Tracy Engelbrecht's Blog, page 9

#josephineshouse: Imma shave my head

Thank you to everybody who has donated towards Josephine’s house, and those who’ve shared our appeal on Facebook and Twitter. Thanks to a wonderful donation of R5000 from Robin Fletcher, we’re almost there. I said on Twitter that if we reach R10 000 I’ll shave my head. Robin clearly wants me to do this – we’re so close now, looks like I’ll be breaking out the clippers this weekend.

Josephine didn’t know anything about this plan. But I just phoned her now to tell her – she was speechless and then overcome with tears.

This is who we’re doing this for. A wonderful, strong and gentle woman who is raising a busy, challenging and delightful four year old by herself, in a shack with no proper insulation or plumbing – at a time in her life when many of us are thinking of slowing down and retiring.

So. If you want to see my bulbous shiny noggin before Christmas, get busy. Donate via EFT or Paypal – see the widget on the right hand side, or see here for bank details.

Would it be too much to ask that we might get over R10k? Maybe throw in some household goods or groceries?

What say you?

Blessing with Father Christmas

A home for Josephine

Josephine Jepta is one of my heroines.

She turned 60 this year. After being in a relationship for many years, with a decent home and a happy life, she’s now alone. She is also the first-time foster mother to Blessing who is 4 years old. She took Blessing in when he was a tiny baby, when his mother was unable to care for him. She followed the correct channels and is his legal foster parent. Despite health issues of her own, she works as a companion and helper to the elderly. Currently she is working with an 83 year old man with Parkinson’s, and she does everything for him.

Then she comes home to a tiny shack in a backyard in Ocean View. Her home is draughty, wet in winter and always sandy and dusty. She doesn’t have a bath; but Blessing and her take turns in bathing in a plastic tub with hot water from the kettle. Money is always tight and there are times when there just isn’t enough.

Despite this, Josephine is a woman of incredible love, strength and positivity. She and Blessing have recently made contact with Blessing’s birth mother, and she is trying hard to foster a relationship between them, while always keeping Blessing’s best interests at heart. She never gives up, she keeps trying, keeps learning, always on the lookout for ways to improve their lives.

Now she has a chance to buy a proper Wendy house, with a proper ceiling, proper plumbing, no HOLES in the ROOF. She has a place where she’d be able to build it. What she needs is R10 000. It’s too much for her. It’s too much for me. But in the grand scheme of things, R10 000 is NOT a lot of money.

If there is anyone deserving of a break, Josephine is it. She has worked hard all her life. She has given so much of herself to so many.

We need to do this. Who can help? Even the smallest donation would make a difference. To be able to give Josephine and Blessing a home for Christmas – can you imagine a bigger thing?

Even if you can’t donate, please share this post wherever you can. I haven’t told her about this yet. I hope to be able to tell her something in a few days. Can you help me?

 

 

DONATE!

Use the Paypal / Credit Card form on the right – or donate via EFT

Standard Bank

Fish Hoek

Branch code: 020009

Account number: 072106298

Account name: T Engelbrecht

Young Mom Support is a registered non-profit organisation: 093-008

Christmas Party 2012

We had our Christmas party yesterday. Visited by Father Christmas (my dad!), presents for all the children and moms, yummy eats and a lot of love. Once again, I’m so grateful that I get to do this. It was a little smaller than last year – we didn’t have any sponsorship this year, so we managed by ourselves. Next year, I think I should start nagging people for donations in about June!

As usual, we were worried that moms would turn up who hadn’t signed up for it, or bring extra children that we didn’t have presents for – but that didn’t happen. Everyone stuck to the plan. A couple of moms were working so they sent along the grannies in their place

Liezl (our resident seamstress extraordinaire) handed out handmade baby shoes that she’d made herself to all the moms – a beautiful gesture that everybody appreciated.

I know I’ve said it before, but 2 things are always stand out at our meetings – the children (even the smallest) who are always so helpful, well-behaved and easy, and the way everybody gets stuck in to tidying up and packing away after. I turn away for a minute and the next thing you know the entire hall is packed up, dishes washed, floor swept. It’s a sign that everybody is comfortable and nobody feels like “a visitor”.

Thanks of course must go to the Desmond Tutu HIV Foundation Youth Centre who are so generous in allowing us to use their space, as well as Wadi & Phakama from the centre who always join us and work so hard. Thank you to my sister who helps us carry and set up, to my mom who organised everything this year, all the shopping, all the present-wrapping, all the food. And to my dad who is the best Santa ever – if you ever need a Santa dude, he’s the man to call.

