Tracy Engelbrecht's Blog, page 12
November 13, 2011
On growing
Had another great Young Mom Support meeting yesterday. We had our best turnout ever, thanks to the hard work that our associates from The Parent Centre, Edith & Shirley, have been doing in their communities. They've been very successfully spreading the word at clinics and other venues around Ocean View & Masi.
We had almost 40 moms and their children yesterday. That's just mindblowing, when you think that our first meeting in December last year started with 3 moms.
Lots of new faces, many schoolgirl moms. Our food and clothing table was wiped out in minutes. 
Was a little crazy, running around trying to get to know each of them a little. I don't want to lose that very personal way we have of interacting with our moms, so will have to find a way to keep it up with so many. We've got lots to rethink and adjustments to make to keep things going next year. Extra hands, extra time, extra money, extra resources. Supersized, with extra everything.
Now comes the awkward part. We need your help.
We're planning a Christmas / 1st birthday party for 17th December. My dad has kindly offered to play Father Christmas (looks very swish in his suit), my daughter and her friends are Santa's reindeer helpers and we have to provide a truckload of food and prezzies.
We have 66 children to buy for, ranging in age from newborn to teen. We also want to give each mom a small gift, as well as a DVD of music and photos from the year's meetings, which my mom is working on right now.
So – we need about R2800 for the kiddie presents, plus food and mom presents, another R2000, I guess. This is a lot more than we bargained for last month, but so many new people have joined us, and we can't exclude them.
We'd really love to make the day special for our moms and their children – a little bit of magic and excitement, to celebrate the year we've had, and how far we've come.
Can you help us? A donation via Paypal or our bank account – if you can – and no matter how small – would be so gratefully received. Even if you can't help, maybe you know someone who can. Put in a good word for us, go on.
Banking details:
Standard Bank Fish Hoek
T Engelbrecht
Account number 072106298
Branch code: 02009
October 15, 2011
You are not alone
Our meeting today turned out to be the biggest one yet. We ended up with over 20 moms and their children – many new faces; I hope to get to know all of them well.
On the agenda today was a talk by Nikki Davies of the Desmond Tutu HIV Foundation – she spoke about HIV, pregnancy and breastfeeding. Also discussed the importance of community acceptance of people living with HIV, and how all people should be treated with love. I really wanted this bit to be stressed – I wanted those in the room, carrying that burden secretly to feel like they'd be safe with us, and for them to take that feeling back home with them to their community.
Some of the moms spoke about the stigma attached to being seen as HIV positive in their communities – how moms can't even be seen with baby formula without being gossiped about and judged. Baby formula = no breastfeeding = she must be positive. It's a huge barrier to mothers getting the correct treatment for themselves and their children. Even in their own homes, they are sometimes not able to take their medication openly without fear of recrimination. There's no easy answer for this – besides people not being bastards to each other.
Rewind a bit.
When Liezl arrived today, she told me that she'd come to say goodbye. I've knew she was positive, but things had been seeming good, however – today she was convinced that we wouldn't see her again. She's not been well, various infections, has only recently gone on treatment and is supposed to go into the hospice (temporarily) next week – with nobody to look after her 4 children. She said she was tired of fighting, that she was losing the battle. She told me goodbye.
I asked Nikki to speak with her, and they went to have a private chat while I got on with meeting with the rest of the moms. Medically, obviously I don't have the answers, and whether it truly IS as close to the end as she felt. However – I know depression when I see it and she just couldn't anymore. No proper diet, no money for food, stress, fear, guilt – all killing her faster than the virus.
Fast forward.
Shirley stood up and told us her story of working in the community. Debbie did the same – urging the moms from Ocean View (where she comes from) to be more like the Masi moms – to stick together, to love and accept each other better than they have done in the past – and for both communities to join together to make things better for everybody's children. It was stirring stuff – so many people so determined to do good – for everybody's children, not just their own.
Then, unexpectedly, Liezl came forward to speak. This was a woman who couldn't look anybody in the eye just a few months ago. She told her story and in front of nearly 30 strangers, she admitted to being HIV positive. She said she is "the loneliest person in the world". She told of her guilt for all the "naughty things" she's done, of being abused by her gangster ex-boyfriend. She spoke of how people treat her badly when they hear of her status, they won't touch her, speak to her. How they're scared of her, as if they will catch the virus simply by being her friend. She's got nobody, she said. And now she's going to die, leaving her children without a mother – because of her own past bad choices. She didn't blame anybody else, she carries this responsibility alone. She cried.
