Tracy Engelbrecht's Blog, page 8

Lessons from Mxit

Been live on Mxit for a couple of days (already have 109 111 users. Hey – it’s a start!)

Have had some conversations with users who send in messages and ask to be contacted via Mxit.

I’ve already learnt some things about where we should go from here and what’s needed.

1) Girls are asking for information about pregnancy itself – eg when do you start feeling the baby move, should I be worried etc. We don’t have this kind of practical pregnancy or parenting info on the website at the moment. I always assumed that it wasn’t necessary because it was widely available elsewhere so why reinvent the wheel? However, for whatever reason they are not accessing the info. They are coming to us for one thing, so we might as well provide everything they need to know. The same would apply to practical childcare and child development information. So we have a big job ahead of us of collating / gathering reliable information and getting it out there.

2) “I think I might be pregnant, but my period is not late yet, what are the symptoms”. I’m sure many women have been through the experience of wondering (or wishing) if they might be, but it’s way too early for any symptoms and even too early to take a test. This question is not necessarily about the FACTS of symptoms etc, but probably just reassurance, that yes it’s too early, no, there’s no way to tell yet, and yes all those other places telling you to take a test only once your period is late by so much – they are right. Confirmation of what they already know. Somebody to talk to about this huge THING in their heads that they probably can’t discuss with anyone else.

3) One which struck me was a girl who asked me – if she is pregnant, she doesn’t know yet – and she was going to have an abortion, would I go with her. That’s huge. That means that she’d rather ask a perfect stranger who she’s chatted with online for 10 minutes to go with her to this big event (not going to call it life changing or traumatic or emotional because for many people it’s not. still, it’s a big day) – than ask her mother, her friend, her boyfriend. That’s a sign of something very, very wrong. I understand the need for many people to keep it a secret, but they only need to do that because they know they can’t rely on those people to support them no matter what. That sucks. So – this is a problem. There must be many other girls out there who want someone to go with them and hold their hand.

Does anyone know of organisations that do this, perhaps? Is it already A THING? We’re going to have to look at it.

I’m very excited about the possibilities here. Anyone else have any ideas on how we can make it better?

To add us on Mxit, go to : Tradepost > REACH > Community > Young Mom Support or add youngmomsupport as a contact manually

Mxit & other news

News news news.

Three juicy bits of good news for us this week.

1. We’ve had a sewing machine and overlocker donated by the lovely people at  Square Deal Sewing Machines in Cape Town. These will go to Liezl Jeptha who is our resident talented seamstress mom. She is itching to get started as she’s got orders already. Thank you to Danielle Gottschalk – it means so much to us that you’re willing to help out in this way! Will post pics once we hand them over to her.

2. Have been invited to a speak at an under-resourced township high school in Fisantekraal by Peace and Love International (don’t you just love that name), talking about teen pregnancy. Am looking forward to this and am really honoured to be asked. More on this once it happens

3. Young Mom Support is on Mxit! It’s a work in progress. But we have added a mobi portal for Mxit users to be able to access Young Mom Support info and advice. For now, it’s like a mini website with static info about us, info on pregnancy during schooling, adoption, abortion etc.

The next step is to enable the 2 way communication so that users can send us confidential private messages and we can respond to them through Mxit. For now, if you are a Mxit user, just add youngmomsupport as a contact – you’ll be able to read our pages, comment  on the pages, take part in polls and read the weekly blog updates which I’ll make.

 In the next few days we’ll be listed on the Reach menu in the Tradepost (kinda like their version of an App Store). This will increase the visibility, and hopefully we’ll be able to reach many more people. 

If you’re a Mxit user – have a look and let us know what you think!

Mxit is doing some great work in getting useful, community-oriented information and resources – including live counselling – out there. Go and check them out.

So much yay!

