexual education, women’s healthcare, and legislation for gender equality. Oh, and of course, smash the patriarchy because women belong in all rooms where decisions are being made in the church structure!

The women on Secret Lives threw Layla a sex party. I can’t do that for all of you, my lovely readers, but I can open up a conversation, awkward as it may be for some. So let’s grab a dirty soda and create a safe space to talk about it. At the very least, know you are not alone if this is your experience. If this isn’t your story, think about ways we can advocate for better change in church practices and teachings that will empower more women to not be left out of the O club.

Guest Post: Moral OCD and Scrupulosity as a Member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Where Commandments and Covenants Meet Compulsions

Guest Post by Kate

Introduction: My First Memory of OCD

My first memory of dealing with OCD is from when I was six years old. I heard on the news about Elizabeth Smart being kidnapped through her window by someone her father, a Mormon bishop, had invited into their home. I felt chilled to the bone. I was a young girl. I had a father who was a Mormon bishop. I began having intrusive thoughts that I, too, would be kidnapped out the window. To combat these thoughts, I would touch and lock every window lock in the house each evening and banned my family members from opening windows at night. This is my first memory of doing a compulsion. My parents wrote it off as a quirk. I didn’t know what was happening to me.

What is OCD and Scrupulosity?

OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) is an anxiety disorder that entails getting intrusive thoughts and completing compulsions to get rid of the thoughts.  There are many types of compulsions someone with OCD may deal with on a daily basis. A few examples include cleaning, checking, ordering or arranging, and mental compulsions like counting, repeating, avoidance, or seeking reassurance. The compulsion is always directly related to the obsessive thought or fear. In my example, it was checking.

While I have experienced many types of compulsions at different times in my life, one has been especially prominent: scrupulosity. Scrupulosity is a form of OCD where obsessions and compulsions revolve around religious or moral themes. These often involve fears of sin, blasphemy, or moral transgressions.

Chastity Talk and Intrusive Thoughts

Once I became a teenager, I received the chastity talk from my parents and church leaders. My fears morphed from being kidnapped into a new intrusive thought: the men in my life would sexually assault me if I dressed immodestly. I had been told that women were responsible for men’s sexual purity because men could not control themselves.

I meticulously crafted each outfit I wore to adhere to the For the Strength of Youth guidelines. I constantly tugged on my shirt to cover my cleavage—which was already fully covered—but I was convinced it wasn’t. Prom was a nightmare. The only dress I could find in my budget barely covered my shoulders. I convinced myself it was fine, though I knew it wasn’t. As I tugged at my sleeves all evening, a friend joked, “Are those Kate’s shoulders? I’ve never seen them before!” I burst into tears, fearing the judgment of God and the lustful eyes of the boys around me.

Escalating Intrusive Thoughts

The thoughts only became more intrusive and fearful. Every night, my brain would feed me images of being assaulted or murdered as a direct result of my sins. I would pray, sometimes for hours, asking God to take the thoughts away. Eventually, I’d fall asleep exhausted, knowing the thoughts would return the next night. I would often ask myself, “Why am I having these thoughts? Why are they in my head?”

I had no good answer except that I must have been sinning somehow, inviting Satan’s influence into my life. So I had to be more obedient. I studied scriptures every day, prayed constantly, and avoided secular music and suggestive media. The more the thoughts came, the more I tried to shoehorn myself into piety. Every wrongdoing, no matter how small, I confessed to my bishop. He’d remind me I had already confessed to those sins many times. I was miserable. I didn’t understand how I could be doing all the “right things” and still be so unhappy.

Postpartum OCD and New Fears

After the birth of my second child, the intrusive thoughts intensified. This time, they revolved around me hurting my children. Again, I wondered if I had sinned or if I was evil at my core and would be taken away from them. I felt I was losing my mind. This was postpartum OCD, a very real condition that many women struggle with.

After the fog of postpartum cleared, the obsessive tendencies stayed. I was officially diagnosed with OCD by two different therapists. I found myself obsessing over whether or not the Church was morally good. I ruminated for hours on whether my membership in the Church was more harmful than helpful to my children. I researched constantly, trying to ensure I understood Church history perfectly. I sought just the right resources that would ease my fears. I became focused on practicing Mormonism in a way that would harm the fewest people possible, and I agonized over the Church’s effect on women, racial minorities, and LGBTQIA+ individuals.

The Losing Battle of Seeking Reassurance

However, trying to ease guilt this way is a losing battle. I also obsess over the possibility of leaving. I call family members who have left and seek reassurance that they are genuinely happier and better outside the Church. But if I choose to leave, I risk my eternal family—a concept now held hostage by both my OCD and the Church. If I leave, I am the weak link, failing to “think celestial.”

Determining the Voice: The Spirit or OCD?

One of the hardest parts is trying to determine whether the internal voice reminding me to keep covenants and commandments is the Spirit or my OCD. We’ve been taught that if something invites us to do good, it is of God. But what if you’re doing good because you believe the world will crumble if you don’t? What if you’re a little girl waking up at night to check window locks because you believe the voice telling you to check is the Spirit warning you? What if you’re a teenager reminding your friends to dress modestly, not because you’re judgmental, but because you genuinely believe their safety and salvation are at stake?

“You Are Not the Voice in Your Head”

When Sister Runia, in the most recent conference, said, “You are not the voice in your head,” I cried with relief. Hearing someone over the pulpit validate that I wasn’t evil at my core because of thoughts I couldn’t control meant everything.

I offer the same to you: You are not the voice in your head. And as difficult as it is to admit, neither you nor I will have certainty in this life that the Church is 100 percent true, that there is a God, that there is a Savior, that the scriptures are historically accurate, or that many other tenets of our religion are unquestionably correct.

Embracing Freedom in Uncertainty

One of the most effective therapy tools I’ve been given is the concept of embracing uncertainty. In uncertainty, there is freedom. Because I am uncertain if God is real, it becomes entirely my choice to serve Him—or the idea of Him—if I choose to. My therapist explained that chasing the unrealistic ideal of certainty leads to bondage. The path to freedom is accepting the unknown. That is my current struggle and my goal.

Even though I can no longer say, “I know the Church is true,” I am grateful for a Savior I hope exists—one who gives me the agency and love to figure myself and my brain out.

Kate earned her degree in Genetics and Biotech from Brigham Young University Provo. She is a mother of two, wife, and active member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She loves anime, playing the piano, baking, and running.