Another year gone, Young Mom Support is 2 years old (today!) and I’m proud.

15 year old mom urgently needs accommodation

Received an email from a lady in Kempton Park today.

She has taken in a friend of her daughter who has nowhere to stay. The young girl is 15 years old with a 1 year old baby. Her parents are not around and her only family here do not seem to be stable or healthy. They do not want the girl to stay with them.

This lady urgently needs help to find the girl somewhere else to live. She has been supporting the girl but with her own large family and commitments she won’t be able to do this much longer.

By all accounts, the young mom is a good parent, her child is happy and healthy and there are no issues with drugs or alcohol. She is not willing to give her child up for adoption.

What we need urgently: somewhere for the girl and her baby to stay safely. A shelter, a home for women (this is where the old-fashioned “home for unmarried mothers” might have been useful) – SOMETHING. Many shelters do not take women with such young children, and will usually give preference to women in imminent danger of abuse – or who are perhaps in the process of giving up their children for adoption.

Next, we need a contact for a counsellor or social worker who could take charge of the situation and give the young mom the support, advice and practical help she needs.

I don’t have any contacts for places or people like this in Gauteng.

Who can help me?

Basically – when the kind lady can no longer afford to keep her, the young mom and and her baby are out on the street. After that? Baby being given or taken away, no further help for the young girl – and everything turns to porridge. A broken family that didn’t need to be broken.

They have a chance of succeeding – what they need is a safe place to sleep. We have a chance here to make a difference.

I need info, contacts and bright ideas.

Them’s fighting words…

Received an email from someone tonight. It wasn’t rude or mean. It asked some questions, which undoubtedly were meant well. I was just seriously gobsmacked and bewildered to be reading the opinions contained therein. I know some people think that way – but when faced with it, my flabbers are unfailingly gasted.

The person in question detailed some stories about people she knew who’s lives had been ruined by teenage pregnancy and then subsequent ill-advised marriages which ended badly. She wrote about young moms she sees today who smoke and otherwise neglect their children.

She asks: “It it dangerous what you are doing? Aren’t you helping kids to keep their babies? Can there really come any good from this?”

Here is my reply.

******

Hi xxx Thanks for contacting us.

To be honest, I’m not sure how to respond to this. I am quite upset.

It is true that you have seen and had experiences of teen pregnancy that haven’t had ideal outcomes. Does that mean it’s the same for everyone? No. The choices made by the mothers you mentioned were exactly that: personal choices made by people with their own life experiences, own personalities, own family structures.

EVERY SINGLE SITUATION IS DIFFERENT.

Our group is about young women who are already mothers. The babies are THERE. There is no getting away from that.

3 things:

1. A girl who already has a child, and actively seeks out a group like ours to help her, is already being a good mother. Women who do not want to be good mothers, would not come along and find us. That is why the moms we have are all doing fine – and would be doing fine – even on their own. We can’t reach those who choose not to make right choices. Nobody can. The decision to put your child ahead of yourself, is something that you have to decide for yourself. Nobody can make it for you. Our mothers have.

2. If there were more groups like ours in all areas – a safe place to go and learn, feel valued as a mother, and NOT be made to feel like you are a failure or a DANGER TO SOCIETY – can sometimes make the difference between a child dumped in a toilet and child who’s mother feels able to take on the challenge.

3. The mothers you mentioned: their bad choices to marry unwisely, their choice to smoke and otherwise be a bad mother – do you really think those people would be any different if they were 10 years older? Good parenting comes from unselfishness, from understanding that your life will change and being willing to take it on. You need empathy and an understanding of someone besides yourself. If you are not capable of that at 15, you won’t be any different at 30.

Indeed, some people should not be parents. They are not willing to make the sacrifices necessary, and their children suffer for it. Can you put an age on that? NO. I can think of at least 10 mothers in their 30′s right now who are less capable, and more damaging to their children than mothers in our group.

Also, while it can definitely affect education and job opportunities, it DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY. It takes work and effort, creativity and perseverence, but it can be done.

So to answer your 2 questions:

Do I think what we’re doing is dangerous? I think that to NOT do it is dangerous. The mothers are there, the children are there. Abandon them to feel alone? Punish them for having sex? Tell them they’ll never amount to anything? What will that do to their ability to mother effectively?

Do I think any good will come of it?

I have seen the good, every single day of my life. i have seen mothers open up, feel brave, believe that they are worthy and good enough for their children, despite hearing opinions like yours every single day, and feel motivated to do even better. Do you really think, seriously now, that this can be a bad thing?

And lastly, as a once teenage mom myself – your words hurt and anger me so. They take a woman who KNOWS she has always been a good mother, from the age of 14 – and tells me that no, because I was that young – there’s NO WAY I could be good for my child. You’re invalidating every single day of the last 18 years of my motherhood – by telling me that me being a mother is dangerous. What must I tell my son about that?

That he should have never been born? That I wish he never had?

Shall I go along to his bedroom right now and tell him that everything he thought was right in his life, is in fact wrong?

Shall I go to our next group meeting and say we’re shutting this down, it’s dangerous? Take your children – who I have to come to love – and go away? Leave those moms and their children to face opinions like yours on their own?

I won’t do it.

I apologise for my stridence. It is something about which I feel strongly and I will fight for the right of our moms to be recognised and valued for the good work they do.

Lastly, let me say this. Should your 17 year old daughter ever find herself pregnant – she is welcome to join us. We will welcome her with open arms, and help her to become the best mother she can be.

Again, thanks for taking the time to write and i’m sorry my reply is so long. You have helped me realise why I do what I do.

Regards

Tracy

 

“Mom, I’m pregnant”. How do you answer this?

You’re a parent. You’ve just found out your teen daughter is pregnant. I’m sure you’re feeling a million things right now. Anger, confusion, disappointment, fear for your child’s future, guilt, sadness, terror that if she made THIS mistake, what else has she done?

You’re allowed to feel all of those things. It’s fine. You don’t have to pretend you’re not angry.

 First of all: stop. Take a breath.

Know this:

1. As insanely overwhelmed and devastated as you’re feeling right now, you won’t always feel this way. You can, and will, get through this. All of you.

2. Today is the day you find out what kind of parent you really are.

3. Today is the day your daughter learns how to BE a parent. Whether or not she continues the pregnancy, whether or not she keeps her baby, she’ll carry this day forward with her, as her template for how to be a mother.

There’s a lot you’re going to have to deal with and think about – some emotional and some practical. Both are equally important and as a family you cannot successfully make your way through this without addressing both. I will deal with both in the next couple of posts. For now, I’ll focus on those first few minutes.

Are you still breathing? Good. Go back and read those three points again. 

Now – as angry as you are – go and find your daughter. Go on, I’ll wait.

Look into her eyes. She is still the same child you have always loved.

Hug her. It’s not time yet for decisions or plans or lectures. Those will all come. Right now your child is hurting. When YOU became a parent – this is what you signed up for. Unconditional love.

It’s going to be a long and bumpy ride for all of you from now. You will all need each other. No matter the outcome of the pregnancy, your family is changed, your daughter is changed, and your relationship with her will be changed. This moment right here can make or break your child’s future, and how she defines her place in the world. What are you going to say?

You’ll be asking plenty of questions in the next few days. Why how who where when why not how could you why didn’t you. You’ll also have to ask yourself some hard questions too:

Did she tell you herself? If she did, that is a good sign. I would take it to mean that she trusts you to be there for her. I would take it to mean that she was brave – knowing how hard it would be, she knew it had to be done and she did it despite being scared.
If she didn’t – if you found out some other way – ask yourself why. It could be reflection on her, it could be a reflection on you. Have you given her a place to feel that unconditional love? Would she have been too scared to tell you because of your reaction? Was she secure in the knowledge that despite your anger and disappointment, you would still love her? 

These questions are just the beginning. You’ll ask yourself what you could have done to prevent it. Only you can answer that. Maybe something, maybe nothing.

As much as this is about your daughter, her choices and decisions – you’re also going to have to face your own. And if you’re not pleased with the answers to the questions above – if you feel that you could have done better – know that it’s okay. From today, you can all do better.

It will be okay.

If your teen is / was pregnant – what to do?

Busy working on a post aimed at parents of pregnant teens.

I’ve only got my own (fortunate) experience to go on here, so would love to hear from you.

If you were pregnant as a teen – tell me about your parent’s reaction and how it influenced your decision and what happened from there.

If your teenage daughter (or son) experienced an unplanned pregnancy – tell me about how you reacted, how much influence you had on the final decision on what to do etc.

Also, as a comparison – would love to hear from parents who haven’t been through it. What do you THINK you might do if it happened in your family?

You can be anonymous if you’d like – won’t publish anything with full names. Email me at info@youngmomsupport.co.za or leave a comment below if you’re okay with that.

Please share this request – need lots of input!

Thank youz dearies.

 

 

 

How did you find us?

In general, delving into blog analytics to see the search terms that brought people to your blog can be a perplexing, amusing or sometimes creepy affair. In the case of Young Mom Support, I’m finding it a little heartbreaking. These are the searches which have stood out for me, in the last few months:

a place for teenage mothers to live for her to finish school in gauteng
gauteng young mothers counselling
how do you tell your parents you are pregnant and in matric?
how long after the birth of a teenagers baby can she return to school
how to help a young mom
information on teenage pregnancy in western cape with pictures
home for pregnant teenager
insulting names for young mothers (huh?)
is it alright thing that pregnant learners should be expelled from school?
latest youngest mother for 2012
Many variations on teen pregnancy in schools and department policy, in English, Afrikaans and Xhosa


Many variations on support groups for teenage mothers in Cape Town, Jhb, Pretoria and KZN
Googling teen mom support group Cape Town – the first few pages are all links from or to our site, and The Parent Centre who we have worked with before, and Teen Mom Support KZN 

 And the one that stood out for me from today: My teenager is pregnant what now.

I’ll get to that in the next post. But for now I’m thinking about all those people who end up here, because they have questions and problems which have not been addressed elsewhere. Maybe many of those searchers were perhaps doing academic research or something – but more than a few are going to be pregnant teens, their friends and family looking for answers.

What’s also clear from the number of searches about school policy, is that the official education department stance on pregnant learners is not common knowledge to parents and students. Find the Western Cape Education Department policy document here: http://youngmomsupport.co.za/archives/433

The internet is an amazing resource and should not be underestimated.  However, it doesn’t replace actual people in your family and community to whom you can turn for help.

My wish is that NO pregnant teen or young mom should have to turn to the internet first for help. When you’re faced with this situation, you should immediately be able to say – “Oh yes, I know *this* place in my community – they will be able to help me with this”

There should be formal and informal support groups all over the place, well-known, well-advertised and easily accessible.

It’s one thing to read an article like this and be told you’re not alone. But it doesn’t compare with somebody holding your hand as they say it.

Cupcakes & Community: A special day

Finally the day arrived for our event.  Our guests arrived on time – cupcakes in hand. Your generosity and willingness to give up your Saturday to join us was so appreciated. Once 10h30 came and went, I started to panic as we had a room full of guests and no moms yet! It’s always like that though, so I shouldn’t have worried.

I showed off my (tiny) Xhosa greeting vocab and was encouraged by everybody’s response – they were generous in their praise and made me feel good for trying (even though I forgot my last line!). Still, I’m learning and it’s early days yet. Watch this space – i’ll get better!

My planned discussion for the day was about gratitude. As I said to the moms, I pondered long and hard about whether I had any right to be “lecturing” them on being grateful for what you have. I lead a privileged life, there’s no escaping that fact. Many of them are dealing with issues which I’ve never experienced, and likely I won’t ever have to. I eventually decided taht I could only share my own experience, and hope that they’d be able to take something from that.

I spoke about times in my life where things have gone well for me, when people have been good to me, even though they didn’t have to be. When I’ve experienced difficult times, remembering what i have to be thankful has renewed my perspective and allowed me to pick up and carry on.

Several of our guests and moms then shared what they were grateful for. Particularly special was Anoria’s contribution – she spoke of her 1 year old son Eyakhe who has Down’s Syndrome – of how difficult it was in the beginning and how sad she was. She now feels differently, and is grateful for her special, healthy boy who doesn’t have any heart problems – which he could well have had.

Our special guest Sharon was grateful that she, as an older mother, has had the chance to have a child. She had us all in tears

Never have I seen cupcakes disappear so fast! Seriously – I think the children were inhaling them!

Thank you to Fouzia, Sharon & Jess, Robynne & Connor, Kelly, Kaylee and Stephanie, and all the moms who joined us for the day. It was great to be able to share what we do with you – I hope you enjoyed yourselves and we’d love to have you back.

We were so busy we forgot to take pictures – we only remember half way through so there aren’t that many this time.

Another special thank you must go to Kelly, Sharon, Jimina and Stacy for the donations of baby clothes, adult clothes and household goods. You’re making a real difference. Also thanks to Tertia for her generous contribution which we’ll put towards our Christmas party.

Special people all round.

