Tracy Engelbrecht's Blog, page 7

Meeting photos May 2013

Been a busy month. Earlier this month I spoke at the launch of the PAN South Africa chapter (Parenting in Africa). Their theme for this year is “Teenagers with parenting responsibilities” and it was refreshing to engage with people who accept that some teens are parents – and trying to help them be the best parents they can be. Was a great privilege to be invited. While the focus for many speakers and organisations was obviously on prevention – it was good to have the opportunity to speak for those who are already parents. That chance does not come along very often.

I also spoke at the weekly meeting of Rotary Club Signal Hill – a great bunch of people dedicated to helping others, and completely open to the concept of supporting and not shaming teen mothers. Thank you again for having me

This month’s YMS meeting was focused on  making new friends – moms paired up with someone they didn’t know well and they were tasked with finding out about their partner and then reporting back to us on what they’d learnt.

We did a lucky draw for 3 baby comforters, with 3 new moms winning, much to their delight!

Things are busy, things are ticking over. As always, we need your help.

Thank you so much to Dr Riaan Lourens & Andrew Rosewell from the UK who have supported us this month with donations towards our meeting costs. Literally – this month we could NOT have done it without you.

xxx

A word on adoption

The recent media coverage we’ve enjoyed has been great. It’s also brought in a stream of emails from women looking to adopt babies from our young moms.

So I thought it would be worthwhile to reiterate where we stand on this.

Young Mom Support works primarily with mothers who have chosen to parent their children themselves. In cases where a mom chooses to place her child for adoption, we can help her access the services she requires, but will ALWAYS encourage her to follow the correct channels, to ensure the best possible outcome for all concerned.

We are not equipped to become involved in adoption placements, and cannot place birth mothers and potential adoptive families in contact with each other privately.

I feel for those potential adoptive parents who are desperate and willing to try anything to build their families, but we’re simply not the right people for this.

To the ladies I’ve already spoken to – I wish you joy and success in building your families, and I’m sorry we couldn’t help you.

x

 

 

 

 

A month for moms

Okay folks. The money is up. There is no more. As of now, we’re down to raising funds to be able to hold our next meeting, never mind thinking of the future.

Meeting refreshments cost about R300-R400 a month- doesn’t sound like much but it’s the difference between having a meeting and not.

We offer muffins / cupcakes, sandwiches, sausage rolls, juice, tea & coffee. Our members have increased so much – last month it was 2 people to a sausage roll! This is the bare bones of what’s needed and it’s all I’m going to ask for.

So we need a plan. Here’s what we’re going to do.

Each of our meetings from May – Mother’s Day Month –  until November will need a sponsor or sponsor(s).

We’re inviting individuals or companies to pick a month and make a donation (no matter how small) – towards the month’s expenses. We’ll feature you or your company on our Friends page (if you want to) and if you’re in Cape Town, you’ll be invited to join us for YOUR meeting.

Please share – you can help keep us alive.

Thank you, as always, for your help.

Use the PayPal widget on the right hand side of the page or donate via EFT.

Bank details:

T Engelbrecht

Standard Bank Fish Hoek

Branch Code: 02009

Account number: 072106298

 

 

 

Meeting photos April 2013

Had a photographer from You Magazine (!) there yesterday – part of a story they’re doing on the FNB You Can Help campaign people. So we didn’t take too many pictures ourselves, to keep out the way of the other photographer.

Was a good day, ran out of food. Incidentally, we’re now officially out of any donor money and have been for some time.

Will have to start thinking of scheduling our meetings after my pay day!

It was Phateka’s little boy Likhona’s first birthday. Made him some cupcakes for his afternoon party and we sang to him. He loved it. Phateka’s aunty brought him to the meeting because Phateka was at Saturday school at Masi High across the road. Compulsory classes every Saturday for the whole school – very well attended. I popped my head in to see if she was available and all the classes were full up. These are the things that nobody hears about or sees… it’s not all doom and gloom.

 

Tell me about YOUR sex life, go on.

Need your help. Not money this time, although (ha!)…..

Can you take 5 minutes to fill in the survey below – just 4 questions, totally anonymous.

And share, share share if you can. I’d like to get a goodly number of responses.

Strangely, this is 1992 all over again. When I was in Grade 8, the year before I fell pregnant, me & 2 friends entered the Science Expo at UCT with a project entitled “Have teenagers views on sex changed in 20 years”. Our research consisted of questionaires handed out to the entire school and walking door to door asking old dears when they lost their virginity. Old ladies were surprisingly eager to talk about this. We won a bronze medal, if that matters.

So. 21 years later I’m STILL talking about it. Don’t know what this means. Nothing good, I’m sure.

