Exponent II's Blog, page 185

Relief Society Lesson: Your Great Adventure by Elder Uchtdorf

[image error]by Maya

I started out this lesson with a brief synopsis of The Hobbit. You can quote Elder Uchtdorf here, or your own summary. I said something like, “Hobbits are little people who live underground, eat 6 meals a day, and prioritize the simple comforts of life. Bilbo is a hobbit who is tricked into going on adventure to defeat a dragon, Smaug to help the dwarves regain their mountain.”

Elder Uchtdorf draws the parallel between Bilbo’s great journey and our own: the journey to come to Earth and make it back to our Heavenly Parents. The first step in our journey is to incline our hearts to our Heavenly Parents.

Question: We know the Primary Answers. So thinking beyond the basics, what are other ways we can incline our hearts to our Heavenly Parents?

Answers might include service, surrounding ourselves with other seeking people, and asking for help

Elder Uchtdorf goes on to say that we’re going to need other people to help us on our journey (and to help them in return). To me, this idea is the meat of the lesson.

Our church is kind of uniquely organized into ward units, which we sometimes refer to as a ward family.

Question: How does being organized into wards affect our discipleship?

Answers might include that it gives us other people going on the same journey that we can build relationships with, teach and learn from. It also gives us long-term service opportunities, and the opportunity to practice conflict resolution (as a sister in my relief society pointed out, just like with other family units, you’re going to have disagreements within a ward family and need to figure them out).

While here on Earth, we need to learn to love as Christ did, and the Pure Love of Christ is charity.

Question: How can we practice the Pure Love of Christ in our ward? What about in our communities?

Answers might include no judgement, serving without fear, and actually serving in the community (and realizing that we belong to multiple types of communities). With the last, I mean that we can be rather insular in our church, and we need to realize that life is not about us going out and teaching “Them,” but that we can learn from and NEED to learn from all types of people. We need to leave our bubble and engage in meaningful service in the ways that other folx need, not just service we can do from within our church building.

Elder Uchtdorf talks about the importance of sharing our stories, and I interpret this to mean not JUST as missionary experiences.

Question: What are ways we can share our stories? How have others shared their stories with you?

Answers might include keep them relevant to the situation, social media, and local events

We are commanded to invite, but:

Question: How do we invite while still respecting boundaries?

Answers may include “No means no” (why is it that when it comes to church, members are so quick to think “no means try harder?”), be friends first: loving each other is more important than “bringing someone back,” and make invitations genuine, not a project. Also: listen to understand, not to respond.

Going back to this Hobbit metaphor, Bilbo got separated from his companions and went a different route. Some would say he was lost, but it was during that time that he came across The One Ring, which in the end is what helped him and his friends defeat Smaug.

Question: So, how might our adventure paths differ, even if we’re all trying to reach the same destination?

– Answers may include because we have individual relationships with God, we’re going to have individual journeys, and we need to not judge. What looks like “lost” to one person may be the next big step in someone else’s spiritual progression.

 

Perfect Picture,Broken Frame,Shattered Hope: Rebuilding your framework from the inside out.

As a child , my family and I lived in many rental properties each with similar decor. White painted walls sometimes with peeling paint , rugged holes from the previous tenants or the results of my childish curiosity. In one apartment,I sat against the wall without a chair  for nearly 45 minutes trying to disappear . As a result, I left the imprint of my buttocks in the wall.

 

My mother’s response to these holes,cracks and other temporal imperfections was to cover them with a picture . Most of them were without  frames,heavily taped and overcrowded the wall. In my mother’s perspective however,she had found a way to hide the ugliness of the  wall and to show off what was important to her.

 

After a period of time, some of these images began to fade,others would suck into the cracks behind it and  would roll off the wall exposing the ugly underneath. My mother would then quickly hang another picture to the cover the crinkled one. What resulted was an interesting collage of life- past,present and future all competing for space.

 

Recently, I began to realize that all of us in one way or  another is perpetually covering up ,hiding behind and attempting to deceive others into thinking we are perfect .  We have been fed messages from over the pulpit,in the media and among our social constructs that we must not ever let our game face show. Instead of authenticity ,we are are encouraged to show others an airbrushed life.

 

It is time that we stop allowing these messages to change who we are and who we are meant to be. It is time that we begin to peel back those layers and  to do the work to heal what is behind the perfect picture, broken frame, and to restore shattered hope. To accomplish this requires rebuilding a relationship with ourselves.

 

We are often told as women in society and at church that our duty is to serve others to show love for God or for our country.  Little emphasis is put upon self -love,self-care and rebuilding a relationship with ourselves. The reality is that we cannot give what we don’t have in the first place. The reality is that working on ourselves is not selfish but it is self-sustaining. As a B.L.S instructor, the first rule I share is YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON. 

This message is repeated several times throughout the course and I often have students ask why this message is so important. Students are encouraged to check for scene safety before proceeding. If the scene is not safe,they are instructed to find appropriate assistance and to change the plan .Just like in CPR,we cannot help others unless we are mentally ,physically and emotionally prepared . Otherwise,we are actually doing more harm than good. We are actually put ourselves and others in grave danger.

[image error]I have learned the following simple truths about self-love, self-care and rebuilding relationships.  I share these with you today with an invitation to remember YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON. 

 

Keeping up with the Jones  VS. Keeping up with me:

 

Social Media Accounts now have us pressured to show only the best side of life. That half baked bread or failed DIY attempt seldom reaches the public. It is rare that I see friends posting true emotions or  real life experiences. Not only are we keeping up with the Jones,we are keeping up with the Smiths, Browns and families around the world. All of this keeping up is keeping us down. No matter how hard we try ,we will never equal up to a false product. 

 

I have to realize that is more important to keep up with me. I need to ask myself : What do I need to recharge? Where can I take a step back?  Why do I struggle to say no? Who can I ask to support me? What am I doing to process my feelings of inadequacy? How much time am I setting aside to work on keeping up with me? 

 

Self -Care is more than bubble baths, days at the spa and binging watching television. It includes asking yourself these questions and doing an honest inventory. It is knowing when to step up ,step down and step back. Self-Care is about keeping up with yourself in all aspects of life.

 

The more we can keep up with ourselves, the less we will feel our voids with keeping with the Jones …and the Smiths …..

 

Remembering the Restoration:

 

If you think I am referring to the white dude and the golden plates,think again. I am calling for each of us to remember that restoration is necessary process for healing. Restoration means returning back to order that which is lost. Just like when you restore  a photo or artifax,you must take away the “diseased material” and replace it. Within the 

church walls,there is this fallacy that we are beyond repair. That once we have “sinned” our personal restoration is permanently marred. In life there are leaders,followers and trailblazers. We will have the opportunity to take on each of these roles. It is not the role that defines us,but the experience we have on the road we are traveling. 

 

 We must replace this idea that once we have chosen a different way ,that we are lost. There are no left behind marks on a pegboard, no wrinkled dollar bills or left behind candy wrappers. We are only responsible for ourselves and cannot cause another person to abuse us. Those who choose to abuse are not free from the consequence and sweeping these things under the rug does not show our faithfulness . As part of personal restoration,we have the right (not a privilege) to place boundaries on others and separate ourselves from those who have harmed us.

 

We are not broken and in need of repair. We may be wounded but we are not broken . Who we are is enough simply because we are on this earth. We are great and this life allows us to grow into our greatness. Our restoration allows time to rebuild,rejuvenate and find joy in the journey.

 

Taking a Step Back and Enjoying the View :

 

So often,I am bogged down with deadlines,work assignments,trainings and the drama of daily life , that I forget to step back and enjoy the view. I have to remember to honor myself by remembering the good I have done and being present in the moment. I try to recommit myself to the experience by putting my phone away and engaging in conversation . Other times ,I recommit myself to the experience by calling an old friend and catching up just because. I often ask myself “ Are  you stepping back and enjoying the view or focusing on the next destination?”

 

Goal setting and planning for the future is crucial in our lives because it helps motivate us and provides a pathway to success. However, we fill not find contentment and peace until we can take a step back and enjoy the view. We are more than our goals ,our future commitments or life’s plan. We are beautiful human beings who have the right to enjoy the here and now no matter what it looks like. We must not be afraid of changing that perfect picture to one  that speaks to who we are . It starts by stepping back,enjoying the view and be willing to change what no longer fits us.

 

Unlike in my mother’s home,we cannot simply cover up our the cracks, broken frames and shattered pieces of ourselves. We must build our framework from the inside out  in order to be whole. I have learned that we must be willing to expose our vulnerability in order for healing to begin. When we do ,we become our true authentic selves . As my true authentic self,I can truly soar because my wings are not clipped by any religious dogma or societal norm. After all, I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON.

 

Female Figures in Religion

Female Figures in Religion

Young Women Lesson: Why is Family Important?

by OraMalit 

[image error]It is suggested that the format for this lesson should be a conversation with the young women.

Suggestion on classroom setting:

Organize the YW in a circle. The family is an intimate topic and everyone has experienced it or lack of it.

Suggested materials to study beforehand:

Romans 8:16–17; Hebrews 12:9 (We are children of Heavenly Father)
Genesis 2:18–24; D&C 131:1–4; 138:48 (Gospel truths about the family)
Mosiah 4:14–15; D&C 93:40, 43, 48–50; 68:25, 27–29(Children learn the gospel from their parents)
“The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” Ensign or Liahona,Nov. 2010, 129
Carole M. Stephens, “The Family Is of God,” Ensign or Liahona,May 2015, 11–13
Todd Christofferson, “Why Marriage, Why Family,”EnsignorLiahona, May 2015, 50–53
Tom Perry, “Becoming Goodly Parents,”Ensignor Liahona,Nov. 2012, 26–28
“Family,” For the Strength of Youth (2011), 14–15
Videos:  “Families Can Be Together Forever” ;  “The Home Is a Divine Institution”

Section 1: The Importance of families

Ask the class the questions:

Question: What is a family?

Possible answer: a social and economic group of people who often but not always are biologically connected to each other and take care for the physical and emotional wellbeing and development of each other;       the most basic social intuitions on which all institutions of the society are based upon
It is advisable that the teacher also notes that there are many different types of families out there – grandparents who take care of children, foster families, adoptive families, families that struggle with infertility, families that have lost a child/children, single parent families and same sex partnerships. Even though the LDS Church does not encourage divorce and is against same sex partnerships, it is important to emphasize that in a free society where people come together in the social unit of family according to their believes and circumstances, all families should be respected. All these types of family units provide important care to its members and that is a social commodity that should not go un-noticed. All families are important in our society.


Question: What does a family look like?

In North America and Northern Europe, often the family is portrait as a small unit of a two generational family – parents and children. However, in the majority of the countries, grandparents, uncles and cousins are part of the close knit family. In many parts of the world, entire villages are organized around the wider definition of the family and each branch of the family has a role to play. For example, in many cultures around the world, uncles and aunts are more involved in the wellbeing and the future planning of nephews and nieces than in the Western cultures; grand-parents are the senior leaders of the family and keep peace and provide a vision of what the family should strive to achieve on important matters.
For the purpose of this lesson, because the LDS church believes that through temple ordinances it will return the hearts of the children to the fathers and mothers and vice versa, the wider definition of the family should be kept in mind as we discuss this topic.


Question: What are the functions of the family?

Possible answers: provides protection, ensures the physical and emotional development of its members, a social unit that shapes our language, communication, trust, provides us with history and traditions, etc.


Question: What are some of the benefits you have experienced in your life by simply being a member of your family?

Answers may vary

  Section II: Families can be eternal

Some points of discussion for this section:

All families are important in our society because they provide an enormous service and care to its members for which no government and no money/program can make up.
The LDS church believes that families are very important. The summary of our beliefs in the family are highlighted in the “The Family: A proclamation to the World”.Question: What are some of the ideas highlighted in this proclamation?


Highlight that the image of the family in the proclamation is an ideal one and not always reflects what happens in our society and in the world. All families, even the ones organized around the marriage between a man and a woman, vary in how they organize their lives and functions. For example, some fathers are stay at home dads while the mother is the bread winner. Each family is different and they all do what works best for them.The LDS doctrine teaches that families can be recognized eternally as a family by participating in the sealing ordinance.



Note to the teacher: here you can highlight some themes from the talk “Family is of God” by C. Stephans:



We were all organize in a family unit in our pre-mortal lives
Our Heavenly Parents sent us to earth to experience mortality and to be raised by parents.
We continue to develop and improve our relationships in the family in the next life as well.Families are a crucial mechanism for ensuring the happiness of people on this life and the next. As a result, Lucifer uses many methods to destroy it.

Question: What are some evil practices and traditions that jeopardize the happiness of families?


Answers may vary but they should be around domestic abuse, neglect, addiction, adultery, poverty etc.Question: How can the gospel and the temple ordinances be used by the members as shields from such practices?


Answers may vary. It should be mentions that these are practices that unfortunately are prevalent around the world and in our LDS community. Therefore, it is important to understand the Plan of Salvation very well in order to have a clear image of oneself and others in order to stand up against such abuses.Temple sealing doesn’t guarantee that the families will be perfect by through self-reflection, repentance and applying the atonement of Christ in our lives, we can become better people, better parents, better daughters and nieces and treat others with love, respect and understanding. That is what the gospel stands for – to remind us of this simple truth – that we matter, that the people that love us matter and that we can help each other to become better members of our families. Everyone is worth it of love and respect according to the gospel.

Question: How can we become better members of our families?


Answers may very:

Paying attention to what happens in every ones lives
Asking often the question “Does mom/dad/brother/sister/grandparent/uncle/aunt/cousin feel loved in our family?” and finding a way to make that person feel loved and understood continuously.
Being less selfish and understanding that everyone needs investment in the family and a balance for all should be found. Every member of the family deserves the resources that are available to the family such as time, money, education, rest, etc.
Contributing to our families with time, money, responsibilities etc.

 

Activity – Give a piece of paper to each girl and give them 5 minutes to write down ways that they can contribute in strengthening their families. Suggest to them to organize a family home evening in the near future where they can discuss ways of how each member of their families can contribute to the happiness and wellbeing of all family members.

Emphasize that through the temple sealing, our Heavenly Parents ensure that we will have a chance to have a good family in our eternities despite of our individual situations here on earth. Close the lesson by reading the quote below:

“Even so, everyone has gifts; everyone has talents; everyone can contribute to the unfolding of the divine plan in each generation. Much that is good, much that is essential—even sometimes all that is necessary for now—can be achieved in less than ideal circumstances. So many of you are doing your very best. And when you who bear the heaviest burdens of mortality stand up in defense of God’s plan to exalt His children, we are all ready to march. With confidence we testify that the Atonement of Jesus Christ has anticipated and, in the end, will compensate all deprivation and loss for those who turn to Him. No one is predestined to receive less than all that the Father has for His children.” T. Christofferson

 

OraMalit doesn’t like writing but loves reading. She loves good friends, poetry, trees, traveling, magic and music.  She is always up for a good laugh. 

 

 

The Truths We Need

[image error]Cover art by Megan Geilman.
https://worksoftranslation.com/

The following is the letter from the editor for the Winter 2020 issue of Exponent II. To subscribe, go here and order before January 20.

I wrote my first fanfiction when I was in seventh grade. That summer my friend Elizabeth and I fell in love with Jane Austen. Elizabeth gave me a book of Austen’s collected works for my birthday, and we watched the BBC Pride and Prejudice miniseries a dozen times. Elizabeth owned a word processor, something foreign to me at the time. Together, we typed out a story that involved all of our favorite Austen heroines coming together to go on an Egyptian archaeological dig.

Jade Sylvan posits that fanfiction is “inherently dialogical” because it involves someone taking concepts from the original author and translating or building them into something new and different (1). Elizabeth and I certainly felt as if we were a trio that summer, embracing our imagined sisterhood with Jane and grateful that our names were appropriate to the Regency period, even if our clothes were not. Sylvan also writes that fanfiction can be a creative way of forming the narratives that we seek. Fanfiction allows us to take something familiar and change the story. The results can be powerfully therapeutic. With fanfiction, “authors reimagine stories and texts to find the truths their communities need” (2). Rather than degrading, this kind of work strengthens the original text. Engaging creatively in this way propels our brains into new and revelatory places. In retrospect, I see my seventh grade story calling out for a narrative in which these heroines I admired went on the adventures that I craved. Caught between childhood and young womanhood, my budding feminism reveled in Austen’s words while imagining brave new possibilities.

For our annual writing contest this year, Exponent II asked women to reimagine stories of scripture in order to find the truths our community needs. Authors used a variety of methods and characters. Megan Linton wrote about Josie Smith in “That Lovely Morning,” imagining a spiritual seeker in the midst of a traditionally female domestic setting. In “Three Generations of Tamar,” Heidi Toth knitted together Tamar, the daughter-in-law of Judah; Tamar, the daughter of David; and Tamar, the daughter of Absalom, forming redemption through a shared name. In “Thy Sorrow and Thy Conception,” Eve faces another choice to live in paradise or actively help humanity. Reading that story made me love Eve’s unflinching wisdom more than ever. Anita Well’s beautiful prose in “Lift Up Your Heads” told about a much-needed additional female figure in the Book of Mormon, prompting me to reflect on how much women’s lives at that time were dependent on the choices of men. The winner of this year’s contest, Carmen Cutler, gave voice to an unnamed character of the Book of Mormon, Laman’s wife. Her story considers how the breathtaking power of the Divine may resonate very differently for a refugee woman than for a proud patriarch. In addition to seven fanfiction stories, this issue contains an interview with Mette Harrison, author of The Book of Laban and The Book of Abish; a sermon about faith by Tracie Lamb; a tutorial on how to begin writing your own stories based on women in scripture; and more. All of the art in this issue was created in response to the essays, forming an additional layer of interpretation and making this issue stunning and completely unique. In what is likely a first for Exponent II, we also have Molly Cannon Hadfield’s short story in graphic novel form of Dr. Martha Hughes Cannon meeting Anne Shirley at the 1893 World’s Exposition.

Taken collectively, the stories of this issue reveal important truths for the Exponent community. They speak of women receiving revelation and prophetesses who speak to God and lead their people. They speak to the effects of trauma and intergenerational healing. They tell scripture stories that offer a template for women on how to deal with hard choices. They show how the women in scripture—voices often ignored or passed over in our typical scripture study—have the potential to offer women brave new possibilities in their lives. Reading these stories helps me reimagine my life now and reconsider what I want my spiritual journey to be. We hope you enjoy reading.

(1) Jade Sylvan. “What the Gospels Share with Fanfiction.” Harvard Divinity Bulletin (Spring/Summer 2018). https://bulletin.hds.harvard.edu/what-the-gospels-share-with-fanfiction/
(2) Ibid.

2019 Exponent Blog in Review

[image error]by Sergio Cabezas, used under the Creative Commons license (CC BY-ND 2.0)

Happy New Year, everyone! It is my New Year’s resolution this year to do this review (I forgot last year! Eep!)

New Bloggers

We’ve had some new bloggers this year and last. Check out their posts!

Abby HansenAdelaHopeAmeliaChristensenElleKJody England HansenLMARisaTirza



Series of 2019

We’ve hosted a couple series of posts this year, in addition to adding posts to the RS and YW lesson plan series.

#hearLDSwomen, a series of posts about leadership needing to listen to what the women in the congregations are saying#EqualAccess, about disability and accessibility in the Church



Top 5 blog posts of 2019

Here are the 5 most-visited posts of the year by visitor stats!

5. Violadiva‘s The Harms of Projecting the Mormon Male Gaze Onto Young Women

4. Guest Post by N. Christensen, I’m not Celebrating

3. April Young Bennett‘s Lesson Plan: Beloved Daughters (The New Young Women Theme) by Bonnie H. Cordon, Young Women General President

2. Chiaroscuro‘s So You Want Me Back at Church?

1. Guest Post by Taylor, The Silent Pain of Mormon Women

Most commented-on posts of 2019

Which posts had the most engagement in the comments? Here’s where the chatter happened!

5. Guest Post by N. Christensen, I’m not Celebrating

4. Guest Post by Kathy Bence, Doctrinal Inconsistencies — Relationships, Sex, Sin

3. Violadiva‘s Toxic Mormon Masculinity: How Patriarchy Poisons our Men and Boys

2. Guest Post by Anonymous Re-defining My Relationship with the Temple Garment

1. April Young Bennett‘s My eleven-year-old son and ordination to the LDS male-only priesthood

I’d like to point out that 2 of the top 5 posts and 3 of the top 5 commented-on posts were guest posts. We love getting guest posts and they generate a lot of discussion! If you have something you’d like to share, you can submit it here! That also goes for lesson planss- if you are a Relief Society or YW instructor and would like to share your lesson plan based on a General Conference talk or the Come Follow Me manual, please do!

Subscribe to the Exponent II Magazine, join the Facebook group, follow us on Facebook, Instagram (also our art account!), Twitter, and Goodreads!

2019 Book List (with a very few 2018 for good measure)

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Did I originally mean to do this as a Christmas Gift Guide, Book Edition (with an Art Edition coming later)? Yes. Did I get it done in time? Obviously not. But, I’m still offering it here as a sort of end of the year book list.

This also isn’t an official Exponent list. Just a from me list. That means I might be missing things another Exponenter would have included or that you might have included. I’d love to hear your recommendations in the comments.

Guest Post: Another Mother

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By Amber

There is another forgotten Mother. The one who shelters our collective body outside the womb. A mother of multitudes and generations. The mother of lupine and sandstone and wilderness and wildebeest. A mother named Earth.

Moses wrote that God (the Father and Mother) “created all things . . . spiritually, before they were naturally upon the earth” (Moses 3:4-5). Their young came down to receive bodies—every herb and the tree yielding fruit. Great whales, winged fowl, cattle, and creeping things.

But in our lust for comfort and convenience, we’ve lost this animism. With every cheeseburger and plastic water bottle, we take this Mother for granted. Yet the doctrine of terrestrial stewardship echoes through the chambers of scripture:

And it pleaseth God that he hath given all these things unto man; for unto this end were they made to be used, with judgment, not to excess, neither by extortion. (D&C 59:20)

For it is expedient that I, the Lord, should make every man accountable, as a steward over earthly blessings, which I have made and prepared for my creatures. (D&C 104:13)

Thou shalt be diligent in preserving what thou hast, that thou mayest be a wise steward. (D&C 136:27)

A privileged minority consume the Mother’s reserves with audacity and abandon. We call it prosperity. If there is any regard for these verses in our daily motions, it’s buried beneath the rubble of cardboard Amazon boxes. Perhaps it’s because these words are so rarely referenced at the pulpit. We hear talks about how to define a neighbor, lessons on self-reliance, discourses on traditional marriage. And deafening silence on the devastation of our planet. 

The closest we’ve come was a recent Ensign infographic that compared the life cycle of the Earth to that of a human, indicating that the planet will eventually die and be resurrected. As climate activists protested around the world, the implication of this message seemed to be that any attempt to “save” the Earth would be futile. This faulty logic is persistent. I first heard it as a teenager and, in the two decades since, things have only worsened. A renewal has yet to arrive. And now I have children whose future depends on a forsaken planet. And I ache for them. For the heat and the hunger and the misery they will face because of my laziness and ignorance. I ache for the children who’ve already been forced to abandon their dolls and toy trucks and classrooms as they flee climate-ravaged homes.

Still, an edict to multiply and replenish the Earth marches on without much regard for the parallel necessity to preserve a place for these offspring to thrive. In a rare address from a church leader on the subject, Elder Marcus B. Nash stated, “it cannot be reasonably disputed that we depend upon this earth to sustain life, and that the quality of the earth and its environment will directly affect the quality of our life—and that of future generations.” 

But the notion of saving a whole planet is staggering, an oppressive weight bearing down on solitary shoulders. There are forces and institutions that tower like fortresses guarding the unsustainable status quo. In addition to legislation, the magnitude of change required demands collective action. And we are a people of action. A collective that professes the faith to move mountains. But we haven’t heard the call to arms. It’s barely a whisper.

These words are my disembodied voice, shouting from beneath the covers, desperate to amplify that whisper. To turn the hearts of the children to their Mother. To remember Her sacrifice for us. A plea for us to reciprocate and to reconcile. A call to place our excesses on the altar. For us to make some small sacrifice in turn. 

It’s been suggested that reducing our meat and dairy intake is the change that will make the most immediate individual impact. As a major source of greenhouse gases and cause of deforestation, those cattle and creeping things have a greater purpose than to crowd our plates at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Modern scripture is clearly supportive of this idea:

Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly. And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine. (D&C 89:12-13)

The revelation we refer to as a law of health also goes a long way as a loose blueprint for living in harmony with the Earth. Because of it, we’re fastidious in our avoidance of coffee. We shun drugs and alcohol. But we essentially ignore the rest. The part about eating seasonally, having temperance in our consumption of meat, and espousing a prevailing bias towards prudence. 

A disposition towards minimizing our impact on the Earth and all its life forms also means more biking and walking, less driving and flying; more cloth, less plastic; more wind and solar, less fossil fuels; more compost, less garbage. All of which will ultimately connect us more deeply to the Mother we call Earth. Until the day when we rejoice with the fir trees and the cedars of Lebanon, with our Mother and our children, that no feller is come up against them, that She can finally be at rest (Isaiah 14:7-8).

 

Amber is an avid slow-jogger and true crime junkie living in Northern California with her husband and two daughters. You can find more practical ideas on reducing your carbon footprint here .

Post Christmas Burnout : The Invisible Labor of Mrs. Claus

Christmas is ruined for me. Year after year, I spend countless hours trying to do it right, only to disappoint people and to leave myself exhausted in the process. December becomes progressively more and more stressful, and toward the end, the stress compounds hourly.

Expectations flood in from every side. Traditions demand to be kept. The kids want all the things that have ever been done in the past. Any one thing I can associate with happy memories and think, ‘no, we can’t get rid of that’. But all together, there are many straws breaking the camel’s back. By late December I can’t breathe. I can’t sleep. Hours after opening presents, I am hit with a massive cold or some other virus. My body just gives out.

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I like to sing Christmas carols. But many are bittersweet since my faith transition. Listening to Christmas music I sometimes wonder if it is worth passing on to my children. The lyrics of many songs are old fashioned and even weird. We play them almost daily, until we are sick of them. We play them when we wash dishes, and when we drive around looking at Christmas lights. We sing them, some children competing with others. One daughter is always racing through the 12 days of Christmas, to finish the verse before everyone else (no matter that I remind her the song is not meant to be sung as a round).

The kids always want to make treats. Especially at Christmastime. But it ends up being multiple times a week they need some supervision baking, and I am always the ingredient brain. I must know everything in the house at all times, even if someone else uses things up. And I must run out and buy anything they need. They want to make sugar cookies (the dessert from hell), the dough inevitably sticks everywhere and the shapes never look like they are supposed to. Then you ALSO have to make frosting and decorate them. They always look like someone finger painted with sugar. Then I am almost apologetic when the kids take plates to the neighbors. I myself gave up neighbor gifts a few years ago, trying to carve out sanity for myself.

The lights must be hung outside, off the edge of the roof. Even though my husband fell off the roof one year and broke his foot. Since then he sends the kids up there to do it, and my heart stops. The secondhand fake tree gets pulled out from the garage and all the old mismatched ornaments are hung. There is always at least one string of lights that doesn’t work, and hours are spent trying to find out which bulb went out and spoiled the whole string. Some kids want to cut snowflakes, some kids want to print Christmas pictures and color them or make Christmas crafts or ornaments for the tree. Some kids want to make gifts for their teachers.

Service opportunities abound at Christmastime, and there is a lot of pressure to remember the “true meaning of Christmas”. We contribute to the school food drive, and sometimes give ‘Angel tree’ gifts. We shovel walks for neighbors. We do secret service.

Christmas stories are pulled out of the box, and we retell old favorites. Many old copies of the nativity story are laid out alongside the toy nativity set. It is weird remembering how central this used to be to Christmas for me. I don’t always know how it fits now after my faith transition, but there it is. My grandfather was in town from thousands of miles away and he read to my children the nativity story from an anthology on our shelf.

This year instead of acting out the nativity, as I always did as a child, and my children used to do, the kids did a play of “The Grinch”. Perhaps a new tradition? But it made them happy to have us sit and watch them, and while they were preparing it bought us an hour to wrap.

Perhaps the most overwhelming of expectations I feel each December is the expectation of gifts. We are always on a limited budget and I want the kids to be surprised and happy on Christmas morning. It is so difficult to stretch my budget and find something each of them will love. At our house we do stockings full of small gifts (often things the kids need), and big gifts under the tree for every child, keeping in mind the likes and dislikes of each. I agonize over which gifts I am willing to bring into my home, knowing it will cost money AND clutter my living space. I have to balance that with the potential joy quotient of each gift for each child. Sometimes I hit the mark. Sometimes they end up disappointed.

Family obligations at Christmastime can be a big dinner, a party, a gift exchange, etc. I opted out of the family gift exchange last year and it made a lot of people grumpy. It disappointed people. My own daughter suddenly and unexpectedly left home last month, and we barely saw her over Christmas. Now I feel the weight of separation and the unmet expectation of family togetherness.

It’s funny how culturally, we have all these expectations coming at us from every side. Women especially feel like they are responsible to do all the things. Whenever we try to set boundaries or let things go, it has a steep cost because it disappoints people who want our free labor. Who expect and feel entitled to it.

I collapse after Christmas. This year hours after presents were opened, I felt a huge sore throat coming on. My sister’s family of 9 was over, and I was feeding them dinner. They didn’t stay late. I went to bed at the earliest possibility and am still fighting something. It doesn’t help that 2 of my children have birthdays in the week after Christmas. And I am also the birthday elf. I have started delegating some of the birthday magic, but I am already so empty, it doesn’t feel like its helps.

Every year I tell myself “Next year will be different!” I want to escape. I don’t want responsibility for any of the things. But by the time December rolls around again, I realize I am too weak to disappoint everyone so completely. And I become the Christmas martyr all over again. I hate it. I feel like a Grinch, like my heart is several sizes too small. But I am not coward enough to steal everyone’s Christmas and dump it from the top of a mountain. I don’t have enough faith in my family that they will still sing with joy when ‘no Christmas is coming’.

I wish Santa Claus would really come and magically fill everyone’s wish list. I would like to have a present under the tree for me. I would like someone else to take over all the things and make Christmas magical. I have used up all my magic. I just want to fly away and read on a beach for a week. Preferably on a hammock in the shade. With no kids, no husband, no relatives, and no expectations. Why do I feel such mixed feelings? Loving most of the things individually, but hating them all together.

Have you managed to reclaim Christmas? Found a way to fill your bucket and make it joyous? Have you disappointed a lot of people to save yourself? Tell me your secrets, sisters.

One eternal round.

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by LMA

December 2019

There are two poems in “I Gave Her a Name” that I often think of. The first is called “Lost” and describes some of the precious things Heavenly Mother has lost in her life. She knows the pain of losing a thing you need to survive and having to find a way to adapt to life without it, just like us (see p. 49 in “I Gave Her a Name). The poem reads:

Lost: The Mother has lost things precious to Her, too— hair ties, pens, chapstick, keys, favorite hoodies, bicycles, homes, cities, Her way, memories, clarity, lovers, love.

I didn’t realize it at first, but after reading the book a second time, noticed there was a sister poem to “Lost” called “Found” (see p. 76 in “I Gave Her a Name”). When I realized it, I cried at the intention and softness behind this pairing. It reads:

Found: The Mother found what was lost— hair ties, pens, chapstick, keys, favorite hoodies, bicycles, homes, cities, Her way, memories, clarity, lovers, love.

I have written on the blog in the past about my complex PTSD. By definition, complex trauma is chronic and ongoing and often happens in the context of important interpersonal or attachment relationships. As I have been in long-term treatment and recognized the severity of my trauma situation, I have been forced to make excruciating decisions about contact with my family of origin and my faith. This has brought forward a new wave of trauma and losses.

To me, one of the most comforting things about Heavenly Mother is that she embodies multi-dimensional and often opposing traits and experiences. This means that she experiences both profound loss and pain and trauma, but also that she herself experiences feelings and states of being that promote safety and comfort. This includes things like ease, contentment, feeling supported and loved, feeling safe (physically and emotionally), feeling assertive, feeling respected and protected, and setting boundaries. By extension, she also understands and has compassion for these multi-dimensional traits and experiences in us and is able to facilitate the things that help promote our safety and comfort.

For so much of my life for the last 4 years acutely (and much longer before that diffusely), I have been losing and losing and losing important and vital things to me – contact with my family and my primary attachment figure, the community and safety of a faith, a safe connection with God, having a clear purpose and direction. Often these wounds are so painful and delicate, it feels like if the air touches them, the skin of my body will rip and tear like tissue paper.

My therapist is one of the kindest, most supportive souls I know. When we discuss my trauma experiences, sometimes we discuss and remember that things are constantly evolving and changing. Even if I am experiencing profound trauma and pain and loss and feel mired down in that, she reminds me there is always the potential for growth and change.

In the most gentle and non-Pollyanna-ish way possible (literally – because I get very grouchy and sad and start crying when I’m in pain and we’re talking about trauma), our mantra is, “just because things are a certain way right now, that doesn’t mean they always will be.” Honestly, a lot of the time, as a trauma survivor, hope often feels like it goes against nature, and feels deeply untrue (because it has been). This mantra helps me hope that losing and finding precious things is a cycle that includes both of these components, not just trauma and loss. Loss and trauma are just one (often excruciating, awful, painful) part of the cycle – more comes after.

As human beings, when we’re in pain and we’ve lost something, it helps to even have a tiny seed of gentle hope or curiosity that things things will get better at some point, in some place. There is a part of me that wants to feel hopeful or curious that the next part of this cycle in my life will be finding things again. It could also mean feeling security in things that have already started to be found/built/nurtured or will be found/built/nurtured in the future.

These things include safety, boundaries, comfort, emotional intimacy, a place to be and a place to feel safe, friendship, fulfillment in my work, clear purpose and direction in a chosen faith community.

This does not mean I will find the exact people and things I have lost or remove the pain of these losses (see “When Things Break,” p. 170 in “I Gave Her a Name”). These wounds and this pain will always be carried with me. However, the hope is that there will be new growth, new additions, healing, new relationships, new people, new places, new direction and purpose, new contexts for safety, security, and ease.

If you’ve lost something precious to you, I hope that you feel a gentle kind of hope that somewhere, sometime, something beautiful and new and safe will grow – a cycle that goes on in one eternal round.