I *really* do have so much to be grateful for

Questions from a pregnant teen

Received this email last night and decided to post it and my answer here – maybe it could help someone else. Do you think I’ve missed anything in the reply? Didn’t mention abortion as she seems to have passed the stage where that’s an option. Answer is very very very long

Question:

I’ve bin pregnant for 5months now and I am scared to be a mom I feel like its going to change my life I sometimes think of adoption but my mind keeps on telling me I can’t is it normal for me to be in fear as a 19years old first time mum

Answer:

Firstly, it’s totally normal to be scared the first time you’re pregnant, no matter how old you are.

Everybody is scared the first time, and you are right – being a mom *WILL* change your life.

A few questions:

Do your family, friends and partner know? It’s very important not be going through this alone, and no matter what you decide, you will need their support. If you haven’t told them yet, you must do so urgently. I know it can be scary, but it is better to get the hard bit over and done with so you can all move forward together.
Have you been to the doctor or clinic yet? Whether you decide on parenting or adoption – you need to make sure that you and your baby are healthy. So if you haven’t gone yet, that’s another important job to do
What are your reasons for considering adoption?
What are your reasons for wanting to raise the child yourself?
Are you working or studying?
Do you have somewhere to live after the baby is born?
Who will support you financially while you are pregnant and afterwards?

Nobody can tell you what decision to make. Even if your family or partner try to tell you what to do – while you should listen to their opinions – the choice will have to be yours alone. It’s a big decision and you should not make it without considering all the options.

Being a mom is NOT easy.  Babies are hard work and you will need to change your life. You will be responsible for another human being and you will have to put them first, before yourself. That is not impossible to do – and it doesn’t have to be hard either – it all depends on your personality

You know yourself best. WILL you be able to put your own needs second, without being angry with your child or resenting them? If you think you will regret changing your life, it is probably best to consider adoption strongly. A child needs a mother who is 100% happy with her decision. If you have regrets and wish for your old life back, your child will feel it. And that’s not fair to them.

So first of all consider whether you will be able to do that.

Then – start thinking about the practical issues like money, a home, clothing, food, medical expenses etc. Will you be able to make a plan for all of those? Will you have the financial and emotional support of your partner and your family? Even if you and your partner are no longer together, he will still be required to pay maintenance. You can go to the maintenance court in your area to organise this. But before you do that, you will have to have an idea of what your expenses will be after baby is born. Start making a list of what you will need money for.

A child needs:

Food
Clothing
Shelter
Medical care
Education
Love
A safe place to live
A family who cares for them
A mother who is 100% committed to being a good parent
A mother who will take responsibility for doing her job properly and not expect anyone else to do it, such as grandparents
A mother who enjoys being a mom
A mother who has support from others so she can take a break sometimes
A mother who is relaxed and confident (this only comes later, as you get more experienced. Nobody is confident in the beginning!)
Parents who do not fight – whether they are together in a relationship or not
A mother who will never give up on trying to do the right thing for her child

It’s a long list! Notice I didn’t say a child needs fancy clothes, fancy toys or the best or latest of anything. They don’t. Having money is no guarantee of giving your child a good life.

Do you think you will be the kind of mother your child needs? Only you can answer that. Think about it hard. Don’t rush into a decision. Speak to people you can trust – remember – not everybody who wants to give you advice really has your best interests at heart.

What you’re feeling now is completely normal. I can’t say to you – “Don’t worry, it will all be okay”. Whether it’s okay or not is up to you. Adoption is a very hard road to choose – but if you don’t believe you can be the kind of mother your child needs (every single day, for the next 20 years or so) – then perhaps adoption will be best for the child.

However – being a mom is also hard – neither choice is “easier”. Both have their pro’s and their con’s.

You also matter – if being a mom is going to be too hard for you or make you unhappy – then don’t do it. An unhappy mother makes an unhappy child. You have to be totally committed to it.

I have seen girls who think it will be fun to be a mom but find out that it’s very hard work and then take their disappointment out on their children. This isn’t fair. I’ve also seen younger girls than you become great mothers. So there is no guarantee of how it will be – it depends on how much work you put into it.

So  again – make sure you have the support of your family. You will NEED them. You must not try to do it all alone.  Make sure you’re seeing the doctor – you could ask them about connecting you with a social worker, if you want to pursue adoption. They will help you organise it. Think long and hard about your life and what you want for it. Being a mom doesn’t mean the end of your dreams, but it will mean you’ll have to find different ways of achieving them.

Whatever you choose – if you think carefully and go with what your head AND your heart tells you – you’ll make the right choice.

I’ll be here if you want to chat again.

Thinking of you