She spoke to the younger girls, stressing the importance of condoms and how it's impossible to tell if your partner is positive. Her message of fear, loneliness, guilt and regret, so honestly and urgently told, hit harder than any government-sponsored billboard awareness campaign ever could.
I stood with her there and held her hand while she spoke. I looked around the room and suddenly everybody was crying. I was scared for her – she'd taken such a risk by speaking out in this place.
And then the moms started to sing to her – "You are not alone", they sang. Spontaneous and beautiful – you could not have scripted it better. It was like something out of a movie. They all went to her individually to hug her and speak to her – to touch her and be her friend when she was so convinced they wouldn't.
She had been rejected so many times in her life by so many people and now there was a room full of people who knew her deepest, darkest secret and they did not turn her away. I was so proud of my people. They did right. I was so proud of her – the courage that took was immense.
I don't know what will happen to Liezl, or her children. But I do know that when she left – she told me she's changed her mind and is not ready to give up the fight because now she has a mother and sisters – a family who actually believe she is worthy and valuable.
THAT is what Young Mom Support is for. Overwhelming day.
More pictures on Facebook - but here are some of my favourites from today.
October 7, 2011
Pregnant at school?
If you are a pregnant teenager still at school, especially if you plan to keep your baby and return to school after the birth – you need to read this.
DOWNLOAD THE WESTERN CAPE EDUCATION DEPARTMENT'S POLICY DOCUMENTS:
WESTERN CAPE EDUCATION DEPT POLICY ON MANAGING LEARNER PREGNANCY IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS
WKOD-BELEID VIR DIE BESTUUR VAN LEERDERSWANGERSKAP IN OPENBARE SKOLE
Teen moms need to make completing their education a priority. Leaving school without Matric will make it much harder to find a good job to provide for your family. The longer you put it off, the harder it becomes to go back and finish.
WHY DON'T SOME TEEN MOMS FINISH SCHOOL?
Money: school fees, books, travel and uniforms are expensive and money is always tight when there's a new baby. Day to day survival becomes more important.
Childcare: many moms don't have decent, reliable childcare options available to them. They have no choice but to stay home to look after baby
Attitudes of peers / teachers / community – sometimes teens don't want to return to the same school as before. They might be afraid of judgement or discrimination by those around them.
Not fitting in: teen moms have new priorities and many have a new outlook on life after having a child. They may not fit in with their peers anymore, having much more "adult" concerns and the adjustment back to being treated as a "child" at school can be very difficult
"I'll go back later": if a mom doesn't make a concrete plan for returning to school while still pregnant, when things change after baby come it's very easy to put it off for later, when "the time is right". Weeks turn into months and years and the timing is never "just right".
Family: some families may believe that a teen girl has "lost her chance" for education once she has a child and not being allowed to return to school is somehow "punishment"
PLAN WHILE YOU'RE STILL PREGNANT
Before baby is born, you need to know exactly what will happen afterwards.
Speak to your school, your family and baby's father to come up with a plan that works. You will need to consider all the points above- money, time, childcare and the emotional stuff.
Pregnant or parenting learners may not be expelled from school or prevented from returning after the birth. The policy documents above apply to the Western Cape – make sure you understand the policies of YOUR province and school. We will update this website with policies from other provinces as we get them.
YOU WILL NEED ALL THE HELP YOU CAN GET
It's tempting to hide the pregnancy from the school but in the long run it's better to have them on your side. Schools can, and SHOULD, help you with finding ways to continue as long as possible, to keep up with work missed while you're off after the birth and to ease the transition when you return. You need to know your rights and also your responsibilities – the school may be required to assist you but it's up to you to do the work.
However you do it, completing Matric (at least) MUST be a priority for both you and your family. Use the time during your pregnancy to investigate options. Try and stay at school for as long as possible while still pregnant. Even after you have left school, find ways to keep up with the work and READ, READ READ as much as you can. This way, catching up when you do return will be a bit easier.
THINK ABOUT THIS:
It will be hard work. Studying while pregnant and especially with a young baby is exhausting. You will have to learn to manage your time well and get enough rest. It will be difficult to find the time to study and look after baby, especially if you have many other household responsibilities too.There might be some days when you feel you can't cope. When those hard days come, remind yourself why you're doing it: you're building a better life and future for both you and your baby.
You will need to be hard on yourself. You WILL be tired, you WILL be busy. There will be a million distractions. Self-discipline and a good studying routine is even more important for you than for any "normal" student.
Being pregnant at school or as a mother can be hard. You might not relate to your friends anymore. You might not be treated well by others and it can be hurtful. You might feel lonely. Those are all normal feelings, which you can handle if you – again – remind yourself of why you're doing it.
If being around your school friends makes you feel resentful, like you're missing on your teenage years – you need to rethink your decision to be a mom. Resentment and anger means you can't be a good mother for your child. Think VERY HARD about your choices.
Consider going to a new school afterwards if you want a new start, but remember that it won't necessarily be better.
Colleges, homeschooling or correspondence learning might be options – but they are expensive and might not be practical.
You will need help from friends and family – practical, financial and emotional support. Ask them to keep encouraging you when it gets hard.
MOST IMPORTANT:
Every day you stay at school is a day closer to that healthy, happy, safe future for you and your baby.
Every test and exam you pass is a sign of your love and commitment to creating a good future for your child.
Don't let anybody distract you from your educational goal or tell you it's not important.
Thousands of young moms around the world have done it – and you can too.
September 13, 2011
Registered at last!
After many months of backwards and forwards, we're now officially registered as a non-profit organisation with the Department of Social Development. Got a number an' all.
093-008
Go and search their NPO database – and there we are, all official-like – with all the other official type people.
A happy happy day.
July 13, 2011
A breath of fresh air
There's a standing joke at the office (har har – indeed, she sits in the end office and her name is "Tracy", you may have met her) – in which a colleague called me a "a breath of fresh air", after I'd baffled her with some display of Tracy-ness. Such as Jikking the hair dye splotches off my face, or discussing whether attic or basement would prove a more suitable hiding place for a rapidly decomposing corpse, over the photocopier. My preference for Ricoffy over the fancy stuff is also cause for concern, as is my constant swearing talking to myself and inability to walk in a straight line without crashing into a wall.
The joke, of course, is that she doesn't mean I'm "pleasantly different" or "someone or something that is new and different and makes everything seem more exciting" (thanks The Free Dictionary). What she is trying to say in her roundabout & clumsily offensive way, is that I'm weird. Strange. Odd. Baffling.
Yes, yes I am.
And I'm okay with that. I can – and do – laugh at myself. A lot. I don't take myself very seriously. This is a good thing, I think. Humility is a colour which looks good on me – it brings out my eyes, don'tcherknow. And there's just so *much* to be humble about.
Long, long ago in my youth (okay, right up til about 45 minutes ago, then) I had some issues with comparing myself with others. Not feeling good enough. And I won't lie, that ol' insecurity beast still sticks her bitchy nose in my business sometimes and makes me feel kak about myself. Today was a bad day, I admit. But mostly I have her beaten. Into a bloody, mucousy pulp, which incidentally – is better stashed in a basement than attic. Colder, see. Slows decomp. Less smelly.
But back to my story.
I was lucky – I escaped the teen body image angst (which a LOT of women carry with them in their fashionable, definitely *not* fleamarket knockoff handbags all the way into supposedly sensible adulthood) by handily getting pregnant. Teen pregnancy is the perfect cure for "does my bum look big in this" disease – because yes, yes it does. And that's that. It serves up a hefty dose of Get The Heck Over Yourself Woman, and I kinda never caught back up in the caring about cellulite race. A win there (and one they never mentioned in Juno).
Unless you happen to find the sight of me in my leggings offensive, in which case, darling – look away.
I never learnt the knack of peer pressure. I didn't know I was supposed to be influenced by The Media. When the other girls were given the lesson on Starving Yourself To Look Like a Supermodel Cos You're Supposed To Otherwise Nobody Will Ever Love You And You'll Die Alone, I was eating Flings with my baby son and finding out who I really am.
Thing is, yes – I do feel sometimes feel like I'm not okay as I am – but it's almost always fleeting, in response to something some outside person has said, someone who doesn't know me. Among *my* people (of which there are not many, another tick in the Freak Box for me), I feel fine. I feel valued, supported, loved, understood. By myself, I KNOW that I'm happy with me in all my freaky glory.
My point was here somewhere. Ah, yes. I see the other ladies with their worries of fashion, ageing, weight and keeping up with the Kardashiwhatsits Jones'. I will, on occasion, have a look at a "woman's magazine". And I'm just kinda like *shmeh*. Whatever. That doesn't apply to me. They're not talking to me. Or about me. I might as well be reading an article on lost tribes of Borneo in National Geographic. It's foreign. Interesting, sometimes- to learn about. But I'm as likely to get a facial (or even WANT a facial, or even pretend to know what that entails, actually), as I am to chow down on some tasty long pig with the South Seas cannibal dudes.
I know I don't look as pretty as those other sparkly ladies. I know I'm chunkier, my hair's not as nice, my skin not as smooth (it's the Jik – not ideal), my *look* (using unfamiliar technical terms here, bear with me) not as polished. Neither are my nails. Ever. I staple my hems when they come undone. I am clumsy and shy. My repertoire of small talk is miniscule and I don't hug, squeal or flirt.
Those sparkly ladies look like they do because they spend time, money and effort on making it that way. You only spend time, money and effort on things you care about. And just don't care enough about that stuff. In the words of the immortal Granny Weatherwax: "I can't be having with that".
But suck it. I don't apologise for any of it. I don't try to hide any of it. Laugh with me when I tell you about it, because it's funny, dude. If you can't laugh me with me – go ahead, laugh at me because I admit to things you can't. Says more about you than me, I'm thinking.
Life is very short. I want to do what I want to do because I want to do it. That is what happiness is.
And so I shall continue to breeze freshly through life with my Freak Hat on, knowing that it will cost me sometimes. It's a price I'm willing to pay, I guess. We all have a price on our head, the one we were born with – the cost of being truly ourselves. I'm paying it, and it IS worth it. Every day.
July 4, 2011
The end of the mommy blogger
When I first started blogging, I guess I considered myself a "mommy blogger". My children were (and still are) the biggest part of my life, and being a mom has always been my most important job, first and above all.
It was great to have a way to share the ups and downs, the cutes and the worries, the funnies and the frustrations, with readers who could likely relate. Also, it was a great way to practice what I loved to do – to write – about a topic that came so naturally and easily to me.
I'm never going to be a political commentator, a social media whatsit, a voice of authority or a person to be taken seriously about any topic whatsoever. I'm just me. A whole bunch of me, with a whole bunch of bits and parts, the most precious part to me being the mom part. However. The world moves on, so it does.
Cute children grow up and slowly but surely I've lost the right to simply blog/blurt their every move to the outside world, as entertaining, amusing or helpful to others as it might sometimes be.
I post less and less about my own children, but this doesn't mean that blogworthy things don't happen anymore. It just means that we've eventually reached the stage where it's no longer my place to write about them.
When they're babies, toddlers, preschoolers – you still feel like they're part of you, like an extension of yourself, simply the next chapter in a blog story that may have started with a pregnancy announcement or similar. It's not like that anymore.
They are their own people and respecting their right to NOT be written about is very real now. Sad, because I love writing about motherhood and my own experiences of it, but there's more than one player in a mommy story and I gotta get over meself, yes?
I'll leave you with an ancient pic of my peeps who I love and who continue to conduct themselves in a Tweetworthy fashion on a daily basis, the buggers.
June 27, 2011
Free download of The Girl Who Couldn't Say No
For a very limited time, download The Girl Who Couldn't Say No for free from Goodreads.com – HERE: http://bit.ly/lB6EnU. Darling readers, you can be my guinea pigs and tell me if the formatting is okay – as I'm entirely devoid of any such fancy devices as Kindles or e-readers or Ipads.
Whether you love it or hate it, an honest review or two would be much appreciated, although I know this is pushing it.
Thank you and goodnight.
xx
May 29, 2011
Coupons discounts and such
In a desperate and shameless attempt to sell more ebooks and thus generate some much needed funds for Young Mom Support, I'm going for the discount thing.
*Clears throat*
*Best Verimark ad man voice*
So from now until 5 June, hurry on over to Smashwords.com (see link here to The Girl Who Couldn't Say No) , plug in the coupon code : SM96M and receive 10% off.
My Verimark ad man voice sucks.
Pretend it doesn't. Humour me, thusly.
And hurry while stocks last. And all that stuff the Verimark man usually says.
May 3, 2011
Family tree doc in progress
Insomnia? Can't count any more sheep? I've just the thing.
For the genealogy-freak types, here we go.
Shortened version of my family tree, spanning genealogy from early South Africa, to England, Ireland, Scotland, Holland, Germany, France, Poland.
If anything rings a bell here, you're welcome to use the information if remember to acknowledge your source 
Work in progress, so obviously there will be gaps, missing info & mistakes, I'm sure. Please let me know if you spot any.
Click on the link below to open PDF