 

 

 

Meeting photos: 23 Feb 2013

We tried to have a serious discussion. We were talking about rape in our communities, the why, the how, the who. The worry about leaving your children with anyone else – even someone you love and trust, even your husband. The sadness – unfairness – that you’re in a position where you have to wonder – even for a second – if the same thing could happen in your family. We’re all in the same position, regardless of who we are or where we live – none of the women feel safe or that their children are truly safe. It was interesting to see that the moms focus was on the safety of their children, and less so on the likelihood of being raped themselves.

As I said – we *tried*. However, there were some new toys in the toybox this time – drums and xylophones. So we were talking over a loud marching band of toddlers – seriously, this was the loudest meeting we’ve ever had. And MESSY. But awesome, as usual. Happy-making, despite the heavy conversation.

You should come. You’ll have fun.

Choices: adoption

When you’re faced with an unplanned pregnancy, the choices you’re faced with can be overwhelming. In all the stress and drama of the time, it’s often hard to access reliable, non-judgmental, impartial information. It often seems as though everybody has an opinion and will want to tell you what to do. Often they’re well-meaning, sometimes they want you to do things *their* way. Either way, this decision is one of the biggest you’ll ever make, and for some, it will be the hardest. We’ve spent a lot of time talking to young moms who are raising their children themselves – that’s what we’re about, after all. However, for those of you who’ve arrived here looking for advice during a difficult time (and my website stats say there are many of you) – I thought we should cover the other options as well.

Today we’ll talk about adoption. How does it work, what should you do, what questions should you be asking yourself  - will this be the answer you’re looking for?

In the end, whatever you choose – knowledge is power. Ask questions, make sure you understand all the consequences of your choice and go with what feels right for *you*.

 

Sharon Van Wyk of Trinity Heart, herself an adoptive mom, is here to answer some of my questions.

Please note that this is only for a South African context so if you’re elsewhere, the process may be different.

 

Q: If you’d like to explore adoption, who should you contact? Who is the first port of call? 

A:  Birth moms should start off by finding a social worker, some doctors may offer assistance in this regard but it is best to work directly with a social worker who will be able to counsel the birth parents, help them weigh up all their options and choose the best option for them.

All social workers will tell you that ultimately they are there to act in the best interests of the child and this is always to keep the family unit intact, so they will assist the birth parents in looking at their reasons for placement and try to find a working solution. If, for example, the reasons are purely financial, then the social workers that I’ve worked with, will even go so far as to help the birth parents draw up budgets and shopping lists to see if there is not some way first to keep the baby.

Q: If a mom has had the child but is not coping, and would like to explore adoption or fostering, who should she call? How is the process different from adoption at birth?

A: The birth mom should contact a social worker for assistance. If relinquishment is after birth, the process would still be pretty much the same. She’ll get counselling from the social worker and if she still wanted to proceed with an adoption placement she would then sign the first consent for relinquishment and the baby would be put in a place of safety or with kangaroo parents while the remainder of the process takes place.

Q: Does she need anybody’s permission to give a child up – baby’s father (whether married or not) or her own parents, if she is underage?

 A: If the birth father is known or involved, then he would need to give his consent also. If he is not involved, then the onus would be on the social worker to try to find him to get him to give consent as well.  If the birth mother is under 18 then one parent or legal guardian would be required to sign consent as well.

Q: What happens once she has made contact with the social worker and decided to proceed with adoption?

 A: Then she would receive extensive counselling to ensure that placing her baby really was something she wanted to do. The counselling happens over a period of time and would extend, for as long as she needed it, after the birth and/or placement of her baby.

Q: Under what circumstances may she change her mind?   

A: From the time of relinquishment and signing of the first consent and intent to place her baby, she would have 60 days to retract said consent and the process would be reversed.

 Q: Is there a difference between open adoption and “traditional” or closed adoption?  

A: Traditional adoption is known as a closed adoption. This is the most common form of adoption in South Africa. It means that from the time of relinquishment the birth mother would have no further contact with the AP’s (adoptive parents) and her baby, aside from letters & photos which the AP’s would send to the social workers who would facilitate the sharing of with the birth mother. Once a birth mother starts working with a social worker, it really becomes a lifelong relationship.