Your current age



Under 18


18-21


22-25


25-30


30-35


35-40


Over 40



Gender



Female


Male



Did you have sex before marriage



Yes


No



Age at which you lost your virginity



Under 14


14-15


16-17


18-19


20-21


Over 21

 

 

 

 

Stats

As you know, Young Mom Support is not about statistics. When I do interviews, people always expect me to trot out loads of numbers, as if a number can ever properly represent the thousands of people that teen pregnancy affects. There is no way that any statistic can properly capture the lives of unique people, their circumstances, personalities, thought patterns and choices. It just doesn’t mean enough besides some general patterns.

However, in the interests of learning more about my Mxit people (they really are MY people now) – we’re running a series of polls  - each week we ask a different question.

Interestingly, in the first week I ran a poll asking if moms were accessing the child support grant for their babies. I didn’t get a screenshot for this one, so will run it again next week so you can see. The majority said no, most likely reasons: not enough money to be worth the effort, and didn’t know how to access it.

We’ll see how that shapes up when we run it again.

The two recent polls: How old were you when you had your child (most common age 16-17)- probably to be expected? The contraception question was interesting – (by FAR the answer was using nothing at all), to my mind shows that there is clearly a long way to go in promoting and improving access to contraception.

This week’s question is about REASONS for falling pregnant – either it was completely unplanned or it was planned for reasons of collecting child grants, to keep a boyfriend, to have a baby to love etc. We’ll see how that goes.

Given the small sample size and loads of other things – its clearly NOT a scientific result. But gives a small glimpse into the general picture. Btw, have spoken to more than one person who fell pregnant as a result of rape – unreported, untreated for HIV or with emergency contraception, and no counselling – all of these women were raped by someone they know.  Usually pregnancy discovered too late for abortion, with a small number who chose not to abort even though they still could.

All any of this really shows, is that people are DIFFERENT. No number is ever going to give the whole picture.

Age at birth of child

 

Contraceptive choices

What do teens ask on Mxit?

Since I started the Mxit program on 6 / 7 March, we now have 14476 users. I’ve received hundreds of messages asking questions and have over 250 active contacts on Mxit that I speak to every day.

Some people ask one question and then we don’t speak again, but the vast majority come back day after day with more questions about other things, or just to chat. After our initial heavy conversations, we’re now friends. The experience so far has been uplifting, heartwarming, frustrating, heartbreaking but most of all fascinating.

Our first Mxit baby was born on Monday to a young teen mom who, when we first spoke last week, was unsure and scared about labour, birth and breastfeeding. Now – she’s better informed, feeling motivated and I’m sure she will do fine.

Most of the pregnant girls I speak to fall into 2 groups: either she’s just found out, or she suspects that she’s pregnant. She needs help to figure out what to do next. Obviously time is important, especially if she’s wanting to terminate. So we need to move quickly to get her the information and get her thinking about what she wants to do. The other group is girls who are now far advanced in their pregnancies and often have not yet been to the clinic or doctor, nor told anyone, because they are too scared. These are the girls most at risk of making rash decisions when the baby is born.

Mostly, what they all want is reassurance. Someone who will just LISTEN to them. Clear up misconceptions about old wives tales re. pregnancy and babies, give them ideas of how to tell their parents, find them organisations in their area who can help them with whatever they’re dealing with, explain how abortion, adoption, birth, breastfeeding, childcare grants, maintenance & schooling while parenting works. (Along with side issues like dealing with toothache, how to know if your boyfriend is cheating, is God punishing me for getting pregnant, help with homework, dealing with judgmental communities, wondering if you’re bisexual, discussions about the death penalty and 100 other things)

Information and love. That’s what they need.

It’s frustrating and heartbreaking that they feel they have to ask someone else, instead of their parents.

I’ve come to realise that the biggest challenge facing teens today is not peer pressure, not drugs, not HIV, not pregnancy. But parents who are unapproachable. If you have people who love you, who are on your side, you can face anything.

Without that? Who among us would be able to manage alone?

The other really fascinating part is the boys I’ve been speaking to. Some are dealing with their girlfriend’s unplanned pregnancy. The majority of those boys I’ve spoken to are trying hard to do the right thing. Sometimes they don’t know what the right thing is. But they’re open to my ideas, which is encouraging. Especially when it comes to relationships and girls. They listen to my (stridently feminist!) ideas and they take it in, and we’ve had some good discussions.

I’ve had a large percentage of teen boys talking to me about their feelings. They say they can’t talk to anyone else, show their sadness or their love, for fear of looking “weak”. This worries me so much. Clearly, they’re not able to be honest about who they are, what they feel. That is a time bomb waiting to go off. More needs to be done for our boys. And that doesn’t only mean giving them a physical outlet for their feelings like sport. It means allowing them to HAVE those feelings and not feel ashamed.

I’ve been asked by outsiders if I have a stance on abortion – or if I encourage girls to make a particular decision. The answer to that is a GIANT NO!

That would be wrong. Pushing your agenda or preferences under the guise of offering help is evil, in my opinion. I offer advice and information. Whatever decision a girl wants to make – I ask – are you sure? Have you thought about these other options? IF she says no, then we explore them. But in my experience, if she knows she wants an abortion, then she’s already been through that conversation in her own head.

I also make no judgments about their sexual activity. I’ve spoken to people who haven’t yet had sex, and of course the conversation with them will be different. But it’s pointless pushing abstinence on a 19 year old girl who is already sexually active.

I talk in CAPS in 3 circumstances: to non-pregnant people about safe sex. NO SEX WITHOUT CONDOMS EVER. That’s the rule.

The second one is when considering abortion: NO ILLEGAL ABORTION DOCTORS EVER, even though it often seems easier and more accessible

The third is about abusive boyfriends: IF HE HITS YOU ONCE, HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. HE HAS TO GO, yes, even though you love him and he says he loves you

I’m Mommy. I talk to them like a mom, not like a professional counsellor ticking questions off a clipboard.

By the time our conversation is over, they want to know all about me – my name, age, family, race (they’re all fascinated that i’m white) and they talk to me like we’re friends. Even encouraging me when I feel despondent.

So ja. This is life at the moment. It’s hard. But these tiny feelers of sensible advice are creeping over the whole country… this HAS to make a difference, even if it’s only to one person

Parents – I’m talking to you

Every day I talk to teens (girls and boys) who come to YMS for advice because they can’t go to their parents.

They’re facing an unplanned pregnancy and they’re scared and confused. Reaching out anonymously for help is even a big step forward. But we can only do so much. Sure, sometimes they will choose to have an abortion and it’s possible to do that without their parents knowing (although it is a bit of a logistical nightmare). However, many of them have passed the cutoff for termination, or don’t want to abort.

At some point – they can’t keep it secret anymore and they will HAVE to tell their families. When asked how they think their parents will take it, 80% say they think their parents will throw them out of the house. I always say to them: there’s 2 kinds of families. All parents are going to be angry, shocked, disappointed and scared when they find out their daughters are pregnant. That’s a normal reaction and pregnant teens need to expect that and allow their parents their feelings. However – in one kind of family – their initial anger doesn’t mean they’ve stopped loving you. Doesn’t mean they’ll abandon you or chuck you out. Yes, it might take a while to get the relationship with them back on track – but in these families – that’s what happens. Initial drama gives way eventually to the love they feel for their child and everybody gets on with working things out.

In the OTHER kind of family – the teen’s fears are justified. They WILL be chucked out, punished, beaten, sent away to cope alone. In these families, love is not unconditional. Love is not forever, and judgment, anger and sometimes religious or cultural ideas are stronger than love for their children.

I have to ask the teens to think carefully about which kind of family they have. Only they know that. I can’t encourage them to speak to their families if they KNOW it’s going to result in a beating – or worse. Sometimes, after some thought, they realise that parental anger in this situation is normal, but that they CAN rely on their families to be their for them.

Too often though – they can’t answer the question. They simply don’t KNOW for sure that their parents will not abandon them.

Unconditional love and support for your child no matter what, is what you signed up for, when you chose to become a parent (I tell the pregnant teens this too – to help them figure out if THEY are ready to become a mom).

This is your job, parents. You need to let your children know that they will be safe with you, no matter what. That they can tell you anything, confess anything, and you will be THERE. Doesn’t mean you won’t be angry. Doesn’t mean it will be easy, or that there won’t be consequences to their actions. But it does mean that one day, when they are in trouble for any reason, they will be brave enough to bite the bullet and come to you.

For those parents who WOULD chuck out their children – this is not for you. Nothing I say will make you change your ideas about that. I’m talking to those of you who’s children would not necessarily know the answer to the question – “Which kind of family do you have?”

You need to make your children understand, every day, in word and deed – that you will stand with them no matter what. It’s not enough to assume they know you love them. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from this Mxit adventure, it’s that EXPLICIT IS BEST.

Sit them down and talk about every possible situation they could find themselves in, and tell them how you’d react if that happened. Tell them what kind of plan you would make together to get through it. Do it before it happens.

Please. Many of the teens I speak to – maybe they COULD talk to their parents. Maybe their parents would be saddened and horrified to find that their daughter was hiding her pregnancy out of fear, that she’d go through labour and birth alone, that she’d be holding a newborn in her arms and not know what to do with him – out of fear.

The words of The Pretenders song comes to mind: “nothing you confess, could make me love you less”

Do YOUR children understand that?

YOU can help

It’s now 11am on Sunday morning. I sat down at 8am to answer one Mxit question and have not moved since. They keep coming.

It’s not just a case of answering one question and moving on. The questions keep coming and I spend at least half an hour chatting to each person. There are still about 80 people who asked questions and I’m now waiting for them to respond to me. Many of the questions involve me Googling organisations in their areas who can help them. Most of the conversations start off with somebody who is confused and in a panic, and end with someone who has a plan.

And they all come back the next day to tell me what progress has been made.

This is just on Mxit. Not including the time that needs to be spent improving the info that’s on Mxit, keeping the app up to date, as well as the website and FB page. This does not include the time that needs to be spent on our physical Young Mom Support group – the shopping, baking, organising, speaking to the moms, organising the donation distributions. This does not include the time that needs to be spent on the invites i get to speak at schools and other groups. Or the time spent on radio and TV interviews – for which I have to take leave from work.

And tomorrow, I have to go to work. That means 8 hours of the day that I CAN’T be working on it. This means that while i’m at work, the Mxit messages are piling up and I can’t answer them until I get home.

Currently – not counting my time – our expenses are as follows:

1. Storage for our donations – R600 a month

2. Refreshments and supplies for our monthly meetings: R500 a month

3. Help for moms in our physical group to get their personal business plans off the ground – R500 a month

4. Web hosting – R200  month

5. Internet / electricity  not included because it comes from my household expenses

6. Telephone – now with using Mxit and speaking to many via SMS – going to increase exponentially

And lots more I’ve forgotten. Doesn’t include the times I have to give moms emergency food supplies, or help with school fees and other things.

All of this comes out of my pocket.

We’re not currently able to send moms on training courses or get paid guest speakers in because there is no money for that. We’re not able to expand to have meetings in other areas because there’s no money for that.

But the biggest thing is TIME

So what to do? I can’t afford not to get my salary.

I need to be doing this full time.

To pay my salary, run the group and expand it to where it needs to be, employ some extra people to help me (i’d like to start with employing some of the moms I know from our group), have a physical office in Masi where people can come and talk, and to enable us to travel to other areas to speak to schools, initiate groups in other places – will cost (conservatively) – R500 000  a year.

That sounds like a terribly huge amount of money and I’m embarrassed, honestly, to even be putting a number to my time.

But how else am I going to reach all these people who need help?

That’s R5000 a year for 100 people. Which is less than R500 a month. Most of us can’t afford that – I know. i’m not trying to guilt people into donating to us, truly. But there ARE many people out there who CAN afford something along those lines.

If they could pledge something a month – do you know what a difference it could make? To the girls and boys from Vryheid and Atteridgeville and Qwaqwa and Pietermaritzburg and Hout Bay, Lansdowne, Mitchells Plain, Uitenhage, Diepkloof and on and on.

Girls who are scared right now that they are pregnant and don’t know what to do. Moms at school who are struggling to manage studying and baby. Boys who want to know how to be good fathers to their children. They are all out there and they are crying out for help.

YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE TODAY TO ALL OF THEM.

Seriously. It’s only been a week on Mxit and I already see that it’s going to be a much bigger undertaking than I ever imagined. (Not that it’s important, but I’ve eaten and slept very little this week, never mind spent time with my own children). I had doubts that I should have started this, but i keep coming back to the idea that IF I DON’T, WHO IS?

Please help us.

This time, truly, I can’t do it alone.

See our SUPPORT US page for ways to donate.

It’s not easy to ask for help. Thank you for reading this far.

 

 

On going big

So yesterday I told you we had 111 Mxit users. As of right now we have 3595 – due to the awesome kickstarter ad campaign which advertises your app to Mxit users for free for a certain period.

I’ve been inundated with messages and comments from users – all of which need to be answered, in detail, with my whole head and heart. I expected some level of “spam” comments or people making negative remarks but the percentage of those has been tiny compared to the volume of teens with real, valid concerns.

I admit it’s been a little difficult navigating my way through the SMS speak! Sometimes it feels like I’m reading Chinese. Most are not writing in their home language, all of them have taken the time to actually DO something about their concerns instead of living in denial, and all of them need to be heard and reassured.

So. What are we going to do tonight? Same think we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world… ?

Had a cool E News interview with dear Lester Kiewit this morning. After a hectic few days trying to coordinate, we finally did it at my office. Yesterday I did the teen pregnancy workshops at Fisantekraal Secondary School – more on that later when I have some pics ready to show you.

I am TIRED I tell you. Tired, overwhelmed, a little sad that there are so many people out there who need help. But happy that I’m doing something about it.

And it’s becoming more and more obvious that I need to be available full time. Which means ditching the day job and losing my salary………………. ja. Enough said.

In the meantime…. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz