Exponent II's Blog, page 186

One eternal round.

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by LMA

December 2019

There are two poems in “I Gave Her a Name” that I often think of. The first is called “Lost” and describes some of the precious things Heavenly Mother has lost in her life. She knows the pain of losing a thing you need to survive and having to find a way to adapt to life without it, just like us (see p. 49 in “I Gave Her a Name). The poem reads:

Lost: The Mother has lost things precious to Her, too— hair ties, pens, chapstick, keys, favorite hoodies, bicycles, homes, cities, Her way, memories, clarity, lovers, love.

I didn’t realize it at first, but after reading the book a second time, noticed there was a sister poem to “Lost” called “Found” (see p. 76 in “I Gave Her a Name”). When I realized it, I cried at the intention and softness behind this pairing. It reads:

Found: The Mother found what was lost— hair ties, pens, chapstick, keys, favorite hoodies, bicycles, homes, cities, Her way, memories, clarity, lovers, love.

I have written on the blog in the past about my complex PTSD. By definition, complex trauma is chronic and ongoing and often happens in the context of important interpersonal or attachment relationships. As I have been in long-term treatment and recognized the severity of my trauma situation, I have been forced to make excruciating decisions about contact with my family of origin and my faith. This has brought forward a new wave of trauma and losses.

To me, one of the most comforting things about Heavenly Mother is that she embodies multi-dimensional and often opposing traits and experiences. This means that she experiences both profound loss and pain and trauma, but also that she herself experiences feelings and states of being that promote safety and comfort. This includes things like ease, contentment, feeling supported and loved, feeling safe (physically and emotionally), feeling assertive, feeling respected and protected, and setting boundaries. By extension, she also understands and has compassion for these multi-dimensional traits and experiences in us and is able to facilitate the things that help promote our safety and comfort.

For so much of my life for the last 4 years acutely (and much longer before that diffusely), I have been losing and losing and losing important and vital things to me – contact with my family and my primary attachment figure, the community and safety of a faith, a safe connection with God, having a clear purpose and direction. Often these wounds are so painful and delicate, it feels like if the air touches them, the skin of my body will rip and tear like tissue paper.

My therapist is one of the kindest, most supportive souls I know. When we discuss my trauma experiences, sometimes we discuss and remember that things are constantly evolving and changing. Even if I am experiencing profound trauma and pain and loss and feel mired down in that, she reminds me there is always the potential for growth and change.

In the most gentle and non-Pollyanna-ish way possible (literally – because I get very grouchy and sad and start crying when I’m in pain and we’re talking about trauma), our mantra is, “just because things are a certain way right now, that doesn’t mean they always will be.” Honestly, a lot of the time, as a trauma survivor, hope often feels like it goes against nature, and feels deeply untrue (because it has been). This mantra helps me hope that losing and finding precious things is a cycle that includes both of these components, not just trauma and loss. Loss and trauma are just one (often excruciating, awful, painful) part of the cycle – more comes after.

As human beings, when we’re in pain and we’ve lost something, it helps to even have a tiny seed of gentle hope or curiosity that things things will get better at some point, in some place. There is a part of me that wants to feel hopeful or curious that the next part of this cycle in my life will be finding things again. It could also mean feeling security in things that have already started to be found/built/nurtured or will be found/built/nurtured in the future.

These things include safety, boundaries, comfort, emotional intimacy, a place to be and a place to feel safe, friendship, fulfillment in my work, clear purpose and direction in a chosen faith community.

This does not mean I will find the exact people and things I have lost or remove the pain of these losses (see “When Things Break,” p. 170 in “I Gave Her a Name”). These wounds and this pain will always be carried with me. However, the hope is that there will be new growth, new additions, healing, new relationships, new people, new places, new direction and purpose, new contexts for safety, security, and ease.

If you’ve lost something precious to you, I hope that you feel a gentle kind of hope that somewhere, sometime, something beautiful and new and safe will grow – a cycle that goes on in one eternal round.  

#EqualAccess Series Guest Post: Embracing Disability

by EmilyCC

This post is part of The Exponent’s #EqualAccess Series. Disabled voices rarely get a chance to speak for themselves, but this blog series seeks to eliminate the stigma that disabled people are less than, and need a representative to speak on their behalf. This blog series is intended to break stereotypes by gathering the voices of disabled individuals. #DisabilityExperience

The image below is a photo of sun rays shining through the clouds, sparkling over an ocean. Islands in the background frame the picture.

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When I review and edit submissions for the magazine or the blog, I try to be an unobtrusive as possible when interacting with our writers. I have told myself that I don’t want to pry or make them think that their piece isn’t already so great.

I always thought that I was scared of putting my foot in my mouth and hurting their feelings or making them angry.

I learned in putting together this series, that I was also afraid of being called out, of doing something wrong. That fear gave me some blindspots into the presentation of this series.

When Kendra and I first worked on this series, I asked her
to find images to go with the submissions because I tried for a bit, and have
you Googled “disability” images? We either found inspiration porn or images
full of anguish and despair. We wanted real life examples.

Kendra was able to find a bunch, but as I started to load
them to the website, I realized the images were too small and looked blurry on
the blog.

Not wanting to ask her to do even more work (I am still
amazed that a first semester law student was able to put this together so
completely and professionally), I went to my usual spots for public domain
high-resolution images, and she also continued to look for images we could use.

And, I found some lovely scenes that I thought would be nice
accompaniments to the pieces. But, as I uploaded them to Google Drive, I had a
feeling that they weren’t the right ones.

Then, Kendra showed me her’s…She has a friend who also
noticed this problem and did a Creative Commons site for the kind of images we
wanted. But, mostly, she got pictures of the authors.

And that’s when I realized where my discomfort lay. I had
avoided using images of physically-disabled people. I had erased their images from
this series when I thought I was doing everything to amplify their voices.

I am grateful for the words of each of our authors, who have
shown me how to navigate the world with a disability. This series has made me
feel a little braver in embracing my mental illness.

I see Megan’s face full of joy, Mette’s proud and reflective
body stance, and Kendra and Topher’s wedding photo as they gaze into each
other’s eyes, and I remember the purpose of intersectional feminism and
Exponent II. We provide a safe environment where we practice being vulnerable,
saying what we need, and giving ourselves emotional self and communal care.

Like our #HearLDSWomen series, we intend for this series to
be ongoing, though no longer on a scheduled basis. If you have felt inspired to
write about what you need as a disabled person, please consider submitting to
the blog (exponentblog@gmail.com)
or magazine (exponentiieditor@gmail.com).

10 changes I hope to see next year at church

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Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

1. I hope they print scriptures that are gender-inclusive. I like what Nephi says about likening the scriptures to us, and this would be a great way to help achieve this. It can be distracting to read scriptures that seem to ignore you.

2. I hope they allow members the option of praying to “Heavenly Parents” or “Heavenly Mother.” Since Heavenly Mother is a Goddess, she deserves worship as well.

3. I hope they emphasize equal partners instead of gender roles. I hope it becomes common for women to call on someone to pray. I recently attended a ward activity where the woman in charge called on people to pray. I hope this becomes more common. Women need to be recognized as spiritual leaders.

4. I hope we get more female speakers in sacrament meeting. It’s not very empowering for women when most of the sacrament meeting is taken up by men. And on top of that, male leaders are usually the ones who speak at the beginning and end of the meeting, since they always conduct.

5. I hope a woman conducts sacrament meeting. I think this would be so empowering to see! I remember the time when a woman conducted devotional at BYU-I for the first time, and it felt so wonderful!

6. I hope they allow women to be in the Sunday School presidency. Since Sunday School is a class for both women and men, it doesn’t make sense that only men are in the presidency. Both genders should be represented. In addition, there’s no reason why a woman can’t be ward mission leader, since both women and men serve missions.

7. I hope they allow women to give blessings. Women used to give blessings in the early days of the church, and it was a most unfair thing when a man decided to take that away from them. All because he interpreted the Bible so literally.

8. I hope they stop always listing the husband’s name first on every church-related thing. This year they took out “head of household” from the directory, which is a very welcome change. But a trend remains that the husband’s name is always listed first in the directory and on FamilySearch. It would be better to list it in alphabetical order instead. Always listing the husband’s name first can give the wrong message that the husband is more valued or has more authority than the wife.

9. I hope they remove the word “preside” from the temple and from the Family Proclamation. It doesn’t make sense for that word to be there, since the Family Proclamation declares that two people should be “equal partners.”

10. While many female-friendly changes have occurred this year, there’s still more that can be done to improve women’s temple experience. I hope they allow women at the recommend desk. I also hope to hear a woman pray during the prayer circle in the endowment. There’s no reason why women can’t welcome visitors or pray in the temple.

Subscription Raffle 12/24

Welcome to the 2019 Exponent II subscription drive! Every day, we are randomly selecting a name f [image error] rom the list of people who have subscribed or bought a gift subscription for someone else between November 26 and December 24. The item we are giving away tomorrow–the last item for our raffle–is homemade granola from our own Emily Clyde Curtis.



You can subscribe at our online store her. Subscribing to Exponent II is the best way you can financially support our entire organization. Thank you for being a part of our community.f

Who Calls So Loud?

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1981, my first trip to London.

I saw the 8 ½ hour stage production, “The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby.”

This was an experience of great theater that changed my life.

One of the most compelling characters in the play is Smike – a beaten down young man, abandoned from childhood at a horrible, hellish school for boys in an isolated part of Yorkshire. He is literally bent and shrunken from the physical and emotional burdens of his life circumstances. The schoolmaster and his family have loudly called out to him the constant message of Smike being wrong, a waste, a burden. One of the phrases they teach Smike to recite is “O-u-t-c-a-s-t, outcast. Non-substantive. Me.” All this while they force him to work constantly in servitude to them.

Each day, when the mail comes, Smike asks hopefully, expectantly – “Is there anyone asking about me?”

No letter comes.

Then, not in the way Smike expected, someone does come.

Nicholas is hired as a teacher. He is appalled at the conditions there.

His words to Smike are not as loud in volume as those of the schoolmaster, but he is kind and caring. Smike hears this message calling out to him. He sees there is more to his life than one of crushing servitude, starved of hope and love.

Nicholas and Smike help each other escape. They seek life in new and unexpected places, finding hope and direction on paths that are theirs alone.

And messengers show up in surprising ways. They bring tidings of good news in the midst of despair.

One is the leader of a theater company. He hires Nicholas and Smike to join the company. Smike’s first part is as the apothecary in Romeo and Juliet. Smike tries desperately to learn his line, “Who calls so loud”, while Nicholas works hard to learn the part of Romeo, and to rewrite the play ending so that all who were thought dead are actually found to be alive (except Tybalt. Poor Tybalt). In the new ending, all the characters are resurrected and reconciled in a heavenly version of happy family life.

Nicholas and Smike continue their adventures and travels, and Smike continues to listen for the voices that call so loud. At one point, enemies of Nicholas seek to wound him by forging legal documents that would force Smike to return to the abusive control of the schoolmaster. These enemies paid a man to falsely claim to be Smike’s long lost father, now returned and insisting that Smike come with him so he can return Smike to his hellish past in Yorkshire.

This man says to Smike, “Come along, son.”

As Smike looks at him, he recalls his earlier recitation, “O-u-t-c-a-s-t.” He knows this is not his father’s voice.

And all the voices that once called this message to him no longer reach him. He is now listening to a different message.

He calls out, “NO! I won’t go!” and he turns to take shelter and refuge with Nicholas and his family.

He learned to listen for what calls him forward, for hope, for wholeness, for love, for the God in him.

Soon after, Smike’s body is dying of physical disease. Nicholas holds him in his final moments. Smike recalls with clarity his line, “Who calls so loud?” Then he tells Nicholas he does not fear death.

Smike assures him, “I’m going home. Who calls? Who calls so loud?”

And he responds to a voice that invites him to new life.

 

December, 2019.

It is Advent now.

A time of seeing that something important, something hopeful is coming.

Do I wait passively?

Or do I watch and listen actively?

In the Story, Mary hears from the messenger.

She is invited to bring the life of God into the world.

Like Mary, we can listen for how we are a part of the story. A story of divine grace coming among us.

Mary calls out – “My soul magnifies God. The growing presence of God is within me.”

She foreshadows the words of her child. He will call out, “The kingdom is within you. Heaven is here. Eternal life is now.”

Mary does not wait passively.

She moves forward.

And when Elizabeth sees her, she calls out.

“The God in me sees the God in you.”

There are others in the world calling loudly. “Not you. Not this way. This is not what should be. You are not what should be. You are outcast. You can’t have God in you.”

But Mary only listens for what calls her forward, to new life.

She creates her path to God, as she creates God within her.

It is Advent.

I hear many loud voices saying, “No. Not you”.

And… I hear other voices, inviting, calling.

I watch for hope.

I listen for love.

I move into new life.

I see God growing, grace by grace.

We are all trying to find our way home.

Who calls?

Who calls so loud?

 

 

Subscription Raffle 12/23

[image error] Welcome to the 2019 Exponent II subscription drive! Every day, we are randomly selecting a name from the list of people who have subscribed or bought a gift subscription for someone else between November 26 and December 24. The item we are giving away tomorrow (for subscriptions purchased today) is an audiobook copy of our own April Young Bennett’s book Ask a Suffragist.



You can subscribe at our online store her. Subscribing to Exponent II is the best way you can financially support our entire organization. Thank you for being a part of our community.

Sacred Music Sunday: Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus

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When I joined the church in 1994, there was a millennial fervor. Jesus was coming again, and though we didn’t know when, it was generally believed that it would be soon. It was an exciting time. The second coming had been prophesied for nearly two thousand years, and my generation was supposed to be the one to usher in the return of Jesus.

Then the year 2000 came and went with no fanfare, and a lot of the talk died down. There were a few local non-LDS churches in my area who would come up with predictions on specific dates based on extensive Bible study (but missing the verse that says that nobody knows the day or the hour). One of those predicted dates was the day of my law school graduation. I joked to my classmates that it would be just our luck that we finally make it through only for the world to end.

Although as a teenager I was sure that the second coming would be imminent, as an adult, I’ve come to a different interpretation. The earth is over 4 billion years old, and Jesus is said to have been born in the meridian of time, or somewhere near the middle. So I’m not expecting the second coming for another 4 billion years or so. Of course, since nobody knows the day or the hour, I remain open to being wrong on that.

But I do love the time leading up to Christmas because it reminds me of the anticipation of the second coming of Jesus. Just as we celebrate when He first came to earth, it’s a reminder that He will come again. When He came the first time, many people missed His arrival because He came as a baby in a manger instead of a warrior in power. We’re expecting Him to come as a warrior in power the second time instead, but what if our own expectations cause us to miss Him again?

Either way, just as I look forward to celebrating His first arrival in a few days, I look forward to His second arrival whenever He does come back. A hymn that gets at this duality really well for me is Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus. It’s another hymn set to the tune of Hyfrydol – the same music that’s used for In Humility, our Savior and Love Divine, all Loves Excelling.

Merry Christmas!

My Invisible Christmas

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By Anonymous

Do you know about my Christmas? What my Christmas was really like?

I have a pretty good idea about yours. Traditions of Cookies, letters to Santa, stockings, pajamas, and presents. An abundance of food and laughter, a little argument mixed in. There are plenty of books, movies, TV specials, and commercials about your Christmas.

My recurring holiday tradition is watching the anxious faces of my parents become more and more tortured as the days inched closer to Christmas. They tried to hide their sadness that they did not have money for gifts but I could always tell.

My Christmas isn’t glamorous, so you won’t see much about it on the Hallmark channel. I don’t see my Christmas represented in the media, except when used as an inspiration “feel-good” story for viewers.  You might see the main character of a Christmas movie press his face to my frosty window to get a glimpse of my Christmas. Seeing my Christmas will somehow help him realize that his life is not “that bad.” His Christmas finale will be undoubtedly cheery as he learns the “true meaning of Christmas” because my Christmas has given him perspective about “how bad other people have it.”

I am amazed at how you pour your time and money into charitable acts in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Even more, you still managed to have that big, beautiful, storybook Christmas day every year.  I noticed your house has four different fully decorated Christmas trees shining brightly through all the windows. Did you know that we did not have even one?  Yes, I saw there was no need for you to sacrifice or go without. We are so different.

Did you ever notice my mother crying as she combed the picked-over shelves for gifts at Wal-Mart late at night on Christmas Eve? She tried not to let us see the gifts she had placed in her basket, so we looked away to help keep her secrets.  It’s difficult to be excited about the gifts selected out of reluctance and desperation.

One of the hardest days of the New Year is returning to school and having to lie about my Christmas. Children are so excited to tell each other what they got for Christmas!  On my turn to share, it’s was easier to invent hypothetical possessions because confessing that a “box of oranges” was the highlight of the season was too hard to admit without crying.  Even worse was thinking that Santa must have skipped my house because I was “naughty” and undeserving.

When I comment, “I don’t really enjoy Christmas” and you reply with astonishment, “How can anyone not like Christmas?!” I feel sad and small. If you can’t see why anyone would not like Christmas, maybe that means you don’t see what Christmas is like for me.

When it comes to excusing how poor my family was, or how little we had, I heard you say “they don’t know any better” and “they have so little but are so happy.” I guess it’s too painful for you to acknowledge that I do know better and the “little” I have feels like a gut punch without fail every holiday season. How can you presume to know that I am happy in having so little? What other options do I have?  Perhaps you mean to say that happiness is not tied to possessions? That if someone like me can be happy, you should be happy automatically? You use my life of scarcity as an object lesson for how privileged people should be grateful. Claiming that happiness doesn’t come from what we have is entirely different if you’re the one with the abundance of possessions.

It’s funny how I can see you, and yet you never seem to notice me. I guess my face is lost to you in some sack lunch for the homeless or unwrapped gifts for various Christmas charity drives.

My Christmas is not found in any Christmas celebration. It’s a Christmas that is never talked about but is found in the hearts and homes of Children all across the world.  My Cratchit Christmas was used as a metaphor, an object lesson, the focus of ward service projects, but no ghosts of Christmas present ever came bearing gifts or food. Ignorance and Want were year-round members of my family.

Even as I get older, even as my financial circumstances change, I still continue to feel the gut punch of Christmas every year. It’s been built in like a tradition.

I carry my mother’s Christmas trauma with me. As I wrap up gifts for my children on Christmas eve, I feel guilt for my abundance. I second-guess myself and ask, “is it enough? Will they feel like Christmas is magical, or will they feel let down?”

As though being let down on Christmas is the worst thing to feel.

The expectation to make Christmas magical hurt my mom, and now it’s hurting me in different ways. It’s Intergenerational Christmas trauma. As a parent I ask myself, “Why am I doing this? Why do I think this matters so much? Is it good for my children to have one day a year where they are showered with gifts, or is it better that they’re provided for all year long? Am I overcorrecting? Giving them “too good” of a Christmas, setting them up with memories they feel they must live up to with their children? What if they saw more of the deprivation of my childhood, would they be more grateful?”

I try focusing the season on the Savior, on his symbolic disavowal of privilege, station and power. Sometimes it’s hard to see his followers failing to do the same.

How are you treating your privilege and abundance this season? How are you addressing want? Do your Christmas traditions grind the faces of the poor?

Subscription Raffle 12/22

Welcome to the 2019 Exponent II subscription drive! Every day, we are randomly selecting a name from the list of people who [image error] have subscribed or bought a gift subscription for someone else between November 26 and December 24. The item we are giving away tomorrow (for subscriptions purchased today) is a copy of Where We Must Stand: Ten Years of Feminist Mormon Housewives, edited by Sara Hanks and Nancy Ross.



You can subscribe at our online store her. Subscribing to Exponent II is the best way you can financially support our entire organization. Thank you for being a part of our community.

Subscription Raffle 12/21

Welcome to the 2019 Exponent II subscription drive! Every day, we are randomly selecting a name from the list of people who have subscribed or bought a gift subscription for someone else between November 26 and December 24. The item we are giving away tomo [image error] rrow (for subscriptions purchased today) is a copy of Shades of Becoming, a book of faith transition poems edited by Nancy Ross and Kristen R. Shill.



You can subscribe at our online store her. Subscribing to Exponent II is the best way you can financially support our entire organization. Thank you for being a part of our community.