An open adoption is when there is agreed direct contact between the birth mother and the AP’s. This is usually a pre-determined type/amount of contact that would include agreed visits etc. The frequency would depend on the birth mother and AP’s and would be agreed to up front.  

Q:  What if she wants to make contact with her child one day?

 A: She could request for contact with the child once the child has past the age of 18. This also works in reverse. If an adopted child wants access to her/his BM, once they are 18, they can request that their adoption record be unsealed and a social worker would facilitate the tracing and meeting of BM’s and adopted child. Of course, depending on the AP’s, an adopted child could choose to find the BM earlier.

From my own experience, this is something I would be comfortable to do with Ava and her BM sooner. As it is, our adoption has moved from a closed adoption to more of an open adoption with our BM. We are now friends on Facebook and have started making the first tentative steps towards more openness.

 Q: What about private adoptions? Is there any such thing, is it legal? I.e. if a family knows she is exploring adoption, may they approach her directly to adopt her child? 

 A: When placing a baby/ child, a BM could either use the services of an NGO or Government organization or she could use the services of a private social worker. Both are legal and similar in process and all adoptions have to be approved by a board of social workers and ratified in the high court in order to be legal.  But private adoptions are as legal as government adoptions as they all follow the same legal process.

 Q: Is there support available for birth moms after adoption, if they feel it’s necessary?  

 A: Yes, the social worker would continue to work with our counsel the BM for as long as she needed it. All these costs are covered by the AP’s.

 Q: How much input (if any) does she have in the choice of the adoptive family? 

 A: If she chooses to use a private social worker, then the choice would be entirely hers. AP’s and BM’s are required to complete a psychometric test and are matched according to that. The BM would be presented with the profiles of all the AP’s who have matched with her and ultimately the choice would be hers as to who takes over the parental rights of her child.

 

Please contact the lovely people at Trinity Heart if you have more questions or need help.

Thank you Sharon!

 

Women with a plan

Big dreams are a good thing – but sometimes they seem too big to achieve. Where do I start? Who can help? What do I do next? For people with little access to outside information or friends with connections – these questions can be too big to answer – so you stop asking them. The dream never gets turned into a plan, and you’re stuck. Add to that the stress of every day life – raising children, working or looking for work, even finding enough to eat – all those things take priority over looking to the future.

Some of our moms are wanting to change that. Have a look at their dreams and their plans – maybe you can help?

In short, what we need for these ladies in particular:

1. Contacts for local markets / shops

2. Sewing machine, overlocker & fabric

3. Cash for stock – clothing

4. Help with driving lessons

5. Computer skills training

6. School supplies

7. Encouragement and support

8. Lots of people making a noise for our moms – help us get them noticed by those who can make a difference

Lindelwa

Lindelwa is an older mom who joined us for the first time last week. She's overcome the tragedy of losing her oldest son to violence. Now she wants to make a change for herself and her youngest son.

The plan:


Open a small business selling clothes in the local area - it has to be nearby to avoid expensive transport costs.
She needs to save up enough to buy some stock, and then she's off!

She says she's glad she's joined us because she found it hard to meet people she felt comfortable with











Lindiswa

Lindiswa is currently working part time as a home carer. She'd ultimately like to study nursing, but for now - she needs a better job.

The Plan:

She plans to get her driver's licence this year, as this will enable her to apply for a greater variety of jobs which will hopefully pay better.
First step is to renew her lapsed learner's licence, but then she needs money for proper driving lessons.

Once she has that licence - she believes that the sky is the limit.











Josephine

You all know Josephine!

She also plans to sell clothes, particularly underwear as she says that sells well. She's saving up R1000 to buy her first stock.
Currently she works as a companion to an elderly man, but this job might come to an end soon











Tholakele

Tholakele is currently unemployed. She plans to do a computer skills course at Masi library to improve her employment prospects.

She's having trouble getting an ID book, as she's an orphan from KZN & does not have access to her birth certificate. We're trying to get hold of her original Grade 1 principal at Imushane Primary in KZN, who should be able to provide proof of her school registration. She can use this proof to get her ID. Trips to Home Affairs are expensive and so far, fruitless.











Liezl

Liezl is a talented seamstress. She dreams of her own sewing business and her own home - and to employ other women like her. She needs a sewing machine, overlocker & fabric. Currently all her work is done by hand











Phateka

Phateka is our youngest member - now in Grade 12. Her focus this year is passing matric with good enough marks to study social work at UCT. She needs help to stay in school . Raising her baby with only the support of her sister is difficult - we hope to be able to help her finish the year successfully, and guide her through the process of applying to university.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meeting Report: Jan 2013

Saturday was our first meeting of the year. A small group of regulars – we really need to work on getting some new faces in.

We spoke about our goals for 2013 – not New Year’s Resolutions, but things we’d like to accomplish. For those of us with big dreams, getting there can seem daunting; impossible. And then in 2014 we have the same conversation, with the same goals, but no closer to them.

So we broke the goal into steps – what we’d need to do to accomplish the whole. I’ll write about each individual mom’s goals in the next post. Looking at the steps, each mom realised that their plans (and for most of them they were modest and reasonable – no rich or famous aspirations here) were completely doable.

We discussed how you’re allowed to ask for help – nobody successfully achieves their dreams on their own. Everybody needs help sometimes, whether it’s material help, advice, mentorship, a fresh idea or even just somebody to keep encouraging them.

Each mom made a poster of the steps for the year – they’ve taken them home to stick up on the wall so that they see them every day and are reminded of where they’re going.

It was exciting to see them catch sight of their dreams, to pin them down and realise that it’s not impossible. They’re a very motivated and hardworking bunch. This time next year, we’ll make new posters It was also wonderful to see everybody supporting and encouraging each other.

We’ve got a special thing going here, and I’m very proud.

Meeting Dates for 2013

Meeting dates for 2013 – please share, share and share!

Josephine moves in

Josephine moved into her house on Saturday. The builders came Saturday morning and she moved in Saturday evening. We visited Saturday afternoon with some housewarming gifts and groceries, and she took us down the road to meet her sister Margaret. We also met Pastor Pieter and his daughter Bulushka. Pastor Pieter very generously allowed Josephine to use a piece of his land for her house. He will also help her with organising her plumbing and electricity and in the meantime, she will share his. It was very humbling to meet a man with so little himself, willing to share with someone else.

There’s still some work to be done on the house, including a proper ceiling and walls, but Josephine couldn’t be happier. It’s bigger, safer, warmer and prettier than where she lived before. Blessing has a safe and warm place to sleep. Josephine has a roof over her head that belongs to her. And is not going to blow away in the winter.

Was difficult to take many pictures because there wasn’t much space to stand, but we got a few. Josephine was still busy sorting out when we arrived this afternoon and didn’t want too many pictures of the inside – she said it was too messy!

Again, we have to thank all the generous people who helped us make this happen. It would not have happened without you.

#josephineshouse: I said I’d do it

I threatened to shave my head if we raised R10 000 for Josephine’s house and we’ve done it. The money is safely waiting until we get to organise the purchase, delivery and setting up. Will keep you posted on how that goes. Again, thank you to everyone who helped.

It’s not every day you get to do something that could be important to someone else. I’m glad I got to contribute, no matter how small.

So here we go… during and after pics. I think it’s short enough?

 

#josephineshouse: We did it!

We did it people! Thank you everybody who shared the message, and donated, every amount no matter how big or small has made a difference.

Thank you to Robin, Ken, Sharon, Linda, Genevee, Conor, Linda & Mark and the others who donated anonymously (in case you think I’ve forgotten about you)

You have changed a life. Merry Christmas to you, special special people.

Watch this space for my shaved head

PS – It’s not too late to jump on the bandwagon if you wanna – we can always use more for the extra bits that will no doubt come up in the process of getting her house up and running.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart