Exponent II's Blog, page 189

Subscription Raffle 12/8/19

[image error]Welcome to the 2019 Exponent II subscription drive! Every day, we are randomly selecting a name from the list of people who have subscribed or bought a gift subscription for someone else between November 26 and December 24. The item we are giving away tomorrow (for subscriptions purchased today) is a 12″ one-of-a-kind handmade pillow cover pieced and quilted by our own Kirsten Campbell and Pandora Brewer.

You can subscribe at our online store her. Subscribing to Exponent II is the best way you can financially support our entire organization. Thank you for being a part of our community.

#EqualAccess Series Guest Post: Getting To Where I am Called

by Maggie Slighte

This post is part of The Exponent’s #EqualAccess Series. Disabled voices rarely get a chance to speak for themselves, but this blog series seeks to eliminate the stigma that disabled people are less than, and need a representative to speak on their behalf. This blog series is intended to break stereotypes by gathering the voices of disabled individuals. #DisabilityExperience

[image error]Maggie sitting by the Ft. Lauderdale Temple in Florida on a beautiful sunny day
Photo by Jacob Larsen

Three years after my baptism, I met Elder Bradley Foster of the Seventy in the Snowflake Temple. He asked me what brought me to the Church. 

I answered confidently, “My ancestors.” 

Elder Foster smiled and agreed. 

When the temple president entered, I was surprised when I wasn’t interviewed, but quickly set apart as an Office Worker. I was then sent off to meet the rest of the office staff, including the recorder and the assistant recorder.

That was in 2016. It was another year and a half before I was prescribed a wheelchair for a reaction to an antibiotic. Subsequent recurrent episodes of pneumonia and bronchitis made me leery of attending Sacrament service during the winter months. My granddaughters and I were attending Church in the same ward for the first time in my church membership, and yet I began feeling estranged from my ward family. 

I long to return to the temple. I’m a single woman. I feel the power of the priesthood President Nelson talks about when I’m in the temple performing service. It is the ONLY place where my priesthood service is recognized and requested. 

A multiple trauma survivor with PTSD, I previously found that service in the temple brought me peace. When I lost the physical ability to dress and undress myself, I worried how I could manage in the temple. 

About a month after my powerchair was delivered, my bishop asked me how I get in the door of the church. He had noticed that the doors of our meetinghouse, which is also the stake center, had no access button. 

I answered I wait for someone to open it. After reflection, I mentioned I was concerned and didn’t feel that it displayed an attitude of “welcome” to the public who come to visit.  The bishop agreed and stated he would mention it to the stake. I continued, asking about an accessible ride to the temple for this Temple and Family History Consultant. He answered that he would look into it.  

The Seattle temple is several hours away by public transit. I don’t have a health care assistant who is a Church member to help me dress. I can’t be dressed by people who don’t understand my condition. 

I do my best to get to church on Sunday. I don’t go often due to illnesses. I spend my Sundays with my ancestors on FamilySearch. They have an eternal perspective; I’m working on mine. 

Bio: Following Maggie Slighte’s baptism into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in 2013, Maggie finished her Bachelor degree. She is currently working on her Masters of Fine Arts in Creative Nonfiction Writing and finishing her first book, The Car That Ran on Prayers. Her author website is MaggieSlighte.com and her testimony can be found at SisterMaggie.com.

#EqualAccess Series Guest Post: Listen up! It’s time to listen to disabled members of your congregation.

by Megan McLawsome

This post is part of The Exponent’s #EqualAccess Series. Disabled voices rarely get a chance to speak for themselves, but this blog series seeks to eliminate the stigma that disabled people are less than, and need a representative to speak on their behalf. This blog series is intended to break stereotypes by gathering the voices of disabled individuals. #DisabilityExperience

In the image below, the author stands in a forest and smiles at the camera.

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When I was in elementary school I had a device called a FM system that I used to hear my teachers in school. I remember asking my mom if I could use the FM outside of school, like at church. Since the FM was owned by the school, I couldn’t bring it home. But the following weekend was the first and only time I got to use the audio-device provided at church for hard of hearing people.

It was connected directly to the microphone in the chapel so I could better hear what was being said in sacrament meeting. The headphones didn’t fit my head as I was a kid and the device was meant for adults, so I didn’t use it again. 

When I was 17 I had surgeries that improved my hearing, my loss went from severe-moderate to moderate-mild. 

Still, hearing is hard. 

I never participate in Sunday School in my ward, it’s held in the gym which is the best option to include everyone now that there is only one adult Sunday School. But even with the teacher wearing a microphone, the acoustics make it difficult to hear, and I can never hear class members unless they are right next to or behind me. 

Having a hearing loss is only one aspect of my experience as a disabled person. I have roughly 15 diagnosises between disabilities, birth defects, and chronic conditions. These include a hearing loss, cleft lip and palate, vision issues, endometriosis, and mental health issues. These experiences make up my daily life; they are inseparable and cannot be compartmentalized. 

The response from my peers at church and my church community have varied. I was asked to share my story with a leader to be used in a devotional my last year of Girls’ Camp, I agreed. I now regret that decision. I was used as “inspiration porn.” Inspiration porn describes stories of disabled people who “overcome” their disability to live their life normally or do something cool. It uses the experiences of disabled people to benefit abled people, often while speaking over and/or silencing disabled experiences.

That summarizes the generalized response of Latter-day Saint Church members towards disabled people. 

We are held up as inspiration for its members, but our needs and input are often ignored. If a disabled person shares their experience, their real experience, which is often uncomfortable and sometimes even painful, is certainly not inspiring. This dialogue is quickly shut down with primary answers, “read your scriptures more, pray more, have more faith, go to church.” 

This is harmful; it robs disabled people of a voice to be included in the church community, and for those who are louder than uncomfortable pleas of “pray more” are inadvertently shunned from the community. 

The Gospel of Jesus Christ invites all to come unto Christ, and that is what keeps me active. However, the Church as it is on Earth today tells a different story. Many church buildings are not accessible, and they are exempt from following may ADA laws. The temples are also exclusive and inaccessible to many disabled members. There are some token efforts, such as ASL interpreters, or the occasional wheelchair accessible bathrooms, but there is a lot of inconsistency and gaps in filling the needs of disabled members. 

In terms of community, the most important thing Church members and leaders need to do is listen to disabled members. Listen without offering advice, insight, or experience. When a disabled person is struggling, mourn with those that mourn. Ask disabled people what their needs are. Never assume you know their needs or what’s best for them. Lastly, never ever assume you know who is or is not disabled, be an ally to disabled members, even when you don’t think they are around. Encourage others to be inclusive. 

I have hope that with awareness, and with some active efforts to rectify gaps that are exclusive of disabled members, we can come closer to creating a church that resembles Christ’s gospel. 

Bio: Megan McLawsome is a commissioner for the Equal Access Commission and recently graduated with a degree in Public Health. She enjoys playing harp and piano.

Subscription Raffle 12/7/19

Welcome to the 2019 Exponent II subscription drive! Every day, we are randomly selecting a name from the list of people who have subscribed or bought a gift subscription for someone else between November 26 and December 24. The item we are giving away tomo[image error]rrow (for subscriptions purchased today) is a limited-edition print of “Headmistress Harpie” by Exponent II Art Editor Page Turner. The print is 8×10 inches and shrink wrapped on a foam core board, ready to show off in your favorite place.

You can subscribe at our online store her. Subscribing to Exponent II is the best way you can financially support our entire organization. Thank you for being a part of our community.

#EqualAccess Series Guest Post: Happy Birthday to an Autist

by Mette Harrison

This post is part of The Exponent’s #EqualAccess Series. Disabled voices rarely get a chance to speak for themselves, but this blog series seeks to eliminate the stigma that disabled people are less than, and need a representative to speak on their behalf. This blog series is intended to break stereotypes by gathering the voices of disabled individuals. #DisabilityExperience

The image below is a black and white photo of author (medium length dark hair), holding a locket with her arms partially folded.

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Autism is often an invisible disability, and since my diagnosis in 2017, I’ve struggled a lot to unlearn the autism phobia and hatred that is part and parcel of everyday living in our world, including within Mormonism. I struggle with people who assume that neurotypical social interaction is the only “human” or “divine” way to interact with others and who impose on me both expectations that I act “normal” because that is what is “right” and who refuse to accept my differences while also insisting that I must accept their way of thinking and acting as always appropriate. They tell me in a thousand different ways that what is my default is wrong and is to be corrected and that I lack empathy when, in fact, they refuse to see my emotions or empathy because I express them differently (i.e. not with the same facial expressions of body language that they expect).

Because I’m what many would call “high-functioning” or “Asperger’s,” I’ve been able to “pass” or to “mask” my autism for much of my life. The cost of that has been tremendous: headaches, self-hatred, inability to leave the house, social anxiety and more. But let me start here with a quick list of the symptoms of autism I see in myself.

Weird sense of humor/lack of sense of humorA host of sensory issues from clothing to lights/sound to pickiness with foodExcessive precision with languageLack of understanding of social cues (I’m not trying to be obtuse or rude, but I read this way)Perception of me being “cold” socially, often related to lack of facial expressionA tendency to take things literally—to not understand social communication (the result of this is often eye-rolling and people insisting I’m deliberately misunderstanding)Inability to see/understand body language (it just looks like a lot of arm flailing to me)Lack of social reciprocity in speech (this means people think I monopolize conversations)Intense interests that are considered socially odd (from Star Trek to Ironman for me)Clumsiness or other lack of sense of oneness between body and mindWomen who appear masculine, men who appear feminine—a general lack of proper gendering. (especially difficult within Mormonism’s language about men and women having different, god-given, “natural” roles and the policing of women’s bodies in the actual church building to include skirts, dresses, hairstyling, makeup and more)Extreme introvertedness and/or social anxietyList-making or related OCD behavior

Just to make this easier to see in a concrete way, let me point to a simple custom that we have culturally and that extends to Mormonism (although there’s no particular religious reason for this): the birthday.

I hate birthdays. If you’ve ever listened to Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory opine on the topic of gifts, and how a gift is just an obligation, you have a sense of how I feel. And also how ridiculous it sounds (cue laugh track) when I try to explain to people that the best gift they can give me for my birthday is no gift, and also, please, pretend that this day doesn’t exist. Don’t mention it. Don’t wish me Happy Birthday. Don’t give me any attention please. That kind of attention makes me acutely uncomfortable. 

I am always sure that I am supposed to put on a performance of some kind for my birthday, a performance of gratitude and happiness. I do not care to put on social performances in any circumstance, but in the case of birthdays, the stakes are high. Everyone is staring at my face, which I cannot get to make the right expression. I will always look angry, even when I’m not. And if I am angry, then that’s not allowed.

When I had been married about ten years, my in-laws gave me a gift of a big basket of perfumed products from Bath & Body Works. I was so confused by this gift. I literally cannot think of a gift that is less suited for me. Not only have I never in my life used  perfumed products, but I detest them so much that I avoid the part of the mall that store is in because the smells are so toxic (sensory sensitivity is a classic symptom of autism and this is one of the ways it manifests for me). I couldn’t even open the wrapping on this gift in my house. I had to keep it in the garage before I regifted it to someone else. 

I understand that my in-laws were trying to buy me a neutral gift that “all women” would like. Yet  somehow, they had not yet figured out that I was very, very much not like all women in almost every way that you can think of. I tried hard not to be offended by this gift. I tried to take it in the spirit it was given. But this required a huge effort on my part, and again, it felt like an obligation and not a gift at all. The waste of money for token gifts is something else I don’t understand. Why not just give a card? I could get behind cards. Cards have words on them. I tell my kids to give me cards on Mother’s Day instead of gifts. I don’t like surprises. I don’t like dead trees from wrapping. I could go on.

My husband lectured me at one point about how I was setting a bad example for our children. We should be teaching them to say “Thank you” anytime they are given a gift, whether or not the gift is something they like. This is the socially correct thing to do. And yes, I am aware of that. I’ve been doing it for most of my life. But I suspect that the burden of doing this act that feels like it annihilates my soul is more taxing on me than it is on other people, and that the attention of birthdays is enough of an exchange for other people to still enjoy the ritual. But for me, the attention just makes it worse, sure as it is to lead to me being uncovered as autistic and “not normal.”

I remember at a visiting teaching interview, I was asked to make a goal for the next year of remembering the birthdays of the ladies I visited. This was very difficult for me to do because I hate it when my visiting teachers do this for me. I’m well aware of the fact that my visiting teachees may have a different experience with birthdays (I’m capable of empathy, you see), but I suspect I’m the last person who should be asked to do this because I’m likely to do a terrible job of the whole thing. Should it be a surprise? Should I ask what they want as a gift first? And on and on.

These days, I know that my Mormon ward will inevitably do something about my birthday. Every time I almost figure out how to explain that I prefer no birthday remembrance in Relief Society, the Presidency changes and there’s a whole new group of people I have to explain it to. This is complicated by the fact that many women perceive my protestations to be typical feminine modesty about not wanting a fuss, though it is not at all the same. But it would take a book to explain this and I’m still not sure they would believe me. 

Relief Society at church will make me stand up (with people staring at me)—another social performance for me to fail at. Then there were will be more  opportunities for me to fail as random people say “Happy Birthday” to me throughout church, and I’ll have to figure out what performance they want. Probably a smile and a “thank you.” Will that be sufficient or will I be expected to make small talk about getting old, as if that’s something that I care about?

There will be a gift in church from the Relief Society, too. If it were just a consumable like chocolate, that would be one thing. But it’s more often some kind of handmade spiritual reminder. A piece of wood that’s been painted with a scripture on it or something. Like, here, it’s your birthday, so we wanted to take the time to tell you that you’re not working hard enough at being a Mormon. Yeah, why do I hate birthdays again?

If you work in Primary, they’ll make you stand up with the little children and be sung to. All the eyes in the room on you. Again, I’m expected to be a “good example” of how to act when it’s your birthday. Why can’t I just take the day off from social performance expectations and just be myself? That would be a really nice birthday, let me tell you. But that is not what birthdays are.

Birthdays are another reminder of how I’m not neurotypical and never will be, and that trying to explain what I actually am is ignored in the “greater good” of telling me that God is neurotypical, an extrovert, and that it’s OK if I’m “disabled” now, because in the next life, I won’t be me anymore. I’ll be fixed and all my autism will be taken away and isn’t that wonderful?

Bio: Mette Harrison is the author of The Bishop’s Wife mystery series, The Mormon Sabbatical Podcast, Princeton PhD, fiction editor at Exponent II, and an autist.

Subscription Raffle 12/6/19

[image error]Welcome to the 2019 Exponent II subscription drive! Every day, we are randomly selecting a name from the list of people who have subscribed or bought a gift subscription for someone else between November 26 and December 24. The item we are giving away tomorrow (for subscriptions purchased today) is an Exponent II tote from our most recent retreat.

You can subscribe at our online store her. Subscribing to Exponent II is the best way you can financially support our entire organization. Thank you for being a part of our community.

#EqualAccess Series Guest Post: Not So Safely Gathered in …. Abandoned, Overlooked, and Misunderstood

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The image above is a life-sized bust of bound woman of African descent, looking defiantly away from the audience, entitled Why Born Enslaved by Jean-Baptiste Carpeaux, modelled in 1868 and carved in 1873.

By Melissa Malcolm King

This post is part of The Exponent’s #EqualAccess Series. Disabled voices rarely get a chance to speak for themselves, but this blog series seeks to eliminate the stigma that disabled people are less than, and need a representative to speak on their behalf. This blog series is intended to break stereotypes by gathering the voices of disabled individuals. #DisabilityExperience

The images displayed in the Ensign, Come Follow Me materials, and Church media generally depict the same redundant images: a cis-gendered, able-bodied heteronormative Caucasian family with 2.5 children. Even the Church-approved media reflecting the history of the Church and scriptures stories erase culture and appropriate false images.

As a Queer, Disabled, Person of Color, I am not part of this narrative. There is no story or place written for me in the Great Plan of Happiness. In a previous post, I discussed how race impacts my world including my religious experience.

Today, I want to bring to light another aspect of my intersectionality: Being a disabled person among the able-bodied community of the church. This is not a Public Service Announcement (PSA) for having better egresses, accessible parking lots, and adaptive equipment. We can all agree that the Church and society at large can do much to improve in these areas.

What I am requesting from Church members is much more than becoming in compliance with ADA laws or local regulations. I am asking for more than teaching children to sing “I’ll walk with you.”  I am asking for a change in thinking because we all deserve so much more. I am calling for the Church and its associates to reconsider the narratives they are sharing. I am calling for everyone to look around and listen for the voices you cannot hear.

Ask yourself : Are we are all safely gathered in or only those who have “met the requirements” in some way “earning” the right?

It is not a privilege to be accepted. It is not a privilege to be heard. It is not a privilege to stand in holy places. It is the right of every person who is born to be loved, accepted, and worship just as they are.

In that spirit, I offer the following food for thought with the invitation to not only be better and do better but to feel better.

1. Love yourself! So often, we beat ourselves up for all the things we are not doing right. Somehow, we equivocate our righteousness with our perfection. This is actually the opposite. It is through our imperfection that we learn to love more fully and to experience empathy for others. Our job in this life is to build on these moments and in turn become advocates and allies for those who are marginalized.

2. Change the Narrative! We all have the power to change the story we have been given. We do not have to sit idly by and allow others to dictate what what we know is wrong. It only takes one person for a movement to grow. Why not let it begin with you? Educate yourself and your families about disabilities including the ones you can’t see. Get to know someone in your ward, neighborhood, or work who you feel you have nothing in common with. You will be surprised what happens when people work to build bridges instead of tearing them down.

3. Paint a different Picture! One of the most difficult things I had to learn to do was to paint a different picture. As a young person in the LDS Church, my life was mapped out for me. Who I should marry, where I should marry, what my life’s goals were, and the list goes on. For a long time, I lived a “paint by numbers” life. I just followed along, creating the image of the Church and world laid out for me. I have come to realize that each of us has the beautiful and life-changing opportunity to paint our own unique pictures. Our pictures in reality hang in a great gallery called life; we paint our our pictures as our story is told. The more our story is told, the more we realize that we are more alike than different, but those differences are just as beautiful and powerful.

4. Time is the greatest teacher! It is often said that the most valuable thing we can spend on children is time. The most valuable thing we can spend as a society is time. I would like to invite you to take control of your time instead of it controlling you. Are you making time to live your dream? Are you making time to learn more about others? Are you making time for self-care? Are you making time for you? I think one of the most dangerous narratives is that we are supposed to sacrifice everything in order to demonstrate our devotion to God or our higher power. I cannot believe that any higher power would want us to sacrifice our mental health or limit our ability to love to achieve our goals. I believe the best way to serve others is to build ourselves up first. Only then can we truly love and have empathy for others. Don’t believe me? Just give it time.

I hope that as you read this food for thought, it is digested in your spirit and stimulated your soul. While issues that we face today have much to do with laws, regulations, and politics, it goes beyond that. The issues we face today are because we have become complacent in our actions. For the majority of us, we can simply shut off the TV, scroll down our newsfeeds, or tune out the suffering of others. To those with the privilege to shut it out or turn it off, I ask: Will you join my fight? Will you stand with me when others say you should not? Will you amplify my voice?

Truthfully, this is a privilege I don’t have and will never want to have in this life. As person marginalized in so many ways, I want to stand with those who still must sit. I want to wash the tears of the broken and rise up against inequality in all forms. It is my life’s mission and what the heart of humanity is all about. Martin Luther King said, “There comes a time when Silence is betrayal.”  Let us be silent no more.

I beg of you please do not just sit idly by. Please do not just walk with me. Please have the courage to help me stand-up when everyone else around me has knocked me down.

Bio: Melissa is a favorite guest-post writer here at The Exponent. You can read her work here and here.

Subscription Raffle 12/5/19

[image error]Welcome to the 2019 Exponent II subscription drive! Every day, we are randomly selecting a name from the list of people who have subscribed or bought a gift subscription for someone else between November 26 and December 24. The item we are giving away tomorrow (for subscriptions purchased today) is an audiobook copy of our own April Young Bennett’s book Ask a Suffragist.

You can subscribe at our online store her. Subscribing to Exponent II is the best way you can financially support our entire organization. Thank you for being a part of our community.

#EqualAccess Series Guest Post: Equal Access for Those with Mental Illness

This post is part of The Exponent’s #EqualAccess Series. Disabled voices rarely get a chance to speak for themselves, but this blog series seeks to eliminate the stigma that disabled people are less than, and need a representative to speak on their behalf. This blog series is intended to break stereotypes by gathering the voices of disabled individuals. #DisabilityExperience

By Annie

The image below shows a green door bolted shut and locked with a large padlock.

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I returned from serving a mission early due to a struggle with my mental health. My mission president made it very clear to me when I was struggling that I was to follow every rule and no accommodations would be made for me when I was struggling. The weight of those rules made me even more unhappy. With my mental illnesses sleep is a very important tool to help me be more stable, but I wasn’t allowed to go to bed early or late, I couldn’t take naps in the car while my companion drove, all sorts of things. I eventually was sent home, but I think if my mission president had made accommodations for me (I know of some missionaries who were allowed to call parents and take breaks when needed) I might have been able to stay.

My mission president was a former doctor who had treated people with depression and anxiety, but he said and did things and added more rules which made me feel worse. (I was to call him every night, he told me if I went home my family and my ward would be disappointed in me, each conversation we had just made me feel more anxious and ashamed about my mental illness).

When my mission president sent me home he told me he had already contacted my local leaders about me being a temple worker. I had always struggled with the temple as a patron but not nearly as bad as I did as a temple worker. They expect you to be able to participate in ordinances with patrons by the end of your first day. There is no down time or private spaces to go other than the bathroom. When I asked to not be stationed in initatory as I suffer from claustrophobia and because learning the ordinance was too much for me at that time, I was judged and constantly pushed to do it. I did it once and I had to leave because I was having a panic attack from being with four other women in a very small room. I remember crying in a bathroom stall in my temple clothes thinking “I am in what I have been told my whole life is the most peaceful place on Earth and I cannot feel peace, what is wrong with me? If I can’t feel peace here, can I feel peace anywhere?” Very little explanation is given to new temple workers, you are just expected to know you way around and follow all the rules that aren’t well explained. I have chronic knee pain which means sometimes I need to be able to sit, but there is a rule for temple workers that you cannot sit when there are patrons around, and in most positions no chairs are nearby. I would be expected to stand for two hours straight before I could even walk somewhere else. I was scolded by multiple male temple workers who didn’t know me for sitting outside the naming booth when my knee was making it near impossible to continue standing.

I no longer attend as a patron because during the endowment or initiatory you can’t leave and return, which I need to be able to do if I need to ground myself in order to stop an impending panic attack. It’s difficult to explain to people that I have let my temple recommend expire not because I am unworthy but because the temple is not accessible for me. I tell people how anxious I feel there and they tell me that it can’t possibly be the temple or the Church’s fault, it must be something I’m doing wrong because the temple is meant to be peaceful and heavenly. For me it is not. I have even been told that my anxiety must be related to a sin I haven’t repented of that makes me unable to feel the peace of the temple because I am unworthy of it. For a time, I believed that even though there was nothing in my past that needs to be resolved.

As a temple worker I did see many wonderful things being done for those with disabilities. We had special instruction sessions on how to help patrons participate in ordinances no matter what kind of physical disability they had. But I think there is so much to be done in the Church and in the temple with regard to mental and intellectual disabilites. I also think that we need to make service in the Church and the temple accessible to all.

Bio: Annie served a mission in Toronto Canada in 2016, she was born in Utah graduated from BYU. She finds joy and peace in writing, yoga, and spending time with her cats and dog. 

Subscription Raffle 12/4/19

Wel[image error]come to the 2019 Exponent II subscription drive! Every day, we are randomly selecting a name from the list of people who have subscribe or bought a gift subscription for someone else between November 26 and December 24. The item we are giving away tomorrow (for subscriptions purchased today) is a copy of our own Lisa Hadley’s just-published book, Irreversible Things.

You can subscribe at our online store her. Subscribing to Exponent II is the best way you can financially support our entire organization. Thank you for being a part of our community.